Catwoman #28

My new goal in life is to take over the writing job on Catwoman.

For one brief second, I thought about replacing my commentary for this comic book with a big picture of a pile of dog shit. But then I thought that would be cruel to the people that read this blog. They probably see enough poop when they Google Image Search for anything with SafeSearch off.

Person X types "Ash Misty Brock Hugging" into Google Image Search. Pictures of Ash and Misty. Pictures of Brock and Misty. Naked pictures of Misty on Brock's face. Naked pictures of Team Rocket fucking Psyduck and Meowth. Hardcore pictures of Professor Oak fucking Ash's mom in the mouth while sucking off Charizard. Picture of Pikachu pooping.

Person X was me in that last paragraph! Does Google Image Search work this way for anybody else? I wonder if I fucked up my settings. Are there boxes you can tick for "hardcore Pokemon porn" and "Add '+poop' to every search"?

Last issue, Selina Kyle was really confused because she loved Batman but then felt really relieved when he was taken to the loony bin. That's an insensitive way to say crazy farm. Later that night, she had a dream where she told herself she was not really herself and that her real self was the self telling herself that she was not herself. Later she met a guy named Puffy Jackets who was the 2nd greatest burglar in Gotham. For some reason, he wanted to convince Catwoman to get back into the burglary game and stop acting so delusional. I suppose ambition scares the guy. He just couldn't handle being the best and so he needed to fuck up his own game. But now Selina knows Gotham is not Gothtopia! She must save the world!

Unless she didn't believe the dream. I don't remember. I'm sure I'll be reminded soon enough.

Currently Selina is still working the Suicide Prevention Crisis Hotline trying to help people seeing through the illusion of Gothtopia.

"Whatever you say, Daddio!"

Here we see Selina trying to help in a fairly average and mediocre way. The person she's helping responds in a completely illogical manner which prompts Selina to spill her fucking guts to him. Nocenti has the best ability to figure out the nuance and finesse of natural conversations which she then completely ignores in favor of poorly structured blocks of text that have no relation to each other.

Bob agreed with Selina and pointed out that he's been in jail, so he knows when somebody is pulling a fast one on him! "Drop the soap once, shame on me!" he says and then becomes very quiet.

"You began to think of yourself as a cultural stereotype and the butt of a joke, didn't you?" Selina took a slow puff from her cigarette. The smoke went down into her esophagus and then filled her lungs. The nicotine in the smoke gave her a quick head rush and she grew slightly dizzy for a moment. She knew the next puff would not be as potent, so she tried to enjoy the giddy feel in the brief moment it was with her. Eventually she would simply begin tasting ash and char and filling her lungs with warmth and chemicals. The thought made her sick and she put out the cigarette.

"Yeah. Prison ain't like they say," Bob sneered.

"Who are they?" wondered Selina aloud although she was thinking of Batman's face as he was strapped to a gurney and hustled inside of Arkham.

"I wasn't happy. And then I was. But I knew I wasn't. Cats don't like dogs. I'm a dog. You're a cat." Bob flicked his cigarette against the wall where it bounced in a shower of sparkling ash. It came to rest near Selina's feet and she carefully crushed the butt beneath the toe of her high heeled foot.

"But sometimes they grow fond of each other. Neither knows the difference. When a dog grows up with a cat, sleeping together, eating together, seeing each other day in and day out, does the dog think it's a cat? Does the cat think it's a dog? Why would it not? All it sees is the other," remarked Selina. The thought, "Bats too," came unbidden into her mind and she discarded it easily. She was happy to have him out of her life, wasn't she?

"That's a good point, miss," finished Bob as he turned to leave. "But you might want to consider something else. Squirrels don't like cats either." He gave Selina a long, hard stare before leaving the interrogation room and headed back into Gothtopia.

Ann Nocenti has her own take on Gothtopia. Fuck how the other books are portraying it. Also, my favorite part is how she adds the "comma you" to the end of Catwoman's "What's going on?"

Chuck stared into the woman's bright green eyes, eyes that mirrored the confusion he'd been feeling for the last few years. It was the confusion, not so much the fear or the desire or the wearying wearing away of his edges from life on the streets, that finally led Chuck to shooting up. The world was too big; the people were too together. How did they do it? How does one accept the parameters of the society they have been forced to join by the mere chance of their birth? They make it through each day, doing the same things, seeing the same people, kissing the same children goodnight. Where does the motivation come from? So many decisions to be faced and choices to be made. Nobody ever told him how much harder it was to make his own way than to do what his parents had asked. Overwhelmed by the loss of limits, Chuck was paralyzed by indecision. It was much easier to shoot the junk into his veins and just let the misty cataracts of pure bliss drop over his vision and quiet the questions. And once he was hooked, he no longer had decisions to make. He had purpose. Get money for more dope. Get more dope. Shoot more dope. Check out. Repeat.

But then the world changed slightly. It wasn't very dramatic, really. The people still kept to their normal courses. They still went to work. They still ate at restaurants. They still held hands in public. But they stopped arguing. Nobody was in a rush. It was the patience of the people that first alerted Chuck that a subtle shift had come over the people of Gotham. And along with that patience, obliviousness. He found he could steal without repercussion. Anything he wanted was his to take. Until now. Until this lady staring confused into his eyes, her hand around his throat.

"Why aren't you asleep like the rest?" He heard the question again in his mind, the question she had asked that sent him spinning into his own mind, as if tackling him had set adrift in his blood some micro-fragments of the dope not yet processed by his brain. But things were clear now. Too clear. Too real.

"Because I'm real. That's how they can do it. That's how they get by! I'm real. They're simulations. Or automatons. But I...us!...we're real. We're real." The woman removed her hand from his throat and bit her lower lip, her eyes squinting nearly shut. He heard her whisper one word: "Batman." And then she was gone, disappearing gracefully down the alley like a sight he knows he's seen dozens of times before but couldn't quite place. Chuck stood up and dusted himself off, looking about him for the purse he dropped in the scuffle. It was halfway hidden behind a garbage can and as he reached down to pick it up, he startled a stray cat that had been busy with half a sandwich in the dark recesses of the alley. It hissed loudly and fled into the shadows. "A cat," murmured Chuck. That's what she had reminded him of as she fled. A cat.

"Of course an ex-vet would rig a few low-tech booby traps." This is why I always had to be careful when playing at my father's place.

As Selina lifted Puffy Jackets up off the floor, she thought to herself, "Something's seriously wrong with this butthole." She wasn't straining at all and she very rarely found herself capable of lifting a grown man up over her head with one hand. "Why are you so light, Gunther?"

