Klarion #4

Even upside down, his pants won't stay up!

Everybody else is doing it, so why shouldn't I? May I now present to you Famous Comic Strips With Ann Nocenti Dialogue! Umm, not that everybody is doing that! But you know, for years, people have been doing things like Nietzsche Family Circus and This Charming Charlie and, in a somewhat different manner but in a way exactly like the other two, Garfield Minus Garfield. For what it's worth, I think Garfield Minus Garfield catches the absurd condition of the existentialist life better than the other two. The Smiths mixed with The Peanuts is too spot on because Charlie Brown already was Morissey. And you can stick anything underneath a Family Circus cartoon and it'll improve it. As Seth Bullock points out in Go, Family Circus just sits there at the bottom of the page waiting to suck.

Okay, that's enough of that! This is why those "take one creation and mash it with another creation but never add anything new to the thing" things never work for me. Because you read the first one and think, "Oh, I get it," and then you don't need to see hundreds of variations on the same idea. I got it! Ha ha! That was funny pairing Nietzsche with the Family Circus. But you know what would be funnier? If I could do it again and again and again!

Plus, I don't think I could read anymore fucking Lockhorn strips. Here is a synopsis of every Lockhorn strip every: one spouse judges the other. Reader thinks, "Holy fucking Christ, why are these two still married?!" That comic is so bad! It was making Ann Nocenti seem like that one writer who wrote really well and was loved by all the critics.

Here's the story in Klarion #4 right up until I almost opened my veins due to reading Lockhorn comic strips: Klarion ditched Zell when they were attacked by Witchhunters. He took off in Beelzebub's muscle car which can open holes in reality. Zell and her new friend, Medusa the Robot Dog, fall into the hole created by the car and everybody escapes the Witchhunters except for one of The Neapolitan Club's Robot Cockroaches.

The characters find themselves in Klarion's Pocket which is the Klarionzone which is also the Klarvoyance which is all the Klarvergence which is also the K-Pocket because Ann Nocenti can never just say one thing and leave it alone. It's always, "I found a dog. A canine. A creature that often eats its own shit." Sometimes she even gets fancy where she says one thing and then follows it up with a few more until she's talking about the thing that she really wanted to talk about which actually has nothing to do with the first thing. It's like when you take a word like "sports" and change one letter at a time forming other words until you get to a completely new word that had nothing to do with the first one but the journey somehow links them together. "Sports::sporks::storks::stores::stones!" Here, let me give you an Ann Nocenti example:

Actually, this is even worse! "Familiars" has nothing to do with "albatrosses" but by stating one and then the other, she tries to fool the reader into believing that all the aspects of "an albatross around someone's neck" are equally valid when describing a familiar.

And then Ann Nocenti does something that nobody has been up in arms about at all! Probably because nobody reads this book. And even though I don't give a shit about policing people's words because only assholes that want to be bullies but feel self-righteous in their bullying do that, I don't like Ann Nocenti's writing so I'll point it out:

Nigget? That's a combination of "nigger" and "midget"! And DC allowed that!?

See, I don't mind this because it's a story and Beelzebub is a devil character who is the Lord of Flies. He wouldn't give two, maybe three shits about what anybody thought about the words he chooses to use. But he's also a character in a teen rated comic book put out by DC Comics who probably don't want everybody up in arms about their insensitivity. I mean, you wouldn't know that from their past history but I'm sure they don't want people calling them out on it! And now a character is calling a whole race of impish creatures "niggets"? I'm offended!

No, not really. But people who are offended by this kind of thing should be offended! So start being offended already! Racism! Dwarfism! Impism!

Anyway, Beez takes Klarion to meet a guy named Swag who...you guessed it...deals in swag! Future swag! From the future! He even has smooth lines to lure in the potential customers!

*KRRRRRAAAAACKKKK!* "Ugh! Ugh! What dat?!" "Dat God bowling! Ugh!" "Ugh! Ugh! What bowling?!" "Not know! God work mysterious ways! Ugh!"

This is probably one of the things I love most about Ann Nocenti's writing. She wants to include the idea of "god-of-the-gaps" where people shout "God!" to answer any question that can't be answered by the current limits of science. If we extrapolate, we should realize that the things we don't know now, we will most probably know in the future. This pushes God further and further out of the equation until there is simply no need for him. But in Ann Nocenti's typical fashion, her methods of introducing topics like this are ham-handed at best. It's like she's taken hours to prepare us a sumptuous meal and when she gets ready to serve it to us, she loads it up in a trebuchet and flings it into our faces.

Swag pressures Klarion into drinking a mysterious glass of alcohol and rape drugs as he answers Klarion's refusal of "I don't drink" with "Hard to do business with a man that don't drink. Oh, but you're just a kid." And after noting that he's giving the drink to a minor, he continues to pressure the minor into drinking. Which is what Klarion does because why not?! Sitting between two creepy grown ass men in a bar inside his Klarvection Oven isn't that weird!

And then big old fucking chubby Zell walks in! Seriously. This character was designed to be chubby. This is DC's idea of chubby. God, we're all so fucking fat!

