Killer Frost Rebirth #1

I hope this is just twenty pages of Killer Frost shaving the side of her head.

This issue is a test to see that Killer Frost can keep her need to kill in check otherwise Batman will have no use for her. It seems odd that Batman and Amanda Waller's entire concern is that Killer Frost doesn't feed on anybody when they know she needs to absorb other people's life force to stay alive. They simply expect her to suffer. At the end of the issue, we see that she's been coping by absorbing small amounts of energy from everybody she comes into contact with instead of completely draining and killing a person every few days. But, again, nobody discusses this with her. I'm not sure if the ending of this issue is supposed to be a revelation that she hasn't quite lost the killer inside of her or that she's just doing what she needs to do in a responsible way. I have to assume that, since she's being sneaky about it, we're supposed to think she hasn't changed as much as she's saying she has. But wouldn't it be better for Batman, who is supposedly the smartest guy ever or something, to discuss the issue with Killer Frost? This issue shouldn't be twenty pages of making sure Killer Frost doesn't take a life even when she's about to die. This issue should be twenty pages of Batman sitting down with Killer Frost and discussing a plan for managing her need to absorb heat. It's not like Batman is recruiting other members for the team and telling one that the can't eat and another that they can't breathe and another that they can never shit. He needs to take fucking responsibility and work out a plan to manage Killer Frost's physical needs! If I were Batman, I'd try to set her up with Lobo. They'd make a nice couple. Lobo would probably love being completely drained while fucking and Killer Frost wouldn't have to worry about killing him either.

What Did I Learn?
I mentioned in a previous Justice League vs. Suicide Squad that Batman was making a great new Outsiders team. But I also only brought that up when Deadshot was one of the pretend members. That's a team I'd like to see. But I also see why it would be wrong to call this team Outsiders and why, symbolically, Orlando needs to call it the Justice League of America. Calling a team with a gay guy, an Asian immigrant, a young black female model, a white female pop star, and Lobo (who represents the MRA or something, I guess) The Outsiders is sending the message that these character types are on the fringes of America instead of that these are examples of the make-up of America. And Batman fills it out by being the rich bastard controlling everybody. See? Perfect metaphor for America!

The Ranking!
Can we just get to JLA Rebirth already?!

A.R.G.U.S. #5

I really thought the goal of this comic book was to have Steve Trevor help the Justice League escape from Firestorm's Slash Fiction Matrix. But isn't Stargirl going to accomplish that over in Fucking Kittens Nasty Justice League of America? I don't know. Maybe they'll all team up or something. Maybe The Green will be explained. Maybe Steve Trevor will owe his first born child to the Three Witches of the Mirror. Maybe a lot of things might happen that I haven't given much thought. And since my daily ramble tank is dry, I'd better just read this stupid comic book.

Sorry, Mr. Sterling Gates! I didn't mean it's stupid in the sense that it sucks. I meant it's stupid in the sense that it's sitting here at the top of my comic book stack demanding it gets read when I have video games to play and salsa to dip chips into and eat. You know what I mean? More intellectual and demanding tasks await my attention.

Currently Steve Trevor is hunting Cheetah because he realized (with the help of a telekinetic and a barn owl) that he needs Cheetah's Lasso of Truth to save the Justice League. Don't worry about the logistics of the plan! It's a comic book! Just assume it's going to work! But it won't work smoothly! We're going to have to plow our way through a fight scene where the hero nearly loses but rises in the end to save the day! So just hang on! We'll be through this in just a moment.

Liar! The Fury of Firestorm: The Nuclear Men was full of Firestorms! If you can't make a new one, I'm sure you can find Pozhar's number on the internet.

Martin Stein goes on to say how Killer Frost probably specifically needs Jason and Ronnie's specific Firestorm Matrix Power but if I'd scanned that part, I couldn't have called him a liar. I could have but it wouldn't have stood up in court with that evidence. So instead I manipulated that evidence to make Stein look like a dick! Which he is anyway. So I feel justified.

Steve Trevor and Killer Frost head into Central Park in New York to track down Cheetah. Apparently all the super villains escaped from the Central Park Zoo because they seem to all be animal themed. At least the one they're hunting and the first one to attack them: Weasel! Ha ha. Weasel. What a jerk. He was last seen getting his ass kicked by Damian in a Batman and Robin Annual. I think. Let me check my archives!

