Larfleeze #12

And failure!

So J.M. and Keith gave it a shot. They wrote a clever back-up feature that was a lot of fun and then dropped seventeen characters that nobody remembered from the Preboot Era when they expanded to a full monthly series. I think that might have been their first mistake. Space Cabbie and Space Ranger and the Star Rovers were important elements of Larfleeze's early Reboot success. They actually had things to say besides "Mine" or "Mine!" or "Mine?" They brought some diversity to the comic book so that it wasn't just Pulsar pointing out how much it sucks to be Larfleeze's butler. Their second mistake was not writing more than four jokes across eleven issues. Even at a monthly pace, readers start to notice the jokes repeating over and over, especially when you use them three or four times in the same issue.

Now Larfleeze has one last issue to make me laugh out loud. But I'm not holding my breath. Because that would make it difficult to laugh out loud.

The issue begins with a dead beat robot dad joke followed by the death of one of the more interesting characters in the book, L-Frank!

Nothing strikes the funny bone quite like a divorced couple that can't stop arguing about money and children!

On the next page, we get the "my name is G'nort not gnat" joke for about the seventh or eight time since G'nort appeared two or three issues ago. As you can see, I hate to be too precise. Precision shows competence and I'd hate portray myself in a less than truthful light. On the page after that, The Wanderer continues to insist that Larfleeze is her beloved which is another joke that hasn't evolved at all. You'd think some of these jokes would head toward some kind of payoff instead of just treading water. Well, I'd think that anyway! I don't know what you'd think. I can't fathom what conclusions anybody willing to read this blog would actually come to.

On the page following, there is an explosion of orange light. That isn't a joke but it has happened quite often during the series. But for those that love to reread jokes, Larfleeze does declare, once again, that he isn't a monkey on the page after that!

I wonder if I can get DC to refund me $29.99 since this entire series really only used about two issues worth of jokes across twelve issues? I'd be willing to pay for the first and last issue. I think DC owes me a refund on the rest.

The page after this, we get the "don't call me beloved" joke again! And then the "everything is mine" joke comes around for another appearance. But Larfleeze only points out to everybody that everything is his so that he can defeat them and stop the battle. Finally, the Tuath Dan Clan give up. They flee the Planet of Depressed Robots leaving G'nort and Larfleeze to figure out what to do with the planet.

Larfleeze decides to remain king of the Planet of Depressed Robots even though all of the robots have been destroyed. He does plan on fixing them up though with a little help from his newly discovered cousin: G'nort!

I knew Larfleeze was a dog and not a monkey all along!

Is this canon now? Green Lanterns can't apprehend family members with links so far back that they're barely even family members? I think this means Hal, John, Guy, and Kyle can't engage any criminals on Earth at all! I'm sure we're all basically fourteenth cousins twice removed! I'd really be sure of that if I had any idea what it means! I always forget what the removed part and the numbered part and the word "cousin" mean. All I need to know is, "Can I have sex with a fourteenth cousin twice removed?" I mean, I know I can! But can I do it without the other family members judging me?

The issue ends with Pulsar having been completely forgotten. That was the best part of the issue because I'd really gotten sick of his pathetic "why me?" attitude! Although the best part of the series is the part that's never going to happen! The part where Larfleeze and Gnat ("It's G'nort!") team up to be the World's Bravest and Finest and Most Bold! It's probably a good thing that it ended with G'nort becoming Larfleeze's sidekick because now I can just imagine how good that could have been by ignoring how bad the rest of this was.

Larfleeze #12 Rating: -1 Ranking because I didn't laugh out loud. I almost did at one part! Perhaps a slight chuckle. But that's why it only gets one loss of rank instead of two.

Larfleeze #11

Do I actually have to read the comic book when the outcome is right on the cover?

Okay, so this issue might not actually end this way. I've been reading comic books long enough to know that the cover often has nothing to do with the story inside. But if I never actually read the comic book, I'll never know the cover didn't tell the actual story. I can continue to believe I know what happened without ever being told differently. It's not like anybody out there is actually reading this comic book. Sure, some die hard Lantern Fans continue to buy it. But it probably remains on the bottom of their "to read" stack month after month. Eventually, they'll realize they've got eight issues of this thing piled up whereupon they'll just board them and throw them in a box unread. Meanwhile, DC will continue to publish it because the numbers are satisfactory even though nobody is fucking reading it.

Even if the cover were blank, I still wouldn't have to read this book to know what it's about. Larfleeze is going to insist everything is his and fight with everybody that insists everything isn't his. Pulsar Stargrave is going to whine and whinge and bitch and moan about his lot in life. And the members of the House of Tuath Dan are going to have bigger and bigger fits of apoplexy. Some jokes from the first issue will be told again for the eleventh time. And although this next supposition cannot be proven simply by reading the comic book, I'm sure Giffen and DeMatteis scripted this book while blowing each other in a rusty orange van. They usually believe they have a hit when one of them can make the other one laugh jizz out of his nose.

If one good thing has come from this comic book, it's the Planet of Sad Robots. Too bad it will never be seen again in the DC Universe, and may very well be destroyed before this issue is over.

G'nort has also entered into the fray because Giffen and DeMatteis have to keep the joke characters alive somehow. Giffen and DeMatteis are basically taking the easy way out with their choices of scripts. Writing about serious topics, filling a story with emotional arcs and tragic characters, and, in essence, taking the job of writing seriously is a difficult task. If you decide to write silly and inconsequential, people can't really criticize you too harshly. You can brush off the criticism since you didn't really put your heart into what you were writing. But if you approach a subject with gravitas and a critic points out how spectacularly you goofed it up, it can be a real blow to the ego. Why do you think the tone of this blog is so lighthearted and hyperbolic in its anger? It's because I'm actually a very sensitive creature that could never hold up to the harsh critics of the internet if they were to attack the things that I truly believe! Besides, the things I truly believe are completely misanthropic and disturbing.

I should have made this comic book into a drinking game! Just like Giffen's Threshold, the jokes and the story are so predictable that I could have made a long list of rules to drink by. Just drinking for jokes that have already been used would have me drunk by page five! Pulsar has already been sarcastic and whiny. Larfleeze has declared he fears nothing. G'nort has corrected the way someone pronounces his name when they call him a gnat. The sad robots worry about their planet being destroyed. The Wanderer reiterates that she took an oath to marry any creature that could defeat her in combat. G'nort mentions how he wants to make his parents with the funny names proud. And Larfleeze has been called an Orange Monkey. It's like Giffen and DeMatteis are just recycling the same script over and over.

I probably shouldn't complain about people using the same jokes over and over. It leaves me open for criticism!

Whose sentient chip are they going to find? O-Henry's? L-Sprague's? K-Dick's?

