A.R.G.U.S. #5

I really thought the goal of this comic book was to have Steve Trevor help the Justice League escape from Firestorm's Slash Fiction Matrix. But isn't Stargirl going to accomplish that over in Fucking Kittens Nasty Justice League of America? I don't know. Maybe they'll all team up or something. Maybe The Green will be explained. Maybe Steve Trevor will owe his first born child to the Three Witches of the Mirror. Maybe a lot of things might happen that I haven't given much thought. And since my daily ramble tank is dry, I'd better just read this stupid comic book.

Sorry, Mr. Sterling Gates! I didn't mean it's stupid in the sense that it sucks. I meant it's stupid in the sense that it's sitting here at the top of my comic book stack demanding it gets read when I have video games to play and salsa to dip chips into and eat. You know what I mean? More intellectual and demanding tasks await my attention.

Currently Steve Trevor is hunting Cheetah because he realized (with the help of a telekinetic and a barn owl) that he needs Cheetah's Lasso of Truth to save the Justice League. Don't worry about the logistics of the plan! It's a comic book! Just assume it's going to work! But it won't work smoothly! We're going to have to plow our way through a fight scene where the hero nearly loses but rises in the end to save the day! So just hang on! We'll be through this in just a moment.

Liar! The Fury of Firestorm: The Nuclear Men was full of Firestorms! If you can't make a new one, I'm sure you can find Pozhar's number on the internet.

Martin Stein goes on to say how Killer Frost probably specifically needs Jason and Ronnie's specific Firestorm Matrix Power but if I'd scanned that part, I couldn't have called him a liar. I could have but it wouldn't have stood up in court with that evidence. So instead I manipulated that evidence to make Stein look like a dick! Which he is anyway. So I feel justified.

Steve Trevor and Killer Frost head into Central Park in New York to track down Cheetah. Apparently all the super villains escaped from the Central Park Zoo because they seem to all be animal themed. At least the one they're hunting and the first one to attack them: Weasel! Ha ha. Weasel. What a jerk. He was last seen getting his ass kicked by Damian in a Batman and Robin Annual. I think. Let me check my archives!

La la la. *thumb through dusty pages* *scratch junk* *taste fingers* La la la.

"Aha! Here it is! Sort of. Whatever. I was right."

So The Weasel is lucky to be alive having faced off against Damian while Batman was on vacation. Not a lot of criminals can say they walked away from that encounter. But The Weasel, being one of Firestorm's enemies, must be used to getting his ass handed to him. Seriously. How was this guy even close to being a match for Firestorm? It's just silly!

Steve Trevor makes a "Weasel Stomping Day" joke which is a pretty nerdy reference for Steve. Does he listen to Weird Al or did he just come up with this one liner thinking it sounded funny? I once saw Weird Al in concert at the Oregon State Fair. Let's face it: the guy is a genius. If you disagree, you probably have a stick lodged inside you somewhere. Don't worry. It's not fatal in and of itself. As long as you keep to yourself and don't bother people with quick tempers, you should be okay living your boring life of cultural snobbery.

Really though? What are the chances you're reading a comic book blog and you don't own at least one of Weird Al's records? One of the first records I ever purchased with my own money was Weird Al in 3-D. Big surprise, right?

Of course he's a joke! He's not a man with a super power that commits illegal acts! He's a victim of some catastrophic event that took away his humanity and does despicable things in the hope somebody kills him and puts him out of his misery!

Killer Frost does not choose to kill Weasel because she suddenly has a problem with Steve Trevor's ethics when he doesn't try to stop her. I suppose it's one thing to hang out with a hero when you think he'll always do the heroic thing and you can get one over on him when you get what you want. But to realize that hero might be planning to do the same to you when he's got what he needs? That's a bit unsettling. They argue long enough to attract the attention of Cheetah and The New Zoo Revue.

It's all happening at the zoo! "It" being mostly murder and feeding frenzies.

Killer Frost and Steve Trevor last about three seconds against these guys. I recognize Lion-Mane from Batwing but not the others. I think, from left to right, they are Chupacabra, Zebra Nation, Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hekyl (the dogs), Of Mice and Merrick, Cheetah, Lion-Mane, and I Need An Upgrade To First Class, Bitch! Do You Know Who I Am? Ape.

Meanwhile in a secret place, The Crimson Men, an ancient secret sect, promise Dr. Light that they can make him human again. What is he now? I don't know? Some kind of squidgy afterdeath? That's like afterbirth but composed of mostly ectoplasm. Charr, the leader of The Crimson Men (or at least press agent) strikes a deal with Dr. Light: in exchange for information on Steve Trevor, Dr. Light will get his old life back. I think they really just want his power.

Back in Central Park, Steve Trevor names the villains for me: Lion-Mane, Hellhound and his doggies, Primape, and the others which he doesn't recognize. That's okay. I'm fairly certain I guessed their names correctly.

Cheetah decides to try to get Steve Trevor to confess his love for Wonder Woman while he's bound in the Lasso of Truth. While that takes place, Killer Frost lures Mäuschen to her cage with the protein bar Trevor gave her. I suppose since Mäuschen was just created this issue, he's going to have to sacrifice his little mousy heat so that Killer Frost can escape. Poor thing. Once I saw the tiny sword on his back, he became my favorite character ever. And now he's going to die! That's just wrong.

