World's End #2

Earth-2 Starfire needs to get laid.

There's a very specific reason why I added the above caption that's filled with subtext and commentary on the way Starfire was portrayed in the beginning of The New 52. I'm sure I'll take some hits about how that's a misogynistic comment about how when women are angry, men have a tendency to say a good dicking will straighten them out. Which, of course, is why I said it! Because it's a thing idiots say. But for intelligent people that understand smart, satirical things, and also have been following The New 52, they'll get the joke. And if they don't, I'll explain it right now so that I don't wind up getting my head torn off by a bunch of women that need to get laid: ...um, whoops. I didn't mean that! I, um, oh shit! Can we start again?! Let's change the subject!

How bored must people be with their daily lives to find baseball exciting? I just watched the last two innings of a World Series game which caused me to think about doing chores I've never even considered before being bored out of my mind by the game. That was just two innings and I couldn't believe how much of my life I was wasting! And baseball fans know exactly what I'm talking about! You know how bored you are watching a baseball game between two teams you don't give a fuck about because none of your fantasy baseball players are on them? That's how boring all baseball is to me! It's like being an atheist. All gods are silly bullshit to me. But people that love their God scoff at my commentary that religion is bullshit. Although they totally understand and agree with me when talking about any other god beside the one they think is real. That's baseball! It's stupid bullshit right up until somebody pisses on your team.

I may not have made complete sense in either of the last two paragraphs I wrote. But that's okay because I have an excuse: I don't give a fuck.

That's it? Only the two choices?

Earth-2 Starfire calls herself K'li. I think that's the Apokolips version of Kaylee. Nearly every little girl on Apokolips is called that or some name that ends in "-en" or "-an" or "-on" or "-yn". Since most Earthlings don't know how to pronounce names with apostrophes in them, little K'li suggests they simply refer to her as War. What a coincidence! Most people refer to the other Starfire as "Whore!"

I don't care if that last statement crosses the boundary into slut shaming! It was a good joke! At least for the men! And the whores!

Meanwhile in other parts of the world that matter quite a bit less than America so who cares about them at all, more Apokoliptian Horsewomen appear from the fire pits! Without horses! So just women!

I know K'li appeared in Geneva and not America. I'm not saying I really care what happens to Germany either! Or, um, France. Bulgaria? Swartzerland!

Swartzerland was just me typing a random name that sort of sounded like Switzerland and not a racist joke. Unless it was a subconscious racist joke that makes absolutely no sense.

I know this isn't a Follow Friday but right now, my favorite person I follow on Twitter is Laura Silverman.

Alan Scott heads off to battle the Apokoliptian that emerged in Brazil, Hawk Cop and Doctor Cocoa Puffs are headed for the invader in London, and Aquawoman heads off to stop the intruder from South Africa that just headed into the ocean. That leaves K'li to battle a spinning robot, two Kryptonians and two Replacement Batmans. The Streak Starring Jay Gimmick dashes off to do some bureaucratic nonsense.

Meanwhile, something enormous is approaching Earth-2 from outside the solar system. Seeing that Darkseid was trying to BOOM Tube Earth to Apokolips and failed, maybe he's decided to make a solar system call. I hope when he arrives he says, "Candygram."

What the hell can that party boy billionaire Oliver Queen do? Get drunk and pass out in his own puke?

Off in Puerto Rico, Mister Miracle helps Mister 8 and Mister Terrific break free from Bedlam's mind control. I don't have the patience to analyze exactly what he does because I'm confused by Big Barda and Fury acting as if they're buddies while looking at Mister Miracle in a cage. When last we really saw Big Barda and Mister Miracle on Earth-2, they were teammates (and more, probably) and they were fighting dinosaurs in Gotham. Now Barda and Fury are associates? It's quite possible I missed something in the transition between the end of the last battle with Apokolips and the beginning of World's End and this new battle with Apokolips. Anyway, I refer you to my excuse for not making sense earlier because it's the same excuse for my not understanding what the hell is going on!

Oh well, according to Futures End, Fury and Mister Miracle will become intimate. Which means Barda and Fury and Scott all share a bond with each other as children of Apokolips who don't exactly feel any allegiance to Darkseid. I think. I guess we'll see what happens to Fury and Barda! Maybe they'll act as spies working with the Horsewomen. Or they'll be prisoners on Amazonia. Or they'll be something else entirely since I don't have time to list all of the possibilities for their futures.

With K'li's power to enslave females, it looks like I've found a new future possibility for them.