While the Sad Robots deal with the comedy genocide card they've been dealt, Larfleeze and G'nort engage in a battle of rings and the members of the House of Tuath Dan bicker and squabble. And Giffen and DeMatteis shamelessly continue to recycle the same jokes.

That's the second time for this joke in just this issue!

The next page uses the gnat joke for a third time because when a joke is terrible, it must be done multiple times before it becomes funny. Not that the joke actually becomes funny after multiple uses of it. The funny comes from the person telling it over and over again when it was never funny in the first place. It's this comedy theory that propelled Family Guy to such great success!

Meanwhile over a few more instances of the G'nort/Gnat joke, Larfleeze and G'nort settle their differences when they realize it's all just a misunderstanding of contract law. The robots did give everything to Larfleeze and had no right to use the Green Lantern Corps to get them out of a shitty deal. But the robots aren't down and out yet! Even though they're depressed and sad and only two of them are left, they think they've made contact with another robot mind built into the the Larfleeze Trap created by the House of Tuath Dan.

It's Z-Elda? Z-Fitz? That doesn't fit with the robot naming conventions! I call foul! Quick! Call G'nort a gnat to distract from this poorly thought out surprise twist!

They don't recycle the gnat joke but they do recycle the "Larfleeze doesn't know the meaning of surrender" joke! So that was extra funny when read again! And then the final page states the obvious as Larfleeze and G'nort team up to defeat the House of Tuath Dan next issue.

Oh, that's such a shame.

Larfleeze #11 Rating: -2 Ranking. I think the problem this comic book had that the back-up Larfleeze feature didn't wasn't that it was too long but that it didn't have enough characters. Oh, sure! By this eleventh issue, there are many, many characters. But getting to this point it had Larfleeze and Pulsar and Larfleeze's orange construct creatures. The back-up feature had a nice sampling of old Sci-Fi DC Characters fleshing out the story so it wasn't just Larfleeze saying "mine", Pulsar hating his life, and Larfleeze's constructs being passive aggressive. They all had different motivations and charms. They were probably all as one dimensional as the characters in the full length series but it was just harder to tell when you only have eight pages to get to know so many characters. So maybe being too long was one of this comic book's problems! How the fuck should I know? I'm not here to fix DC's problems! I'm just here to point at them and laugh.

Larfleeze #10

How did Dan DiDio lose control of his comic book company?! He would never have approved of G'nort being a part of The New 52!

I think Giffen and DeMatteis got DiDio on a technicality. I'm sure DiDio was all, "No fucking way is that joke going to return to my super serious universe where no hero ever gets to be fucking happy ever! Not until I'm fucking happy, you assholes! So forget it! G'nort will not appear! Not even in your silly piece of shit funny book you've been putting out behind my back!" And then Giffen was all, "Actually, Geoff Johns already had G'nort appear in his super special swollen sized issue of Green Lantern about a year ago." And DiDio was all, "GODDAMMIT! I can never say no to that man! If only he could never say no to me!" And then he ran weeping back into his office and Giffen and DeMatteis high-fived each other like two drunken male sports fans watching a foosball goal while their wives satisfy their own sexual needs with toys and professionally published fan fiction.

I think sometimes my similes go a little further than they actually need to.

Currently in Larfleeze, everybody wants Stargrave the Butler for themselves. Larfleeze does not want anybody to have Stargrave the Butler but himself. That takes care of the conflict! I suppose the resolution is going to involve a lot of fighting and lot of panels of Stargrave saying sarcastic and annoying bullshit.

Get ready for twenty pages of panels like this!

Dyrge takes Stargrave to the Planet of the Sad Robots where her brothers and sisters have gathered. They all want to see Larfleeze dead which is why they needed Stargrave as bait. The Wanderer is the only sibling that wants Larfleeze alive because she'd rather not fuck a dead space dog on her honeymoon. She wants Stargrave as a dowry for the wedding. She wants to marry Larfleeze because she's mentally ill and needs to marry a male that can beat her ass. It's a whole satirical take on Red Sonja's character. The old Red Sonja's character and not the current Red Sonja's character! I'm sure the first part of Red Sonja's previous incarnation that Gail Simone flushed down the toilet was the thing where she'd only marry a man that could best her in combat.

The good thing about the House of Tuath-Dan gathering on the Planet of Sad Robots is G'nort is on his way there right now! Good old G'nort! He'll make this comic book funny if he has to pull his dick out!

See? You thought I was joking! I'm fairly certain when he says "ringy ding" he means "penis." He might mean asshole but it would be just as funny if he pulled that out too!

Larfleeze arrives on the Planet of Sad Robots but doesn't fall into the trap set for him because G'nort is bothering everybody. The Wanderer has arrived with Larfleeze and finally gets her message across to him that she is going to be his wife. You'd think that a person telling Larfleeze that they belong to him would go over gangbusters because Larfleeze loves to own things. But instead, he's a bit ruffled by the declaration.

Cooties are just more things you can own, Larfleeze!

The issue ends with even G'nort needing to get his paws on Stargrave because the Sad Robots point out that the butler might know a way to stop Larfleeze. So I think I jumped the gun when I said everybody was after Stargrave at the beginning of the comic. NOW everybody is after Stargrave.

Why would that have mattered? Fuck high school! That place is full of assholes!

Larfleeze #10 Rating: -3 Ranking. When Larfleeze began as a back-up feature in Threshold, I mentioned that I wanted a full length comic book of Larfleeze almost immediately. But I also mentioned that was probably a bad idea because what was fun and whimsical for eight or less pages was probably not going to translate well to a full twenty page comic book. I think I was correct. Shit is not really going anywhere and it just keeps recycling the same jokes over and over. The characters are one dimensional. And the plot goes nowhere, as you can see from my declaration before the thing even begins that everybody wants Stargrave and then the comic book ends with the revelation that everyone wants Stargrave. Even G'nort can't save this comic book! Technically, G'nort can't save anything which is why the Guardians always used to send him on bullshit missions. So maybe that's why he was sent to "save" this comic book! Because it can't be saved!

Larfleeze #9

By Stargraves reaction, Larfleeze hasn't lost all of his junk.

