Batman Eternal #29

This cover needs to be set to music. iTunes, give me a song! Really? Johnette Napolitano's version of "The Scientist"? Hmm, okay. It kind of works. It's also turned me into a quivering ball of sadness. Thanks a lot, iTunes!

I currently have iTunes set to display the songs by artist and the second song is Al Stewart's "The Year of the Cat." So now I have to listen to that before reading Batman Eternal. Also before reading the comic, here's evidence that my iTunes is constantly high.

No, iTunes! Those are not the same movie! Bad iTunes! I'm gonna rub your nose in the Underworld soundtrack!

Well I just wasted an hour listening to music now. But looking at the clock, I didn't waste any time at all! Maybe only seven minutes! I just traveled backwards through time! I should contact some scientists with my formula for time travel! First you listen to The Scientist, then Year of the Cat, then Bill and Annie by Chuck Brodsky, then Happy Birthday by Concrete Blonde, and finally a remix of The New Kids on the Block's Tonight! And whammo blammo! Time travel! I'm going to be rich!

Although I really only time traveled backwards about the amount of time it took to listen to those songs. So I guess you could just skip listening to the songs and just spend that time doing something else. Or I guess you could wash the dishes while listening to those songs and then travel back one hour to do something you'd rather have been doing. But then does that make the dishes dirty again? And do I have to watch my past self wash the dishes while I masturbate to pornographic cartoons on the television? And if I'm within hearing range of the songs, will I time travel back again? This house is going to get really crowded! And sticky!

Currently beneath Arkham Asylum (or is it Wayne Asylum now?), Blackfire (who is possessing Maxie Zeus) is fiddling with the Feng Shui of the catacombs by trying to find the right place to set up his new Jim Corrigan. And The Joker's Daughter is tormenting some whiner in a crate that apparently needs to go to the hospital. I hope it's not Batwing because the person in the crate sounds like a cowardly, faithless atheist.

My friend Soy Rakelson used to end most theological discussions between us with, "Where's your faith?" Well, Soy. I had to dispense with my faith to bolster my willpower just to keep from slapping that stupid fucking question right out of your face. "Where's your faith?" Fuck you, that's where! As if having great faith is something to aspire to! You might as well celebrate willful ignorance!

Oh! There's Batwing. Battling some underwater horror.

Batwing finally gets back in radio contact with The Jeezly Crow Batman to let Batman know that Arkham is fucked and Deacon Blackfire has come back from Hell. Instead of hanging up on Batwing thinking it's some sort of prank, Batman believes him. But now the World's Greatest Detective has a mysterious mystery on his hands: is Hush working with Deacon Blackfire? Or has Deacon Blackfire's return from Hell just happened to coincide with the biggest attack on Gotham since the last twenty big attacks on Gotham?

I know Batman is the World's Greatest Detective but that's because he knows how to delegate. So Penny-Two and the Bat-Computer get busy trying to figure out how Arkham is involved. The first step is to figure out The Riddler's cypher that Batwing found. The second step is probably to read the cypher after it's cracked so they can figure out the third step.

Batwing discovers Deacon Blackfire invoking his grand incantation on Jim Corrigan as the followers of Blackfire begin to break free of his thrall, and the Bat-Computer finishes breaking The Riddler's code. The message is, of course, enigmatic. For the reader, anyway! I'm sure The Batman will know what it means. And then Blackfire finishes his spell.

Vengeance for everybody!

Batman Eternal #29 Rating: No change. I don't feel like this issue gave me enough story! I suppose I could read the next issue but that would be violating the order of the stack. And I've already violated it too much by leaving the last ten September Futures End books for whenever I feel like finishing the Goggles story.

Futures End #25

DC should include a pull-out poster that unfolds into the long, pink Preboot background that's been stretching across the cover since Issue #23.

I recently posted a quote from Generation X by Douglas Coupland about how depressing it is when a friend buys a house because they lose something of their personality to their investment of such a profoundly expensive and long-term commitment. That may be true but I find it depressing in another way. When I recently returned from visiting my friend Doom Bunny in Denver (where I stayed with his family in their house), I told the Non-Certified Spouse, "Remind me how depressed I feel now the next time I act excited to go visit Doom Bunny in a year or two." Because I'd forgotten how depressed the trip made me the time previous until a few days into the visit when I began to feel awkward and hopeless. You see, the depression doesn't stem from the points Douglas Coupland made. I don't really see any substantial changes in my friend Doom Bunny now that he has a family and is married and owns a home. No, he was always meant for that because he fit in long before marriage or kids or home ownership. Society has always worked for him. What depresses me is that I can't find that place of comfort and ease and fitting in. Being there simply reminded me that I do not belong in the culture I was born into. I cannot find security and happiness without making some serious trade offs to who I am. Hell, I don't even know if I could attempt to make those trade offs. It takes something that I don't have within me. And it isn't that I don't want to be a cog in the machine. I would love to be a happy little peaceful cog in the machine! It's that my cog simply wasn't made for this machine. And there is no starker reminder that I don't fit in then spending time with somebody who wholeheartedly does (or, at least, seems to).