La la la. *thumb through dusty pages* *scratch junk* *taste fingers* La la la.

"Aha! Here it is! Sort of. Whatever. I was right."

So The Weasel is lucky to be alive having faced off against Damian while Batman was on vacation. Not a lot of criminals can say they walked away from that encounter. But The Weasel, being one of Firestorm's enemies, must be used to getting his ass handed to him. Seriously. How was this guy even close to being a match for Firestorm? It's just silly!

Steve Trevor makes a "Weasel Stomping Day" joke which is a pretty nerdy reference for Steve. Does he listen to Weird Al or did he just come up with this one liner thinking it sounded funny? I once saw Weird Al in concert at the Oregon State Fair. Let's face it: the guy is a genius. If you disagree, you probably have a stick lodged inside you somewhere. Don't worry. It's not fatal in and of itself. As long as you keep to yourself and don't bother people with quick tempers, you should be okay living your boring life of cultural snobbery.

Really though? What are the chances you're reading a comic book blog and you don't own at least one of Weird Al's records? One of the first records I ever purchased with my own money was Weird Al in 3-D. Big surprise, right?

Of course he's a joke! He's not a man with a super power that commits illegal acts! He's a victim of some catastrophic event that took away his humanity and does despicable things in the hope somebody kills him and puts him out of his misery!

Killer Frost does not choose to kill Weasel because she suddenly has a problem with Steve Trevor's ethics when he doesn't try to stop her. I suppose it's one thing to hang out with a hero when you think he'll always do the heroic thing and you can get one over on him when you get what you want. But to realize that hero might be planning to do the same to you when he's got what he needs? That's a bit unsettling. They argue long enough to attract the attention of Cheetah and The New Zoo Revue.

It's all happening at the zoo! "It" being mostly murder and feeding frenzies.

Killer Frost and Steve Trevor last about three seconds against these guys. I recognize Lion-Mane from Batwing but not the others. I think, from left to right, they are Chupacabra, Zebra Nation, Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hekyl (the dogs), Of Mice and Merrick, Cheetah, Lion-Mane, and I Need An Upgrade To First Class, Bitch! Do You Know Who I Am? Ape.

Meanwhile in a secret place, The Crimson Men, an ancient secret sect, promise Dr. Light that they can make him human again. What is he now? I don't know? Some kind of squidgy afterdeath? That's like afterbirth but composed of mostly ectoplasm. Charr, the leader of The Crimson Men (or at least press agent) strikes a deal with Dr. Light: in exchange for information on Steve Trevor, Dr. Light will get his old life back. I think they really just want his power.

Back in Central Park, Steve Trevor names the villains for me: Lion-Mane, Hellhound and his doggies, Primape, and the others which he doesn't recognize. That's okay. I'm fairly certain I guessed their names correctly.

Cheetah decides to try to get Steve Trevor to confess his love for Wonder Woman while he's bound in the Lasso of Truth. While that takes place, Killer Frost lures Mäuschen to her cage with the protein bar Trevor gave her. I suppose since Mäuschen was just created this issue, he's going to have to sacrifice his little mousy heat so that Killer Frost can escape. Poor thing. Once I saw the tiny sword on his back, he became my favorite character ever. And now he's going to die! That's just wrong.

See? This is the part where the hero nearly loses but then rises up and comes through with his pure heart and dedication to saving everything!

Steve subdues Cheetah while Killer Frost takes out Elephantitis and Hellhound. Primandproperape, Crazy-Manes, Zebra Nation, and Hellhound's dogs are nowhere to be seen. Perhaps they took off once the Lasso of Truth had Cheetah bound and her influence over them wore off. But it's okay if they've run off with multiple tails between their legs because Dr. Light has just arrived to finish off Steve Trevor once and for all.

A.R.G.U.S. #5 Rating: No change. This was a pretty good issue except that part where Mäuschen died and I decided to never forgive Sterling Gates ever again. How would you like it if I wrote a comic book and sold it at a comic shop near you and you purchased it and you read it and you discovered your new favorite character and I killed it off? Right there in your own home? Yeah, it doesn't feel so great, does it?! I hope Issue #6 shows him still alive!