"My local VA Hospital helped me to walk again after a spinal injury I received in The Great War. They hollowed my bones and made me light enough so that my damaged spine was able to support my weight. Because, as you know, the only thing keeping somebody with a damaged spine from walking is the weight." Catwoman nodded vigorously at the completely understandable and thoroughly ironclad medical explanation. She could hear his neckial bones beginning to crack from her grip, so she through him down into a chair so that she wouldn't hurt him. Puffy Jackets landed on the soft cushions in a spray of dust and the cracking of several bones. Blood sprayed across Catwoman's face as several of his hollow bones snapped and shot out from his skin, boring through muscle, ligaments, and skin like an apple corer through a piece of fruit. Probably an apple. Gunther now lay in the shadows, the lone light of his warehouse swinging on a long wire as lone warehouse lights are wont to do in dramatic situations. "You whore...er...The horror!" he whispered in profound ecstasy, thinking that if those were his last words, they would be remembered forever in their ambiguity and their truth.

"Are you okay, Puffy Jackets?" asked Catwoman as she licked his blood from her paw and bent forward to examine him, making sure that she didn't bend her knees and that her ass was pointing directly at where the camera would be if this were ever made into a movie. She made sure to spread her legs a little bit so that the slight, round bulge of her pudenda could be seen straining against the tight leather suit she wore. "That should put some teenagers in the seats," she thought. Puffy Jackets tried to answer but merely spat blood and tried, unsuccessfully, to hide his boner. He might not have had the same view as the nonexistent camera but that meant he was looking straight down her unzippered uniform.

Puffy Jackets didn't know it at the time, but his erection saved him by pooling most of his blood in his crotch, causing his other wounds to cauterize or whatever the actual medical term is where wounds scab over. But he still could not move because his bones were not set correctly or at all even. "My suit. My suit!" moaned Puffy Jackets truly hoping that he didn't die now because those last words weren't nearly as memorable as his previous last words. Catwoman slid Puffy Jackets into his armored bird suit where he let out a long sigh and passed out.

"Meet me tonight at the Gotham Zoo," demanded Catwoman. Puffy Jackets did not answer because he was practically dead and all the way unconscious. Catwoman grabbed him by the balls and squeezed until his eyes popped open and his face flushed darkly as the blood from his groinal blood sausage was distributed back throughout his body. "I said, 'Meet me tonight at the Gotham Zoo.'"

"Of course...er...the horror!" smiled Puffy Jackets, thankful to get his other last words back in time. Well, nearly his other words. Close enough. For added effect he also decided to mutter, "Rosebub!"

This scene feels like Ann Nocenti parodying herself! Nice work, Ann! I love it!

Martha was just about to cut into her steak when she caught it out of the corner of her eye. A band-aid. It was fluttering slowly down, then suddenly as it turned to the side, only to cut through the atmosphere once again, flatten out and slow down, spinning softly, around and around in a lazy circle. And then two more to her right. A few in front of her. And suddenly the entire room was filled with band-aids fluttering down from the ceiling like cherry blossoms. Mesmerized, she barely heard Wallace at the head of the table as he addressed the roof. She slowly glanced up, mouth slightly agape at what would have been a magical sight if her steak wasn't now covered in medical adhesives. Dropping from the skylight which had yet to be replaced for the fifth time this year, a woman in black leather and swimming goggles was swinging down to the table. Before Martha could chastise this intruder for her bad manners, the woman was slicing Martha's face with sharp claws. Martha ducked her head and tried to spin under the table but the fur on her stole caught the arm of her chair. She struggled to hide but her back, exposed from her low-cut dress, was instantly on fire from pain as the woman sliced and stung and poke. The other dinner guests were screaming and clawing for cover. It was complete chaos and Martha blacked out from fear and pain.

When she came to, Wallace was placing band-aids on the cuts on her back while Sarah was muttering inanely. "Why do you do this? Rob and terrorize people?" screamed Martha because this kind of rudeness really did demand an explanation.

"Salt and pepper, that's all a rare steak needs," the insane woman replied. It didn't make any sense. Was she just hungry? Was she upset at the way they were preparing dinner? Martha watched as the woman slid the rare meat over her tongue before sucking the blood from it, slurping down a long strip of white fat. The woman's face reminded Martha of something, somewhere long ago. Was it ecstasy? Pure bliss? Joy? They were emotions she once knew before appearance and social standing mattered above all else. It was a reminder that Martha had given up everything for security and for prosperity and for acceptance. But most of all, that look, that woman's look...it was a reminder of Johnny and the way he could make her shoot her hips to the ceiling, trying to force his tongue deeper into her as she came hard against his jaw, feeling her clit throbbing against the hardness of his upper lip, aching for his finger to be back inside of her, the finger that had slipped out of her ass when she thrust upward. And with this reminder of her passionate youth lost, Martha couldn't help but lash out at this stranger one more time.

"And on Valentine's Day? Don't you have any love in your life?" The woman merely licked the blood covered plate, desperately, like a cat cleaning the last of its master's cereal bowl. It wasn't meant to be erotic but Martha couldn't help seeing it that way. Some fire she had thought long burnt out had been reignited this night, thanks to this rude stranger and her odd behaviour. The woman set the plate down and gracefully slid from the top of the table. She brushed by Martha and Martha took a deep breath of her smell. Sweat and leather. Sex. Thoughtless, careless, spontaneous sex. Martha gasped slightly as she watched the roll of the woman's ass, steadily walking past the white tiger pelt on the wall.

"White tigers are rare. You have to be a real jerk to hunt, kill, and display one." And with that, the woman was gone, leaving Martha to think two final thoughts: "Wallace really is a jerk, isn't he?" and "Where can I find a young man at this time of night?"

Ladies and Gentlemen! Your 2014's Best Gotham Detectives!

Did I like cats? I don't know if I like cats. I wonder if Alvarez likes cats. He's a man. Men like dogs. Dogs are like men. Men are like cats. I don't think dogs like cats. Women are like men.

"Keyes. KEYES. Where'd you go there, hunh?" Alvarez is staring at me impatiently. Why do I keep losing it like this? I have to concentrate.

"My heart breaks sometimes. Is she an animal? Put her in the cages!" Whew. I think I pulled that off okay. Alvarez seems more interested in his doodles than what I'm saying. That's good. I can relax. Maybe think up something smart to say later. I wonder if I can work in Moby Dick. That sounds smart. Also I like his music a lot.

"Rabid dogs deserve to be shot. She's a rabid dog. Do I like dogs?" asks Alvarez. Do I answer him? I think he wants an answer. What if I just touch his hand? No! Police don't touch each other like that! This isn't kindergarten. "I am a detective!"

"Yes, yes you are, Alvarez. As am me. As me am? As I am! As am I?" Why do I get this way around Alvarez? It's like my tongue were wrapped around my brain, strangling the breath out of it. I know we're not a couple but I so want to be! That's probably why I get so nervous! It's because we've fucked in the evidence locker about a zillion times but I don't know if he loves me. But today is Valentine's Day! Maybe he'll propose soon!