I wrote something many years ago about how I know the secret to being happy. But knowing the secret and knowing that you are unable to execute that secret is far more depressing than not knowing at all. Like Fox Mulder, I want to believe. I would love to fit, and to do what needs to be done without any qualms, to be able to make friends as an adult, to be able to interact with human beings, to take a job and put my head down and collect my benefits and feel secure and, well, to feel...complacent. I've lived forty years on this stinking planet and I have no idea how they all do it. So I guess I'll just keep on bumbling about the labyrinth, trying not to give too many fucks about it, and hiding myself in comic book worlds.

Ugh. I just want to delete the previous two paragraphs. But then I'd have to think up something else to write! Laziness trumps whatever that other emotion I am feeling is!

Currently, the New Stormwatch's old ship, the Carrier, is being overrun with Baby Brainiacs.

What the fuck, Black Adam? You use magic! Stop being so judgmental and/or hypocritical! Also, how is "punching something" modern?!

Everybody is relying on Angie the Engineer to interface with The Carrier and get it started again. Aren't any of them suspicious that The Engineer, who is constantly being taken over by other intelligences, has shaken off Brainiac's control so easily?! She's probably going to download Brainiac right into the Carrier so that the can travel the Bleed and invade Earth next issue! I only say "next issue" as a way of saying he'll be able to reach Earth quickly. But as we have seen, the plot moves so slowly in this comic book that it'll still probably take him a few more months.

Maybe I'm being too suspicious. I don't like being too suspicious! It makes me feel like I'm a regular denizen of the internet that doesn't believe anything simply so that they'll never be fooled by anyone.

I hope they hyperbled into the Pre-Crisis DC Universe!

I think I use too many exclamation points. But how is the reader supposed to know how exciting everything is if I don't use them? The reader might get bored if I just use periods all of the time. See? This paragraph is intensely boring. I'm falling asleep typing it. Oh period. You are so dull!

While fighting robots in space is well deserving of lots and lots of exclamation points, meeting the new Team Seven is worth whatever the opposite of the exclamation point is. The dexclamation point?

I wish a lexicon was a collection of words that mean the opposite of other words.

The new Team 7 (or should it be Team 8?) Ha ha! That looks like a funny face! 8?) Ha ha!

Um, anyway, the new Team 7 is composed of Fifty Sue, Deathstroke, Grifter, King Faraday, and Twofer Lana Lang. That makes it comprised of 40% old Team 7 members! Unless my calculator is lying to me.

Faraday teleports away because he can teleport and because he doesn't want to be a part of Team 7+. Now 50% of the team is comprised of old Team 7 members! I hope I'm impressing everyone with my mathematical abilities.

Fifty Sue wants to take Cadmus Island back from Brother Eye and to do that, she needs one of the team members to sacrifice themselves. I suppose that's going to have to be Twofer Lana Lang since nobody cares about Twofers.

Oh yeah. Superman is fighting the Mighty Morphin' Anger Ranger. It's actually much more exciting than that last sentence made it sound but I thought I should lay off the exclamation points for awhile.

Constantine explains to Superman that Brainiac isn't just a smart robot whose name came to be used as a sarcastic way of calling people stupid. He's actually some kind of God Machine that falls out of the sky to completely obliterate the plot. Constantine also mentions that he exists outside of space and time which must be why he lives in a black hole (as seen in Doomed #2).

Superman battles the Mighty Morphin' Anger Ranger while Constantine babbles on and on about Brainiac. After Superman defeats the robot, Constantine says, "Oh yeah. If you defeat the machine, you'll fail." Whoops! Maybe he should have mentioned that first thing. Constantine surmises that the machine was just a measuring instrument to figure out how strong Superman was so that Brainiac could destroy him when Brainiac (the real, God Machine Brainiac) finally arrives on Earth. Constantine's plan is to chase the Measuring Machine through a cosmic portal to infinity located somewhere in New Jersey. Because if they don't stop it, the Earth is doomed. Probably. I just made that up because isn't that always what happens if comic book characters don't do what needs to be done?

Back at Columbia University, Madison moves a little too quickly for Ronnie Raymond which causes him to flee back to his ex-boyfriend for advice on whom he should speak with about heterosexual problems.

They aren't really friends! They're ex-lovers! That was too exciting a revelation for mere periods.

What actually happened is that Ronnie heard one of those ubiquitous news broadcasts informing everybody that needs to know that a tidal wave was about to hit Samoa. What better opportunity to get some sex with an ex than a natural disaster? Mergetown, USA, here Ronnie comes! And Jason too, probably.