A.R.G.U.S. #4

You'll be okay, Steve! That whole face scratching thing happened to me last night too!

See?

My Scratcher was far less sexy than Steve's. Although the Scratchee in my incident is far more entertaining than the one in Steve's incident.

This issue begins showing Black Bison murdering some ARGUS Agents in Metropolis. Agent 234 seems to be the last Agent left and if he can hold out just long enough, Cyborg should be by to beat the shit out of the other Assassin Committee 2000 Bureau Members. Except I think Cyborg beat them up while passing through Pittsburgh or somewhere. So maybe only Black Bison is currently in Metropolis killing Agents.

Nope. They're all here! Getting their asses kicked by Cyborg on his way to find Doc Magnus probably happens later.

Plastique can't get in touch with Killer Frost because she found some new friends: Colonel Steve Trevor and Professor Martin Stein. Sounds like a fucking party, those guys! But Killer Frost can't be very choosy about her friends right now. She's starving for Heat Sustenance, the kind only Firestorm can give her if you know that I mean nuclear blasts of burning passion. Trevor needs to find Firestorm because he's learned, from some ancient witches, that Wonder Woman and some other inconsequential assholes have been imprisoned inside of Firestorm's Slash Fiction Matrix. Professor Martin Stein is the guy that created that Matrix, so everybody is counting on the big nerd to find Firestorm for them. Everybody always counts on the nerd to do all the work! Look at how Anthony Michael Hall got screwed into writing the fucking paper for everyone in The Breakfast Club and he's the only one that didn't wind up getting any poontang out of it. Fucking dicks. Although it was worth it in the end. Because he knew what all writers know. Writers have the real power. They get to tell the story their way. So fuck 'em all!

Before Trevor and Stein and Snow can come up with a plan, The Assassin Committee 2000 Bureau arrives. They couldn't find Killer Frost earlier by trying to contact her on her Silver Dollar Phone. That's because they had to wait until the right moment in the plot where they'd arrive with the greatest dramatic effect. Also, they needed to enlist Grid's help. So now Trevor and Frost have to battle Plastique, Hyena, Typhoon, Black Bison, and Multiplex. Mindboggler might show herself as well at some point since she was there when Cyborg kicked their asses. Luckily Stein has some teleportation tubes in the basement for just such an emergency. And since they're going to need a telepath, they decide to teleport straight to one.

The Circus should have a Telepath or two. Plus Agent Gunn gets to make a cameo so he can afford to make his mortgage payment this month. Since Vibe was cancelled, times have been pretty lean.

When is Cheetah going to appear? Is she in the Circus? Is she a telepath? She isn't a telepath! Is she?

Well, Cheetah doesn't make an appearance yet. The telepath they're after is named Psi. Apparently she first appeared in a non-existent adventure between Supergirl and Vibe. Maybe it's a story that would have happened if Vibe hadn't been a no-personality bore and had actually managed to sell some fucking comic books. Not that I thought he was a bore! Vibe was a fun comic book!

Psi read Supergirl's mind and realized that Supergirl had meant it as a greeting when she punched her in the face. So Psi decided to help ARGUS in their mission of kidnapping and imprisoning foreigners to our dimensional shores.

This is Psi in 1985. She actually wears more clothing now.

Psi gives Trevor a serious brainstorm which causes Trevor to realize he needs the Lasso of Truth. I guess he'll use it to tie around Firestorm and say, "Are Batman and Superman really fucking each other in your Slash Matrix?!" And Firestorm will have to hide his boner and answer, "Yes." Anyway, Cheetah currently has the Lasso, so it's off to find the fucking wizard. I mean Cheetah.

A.R.G.U.S. #4 Rating: No change. I think this issue helps piece together some of the mystery behind Martin Stein. He created the Firestorm Matrix while working as a contracted agent of ARGUS. Once he did that, some very scary people came after him. Those were the Jackals and the Evil Firestorm Corporation and probably Pozhar as well. So he faked his death and went to hide out in his little cabin deep in the wilderness. Steve Trevor was only able to find out he was still alive and get his help thanks to the Ancient Witches from the Magic Mirror. So now Professor Stein is solidly back in the DC Universe instead of being mysteriously missing with only graffiti on a bus in Gotham to say, "Martin Stein Lives!" Or something. My memory isn't that good!

