Green Arrow #29

The Axe Clan's emblem is a cock and balls.

The attributes of each clan were making fairly decent sense up until The Axe Clan appeared. What makes a person with an axe wise and truthful? Bravery makes sense because you have to get into close combat while swinging a fairly poorly weighted weapon. It's not foolhardy like just using your fist would be and not cowardly like relying on a shield. But wisdom and truth? Those must be metaphorical! Am I supposed to recall some parable about how an axe is a simple truth? Maybe it represents the wisdom of Solomon because Solomon was going to chop that baby in twain with an axe because he was so wise. That's weird. Nobody ever called Michael Myers or Jason Voorhees wise and they chopped a lot of people in half.

I'm sure the Sword and Arrow Clan covers are available online (and just mentioning them will cause somebody to comment on the clan attributes!) but let me try to guess their attributes now. Arrow will have Precision, Balance, and Focus. Sword will have Balance (if Arrow doesn't! If Arrow does, then make this attribute Stabbiness), Speed, and Power. The last clan, The Owl Clan, will have Douchiness, Secrecy, and Gloryholes.

Last issue, Oliver just found out his father was still alive, got scared that his dad might find out that Ollie destroyed the family business, and ran into the jungle to hide. Some other stuff happened too but I don't think it was very important to the overall story. Naomi and Henry were still doing nothing but eating pizza and flirting with each other. I guess The Spear Clan being overthrown by The Fisting Clan was notable. It was probably also some kind of hidden lesbian agenda as they toppled the patriarchal phallus wielders to replace them with a mightier sexual instrument of penetration, the Fist. The leader of the Fisting Clan was female, so I might have sussed out Lemire's secret plot point.

This is practically like my drawing from The Movement #10 Commentary! A balloon and a scapegoat!

Komodo, the current leader of The Arrow Clan (although he doesn't have the Arrow Totem so he's more like a regent or an usurper or a powerless figurehead), gives a rousing speech to the people loyal to The Outsiders. These people include the Spear Clan, the Shield Clan, the Fisting Clan, and the Arrow Clan. They also kind of include his fake daughter, Emiko (actually the daughter of Shado and Robert "Richard" Queen), although not for long. You see, he told her that her mother, Shado, had died years ago. But now Komodo mentions that Shado might be among the people coming to destroy The Outsiders with Green Arrow and Emiko is backstage listening. The only reason Emiko has been driven to train so hard and why she's full of anger was to kill Oliver Queen, the son of the man that supposedly killed her mother. But if her mother is not dead, that means her fake dad is a liar (which should be obvious since he's not a member of The Axe Clan and also doesn't even fucking own The Totem Arrow of Truth). It looks like it's time for Ollie's half-sister to switch half-sides!

Green Arrow has come to Prague alone to defeat Komodo. At this point, I'm not sure why he's bothering. You see, I've forgotten what his motivation was! Magus was kind of leading him blindly by the hand for awhile and I think Ollie was interested in finding out what happened to his father. He's also searching for some vague triple dragon threat. I think the dragons were Shado, Komodo, and Richard Dragon, Master of Kung Fu. I think the bottom line is Ollie just needs to punch Komodo in the teeth for destroying his business and killing one or two of his friends. Maybe he also needs to stop The Outsiders from taking over the world. If I were Ollie, I would have just given it all up when I found out my father was alive and had been manipulating me for years. I would have just walked away, bought a Volkswagen Bus, and hit the road to wander forever without a care in the world. Except maybe how to afford gas for the car and food for my tummy.

Your mistake was actually giving a fuck and heading to Prague to be a big, bad hero.

Ollie's first comment to the Spear Clan Members surrounding him is, "Komodo still nursing his missing eyeball?" That's just a disturbing image. Even if you could nurse something that was missing, where would you stick the nipple in the eyeball?

The Spear Clan's rebuttal is "DON'T YOU FUCKING DISRESPECT OUR GIGANTIC MIGHTY SPEARS WHICH WERE THE FIRST WEAPON IF YOU IGNORE FISTS AND CLUBS AND POSSIBLY SLINGS!" And it's right about then that I realize this comic book is finally making me smile. I'm actually enjoying Green Arrow! You know what that means? The lasting effects of horrible writers on comic books are not permanent! I have shed my hatred of Green Arrow based on Krul and Nocenti! I can see again with clear eyes and a jubilant heart! And you know what that means that this means that?! The Teen Titans and Red Hood and, although very improbable, even Roy Harper can come back from the taint of Mister Scott Lobdell! Oh! And Catwoman! She can be made whole given enough time away from the putrefying typewriter of Ann Nocenti! Glory on Most High! Hallelujah! Praise Jesus!