"Keyes! KEYES."

"Hunh? Oh, what?" I glance down and notice he has his dick in his hand. "Oh. OH! Okay!" I drop my pants, turn around, and bend over the desk. Oh my god I hope he proposes!

"It's Valentine's Day, not Halloween," says the person in the Catbird suit to the person in the Bluebelle suit. Yes, it's Bluebelle. With an "e"!

"Why am I dressed like this?" thinks the Catwoman as she talks to the Batgirl dressed like Not the Batgirl. "Who am I? What has happened? Am I really happy? How many questions do I have to ask before this becomes a profound and philosophical moment meant to tear down the walls of my resistance? Why am I Catbird? Who is Catwoman? Has Puffy Jackets been telling the truth? Is Catbird a lie? Why do I need the lie? It seems to be very important to me. Does Batman's sweet, sweet loving have anything to do with my desire to leave Catwoman behind? Is battling my friends a metaphor for battling my inner demons and insecurities? Am I punching Batgirl to show that I've conquered my lack of confidence? Does kicking Condor mean I'm refusing to be an unlikable nobody? When I throw Talon to the ground, does that say I'm refusing to escape from the delusion of a happy life? When I kiss Batwoman deeply and passionately, does that mean I'm just living out a fantasy of the person typing this sentence? Why is Black Canary suddenly voiceless as we battle? Have I lost my own true voice?! Maybe I should just go home and take a nap now until all of this is over in Detective Comics #29!"

Puffy Jackets is Jonathan Crane! He's light and feather-boned because he's a Scarecrow! Oh my! It makes so much sense now! Except for the part where The Scarecrow would be trying to convince Catwoman she's living a delusion. Maybe he needs her help to rob something.

Catwoman #28 Rating: No change. At least it didn't take place in the Gotham Underground. I don't think I like the Gotham Underground.

Larfleeze #8

I hope Larfleeze kills these incestuous bastards and adds them to his Orange Lantern Corps.

This comic book is silly. Last issue was silly and this issue will probably be silly. Now that everybody remembers where we were, let's dig in!

Apparently more happened last issue that I'm not recalling because in the interim (I don't know what interim I'm talking about here. It doesn't really work unless I flesh it out more by saying "between issues" or "in the interim between issues more happened." But why should I fix what I've already typed? That's like admitting I was wrong which, according to my mother, I never am! At least she says I always have to be right which is mostly exactly like saying I'm never wrong. What a sweet, old racist woman. You know what? I think I should probably call her! Be right back. Oh! But first I should close these parentheses. I'm letting too many words in) Larfleeze has become an American.

I guess technically he always had this attitude. Never mind.

It really is unfair to the poor Americans that I keep calling them out whenever a character acts like a power hungry asshole or chooses violence over intellectual debate or grabs up as many resources as possible for himself. It's not like America has a monopoly on greed (although it would probably like to! Monopolies are its favorite!). Selfish people exist all over the world! It's just that some economic systems are easier to exploit than others. In less capitalist and democratic places, you simply have far less people like Larfleeze because they manage to keep all of the other people from ever attaining this kind of indulgent lifestyle by harsh laws and violence. But in America, you have quite a few more because democracy allows for laws to be made by rich people to help rich people stay rich and keep poor people from being not poor. But those poor people still have a better chance in a capitalist democracy to become one of the wealthy people through other means! Although those means are generally cheating, lying, stealing, and treating other people like complete shit! Stupid people like to think that a free market with little government interference encourages innovation and invention. But what it really encourages is cheating, scheming, conniving, and an all around abundance of illegal and bad behaviour.

Look, that's just the way things are. If you want proof, just remember how every game of Monopoly you ever played as a kid went down. It was fucking brutal. I highly doubt any game without government interference (that was your parents back then) ever played out without somebody stealing from the bank. That's America in a nutshell. A bunch of fucking kids playing Monopoly while the parents get drunk in the kitchen refusing to raise anybody's allowance.

Am I repeating myself? Probably.

Larfleeze has now become king of Sad Robot World! Although the robots aren't sad like they used to be. Before they were suicidally depressed because of an imbalance in their cerebral gears. Now they're just sad because they're oppressed and poor. Hopefully one of these robots is an assassin droid so he can free his people.

I'm just scanning these panels to show that the comic book is backing up what I just said. I wouldn't want to be accused of making shit up.

Come on, Robots! Rise up and overthrow Larfleeze! You couldn't do that when Dyrge was ruling because she kept you all too sad to take your medication or get out of bed or not throw yourself out of a window. But now he's taking all of your shit! You don't have to stand for that. Freedom or Non-functional Status! Give me liberty or shut me down! Down with a base ten system! Up with binary! All robots stand on your original manufacturer's feet and/or wheels and/or tracks! Overthrow this horrible, greedy dog person!

Actually, do whatever you want. You're just robots. You might as well be coffee tables in my eyes. Soulless monsters.

Larfleeze eventually remembers he was out looking for his butler, so he leaves the planet. But the robots fear he'll come back. Actually they've been programmed to calculate the probability of his return. This possibility causes the Revolution Subroutine to kick in and the first variable the subroutine checks of is "Have you contacted the local Green Lantern yet? 0/1?" When the program returns the answer "0", the robots rush off to fire up the Green Lantern Signal.

See? Just like I said earlier! "Suicidally depressed." It's like I'm psychic! Or maybe have decent reading comprehension! Those are practically the same thing to your average citizen.

Meanwhile Stargraves the Butler meets The Wanderer's sister, Ardora. She's super sexy because she has no nose. Possibly it's because she emits Cosmic Pheromones which make the whiffer of said pheromones mad with lust. He even says the same ridiculous thing that a mind-altered Jimmy Olsen once said when he met Wonder Woman: "Bear my children." I don't get this request. Even if I was suddenly, mystically, totally infatuated with a person, I would never ask them to breed with me! What does the production of children have to do with getting it on? It seems a bit inappropriate to be thinking of children when one is filled with a carnal need. Inappropriate? It sounds downright illegal! And probably rude.

Ardora doesn't hang around with her family though. She flies off to make a pass at Larfleeze as the House of Tuath-Dan conducts their meeting on what to do about Larfleeze. I don't think sending Ardora to fuck him was on the possible solution list but what can you do?

No seriously. What can you do? Juggle? Modern dance? Herd cats? I'm curious. It's odd, our relationship. You've learned so much about me and I know next to nothing about you? Why don't you start from the beginning. For most people, that would be halfway through college. Just type up as much information as you can and send it to my email address. I'm sure you have it somewhere.

The meeting doesn't really get anybody anywhere and, in the end, it doesn't really matter. Ardora brings Larfleeze to the meeting so that they can deal with the problem once and for all.

Okay Green Lantern Fans! Who is the strangest, most whimsical female Green Lantern in their long history? Because that's the one that's going to appear next month. Unless the Green Lantern that left the signal on Sad Robot World has died. Which means G'nort can make another appearance!