Killer Frost #1

Will we finally get the story about how she transformed way back in The Fury of Firestorm: The Nuclear Men #1?

I'm not even sure if the woman caught in Ronnie and Jason's initial Firestorm transformation became Killer Frost. That title was such a mess for most of its run. I think it got a little bit too ambitious. You can tell by how many words were in the title.

This issue begins with Doctor Caitlin Snow arriving in the Arctic. I weigh out all the facts: her last name is Snow; she's narrating the comic book; she finds articles on hypothermia fascinating. Yep! She's going to be Killer Frost! I'm 38% sure of it. Which means the woman in the early pages of Firestorm never did get to become Killer Frost. Oh! Unless this is her since this is three years earlier! So there's still time to join the Hyenas or Jackals or Dog Patrol or whatever the fuck American Terrorist group masquerading as a corporate entity was called.

The big twist in Killer Frost's Reboot: the professor was impressed with her hard work and intelligence.

The Doctor that Doctor Snow is replacing was a Louise Lincoln who wandered out into the Arctic cold and froze to death. Louise Lincoln was the name of the second Killer Frost in Firestorm's history but I don't think the name is anything but a callback to the Preboot era. Doctor Snow gets some weird looks from the rest of the science team as she is led off to see her lab, the self-sustaining, thermodynamic ultraconductor. It was a machine that Doctor Lincoln was working on to create perpetual motion and, thus, free energy. Doctor Lincoln's logic for designing something that would break the law of physics went thus: "Fucking Superman flies and shit, shooting lasers out of his fucking eyeballs which, like, should totally not be possible, so why can't I fucking throw away the Laws of Physics too? Who does that fucking Superman think he is?"

Doctor Lincoln died before she could get her machine to work. Or maybe she died because she got her machine to work and then it was sabotaged, seeing as that's what happens to Doctor Snow after she fixes it.

Maybe he's just coming up for a celebratory hug?

It turns out all the other assholes at the outpost work for H.I.V.E. Which probably also makes them terribly written assholes. But what it definitely makes them is uninterested in a technology that will kill the money to be made in fossil fuels and other energy industries. Although why H.I.V.E. cares, I don't know. Aren't they just planning on mind controlling everybody anyway? If they're so concerned with money, they can just force everyone to empty their wallets on H.I.V.E.'s doorstep.

They trap her inside the chamber with the Ultraconductor and turn it on. But before it warms up and melts her into a really intelligent and hard working pile of goo, she rearranges some wires and shit. It's at this point where a person becomes superhuman or a corpse. Doctor Snow manages to get lucky and become Killer Frost. Or Killer Snow. She'll probably go with that for a few seconds before she realizes how stupid it sounds.

One thing left over from the Silver Age: she still likes to steal warmth by kissing. I'm so glad. I thought they were going to modernize that as well. "Bend over, Doctor. The best way to steal a body's core warmth is through the anal sphincter."

Gail Simone mentions scenes on Twitter all the time and people draw the scenes for her. How come nobody ever draws my fantasy scenes?! Come on, people! I want to see pics of Killer Frost rim-jobbing the life force out of people! You'll get loads and loads of new Followers when I post them to my site!

Killer Frost eventually makes it back home to Pittsburgh after kissing her way through another outpost and through a small airport, along a railroad, through a couple dozen cab rides, two greyhound bus trips, and a couple dozen hitchhiked rides. She should probably have Kiss in her name since it's her main weapon. The Kiss Stealer! The Anal Sphincter Kiss Bandit. Killer Rimjob.

Back in Pittsburgh, she meets Firestorm.

And learned she could be a real girl again!

But Firestorm eluded her attempts to steal his power over and over again. And then the Crime Syndicate came and killed her one chance of returning to normal. They had killed the Justice League. No more Firestorm. No more soft, tender flesh. No more hope.

