Green Arrow #28

This fisting joke writes itself and then goes back in time to fuck its own grandfather.

I wish one of the hands on The Fist Icon was wearing a ring because it's practically goat.se with four hands. Seriously though. DC Comics has come a long way from the days when they got upset at Simon Bisley for drawing a penis in Lobo's arm muscles. Now they have a guy in ecstasy and pain from taking a fist in the ass right on the cover with an image of the person doing the fisting inset with a bloody fist! And under that a goat.se swastika! What the fuck is going on over at DC's offices these days? I'm guessing lots and lots of opiates.

The issue begins with Oliver Queen's father saying, "Surprise! Daddy's home! How's the business going?" And Ollie is all, "Um. Uh. Yeah, dad. About that. Didn't you say how you always wanted to be a painter?"

Oliver learns that his dad faked his own death and stranded Oliver on a desert island in order to protect Oliver. Then he forced him to have adventures written by J.T. Krul and Ann Nocenti to strengthen and toughen him for the battles ahead. It was the only way they could go up against The Outsiders and survive.

He's not the only one that hates you for what you put him through! Just think of what you put us through?! Two years of shit for comics!

Anyway, that explains away the first two years of this comic book. Although I'm not sure Oliver really learned much during his time being written by Krul and Nocenti. He was still a selfish, childish, immature brat during those times. But I suppose we have to fake it if we want to leave those memories behind us. And that's just what I'm going to do! I'm finally going to let this comic's past failures go! I will get on board with Lemire and pretend that whatever he writes is how things happened.

I should probably do the same thing for Katana so that when she enters The Outsiders War here, I won't bitch and moan and kick my feet the entire time.

I should but I'm almost certain I won't!

Ollie's dad clears up all the hazy bits and makes sense of the entire story so far. The only part that doesn't make sense is why, as a father and husband, he sacrificed his family to take over The Outsiders. I suppose he's saving the world or something. Although it might not matter since Kodiak finds them all and bashes Ollie and Shado in the kidney's with his shields.

He's a DC Character, isn't he?

Oliver puts Kodiak down with an arrow to a kidney and then he takes up the Shield Totem and coldcocks his father with it. Then he tells Shado that he doesn't like her very much and pouts off into the jungle.

Meanwhile in Seattle, Diggle has returned to Seattle to put a stop to Richard Dragon, Master of Kung Fu. He'd like Green Arrow's help but since Green Arrow is on vacation, he settles for help from Naomi and Henry. I hope he likes working with people who spend eighty percent of their work hours goofing around. Maybe that's why decided to team up with Clock King! So someone can keep an eye on their time cards.

And way over in Prague, Komodo (faux leader of the Arrow Clan) and Onyx (leader of the Fist Clan) stage a coup, killing Golgotha (leader of the Spear Clan and head of The Outsiders) and taking power for themselves. Little Emiko watches from the shadows and smiles. She'll probably be important in the upcoming war since she's Ollie's little half-sister.

Green Arrow #28 Rating: +2 Ranking. Reading a Green Arrow comic still doesn't fill me with wonder and excitement but I have to give it kudos for telling a coherent story about a kid that's been used by his father and everybody else in the world around him to the point that he no longer trusts anybody. He and his sister Emiko are going to have some huge therapy bills in the future.

Batwing #28

This is the kind of comic book cover that I'll stare at for well over five minutes before deciding I have absolutely nothing to say about it and skip the caption. It's the only way I can move on! It's difficult though! It throws off the entire routine by not placing a caption under the scan of the cover. And there's nothing I hate more than a break in routine! Except maybe my father. No, no! That was a joke! Ha ha! Look at me making jokes that aren't funny at all!

Last issue, Batwing was a victim of Gothtopia. This issue, I think he'll have forgotten all about Gothtopia because he has bigger concerns. His sister has been kidnapped by Rat Catcher. She's bait to lure in Lucas Fox so that The Victimizer can kill him. The Victimizer hates Lucas Fox because he knew him when he was younger and all that bastard Lucas ever did was try to help him. But he helped him in a way that wasn't the way The Victimizer wanted to be helped, so now The Victimizer hates Lucas Fox. Geez. Let it go! Now you've lived your whole life through the lens of your hatred of Lucas Fox who never tried to be anything but your friend, Victimizer! This is what people mean when they say forgiveness sets you free! Shit, you don't even need to forgive! You know how people say "forgive and forget?" The forgetting part is actually the only part you need to worry about! Then you can move on and live your life according to your own passions and not be tied up in vengeance and hate and bitter resentment!

I suppose The Victimizer also has a pretty steady drug business selling Viper to unambitious people whose dreams have died, stillborn and forgotten. So I guess he's moving on with his life a bit.

The Victimizer lives in Gotham Underground, "The most deadly new location in the DCU!"

Commissioner Gordon is trying to figure out a way to combat the rise in drug activity in Gotham, mostly due to Viper which is also called Snakebite and is commonly known as Crystaldeath. One of Gordon's coworkers thinks the public need to be educated on the dangers of Crystaldeath. Really? You think the name isn't a big enough clue? If people decide to take Crystaldeath even when it's called Crystaldeath (hell, even Snakebite and Viper are big clues that it's poison), I'd say they're making an informed enough decision! You don't see me going around eating Heart Attack Fruit or Cancer Causing Chitlins, do you?

I mean, I do ingest things that probably contribute to heart attacks and cancer but at least they're not labeled as such! Although if I'm being truly honest with myself (which I very rarely am), I'm pretty sure I'd still eat Oreos if they were called Death Cookies of Death. Which, I'm sure, some might argue they should be relabeled as.

Meanwhile Batwing takes to the streets for information so he asks some of the local gangs what they know about Viper and its distributors so that he can locate his sister, Batsister.

I dream of doing this to Lord Google, the sanctimonious bastard.

Batwing should probably rethink the way he deals with the public because instead of answers to his questions he gets bullets to his face.