World's End #2 Rating: No change. I haven't even hit post on this commentary and I'm losing Followers! How do they know?!

Batman Eternal #28

I have never in my life worn pants this tight.

My days are getting longer and longer. When I'm awake, I don't want to go to sleep. I move from one distraction to another until I just can't keep my eyes open any longer. When I'm sleeping, I don't want to wake up. I crash hard and stay completely out for at least eight hours, sometimes more. But once I do wake up, I just keep rolling over and falling back to sleep because I don't want to drag myself out of bed just to find another distraction. Eventually hunger, thirst, and a straining bladder force me out of bed and I start all over again. I miss my friend.

The sadness is like a low grade fever. I haven't had a runny snot, body hitching, breath coming in gasps cry for a day or two now, and that, in itself, makes me sad. But my eyes are constantly tearing up. I've long ago stopped bothering to wipe tears off of my cheeks. I don't know when I last showered. I don't think I left the house at all yesterday. At least I've experienced loss and mourning so that I am now adequately prepared to properly fake it when my parents die!

Here lies Judas. Oh yeah. For those just tuning in, I'm grieving for a cat. People can suck it.

Okay then! Enough of that shit! Let's see how many dick jokes I can come up with while reading Batman Eternal!

You know, I'm not quite sure why I equate my juvenile humor to dick jokes when I really rarely make any. I guess it's as good a standard as any for immaturity.

Now this first panel? This put a huge smile on my face. Especially after having just read JLA/Hitman.

I'm just thrilled that Noonan's has retained its place in the DC Universe since the reboot. Judging by the pictures on the wall and Hacken with one hand missing (portrayed in an issue of Batman and Two-Face), the entire run of Hitman is probably still canon. Although because of the Reboot, I'm still hoping that the ending was different and Tommy survived somehow. Now somebody just needs to convince Garth Ennis to work for DC again and continue Hitman's story.

Apparently Noonan's is Jason Todd's favorite bar in Gotham. The bartender probably helps him out with his girl troubles and ethical dilemmas. Which might be why Jason Todd's moral compass is so fucked up. You know. Because the bartender is a demon from hell named Baytor.

Jason Todd feels like he needs to do something else before he leaves Gotham. Starfire, having been through this before with Dick Grayson, tells him what to do.

Good thing Starfire has the self-esteem of a warrior space princess or she might begin to wonder what this Batgirl has that she doesn't.

This issue is called "Letting Go" because of course it is. Fuck you, synchronicity.

Currently, Batgirl is scaring the shit out of Commissioner Jason Bard by setting up a falling to his death simulation for him. It's the kind of thing that usually costs five dollars worth of tickets at the yearly fair down by the river. But Batgirl is doing it for free. And if Jason Todd hasn't already fallen in love with her, he will once he sees how ruthless Barbara can be.

Meanwhile, Catwoman shows off what she learned during her pole dancing classes. Enh. I've seen better.

I'm not sure if this is subtle allegory or witty satire. Although I do like that this strip club allows minors and serves popcorn.

Mr. Bonerman has sold tickets to people to come watch Catwoman beaten to death on a stripper's stage. And for those of you thinking that at least the little girl won't see any nudity with her extreme violence, a few panels later we see that naked women are dancing on the other stages. It seems weird to pay lots of money to see Catwoman killed and then to miss the entire show because some naked woman is waving her punani around the room.

For those of you that don't like the slang term "punani," I suggest you read up on its etymology. It's actually quite a lovely compliment.

Too bad for Mr. Bonerman and Dragon Ivantsumbuttsecks, Killer Croc has a vested interest in Jade. And Croc just came up the elevator. He's probably not going to be very happy with Mr. Bonerman exposing his young friend to sex and violence at the same time. One or the other, fine. But both? That's like X Rating territory! Or A Clockwork Orange.

Batman also has a lead that's going to bring him to the most violent, super sexiest show of the decade! With popcorn! He's probably going to be disappointed that Waylon Jones got their first, killed everybody, ate them, ate the popcorn, and impressed Selina far more than Bruce ever could.

Stupid synchronicity is stupid. Also, more Meghan Hetrick, please.

Killer Croc begins teaching thugs how to pole dance while Catwoman uses some of the moves she learned in pole dancing class to break Mr. Bonerman's leg. Although I don't know what kind of pole dancing class she was taking that was tying its students to poles and teaching them how to bust legs from that position. She may have been in a self-defense class with a bunch of other students wondering why she was learning self-defense in her bra and panties.