Killer Frost #1 Rating: I really liked this issue. I liked that Caitlin Snow was a normal, happy, exuberant woman that a really fucked up thing happened to. And I like that it ends with Killer Frost hopeless and not very happy with the Crime Syndicate. Does this mean she'll be joining up with Black Manta to help defeat these Earth 3 assholes? Maybe Earth 3 Lex Luthor will escape from the Crime Syndicate's clutches and create his own Legion of Doom (Doom being a good thing on Earth 3! I think) with the villains that don't see a world run by the Crime Syndicate as a nice place to be. Or, um, maybe Earth Prime's Lex Luthor will do that since he was kind of the main character in Forever Evil! Sometimes I should think shit through before I actually type it. Then y'all wouldn't have to read nearly as much.

Killer Frost! (as seen in Firestorm)

PERSONAL DATA
Alter Ego: I: Dr. Crystal Frost II: Dr. Louise Lincoln
Occupation: I,II: Former Scientist, now Professional Criminal
Marital Status: I,II: Single
Known Relatives: I,II: None
Group Affiliation: I: Secret Society of Super-Villains II: None
Base of Operations: I,II: Mobile
First Appearance: I: FIRESTORM #3 II: (as Louise) FURY OF FIRESTORM #20 (as Killer Frost) FURY OF FIRESTORM #34
Height: I: 5'4" II: 5'3"
Weight: I: 123 lbs. II: 105 lbs.
Eyes: I,II: Blue
Hair: I,II: Blond, later blue

HISTORY
Dr. Crystal Frost was an extremely withdrawn young woman who sought to be accepted as an equal by her fellow scientists, but felt herself instead to be the victim of prejudice against women. While studying at Hudson University she fell in love with one of her teachers, Dr. Martin Stein [Is this what happened to all women when they went to college in the fifties and sixties? Even though they could have had great careers in science and medicine, they're still looking for a man? So they have a relationship with their professor, have their hearts broken, then use their scientific genius to become a super-villain (see Poison Ivy)? What a great time to be a male college professor!]. Years later, Stein visited a scientific project she was working on in the Arctic. She was shocked to learn that Stein was not and never had been in love with her.

Dr. Frost accidentally locked herself in a thermofrost chamber, and as a result was transformed into a superhuman being. Calling herself Killer Frost, she sought vengeance on her allegedly prejudiced male colleagues [Sure. "Allegedly." Wouldn't want to assume the worst of members of a nerdy male science club that already have huge chips on their shoulders because they're too awkward to casually speak with women and thus blame women themselves for never showing any interest in them.] and on Stein [Because fuck him for not wanting the same things she wanted.] by absorbing all the heat from their bodies. However, Stein joined with student Ronnie Raymond [No wonder Stein wasn't interested in her.] to become Firestorm (see Firestorm), who defeated Killer Frost.

Killer Frost spent months imprisoned within a deep freeze unit. After escaping, she went to Dr. Louise Lincoln, whom she had known in college. Lincoln told her that her months-long imprisonment in the unit was rapidly killing her. Knowing she was dying, Killer Frost went on a rampage. Finally, Firestorm allowed her to absorb much of his own energy, which was so intense that it consumed her [They leave out the intent here! Did Firestorm do it to try to save her? Or did he want her to die?!].

Believing that her former friend deserved to live more than she [What?! Why?], Louise Lincoln performed an experiment that turned her into the new Killer Frost. Lincoln insanely believes that by doing so, she has allowed Crystal Frost to live again, and Lincoln has allowed her role as Killer Frost to overwhelm her own identity. This second Killer Frost has teamed up with the terrorist Plastique (see Plastique) to battle Firestorm, but he defeated them both.

POWERS & WEAPONS
Killer Frost needs to absorb heat in order to survive. Hence, Killer Frost can kill people by kissing them [Once again, see Poison Ivy. Was this the only way women could defeat men in the Silver Age? But they were unable to harm other women thanks to the Comics Code Authority!] and simultaneously draining the warmth from their bodies [Can she also kill by putting her cold feet up against the partner she's under the covers with?]. If she succeeds in draining all of a person's warmth, he will die. However, she is highly vulnerable to cold, which causes her own energy to drain from her body, eventually rendering her immobile.

Killer Frost can project waves of coldness from her body that can freeze virtually anything. She can thus create sheets of ice, or shoot spearlike icicles at opponents. She often gestures when using her powers, but can project waves of coldness from her eyes, or even freeze things by touching or walking on them. Killer Frost can even appear to levitate herself by causing swirling cold air to support her weight.