After Batwing declares he's worse than Batman, he beats the shit out of the criminals in exactly the same way Batman does! Broken bones and grappling hooks through meaty, succulent, tasty flesh. And it works just as well because Batwing learns that the way to get in touch with the people that sell Viper is to find a rat and say, "Hello, Mr. Rat. Pleased to meet you. Would you like some cheese? No? You're busy? Okay, enough small talk. I want to get fucked up and possibly die so could you get me some of that sweet, sweet Crystaldeath? Okay. Thanks!" Then the rat skitters away and a few hours later, you have some Crystaldeath! And a few hours after that, brain damage!

Batwing is lucky that some rats nearby watch his interrogation of the drug dealer and relay the information back to Rat Catcher. This way, Batwing doesn't have to possibly embarrass himself by talking to a bunch of rats. Batwing seems like one of those guys that never wants to be fooled so he never believes anything he reads on the internet. Just in case!

Okay, DC! When are you going to release a monthly comic called The Rat Pack starring Rat Catcher, Mouse, and Pied Piper? And introducing Rat King who is made up of five friends who met in college and had themselves surgically sewn together. And they're all female which causes people to always ask the same question: "Why Rat King?" They then respond with several overly dramatic sighs during which they call up the Rat King entry on Wikipedia on their cell phones and force the person to read it.

The Victimizer comes to visit Rat Catcher and points out that the place smells really, really badly. Then Rat Catcher references Perfume because I guess that's how he stands the smell. Or does he mean he's created a perfume that smells like virgins from a virgin and he breathes deep of it in his mask to offset the rat piss smell? He doesn't really elaborate past asking The Vicimizer if he's ever read Patrick Süskind.

And then The Victimizer kicks the crap out of Rat Catcher and steps on his Bell Jar Gas Breather Rat Pal after breaking the Bell Jar Gas Breather Rat Pal helmet. And I instantly hate and despise The Victimizer! How dare he?! I hope Rat Catcher lives his entire life seeking revenge against The Victimizer in much the same way I just recently said that nobody should live their life!

Once The Victimizer learns that Batwing was asking about Lucas Fox's sister, he kidnaps Tiff, Lucas Fox's other sister, as well. He then leaves a note in the blood of a neighbor on the wall that says, "Master Torres was right." I suspect that alludes to the man that taught Luke and Russell (The Victimizer!) self-defense. So now Batwing knows who has his sisters. He just needs to figure out where they're being kept. Here's a hint, Batwing: "It's the most deadly new location in the DCU!"

Batwing #28 Rating: +2 Ranking. I really, really, really, really like Rat Catcher. And I really, really, really, really hate The Victimizer. I guess I just love rodents.

The Movement #9

What is Vengeance Moth pointing at? Batgirl's camel toe?

Mentioning camel toe makes me think of the opposite of camel toe which I think is that thing where you can see a guy's junk swinging around freely in his pants as he walks. Am I the only one that, whenever a full body shot of a man on a television show pops up, first checks his crotchal region to see what's going on down there? Tight pants with cock outline? Weirdly smooth space? Free swinging knob and sack? It's not sexual in any way which is something I feel I have to explain since I'm in America where many people believe if organs used to procreate are mentioned than it must certainly be for titillating reasons. It's more like I'm Jane Goodall making scientific observations about the fashion choices of people with junk that wear pants. I find the variety of ways cocks and balls can appear through clothing far more fascinating than people's fixations on camel toe. Plus male camel toe is an especially rare treat that has gone mostly extinct with the advent of pants that barely stay up and the decline of pants that are five sizes too small. Although skinny jeans occupy a really weird space. The weird part about guys that wear skinny jeans? I don't think I've ever seen a hint of their junk through the jeans. How does that work?!

Whoops. That whole groin discussion derailed what I really was going to talk about when I began this commentary! That's the problem with typing whatever comes into your head while also lacking the ability to self-censor. Even if one manages to plan out what they were going to write, it nearly always turns into a series of rambling digressions that move further and further away from topics that most people would feel comfortable discussing in front of their grandparents and closer and closer to topics that are mostly just discussed on the elementary school playground. Okay, so I'm blaming digressions for that instead of my fascination, possibly obsession, with bodily functions and my inability to actually discuss anything that a liberal arts college professor would want to talk about over a glass of wine and a fancy cracker of goat cheese.

Anyway, I was thinking about The Movement and how they're a bunch of young people that want to improve the town where they live. I don't know how many of them are from Coral City but, transplant or native, they seem to love it. And it seems like as a person grows up, there are three main types of people. There are those that love their hometown and would never dream of leaving. Those that can't wait to get out of their hometown at their first chance. And those that hate their hometown but invariably find themselves stuck there for their entire life. I suppose their are more types of people but remember that thing about me not being able to have intellectual discussions? So stop riding me! I can only think of three types, okay?!

Here's a panel of Batgirl leaving town so it seems like I'm writing about the comic book.

I left my home town of Santa Clara when I was twenty five. I suppose I was the fourth type that I didn't mention: the person that doesn't really think about it one way or another. I actually left for college when I was seventeen to spend a year in Portland but wound up coming back to the Bay Area and attending San Jose State. Mostly because I was homesick. Mostly mostly because I was lovesick. I wound up getting my bachelor's degree in Books after four and a half years of college which translated to seven years of real world time. The year after college, I bought my first car: a 1972 Volkswagen Panel Van. And this was the first inkling that I was ready to get the fuck out of Santa Clara. The year after I graduated college and the year before I left, I worked a job taking care of the office equipment warehouse at the Netscape Campus. It was a huge place and I was the only person there all day except for the installers coming by occasionally to pick up product or delivery trucks dropping stuff off. I might have gone a little stir crazy. But it's there that I became the type of person that can't wait to get the fuck out of town. At the time, "One Headlight" by The Wallflowers was getting radio play and it was these lyrics that would turn me into a tearful raging mess that knew I had to move away as soon as possible:

This place is old; it feels just like a beat-up truck.
I turn the engine but the engine doesn't turn.
The smell of cheap wine and cigarettes, this place is always such a mess,
Sometimes I think I'd like to watch it burn.
I'm so alone, I feel just like somebody else.
I ain't changed but I know I'm not the same.
But somewhere here in-between the city walls of dying dreams
I think her death it must be killing me.