Larfleeze is a space dog from the planet I forget the name of the planet. Okaara, I think! That's probably correct but I don't have an assistant to do research for me so I mostly just make up all of my facts. That's a fact! I once had an assistant. His name was Pickle Boy. Sometimes we called him Sprinkles. But he betrayed me one day and I had to give him his walking shoes. I said, "Here, Pickle Boy. Here are your walking shoes." And he said, "But I wasn't planning on doing any walking!" And I said, "I know! It is a hint that I am forcing you to do your walking now! Right out that door! Forever and ever!" I said that while looking away from Pickle Boy's face because I did not want him to see how much it hurt me to give him his walking shoes. He said, "Did you want coffee? Or an early lunch? I am confused!" I said, "Handing you your walking shoes is a metaphor! I am trying to let you down easy!" He probably made a face that I would have recognized as sudden comprehension if I had been looking at his face because he said, "Oh! Do you mean you're giving me my walking papers?!" I replied, "That is the smart mouth that has cost you your job! Now go and never darken my instep again!" Then I stood there for ten minutes before noticing he had left because I was looking the other way and he never took the folded up newspaper shoes I had made for him and I didn't have a bell on the door so he slipped out quietly.

When I am dying and thinking up my last words, I will say, "I have no regrets!" But that will be a lie because I regret not kissing Pickle Boy on the mouth before he walked out of my life. I also regret having to do so much of the tedious assistant work that he always used to take care of! Who knew he did so much for so little?! I'm surprised he waited until I gave him his walking shoes before looking for a different job!

So if you ever wondered why I said something was true but it was not true at all, it's Pickle Boy's fault. Unless it's my fault for being lazy and not caring about accuracy. Maybe it's 70% Pickle Boy's fault and 30% my fault. I hope that math is correct since Pickle Boy was the one who owned the calculator.

I should start over! Larfleeze is a space dog and he is in a fight with a space family that is exactly like the Waltons if they were from space and they loved to fuck each others mouths. I wish Pickle Boy were here to tell me how to properly apostrophate that previous sentence! He was also my grammar editor. He was also the person that brought ice cream to the office and I really want ice cream right now! That's why he was sometimes called Sprinkles!

This issue begins in the middle of a space battle.

Or space sex. I've never experienced either of those so it's hard to tell.

I hope you didn't misunderstand that previous statement and think I haven't had sex! You should improve your reading comprehension in that case and realize I've never had space sex. I've had the other kind of normal sex all over the place! And it was fantastic! Except the first time which was really disappointing because the girl was not very good and it hurt like it always does the first time. Unless it didn't hurt because I crashed on my bicycle that one time? You know how it all works! Why am I explaining it to you, right? Wink, wink!

Winking at another person means that you're in on the game with them. That means that if you've done it before and I winked at you, I've done it too! So when I wink at you, you have to believe I've totally done it lots of times already. I probably shouldn't be going on and on about this because Pickle Boy used to say, "Thou protests too much." But I've never protested anything ever so I don't know what he was talking about. If I had protested something, it would have been Pickle Boy working for me! I would have greeted him at the door with a sign that said, "If you are reading this sign and you are Pickle Boy, you should feel really bad because it is meant to be a scathing indictment of your personality. Unless the word I wanted was 'inditement' and not 'indictment.' Could you fact check that for me, Pickle Boy?" That's why I've never protested because it's a lot of effort to put glitter on that much writing.

During the space battle, Larfleeze learns that the name of the incestual father figure is Xum of All Things. One of Larfleeze's favorite things is all things! The Wanderer realizes that Xum just made a foie gras and tries to get him to take it back before Larfleeze kills them all to obtain all the things. Xum is just confused because if somebody really wanted him to take back what he just said, it should have been his sister-wife Errata.

Predictably (if you're a good Reader. And all Writers are good Readers even if they don't Read a lot because they're busy Writing. That's because they recognize where a story is headed due to their experience of Writing), Larfleeze decides he wants All Things and attacks Xum. If you've been paying close attention, you'll have realized that Larfleeze is really greedy and likes material possessions. That's called motivation! It's very subtle but if you pay close attention, you can pick up on things like that. If you weren't paying close attention, you might be confused right now and wonder, "Why did the space dog attack the guy that likes to bang his own family?" Luckily, if you are one of those people that find reading hard, Larfleeze explains his actions as he takes them. He says, "I want all the things that you were just talking about, Xum!" Don't worry if you're still kind of confused! I'm sure Larfleeze will mention how much he wants things a few more times before the end.

I'm still not sure if this is a space battle or space sex! What is coming out of his mouth?

As an all powerful family of space gods, they aren't very all powerful! They cannot even destroy one space dog with all of their combined powers!

I don't think you're a monkey, space dog!

I think a Green Lantern is supposed to make an appearance soon! One was summoned by the Planet of Sad Robots last issue. They mentioned a female Green Lantern but I can't think of one that would fit the tone of this comic book and Pickle Boy is busy making sandwiches at that deli I can't eat at any more because he broke my heart. Otherwise I'd ask him to do research on a funny female Green Lantern. I would expect G'nort to show up and maybe he will! The Sad Robots said a female Green Lantern gave them the Green Lantern Signal. They didn't say she would appear when they used it. I sure hope it's G'nort and that someday I can eat a Meatball Sub that isn't salty from my tears.

As Larfleeze continues to pummel Xum and scream about wanting stuff, I realize that Larfleeze probably isn't a space dog at all! He's a really ugly space cat! How do I do that search and replace thing Pickle Boy used to do whenever I continually called Clark Kent "Clark Kunt" throughout one of my brilliant essays? If I'd learned how to do that, I could just change all of the times I called Larfleeze a "space dog" to a "space cat"! But then this paragraph wouldn't make much sense so maybe it's a good thing I didn't learn anything at all from Pickle Boy. If only he'd learned something from me though! Like how to love!

If you haven't been purchasing this comic book, just imagine nine months of these two panels over and over again, just with different opponents.

Larfleeze either defeats the entire House of Tuath-Dan or exhausts them through his doing-it prowess.

I still can't tell!

After the Space Sex Battle is over, The Wanderer discovers she must marry Larfleeze. It's either because he bested her in combat or he got her pregnant, depending on, you remember, if it was Space Sex or Space Battling. Either way, The Wanderer's Brother, the Battle Master Guy that looks like he's on fire whose name I can't remember because my assistant is dead to me, points out to The Wanderer that her oath to marry the first guy that bests her (or does it to her. Remember! I can't tell!) was a joke played on her by their twisted father. A father who probably did it to them all continuously because incest isn't frowned upon from the dimension this family came from. It might even be expected. Knowing my luck, if I'd been born in that universe, I would have been an orphaned only child!

Larfleeze puts his space drill in Xum's head which causes him to remember that he forgot his butler. So now he has to go back and engage in another Space Sex Battle! At least this time, The Wanderer is willing. She's also willing to give Larfleeze his butler back as a wedding present. And once Larfleeze has his butler, he'll probably cancel the wedding! And then The Wanderer will want her present back! So one way or another, Space Sex Battling is going to happen. Again.

Why won't this comic book clear up my confusion?!