See? This is the part where the hero nearly loses but then rises up and comes through with his pure heart and dedication to saving everything!

Steve subdues Cheetah while Killer Frost takes out Elephantitis and Hellhound. Primandproperape, Crazy-Manes, Zebra Nation, and Hellhound's dogs are nowhere to be seen. Perhaps they took off once the Lasso of Truth had Cheetah bound and her influence over them wore off. But it's okay if they've run off with multiple tails between their legs because Dr. Light has just arrived to finish off Steve Trevor once and for all.

A.R.G.U.S. #5 Rating: No change. This was a pretty good issue except that part where Mäuschen died and I decided to never forgive Sterling Gates ever again. How would you like it if I wrote a comic book and sold it at a comic shop near you and you purchased it and you read it and you discovered your new favorite character and I killed it off? Right there in your own home? Yeah, it doesn't feel so great, does it?! I hope Issue #6 shows him still alive!

A.R.G.U.S. #4

You'll be okay, Steve! That whole face scratching thing happened to me last night too!

See?

My Scratcher was far less sexy than Steve's. Although the Scratchee in my incident is far more entertaining than the one in Steve's incident.

This issue begins showing Black Bison murdering some ARGUS Agents in Metropolis. Agent 234 seems to be the last Agent left and if he can hold out just long enough, Cyborg should be by to beat the shit out of the other Assassin Committee 2000 Bureau Members. Except I think Cyborg beat them up while passing through Pittsburgh or somewhere. So maybe only Black Bison is currently in Metropolis killing Agents.

Nope. They're all here! Getting their asses kicked by Cyborg on his way to find Doc Magnus probably happens later.

Plastique can't get in touch with Killer Frost because she found some new friends: Colonel Steve Trevor and Professor Martin Stein. Sounds like a fucking party, those guys! But Killer Frost can't be very choosy about her friends right now. She's starving for Heat Sustenance, the kind only Firestorm can give her if you know that I mean nuclear blasts of burning passion. Trevor needs to find Firestorm because he's learned, from some ancient witches, that Wonder Woman and some other inconsequential assholes have been imprisoned inside of Firestorm's Slash Fiction Matrix. Professor Martin Stein is the guy that created that Matrix, so everybody is counting on the big nerd to find Firestorm for them. Everybody always counts on the nerd to do all the work! Look at how Anthony Michael Hall got screwed into writing the fucking paper for everyone in The Breakfast Club and he's the only one that didn't wind up getting any poontang out of it. Fucking dicks. Although it was worth it in the end. Because he knew what all writers know. Writers have the real power. They get to tell the story their way. So fuck 'em all!

Before Trevor and Stein and Snow can come up with a plan, The Assassin Committee 2000 Bureau arrives. They couldn't find Killer Frost earlier by trying to contact her on her Silver Dollar Phone. That's because they had to wait until the right moment in the plot where they'd arrive with the greatest dramatic effect. Also, they needed to enlist Grid's help. So now Trevor and Frost have to battle Plastique, Hyena, Typhoon, Black Bison, and Multiplex. Mindboggler might show herself as well at some point since she was there when Cyborg kicked their asses. Luckily Stein has some teleportation tubes in the basement for just such an emergency. And since they're going to need a telepath, they decide to teleport straight to one.

The Circus should have a Telepath or two. Plus Agent Gunn gets to make a cameo so he can afford to make his mortgage payment this month. Since Vibe was cancelled, times have been pretty lean.

When is Cheetah going to appear? Is she in the Circus? Is she a telepath? She isn't a telepath! Is she?

Well, Cheetah doesn't make an appearance yet. The telepath they're after is named Psi. Apparently she first appeared in a non-existent adventure between Supergirl and Vibe. Maybe it's a story that would have happened if Vibe hadn't been a no-personality bore and had actually managed to sell some fucking comic books. Not that I thought he was a bore! Vibe was a fun comic book!

Psi read Supergirl's mind and realized that Supergirl had meant it as a greeting when she punched her in the face. So Psi decided to help ARGUS in their mission of kidnapping and imprisoning foreigners to our dimensional shores.

This is Psi in 1985. She actually wears more clothing now.

Psi gives Trevor a serious brainstorm which causes Trevor to realize he needs the Lasso of Truth. I guess he'll use it to tie around Firestorm and say, "Are Batman and Superman really fucking each other in your Slash Matrix?!" And Firestorm will have to hide his boner and answer, "Yes." Anyway, Cheetah currently has the Lasso, so it's off to find the fucking wizard. I mean Cheetah.

A.R.G.U.S. #4 Rating: No change. I think this issue helps piece together some of the mystery behind Martin Stein. He created the Firestorm Matrix while working as a contracted agent of ARGUS. Once he did that, some very scary people came after him. Those were the Jackals and the Evil Firestorm Corporation and probably Pozhar as well. So he faked his death and went to hide out in his little cabin deep in the wilderness. Steve Trevor was only able to find out he was still alive and get his help thanks to the Ancient Witches from the Magic Mirror. So now Professor Stein is solidly back in the DC Universe instead of being mysteriously missing with only graffiti on a bus in Gotham to say, "Martin Stein Lives!" Or something. My memory isn't that good!