The Fury of Firestorm #20

Hopefully Firestorm is going to throw them in a room until they learn to love each other. And then learn to kiss each other. And then learn to fuck each other.

I think Firestorm died last issue. Along with Ronnie's mom and Typhoon and Black Bison and Killer Frost and Multiplex. Plastique blew the crap out of everyone because she's psychotic and I have a feeling if any of the Bureaucratic Bureau of Assassins survived the explosion, they'll think twice about hiring anybody with such a chaotic super power. When hiring for a super villain society, your first concern should be avoiding super powers with a high percentage of friendly fire. I would just go by name. Plastique? No. Tuberculosis? Nope. Shitstorm? Fuck no.

I guess Firestorm didn't die since Tonya and Jason's father are dragging him into an alley on the first page and he's moaning in pain. Also, Jason's disembodied head is floating around trying to talk with them.

I hate Jason's disembodied head! He's supposed to be part of Ronnie's consciousness. If Ronnie's knocked out, Jason should be able to take over Ronnie's body. Otherwise, he should be knocked out with Ronnie. But he shouldn't be a floating head observing what's going on around Firestorm!

When Ronnie and Jason merge to create Firestorm, Ronnie's body becomes the vehicle in which Firestorm manifests. But if Dan Jurgens is going to write Jason's head as if it's floating around observing like it is, just run with it! Firestorm could use Jason's head to phase through walls and scout out the area. Jason's head can always look behind Firestorm so that nobody can ever sneak up on them. I'm just not sure Dan Jurgens gives a shit.

Editor Mike Cotton: "Hey Dan? Why is Jason's head noticing Hyena when Firestorm is clearly unconscious on the ground with his eyes closed?
Dan Jurgens: "Fuck, dude! It's a fucking comic book, right? Who fucking cares how anything is explained?! It's a FUCK. ING. COM. IC. BOOK!"
Editor Mike Cotton: "Fine. Whatever. I guess nobody is reading this shit anymore anyway."
Dan Jurgens: "Exactly! Now do you want to snort this line off this prostitute's ass? Cause if not, I'm going again."

General Eiling's secret hero finally arrives to buy some time so that Firestorm can clear his head.

Why does Major Force look nearly identical to that idiot Black Jack that was killed in Voodoo?

Major Force must be a tough, no-nonsense type that probably likes to yell a lot. I'm stereotyping simply because he's a military guy and he's chewing on a cigar. Really? Going into combat with a cigar in your mouth? I hope he chokes on it.

This guy really, really looks like Black Jack! Like identical twin! Same costume and cigar and everything! Perhaps he went up in rank from "Black" to "Major" so he figured a name change was called for. Also, he might have decided he needed a new name after the whole decapitation fiasco. Perhaps whatever the Black Razors injected into the poor sap that became Black Jack simply turns any soldier it's used on into a cigar smoking, black skinned, white haired asshole. Then they slap on the same old costume and give him a new name.

Killer Frost, Black Bison, and Multiplex all show up and begin attacking Major Jack Force. Firestorm heads off to rescue his mom who is still being held captive by Plastique.

Let me get this straight. Plastique blew the shit out of everyone with such spectacular force that Firestorm flew three blocks. But everybody that was within a few feet of Firestorm when this happened didn't get one scratch or burn or blown out eardrum? I guess I have to begin making up my own fanboy logic. I suppose Black Bison cast a spell that protected everyone whose head was not on fire.

Meanwhile in General Eiling's secret headquarters, Superman arrives! But he's not even the most surprising guest of the night!

"Oh my god! Martin Stein! Can you please explain all that shit with Scorn and Wrath and Fury and Pissed?"

With he help of Jason's dad, Firestorm rescues Ronnie's mom and defeats Plastique and Typhoon. Once Firestorm sends the civilians off to safety, he heads back to defeat Black Bison, Killer Frost, and Multiplex with the help of Major Jack Force. Black Bison is knocked unconscious and Killer Frost is trapped in cement but Multiplex gets away. And then Major Jack Force and Firestorm leave the bad guys lying about the street as they head home in conversation.

Oh, okay. I guess the military should be able to keep these guys in custody. Just like they kept Relay, Black Star, and Skull Crusher from escaping immediately, right?