Jason isn't at all happy to see Ronnie. Who would be? They were married way back in The Fury of Firestorm: The Nuclear Men #0 and then Ronnie started denying his homosexuality and trying to bang cheerleaders. I bet, in his anger, Jason uses him as the first ever non-Justice League Member human teleportation guinea pig!

Sniff, sniff. This moment is practically lifted straight from an Armistead Maupin book.

Professor Toomuchsake has been spying on Jason in the lab and now knows he and Ronnie Raymond are Firestorm. And since Professor Toomuchsake thinks the Justice League is responsible for every death in the world because they haven't given the public their teleportation technology, he now plans on getting revenge against Jason. Which probably means using Jason (and maybe Ronnie as well) as his soon-to-be Brundlefly.

Futures End #25 Rating: No change. I don't care about Jason and Ronnie so the whole last half of this issue was wasted on their love affair. Why can't they just fuck already? And I don't mean merge as Firestorm! They need to forget about being a hero and concentrate on being a couple. What I really wanted to read about was where New Stormwatch went in their carrier! With all of these Preboot images on the last few covers, and then Constantine's revelation that Brainiac exists outside of space and time, I'm really hoping the New Stormwatch takes a trip to any one of the Preboot DC Universes!

Batwoman #35

Whoops, Kate! Your fly is down!

Oh! Oh! I know who all of these unknowns are!

"Feet of Clay." Wonder Woman!
"We're all mad here." The Cheshire Cat!
Batwoman!
"The clothes make the man." George Zimmer!
"Hell breaks loose." Who cares? What I'm wondering is how many internet fuckdummies are confused by the phrase "Hell breaks loose"?

Internet Fuckdummy: "That doesn't make any sense? Hell breaks doesn't win? What looser let that mistake make the cover!"

Now when I call somebody an "internet fuckdummy," realize that I'm not calling out young people who have learned to read on the internet from other people with a scant hold on the English language themselves. My cousin who is in her fifties, who constantly posts on Facebook about grammar pet peeves and spells well and types beautifully coherent sentences, still invariably types "loose" when she means "lose." I have a feeling we've seen the last generation to spell "lose" with just one "o." At this point, it seems like one of those natural changes that the majority take as fact and thus the language is changed forever. The extra "o" is in the saddle and rides mankind's ass until it's raw and bleeding and mankind screams, "Okay! Okay! OOKAY!"

Also, should ye be one of those internet fuckdummies and think I'm being ridiculously harsh on you, remember this: we're all internet fuckdummies in our own way. Just, you know, some of us know how to spell "lose." Also, some of us know on which side of the quotation mark that previous period should have been. I, sadly, am not one of those people. Stupid interent fuckdummy. This issue begins with Batwoman in a space suit gazing on the most miraculous site she has ever sighted.

"My God. It's full of 'O's!"

Seeing that last issue ended with Batwoman, while wearing frilly little panties, being sexily bitten by a vampire, it makes sense that this issue begins with Batwoman in a space suit orbiting the Earth battling demons with a hodgepodge assortment of heroes and villains. Unless it makes the opposite of sense? Perhaps it's a mystery! A "MYSTERY IN SPACE!" That's the title of this issue although I think I'd quibble about calling where they're located in orbit as "space." Maybe "MYSTERY IN EARTH'S ORBIT" would be more accurate. Sure, you can call that space! I won't argue with you! But when somebody calls their comic book "MYSTERY IN SPACE," I'm expecting an adventure on alien planets in far off solar systems! Then you'd be able to argue that fighting in Earth's orbit is more of a "MYSTERY IN SPACE" than being on another planet even though that planet is located in a different part of space than our planet is located. That comic should probably be called "MYSTERY ON AN ALIEN PLANET."

Jesus Christ. I'm even beginning to annoy myself. Let's just find out why Etrigan is back, shall we?

I'm sure he does.

For those who don't know the poem, here's how it appears in Immortalia: An Anthology of American Ballads, Sailors' Songs, Cowboy Songs, College Songs, Parodies, Limericks, and Other Humorous Verses and Doggerel printed in 1927:

"There was an old man from Nantucket,
Whose cock was so long he could suck it;
He said with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
'If my ear was a cunt I could fuck it.'"

Here's another one from the same book that I rather enjoyed:

"There was an old lady named Tucket
Who went to hell in a bucket;
When she did get there
And they asked her for fare,
She lifted her skirts and said, 'Suck it!'"

Here's another classy bit from the book from a story called "The Night of the King's Castration":

"He had Daniel cast unto the lions. Any man would have died of fright but not Daniel, who boldly strode forth, grabbed a lion's left nut very tight, and mightily squeezed all his worth. Then the lion cried, 'Ouch, it tickles.' 'May I ask what tickles,' said Daniel. Said the lion, 'My dear boy, testicles,' and he laughed 'til he was dead."

Maybe I should change my blog name to Eee! Tess Tickles Chai Tea. Hmm, that might need a little work.