The surviving members of the House of Tuath Dan gather together to formulate a plan to kill Larfleeze the Space Cat. But the reader isn't privy to their machine nations, so don't ask me to know what they're planning on doing! I don't even know if I just read a bunch of sex scenes or battle scenes! At least I'm finally going to find out on the last page which Green Lantern is coming to help the Sad Robots.

Yay! Now that's a space dog!

Larfleeze #9 Rating: No change. This comic book has just gotten better with the appearance of G'nort because he only appeared for one page! I bet he gets really annoying and repetitive next issue really quickly! Really! This series is a bit bland but it has at least one or two moments every issue that I really enjoy. That seems to be enough to keep it from plummeting down the ranks! Like this issue, I liked the take on the Red Sonja Oath of Marriage Trope and I liked the shot of Larfleeze getting knocked across the room while pondering why everyone keeps calling him a monkey. Has he never seen a monkey? Because he's all furry and gangly just like a monkey! I bet his butt is really uncomfortable to look at as well!

Larfleeze #8

I hope Larfleeze kills these incestuous bastards and adds them to his Orange Lantern Corps.

This comic book is silly. Last issue was silly and this issue will probably be silly. Now that everybody remembers where we were, let's dig in!

Apparently more happened last issue that I'm not recalling because in the interim (I don't know what interim I'm talking about here. It doesn't really work unless I flesh it out more by saying "between issues" or "in the interim between issues more happened." But why should I fix what I've already typed? That's like admitting I was wrong which, according to my mother, I never am! At least she says I always have to be right which is mostly exactly like saying I'm never wrong. What a sweet, old racist woman. You know what? I think I should probably call her! Be right back. Oh! But first I should close these parentheses. I'm letting too many words in) Larfleeze has become an American.

I guess technically he always had this attitude. Never mind.

It really is unfair to the poor Americans that I keep calling them out whenever a character acts like a power hungry asshole or chooses violence over intellectual debate or grabs up as many resources as possible for himself. It's not like America has a monopoly on greed (although it would probably like to! Monopolies are its favorite!). Selfish people exist all over the world! It's just that some economic systems are easier to exploit than others. In less capitalist and democratic places, you simply have far less people like Larfleeze because they manage to keep all of the other people from ever attaining this kind of indulgent lifestyle by harsh laws and violence. But in America, you have quite a few more because democracy allows for laws to be made by rich people to help rich people stay rich and keep poor people from being not poor. But those poor people still have a better chance in a capitalist democracy to become one of the wealthy people through other means! Although those means are generally cheating, lying, stealing, and treating other people like complete shit! Stupid people like to think that a free market with little government interference encourages innovation and invention. But what it really encourages is cheating, scheming, conniving, and an all around abundance of illegal and bad behaviour.

Look, that's just the way things are. If you want proof, just remember how every game of Monopoly you ever played as a kid went down. It was fucking brutal. I highly doubt any game without government interference (that was your parents back then) ever played out without somebody stealing from the bank. That's America in a nutshell. A bunch of fucking kids playing Monopoly while the parents get drunk in the kitchen refusing to raise anybody's allowance.

Am I repeating myself? Probably.

Larfleeze has now become king of Sad Robot World! Although the robots aren't sad like they used to be. Before they were suicidally depressed because of an imbalance in their cerebral gears. Now they're just sad because they're oppressed and poor. Hopefully one of these robots is an assassin droid so he can free his people.

I'm just scanning these panels to show that the comic book is backing up what I just said. I wouldn't want to be accused of making shit up.

Come on, Robots! Rise up and overthrow Larfleeze! You couldn't do that when Dyrge was ruling because she kept you all too sad to take your medication or get out of bed or not throw yourself out of a window. But now he's taking all of your shit! You don't have to stand for that. Freedom or Non-functional Status! Give me liberty or shut me down! Down with a base ten system! Up with binary! All robots stand on your original manufacturer's feet and/or wheels and/or tracks! Overthrow this horrible, greedy dog person!

Actually, do whatever you want. You're just robots. You might as well be coffee tables in my eyes. Soulless monsters.

Larfleeze eventually remembers he was out looking for his butler, so he leaves the planet. But the robots fear he'll come back. Actually they've been programmed to calculate the probability of his return. This possibility causes the Revolution Subroutine to kick in and the first variable the subroutine checks of is "Have you contacted the local Green Lantern yet? 0/1?" When the program returns the answer "0", the robots rush off to fire up the Green Lantern Signal.

See? Just like I said earlier! "Suicidally depressed." It's like I'm psychic! Or maybe have decent reading comprehension! Those are practically the same thing to your average citizen.

Meanwhile Stargraves the Butler meets The Wanderer's sister, Ardora. She's super sexy because she has no nose. Possibly it's because she emits Cosmic Pheromones which make the whiffer of said pheromones mad with lust. He even says the same ridiculous thing that a mind-altered Jimmy Olsen once said when he met Wonder Woman: "Bear my children." I don't get this request. Even if I was suddenly, mystically, totally infatuated with a person, I would never ask them to breed with me! What does the production of children have to do with getting it on? It seems a bit inappropriate to be thinking of children when one is filled with a carnal need. Inappropriate? It sounds downright illegal! And probably rude.

Ardora doesn't hang around with her family though. She flies off to make a pass at Larfleeze as the House of Tuath-Dan conducts their meeting on what to do about Larfleeze. I don't think sending Ardora to fuck him was on the possible solution list but what can you do?

No seriously. What can you do? Juggle? Modern dance? Herd cats? I'm curious. It's odd, our relationship. You've learned so much about me and I know next to nothing about you? Why don't you start from the beginning. For most people, that would be halfway through college. Just type up as much information as you can and send it to my email address. I'm sure you have it somewhere.

The meeting doesn't really get anybody anywhere and, in the end, it doesn't really matter. Ardora brings Larfleeze to the meeting so that they can deal with the problem once and for all.

Okay Green Lantern Fans! Who is the strangest, most whimsical female Green Lantern in their long history? Because that's the one that's going to appear next month. Unless the Green Lantern that left the signal on Sad Robot World has died. Which means G'nort can make another appearance!

Larfleeze #8 Rating: No change. I wish instead of "Larfleeze" on the cover, it would read "Ambush Bug."

Larfleeze #7

Here we see Larfleeze in the grips of puberty, rocked to the core by confusion, longing, and severe bouts of acne.

I have decided to become a better person. Only optimistic, happy-go-lucky thoughts will be acknowledged by the part of my brain that acknowledges the other part of my brain that comes up with a constant stream of utter bullshit. I am going to ignore the things I dislike about every comic book and only discuss the things I love about the comic book. All of the comic books will get a positive ranking and they'll all get the same ranking as every other comic. Otherwise it might be seen as being mean to a comic book if I ranked it less than another comic book. It is time to be kind because that's the way of the world now. Better to be kind than to criticize incompetent people in the hopes that they'll take the information and learn from it. Better to do nothing than to create something that might offend some people. Better to hug than to shrug!