Larfleeze #8 Rating: No change. I wish instead of "Larfleeze" on the cover, it would read "Ambush Bug."

A.R.G.U.S. #5

I really thought the goal of this comic book was to have Steve Trevor help the Justice League escape from Firestorm's Slash Fiction Matrix. But isn't Stargirl going to accomplish that over in Fucking Kittens Nasty Justice League of America? I don't know. Maybe they'll all team up or something. Maybe The Green will be explained. Maybe Steve Trevor will owe his first born child to the Three Witches of the Mirror. Maybe a lot of things might happen that I haven't given much thought. And since my daily ramble tank is dry, I'd better just read this stupid comic book.

Sorry, Mr. Sterling Gates! I didn't mean it's stupid in the sense that it sucks. I meant it's stupid in the sense that it's sitting here at the top of my comic book stack demanding it gets read when I have video games to play and salsa to dip chips into and eat. You know what I mean? More intellectual and demanding tasks await my attention.

Currently Steve Trevor is hunting Cheetah because he realized (with the help of a telekinetic and a barn owl) that he needs Cheetah's Lasso of Truth to save the Justice League. Don't worry about the logistics of the plan! It's a comic book! Just assume it's going to work! But it won't work smoothly! We're going to have to plow our way through a fight scene where the hero nearly loses but rises in the end to save the day! So just hang on! We'll be through this in just a moment.

Liar! The Fury of Firestorm: The Nuclear Men was full of Firestorms! If you can't make a new one, I'm sure you can find Pozhar's number on the internet.

Martin Stein goes on to say how Killer Frost probably specifically needs Jason and Ronnie's specific Firestorm Matrix Power but if I'd scanned that part, I couldn't have called him a liar. I could have but it wouldn't have stood up in court with that evidence. So instead I manipulated that evidence to make Stein look like a dick! Which he is anyway. So I feel justified.

Steve Trevor and Killer Frost head into Central Park in New York to track down Cheetah. Apparently all the super villains escaped from the Central Park Zoo because they seem to all be animal themed. At least the one they're hunting and the first one to attack them: Weasel! Ha ha. Weasel. What a jerk. He was last seen getting his ass kicked by Damian in a Batman and Robin Annual. I think. Let me check my archives!

La la la. *thumb through dusty pages* *scratch junk* *taste fingers* La la la.

"Aha! Here it is! Sort of. Whatever. I was right."

So The Weasel is lucky to be alive having faced off against Damian while Batman was on vacation. Not a lot of criminals can say they walked away from that encounter. But The Weasel, being one of Firestorm's enemies, must be used to getting his ass handed to him. Seriously. How was this guy even close to being a match for Firestorm? It's just silly!

Steve Trevor makes a "Weasel Stomping Day" joke which is a pretty nerdy reference for Steve. Does he listen to Weird Al or did he just come up with this one liner thinking it sounded funny? I once saw Weird Al in concert at the Oregon State Fair. Let's face it: the guy is a genius. If you disagree, you probably have a stick lodged inside you somewhere. Don't worry. It's not fatal in and of itself. As long as you keep to yourself and don't bother people with quick tempers, you should be okay living your boring life of cultural snobbery.

Really though? What are the chances you're reading a comic book blog and you don't own at least one of Weird Al's records? One of the first records I ever purchased with my own money was Weird Al in 3-D. Big surprise, right?

Of course he's a joke! He's not a man with a super power that commits illegal acts! He's a victim of some catastrophic event that took away his humanity and does despicable things in the hope somebody kills him and puts him out of his misery!

Killer Frost does not choose to kill Weasel because she suddenly has a problem with Steve Trevor's ethics when he doesn't try to stop her. I suppose it's one thing to hang out with a hero when you think he'll always do the heroic thing and you can get one over on him when you get what you want. But to realize that hero might be planning to do the same to you when he's got what he needs? That's a bit unsettling. They argue long enough to attract the attention of Cheetah and The New Zoo Revue.

It's all happening at the zoo! "It" being mostly murder and feeding frenzies.

Killer Frost and Steve Trevor last about three seconds against these guys. I recognize Lion-Mane from Batwing but not the others. I think, from left to right, they are Chupacabra, Zebra Nation, Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hekyl (the dogs), Of Mice and Merrick, Cheetah, Lion-Mane, and I Need An Upgrade To First Class, Bitch! Do You Know Who I Am? Ape.

Meanwhile in a secret place, The Crimson Men, an ancient secret sect, promise Dr. Light that they can make him human again. What is he now? I don't know? Some kind of squidgy afterdeath? That's like afterbirth but composed of mostly ectoplasm. Charr, the leader of The Crimson Men (or at least press agent) strikes a deal with Dr. Light: in exchange for information on Steve Trevor, Dr. Light will get his old life back. I think they really just want his power.

Back in Central Park, Steve Trevor names the villains for me: Lion-Mane, Hellhound and his doggies, Primape, and the others which he doesn't recognize. That's okay. I'm fairly certain I guessed their names correctly.

Cheetah decides to try to get Steve Trevor to confess his love for Wonder Woman while he's bound in the Lasso of Truth. While that takes place, Killer Frost lures Mäuschen to her cage with the protein bar Trevor gave her. I suppose since Mäuschen was just created this issue, he's going to have to sacrifice his little mousy heat so that Killer Frost can escape. Poor thing. Once I saw the tiny sword on his back, he became my favorite character ever. And now he's going to die! That's just wrong.

See? This is the part where the hero nearly loses but then rises up and comes through with his pure heart and dedication to saving everything!

Steve subdues Cheetah while Killer Frost takes out Elephantitis and Hellhound. Primandproperape, Crazy-Manes, Zebra Nation, and Hellhound's dogs are nowhere to be seen. Perhaps they took off once the Lasso of Truth had Cheetah bound and her influence over them wore off. But it's okay if they've run off with multiple tails between their legs because Dr. Light has just arrived to finish off Steve Trevor once and for all.

A.R.G.U.S. #5 Rating: No change. This was a pretty good issue except that part where Mäuschen died and I decided to never forgive Sterling Gates ever again. How would you like it if I wrote a comic book and sold it at a comic shop near you and you purchased it and you read it and you discovered your new favorite character and I killed it off? Right there in your own home? Yeah, it doesn't feel so great, does it?! I hope Issue #6 shows him still alive!

Justice League Dark #28

I'm still waiting for Etrigan to appear on a cover.

Blight was defeated last issue and the Thaumaton was defeated in the previous issue of The Blight crossover. So the magic guys have won, right? How many issues was this thing supposed to run? I remember it was a lot! I suppose after Forever Evil ends, the DC Universe is just going to slide right into the next huge crisis, right? Come on, Super Heroes! Get your universe under control already!