Speaking of Jesus, did anybody else watch the first episode of the new Cosmos with Neil deGr"Fuck Pluto in the"asse Tyson? I enjoyed how they took a subtle shot at religion when he was speaking about the Cosmic Year. Right there in the last seconds of the Cosmic Year, he pointed out when each of the major religious Holiest of Holy Men were born. Kind of insignificant in the grandeur and enormity of space and time, really.

Part of the reason I'm enjoying Green Arrow (aside from the beautiful ability of the mind to slowly erode the memory and allow one to forget the trauma caused by earlier experiences) is that he's using and talking about his goofy trick arrows. These things need to be one of the characters of this comic book. I demand a new trick arrow every fucking issue! Lemire has presented two already in this issue: The Thunderclap Arrow which is really just one of his usual noise producing things and the Umbrella Arrow which casts a wide net of green fire or electricity or slime or something. Whatever it does specifically, it helps to distract and take down some of the Spear Clan.

And then Ollie reminds me why he's doing what he's doing.

It was just for revenge! And, I suppose, to save his little sis. But now he needs to save the world too!

Meanwhile in Seattle, Diggle, Naomi, and Henry Fyff are holding down the pillow fort. Since Green Arrow is busy with all that Outsiders bullshit, he can't stop Richard Dragon, Master of Kung Fu from taking over Seattle. So it's up to Diggle and his old buddy, The Clock King, to take down Dick Dragon themselves. I hope this winds up more exciting than it sounds. It's bad enough when the best part of the action is a guy shooting arrows out of a bow. Now we've got a bunch of non-super-powered nobodies facing off against the Master of Kung Fu! I don't think they stand a chance! I bet Clock King gets himself killed again.

And back in Prague where the actual "super hero" is busy saving the world, the actual "super hero" has suddenly failed to save the world. He found The Spear Clan's super secret hideout but it was filled with Spear Clan members, as well as Fist Clan members and Arrow Clan members. So he's captured practically instantly. Too bad he didn't bring Shado along with him.

Ha ha ha! I didn't know Onyx was putting "superhero" in quotation marks as well! I think I might be a lesbian supervillain and master of Fisting!

Onyx gives him a taste of her Fist which is less exciting than it sounds because he keeps his pants on. And then Komodo gives Ollie a taste of his Arrow when Emiko is too much of a little girl to put an arrow in Ollie's head.

Too bad for Queen, Komodo isn't also a little girl.

Green Arrow #29 Rating: +5 Ranking! Most of that is for Green Arrow being shot in the face! Ha ha! Stupid! Now what happens? Does Kevin Smith come in to begin writing a resurrected Green Arrow? Do we find out that Komodo uses trick Steve Martin arrows? Maybe the arrow passed safely between the hemispheres of Ollie's tiny brain? Maybe I never have to read another Green Arrow comic book ever again? Although that would be a bit disappointing since I really enjoyed this issue of the series. Finally! I still think he's a stupid super hero. But I'm enjoying this new version of him. Especially since he lost the old Robin Hood goatee.

Green Arrow #28

This fisting joke writes itself and then goes back in time to fuck its own grandfather.

I wish one of the hands on The Fist Icon was wearing a ring because it's practically goat.se with four hands. Seriously though. DC Comics has come a long way from the days when they got upset at Simon Bisley for drawing a penis in Lobo's arm muscles. Now they have a guy in ecstasy and pain from taking a fist in the ass right on the cover with an image of the person doing the fisting inset with a bloody fist! And under that a goat.se swastika! What the fuck is going on over at DC's offices these days? I'm guessing lots and lots of opiates.

The issue begins with Oliver Queen's father saying, "Surprise! Daddy's home! How's the business going?" And Ollie is all, "Um. Uh. Yeah, dad. About that. Didn't you say how you always wanted to be a painter?"

Oliver learns that his dad faked his own death and stranded Oliver on a desert island in order to protect Oliver. Then he forced him to have adventures written by J.T. Krul and Ann Nocenti to strengthen and toughen him for the battles ahead. It was the only way they could go up against The Outsiders and survive.

He's not the only one that hates you for what you put him through! Just think of what you put us through?! Two years of shit for comics!

Anyway, that explains away the first two years of this comic book. Although I'm not sure Oliver really learned much during his time being written by Krul and Nocenti. He was still a selfish, childish, immature brat during those times. But I suppose we have to fake it if we want to leave those memories behind us. And that's just what I'm going to do! I'm finally going to let this comic's past failures go! I will get on board with Lemire and pretend that whatever he writes is how things happened.

I should probably do the same thing for Katana so that when she enters The Outsiders War here, I won't bitch and moan and kick my feet the entire time.

I should but I'm almost certain I won't!