Over in the Burnside district (unless Barbara hasn't moved yet since she is still wearing her old costume on the cover), Jason Todd breaks into Gordon Barbara Gordon's apartment.

I think that's Alysia. Maybe. It's certainly not Frankie. So this must be her old place.

Back at the violent sex show, Jade is shot and killed (accidentally!) by Dragon Ivantsumbuttsecks. So this wasn't an allegory or satire! It was a morality play! See what happens, kids, when you watch violent and sexual television shows? You fucking die! Unless it was the popcorn that killed her. It's hard to say when a story doesn't just come right out and tell you what it's about.

And over on the rooftops, Jason Bard is learning a lesson about destroying a city. If you run a huge scam to destroy a city for your own ends, you'll wind up with a severely broken leg causing you to have to use a cane in all of your future comic book appearances. It wasn't Babs' fault that he broke his leg. Not entirely. Jason Todd came along and pretended to drop Jason Bard to his death for good, knowing that Barbara would never let it come to that. So she saved Bard but fucked up his leg in the process. It's almost the exact same thing that happened to Gwen Stacy, right?! Fucking DC stealing from Marvel yet again!

Babs, full of adrenaline and not thinking straights, tries to get Jason Todd to make her a woman. A Batwoman! Wait. I didn't mean he'd turn her gay. I meant he'd...never mind! Jason Todd says goodbye and then flounces out of Gotham with a "You said I'll never be Dick Grayson!" Jesus, Jason Todd! You need some lessons in being a warrior space princess. Chill out!

With the death of Jade, Catwoman decides it's time to take her rightful place as ruler of The Gotham Underground (the regular underground and not the stupid Ann Nocenti underground). As the daughter of Rex Calabrese (supposedly?), she's ready to take control of the city and stop the chaos. And not because Batman told her to stop causing chaos. Fuck Batman.

This guy's a dick.

Batman Eternal #28 Rating: +1 Ranking. Why can't Futures End be this entertaining?

Futures End #24

Looks like Futures End Brainiac has collected the Preboot Universe.

Last issue, Ray Palmer ejaculated his getaway ship and the New Stormwatch climbed stickily on board to escape Brainiac World. But his ultimate escape plan relies on Black Adam to watch his back without changing sides or betraying him. It also relies on The Engineer fixing The Carrier which will only happen if The Engineer doesn't betray him and changes sides. Meanwhile, Frankenstein suffers from indigestion and Amethyst can't get the image of The Atom's penis out of her mind.

I've read Futures End #0 so I'm pretty sure this whole escape thing is futile and the New Stormwatch is about to join Team Brainiac whether they like it or not.

Well, they just lost Hawkman! His Nth Metal is now infected with Brainiac Simplex X.

Eventually everybody makes it back to the Carrier in one piece, including thousands of Brainiac drones. I wonder if each drone houses exactly one bit of random trivia? Every time Brainiac learns something new, he gives birth to another drone. That's why he enjoys collecting new species, pub trivia night, and enslaving worlds.

Back on Cadmus Island, Big Barda might be surprised to find Mister Miracle pitching woo with Fury.

They woo pitch differently on Apokolips.

Scott and Fury decide they're going to rid Cadmus Island of Brother Eye's influence. They can probably do it too! Especially if Green Arrow's army lands on the island to help out! And by "Green Arrow's army," I mean Big Barda.

Also, apparently Harley Quinn Annual #1 smells like pot.

Back at Columbia University, Tim Drake's ex, Madison, has been palling around with Jason Rusch's ex, Ronnie Raymond. It's nothing romantic or anything! They just need shoulders to cry on and a sexually non-threatening friend to confide in.

Unless I'm wrong and this is how Ronnie thinks heterosexuals do it.

Meanwhile in Africa, the center doesn't hold and the gyre widens and some horrible beast takes apart Constantine's friends, Tommy and Annika. But Superfarmer arrives before John can be killed because Constantine doesn't often die. Just the people that get close to him.

Speaking of John, I enjoyed his new television show. It went far more into horror than I thought it would and I hope it keeps that aspect of the show at the forefront. I think they told Matt Ryan, the actor who is playing Constantine, to tone down his accent because American audiences are fucking wimps when it comes to understanding any English spoken with a non-American accent. Or it could just be that Ryan has a natural Welsh accent and he's trying to change it up to whatever Constantine's accent actually is. Scouse? Cockney? Chutney?!