The proper way to be a good person is to only say things that everybody can understand, only create things that everybody can use, and only live by ideals that everybody else also lives by. I already feel like a failure because I'm being a severe linguist. You might think that means a person skilled in foreign languages. It doesn't. What it means is a person that uses language to demean and exclude others. It hurts my heart to think about all of the people that don't understand English and how I'm flagrantly expressing my opinions in their face even though they can't understand it. I'm also being elitist and possibly ableist because I'm assuming people know how to read or have the capability of vision! Dammit! I already feel like this kindness thing is being derailed by my laziness to learn all languages and to provide this commentary in visual and audible and tactile means!

Fuck it. It's hopeless. Now I'm depressed. Except I'm probably not as depressed as really depressed people so now I'm exploiting the idea of depression when I'm really just in a slight funk! Oh shit! Using the word "funk" is probably offensive to people with body odor problems! Oh crap! And I keep swearing! What about the children of non-sailors?! They shouldn't have to be exposed to words like that! Unless it's wrong to keep knowledge from people. Who am I to hoard knowledge?!

Bah! I'm just going to go lie in the corner on the floor and not make use of any of my body parts or internal organs because how is that fair for people who don't have all the same parts as me? Can you offend dead people? Oh man, I hope nobody is concerned with me offending dead people! I guess I should return all those corpses to the cemetery before somebody decides I'm being rude to them.

I'm just going to read my stupid comic book. I'm such a failure as a humanist. Gah! That's a speciesist term!

The beginning of this issue feels familiar for some reason.

I would explain precisely what I mean by that last caption but I don't want anybody to assume that I think they're stupid and didn't understand. But then if I don't make myself clear, I'm failing the people that don't want to work at understanding complex pieces of literature that I often supply. Fuck it. This is too hard. I'm just going to do normal reviews from now on.

If you like characters bickering, you will really love this comic book a whole lot. It is full of squabbling. God-like beings squabble with other god-like beings. Butlers squabble with giant dogs. Selfish aliens squabble with talking jewelry. It is a bonanza of bickering! It will make your sexual parts quiver with heady longing if you find inconsequential chatter arousing. If those are the things that describe you and the things you enjoy, I recommend this book very much! 10 out of 10!

If you don't like those things, don't bother buying this comic book. Even if you like space travel and aliens and exotic locales, you will be annoyed by the characters arguing over semantics and sparring over material possessions. The main character of this book is supposed to be the most selfish character in the DC Universe but I'd be hard pressed to say the other characters are any more selfless.

See what I mean? Inconsequential pablum.

And the art! Get me started on the art! It's like a child got into his mother's Valium drawer and got hold of her crayons (because she always kept them in the Valium drawer) and began scribbling like a dolphin having a seizure after somebody taped crayons to its body and left it on a giant pad of paper. I might call the art professional if I wanted to completely abuse the meaning of the word. It's as if a large machine that usually sails smoothly across the landscape has completely wrecked, strewing bad art all over the everything.

Unless, of course, you're into this kind of cartoony, over-exaggerated, intensely colorful work! If you are then you must be one of those perverts who pull over to the side of the road to examine every mutilated corpse that was thrown from the wrecked machine and is now lying amongst the bad artwork. You're a vile and disgusting human being and you probably enjoy having sex while snuff .gifs are projected onto the ceiling of your dirty sex room. While I admit that I'm partially partial to this artwork, I will deny vehemently that I entertain the possibility of one day orgasming under a projected image of a woman getting hit by a train. How dare you even suggest that.

I liked this part because it was about incest. Remember what The Buddha said: "Incest is best put your sister to the test."

Perhaps art and plot are the least of your worries when reading a comic book. Perhaps what really blows your goat are characters! Lots and lots of different types of characters! And by different, I mean they are easily distinguished by their looks and the colors with which they've been drawn. Do you like big fiery red guys? This comic book has one! How about a canine orange guy? Yep! Main character! What about a whinging little bald green guy! Tick that box because he's included! What about a blue alien with long sparking hair (yes, I meant "sparking")? Beautifully rendered on at least four pages! Perhaps what you really desire is wrinkly old rotting green women? Oh, did you think you'd be missing out on that bold archetype? No, no! I assure you: included within! What about (Oh man. You really won't believe this one was included but I assure you it is!) a teal tornado woman?! HOLY FUCK! For only $2.99, you will find her too!

If you want characters with a little more depth, you'll probably want to skip this comic book. Besides their looks, they have one distinguishing attribute and act continually upon that attribute. Selfishness. Whiny. Vacuous. Depressed. Angry. Chaotic. They all get one! But only one! You don't want characters that are too complex! This is a comic book which means it's obviously meant for children and people who like to look stupid in public places. If you want to look smart when reading in public, might I suggest a copy of Moby Dick? But only read it in public if you've already familiarized yourself with the Cliff Notes because people will try to engage you in conversation about the novel because they want to look smart too!

This is a representation of Larfleeze's mind. Just imagine every other character in the book has one different colored word like this in their heads as well.

Anyway, should I discuss what little of the plot there is in this issue? Lafleeze pisses off every member of the House of Tuath-Dan. Now they're going to have a family meeting to figure out how to kill him. Hmm. That's it!

Larfleeze #7 Rating: No change. I'm fairly certain Giffen and DeMatteis sat down over doughnuts and heroin and decided that they should make a comic book about nothing. And then they did. I think I'm getting the hang of writing reviews! Now if only smart people would read this! Hey stupid people currently reading this! Reblog it so your smart friends can see it! Thanks!

Larfleeze #6

The Orange Lantern symbol looks like a cute, fat, angry stick figure.

Since a new god named Errata is going to be introduced soon, I have a feeling that everything we've learned so far might wind up being wrong. Her power is probably to footnote any statement to explain how things really happened and how the speaker has gotten it wrong. I wonder if every sentence out of Errata's mouth will begin with "actually"?

The Orange Lanterns continue to argue about what to do with Larfleeze. Without Larfleeze to tell them what to do, they're useless! I mean, they're fun to look at but don't ask them what toppings they want on the pizza you're ordering. Once again, the issue begins with the Orange Lanterns making sure to call each other by name so that the reader remembers them for the next ten minutes while the reader finishes the comic book. I have a feeling no matter how many times I read "Sound Dancer," I'm still going to refer to her as "No-face Korean Ghost Monster."

Larfleeze haz revelations.