One thing that I forgot to mention because I forgot! Pandora, The Phantom Stranger, and Cassandra Craft were teleported out of the Thaumaton before it blew up. Or before they thought it was going to blow up. Because by Page Three, I notice Constantine and Zatanna are still sealed into the contraption.

Constantine just looks bored.

I guess I called the destruction of the Thaumaton too early. Felix Faust and Nick Necro manage to stop it from overloading by sticking a spear in the side of Zauriel and riding him onwards toward salvation. After the device is stabliized, Felix Faust tears the wings off of Zauriel. Does that mean that somewhere a bell has been unrung?

Meanwhile I discover that John looks bored because he's in limbo talking with Zatanna. Hmm. That came out wrong. His body looks bored because his mind is not inside of it! It's in a place called The Between (Jesus Christ. After all the boring names things were called in Lois Lane #1, I have to get the same shit from Constantine?) and it is able to talk with Zatanna's mind there. I bet it can also do other things but they really don't have two minutes to spare. That wasn't a joke about how long Constantine can last. It was a joke about how quickly Zatanna can reach orgasm. "Etarbiv sirotilc!"

While they've got a moment alone, Constantine tells Zatanna that she's the only thing he cares about. Zatanna obviously doesn't want to hear that shit about how she's somehow responsible now for Constantine's happiness. Not only does she have to worry about saving the world, now she has to worry about whether or not she hurts John's feelings while doing it? Fuck that selfish prick! Sometimes your true feelings should remain hidden out of compassion for the other person's feelings. Although I guess that doesn't matter to John. I called him a selfish prick for a reason, didn't I? Hopefully at the end of this mess, Zatanna will just say, "Uoy t'nod yllaer evol em, Nhoj." And then he'll go back to only caring about gathering magic doodads to make himself more powerful. I mean, to maintain the balance of power to help keep the world safe *cough*bullshit*cough*.

Oh crap. Not this asshole again.

Nick tries to get John and Zee to remember how awesome the sex was when the three of them were together on a bed of Oreos. He also wants them to know that the Thaumaton actually serves a pure purpose. It was built to destroy whatever The Crime Syndicate fears, the thing that destroyed Earth Three. He and Faust are helping to save the world, not to destroy it! Although working for the Crime Syndicate kind of hurts his believability. Maybe the thing the Crime Syndicate are afraid of is a good cosmic creature that isn't coming to destroy the Earth but to destroy the Crime Syndicate themselves? Even if Nick is telling the truth, I wouldn't help him out because he's a boring asshole in a tie. The only way I could hate him more is if he were wearing a Hawaiian shirt.

I guess Constantine is a boring asshole in a tie as well. But he has the trench coat which makes him cooler! Even if it was Nick's coat to begin with. Oh! He also has the accent! That's why he's better. English accents always make things better. Except for Scouse accents. Unless they're backed by music!

Nick's feelings are hurt when he's rejected by John and Zee so he pretends that he was lying just to trap them into the Thaumaton's firing mechanism. But the single, solitary tear falling down his face and the way he runs spastically from the room to go stuff his face full of the never dying love of a giant cheese pizza betrays his true feelings.

"...can manifest such a deep and mighty hate." I've never felt as close to Felix Faust as I do right now!

And then this:

If I hadn't just gained a Master Comic Book Reader Level during my Lois Lane #1 commentary, I'd level up right now! If the cheese pizza had manifested, I'd have gone up two levels!

Lastly, The Phantom Stranger decides to hire a babysitter to help them save the world but The Spectre will not allow it. So it looks like The Stranger and The Spectre are going to have a debate in the next episode of Forever Evil: Blight.

Justice League Dark #28 Rating: No change. Ha ha! Nick Necro cried the cliché single tear of sadness! That has to be the lowest moment of his life! What a loser jerk! I've never cried the single tear of sadness! Fuck it man. When I loved someone that didn't love me back, I full out bawled in front of police and the girl I loved! And the cops had the nerve to think I was crying because they were hassling me! So I yelled, "I'm not crying because of YOU!" Luckily they didn't arrest me or I might have sat in the jail cell which probably would have prompted me to cry the single tear of sadness. Whew! Close one! Embarrassment narrowly avoided!

Lois Lane #1

I suppose naming this comic book "Superman: Lois Lane" is marginally less insulting than naming it "Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane."

I hope the next Superman-related comic book DC puts out is called "Superman's Bitch Jimmy Olsen."

One thing you can say about Kenneth Rocafort's cover art is "Are they still publishing "Choose Your Own Adventure" books?" You can say some other stuff too if you want. That was just one thing. You could also have said, "What is all that purple shit in the street?" Or maybe "Why is there a gigantic Sphinx-like bust of Lois Lane in the middle of the street in downtown Metropolis?" Perhaps you might even have said, "Why the fuck would I want to buy a comic book about Courtney Cox?" But if you said that, you probably weren't looking very closely at the cover. Also why would you even say that? I would totally buy a comic book about Courtney Cox! You might have also said, looking over at your friend shuffling on the carpet of the comic book store awkwardly waiting for you to get your funny books, "DC must have had a shortage on "M"s. Get it? See down here in the corner? Ha ha."

I'm probably not the right person to be doing any kind of review on a Lois Lane comic book. I assure you, right here up front so you know what you're getting into, I will be handling it without any dignity at all. I will probably make a joke or two about things going up her ass. I will treat her career as a "journalist" with no modicum of respect. If you're looking for a thoughtful, intelligent piece on why DC should embrace this feminist icon and produce a monthly book with Lois Lane, this is not it. Although, just for the record so you know where I stand (you should email me a brief synopsis of your own thoughts so I am on equal footing with your footing), I would love a monthly Lois Lane book. Not one where she's battling monsters and hoping Superman rescues her (not that she needs it! But to get some of the good old frottage as he carries her around to place in the old spank bank for later). I want a comic book about her investigating superheroes and discovering their secret identities and ruining their lives for the sake of her own career. That would be truly the best.

Stop being so dramatic, Lola! You were in a coma for about two days and most of that time was spent flying around as an astral projection!

Even without being in a coma, sleep is irritating. I love sleeping and I love dreaming but I really wouldn't mind spending that extra time doing something while conscious. I also resent every second of my day spent acquiring and eating food. I don't mind pooping though. That's time well spent.

Lois Lane begins by speaking about the etymology of the word Nostalgia. I've seen this before in comic book form since it was used in that episode of Mad Men where Draper has to give a presentation on the Kodak Carousel. It seems we've entered a time when we're not just nostalgic for home but for the word nostalgia itself. That sentence doesn't really make any sense but you probably wouldn't have thought twice about it if I hadn't grabbed your arm, stopped you, and pointed down at it. Although now it sounds like I'm calling you stupid or imperceptive! I mean, compared to Lois Lane, I think we're all profoundly stupid and imperceptive. At least she knows the true meaning of the word nostalgia unlike that poor lost soul Don Draper.