One thing's for sure though! Constantine better stay away from Pandora's Skull in that mill's basement! Put on Doctor Fate's mask, sure. But don't touch that stupid skull! Or wait! Maybe he should touch it since he's going to act more like New 52 Constantine being that he's on network television. Maybe if he fucks with the skull, he'll fix the universe and turn into good old Hellblazer Constantine! Then he'll be able to say cunt on network television!

Futures End #24 Rating: No change. Why is DC doing this comic book again? Is it just to get Terry McBatman into regular continuity?! Or is this their failsafe back to the Preboot universe? They'll keep this comic book running right up until the point that they think reverting back to the old universe will earn the company more money than they're currently making. At that point, Brainiac will flip some switch, causing his black hole to invert, spitting out his old Preboot collection and turning The New 52 universe into his new collection, safe and secure in his big black hole.

Green Lantern Corps #35

Call him a Black Lantern just because he's black. Comic books are racist.

I wish I was constantly angry over stupid shit just so it looked like I was intelligent and full of passion. Instead, I just get angry over comic books. And even then, the anger is just for show so it looks like I care about something. What I'm really doing is just killing time. Should I be doing something more important with my life? No, probably not. Who cares?! It's not like I feel the need to prove myself to some authoritative father figure! I don't need constant love and attention and cookies from some all-encompassing mother figure! Well, maybe the cookies. But Oreo supplies those, so I save my love for the Oreo Corporation. And most people are tyrannical assholes who think the way they live their life is the way everybody else should live theirs, thereby ensuring that mainstream society sucks fucking ass and is hardly worth participating in.

Oh wait! I just remembered something I want to be angry about which I've been angry about before but who's stopping me from ranting about it again? Certainly not some dictatorial dad-monster that raised me to GO GO GO and MAKE THAT MONEY, SONNY! Here's what I want to hate on now: Paying It Forward! The whole concept of "Paying It Forward" is bullshit. Stop being stupid, dumb, motherfucking bullshit assholes. Oh yeah, I'm the one being tyrannical now! But I'm being tyrannical with good advice! Paying It Forward might make you feel philanthropic because you bought some stupid twat their coffee, but what you're really doing is trying to oblige that stupid twat to also Pay It Forward. And if everybody is constantly Paying It Forward, YOU AREN'T FUCKING DOING ANYTHING, YOU DUMB NITWITS! Why doesn't everyone just pay for their own fucking coffee?! It's practically the same thing! When a Pay It Forward chain begins, you know what gets accomplished?! One fucking person gets their coffee for free and it's the asshole that finally thinks, "Fuck that. I ain't paying for the next guy's shit." So that dick gets all the benefit while the person who began it is just out an extra few bucks. Oh, sure! You all feel so fucking giddily happy with yourselves for participating in Paying It Forward. Look at you! Patting yourself on the back for doing an inconsequentially decent thing. Such a maverick! Just changing the world one stupid decision at a time! You go, moron!

Fucking dicks. Now your Paying It Forward bullshit has ruined my day. Stop playing your stupid Paying It Forward games and actually help people in need if you feel the need to partake in some form of charity. Except that actually takes thought and time, doesn't it? It's much easier to wait until somebody else pays for your lunch to remind you that you want to feel like you're accomplishing something so you pay for somebody else's lunch! And, well, you just happened to have an extra few bucks that you didn't spend on your own lunch, so why not pay for somebody else's lunch?! Oh, you kind, giving, charitable, gracious, happy-go-lucky rebel, you. Fuck you.

I wish I could feel things more often! Angry, mean-spirited, horrible, abusive things! Yes! It feels so good to ruin some nicety nice nicerton's day! Suck it, you Pay It Forward monsters!

Hopefully, for Van Jensen's sake, I've successfully vented my rage and my system is no longer threatening to blow every gasket. Let's see if John Stewart can keep from reigniting my boilers.

Ha ha! Oh yes, that helps calm the nerves. Seeing John Stewart getting his ass kicked. So relaxing.

This issue is called "Reckoning" because things are going to get wrecked on in here, y'all!

The Green Lantern Corps are investigating the planet Aydin which The New Gods transformed into Paradise. Except a few things went wrong because The New Gods aren't infallible. They may be more powerful than everything else in the DC Universe but they're not smarter. They're just power hungry assholes with an Apokolips obsession. And they've never heard about the Emotional Spectrum because they're all unfeeling bastards that probably think Paying It Forward is the height of human evolution.