How do actual comic book reviewers review comic books without vomiting all over themselves? I really want to know because I'm tired of doing laundry! How does Melissa Grey over at IGN write "Though details are sparse, the mood evoked by the segment's visuals paints a vivid picture" without holding her empty Starbucks Iced Tea cup firmly on the desk and smashing her head down into the straw to give herself a quick lobotomy? She ends her review with "The intrigue of the book's first few pages loses steam, and one can't help but wonder how the present day's events will circle back to reclaim it." I remember writing things like this at 4:36 A.M. on the day a paper was due and then keeping the line preserved in a notebook entitled "Perfect Ways to End Papers." I should search for more examples of reviewers writing things that I can't write so that it doesn't look like I'm singling out Melissa but I'm a lazy asshole. It's probably a compliment that I chose Melissa's review! Not a compliment from me, of course! A compliment from Lord Google that he listed her review first when I looked up "Batwoman Reviews."

Being a comic book reviewer has got to be a tough job. It would drive me crazy to have to think up new and entertaining ways to talk about how the art brings the book to life or made my eyes bleed or caused me to remember that week I spent crying, locked up in my room because my cat had been hit by a car. At least Melissa is making a review as interesting as she can. I'd probably just submit, "How high does the numerical rating system go? 10? Then this was like a 6.2 or something. There was punching."

No, seriously! I wasn't having a go at Melissa! I was trying to point out something lacking in myself! I just can't write actual reviews of things. I can type out the thoughts I have as I read a comic book. But that's not even close to giving somebody else a brief synopsis of the quality of the comic book without spoiling the fuck out of it. Maybe I should just apologize.

I'm sorry, Melissa. To make it up to you, I'll purchase your book, The Girl at Midnight, when it's available. And I promise not to review it because I'm a dick and an asshole and that probably wouldn't go very well, no matter how truly amazing the book is.

I don't even know why I bother to try to explain myself when the internet just wants to believe what it wants to believe no matter how much I try to over-explain myself! Usually I just don't try to explain myself because however somebody interprets something you say, that's what they're going to believe you said no matter how many times you tell them they got it wrong and that they're fucking idiots.

Okay. Back to selfishness! A topic I'm having a bit of trouble understanding but at least the art in this comic book evokes a magic night on mushrooms playing with the fairy people only to wake up in a wet field the next day covered in smashed and stinking fairy people. Also, fairy people are actually cow manure.

Oh! I get it now! This review stuff is easy!

Like Ahab suddenly realizing the giant fish is made of sterner stuff than his glorious ship, Larfleeze lost his power to his underlings when they took his ring and made him a slave! But even more like a reviewer that never actually finished reading Moby Dick but likes to pretend that he has read it and understood every aspect of it completely, Larfleeze regains his power and strikes down all those that would point out he's gotten the entirety of the theme wrong. STRIKES THEM DOWN DEAD! DEAD! DEAD!

Pulsar Stargrave and The Wanderer visit The Council of Ten's Space Headquarters.

Only nine of the Council can be seen in the above panel so maybe the tenth one will silently rise up behind Pulsar and The Wanderer. And Pulsar will say, "Really? That's your enemy? Those big fat moldy old disgusting sarcophagus people?" And The Wanderer will grimace and flick her eyes back behind them. And Pulsar will say, "Are we really doing this cliche say something bad about someone who happens to be standing right behind me scene?"

Pulsar learns that there are only nine members in the Council of Ten, so I guess I was wrong about the stupid talking about somebody standing behind you scene. Which is good because how many times are we, as an audience, going to have to suffer through that fucking shit? I think the Writer's Guild should make a law that that joke can only be used in shows meant for children under twelve. Because they're the only ones who haven't seen it dozens of times already.

The Wanderer wants to infiltrate the Council of Ten which probably means climbing inside one of them. But since The Council of Ten is still looking for a tenth member, I'm hoping they choose Larfleeze. Or Cheeks the Toy Wonder. Who, I have to state angrily, can not be created in Scribblenauts Unmasked.

I guess that will work as well. Well, not as well since my plan is obviously the most superior plan. But their plan will do. I suppose.

Back to Larfleeze, I guess his gigantic orange explosion that decimated the planet didn't kill any of the previously dead ex-Orange Lanterns after he stole their rings and their was no way they could protect themselves. I think the cartoony art is supposed to prepare the reader for Looney Tunes type situations like this! Also it's a comic book and not reality which I keep forgetting. Anyway, Larfleeze has an ultimatum for his ex-Orange Lanterns. Or possibly a penultimatum.

What does Larfleeze care which they choose? Once he kills them, he'll have them as an orange construct again! Way to take a stupid stand, Clypta!

Larfleeze doesn't kill them and he doesn't make slaves of them. He just ditches them on their dead planet and heads off to find his butler. Even though it seems hopeless that the ex-Orange Lanterns will find rescue in an infinite universe, I have a feeling some kind of cosmic coincidence will happen their way and pick them up in his space taxi.

Larfleeze #6 Rating: -1 Ranking. I've been hoping for a more whimsical, humorous book to hit The New 52 on a regular basis but this just hasn't been it. Not at all. I like the look of the book but I'm not finding it very funny. It sometimes feels like it's getting more interesting by evoking visual mood evocations, but then it loses steam and leaves one wondering how events will chug back around to pick up the interest that it forgot to take with it. CHOOOOO! CHOOOOO!

Larfleeze #5

Initially, my favorite Orange Lantern was Pharaoh Nanotoknonnen. But I'm really becoming partial to Noface Korean Ghost Monster.

This is a terrific cover because it tells you everything you need to know about last issue. Also it's painted quite nicely. I suppose you might also want to remember Dyrge, the Emo God from the other universe full of incestuous gods. I know when I say it like that, it makes it sound like a mirror universe to ours. But that one was destroyed by these gods so they had to come over to the New 52 and pee all over this party too. Not that this party has been going so well. If only DC had concentrated as much on "character building" as they did on "world building" when they began this thing, it might be more interesting as a whole. As it is, I don't really find the majority of titles compelling. Maybe that's just what happens when you force yourself to publish fifty two different titles each month. It definitely means you need a lot of writers, so you wind up having job openings for people like Scott Lobdell and Ann Nocenti. I hope nobody misquotes me and says, "Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea was heard to say, '...people like Scott Lobdell and Ann Nocenti.'"

Speaking of liking Scott Lobdell, you should head over to his Facebook Fanpage and help him get to 1000 Likes! I just checked and he's at 980! Come on! His Teen Titans sells tens of thousands of copies a month! How can he not have 1000 Likes yet! Get with it, people! He's an important Writer! Give him some credit! And tell him Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea sent you!