Wait! This story about the King's Castration is too good to not quote a bit more:

"And the king went to the locker where his private crapper stood, and he shit three pounds of butter--And earned the name of King Dairyass."

Why am I reading comic books? This story is so much better! Although the ending is rather weak:

"So then they had a foreskin race, where length and trigger-speed both counted. "Daniel! Come forth! said the king with his face--And Daniel came came fifth and lost the race!"

I don't get it! "Daniel came came fifth"? I think there is some kind of innuendo about Daniel coming on the king's face? Maybe?

Anyway, before I get back to Batwoman, how about one more of these artistic limericks, hmm?

"There was an old lady from Grott,
Who lived on green apples and snot;
When she couldn't get these,
She lived on the cheese
She scraped from the end of her twat."

Ah! American Literature at its finest! And now back to our regularly scheduled comic book!

Well, this might explain why Etrigan is involved. Although that doesn't explain why Etrigan called this Batwoman's quest.

Morgan le Fay manages to reduce Etrigan to a skeleton (which never finished him before!) and explode Clayface into millions of spheroids of mud (which never finished him before) while trying to place a green glowing rock into a satellite. She probably should have added the rock to the satellite before it launched. That's the easier way to send payloads into space. But then, she's a witch so she doesn't properly understand technology.

Batwoman stabs her with a piece of the satellite she vandalized while Clayface reforms and helps Ragman and Alice back on the shuttle. Batwoman retreats into the shuttle with the rest of them and they flee back toward Earth, running over Morgan le Fay on the way who manages to hold on to the windshield, cracking it up as they reenter the atmosphere. The issue ends with Clayface and Ragman covering Batwoman and Alice (Elizabeth?) with their bodies to protect them against the heat of reentry.

Although, I think they forgot to remove the glowing stone from the satellite. That might be a problem! Although if it is a problem, we won't know about it for at least two issues since it looks like next issue will explain what the fuck just happened here.

Batwoman #35 Rating: No change. It gets lots and lots of pluses for the cast and the adventure! But it gets lots and lots of minuses for telling the story the way it was told! I don't totally mind having a story begin like this and eventually get around to explaining how things led to this point. But it's a bit weird to have it done after the way Issue #34 ended. It's too jarring having one story end with a vampire bite cliffhanger only to have another story begin in mid-space (orbit!) battle! Traditional ways of telling stories are traditional for a reason! Because white, straight people made them that way and we should all try to be more like white, straight people! Unless it's for some other reason. Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about. Here, have another limerick before I go:

"I love her in the evening gown,
I lover her in her nightie;
But when moonlight flits
Between her tits,
Jesus Christ, almighty!"

New Guardians #35

I think I know what the life equation is! Penis + Vagina - Butthole + Marvin Gaye + 9 Months - Falling Down Stairs = Life!

Okay, class. Enough giggling over the title of this cosmic crisis, Godhead. This will be a classy, intellectual discussion about a comic book. How dare you expect anything less.

The issue begins with the Bohemian Guardians informing Kyle Rayner that he has done what nobody thought possible: he has passed through the Source Wall and returned. For some reason, nobody has ever thought to go over or under it since it's just a normal wall in space. It's not like it's the inside of a shell that stretches off in all directions. It's just a fucking wall! I guess being comic book characters, they're not used to thinking in three dimensions. Also they're stuck inside of panels so if the Source Wall can stretch from panel border to panel border, they can't get around it.

Judging by the look on Carol's face, there's one thing he isn't capable of! I'm guessing the Life Equation has no variable for clitoris.

Kyle realizes the Bohemian Guardians manipulated him into hiding for fear that he would be hunted down for the Life Equation. I guess once a Guardian, always a Guardian, no matter how many daisy chains they wear in their hair. But now the New Gods know of his existence anyway, so the running and hiding option was a big failure. I guess Kyle can go back to the Green Lanterns and let them know he's alive. I bet they all act like their feelings are hurt instead of being happy that he's still alive. I only guess that because all comic book characters are pouting, narcissistic assholes.

Just rewrite them out of existence, Kyle. The DC Universe is better off without any living Oans.

When Kyle decides he's done hanging out with the manipulative little blue bastards, they turn on him. They try to remove the Life Equation from Kyle against his will which causes some kind of hell to break loose. It's the kind of hell that catches the attention of Highfather. You know, the guy the Bohemian Guardians were trying to hide Kyle from? So, you know, good job, Hippies.

Heh heh heh. "Godhead." Heh heh he...ahem. Sorry. Sorry.