Especially maybe in the window where the other one came from? Who left these braindead fucknuts in charge of the universe?

It's nice of those other lanterns (Vash, Isamot, and Arisia) to just hang around floating in the sky while John was savaged and knocked eighty feet to the ground to disappear in a heap of rubble. But what more can they do? They already yelled, "STEWART!" Green Lantern Protocol, I suppose, forces them to float in the sky staring down at the hole in the rubble to wait and see if Stewart can help himself. Or, and this is quite probable, they're just afraid that if they fly down to help John, he'll wind up killing them. You can't be too careful around that incompetent, planet-destroying, teammate-murdering buffoon!

The Green Lanterns cage the Evolved Aydinians except they manage to break out of the light construct cages. Isamot exclaims, "How could it break through--?" Seriously, Isamot? Haven't you been paying attention to recent Green Lantern history? Your Green Lantern Rings are not the most powerful weapon in the universe anymore! They fucking eat dicks! And not in a good way! They eat them in that German Craigslist cannibalistic hook-up kind of way! What were once weapons that could subdue any creature in the universe are now about as useful as the machinery in the planetarium used to run the Pink Floyd laser light shows. Every Goddamned creature in the universe seems to be stronger than the constructs or completely immune or able to absorb the spectrum energy and use it against the Lanterns themselves. The Green Lantern Corps are fucking dinosaurs, man! They're dinosaurs!

Uggha the New God shows up to teach the Green Lanterns that wooden sticks and metal maces are more useful than their rings. They're even better than sticks and maces made out of light! Because physical, real weapons can kill these creatures even when the most powerful weapons in the universe cannot.

I think the Green Lantern's main problem is the same problem Earth is having with Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus! The Green Lanterns have been killing and subduing different weak willed species across the universe for billions of years. Which means the stronger willed species they haven't been able to kill or subdue with their rings have continued to propagate and evolve, creating more and more creatures resistant to the light of Willpower. So now billions of years later, the universe is awash in strong willed creatures that the rings have no power over. The Green Lanterns have basically fucked themselves by the overuse of antibacterial emotional spectrum.

Oh John! You hypocrite!

John realizes that the New Gods are behind what happened to this planet just as Uggha demands that he and his friends turn over their rings. They're just too dangerous to be used by a bunch of species that aren't smart enough to realize how truly powerful they are. Unless those are the exact types of species that should be using the rings! The species that have learned to utilize them just enough to not be too dangerous!

John, Isamot, Vash, and Arisia battle with Uggha and his minions. If the definition of battle is "get your ass kicked and then flee as fast as you can." They escape with the teleportation help of an Indigo Lantern.

Meanwhile Highfather and Metron discover the location of Kyle Rayner, White Lantern, and head off to relieve him of his burden.

The White Lantern's Burden? Is that a thing?

Green Lantern Corps #35 Rating: No change. Currently, the Green Lanterns can't stand against The New Gods. Their rings are useless against them. All they can do is run. I suppose they'll have to use the entire spectrum together to put any hurt on The New Gods. I'm sure at some point, Highfather will be surprised that they made him bleed, or he'll say something comic booky like, "That actually hurt!" But it'll take every color of the rainbow (and probably white as well (although minus orange unless Larfleeze's orange constructs can still use their orange construct rings)) used together to defeat The New Gods. And then the universe will collapse due to The Relic Inevitability Equation!

New Suicide Squad #3

I know DC Comics wants to sell lots and lots of issues of Suicide Squad, but Harley Quinn really shouldn't be on the team. Neither should The Joker's Daughter. Or Deathstroke. You know what? This whole roster sucks.

Last issue, Deathstroke was busy proving why he's the wrong man for a covert government black ops team. He's too skilled for government work. People will pay gross national product sums of money to hire him to kill and Deathstroke has no qualms about dropping a job to begin working for the next highest bidder. At least, he doesn't when he's not currently concerned about his reputation. You see, sometimes he's more concerned about how the assassin community views him than he is about money, and then he can't be bribed with a higher offer. But I don't think he gives a shit about the Suicide Squad. Besides, they're covert! Nobody knows he's working for them so nobody will know if he drops the ball and switches teams.

I don't even know why The Joker's Daughter was asked to join. I think because DC Comics realized she must have a fairly fanatical fan base seeing as how the Lenticular cover Villains Month issue of The Joker's Daughter sells for around $25 or more even though it's the worst written issue that came out that month. Holy shit is it garbage! It's just awful! I don't think I'll ever enjoy anything with The Joker's Daughter in it ever again simply because of that issue.