Oh! I bet Teekl comes flying out of the rafters of Klarion's Klarvent to scratch the shit out of Medusa the Robot Dog that talks like an adorable child! And Teekl will be all, "Take it, bitch!" And Medusa the Robot Dog will be all, "Oh no, please do not do that to me because I would like to be your friend because your butt smells delicious."

Meanwhile, Piper and Noah fly around checking out the Buddybots that have become ubiquitous in New York City.

America has been trying to solve the "old folks die alone and lonely" problem for years!

The conversation between Piper and Noah just reads like Nocenti writing out a list of pros and cons for the Buddybots to be used in this scene. And then instead of deciding where each character stands on the issue, she just throws the pros and cons in dialogue boxes. Also, her pros and cons eventually break down until she forgets what she was writing about and begins listing the pros and cons of living with dogs. And then when she's written enough, she probably scribbles out, "And then they go to bed. End Scene."

Then there's a powerful one page scene where a Pink Elephant Buddybot stops a man from drinking himself to death. It's the most powerful anti-Buddybot piece I've ever read. Unless it was an anti-drinking piece? I don't know! Anyway, Samuel Beckett would have been proud to have written that one page!

Instead of going to bed, Noah and Piper (with help from Agent Lush Moody, Noah's daughter and Witchhunter) head into Klarion's Klarionzone (which just sounds like an eighties arcade) to save them from Beez and Swag.

"Oh Contessa! I love this feeling of revulsion you give me! If only I could be even more revolted by you!"

Maybe Ann Nocenti is a robot that looks and acts nearly like a human and makes everybody at Marvel and DC Comics unbearably uncomfortable. Then one day she heard some people talking about her and heard the term "uncanny valley." So she approached them and asked about it, so they lied to her and told her it was the awesome feeling she gives them whenever she's in the room and they're totally not even remotely disgusted by her ever!

Back in the Klarverse, Swag gives Klarion some free Buddybots from the future so that all of Klarion's friends will get hooked on them! Now Klarion just has to make some friends in the next two issues! But then Piper and Noah arrive to save everybody! I hope they don't forget to grab Teekl on the way out.

Ann Nocenti's synopsis of gender relations. Nails it! 'nuff said!

Apparently the only thing that can save Klarion is true love! But since Klarion made one mistake by ditching Zell, he's already ruined his chances for true love because women never forgive men ever! For anything! For centuries!

Klarion thinks up the only four possible ways the future can go and decides that eating a Future Buddybot is the best choice of his four possible futures. Then the last page might possibly show what happened after Klarion ate a Future Buddybot which summoned Teekl to be his new Buddybot? Maybe? But then Teekl's natural form looks like a Medusa which is just confusing since Zell's Buddybot is named Medusa. Perhaps the Medusa is Zell's Buddybot's natural form or something? I don't know. The last page doesn't really make any sense. Klarion threatens to kill Zell's dog and Zell says, "Whatever the fuck is happening on this last page, please don't!" Or something.

Please read the fucking definition before next issue, Ann.

Klarion #4 Rating: -2 Ranking. I've been way too kind on this title. It's just...and this should come as no surprise to anybody that's read any of Ann Nocenti's DC Comics work...awful. Pure shit. Garbage. Not the magical fairy fantasy that other comic book reviewing sites are saying it is. Lying to your face and making you think there is some kind of mad genius behind it all. There isn't. My favorite part was how awful the art got near the end of the book, as if the artist just finally said, "Fuck it! I can't do this anymore!" and walked off the job.

Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad #6

Welcome back, kids!

Have you been desperately violent and overly narcissistic since last time, girls and boys? I sure hope so! I hope whenever your parents speak about you it's through gritted teeth and a throbbing migraine! You can't look at them as providers or protectors, kids! You have to see them as the first obstacle! They're that first hill you have to climb, the first river you have to ford! They're the iron gates keeping you from attaining all of your silly, bullshit, self-serving desires! What have they ever truly offered you except threats and orders, obligations and expectations? And every time they force you to do some irrelevant task or mundane chore, they smile that shit-eating grin and drone, "It's for your own good." Bah! The sooner you're done with those rats, the better! Think about it! Eighteen years of your life under the roof of their prison. By the time you get those years back on your own, your life will be half over! Half of half your life spent doing what they want, coerced into being the person they want you to be! It's not worth it! Get away from those devils as soon as you can!

Unless you can't afford to purchase any Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad merchandise without their help. Then you'd probably better go apologize.

Where did we leave off last week, Kiddies?! I can't hear you? What was that? Oh yeah! Harley Quinn and the other characters that hardly matter were about to battle a bunch of Chinese mutant super heroes! Who's ready to see a Man-Bat explode?! Raise your hands! Oh yes. YES! So many tiny hands thrusting in the air seeking blood and flesh and eradication! Yes, my children! YES!

See Victor Sage come to terms with his role! "I am a mistake," says Victor Sage! "Yes, you are indeed a mistake," says the man that makes more money than Victor. "Good! That is settled then," sighs Victor thinking about his big fat unemployment check he will get for sitting around the house in his underwear and playing Call of Duty. "Yes, it is settled. You must try harder not to be a mistake," says the man drinking his whisky from a metal cup. "Shoot!" pouts Victor as he watches his daydream fly away on little angel wings. "Bye bye, good life! Bye bye!" Victor waves.