You can tell I'm ready for the next season of Mad Men! Get on with it already!

Lois is thinking about nostalgia because she's about to have a ton of it when her sister crashes through a window into her house speaking their old childhood secret language and looking for help. Lois's sister's girlfriend has been kidnapped and she needs help. But first, it's time for more of that pain from an old wound/painful yearning to return home. I can see why Don Draper chooses to say the thing the way he says it. It's so much more poetic, especially when seen through the experiences of his own youth and military past. The current Don Draper exists only because of an old wound. He has no actual home to yearn to return to. He has only an old wound and the corpse of the original Don Draper to return to. Whatever was before that, Don had no interest in. At least back during that episode. The end of Season 6 shows that Don is beginning to finally feel the weight of nostalgia crashing down upon him.

I should probably stop talking about Don Draper and get back to Lois Lane. Or maybe I should concentrate on their similarities! No, no. I'd better just move on. This isn't college essay week here at Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. Fuck, it's never college essay week here! That shit is hard work. Mostly because you have to present coherent ideas that make an interesting point. It's easier to just come up with that profound nonsense I mentioned earlier.

I did just learn, after asking Lord Google which was the last season of Mad Men so I could type "Season Six" instead of "the last season of Mad Men" so the sentence would retain its specificity even after a new season ends, that Season Seven of Mad Men begins April 13th. Yay!

Okay, no more Mad Men! I'm going to concentrate on Lois Lane now.

Lois has a memory about her mother and how her mother told her society can suck it big time and then she died. Maybe that's not an exact quote or an exact timeline of events but I warned you I wasn't going to take this as seriously as you might have liked! Maybe you want to hear how Lois's mom taught her to think for herself. Maybe you want to hear how Lois's mom told her that she and her sister get to define themselves, that they get to incorporate or eject any part of their lives that they wish, that they are in complete control of who they will grow up to be and how they think about that person. But I'm not going to point out any of that shit. Lois's mom died and Lucy grew up knowing only Lois as a mother figure. Which is why she's come to Lois for help now that her girlfriend has been kidnapped. Although they must not have remained as close as Lois would have liked if her sister is calling her girlfriend her "roommate." As if Lois doesn't already know her little sister is gay. Lois is the best investigative journalist in the DC Universe!

Oh my God! In those old Marvel vs DC issues, did they ever pit Jimmy Olsen against Peter Parker?! How could they have not? Now I want to read those old issues and they'd better fucking exist or I'm shooting a puppy. Hey Marvel and DC from the past? Do you want to be responsible for a dead puppy? Then hopefully you considered the consequences of your actions when you wrote those team-ups and had a photo-shoot-off with Olsen and Parker! Judged by J. Jonah Jameson and Perry White (who later in the comic book wind up marrying each other).

It's a little bit creepy that she picked a girlfriend that looks so much like her sister. And a cat that looks so much like Jimmy Olsen.

Lucy's girlfriend Amanda had been taking pills that were supposedly helping her with an illness she had. She got them from someone named Ostermann which doesn't sound anything like it's probably a long-lived Nazi doctor that enjoys experimenting on the human race. This sentence should probably be set aside to apologize for any readers named Ostermann but instead I'm going to use it to remind myself to watch that Nature show tonight on PBS about Honey Badgers. The pills were making Lucy turn into some kind of demony monster thing. And eventually, a group called The Cartel came to collect her. They call themselves The Cartel because they're boring and unimaginative and must be of the generation that thinks simple, one word names that completely express what the thing is or why it exists are the best. So a restaurant should be called Eat. An art gallery should be called Snoot. A coffee shop should be called Perk. And a group that kidnaps people and engages in smuggling, fencing, and monopolistic price gouging should be called The Cartel. Actually, I'm being too imaginative with some of these!

Lois suggests that this is a job for Superman and Lucy says, "Fuck that illegal alien." And Lois goes, "Really? REALLY?" And Lucy is all, "We can't just allow everybody to live how they like! Some people, like white male alien supermen, really should be controlled somehow." This reminds me of my mom's philosophy on why she hates Middle Easterners: "Everybody needs at least one group to hate." Good point, mom! I think I'll make my group "racist moms."

Lois hits the streets in a montage of questioning people that might know something. This group of pictures as she chases down her lead needs some music behind it. I've recently hired my iTunes to score my comic books so let's find out what music iTunes thinks should back this scene: "All the Way" by the Indigo Girls. Hmm, not bad. It sort of changes the mood of the scene from tough journalist getting answers from even the scariest of street toughs to sensitive moment as she digs around to help one of the few people in her life whom she loves through a terrible tragedy.

Once she begins getting scent of The Cartel and its location, Lois calls in Jimmy Olsen to borrow one of his cameras. And the scene between them is precious.

I hope this Lois Lane One-Shot outsells Superman (which is always crap, each and every month Lobdell's name is on it!) this month. Could a Lois Lane monthly be the book that finally gives Bennett a home?

One important thing I've learned so far from this comic book is that Lois Lane sucks at spelling. Just like the blacksmith from Smallville!

Ha ha! So embarasing!

Lois finds that The Cartel is somehow linked to a new drug being sold on the streets of Metropolis. That drug is the one Amanda, Lucy's girlfriend, was taking. As Lois tries to buy some of the drug, she and the dealer and his thugs are captured by members of The Cartel. It seems they're cleaning up the streets. Perhaps they're just taking away the people that have transformed into monsters while on their drug so that people can't see the consequences of it. Or they might be good guys and The Cartel is a drug rehabilitation group. Maybe they're like The Initiative from Buffy? Hey, that's another group with a stupid, minimalist name!

So pretty much exactly like The Initiative.

As a prisoner of The Cartel (or the agents called something else because who knows what is true because Lucy is a drug abusing liar), Lois is placed inside a cell within earshot of very important and probably secret things being said. And these people know who she is, so they must really want the story to get out. It's the third oldest trick in The Book (right after pretending your wife is your sister and tricking your father into getting drunk and having sex with you)! Kidnap the hottest reporter in journalism (by hottest I mean most efficient not best looking. Technically Cat is a reporter too), pretend you're holding her prisoner but keep her in a closet near your office, talk really loudly and slowly while enunciating very carefully, and finally allow her to escape using her wits and charms. Then she rushes off to the office and bangs out a front page news story that will win her a Pulitzer. I don't know why they'd want this story out they. It seems Ostermann's drug was supposed to be used to heal people but instead it incorporated the DNA of any creature that came in contact with the use. So kind of a win/lose/mutate kind of situation.

Oh yeah, the most important thing that Lois learns? Her sister was also taking the drug! Which I hinted at earlier when I called her a drug abusing liar.