At the end of one full year of working there, I quit. I was living at home at the time and two weeks after I quit, I told my mom I was leaving for good (home and Santa Clara and, although I didn't know for sure at the time, California), loaded up my van with unread comic books and graphic novels, and hit the road. And that was that. Maybe that wasn't as interesting as how some people manage their junk inside of their trousers but I don't get to decide what content winds up in my blog.

I mean, technically, I guess I do. But whim and digression control this blog far more than structure and intent. Also, for those that haven't noticed or have never read this blog before, it is not about comic books.

So Batgirl is finally crossing over with The Movement! This is one of those fun crossovers and not one of those editorial demands Batman crossover with a title to get it's numbers up. You can tell the difference because anybody reading Gail Simone's Batgirl is probably already reading Gail Simone's The Movement. Although there might be Batfamily completists out there that desperately need every appearance of each member of the Batfamily in much the same way that I desperately need every copy of every Steve Jackson's Fighting Fantasy Game Books.

If this is the same thing you do to the "tails," Batgirl, I can see why nobody picks tails. You'd need a Mature Rated Comic Book for that move.

That last caption makes me feel kind of cheap. You know how when somebody makes a subtle joke about something and then the next guy comes along and makes the same joke just bluntly and they think they're suddenly fucking* Oscar Wilde [*adjective not verb!]? I feel like that's what I just did in that last caption. Simone was obviously making a subtle, teen-rated comic book fisting joke and I came along and blurted out, "BATGIRL WANTS TO FIST CRIMINALS!" Ugh. I'm such an asshole.

This guy Batgirl is not anally penetrating is named Reese and he seems to be some kind of Lightrayesque type of super person. I wish The Ray had called himself Lightrayesque. I might have been more interested in the character. Anyway, Batgirl winds up blasted by him and then there's the kind of scene cut where you go, "Welp. I guess Batgirl must have died!"

Unless you're smarter than I am. I spend half of my time reading comic books suddenly relieved that characters weren't killed off in the first few pages when they reappear several pages later to continue the fight.

Meanwhile in The Sweatshop which is what The Movement call their bathroom? I guess it makes sense. I'm fairly certain the way I'm going to die is having a stroke after sitting on a super cold toilet seat and taking a pantsless header into the kitty litter box. Ugh. Death, you destroyer of dignity: go fuck yourself.

Mouse is my favorite character right after (or right before) all of my other favorite characters. The important part of that last sentence was my proclamation that I like Mouse better than any of you. He's just gotten more and more entertaining ever since he first ratsurfed his way into my heart.

The Movement's current number one priority is to get Mouse to wash his balls. I knew it! Haven't I been saying since Issue #1 that Mouse must be fucking rank? I've only ever been friends (some people call it "owned" or "had a pet") with one rat at a time and the smell was overpowering! Virtue and the rest of them should probably let Mouse keep his sewer smell so that when Tremor turns him down, he can console himself that she just doesn't appreciate his scent. But if he gets cleaned up and she rejects him, he might have to face the fact that there is something incredibly wrong with his essential self and that he's not worthy of love at all and that he'll always be sad and pathetic and unhappy. As a Writer (with a capital "W"!), I can use my imagination to think up how someone might feel in these situations even though I've never been rejected by anybody ever and have never had my heart so broken that I twirled endlessly in a dark room with tears streaming down my face listening to The Cure's "Pictures of You."

I know there are people in the comic book industry that think they know the proper formula for making exciting comic books. Tight suits. Lots of punching. Space aliens. Double page spreads of awesome super cars. But they're all wrong. And, somehow, Gail Simone, a mere girl, figured out the way to make the best comic books. By spending two pages on getting a man named Mouse to take a shower.

Oh my god! Characters acting like themselves in normal (okay, slightly abnormal) situations!

I'm not trying to say Gail Simone is the greatest writer of all time although I might be because she sometimes reads these commentaries and if she's reading now she might want to skip the next sentence. She's not the best comic book writer at DC. But she's a talented writer and she's an entertaining writer and you can never go wrong being a fan of a writer that obviously loves her characters as much as she does. I actually don't know who the best writer is at DC. It could be Gail. Who knows? I just wanted to write this paragraph so I could use the "Gail should skip the next sentence" joke.

Meanwhile Batgirl is alive! Whew. She survived the blast from Lightrayesque but now she's being ganged up on by The Movement. Not The Movement that is the six super heroes but The Movement that is the many masked people with their I.C.U. apps on their phones. Batgirl has found herself in the Tweens of Coral City where authority is not welcome. Unless it's mob authority. Then it's okay. Also Virtue. Virtue is an okay authority. Probably because she's dead or something.

Mouse finally gets all dolled up to ask Tremor out and I find we have a hatred for things on our feet in common. And when he presents Tremor with his love note and his box of rat-infested candy, I can't help but wonder why the cover was all about Batgirl and not all about Mouse and Tremor's romantic story! Also I should have read this yesterday on Valentine's Day!

It's at this point that I realized I don't give a fuck what happens to Batgirl.

And then when the comic book gets back to Batgirl, I realize that I don't know what I give a fuck about anymore. What I do like is seeing Batgirl written like a big, judgmental jerk! This is why comic book characters should never agree to guest star in some other character's comic book! Even written by the same person, Batgirl is shown to be a huge turd outside her own turf! Judging how much the people care about their neighborhood by the cleanliness of it? That's the first step in accepting all the bullshit that goes along with the modern day version of Manifest Destiny: gentrification. Go back to Gotham, Batgirl! Before Katharsis learns that you're he....

Some people call it a Kaiser Blade but Katharsis calls it a Sling Blade.