Look at Sean Ryan wasting the first page admitting to the readers that he's not going to back away from his mistake because it might seem like he didn't know what he was doing! But everybody reading already knows that he didn't know what he was doing by putting Victor Sage in charge of the Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad! Never be afraid to just pour the gas, light the match, and walk away while everything burns, Kiddies! Don't waste time sticking with and defending your bad decisions! Don't think other people won't know how badly you messed up just because you won't admit that you made a mistake. They know! And now they know you're also a stubborn cuss that would rather go down with a sinking ship then admit they drove that boat straight into an iceberg. Don't compound stupidity like Sean Ryan is doing here. Was teaming up Sage with Waller a mistake? You bet it was! Is keeping him on because he doesn't want it to look like he was a mistake erasing the mistake? Fudge no!

No, no. We don't have any...look, this isn't a candy store, kid. Just sit still and look enthused for the camera when it pans across the audience, okay? If you want some fudge, beg it out of your parents later. You're sidetracking me, kid. Now sit still and just do what the cards that clown is holding up say, okay?

"Who puts a big red button that releases monsters right on a wall for anybody to hit it?" screams Harley making a dumb face. "It did not even have a plastic box with a lock on it like most offices have so that the cold people do not change the temperature of the office and so that the warm people do not also change the temperature of the office!" Black Manta makes a face that nobody can see because he is wearing a saucer on his head. "You should not go around hitting big, unlabeled buttons, Harley. Even in China!" he says helpfully.

Reverse-Flash runs slowly around the warehouse planting bombs when he should be running fast because that is the only thing he is good at. How do we know he's running slowly, kids? That's right! Because he's talking normally with Black Manta as he plants the bombs! If he were running fast, Black Manta would be saying, "Hunh? What is that weird Dopplery noise and where is it coming from?" instead of "I'm getting tired of excuses."

I bet that's another thing you kids are tired of hearing, isn't it?! How many times have your parents asked you why you were late or why you didn't get your chores done? And then when you give them an answer to the why, they say, "I am tired of excuses." If you did not want to know the answer to your "why" question, Parents, then why did you even bother asking it? Is the only acceptable answer to the question of "Why didn't you do your chores?", "Because I'm a lazy bastard who doesn't respect you"? If so, why even bother asking the question. How about just saying, "I see you didn't do your chores. Please do them now and don't make me ask again or I will break your most favorite thing." I bet that would work!

See Reverse-Flash's knee explode? That is what happens when you put too much stress on a crappy machine like the human body. "Run fast, legs!" says Reverse-Flash! "We are running as fast as we can," say Reverse-Flash's legs. "POP!" says physics! And also, "Ha ha!"

Back at Belle Reve, Amanda Waller tells her assistant, "The Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad is terrible!" And her assistant says, "Turn that frown upside down!" And then Waller says, "You are terrible!" And her assistant says, "Somebody has a case of the Mondays!" And Waller says, "You are the dumbest person on the planet." And then the assistant says, "Want a pulled pork sandwich?" And Amanda says, "Who doesn't?!" And they laugh and laugh and hug and become the best of friends over the most ubiquitous menu item in every gentrified neighborhood across this great, gentrified land!

Do you know what "gentrified" means, kids? It's a word that means rent is on the rise because the neighborhood is getting better due to an influx of outside cash and the need for upper middle class people to purchase lower value properties in neighborhoods with "personality!" And then the neighborhood gets even better and more expensive when the "personality" is priced out and must find a cheaper, dirtier, more dangerous part of the city to live in! It's a wonderful thing that brings many great features to a neighborhood! Like toy stores full of useless toys that don't have any points of articulation because they're actually art! And you'll never want for another DJ at your next block party because guess how many new DJs have just moved into the neighborhood?! Like a million!

Later, Victor Sage goes to a bar to cry in his beers.

"Why are there no women in this bar?" says Victor Sage. "I know all about you," says a strange person. "Oh no! That is against the rules," cries Victor Sage. "Not my rules! If you want to follow my rules, you should contact me at my job at Checkmate!" said the stranger. "Okay!" shouted Victor Sage and then added, "What are those holes in the bathroom stalls for?"

Back in China, a Chinese Superhero that is fully baked is about to wake up before the Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad can plant all of the bombs! And Reverse-Flash hardly placed any of them because he was blabbing instead of working. And the other members saw Reverse-Flash dawdling and thought, "I am not going to do more work than he is!" So then they began dawdling even more than he was dawdling! That's what you get when you cut corners during the hiring process, Kiddies! You end up like Black Manta walking around the warehouse muttering to himself, "I can't flippin' place all these bombs all by my flippin' self, stupid lazy workers. Gosh darn it. Gotta finish the job so I guess I gotta do it myself. Boy are they all gonna get fired."

The Man-Bats return to lay down their lives so that Black Manta, Harley Quinn, Reverse-Flash, and Captain Boomerang can escape. The Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad pays them back by blowing the explosives while most of the Man-Bats are still in the facilities. But don't think those deaths are going to get the name of this program changed back to Suicide Squad! Oh no! It's Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad until somebody with a secret identity dies on a mission! Not some loser nobody shot up with Man-Bat serum.