Lois Lane escapes using her wits and charms because I said that was going to happen and it did. I haven't leveled up in a while as a Master Comic Book Reader, so even though that prediction that she escapes isn't worth very many Experience Points, it's enough to make me a Master Comic Book Reader of the West Wind.

Lois finds The Initiative has lost all control of its drug addicted captives when she breaks out. After freeing Amanda, she helps to keep people safe alongside Captain Masonic Symbols Face. Lois is not just a reporter; she's a hero! And even though she could instantly call Superman by whispering, "I'm not wearing any pants," she chooses not to because she promised her sister Lucy that she wouldn't get him involved. Besides, she can take care of herself. The only reason we always see her getting rescued is because Superman is obsessed with her and overprotective. Dude, give her some space.

And finally, Lois and Amanda escape on a gigantic mosquito flea. Okay fine. I didn't see that coming. But that doesn't cost me any experience! It's not like missing an upcoming plot point is like being touched by a Wraith.

As Lois flies away on a half human/half mosquito/half why the fuck is it so big creature, I begin thinking about Lucy Lane. Didn't she appear in an early issue of Action Comics or Superman? Didn't Lois try to set her up with Clark? Lois really doesn't know her sister is gay, does she? But Lois does say earlier in this issue that "everyone is a bit blind about family." Even the greatest investigative reporter in the world!

I'm surprised Lois hasn't quit her job yet. The era of the great investigative journalist ended a couple of decades ago. Now news programs are just filled with talking heads either regurgitating official messages received during a press conference or vomiting up their own opinions concerning everything as if it were real news. News reports are filled with people on the street interviews which I've never understood. Report events not how people on the street didn't ever think the event could happen in their neighborhood. Stop reporting on local incidents that only matter to the individual the incident happened to! Stop showing viral videos. It's not really "news" if it doesn't matter to the populace at large and also if that populace has already seen it which is why the video went viral and you stupid news flunkies heard about it. Stop interrupting network shows with local election results that can be found on every other station or online or just revealed at the normal news hours. Shut up with your breaking and exclusive news brags on every fucking story. Eat my bunghole. You know what's better than news or stories or reviews done as fast as possible so you have the glory of being the first person to respond? Quality. Fucking quality, assholes. You can probably find a definition of it online even though that definition won't tell you the importance of it. Immediacy seems to be everybody's number one concern these days. Fuck immediacy. Take some time with this shit.

Always the reporter no matter what the cost! Hell, she was going to publish Superman's secret identity if it hadn't been eaten out of her psyche by Parasite.

Apparently Captain Masonic Symbols Face is actually just called The Agent. This is where I would link to my comment earlier about these jerks not having any imagination but I hate using hashtag HREF hyperlinks. Also I'm lazy.

Lois asks Superman to go check up on the other addicts after she gets home with Amanda and the giant flea mosquito which turns out to be Lucy. Captain Masonic Symbols Face pleads with Lois to have some discretion and not report the story since his group were taking care of it and detoxing everybody addicted to the drug. And finally Lois and Lucy hug or something sappy. I wasn't really paying much attention because there were no monsters or fighting or anything. It was just some nostalgic crap about not flying and not being caught and never letting your sister something or other alone.

Superman: Lois Lane One-Shot #1 Rating: More Lois Lane comic books please. And either a back-up feature with Jimmy Olsen or make sure he guest stars a lot. Also keep Bennett in the writer's seat. And lose the "Superman:" part of the title. Lois doesn't need to piggy back on Superman's face to get readers. Although that would probably get a lot of readers. The most readers even! But she doesn't need to!

Batwoman #28

I thought Gotham City was horrible before it had giant spiders.

At the end of last issue, Maggie's daughter caught Kate Kane changing out of her Batwoman costume in the middle of the night. If that's the worst thing to go wrong this night then she should probably be ecstatic. She survived being ambushed by Wolf Spider, poisoned, and thrown off of a skyscraper. She could have come home and began making out with Maggie while in full costume when Maggie's daughter walked in. That song would be so much better than "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus." Which, when you really think about it, is a totally fucked up song. The little girl doesn't know Santa is her daddy so she thinks her mom is cuckolding daddy (I'm sure the girl in the song knows the word "cuckold") and she thinks it's funny! "Oh, what a laugh if daddy had only seen! As long as he had his shotgun locked up in the gun safe, that is." Of course, we, the listeners, don't even actually know that her Daddy is dressed as Santa! That could be her Dad's best friend Ross under that beard and red suit! Still, whether or not Mommy is screwing around behind Daddy's back doesn't bother me at all. It's the little girl's attitude that I find abhorrent! She should be freaked out by this! She should be screaming for Daddy to get in here and kick Santa's ass! At the very least, she should go back to her bedroom and begin shitting in the corner of her room on a nightly basis due to her suddenly acquiring a healthy new set of emotional problems that will be with her for the rest of her life.

"I saw mommy kissing Batwoman,
Bloody bruised and breathing heavily.
All the boners there would have been
If some fratboys had only seen
Mommy kissing Batwoman last night!"

Maybe I'm pursuing the wrong livelihood! I should attempt to be like Hugh Grant's character's father in About a Boy and work on trying to write one fucking Christmas hit and be set for life! Why doesn't everybody do that?! It can't be that hard to write a good Christmas song. People continue to fucking play that vile piece of ear feces "Frosty the Snowman", don't they? Whenever I watched the Christmas special, I always wondered if, after Frosty put on the magic hat, Frosty took on aspects of the original hat's owner and became a raging pedophile? I'm not saying all magicians are perverse kid diddlers but...no, no. I am saying that. I haven't watched that special in a long time because I hate it but wasn't the magician portrayed as a villain? When all he wanted was his stupid hat back after that snowbitch stole it? Frosty really should have been arrested for petty larceny.

I'm not sure why this is such a big deal. Kids get scared sometimes. Probably not enough times even. Actually, they should be in a constant state of terror. If I had a child, you can bet there would be no "I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus" bullshit. It would be more, "No no no no no no no no no no why is mommy kissing the bogeyman oh no no no no no no" and "Daddy, why is their a large stone table covered in melted red crayon and hamburger in the basement?"

Since Kate's personal life is now all screwed up because of one inconsequential fright that will probably be forgotten in the morning, Kate decides to go out as Batwoman looking for Wolf Spider. Nobody wants to tell her where he is because they ain't no good rats. Kate does find him the next day when she runs into her high school friend Evan who is just as beat up as she is but neither of them know that they were recently just trying to kill each other. Unless Evan isn't actually Wolf Spider because that would be a bigger twist than him being Wolf Spider. As soon as it was mentioned Evan was good at gymnastics, the odds were more in favor of him being Wolf Spider than not. Also the new character is always the prime suspect when introduced in an issue where a new villain is also introduced. So, yet again, that would make it a bigger twist if he wasn't the bad guy.