Batgirl wins the battle by kicking Katharsis in the vagina. That's messed up, Batgirl. But at least it calms everybody down so that they can have a rational discussion about Lightrayesque and what's to be done with him. And, of course, the discussion takes place over donuts and banana milkshakes.

Lightrayesque's real super hero name is Horizon although I'll probably continue to call him whatever I want because I'm not the best at retaining names. He tried to be a super hero, accidentally killed two criminals when they fought back, and is now on the run in Coral City. Batgirl wants to get him into the court system but Virtue believes The Movement needs another member. They can't agree to disagree in this case due to the physical laws of the universe not allowing for Lightrayesque to exist in two separate quantum states, so Katharsis knocks out Batgirl. Virtue's plan is to learn her secret identity and use it to keep Batgirl out of the city.

Meanwhile, Lightrayesque is off killing cops because he's scared which lends a bit more credence to Batgirl's side of the argument than Virtue's. I think they need to compromise. Lightrayesque goes to trial for the people he's killed. If he's acquitted, he joins The Movement for training. If he goes to jail, he kills some guards, escapes, and moves to Coral City to get training with The Movement. Problem solved! I think.

The Movement #9 Rating: +3 Ranking. If only more of DC's comic books could be this entertaining! I hope it runs for a long time! Mostly so we can see Virtue slowly put on weight month after month due to all of her doughnut and banana shake meetings. Do corpses gain weight?

Arkham War #5

This is the last comic book I read that has "unleashed" on the cover! I really mean it this time! Come up with a new word, DC!

Okay, DC! I've done the difficult research for you by consulting Lord Google. Here are some other ways this cover could have gone!

"DISGUST DISCHARGED!"
"LOATHING LET LOOSE!"
"FRIGHT FREED!"
"REPUGNANCE RELEASED!"
"CONSTERNATION VENTED!"

Okay, maybe "unleashed" is the most viable which is why you overuse it. But I'm quite partial to "CONSTERNATION VENTED!"

In previous installments, Bane had disclosed hostilities on Gotham City which was currently overrun by deranged escapees from Arkham. That's probably why the comic book is called Arkham War. The regular citizens of Gotham are currently just trying to survive. Just like every other day in Gotham! Except most days nobody winds up in rowboats being sent out of the city by Jim Gordon and Agatha Greeksurnameopolis. Most days also don't involve Talons murdering the life out of everybody. Sure, some days have ended that way! But it's still fairly unusual. Not the kind of day you want to get caught outside without your full Kevlar body suit.

Bane loves going out in this weather.

Bane quickly finds himself in a full Talon downpour while William Cobb (the only Talon loyal to Bane) heads off on a super secret mission of secrecy. Bane is just the distraction because he can survive an assault of seven or so Talons. Or so he thinks! Batman survived being attacked by even more than that although he had help from Alfred. Alfred's help is probably worth four Talons alone. All Bane has is his ego and piles of dead soldiers to not fight beside him.

I'm not sure how you're supposed to defeat Bane but I am almost certain the secret is not anal beads.

As Bane keeps the Talons busy, Cobb returns from above, swinging down on a huge chopper blade to slice all the talons in twain. And since Talons don't die, Cobb is allowed a quiet moment to explain to them that they will soon regenerate right past the Scarecrow's mind control grip on them. I suppose they'll decide to follow Cobb back into battle. But I believe the Arkhamites still have one Talon in Henry Ballard! I don't really remember anything about that Talon but I'm pretty sure he wasn't present for Cobb's cutting party.

Back in Arkham, Scarecrow is thinking about contingency plans since controlling the Talons was never a sure part of the plan. His back-up plan was to get a sample of Bane's Venom to use against him. It seems that each and every Arkham escapee involved in the war is going to take a dose of the venom.

This is going to wind up a lot like the first horrible story arc of Batman: The Dark Knight.

Nobody here wants to use the Venom because that junk is crazy shitballs. So they refuse to drink. Too bad Crane wasn't using the wine as a delivery system. Instead, he piped the Venom into the room in gaseous form. So everybody is fucked. At least nobody took if voluntarily in this comic book! I still don't know what the fuck was up with all of the residents of Arkham tainted by Venom in Finch's initial story arc of Batman: The Dark Knight. That shit was so fucking awful. It may have been the worst end to any of The New 52's first issues when Venomized Two-Face appears and claims that he is now One-Face! What the fuck did that even fucking mean?! In a way, I kind of miss a lot of that amateur shit that was going down in the first year of The New 52! It's much harder to make fun of comics when I have to constantly lie and purposefully misunderstand the plot to find even a smidgen of humor for my commentaries.

At least the cover makes sense now! Even if it basically spoiled the final page.

Arkham War #5 Rating: No change. Another issue that felt like not much happened. Although I guess a lot did. Jim and Agatha are rescuing people. Bane defeated the Talons. The Scarecrow turned all of his allies into muscular brainless monsters. Hmm. That's it. So three things happened. And three things is not a lot. So I guess I was wrong when I guessed a lot happened. Never mind.

Detective Comics #28

In Which The Moon Crashes Down Into Earth

This is the story of Gothtopia. It is a city that has forgotten how to appreciate a good joke. When somebody says, "What did the snail say while riding on the back of the turtle?", somebody would say, "That is offensive to snails" or "That joke is too aggressive" or "You are being ableist" or "You'd better check your turtle privilege." In this new Gotham, if you are not entirely serious about a serious subject, you are taken to task for it. In Gothtopia, intellect is measured by how harshly you can criticize somebody else and how often you can deconstruct the most innocuous texts and find offense in them. In this perfect city, young people know everything and old people have no idea of all the great social strides the young are making and have never thought or fought for or acted on any of them before ever. In Gothtopia, everyone claims to be harder on themselves than on other people. And maybe that is true. Perhaps it is all true. Maybe Gothtopia is a better place for all of those things. But Gothtopians still often miss the jokes even if they don't realize why they can't stop being offended and why they can't stop perceiving flaws in everybody else's words and actions and, of course, why does Gothtopia have the highest suicide rate on New Earth? Why, Batman, why? Why have you not stopped that from happening, Batman? And I am not letting you off the hook either, Catbirdlady! But I think I know how to help! I know!