Currently, Larfleeze has had his ring taken away and he's chained in a cage listening to his ex-Orange Lanterns plan how they're going to go about torturing him. During the conversation, everybody's name is used so the reader can catch up on who's who. But I'll just forget that the Twi'lek is named Clypta and Glomulus is named Glomulus and the Space Tapeworm is named Nat Nat and Pharaoh Nanotoknonnen is named Warp Wrap and Noface Korean Ghost Monster is named Sound Dancer and the "minotaur" (that's a cross between a minotaur and a centaur!) is named Ceebiss and the Neckbearded Elephantopus is named Tammal Tayn.

I bet the first place he builds is a gaming shop with lots of tables and coolers full of soda where he can hang out with a handful of people obnoxious enough to drive out new people who walk in thinking, "I'd love to start gaming in a place like this while meeting new people! But, umm, hmm...not those people." Because nothing says "Good time!" like arguing over a game of Magic the Gathering about the perfect character build to eke out every possible advantage in a game of Dungeons and Dragons that is never going to be played because nobody at the table actually likes role-playing with each other. Also, the new rules suck. And so do the old rules. Seriously, who wants to sit around playing games with four or five other Devil's Advocates who "actually" everything said by everyone ever?

Meanwhile on the World of Suicidal Edwardian Robots, Pulsar Stargrave learns that something called The Council of Ten threatens his new master, The Wanderer, and her sister/brother/uncle/aunt/mother/fathers. I guess making the mystery antagonist a number opens up future story possibilities, especially The Thirteen Ghosts of Scooby Doo plot device. So you have Lobdell's "Thirteen" which has probably been long forgotten by everybody who doesn't hold Lobdell accountable for every plot thread he starts, and you have Lobdell's "Twenty" which he mentioned and then actually did something with so he might still deal with "The Thirteen" unless I've got that number wrong since it's been so long since the Star Wars episodes of Red Hood and the Outlaws. And now you have the Council of Ten because I couldn't think of any more examples. But I'm sure there are more!

The House of Tuath-Dan is like an incestuous version of The Endless. I just like typing "incestuous."

So far I really like Dyrge but I think my favorite will wind up being Errata.

Back on The New Home Planet of the Orange Lanterns, Larfleeze learns from a hallucination his real history that he's forgotten because he's been lying to himself and everyone around him for billions of years. The real history does not make him look good. But it does explain why he was chosen to be the one and only Orange Lantern.

You say selfish, I say survivor.

Larfleeze falls apart after learning the truth of his actions. He still wants to believe that he's a hero and that everything he does is for the benefit of others. Why shouldn't he own everything? Everybody loves him and they want him to be happy and successful! His selfishness creates a bubble of self-confidence that keeps him from questioning anything he does. His greatest delusion is that other people see him the same way that he sees himself.

Larfleeze #5 Rating: No change. Why is the world so cold? No, not metaphorically cold! I'm fucking freezing my ass off and I'm sheltered within a slightly more than ramshackle house! Why are there so many drafts? Can't somebody laminate this place to keep the wind from getting in? How am I supposed to concentrate on reading comics when it feels like ghouls keep caressing various body parts? And why does the cat behind me keep screaming at me, setting off the cat in my lap to return the yell?! And to top it all off, I've had a foreign object in my eye since last night! How do you get that shit out of there?! Stupid eyeballs! If only there were an internal, biological mechanism to wash stuff out of your eyes.

Larfleeze #4

Meet the Orange Lantern Corps! Pharaoh Nanotoknonnen! Senor Bonespur Sideburns! Glomulus! Giant Space Tapeworm! Noface Korean Ghost Monster!

Last issue Larfleeze's Orange Lantern Corps became real boys. But there were strings attached to their renewed physical manifestations: they must kill Larfleeze. Hopefully they'll try for a few pages and then everybody will settle down and work out a contract to keep the gang together.

See? They're already negotiating terms!

Larfleeze blames his trouble on The Wanderer because she's a woman and women are troublemakers. At least, that's what you think at the beginning of the song and then you slowly realize, after you've cut your foot on a pop top, that you're actually to blame for your own troubles. So you gorge on lobster and margaritas and get a new tattoo of a salt shaker and learn to live on the beach as a gigantic failure. Maybe later you'll get a job as a merchant marine and sail around dreaming of eating a cheeseburger. But first you have to work out your issues with women. Which somehow explains why Larfleeze needs to hunt down The Wanderer. Oh, also she's stolen his butler, so he probably wants that back. You all know Larfleeze's philosophy about possessions, right? "Mine, mine, mine!" is how it goes. I might be misquoting him.

Pulsar and The Wanderer visit the Village of Sad Victorian Robots. Unless they're Edwardian Robots. Possibly Robespierrian?

The reason the robots are so sad isn't because they've stolen the children and their shiny toy guns. They're sad because The Wanderer's sister Dyrge moved in next door. I don't want to jump to any conclusions but isn't that a little racist of the robots? Are they worried about their property values because an emo God of Emo shuffled into town, slump shouldered and mumbling about the futility of life, and bought the house next door? I get it. She's covered her house in barbed wire and depression. It doesn't scream "Great Neighborhood to Move Your Robot Kids Into!" anymore. But it's just one house! And even though I'm not a fan of Homeowner's Associations, I imagine the robots could have been a little more proactive to prevent their neighborhood from being overrun by pouting demigods. Come on, Robots! Climb out of your Victorian Era mindset and get into the future! Embrace diversity and change! Put away your steam powered tears and buck the fuck up! Look at it as a new adventure with a new friend and not as an invasion of The Other bound to turn your robot kids into sexual deviants and lower the property values of your robot houses with the constant, God-Awful loud crying, weeping, and moaning that never ceases.

Did I miss the issues where Pulsar displayed these qualities? So far in all of my Larfleeze comics, he's only managed constant pouting and whiny backtalk!

And then The Wanderer introduces Pulsar to Dyrge.

After seeing the pile of robot bodies in Dyrge's parlour, I kind of see the robot's side of things now. But you know, serial killers have to live somewhere.

Back to the fight between Larfleeze and the Orange Lanterns, the Orange Lanterns defeat Larfleeze. But then, because they're all selfish bastards under the influence of the Light of Avarice, they argue amongst themselves about who gets to deal the killing blow. But that's when they realize Larfleeze has become the Orange Light's Power Source and if they kill him, they'll lose their powers too. I don't know how they recharge the rings though. I mean, I think I do and I think I finally understand goat.se! He's just trying to recharge his ring!

So the newly free Orange Lantern Corps bind up Larfleeze and fly away to live lives of their own choosing without Larfleeze's influence. Which means they all choose to live a life where they torture Larfleeze incessantly. Good choice, morons! You're still allowing him to have power over you!