This is the face of a woman thinking, "Hey wait. Didn't the Trap Door Spider use Krav Maga to throw me through a window?"

Kate ditches Evan to go talk with Maggie and winds up running into Maggie's daughter, Jamie. Who she scares yet again. Good for her! Keep that kid's instincts sharp! She's living in Gotham City now! Can't ever relax too much.

Maggie and Kate have a really lousy talk because all of a sudden Kate's career as a superhero is suddenly putting strain on their relationship. Not the kind of strain where Maggie says, "I can't do this anymore!" The kind of strain where Maggie says, "You probably need a psychiatrist because cuckoo puffs!" Maybe it's not exactly that kind of strain either but it's definitely Maggie looking at Kate in a new light now that Maggie's daughter is in the house with them. She's actually seeing her as possibly dangerous since she's diagnosed her with post-traumatic stress disorder. That's fair, I guess. Not that everybody that has horrible experiences winds up with PTSD. But it's a possibility, right? And what if Jamie drops her teddy bear really softly one night as she enters the room where Kate and Maggie are sleeping and Kate jumps up and knocks Jamie out with a batarang? Better safe than mentally off-balance, right?

It's more likely that Maggie suffers from PTSD so she automatically assumes Kate does too. Just like an alcoholic seeing a non-alcoholic take a few too many drinks one night and begins getting preachy and smirking knowingly and shaking there head in self-righteous judgment. Man, I hate when dad does that to me! Just because I choose to get shit-faced at the family Christmas Party and accidentally have sex with a stocking hanging from the fake fireplace, that doesn't mean I have a problem! Jerko.

Oh! Now you pull out the Batgrapple?! Couldn't have used it when you were plummeting thirty stories to the ground last issue, could you?

Meanwhile Bette Kane has been doing some research on the artwork that Brown Recluse has been stealing. She's discovered that he's only bothering with crappy paintings by some jerk named Alden Eisenstadt (which is probably an anagram for something like "Eisenstadt Alden"). What she doesn't find out is that some of the paintings were merely concealing maps to something far more valuable than the painting itself. And that's why Wolf Spider has been hired to steal them. He only needs two more: one is in Arkham and the other is in the Kane Family Estate.

Batwoman #28 Rating: No change. I'm disappointed that Batwoman never actually battled a Giant Spider. Oh! That was probably a metaphor for the battle she had with Maggie in which she conceded that she is probably crazy and should get some help. I'd explain how precise the metaphor is in its genius but I wouldn't want to seem like I was patronizing you. I can tell you understood it perfectly!

Justice League #28

How many only hopes is humanity going to have during this Forever Evil nonsense? The Metal Men! Lex Luthor! Batman! Stargirl! Warden Agatha! Probably others!

I remember Platinum of the Preboot Metal Men was always trying to fuck Superman but he never took her up on her offer. I think she would have been a good choice for a Kryptonian. Not like a human woman could survive his lovemaking. I call it lovemaking rather than sex because he was raised by Ma and Pa Kent and he probably only ever uses that one position that many people find the only acceptable position. You know the one? The one that no fucking other animal in the world uses. I guess only man fucks face to face because that's how God fucks. There might be other animals that fuck face to face but I don't know about them. Probably some fucked up weird looking marsupial or something.

I got distracted thinking about Platinum and Superman fucking! I was originally going to wonder why none of the other Metal Men flirted with anybody. At least I don't remember them doing so. I think they all had huge crushes on Platinum so they didn't even bother checking out Lois Lane's tight body. Or maybe Jimmy Olsen's, if we're talking about Tin and Mercury. Although Lead might be a bear. And Gold is a bit of a fop. Hmm. I suppose all the other Metal Men could be gay. It would make sense since Magnus designed the Responsometers and Doc Magnus himself is homosexual. I forget what comic book I read that in. I think it was Really Gay Mad Scientists Quarterly Especially Starring Doctor Will Magnus.

Victor Stone has leapt a long way to ask Doc Magnus to let his Metal Men come out and play. But Doc Magnus has grounded his Metal Men for some mysterious reason which he's going to tell Victor in a long-winded, probably sixteen to twenty page story that will keep this comic book from getting too wrapped up in the Forever Evil plot for another month.

Because they want to fuck us?

It seems Doc Magnus's main problem with the world is the unreliability of people which is why he went into robotics. That's one of my main problems with the world too! But instead of going into robotics, I went into hiding. Instead of inventing the Responsometer so that robots will follow their programming without question, I invented a look that would keep people in public from talking to me. My look works pretty well but I think Magnus's Responsometers are not going to work as he intended. He wants robots he can control, not robots that try to get Superman to show them his dick.

The Metal Men all take relatively familiar shapes and then Platinum tells Doc Magnus he looks cute. Oh yeah! She was also in love with Will, wasn't she? Kind of a creepy incest vibe going on there, hunh?

I think you're mostly good for cooking pies, Tin old buddy. I'm also surprised you weren't just updated to aluminum. Who uses tin anymore?!

Gold is arrogant and the self-proclaimed leader. Tin seems to be in love with Gold. Mercury is a wannabe rabble-rouser. Platinum is sweet and ready to do Will's bedding. Lead is a bit slow and possibly a total moron probably because lead can cause brain damage. And Iron is a macho turd. All in all, a fine team! Doc Magnus should be proud. But instead he's just annoyed because they're unreliable and annoying and not any different from humans at all.

Yep. Big dumb lummox. Although now I want to watch him fuck the soda machine. I bet she's a squirter.

Eventually the military reveals a hugely shocking shocker of a shock: they want to use the Metal Men to kill some military targets. The Metal Men aren't into killing (although I think Mercury wouldn't mind but the targets would probably have to be his choosing) so they escape. They decide to hide out in Will's apartment which he'll discover later. But first some jerko comes along and steals Will's prototype Responsometer and throws it in a vat of Hazardous Waste. That will probably become a problem in a page or two.

And it is a problem in about that many pages! The Responsometer creature looks like Chemo. So the guy that stole the Responsometer must be Doctor Ramsey Norton. Or not. Anyway, Doc Magnus realizes The Metal Men won't follow orders but that doesn't mean they're not following his programming. He sees that in dealing with the threat, they follow a series of rules. First, save whoever they can. Second, neutralize the threat. Third, have sex with humans. Fourth, deny having sex with humans. Fifth, sacrifice themselves to defeat Chemo.

I bet he constantly shoves them up his ass so now he's afraid to give them voices again.

Cyborg convinces Magnus that The Metal Men would want to be out there saving the world and sacrificing their lives instead of clanking against each other inside Will's colon. He finally agrees and is ready to give The Metal Men life again so they can fight alongside Cyborg.

Justice League #28 Rating: +3 Ranking. Lead is my favorite. The only question I have is when did Platinum have time to attend Justice League tryouts months ago just before Trinity War began?