You need to find the joke that will make the whole world laugh! But do not accidentally tell the joke that makes the whole world cry! Because then you will have to cry to get the whole world to laugh! Which doesn't seem right, really. Especially in Gothtopia. Please do not laugh at the misfortunes of others, no matter how many banana peels they have slipped upon. It is not funny. Although if Batman put the banana peels there and slipped on them himself so that people will laugh, I think then it is okay to laugh. But the joke would be ruined if he pointed out that he was putting the banana peels there for a specific purpose to slip upon and fall down and look hurt for comedy. Jokes are very hard to tell! Especially in Gothtopia. But if anybody can think of a joke that will get the whole world to laugh and then to cry and then to live, it will be The Batman! He is good at...no, wait. He is not good at jokes. But he is good at saving people and the people need a good joke so he will be good at jokes this time! Go Batman! Go! Think of the best joke that does not offend anybody but is still very, very funny! Save Gothtopia, Batman! Make it worse than it seems because the truth is better than the lie which shall be seen as the truth but is in fact a lie!

What I am trying to say is that Gothtopia seems happy but it is not really. And false happiness is worse than real suffering because it keeps people from being able to actually end the suffering to be truly happy. Also, let us get to some jokes already.

Ha ha! This is a pretty funny joke because in Gothtopia, Batman is the only sane person but he is in a straight jacket while in Gotham, Batman is a crazy person but he is free to run loose at night! Ha ha! But not many people will see this joke because he is in a padded room and not on television.

Batman is going to have a very tough time with this job because it was his friends that put him in the mental institution for wanting to tell jokes that are funny. They said, "You just want to be able to tell Polish Jokes without anybody getting angry!" And Batman said, "No! No! That is not it at all! I will not tell jokes about African-Americans in boats with priests or rabbis walking into bars with Mexicans! Do not think all jokes are bad jokes! Please do not throw out the satire with the bathwater!" But Batman's friends said, "Oh no! You are just trying to tell us your offensive jokes are actually smart jokes but we will not fall for it. We will criticize your attempts to criticize Gothtopia because you have said some very insensitive things and it is not right, no matter how you meant it or what your intent was!" And Batman said, "Okay! Okay! I do not want to fight with you because when I fight with people they invariably wind up with very high hospital bills. I will go to joke prison for now! Maybe there I can think up a good joke that will convince you that something is very wrong with Gothtopia!" And Batman's friends said, "Now you are thinking rationally, Batman. You must go get help now with your horrible sense of humor."

"That is indeed troubling. The patient should see what we want him to see."

Batman's doctors need to cure Batman before he can come up with a punchline to his joke. Also before he can come up with a joke that needs a punchline. It is taking Batman longer than expected because he can't stop thinking up Dead Baby jokes. "What is the difference between Gothtopia and a pile of dead babies?" thinks Batman before he can stop himself. "No! NO! I am not in third grade any longer! Why am I thinking of Dead Baby Jokes?" Batman struggles against his restraints and says out loud, "How many dead babies can you fit in a blender?" He snickers and giggles and tries to calm down. "Those are not funny jokes that people will laugh at!" he thinks. "Those are unfunny jokes that children tell each other because they are still processing the ideas of death and aging and the possible pitfalls of their upcoming puberty! They are not proper jokes for adults to tell other adults unless those adults are high as fuck!" The doctors watch Batman struggle as the Chief Neurosurgeon, Professor Pyg, says, "Oh! Oh! I know the answer to Batman's blender question! I know right down to the ounce!"

Dr. Jonathan Crane heads up the Wellness Facility for Fine Tuning Senses of Humor and he is a very busy man. So busy that he is not able to take off Batman's Cowl and discover that Batman is actually Bruce Wayne, funniest man in Gotham. I think he is the funniest man because he is Batman's alter ego and Batman is the unfunniest man in Gotham. If Crane had done his due diligence, he would have realized the danger that his Gothtopia was now in! He had let Bruce Wayne into his facility! Now Bruce Wayne was free to think up a joke from the inside! That is the most dangerous kind of joke there is! The kind of joke that pierces the heart of injustice and brings down regimes in a single punchline!

As Batman is left alone in his cell, he begins to piece together his joke. He thinks critically about the way it must be crafted. It must draw in the listener as if they were listening to a true thing. The seemingly true thing must be simple and it must also be a lie that everybody has accepted as truth. He must state it as a fact in a very casual manner. It must go something like this: "What is up with airline food?" And people will think, "Yes. What is up with that?" And then Batman will tell them the truth about airline food in a very funny way that makes them laugh and nod their heads and say, "Yes! Yes! That is exactly right!" But his joke must not be about airline food but about something more meaningful. And that is the hard part for The Batman. What is the most meaningful thing he can make his joke about to prove that the people of Gothtopia are not happy at all! They are actually scared and miserable!

Hurry, The Batman! Hurry!

Earlier that day, Catbird visited Batman after she had suffered a severe head injury. She must have since that is the only way to explain how she was glad to be rid of Batman over in Catbird #27 but now she is telling Batman that she misses being with him. Hopefully it will not take her too many issues of her own comic book to recover from her head injury and be written by Sholly Fisch. Get better soon, Catbird! Everybody misses you! We miss us.