Larfleeze #4 Rating: +2 Ranking. I haven't really liked this comic. Possibly because I allowed my hopes to get too high before being supremely disappointed by its lackluster and trite comedy. But this issue has things moving and I think I'm going to like Dyrge and her crying robot town. I already like those things so I think I'll like them more later! That's how liking things is supposed to work! That's good advice from me and you should remember it next time you're in a relationship and you find yourself liking your partner a little less every day because that's not how like works. So don't listen to the people that say relationships take work! Listen to me saying like is supposed to grow and not diminish! If it's diminishing, stop wasting your time! You obviously don't like that person! That advice also works for comic books!

Larfleeze #3

Can Giffen and DeMatteis refrain from quoting a song released in 1961? I highly doubt it.

Before I begin writing Larfleeze, I want to post my Missed Connection Ad:

You: Drunk frat guy in blue shirt trying to fist bump me and mumbling incoherently.
Me: Unkempt adult male that only high fives people under the age of four who waved you off and made a face which most semi-intelligent people would recognize as "Get the fuck away from me, you clownish twat."
You: The same guy standing in front of the pizzeria who pointed at me as I came back from the store and mumbled something about our previous encounter and then acted indignant when I wouldn't even say hello.
Me: Annoyed male that can't believe you feel butthurt that I'm not participating in your life and who now truly suspects that you're probably one of those guys who can't understand why women are such assholes to you, at least, and possibly a rapist, at worst. I hope we continue to miss each other for the rest of our lives. But I thought you could use some advice anyway: not everybody should be expected to participate in your life story. You will be left hanging at times. People will not enjoy talking to you. People may often not feel obligated to engage in your desperate need for conversation. Learn to move on without feeling it's a personal slight against your family honor. And, seriously? Stop trying to fist bump strangers, you asshole.

Okay. Now I can read Larfleeze!

Infighting? More like inbreeding! Also, I appreciate the usage of the "savage breast" quote. Because I'm one of those assholes that always needs to point out when somebody incorrectly quotes the line as "to soothe the savage beast." God, I hate people like me.

Speaking of hating people like me, here's a quick test to find out if your child is going to be an "actually" troll on the internet so you can nip that shit in the bud! Stay up past midnight some Friday night playing a board game. Wait until it's about twenty or thirty minutes past midnight and then ask them the time. Your kid probably has a cell phone, right? When they answer, respond with, "That late? Man, I love Fridays." If you're child pulls the "actually, it's Saturday!" routine, slap them in the mouth and send them to bed. Stop being such a spoiled literal douchebag! An easier test is to ask one to make you a sandwich and if they say, "Poof! You're a sandwich!", send them to their room forever.

The Wanderer tells how she and her brothers came to the Earth Prime Universe of The New 52. There's some torture and more interruptions by Butler Stargrave. But eventually, Wanderer gets to the reason why she's helped keep Stargrave alive: she purchased him many years ago before Larfleeze kidnapped him and now would like to know if he'd like to butler her.

Well, that will keep anybody from thinking that "butler" is just an immature euphemism.

The Wanderer also gives Stargrave the option of switching his male genitalia for female genitalia. Now while I believe that's a superior option to being castrated, I'm not sure how it better solves the problem of his male urges. He's still going to be attracted to females and enjoy giving The Wanderer baths. If I were Stargrave, I might even take her up on the option since she has some thing called an Omnachine which is capable of doing pretty much anything she needs. It's the Swiss Army Knife of her dimension. I wouldn't mind taking out my own female genitals for a few trial runs! Except I'd probably kill myself by accidentally knocking my head on the kitchen counter at the first sight of any blood in my nether regions. I'm simply assuming that the Omnachine Technology does a complete transformation to fully functional male to fully functional female, biologically speaking.

Oh no wait I'm out fuck that!

Her Omnachine really is the technological equivalent of a Swiss Army Knife! Pulsar Stargrave decides he'd rather keep his penis and his job with Larfleeze. I have a feeling Pulsar now understands why Larfleeze screams "MINE MINE MINE!" so emphatically.

Before Larfleeze completely comes around and begins destroying shit, Herb the Board Certified Lackey mentions somebody named "Dyrge" who, I imagine, is another member of the House of Tuath-Dan.

Once Larfleeze is conscious, quite a few pages are spent on The Wanderer and The Laord of the Hunt and Larfleeze battling over ownership of Pulsar Stargrave. There is a lot of "I'll kill you!" and "No, I'll kill you!" and "Nuh-uh!" and "Unh-huh!" It's all very less funny than I was hoping.

Although I still like every reference made to inbreeding. Man, why is incest so funny? I wonder if I was wired wrong and I'm actually supposed to think insects are funny?

Hee hee. Incest and Poop Jokes!

I think I know why this comic isn't working as well as the back-up stories in Threshold. Larfleeze needs more straight men in his life! No, not heterosexuals! Comedy partners. Right now he just has Pulsar whose a one note character like Larfleeze. And he's simply confronting other people as single-minded as he is, so there's a lot of bickering with no real substance. The back-up issues had a whole gang of people with the Star Rovers all with various personalities and kinks. Sure, many of them were also one-note characters but there were enough of them to keep the banter fresh. So Larfleeze needs to join a group of some kind. It's a lot like Lobo. When he's off on his own battling shit, it's a lot of Fraggin' Bastich this and Fraggin' Bastich that. But you put a bit of a leash on him and hook him up with LEGION, and you've got more beats to play to the character.

So far in this comic, Giffen and DeMatteis are building a bunch of various characters but they're still just obstacles to Larfleeze, like Herb and Lou the Guard Dog. Larfleeze needs some structure and limits! Hopefully Giffen and DeMatteis have Larfleeze interact with more old school DC Space Characters after this initial story run is over. I wouldn't mind seeing Larfleeze hang out with Space Cabbie for a bit.

After The Wanderer returns to kill Lou the Guard Dog, Larfleeze decides to summon forth the Orange Lantern Corps to battle The Wanderer while he gathers up the loot. But The Wanderer has this power she calls the Starsoul and it has the ability to transform energy into matter and whatnot. So she returns the Orange Constructs to their living forms and takes off with Stargrave.

This is an unexpected turn that I greatly appreciate! And may have saved this comic book from losing ranks! I sure hope they agree to continue to work for Larfleeze like this instead of just being another bunch of antagonists!

At least for next issue, they're all going to have to fight. But I'm sure Larfleeze will have some ability to keep them in line since they're all still wearing Orange Rings and he's kind of like the Master Battery and One Ring and all that shit. Fuck, I hope they remain a Corps like this and actually work as the team I was hoping for! The mummy is my favorite!

Larfleeze #3 Rating: No change. But that's just barely a no change! The beginning of this issue was a lot more of the same old same old for this thing: character tells a story while the Butler constantly interrupts. But then the Orange Corps got their lives back and I'm suddenly excited for the future of this comic book again! I'm only sorry it didn't happen sooner. Like five or six issues ago.