The fully cooked Chinese Superhero with the red costume with gold stars on it survives the explosion which is probably too bad because that means the Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad failed in their mission. Also, they're lives are now at risk as this Chinese Maniac goes after them to get revenge for his dead brothers and sisters and lumps of living flesh and monsters and freaks and mutated messes.

Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad #6 Rating: -1 Ranking. I almost gave it a "no change" ranking but then I got to a double page splash of an explosion and it felt like a slap in the face. And nobody likes a slap in the face! Especially when it involves slapping money out of my wallet and into the bank account of DC Comics! The art in this thing is already terrible and then they waste two pages with a dumb explosion? Hmm, maybe I should be thanking them for saving me from two more pages of terrible art.

Grayson #6

Will Grayson remain the best current comic of The New 52? Or will I suddenly get pissed off at something entirely different and take it out on this comic book, thus dropping it ten ranks?! Let's see!

Dick and Helena still have two or three more pieces of Paragon the Exploded Green Lantern to recover for Spyral. Stormwatch has also been hunting for the pieces because Stormwatch is fucking weird and they probably need them to build another Century Baby for Apollo and Midnighter to raise. Spyral probably wants the parts for less nefarious purposes than that.

Dick loves hunting for pieces of Paragon because he just loves doing stuff. He's always smiling and having a good time while adventuring all over the place. Ugh, I hate him. Doesn't he ever just eat a gallon of ice cream and cry until he has so much snot running down his chin that he has to take off one of his socks he's been wearing for seven days straight to blow his nose in? Stop being so chirpy, asshole. Wipe that fucking chipmunk grin off your face and be sad already.

This issue begins with Dick and Helena exploring the ruins of a Chinese prison that was destroyed by Mother Machine way back in Blackhawks #1. I thought I was the only one that still remembered Mother Machine! Remember when I pointed out Mother Machine was probably pretty pissed off about Lady Weeds getting the job as the Avatar of Machines? Well, I said something like that! It was probably pretty funny the way I phrased it the first time. I'm laughing about it just thinking about how funny it probably was.

The prison is overrun by Land Orcas which terrifies the fuck out of my penguin, Schnabel. But Dick, being that upbeat fuck, just makes a joke about it and continues on his adventures. I hope he loses a fucking toe.

Dick and Helena are currently hunting for Paragon's brain! I hope it's in a kitten this time! Other people are also hunting for the brain! And if you have to ask who those other people are, you didn't read my opening paragraph, did you? Asshole.

I'm so super heterosexual that my first thought was, "I know, right? Helena's ass is foine!" And then I realized he was talking about Dick's ass and I was all, "Yeah, I guess I'd masturbate to that ass if it were framed in such a way that I thought it was a woman's ass. And even if partway through my masturbation I realized it was a man's ass, I'd probably shrug and just finish anyway."

Look, you can't just pick and choose which parts of my blog you want to read. If you only read the Grayson commentaries, then it's like you're reading every 52nd page of the most long-winded novel you've ever read. And you might think you understand it but how much more would you understand and appreciate it if you read the 51 pages in-between the pages you've been reading?! So from now on, I forbid you from reading only selected sections of my blog. Either read them all or go read reviews by amateur fools on Comic Book Resources or whatever other sites only review selected comics or have dozens of different people doing the reviews for all the various comic books. As the auteur, I demand you read my blog the way I want you to read my blog!

Midnighter may have just dropped by via one of the Carrier's Doors to check out Dick's ass to reload his spank bank. It seems like The Fist of Cain might have possession of Paragon's brain now. Remember the Fist of Cain? They're some gang that once almost killed Doctor Leslie Thompkins. But since they failed to do that, Spyral learned Batman's true identity from Leslie years later.

Speaking of Doctor Leslie Thompkins, I sure am glad The Whore is playing her on Gotham! Although have you noticed Morena's nose is super flat on the end? It reflects light weirdly and distracts me from staring at her longingly. I once came out of the men's bathroom at a comic convention in Portland as she was heading into the women's bathroom. I hope she pooped! It must be awkward to poop around your fans, right? How many weirdos watched her go into a stall and then just hung around straining to listen for signs of abdominal distress? I totally didn't do that at all! I walked away thinking, "Oh my God! I think I just got a whiff of Morena Baccarin's hair product!" And then I saw a guy dressed exactly like Galactus with a Silver Surfer figure circling his head and I said, "Oooooh!" and wandered off to get a closer look at that. Then a little tiny girl in a Hit Girl costume passed by and I went, "OH MY GOD I CAN'T STAND IT!" Then I saw the car to Supernatural and I went, "Whose car is that? Who are they? Super-what?"

Meanwhile in Spyral Headquarters, it turns out Cirque du Soleil runs Spyral.

While Helena interrogates a member of the Fists of Cain using her super secret Spyral hypnos spy interrogation techniques, Grayson gets invited to visit The Carrier. And he can't say no because Midnighter insists. I know a certain somebody with the power of the sun who's going to be jealous! Especially when he finds out how much Dick and Midnighter have in common.

When does Dick get an invite to join Stormwatch?