Batman needs to come up with his punchline tonight because he learned that he will be having brain surgery in the morning. The regular treatment for altering a sense of humor (by keeping a person locked up with no actual treatment at all) has failed and Dr. Crane has decided surgical correction would have the greatest chance for a successful cure. Brain surgery will be hard to conduct through the Bat-cowl though! And Batman does not want anybody finding out that he is really Bruce Wayne, so he would like to avoid the brain surgery if he can, even if it is going to be given to him for free. If he is going to come up with a good punchline, he is going to need help. Too bad his funniest friend, The Joker, had to go and throw himself off of an underground waterfall. Although his punchlines usually wind up in pretty dark territory and Batman does not think he needs a dark joke this time. He needs a very funny joke! So funny that it will cause the citizens of Gothtopia to remember they should be sad and scared most of the time! Enough with the fake smiles and phoney camaraderie! It is sickening to the stomach in the way that too many cupcakes are sickening to the stomach!

I know it is hard to believe that you could have too many cupcakes but, believe me, it is a true thing. It is also a sad thing because I would like to eat more cupcakes.

Since The Batman's funniest friend is unavailable for comment, he must find his next funniest friend: Poison Ivy. She is naturally funny if you get that pun! She is so funny that she punches Batman for rescuing her! Ha ha! You are mistaken, Poison Ivy! That is not what Batman meant by punchline! Although it is a pun, so it is kind of funny! But it is also too aggressive and nobody likes humor that is aggressive. Batman needs a careful blend of gentle and in your face humor. The kind of humor that plants display when they give you a rash or make your head stuffed up. That is funny to plants!

That is right! Perfect! Gentle and in your face just like I said! Ha ha!

With Poison Ivy's help, Batman comes up with a very good joke which he will tell Gotham. Then Gotham will see that Gothtopia isn't a shining city on a hill for the rest of the world to emulate. It is full of its own problems and dysfunctions and intellectual dishonesty. Gothtopia may have solved some problems but at the expense of ignoring the problems its solutions have caused. Currently when yet another citizen destined for Arkham points out the problems with Gothtopia, the Gothtopians respond with prepackaged, broad arguments to shut them down rather than looking at the specific situation and the individuals involved. These people are shuttled off to Arkham where they must stay until they learn to play by Gothtopia's rules no matter how ridiculous or arbitrary. The Gothtopian Ideal may be a good ideal to grow towards but it cannot be forced by madmen and evil geniuses and Professor Pyg (I don't know if that monster fits into any prepackaged categories!).

But before Batman can escape Arkham, he must get Killer Croc to laugh! That will be a difficult job, Batman! It has never been done before! Batman says, "How doth the little crocodile improve his shining tail?" Killer Croc says, "By killing Batman!" Batman says, "That is not the answer, Waylon. That is not even funny. That is aggressive and you should not be that way!" After Batman says that, he knocks out Killer Croc because, let's face it, Killer Croc is not going to laugh at anything. But that was not the last hurdle for Batman to hurdle if he is to escape Arkham! He must also make his friends laugh! And not just his normal friends that he makes laugh all the time, but creepy scarecrow versions of his friends!

Oh boy. That joke Bruce and Pamela came up with had better be a laugh riot.

Detective Comics #28 Rating: +2 Ranking. Let's face it. I never claimed to be a master of subtlety!

Forever Evil #5

Fuck you, Finch. Your Forever Evil covers are either bland or badly drawn. Sometimes both!

Sinestro appeared at the end of last issue to do something or other. I think he was hungry for some Deep Dish Pizza, Metropolis Style as opposed to Chicago Style because fuck Chicago! They hate masks, do they? Well why would a mask go drop twenty tourism bucks in your town if you don't want him there? What, is masked money no good? Anyway, Sinestro didn't find his pizza. He found Power Ring battling Temp Sinestro Corps Member, Batman! Also in the room? All those fuckers on the cover of this issue. And now, on with the story!

As this story begins, Sinestro has chased Power Ring into the sewers of Metropolis. I don't know how they got there. They dropped down the hole in the floor created by Luthor and Pals? I'm not sure why Sinestro is after him. It's hard to figure out Sinestro's motivations. Is he doing something selfless or selfish this time? Is he fighting for justice or simply for order at any price? Is he just trying to make Hal Jordan look bad or make Hal Jordan look bad? I think I know why Power Ring is fleeing from Sinestro though. Because Power Ring is a coward and his ring is quickly running out of charge.

The rest of the Secret Society of Super-Villains remain to battle Luthor and Pals with Special Guest Members Batman and Catwoman. This is probably the part where I'd scan a picture of the fight but, like usual, David Finch has graced us with a two page splash that doesn't fit in my rectum. I mean scanner!

I just realized I had a little more fuck you in me for David Finch! Why the fuck isn't Captain Cold on the cover, you dick?! He's the best member (after Bizarro!) of Luthor and Pals!

Why the fuck is Deathstroke making an Alice in Wonderland reference? He seems more of a quote Rocky III kind of guy.

Naturally, Catwoman takes on Deathstroke. I can't think of a better match-up! I mean, maybe Batman would be a better match against Deathstroke but he's busy bickering with Lex Luthor, so he doesn't have time to throw Bat-punches. The next match-up is Giganta versus Catwoman. Wait. That can't be right. Did Catwoman already defeat Deathstroke?!

If I were the fictional character of Catwoman, I would get super pissed every time somebody made me say "What's the matter? The cat got your tongue?"

Let's see...I think the next match-up will be Blockbuster versus Catwoman! No, I'm wrong! It's actually Shadow Thief versus Captain Cold. And the winner of that battle is Black Manta!

Batman battles Copperhead while Deathstroke takes on Lex Luthor. Deathstroke should have quit the Secret Society of Super-Villains months ago. He keeps getting his ass beat and he's not making any money because he's yet to make a single head roll. I don't know why the fuck he'd have joined up with this fucking crew when he's wealthy beyond belief and he doesn't work well on a team. The last team he had back in Deathstork Deathstroke #ReallyEarlyIssue, he killed them all! This is one of those big universe wide crossovers where they just needed a bad-ass killer so they decided to forget about Slade's personal motivations and throw him in the mix anyway. If they just have him mention how he's getting paid, it's enough of a reason to have him in the group! But I'm not buying it! I won't be fooled by this bullshit! And Deathstroke shouldn't either! His reputation is going to take a huge hit after the Crime Syndicate is defeated and everybody notices that Deathstroke got his ass handed to him no fewer than twelve times.