Harley is obviously on the team so the book actually sells. Deadshot is on the team because he's always on the fucking team. And Black Manta is on the team because the team needed a little diversity. He's certainly not on the team because they're going after sunken treasure or Aquaman's life.

Well, Black Manta, you're going to have to unless you think the corpse of The Joker's Daughter will be an effective teammate.

Is this match-up supposed to get me super excited? Even if The Joker's Daughter was my favorite character of all time and I was completely biased, I couldn't pick her to win this fight. She's just a fucking kid that ran away from home and shoved a rotting piece of flesh on her face. Harley has experience! She has anger issues! She has a reason to kick the shit out of this girl wearing her ex-boyfriend's face! The Joker's Daughter really should just shorten her name to The Joke.

Also, in that panel above, can you see that little box with the words you can't read? It explains that the Suicide Squad is a team of "incarcerated super-villains." Really? When has Deathstroke been incarcerated? When did The Joker's Daughter get put into juvenile detention? And what fucking super-powers does she have, anyway?! At least Harley seems to have the super-power of making cartoon violence look absolutely adorable. The Joker's Daughter is just a whiny asshole.

Now that The Joker is back in Batman, does he have a new face? I'm sure somebody in the DC Universe has the ability to grow him a new one in a lab. He should get Element Girl on his payroll to make new faces for him every week.

Harley Quinn and The Joker's Daughter continue to fight with each other as Vic Sage, Amanda Waller, and Black Manta bore the fuck out of me. None of this dialogue serves any purpose! Stop wasting my time, Sean Ryan! I have a feeling Ryan's entire pitch for the new Suicide Squad was this poorly thought out team and an idea that Vic Sage should be in charge. The Editors came in their pants over that idea and forgot to ask him if he had any ideas for a plot. Although he did make sure to have the most skeletal of plots ready to go: "The Squad invades Russia because, um, Putin! And Rocket Reds!"

Although, I have to admit that I enjoyed the resolution of the Harley vs. The Joker's Daughter fight (which Harley won, of course, by beating her senseless):

Harley was also helping herself get over The Joker by punching his face again and again and again.

The issue ends with the team searching for Deadshot who's busy being tortured for information about where the rest of his team have gone. Why would they think he knows that when they pulled him from a pile of rubble with a serious head injury? Plus, shouldn't they be more concerned about why these super-villains were stealing state secrets? Oh wait! They have Deathstroke to answer those questions for them now that they're paying him. Speaking of Deathstroke, he comes in to "torture" Floyd for the Russians. I put torture in quotation marks because we all know that Deathstroke was just pretending to work with the Russians to gather additional information (or to complete the real mission that none of the others knew about) and now he's actually going to "save" Floyd. I put save in quotation marks because he'll probably feel like torturing him at least a little bit.

New Suicide Squad #3 Rating: -1 Ranking. It really is mostly boring bullshit. I suppose Sean Ryan is still trying to come up with a reason why he stuck Vic Sage in command alongside Amanda Waller when she's been doing the job well for years. Although she did work alongside Frank Rock and some other teammates for a few issues back in the early Naughts. So far this book is sans plot just to make the clowns fight and to see the guys with "dead" and "death" in their names struggle for power. I'm pretty sure that was the whole premise of this crap.

Worlds' Finest #27

Yay! Just what DC's fans have been clamoring for! Another comic book starring Batman and Superman!

Do I really care about the secret history of Earth-2? Maybe if it's all the blood of Charlemagne lizard people and rampant chupacabras, sure! But if it's "Thomas Wayne didn't die in that alley!" and "Superman wasn't the only Superbaby!", I'm not so sure I'm interested. Why can't this be a Man-Thing/Howard the Duck team up?

Hey Marvel and DC! Get your stupid act together and realize that you should be publishing one monthly comic book that mixes your stupid universes. Just tell the lawyers to fuck off and stop trying to stifle everybody's fun. If you have to, just publish it with characters with slightly different names followed by "wink wink" in parentheses. So you'd have Badgerine (wink wink!) and Uberman (wink wink) and Amazing Woman (wink wink plus a nudge nudge) and Arachnid-dude (wink wink) and The Ostentatious Ignoramus (you know, the Hulk! Wink wink!). What's wrong with Marvel and DC? Do they hate money?