Major Jack Force tricks Firestorm into shutting down his neural something or others which causes Jason's disembodied head to suddenly become teeny, tiny Jason hanging out on the inside of Ronnie's head.

I told you Jurgens doesn't give a fuck.

Major Jack Force brings Firestorm back to Eiling's headquarters where he encounters Superman. He blows smoke in Superman's face and pays the price. No, Superman doesn't cut his head off. He just flicks him through a six foot thick metal wall. I should try that! The next time somebody lights up in front of me while walking down the sidewalk and nonchalantly begins blowing smoke over their shoulders and into my face, I'm going to flick them so fucking hard! And they'll go, "What the fuck do you think you're doing?" And I'll say, "Superman supports me! You're like that asshole Major Jack Force! Ha ha! Loser! I hope you get your head cut off!" And then I'll have to explain it all to the police later. But it'll be worth it and they'll understand once they see I was merely emulating Superman!

Martin Stein says he's been monitoring Firestorm's progress from afar. So he's been watching the world teeter on the brink of destruction for nearly a year and he doesn't do shit about it? But when Firestorm is about to be kidnapped by the American Miliatry, that's when he goes to the Justice League for help? Martin Stein is a communist pinko socialist commie Marxist liberal communist commie! Martin Stein doesn't explain anything else because this comic book is nearly over and it's been cancelled. So everyone will have to wait for his bullshit lies another time. I have a feeling he was sampling sex slaves in Bangladesh for the last six months, the disgusting communist communist! Pinko Tuscadero! Liberalache! Marky Marxist!

Superman invites Firestorm to join the Justice League and they fly off into the sunset with Firestorm finally asking the most important fucking question!

Also be sure to get a per diem!

The Fury of Firestorm: The Nuclear Men #20 Rating: +2 Ranking. Now it didn't deal with Jason and Ronnie's romantic relationship but that's okay. More so than the other issues, Firestorm did decently in battle. Plus he asked the only question that matters when being asked to join the Justice League. But this final issue did raise some new questions that everyone will have to wait to have answered. The questions will probably be forgotten for twenty years until a current twelve year old fan of DC winds up writing for DC in 2033 and uses Major Force in a comic book where he begins having flashes of having his head cut off and realizing that the U.S. Military has been using his brain over and over again in different bodies while giving him new super hero names although forcing him to remain in the same outfit. Also there might be some stuff about Martin Stein that people are curious about.

This comic book began as one of the few comic books to really go for a different direction with Firestorm after the Reboot. So it's odd to find that Firestorm has basically ended up pretty much the way he was. Professor Stein is back. All of the "Nuclear Men" of the title are gone. Fury and Scorn and Wrath and whatnot have not made an appearance in many months and have not really been explains. It's all just back to Firestorm and the two men that merge so he can live. And Martin Stein is in there somewhere, providing hand jobs or something.

The Fury of Firestorm: The Nuclear Men #19

I knew his other problem was the Bureau of Bureaucratic Assassins!

Judging by the cover, it looks like I got three of the identities of the shadowy figures right: Killer Frost, Black Bison, and Plastique. And maybe I got four right if that Hyena guy is actually Jurgen's version of The Weasel! But then, all I had to do was vomit forth a bunch of Firestorm's traditional enemies! Anybody who wasted their youth reading Firestorm comic books could have done the same thing.

Last issue ended with Firestorm believing he had just saved his mom from Multiplex's trap. What he didn't know was that this trap came in multiple parts and now he was going to have to face the 2000 Committee. Or the Bureau of Bureaucratic Assassins. Or whatever Reboot name Firestorm's rogues' gallery decided to take.

Turns out the Hyena guy I thought might be The Weasel is actually The Hyena. Seems like an appropriate foe for Firestorm.

The Hyena wants Firestorm dead. Black Bison wants him to research his power so they can learn to wage war better. Killer Frost insists on making temperature related puns. And Plastique has yet to be introduced as she just stands around in the background gawking. Firestorm simply wants to get his mother to safety. But he winds up dropping her due to Bison's mystic winds and he crashes into the bay and gets knocked out. Will Jason Rusch finally learn that he can control Firestorm when Ronnie Raymond is unconscious?