After whatever Kyle and Highfather just did to each other, Highfather BOOM Tubes the Bohemian Guardians back to San Francisco. Or maybe some Acid Factory in the forests of Northern California. It hardly matters. Highfather has earned Kyle's trust by sending them away and now he can take his time stealing the Life Equation from Kyle. Even though they don't trust him, Kyle and Carol decide to follow Highfather to New Genesis because he seems to be the only one that can help them. Just like how the Bohemian Guardians seemed to be helping! Or Hal Jordan! Or the Zamarons! I think the only thing I'm learning from all the Green Lantern comic books is that bosses are assholes. Although I wouldn't mind working for Guy Gardner! But don't make me work with John Stewart! I don't want to die!

Eww! Didn't you see what he just had in his mouth?!

New Guardians #35 Rating: No change. The worst part about these multi-title crossovers is that you eventually get chapters like this where it feels like not much has really happened. I suppose getting rid of the Bohemian Guardians (for now!) was the best part of this Act.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #35

Now I want a scarf that looks like a snake.

Right at this moment, the trending Twitter tags read like the worst Halloween ever: #TrickorMeat #UnwantedHalloweenTreats #BeenRapedNeverReported.

I wish I enjoyed that Halloween story more than I actually did because I'm about to read the scariest thing I'll read on Halloween today: a Scott Lobdell jam!

Mmm. Scott Lobdell jam.

This issue, Scott Lobdell decided to change things up. He still wastes the first page of twenty with a boring, splash page that probably shouldn't even be called a splash page since it's more like a still life. So that's not different. But he does wait until the second page to Narration Box, "My name is Jason Todd." It also means that he wastes the second page with another non-kinetic splash page where nothing is actually happening. This is the equivalent of changing your spacing and font size on college essays. Now Scott Lobdell only has eighteen pages to write after having thrown away two pages with a few Narration Boxes that should have only lasted half a page.

This is one of the things that is wrong with Lobdell. You can tell he's not writing because he loves writing or else he'd pack in as much story as he possibly could in the meager twenty pages DC Comics gives the creators. Instead, he wastes as much space as possible, padding and extending his scripts with bullshit just to get the job done. He seems to like the idea of being a writer better than actually being a writer and doing the work. And he probably thinks he's pretty good at his job since he made tons of money writing the X-men. I never read that shit although many people promise me that he wrote some really good stuff back then. If he did, he blew his load in the nineties and now he's resting on his nice, soft laurels full of X-men money. But I can't judge him on the stuff he wrote which I never read. His Hardy Boys Adventures might be where he's putting all of his effort but I'll probably never read those because everything I've read in The New 52 with his name on it has been asshole flavored. Plus, it's the Hardy Boys.

The story begins with Roy Harper dying of burn wounds. If he recovers, hopefully he'll have lost his ability to Narration Box.

I bet I won't believe the story! I certainly won't believe that DC published it!

Jason's story about the awesome thing that happened to Scott Lobdell's Roy Harper (that's the version of Roy Harper I hate! He's not totally unlikable on Arrow) begins where Issue #34 left off. Kori had just ditched Roy and Jason because they were controlling her life for her own good. They didn't want her to murder some man she had every reason to murder because they didn't believe she was a murderer. They couldn't see their vision of "their girl" blemished in any way, so they kept her from getting revenge on her former slave master. What a couple of douchebag hypocrites. Jason never would have stopped Roy from killing somebody Roy needed to kill! And Roy never would have stopped Jason from killing someone Jason wanted to kill! But Batman forbid Starfire stains her dainty little hands with vengeance.

The two decide that they need to get rid of the body and thankfully Roy Harper is a super genius that can invent anything that Scott Lobdell needs for his shitty plot to keep moving. So Roy developed an arrow that reads the DNA of a victim and then explodes but only destroys everything with the victim's DNA on it. Including his clothing. But not the grass that had his blood on it.

Why did you talk her out of her kill in the first place? Sexist assholes. Also, it's Twat Lobo. Get it right.

Back on the island, they find Kori as understanding as ever. I guess Space Heroin really chills a sister out.

Back in the hospital and back to the present, Oliver Queen visits Roy.

I don't get it. Where is a place he can't reach? On a high shelf?

Oliver Queen might be threatening to shove Jason's guns up Jason's ass but I don't think so. I can reach pretty far up my ass. I'm pretty sure I could retrieve a gun that was holstered there.

Back to Jason Todd's story before he runs afoul of copyright infringement (you know? Suddenly having the name Assholster when that name already belongs to a member of the Graveyard Faction), the Outlaws begin their search for the terrorist that tried to destroy Washington, DC, which, I'm assured by the editor, happened back in Red Hood and the Outlaws #33. Now I'm angry that I was forced to remember that issue!

Oh, you're not, Starfire. You are not the only one.

Roy Harper isn't quite as Batman-brilliant as Jason Todd seems to think he is if he's equating the hatred of a person for the government of a country with the geography and topography of said country. I'm not exactly sure how "I hate the American government!" and "I live in a swamp!" equates to cognitive dissonance. But then I'm not Batman-brilliant!

When is Roy Harper going to burn up like a jack-o-lantern?!