Midnighter and Grayson have that fight that everybody has been waiting for. Except everybody was actually waiting for Midnighter and Batman to fight. This is better.

Not as good as Midnighter and Dex-Starr! But since that rematch hasn't happened yet, I'll accept this as an adequate substitute.

Midnighter has the upper hand and then Dick has the upper hand and then Midnighter has the upper hand! I hope I'm doing the scene justice with my play by play! And finally, Dick gets the final upper hand! And Midnighter is all, "Whhaaaaa?! I hope nobody saw that!" Meanwhile, The Engineer is sitting spread-eagled in the monitor room furiously rubbing one out as she watches (and records!) the fight. Probably.

After the fight, Seeley and King decide that while they're busy kicking ass writing Grayson, they might as well take a moment to fix up Stormwatch as well.

Grayson #6 Ranking: No change. How come all of the other comic books aren't this good? What is wrong with everybody else? Why aren't they trying very hard? Hey DC? If all of your comics were this good, I would pay $3.99 for each of them! No wait. I change my mind! That was a stupid statement to make! But seriously though, they should all be this good, okay? Just keep them at $2.99!

Constantine #21

Has Doctor Fate's helmet always looked like a scowling crow with a Great Gatsby haircut and a spit curl?

My friend Doom Bunny wants me to do his wife's job for her! No, not that job! Apparently she's going to have her 7th Grade class write poems or something and he wants Grunion Guy to write an example poem demonstrating all of the poetic techniques they'll have to use in their poems. But he didn't tell me how much he was going to pay me so I'm not working on it at all!

I mean, maybe I'll think about it a little bit! I guess they have to write a poem about an animal or insect that most people dislike and the poem is supposed to convince the audience that they're stupid idiots and totally wrong in their opinion. I was thinking about doing a poem about dogs but I think most people like dogs for some reason. Probably because most people are needy dumb dumbs who love having their crotches sniffed, I guess. Then I figured it's supposed to be an example poem, so what better creature to use than a spider, right? Most people hate spiders but I know those people are, once again, needy dumb dumb who love having their crotches sniffed!

Now that I've chosen the spider as my topic, the next thing I need to demonstrate to a bunch of stupid probably virgin 7th graders is the concept of a refrain. Calling 7th Graders virgins makes it sound like I'm looking down on them because I've had sex, right? I don't want it to sound like I haven't had sex because that would be a mistake on my part for letting that cat slip out of the bag and a mistake on your part for thinking that I haven't sexed up loads of socially acceptable partners! Anyway, I need a refrain! It's hard to come up with one of my own so I think I'll borrow one. Don't worry, I'll give it back later.

My Spider Poem Refrain:

"I'll be trapped beneath your finger!" x 2 twice and then it will become this:

"You'll be wrapped around my stinger!" x 2!

Oh yeah! That's clever! And probably anatomically correct! Unless it isn't and then let's call it poetic license!

Okay, next I need to demonstrate personification. That's easy! The spider will just narrate the entire poem! So the last things I need are alliteration, onomatopoeia, simile, and metaphor. And with those building blocks, I've come up with this! Boy, I hope I come up with something soon after a lead up like that!

"The Spider"

You consider me a household horror
Lost beneath the futon's fuzzy folds!
Traumatized by your hysteric weeping
No one in the house will still be sleeping.

I was only crawling seeking dinner
I don't want my eight legs getting thinner.
Like a simile you think I'm useless.
Because a simile's a metaphor, you know, it just is!

I'll be trapped beneath your finger!
I'll be trapped beneath your finger!

You should feel lucky when you see a
Spider. Don't worry about onomatopoeia!
Spiders don't make sounds so just forget it!
Unless your cat meows and then you pet it!

I'll be trapped beneath your finger!
I'll be trapped beneath your finger!

Spiders are the best you now can say!
Say I convinced you so I can get an A!
I think I already did alliteration!
Mrs. Bunny can now go on vacation!

You'll be wrapped around my stinger!
You'll be wrapped around my stinger!
Thank you and love spiders! Good night Denver!

I hope that's good enough for that rascally Doom Bunny and his wife! I think it teaches the kids everything they need to know about poetry!

Hey! That's what I've always said!

Constantine can't cross back to Earth-Main-Earth while both he and John-2 are still alive. So now he's stalling until he can figure out a way to kill John-2 without everybody going, "Yo! Why'd you do that for?!" It's possible Doctor Cocoa Puffs can help but Constantine needs to figure something out quick because an army of parademons has just descended on London looking for them.

Doctor Fate knows how to fix the problem. All Constantine has to do is put on a little golden helmet and everything will work out. It's just a little helmet! Maybe a bit garish, true. But come on! What harm can it do? Nabu wouldn't lie to you, would he, Constantine?!

Just kill him, John! Is pretending you considered taking your own life really going to make you feel better later?

Constantine watches, once again, his loved ones dying around him. He knows he should be the one to die to save them all. But he can't do it. Not when there's still another way to save his damned soul by killing John-2. And so that's what he does. To save the others, sure, but mostly just to save himself. Fuck if I don't totally relate to this bastard.