Jason's father and Tonya, the girl Jason is pretending to be in love with, are racing to the warehouse where the battle is taking place. Tonya is a bit of a genius and has traced Ronnie's mom's cell phone to the docks. And since Firestorm might not be powerful enough to save her, the high-school girl and the one-armed man are coming to save the day.

After the cut scene, Ronnie wakes up to Jason yelling inside his head. I guess Jason just has to sit by in his incorporeal state and watch as they die if Ronnie is ever unconscious and in mortal danger. Can't Jason at least end the merge himself and then rescue the unconscious Ronnie from danger? That would make more sense than watching Ronnie drown while yelling at him to wake up.

While underwater, Ronnie meets another eyeshadow enthusiast.

After his brief foray underwater, Firestorm returns to land to dump Hyena in the bay and grab his mom. But before they can escape, Killer Frost freezes them to the docks. Firestorm can't alter the ice and Jason believes it's because it might have some kind of organic component. But, um, Firestorm can still generate heat, right? He should still be able to melt it without worrying about transmuting it. Right? Unless Killer Frost should be called Killer Polycarbonate Mixed With Some Organic Component. And, well fuck, that should melt too with extreme heat! Although I guess getting the heat high enough to melt plastic would probably kill Ronnie's mom at the same time.

Meanwhile, Plastique still hasn't been introduced properly and really hasn't shown her face since looking confused during the initial reveal.

What was Ronnie's mom, the racist, about to call killer frost? "Bisexual beauty"? "Bigoted hussy"? "Bipartisan cow"?

Watching the battle from a top secret secret war room of secrecy, General Eiling watches the battle. But he's tired of just watching the battle! He wants to win the battle! But a battle can't be won simply by watching the battle. One must participate in the battle if one wants Firestorm's head to eventually end up on a platter at one's feet! So he sends in his super secret agent of secrecy because Dan Jurgens just loves showing shadowy figures to be revealed later. I get the feeling Dan Jurgens is the kind of guy that makes love for hours, constantly keeping his companion at the edge of sexual ecstasy, teasing and teasing until his partner can't take anymore, grows bored, and stops reading his fucking comic books.

Luckily the 2000 Committee can't help fighting amongst themselves and Multiplex stops Killer Frost from killing Ronnie's mom. And then Jason comes up with a plan to free Firestorm from the ice! But I have to scan it in if you want to know how the plan worked because I haven't got a fucking clue.

By making eye contact with Multiplex, it caused a metaphysical link between all eighteen souls in the two different bodies which overloaded the biochemical circuits in Firestorm's pituitary gland which enabled him to fire a blast from his hand and into Multiplex's right kidney causing the organic ice to shatter into a majillion pieces.

After Firestorm frees Ronnie's mom, Typhoon nearly drowns them both. It's at this point in the battle that Ronnie's mom is having serious regrets about having children. And now that Multiplex is full of Firestorm hormones, he's turned into four copies of himself all with super strength. Multiplex has done the math and realizes that if he makes fifteen of himself, they're all at normal human strength. So I think I overestimated the amount of souls in Multiplex's body by one!

After Firestorm finally defeats Multiplex for good, the final member of the Bureau of Bureaucratic Assassins introduces herself.

Zings? What ze fuck are zose?

As Plastique promises (and possibly why she's told to remain in the back where she can't hurt anybody), everything fucking explodes. Firestorm. Ronnie's mom. Multiplex. Hyena. Killer Frost. Typhoon. Black Bison. Plastique. Everything! BWHOOOM! Gigantic fireball! And Jason's dad and Tonya arrive just in time to see the explosion. Luckily they stopped a block away so they could run through the streets slowly instead of continuing to drive. Perhaps they ran out of gas. After the explosion, a burning fireball of a person crashes down on Jason's dad's car. And Tonya the medical expert makes a snap judgment call on the condition of the victim.

Well, I guess that's that then! The Final Battle will be between Tonya, Jason's Dad, and General Eiling's Secret Man of Secrecy. Since, you know, they're the only people left alive.

The Fury of Firestorm: The Nuclear Men #19 Rating: No change. I can't believe how quickly the romance in this book took a back seat to constant action. I guess strong bonds are formed in battle, so once Jason and Ronnie have some downtime, maybe they'll be able to lose themselves in each other. They were married in the Zero Issue and I don't think they've even had their first kiss yet! Disappointing.