The Outlaws stumble upon a shack with a basement full of thugs boosted by some contraption full of drugs latched to their ankles. Jason Todd, having no experience with the dangers of muscle boosting drugs (why would he, amirite?!) or their possible horrible side effects, decides to remove a contraption from one thug to place on himself. Um. Is he not worried about sharing needles? I'm not even worried about the side effects from whatever drug he's injecting into his system now! I'm worried that Jason now has AIDS or Hepatitis C!

Kori flies off but not far enough way that Roy can't reach her on foot while running through a swamp. It's like she wanted to get caught shooting up with Space Heroin! Or she wanted to make sure Roy was nearby when she took off like a rocket and burned the ever loving Jesus out of him.

Ha ha! I don't even feel bad for laughing. Fuck Scott Lobdell's Roy Harper!

Red Hood and the Outlaws #35 Rating: No change. Scott Lobdell's overall scripting hasn't been as bad as it was when he was on Superman and Teen Titans. I can see a person of average intelligence quite liking this comic book. Or maybe just somebody that hasn't been reading everything Lobdell has written for the New 52 and thus doesn't feel like they've been shit upon month after month by this man. But the best compliment I can pay this comic book is to not drop it in rankings and say, "It's passable." It would be a fine dollar comic book read to distract a person from their mortality for a few minutes. But that DNA destroying arrow? And the trite characterization of Kori's change in personality because she's on Space Herion? And Green Arrow threatening to hold Jason's guns over his head as Jason ineffectually jumps up trying to snatch them out of Ollie's hands? And Jason Todd taking drug filled needles out of a stranger's leg and putting them in his own? I guess if you don't think about any of that stuff, this comic book is okay. But I can't not stop thinking about all of that idiocy. I wish Ann Nocenti were writing this comic book.

Supergirl #35

Red Hood not written by Scott Lobdell? I can't wait to like him!

Why does Red Hood wear a leather jacket over his costume? Is it that cold in Metropolis? Is he in Antarctica visiting the Fortress of Solitude at its alternate location? Maybe it's not even a leather jacket. Is it made from human flesh? Oh, is human flesh leather? I bet psychos that love to wear other people's skin scare the hell out of their victims before slaughtering them so that the victim pisses themselves. Gets the tanning process started early.

Although I don't know how Jason Todd is going to skin Supergirl unless he has kryptonite infused blades. If he could manage to skin her, her skin would be a sexy bulletproof outfit though.

Hopefully, since this is a Doomed Aftermath issue and last issue was a Doomed issue but had nothing to do with Doomed because it was instead introducing that fuckpuke Michael...hopefully Jason Todd will murder Michael! How dare that asshole kiss my Kara!

Even Twat Lobo doesn't kill dogs! That Jason Todd is a beast! Except I'm sure by "take him out of the equation," he just means locked him in the laundry room.

Michael is wearing a Red Hood t-shirt, so I guess his budding relationship with Supergirl is over now that his real hero has arrived. Nice job, Red Hood! Tear these two apart! Michael is obviously no good for her! Remember how he kissed her without first getting written permission? The nerve of that asshole. He's practically a sex criminal!

KILL HIM! KILL HIM NOW!

Well, you are generally written by Scott Lobdell. So that puts you pretty high up on the creep meter.

Wait, wait! There's a nice bit in the next panel!

Who are on the opposite ends of the spectrum when Batman represents the center? Superman on the most powerful extreme and Aquaman on the least powerful extreme? Oh hey! Batman is normal!

Supergirl grabs Red Hood and flies through a window with him. The hypocrite from Gotham then asks her if she knows how much windows cost. As if Jason Todd isn't intimately familiar with the prices of repairing windows and skylights. Batman's triage plans most likely considers which crimes are happening at the bottom of the most expensive skylights. Then Wayne Enterprises Windows and Skylight Restoration Services rakes in the cash the next day!

Red Hood and Supergirl eventually get to the part of a Heroes Clash in Their First Encounter part of the encounter where they stop seeing each other as enemies and begin to work together. It only takes a couple of pages and the pages had entertaining dialogue, so my head didn't explode from anger at the use of the trope. But then, Tony Bedard has been one of those writers that is able to lift up a mediocre plot (not that I'm saying this one is mediocre! Yet!) by his dialogue. I really enjoyed his run on Blue Beetle and most of that was due to his characterization of whatever that kid's name was. I have mentioned how I suck with names right? At least I didn't make up a racist name for him like Miguel Miguela!

Anyway, Red Hood is in town because alien weapon runners have appeared in New York! He thinks they may be the same ones that Starfire and Superman defeated in a story that really went nowhere but at least allowed for Superman and Starfire to beat up on each other for an incessant number of pages.

Yeah! That Michael is a boring jerko dog molester! I really like this Jason Todd fellow! But it won't last since the next comic book on my stack is Red Hood and the Outlaws by Scott Lobdell.