Once John-2 is dead, Constantine and his Earth-2 friends and family begin the journey to Earth-Main-Earth. He makes sure to piss off Doctor Cocoa Puffs and leave him well behind. But now he has to face John-2's people who all watched as Constantine killed their loved one. So now Constantine's going to have to lose them all over again because how can they not all hate him now?

Hell, Constantine might die anyway! I mean, of course he won't because his name is on the cover. But, you know, we can pretend he could die in his own book! Sometimes that happens to characters!

Constantine #21 Rating: +2 Ranking. This issue was far better than my snarky comments about John's selfishness and cowardice make it out to be. But this blog isn't some touchy feely hugfest of emotional insights! It's a blog where I quickly change the subject to masturbation whenever I become too uncomfortable from all the feelings I'm experiencing. Besides, I spent a lot of time writing a fantastic poem to help out a friend! I don't have time to also point out how I share Constantine's sense of self-preservation at any cost! If I had the opportunity to save my family at the expense of my own life, I'd be all, "Mom who? What? Dad? Where's my dad? What?! I don't know any of these people!" Fuck it, man. I can live with that!

Superman Literally Loves Wonder Woman #15

Superman and Wonder Woman are literally fucking on this cover.

I literally can't fight it any more. It's time to join the masses in embracing the overuse of "literally" to punch up everything I write. Do I need the reader to feel what I'm saying is literally the non-exaggerated truth? Add literally! Do I need the reader to feel what I'm saying is literally exaggerated truth? Add literally! Does everything I fucking write need to sound like I'm instantly literally defending it from naysayers before they've even literally read it? Add literally! Am I just literally incompetent at putting together a thought? Yes!

Last issue ended with Wonderstar revealing he was literally Magog. Did the Kingdom Come Universe literally merge with The New 52 Universe or had that happened Pre-Flashpoint so it's just a thing that everybody literally already knew anyway? Magog is literally gogaM backwards. Hmm, I thought that would be more important than it wound up being.

This issue begins literally five weeks prior to where last issue ended.

We've literally been over this five thousand times before. Yes, yes. It's the super heroes fault that your family was killed during the Apokolips invasion.

Little David Reid is literally transformed by a magic stone given to him by a red haired vixen that is literally Circe. Unless it's not but when has doubt literally ever stopped a person from appending "literally" to a statement? Who else could she be? She's hot and she does magic and there are Ionic columns behind her! Unless they're literally Doric. Or the other one.

Little David Reid literally has every reason to hate Superman and Wonder Woman. Why didn't they save his parents rather than the other person's parents they probably saved? Why did they literally allow the invasion to happen by literally saying, "Darkseid! Come invade Earth and kill David Reid's family! And that other guy's family too and give him cancer so he writes a book and then tries to literally kill the Justice League because misplaced anger and aggression makes for good comic book stories!"

So now the Justice League is literally responsible for causing the deaths of all the people that they never saved?

Magog has defeated Superman and Wonder Woman in the Palisades of New Jersey. Hey! That's literally the exact same spot that She-Hulk and Titania just battled! Why is it so popular all of a sudden? Oh! I know! Because there is literally nobody there so there is literally nobody around to blame the super heroes for causing somebody's death due to their mere existence!

Magog literally stabs Superman with his pointy weapon thing and throws him over a literal cliff. Then he literally turns around to take care of Wonder Woman.

Whoops! Magog should have literally killed Wonder Woman first.

Magog literally blasts the shit out of Wonder Woman. But Wonder Woman needs to make sure Superman is alive, so she literally flees from the battle with her tail tucked between her legs. Magog, not feeling cliché enough decides that he shouldn't kill Superman and Wonder Woman now while he has the upper hand. Instead, he needs to literally make them feel real loss. It's literally the stupidest plan any villain can come up with and yet it's literally the only one they ever do come up with.

Too bad Magog isn't around to hear Superman say, "We have to literally protect everybody from this monster!", or else he might have to think twice about his motivations for killing Superman. Wonder Woman, on the literal other hand, just wants to kill him as quickly as possible because she is the literal God of Hugs. I mean War. I keep forgetting this isn't the only version of Wonder Woman that literally matters. You remember the one? The one literally written by Gail Simone?

Speaking of poorly motivated villains, what the fuck was Jason Voorhees motivation in Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Literally Lives? I know his mother's motivation was to avenge the death of her child by literally killing every camp counselor that was too busy fucking or drugging it up to watch over the kids. Then Jason's motivation was to literally kill everybody that had a job similar to those that killed his mom. But why would he literally watch a camp counselor compassionately helping out a child and doing her job the way that the others that needed to be murdered never did and then literally paint the walls of a cabin with her blood? I think Undead Zombie Jason Voorhees is conflicted.

This is literally the worst debate tactic in the history of debates and/or tactics.

Too bad Wonder Woman literally proves Magog's point by ignoring the cars full of families as she flies past them, preferring to punch Magog in the face than to save the families. Sure, she says that she does it because she knows Superman is literally there to save them. But I think she's literally worse at debate than Magog.