Fuck this. Fuck you! Fuck Johns! Fuck Finch! Fuck Liefeld! Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck! Slade is supposed to be super smart! He would have thought through all of the ramifications of siding with the Crime Syndicate. And, you know, he never would have done it anyway! What the fuck did I just get through saying?

So it takes Luthor's big brain to convince Slade to turn on the Crime Syndicate? Whatever. Toss my fucking salad, Johns.

Meanwhile in the sewers, Sinestro cuts off Power Ring's arm. The big veiny arm. The one with the ring on it. And the ring decides to cut its losses and go find a new host while Harold goes up in yellow flames. At least he was finally happy and free of that despotic ring. But who will the ring use as its host now? Who is the most cowardly person in The New 52?! My gut tells me it'll be a Batman villain. Maybe Scarface's master, Arnold Wesker (the non-telekinetic Ventriloquist who has only been seen in Finch's early issues of The Dark Knight)?

Back to the main bout, Copperhead gets his head blown off by Deathstroke and the last antagonist standing, Blockbuster, is knocked out by Bizarro. Now it's probably time for Batman to chastise everybody and act self-righteous because he wouldn't have resorted to guns or killing like these other barbarians always do. Except it isn't Batman that does the chastising. It's Sinestro!

Smart move, Luthor! Give up the leadership position just in case things go wrong!

Batman tries to demand to be leader but I don't think these guys see Batman in the same way that Batman sees Batman. Why would they need a powerless goody-two-shoes bitch when they've got a genius and a magic superman and an assassin and a ring wielder and another Superman but this one like a child? Batman seems a bit superfluous in this group. I mean, in their eyes! We all understand why they need Batman to lead! Because he's the Goddamned Batman and nobody is better at everything than he is!

Back at the Batcave, the top three members of the Crime Syndicate are having a little chat about Kryptonite and Waynes. Their discussion is interrupted by Grid who mentions something has appeared over Maine in response to Power Ring's ring's call for a new host. Maybe Brainiac? Or somebody from Apokolips? Whatever it is, it has Ultraman and the rest a bit worried. I hope it's not Mongul and his shitty Warworld.

It's not. It's just a big red tear that needed another double splash page to express its extra large dimensions. So Power Ring's ring is still off looking for a host and will probably find one on Earth. Maybe it'll even find one in one of the spin-off mini-series. Ultraman points out that the big red tear in the sky is because the creature that destroyed their world has now found New Earth. I thought that was probably Darkseid but maybe not. Or maybe so. One of those.

Forever Evil #5 Rating: -4 Ranking for the portrayal of Deathstroke. I didn't like the way he was being used up until this point but to have him switch sides because of a brief argument by Lex that Slade should have already thought of himself was the camel that broke its own back.

Batman: The Joker's Daughter #1

This font is called "A Sane Person's Version of A Crazy Person's Handwriting."

Crazy people do not write like children on a sugar high. This is how crazy people actually write:

Writing by Me. Words excerpted from "The Commuter" by Philip K. Dick.

Anyway, here we have been presented with a version of The Joker's Daughter which may not suck! I don't think we'll have the luxury of completely erasing Ann Nocenti's influence on the character, seeing as how she has the Smiley Face Creator Staff and the same old clothes. But we might get a coherent and interesting story about The Joker's Daughter anyway! Or maybe Marguerite Bennett will go the same route with Joker's Daughter as she went with Lobo! Rob Liefeld so tainted Lobo in his Deathstroke run that DC had to declare Lobo an imposter and create Twat Lobo to take his place. I don't see how this is any different! Ann Nocenti's fragrance ("Shit Writer" by Lobdell) is all over Joker's Daughter, so maybe Bennett will introduce us to the real Joker's Daughter now!

The first page shows a lot of promise and already blows away Nocenti's version of "I'm ugly but beauty is the true ugly and I'm going to make everybody ugly so that we're all beautiful like me who is ugly" nonsense.

Okay, so she falls back on the Daddy Issues thing that DC has a huge boner for. At least it's a more personal reason to go crazy than having a vendetta against the media portrayal of beauty.

A female character having Daddy Issues might be a bit of a stereotype and cliche but it's fine here in the DC Universe since just about all of their characters, male and female, have Daddy Issues. A few have Mommy Issues which is always a refreshing change of pace that barely feels like a change of pace (more like a reskin of Daddy Issues). I also appreciate that her addict need for a new rush causes her to ingest part of The Joker's face which she just fished out of sewage. It's grotesque enough to show she's really been pushed pretty far past sanity by her current circumstances rather than Ann Nocenti's manic crusader against standards of beauty.

To begin her pursuit of her "true father," The Joker's Daughter burns a busload of kids in front of a cosmetics store. Her main goal is to get Batman's attention because she thinks The Batman can help her locate Daddy. But burning children in front of a make-up store could be seen as an attack on our pop culture need to improve our looks by any means. Although it's really just a statement that says, "Hey Batman? I'm looking for a guy that wears make-up and murders people. Can you help me locate him?"

The title of this issue is called "GolGotham" which is too clever in that specific way that makes me think Marguerite has been dying to use it for years and finally found the right place. I bet Peter J. Tomasi is kicking himself that he didn't think up this one for his Arkham War titles. The other interesting thing about the title page is that it's an all female creative team if you ignore Georges Jeanty who penciled the cover and Mike Marts, Group Editor. But those two jobs are only peripherally important to the putting together of the issue. I hope Lois Lane's one shot gets the same treatment.

The Joker's Daughter didn't kill any children, unfortunately. She just loaded the bus up with mannequins, left a note so that Batman would think it was The Joker's doing, and blew it up around Batman's ears. After Batman's done investigating and browbeating the local police, he takes off with The Joker's Daughter following after on her Big Wheel with streamers. Those were the best.