This issue begins with Tornado Lane believing that Earth-2 is so fucking special that all of its history and art and knowledge and sexual positions need to be recorded and preserved so that maybe, sometime in the far future when nobody will give a shit about ancient happenings, a society will take up her digital recordings and say, "How am I supposed to access this data in this antiquated storage device?" No wait. What Lois hopes will happen is that they will "rebuild their world if possible." Who is going to want to rebuild an ancient world that doesn't fucking matter anymore? I think the future will be more interested in naked selfies of your robot circuitry than the history of Batman and Superman. So come on, Lois! Remove the metal carapace and show me your chips!

Tornado Lane begins her historical account with the early years of Clark Kent. Who's that? Perhaps she should begin by telling the future that he was Superman! She's assuming her audience knows an awful lot.

"Know this, Future Generations: Superman's father was a huge failure."

While little baby Clark was rocketing to Earth filling his space capsule with loads of green baby turds, Thomas Wayne was busy telling Frankie Falcone that he and Martha are done attending his key parties. But he's Frankie Falcone, baby! If he wants to fuck something, he's going to fuck it! Nobody says "Get your dick out of my face!" to Frankie Falcone! Well, nobody but Thomas Wayne. But he would pay for that transgression! In an alley! Behind a theater! After watching The Mask of Zorro! Um, probably. It happens like that on every Earth, right?

Since Thomas won't play pee-pee games with Falcone anymore, Falcone needs a favor from Thomas Wayne so that Frankie can find someone that can't say no to his fat dick.

Oh yeah. Frankie's gonna get himself a gay baby!

Meanwhile on Krypton, Intri of Apokolips arrives to make Jor-el an offer he'll probably refuse because it's probably about his baby and Darkseid's cock.

There's an awful lot of infant pedophilia happening so far in the secret history of Earth-2.

I'm getting the feeling that Tornado Lane isn't recording the secret history of Earth-2. I think she's just writing her own wank book. A filthy, disgusting, immoral wank book that I completely and totally don't approve of at all! Except I have to admit that it should be published because I'm against censorship even if the material that is being censored involves people having sex with infants. I, for one, would never create horrible material like that! Can you even imagine reading something so ethically disgusting? Baby Alan Scott lying in the crib with a come hither giggle, naked, drooling, and seductive lying in its own filth, while a man...Ugh! So gross! How dare you, Tornado Lane, put those thoughts in anybody's mind! Shame on you, Lois! Shame!

Anyway, Jor-el sends Clark, Kara, Val, and a mystery baby away from Krypton so they could avoid dying and/or being molested.

Yeah! Although the children are being sent to the world with that other monster, Frankie Falcone, on it. So they still might wind up with severe trauma.

Thomas beats down Frankie Falcone which may or may not come back to haunt him later. I guess it depends on whether or not the mugger that kills his wife was a random mugging or a hit put out by Frankie. Will Tornado Lane uncover the truth to that story? You know what? I don't really fucking care. Why am I, once again, rereading Batman and Superman origin stories?! I've had it to the end of my cock with these fucking stories no matter what kind of twist DC puts on them! And I'm talking about my erect cock and not my flaccid cock! So that's like a whole bunch of more inches or centimeters or something worth of exhausted with these stories! Batman and Superman are so over!

Worlds' Finest #27 Rating: -4 Ranking. DC Comics has done a disservice to this title by losing the story of female friendship that had shaped it up until this point. I'm really not interested in a story about Earth-2 Superman and Batman! We already know the end of that story! They die! Oh, sure. Maybe it'll wind up being entertaining and interesting how all the Soon To Be Justice Society Babies' lives will be intricately tied up with one another. But it had better get really interesting really quickly or I'm going to rant and rave and lose my mind every time I have to read this stupid fucking comic book! Or forget making Earth-2's Super Babies interesting and just give me back Huntress and Power Girl, you jerks!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #12

Should Strife be hated or admired because she's good at her job?

How does the God of Ineptitude do his job? Doesn't he have to be the embodiment of ineptitude? So how does he make anybody inept if he's no good at his job?! I suppose he could be like that guy Schleprock on The Flintstones and he just strolls around town infecting everybody with his ineptness. What about the God of Impotence? Poor guy couldn't make any demi-gods!

Anyway, Superman is back from, supposedly, a black hole. But I'm not buying that! This might be a comic book but that doesn't mean it can posit completely ridiculous situations! Returning from a Black Hole is something they would have done on Perfect Strangers or The Brady Kids! I thought comic books wanted to be thought of as serious art? Well, you're not going to get any overly serious who-wants-to-hang-around-them-anyways assholes as comic book fans with plots like "Superman survives flying into a black hole!"