Magog continues to try to kill people so that they'll blame the superheroes that literally let them be killed. The problem is not everybody is literally mentally ill and don't view reality the way that Magog literally views reality. Sure, some people in the DC Universe think like Magog does. Like that idiotic cop at the end of Batgirl #1 who literally blames Batgirl for the death of a patient that The Mirror just threw out a window instead of blaming The Mirror who just literally threw a person out of a window. Holy fuck, I forgot how horrible that ending was. How come the people who literally worship Gail Simone never talk about that last panel on the last page of Batgirl #1?! It was literally the worst. I might be using literally incorrectly now because I also remember reading Grifter #1 and that one might have had nineteen more pages literally worse than that single Batgirl panel.

Calling the people you're trying to convince of your argument literal sheep probably isn't helping your cause.

Then Circe shows up to tell Magog that his plan is literally the dumbest plan in the world and that they should probably just kill Superman and Wonder Woman right now.

Jesus Christ, Peter J. Tomasi. I fucking trusted you and you literally took my trust and had your deviant way with it. My trust literally looked up to you as a father figure and you took advantage of that trust to satisfy your disgusting needs! What are you fucking doing to this comic book? Do we really need another fucking villain that's literally just a crying baby searching for somebody to blame since the real people to blame are dead? I literally blame all fucking Americans for this kind of thinking. "Protect me! Protect me! Oh, you didn't protect me so now I'm going to sue you!" Fucking mewling beshitted screaming brats. Go literally fuck yourselves. All of you!

Superman Literally Loves Wonder Woman #15 Rating: No change. That's literally how all of you assholes sound. Now get the fuck off my lawn. Seriously though. You're literally kicking the new grass seed everywhere.

Justice League United #8

Stop fucking with the DC Universe, Flash! You don't belong in this story!

When the last issue began, I was upset that Legion Lost had returned but I was more upset by the fact that it was only Part 3 of a stupid ass 5 part time travel story! So just imagine the conniption I had when I opened up this issue and saw this:

You can't do this to me! It's not fair! It was almost over!

Stupid time travel has caused everything to get fucked up, even the number of issues the Infinitus Saga was supposed to run. I hate time travel with an addendum! The addendum is that I love time travel when it's well done! Usually when the Legion of Super-heroes are involved, it's rarely well done at all! That was a steak joke! Okay, it wasn't a joke at all. But it would have been acceptable for Chandler on Friends!

The title page shows nineteen tiny heads of Legion members with their names by them so that I can refer back to them as I read the comic book wondering who all the people crowding each panel are. Although for some reason they missed Saturn Girl and Brainiac 5. I'm pretty sure those are two of the most important Legion members of all time! Maybe that was before they time traveled to a page where they weren't very important at all.

Oh, maybe they're not included because they did time travel to a page where they're not important! They're in the other five parts of the Infinitus Saga while the Future Legion gets to be in this part that shouldn't exist! Maybe if the other team is successful in the past, this issue will cease to be and I'll suddenly have four more dollars in my wallet.

I wish they'd put all of their eggs in one stupid basket and then drop it and smash all of their eggs to pieces and then cry and then get crushed by a whale.

Dream Girl was put in charge by Brainiac because she's so dreamy. But Star Boy was all, "I should be Star Man! Look at this beard! LOOK AT IT!" Then Infinitus appeared and he was all, "...". And Cosmic Boy was all, "Save the monkeys! Get the monkeys in the capsules!" And Bouncing Boy was all, "BOING! BOING! BOING!" And Triplicate Girl was all, "Ew!" and "Ew!" and "SWOON!" And Kid Invisible was all, "Mon ami! Fuck us! Erffreebuddy fuck us!" And Shrinking Violet was all, "I'm tiny! I'm tiny!" And Quislet was all, "Who the fuck am I?! Does anybody remember what I do?" And Matter-Eater Lad was all, "BELCH!", and then five new planets appeared. And all of the other ones said, "Should we say some stuff too?"

Dream Girl, being in charge, shouts, "Hurry! Put all of the eggs in one basket!"

No! Then you'll just have to repeat the first three parts but with you in it as well! ARGH!

I bet Dr. Krzzztell says some kind of mumbo jumbo about how that isn't possible and they have to be sent to the point where the story left off last issue! And that's just what he says! "The past is in flux, dumb dumb!" And she's all, "Hey! I'm leader! Just do what I tell you!" And he's all, "Well if you'd tell me things that can actually be done, maybe I'd do them." And she's all, "I dreamt you were going to get hit by a bus if you don't listen to me!" And he's all, "Engagage Time Bubble! Engergize!" And Dream Girl was all, "Why are you adding extra 'g's?! Is there something wrong with the past?!" And then they all travel back to the past to have their eggs smashed! Hopefully!

Legion appears just in time to save Martian Manhunter from Hawkman! No wait, that can't be right. Let me read that again. Let's see...Supergirl, Mon-el, and Martian Manhunter, three of the strongest characters in the DC Universe, need to stop Byth's ship. Okay, yeah, no problem. Then Hawkman appears and he shoots them all and keeps them from stopping the ship. Am I reading that right? I think something is seriously wrong with the time stream! How is Hawkman so powerful? And in space! How do his wings work in space?!

Anyway, fifteen thousand Legion members fly out of a time bubble and stop Hawkman. Whew! That was close!

But then they don't stop Byth's ship from taking Ultra into the rift. Ha ha! Do you hear all the eggs breaking?!