Batman is probably leading Joker's Daughter into a trap because he's The Batman and she's never done any criminal masterminding previous to this. So she probably screwed it up completely and The Batman knew before even arriving on the scene that this was a copycat crime to make him think The Joker was back. He probably even knows the booby trap was rigged by a female with Daddy Issues that hangs around with an ugly cat because The Batman is fucking amazing at interpreting forensic evidence. Like the cat pus and cat tooth and drippy cat butt stuff and mangy fur that he probably found at the scene. And the note was obviously written by someone with a much daintier grip on a pen who has practiced their cursive for at least ten thousand hours.

Batman leads Joker's Daughter down into the Gotham Underground to the place where The Joker was last seen, to the place where he fell to his death (wink). He led her there because he knew she was following him because those fucking Big Wheels make that "tick tick tick tick ticktickticktick" sound as you ride them.

No way! A poor little lost drug addict girl didn't stand a chance against Batman? Oh yeah. That's how it should be! I forgot Nocenti wasn't writing this for a second.

Batman leads Joker's Daughter up and out of the sewers and into a trap by the Gotham Police. She's easily arrested and thrown in the back of a squad car with Ugly Cat. But she manages to escape although she isn't able to bring herself to kill the police. She wants to be Daddy's Girl but she's not even close to crazy enough yet. But maybe that's why she heads off to Arkham next. So she can learn the ins and outs of proper insanity and murder.

She's a fast learner!

The Joker's Daughter becomes lost in Arkham as she hallucinates from the mushroom spores she inhaled from Golgotham. So even though The Joker isn't part of Gotham's fetishization of Lewis Carroll's characters, it's time for Joker's Daughter to take a little trip through Wonderland.

This is the cutest picture of Ugly Cat so far.

The first crazy character The Joker's Daughter meets on her journey is The Anchoress. She's Arkham's first resident and the antagonist of Marguerite Bennett's first story for The New 52. I think it was in Batman Annual #2 and was called "The Night Nurse Cometh!" Or something. Anyway, The Anchoress does her thing she do and causes The Joker's Daughter to remember her past. Or not her past. Perhaps pasts that she wants to be her past, pasts that she's read about or seen on television or simply made up in her head when bored in her room as dad made dinner and mommy made her cry.

Did anybody else read "You don't know who you are" to the tune of the final line of Spider-man's cartoon theme song?

The Joker's Daughter's next stop is to the Dollmaker, the man who removed The Joker's face for him. For some reason. I don't think it was every quite adequately explained. I tried to explain it myself during The Death of the Family run but I never really felt convinced. I felt maybe The Joker was trying to expose his true self. People saw The Joker as an identity that he was hiding behind, so he cut off his face to make The Joker the mask. Now the only person he could be was the raw, tender, exposed flesh underneath the mask, as close to his true self as possible. It was a statement to Batman that he, and Batman, were their masks. Nothing mattered but who they were when wearing the masks. The Joker didn't give a shit about Bruce Wayne or Barbara Gordon or Dick Grayson. Those people were boring. Those people were the false identities. I suppose I should think it through better but who has time to write actual essays?! I'd rather just stick to "The Joker cut off his face because he's crazy!" Ah. Much better.

The Dollmkaer mentions how he's heard of The Joker's Daughter and that she takes philosophies and corrupts them. That's not a bad interpretation of Ann Nocenti's writing! I think that means that this takes place after the Catwoman story arc. And it must because Joker's Daughter has the Dollmaker sew the Joker's face to her face. The Dollmaker also has some of The Joker's blood that he collected. He keeps it in a jar in a cabinet so I'm not sure why it hasn't dried up but it hasn't! Because The Joker's Daughter injects it into her veins and kind of flips the fuck out. She heads back to her runaway hideout and tells her true story to herself.

We all do stupid things when we're young and trying to fit our fucked-up shaped selves into society's waiting round hole but most of us are lucky enough not to do anything permanently stupid like sew the rotten face of an insane clown onto our own faces. Joker's Daughter is going to have one hell of a story to tell the people she meets in her twenties.

Back in her shack, she comes to terms with her relationship to The Joker and decides he's gone for good so she'll have to become his heir and take Gotham for herself. But then she finds a note tied to Ugly Cat that says "Hello Beautiful" and realizes it's from Daddy. That we will eventually be back. And that the person she just came to grips with is a hollow shadow of The Joker and anything she does will be destroyed when he returns. So while she was searching for him to make her life exciting, she seems to have found herself. But she loses that person when she finally gets what she wanted and realizes The Joker is still out there.

Or something. Maybe I should have just begun this whole commentary not understanding anything instead of pretending I understood it! It's hard trying to make sense of crazy people.

The Joker's Daughter #1 One Shot Rating: I have yet to decide how I'm going to archive these one shots. Do they get their own page? Do I rank them against other One Shots? Do I just let them disappear into the archives? This was a good look at The Joker's Daughter since it's the only really coherent look at her and her motivations so far. DC seems to love this character for some reason. I suppose because the character was a fan favorite in the Preboot Universe and so she sold well when returning to The New 52 even if she was being written by Ann Nocenti. On the DC Comics All Access page, they write all sorts of nonsense like "Very few characters have made an impact on The New 52 quite like the murderess madwoman knows as The Joker's Daughter" and "the most deadly new location in the DCU -- The Gotham Underground" and "You should expect big things out of The Joker's Daughter this year." Who the fuck is running DC to think that The Gotham Underground and The Joker's Daughter have been exciting to anybody in the DC Fandom? For fuck's sake, they've been given to us by Ann Nocenti! Is anybody at DC reading her bile? Have they been paying attention at all? Apparently DC's decision makers don't give a shit about the execution of ideas; they just like getting smoke blown up their asses about some exciting idea a writer has come up with, even if it's as stupid as The Gotham Underground. I don't know who to blame because the small print list of DC's Employees and their positions at he bottom of the All Access page doesn't include the position of "Employee Assigned To Insert Straws Up the Asses of The People in Charge."