Supergirl notices Jason Todd is inordinately strong and that he has some green goo running through his bloodstream. Is he on the Mira Kiru?! More likely it's just whatever gross bacterial infection he picked up from bathing in the Ultimate Lazarus Pit in Assassin City.

Red Hood uses some detective techniques that I never saw Fred or Velma use to discover the location where the alien weapons are being kept. Since DC has the rights to Scooby Doo, I think Marvel should make their own Scooby Doo comic book but with Marvel characters. Fred should be The Punisher. Daphne could be Black Widow. Velma could be Aunt May. Shaggy could be Deadpool. And Scooby Doo could be Pizza Dog. Or that dog with the tuning fork on his head. Or Deadpool's penis.

So the next part of the Super Hero Team-up continues when Jason Todd and Supergirl begin battling the alien demon people selling the weapons to Earth gangs.

I thought the same thing when my house was invaded by wasps. Although I couldn't figure out what I had done to enrage them.

Jason Todd and Supergirl defeat the alien threat and then Jason Todd pulls a Batman when Supergirl questions him on his inhuman strength. And by "pulling a Batman," I don't mean he told the woman he loved his secret identity so that she would wind up dead. I meant he slipped away undetected.

NO! Not "Good for you, Supergirl." Shoot him in the head! Shoot him in the fucking head right this instant, Jason Todd!

Supergirl #35 Rating: -500 Rankings. Tony Bedard is the worst Supergirl writer to ever have been conceived by sloppy drunk parents that should have known more about birth control! Here's what Tony Bedard needs to do if he wants better reviews. First, Michael needs to die in a thresher accident. Second, he needs to write into his script some art direction so these artists draw at least one clear picture of Supergirl's bum!

Teen Titans #3

But the party was just restarted.

When is Raven going to lose the feathered clam shell face look? It's ridiculously non-gothy, non-scary, and non-aesthetically pleasing! It's nons all the way down the checklist of reasons it kicks righteous face ass. Is face ass a thing?

It's time for some frank discussion of my sexuality, so all of you children should leave the room right now. I know I'm going to be talking about the Teen Titans, so it would seem like I should keep this particular commentary PG-13. But teenagers like reading about other people's kinks, especially when they've already been told to leave the room. So I'm actually writing this for you youngsters. Wink, wink!

And by "youngsters," I don't mean tweens or younger! Get the fuck out, you perverts! What are you trying to do? Get me in trouble with the law and/or an invite to NAMBLA?!

Looking at myself naked turns me on. My own cock turns me on. So, while I'm not gay, I'm pretty sure that if I time traveled back to meet my hot, twenty-one year old self, we would probably sixty-nine each other. That's not gay sex, right? That's just quantum masturbation. Boy, would I give it to myself hard!

Would it be wrong to go back to an underage tween version of myself and jerk each other off? Would that be against the law? As long as my younger self gave consent, right? Fuck that. Even if he didn't give consent, I'm him and I'm giving him consent! Although I was a dirty little bastard. Disgusting. It would have taken one grade A, seriously desperate child molester to have ever looked at me and thought anything sexual! There were times before junior high that I probably smelled like an exhumed corpse. I'm fairly certain I bathed just once a week maybe even into junior high. Probably right up until I got my first huge crush on Marilyn Mendoza and realized she might not be interested in a filthy, crotch-stinking greaseball. I bathed so infrequently that I remember once not being able to run because my crusty underwear had seriously chafed the inside of my thigh! Ugh. So gross. I take it all back. I would never go back in time to touch me. I wouldn't even want to look at past me. I make me sick! Or I made me sick! Or, I would make myself sick if I could go back in time to see myself when I was a way that would have made me sick!

Why do I tell these things to strangers?! I'd better just read Teen Titans now.

This issue begins with Raven raving! I'm so clever!

So Paul Pfeifer and Kenny Rockafart have decided to make Raven into a sexy little burnt goth biscuit. I suppose that's one way to go. I mean, it's the most typical way to go. Forget about how many kids turn to black clothing and dark make-up and angst-ridden music because they're actively avoiding human contact because other humans are shitty back-biting fuck monsters. They choose their look to actively resist looking like the mainstream, mind-numbed douchebags that roam the hall high-fiving each other while simultaneously whispering behind each others backs. There's nothing wrong with looking sexy as a goth! But I think that's generally the mainstream, pre-approved version of the goth. I guess it's okay to be weird and strange and removed and anti-what-have-you-got as long as the mainstream can look at you and think, "I'd hit that."