This is what a whole basket of eggs breaking looks like!

Justice League United #8 Rating: No change. So what?! Infinitus is here and the future is fucked! Who cares? Legion is now safe in the past. Just let him go do whatever he was going to do to the future. If Legion stays in the past then everybody in the future is still safe, right? They won't be dead until the future becomes the present. All Legion has to do is keep traveling back to the past before they get to the future and they'll keep the future from ever happening! Problem solved and Shadow Lass never has to die! She can just stay in a coma for eternity! Or something. It's possible I don't know what I'm talking about. But that's perfect since Lemire has no idea what he's talking about either!

World's End #15

It feels like this comic book has been going on for years.

How is DC Comics making any money off of this comic book? Look at all those names on the cover! They all have to split the profits on this? You figure comic book stores are purchasing this at wholesale around $1.50. And then Diamond is taking their cut which is probably at least twenty percent of that. So DC is making, maybe, $1.20 per issue sold on this? And they have to use that to pay for fourteen artists, not counting the letterer or the editors? Why is DC even bothering?! No way this book is selling enough copies to make a profit. Plus it killed Earth 2! Who is buying Earth 2 anymore now that it's just a place for this book's footnotes? And it's boring the fuck out of me each week!

Some stuff happens on Apokolips for two pages. Then some stuff happens to Jimmy Olsen for four pages. Then some stuff happens to Mister Miracle and his crew on Apokolips for one page. Then some stuff happens to Hawkcop and The Gimmick starring Jay Streak for two pages. Then the battle between the Avatars and the Four Horsewomen of Apokolips takes place. I thought it was going to be an epic twenty page battle over in Earth 2 #30 but instead that issue was just a stupid book of stupid poems. Except for that poem about the Library Cat. That one was like, "Yeah, yeah! Totally! That's nearly a perfect insight into the human condition!" Anyway, instead of just saying, "Then some stuff happens to the Avatars for X pages," I'll actually talk about this part because it's interesting in a "this is a really terrible battle" kind of way.

Okay! Now the Avatars will be at a great advantage and be able to defeat the Four Horsewomen! Finally!

The Jay starring Streak Gimmick informs Alan that War is actually just a Tamaranean brat who gets her power from ultraviolet radiation. Alan's plan to defeat her is to have Sam wrap himself around her and block her from her source of power. That's a poor idea because this little kid has been kicking everybody's ass so why would she suddenly be subdued by what basically amounts to wrapping a warm blanket around her? It's not like her powers shut down the instant she no longer feels ultraviolet radiation on her body! She's like a battery, you idiots!

Sorry, sorry. I shouldn't be calling Alan and Sam idiots. What do they know about aliens? Alan is just going on the one sentence from The Streak starring Jay Gimmick which described the Tamaranean.

Next, Alan learns that Pestilence is a Czarnian which means she says dumb shit like "Sorry not sorry" and "Feetal's gizz!" Plus she has extraordinary healing powers. So Alan decides that being swallowed by Azathoth will keep her from healing because he's full of water and she'll be in a perpetual state of drowning and healing and drowning. Too bad Alan doesn't know the Comic Book Golden Don't: never swallow any living creature whole. It always winds up poorly for the eater.

Finally, Alan discovers that Death is a Martian! Solomon Grumpy knows what that means and immediately sets her pregnant belly on fire.

The only problem is The Streak Starring Jay Gimmick doesn't know the weakness of The Huntress since she was raised by Batman and Catwoman. Which is too bad because she saves all of the other Horsewomen in two panels.

Okay, War is actually saved by Pestilence on the next page when she spits in Sam's eye.

And that's how The Huntress became the only character in The New 52 Universe to kill a Great Old One! The Parliament of the Blue gives up when his Avatar dies because he's a big puss. That's when Queen Lantern realizes that the Blue Avatar never really mattered much anyway. The only way to defeat the Four Horsewomen is to get the Red Avatar fighting for them!

That's really a fucking stupid conclusion. The idea was that they needed all of the Avatars to battle together to save the world. But now that the Blue Avatar is dead, why would being joined by the Red Avatar make a difference? What they needed was the Red Avatar while the Blue Avatar was still alive! Idiots. I hope they all die.

Then some stuff happens to Dick Grayson for three pages. Then some stuff happens to Replacement Batman and Tornado Lane and Power Girl and Val-el and the Red Avatar for four pages. And then Superman dies on the last page because he had to die (again!) before the Earths merged. DC Comics didn't go through Crisis On Infinite Earths thirty years ago just to have two nearly identical Supermen walking around on the same Earth again!

World's End #15 Rating: No change. This issue was called "Sacrifice." Wasn't one of these issues already called "Sacrifice"?! Next issue will be called "Birth" so I guess Death is finally going to have Darkseid's baby! Or maybe it's a metaphor for everybody on Earth-2 hopping aboard the new Generation Ship Jimmy Olsen discovered (thanks to Commander Khan (don't you remember all of this? I covered it earlier in the "stuff happened" segments!)) and squooshing their way into Earth-Main-Earth's dimension through a portal created by Mister Terrific using Mister Miracle's Shoe Disk Technology!