Now I have to look up that word! If it's not a real word, I'm going to be pissed that I exerted myself for no reason.

Oh wait! I get it! It's the transformation of a metaphor! I thought maybe it had something to do with the changing hormones of super heroes. Like maybe Wonder Woman was going through the change.

Speaking of The Change, does anybody know if it's okay for a guy to excessively touch his wife's hormone cubes which she takes for her menopause? I'm asking for Doom Bunny because he might be going through a change himself by the way he's constantly fiddling with his wife's cubes of hormones.

Wonder Woman was hanging out in Wembley Stadium because she needed to kick Giganta's ass. I don't know why Giganta was invading a soccer game. I suppose she had nothing better to do after Pandora's comic book was cancelled. Although I'm sure she'll get her job back when The Trinity of Sin begins later this month (actually which began already but I'm nowhere close to reading it yet!).

Earlier in the series, Superman gave Wonder Woman a flower from one of the creatures in his menagerie. I can't believe I didn't say how irresponsible and dangerous that was back in Issue #1! I was really off my game that day! Or I was concentrating on making a stupid joke that even I didn't understand when I reread the commentary later. But I should have been suspicious because as Wonder Woman was off fighting things and beating up The First Born and kicking Superdoomiac's ass, the flower turned into a betentacled zippered handbag. It sure is cute! I guess it had to grow its own form of locomotion since Wonder Woman forgot to oil it for months.

Why is Superman suddenly so touchy-feely? I think he got a taste for black holes! Wink wink! Nudge nudge!

Wonder Woman and Superman are immediately greeted by Wonder Woman's out of control flower as they walk in the door.

"...a zippered vagina?" No, seriously. Is that what a vagina looks like?

Audrey III runs away to guzzle gasoline while Superman and Wonder Woman give chase. She escapes into a gas pipeline which is when Superman reveals that the creature is Kryptonian. So he should have known that this would happen! You don't give somebody as busy as Wonder Woman a plant that needs oil on a regular basis or else it will turn into a rampaging monster! And yet, Superman blames Wonder Woman for forgetting to oil his thoughtless gift.

It's at this moment that Wonder Woman remembers she saw Strife on the cover and flies off to beat the fuck out of her.

Superman flies to Louisiana to see if the Swamp Thing can calm down Audrey III. Sheesh. Like every plant just automatically knows every other plant! No wonder Swamp Thing can't stand people. Superman explains how the flower is going to eat up all the oil and send the world back to the dark ages and Swamp Thing says, "Really? That's your argument to get me to stop it?"

But Wonder Woman arrives in time to explain that, as The God of War, she would be forced to send the world into a huge world war if Swamp Thing didn't help. She explains it as if the humans would be behind it themselves due to the chaos of a world changing so drastically but she's the God of War! Take some responsibility for your actions sometime, Diana!

Swamp Thing learns to speak Kryptonian, gets Audrey III to stop sucking down oil, and convinces her to come back to Louisiana to suck down something else. Probably Sweet Tea.

Actually, Superman convinces Wonder Woman to keep the stupid plant in her apartment because he's an asshole. Just accept that your gift sucked and take it back, you jerk! Don't put the onus on Wonder Woman to keep London safe from this stupid plant that shouldn't be out of the Fortress of Solitude even if it wasn't dangerous. You've heard of invasive species, right Superman?! This plant could already have dropped spores all over London! If that's the case, it's all over! I don't think Swamp Thing is going to be your little bitch boy every time these plants get out of control. Not that I don't think Wonder Woman isn't responsible enough to care for it! But she shouldn't have to be responsible! Just give her a gift card to Torrent!

So what was the metamorphic flower a metaphor for? Wonder Woman's angry love making? Superman's inability to give decent gifts? Wonder Woman's insatiable desire for lubricant? Superman's Kryptonian need to feed off of Earth's culture at the expense of Earth itself?! The flower was the metaphor, right? And aren't flowers always metaphors for vaginas?! This one even looked like a vagina! And it was angry! And it wanted oil! OH! So it is about Wonder Woman's need for lubricant to combat the generous amount of friction Superman is capable of making during the hokey poke-it!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #12 Rating: No change. This was a fitting last issue for Charles Soule. Unless it wasn't his last issue. But I think it was his last issue. Stupid Marvel offering him buttloads of cash to only write for them. At least I'll still have She-Hulk!