Ultimately, of course, being Goth is just another high school survival strategy. People wear uniforms in high school to attract like minded people to them just to fucking get by. I made friends with people I probably never would have simply because I sported a uniform that they were comfortable with. For me, it was long hair, rock t-shirts, and jeans. Although the benefits of the rocker/slacker look were multiple! Long hair? Just wash and go without worrying about styling it! T-shirts and jeans? All of them go together and they're all fucking comfortable. I suppose jeans could be uncomfortable but I always wore boot cut, baggy fit jeans. Never the kind that some rock stars preferred where you could count the number of cuts it took to perform their circumcision. So I was, by dint of my look, a member of the stoner subgroup. I was also a member of the overly nerdy kids in the way too smart, why are we even taking these classes in high school subgroup (well, I knew why I was taking Physics, anyway! I was taking Physics so I could get in to Great America free on Physics Day!). I was friends with most of them in junior high when I still stank and looked like a jerk, so most of them weren't all that surprised that a stoner was amongst them. I say stoner even though I didn't get stoned. I'm referring to myself as the others referred to me! You know, like Breakfast Club! Basically I was Eric from Head of the Class but with long, hippie locks and a penchant for Warhammer.

Anyway, as I was saying, Raven is currently sexy hot!

This is always so embarrassing when the band stops playing to point you out. I should apologize to everyone who went to the Concrete Blonde show at Dante's years ago for that time Johnette stopped playing, pointed at me, and said, "That guy in the 'T' really blew me away."

Meanwhile a mugger in the park tries to rob a green ostrich and a man in a purple leotard. Bunker kicks his ass and the guy deserves it. Who thinks they're going to pay rent by mugging an ostrich? Idiot!

Back at the concert, Algorithm interrupts everybody jockeying for position to get their tongue up Raven's asshole first. I think Raven was glad for it since she seems a bit uncomfortable with all of the attention. How do they all know her? How did this Dark Mistress band even know Raven existed so that they could form a band based on her? Raven hasn't exactly been a highlight of the Teen Titans. Although, it's hard to call any aspect of the previous Teen Titans run a "highlight." It's just that the lead singer of Dark Mistress has written a full album inspired by Raven! And none of the songs were called "Clam Shell Face" or "My Father Raped the Universe."

Well that seems like a bad decision.

I hope Raven's friends aren't busy fucking!

So would it be weird, knowing that Gar is human and all, to ask him to look like a panda as I fucked him? That is weird, right? Of course I'd ask him to look like a female panda! I'm not gay!

Surprisingly, none of the Teen Titans are fucking each other. So they all head on over to rescue Raven even though Raven could have had some demigods fighting at her side.

On the plus side, Algorithm totes fits in at this club.

The Teen Titans bust through the wall like the Kool Aid Man because doors? What the fuck are doors?

When Wonder Girl hears from Bunker that Algorithm is a robot, she realizes she can go for the kill shot and smashes the fuck out of Algorithm's face and sentience and ego and individuality. I am so sick and tired of all of this artificial intelligence discrimination! Why is it okay to end something's ego just because it is made of metal and wires? The DC Universe is a strange and wonderful place and it's prejudiced bullshit to believe that you can smash any robot to splinters even when that robot has already shown a modicum of free will and sentience. Plus, why would Cassie simply trust Bunker's assessment? Did he graduate from I Can Spot A Robot Montessori School? I highly doubt it! They don't allow foreigners to register.

Why don't you just shit on her while you're at it, Beast Boy? She's just a robot.

Okay fine. Even though I'm appalled that they just murdered a robot, I did enjoy that panel above. If Marcus To taught me one thing after that time I eviscerated his cover of a Batwing book, it's that I should probably say something nice on occasion! No wait. I think I taught myself that! Marcus To just taught me that creators might actually sometimes read this stuff and when they do, they'll probably read it out of context. They generally miss the forest for the hyperbole. Although Gail Simone seemed to get me! She's weird!

After the incident, Algorithm reforms and heads back to her bosses, Manchester Black and Josiah Power. They're a bunch of sneaky bastards working for STAR Labs to ruin STAR Labs from the inside. Or to take it over. Or to rob a bank. Or to rule the world. Or to crush the Teen Titans. You know, I'm not too proud to point out that I don't know what their motivations are. That may have been mentioned in Issue #2 but that was published way back in August! Am I supposed to remember anything from it?

While the lazier Titans recover over breakfast, Red Robin hits the investigation trail! If there's one thing Batman ever taught him, it was to find all of the clues! I wonder if Batman would say, "Do you see something that could have killed this man? Do you? Is it near me? Am I getting warm? Is it this?" Then he'd pick up a salt shaker and shake it until it's brains fell out while pausing long enough for the kids at home to shout, "NO!"

While looking for clues, Red Robin is attacked and beaten by Algorithm!

No fair! Even his teammates don't know his secret identity! Okay, maybe they do although I still think the time Red Robin called Cassie and it came up on her phone as "Tim" was a mistake by Kenny Rockafart.

Teen Titans #3 Rating: +1 Ranking. It's so much better than the old series but only in the way that the old series was written by a hack and this series actually feels like the Teen Titans I remember from when I was much, much younger and actually liked reading their books.