Ollie's dad clears up all the hazy bits and makes sense of the entire story so far. The only part that doesn't make sense is why, as a father and husband, he sacrificed his family to take over The Outsiders. I suppose he's saving the world or something. Although it might not matter since Kodiak finds them all and bashes Ollie and Shado in the kidney's with his shields.

He's a DC Character, isn't he?

Oliver puts Kodiak down with an arrow to a kidney and then he takes up the Shield Totem and coldcocks his father with it. Then he tells Shado that he doesn't like her very much and pouts off into the jungle.

Meanwhile in Seattle, Diggle has returned to Seattle to put a stop to Richard Dragon, Master of Kung Fu. He'd like Green Arrow's help but since Green Arrow is on vacation, he settles for help from Naomi and Henry. I hope he likes working with people who spend eighty percent of their work hours goofing around. Maybe that's why decided to team up with Clock King! So someone can keep an eye on their time cards.

And way over in Prague, Komodo (faux leader of the Arrow Clan) and Onyx (leader of the Fist Clan) stage a coup, killing Golgotha (leader of the Spear Clan and head of The Outsiders) and taking power for themselves. Little Emiko watches from the shadows and smiles. She'll probably be important in the upcoming war since she's Ollie's little half-sister.

Green Arrow #28 Rating: +2 Ranking. Reading a Green Arrow comic still doesn't fill me with wonder and excitement but I have to give it kudos for telling a coherent story about a kid that's been used by his father and everybody else in the world around him to the point that he no longer trusts anybody. He and his sister Emiko are going to have some huge therapy bills in the future.

Green Arrow #27

Is this cover a Blue Shield joke? I suppose all of the clans are going to have an associated color! The shield equals hope while the arrow equals willpower!

Oliver Queen (I keep wanting to call him "Oliver North" or "Oliver Green") has finally found the Arrow Totem but the comic book ended before he could get his hands on it last month. Also not happening before the comic book ended last month: Green Arrow became interesting! Ha ha! Take that, you non-super-powered archer! You're worse than Aquaman! At least he can have tea and crumpets with dolphins. What can you do? Shoot a boxing glove at somebody's face and make a lame quip as you do it? What a jerk!

Now that Green Arrow finally has a competent writer, I feel like I can really hate him like I used to without feeling like I'm kicking him while he's down and bleeding out and not breathing and practically dead. I'd like to say I've never been a fan of Green Arrow but a much younger version of myself did enjoy seeing what kind of stupid arrows he would wind up shooting at the bad guys. He never seemed to think the time was right for a normal arrow through the heart though. That was disappointing.

This issue begins by pointing out that I was wrong about Green Arrow finding the Arrow Totem. It seems he found the place where the Arrow Totem once was.

Oh come on! If you know more than you've been telling, spill it! Stop being mysterious for the sake of being mysterious! And also for the sake of contrived plot tension!

Let me guess: everyone is going to jump out from behind some rocks and yell "Surprise!" now, right? It's Ollie's birthday and they've all pitched in and purchased him his own Arrow Totem! But nobody appears. Instead, Ollie shakes Shado and demands she tell him what she knows. But she only tells him that he already knows what she knows! But I don't think he does! And I don't really care if he knows or not! She should tell me! Maybe the Arrow Totem has been inside of Oliver all along! No, no. This isn't some happy-go-lucky Afternoon Special. Besides, that would be really uncomfortable. Before Shado can tell Ollie her secret (which I don't think she was willing to tell anyway), Lemire thinks up some loud drums to distract Green Arrow from seeking the truth. Whew, that was a close one! The readership almost found out too much too quickly! Thank goodness for Native Island Contrivances like war drums!

Or a bunch of maniacs banging on their shields.

The Shield Clan is the worst clan ever. So boring! I would be embarrassed to have become a part of the Shield Clan. I would have at least brought a Kite Shield.

Meanwhile in Japantown in San Francisco, Katana is breathing a sigh of relief that she's finally going to get the chance to be in a decent comic book. Magus visits her and says, "All the shit you've been through, it was all tied up with this group called the Outsiders. I need your help for mysterious and unclear reasons which I won't tell you. But I will promise you answers to all of your questions! And you will get to kill people! Are you ready to join me?" And Katana says, "You had me at no more Ann Nocenti." And Magus goes, "I never sai...." And Katana put her sword up to Magus's lips and whispered, "Shhh."

Meanwhile back on Arrow Totem Island, Green Arrow and Shado shoot a bunch of arrows at the Shield Clan. The results are...well, you know. What you would expect. A bunch of shields with arrows sticking out of them. But Green Arrow has more than just regular arrows! Remember how I remembered that about him earlier?! Remember?! He doesn't use his Boxing Glove Arrow which is the one that always needs to be mentioned because it's the most iconic. Instead he chooses his Explosion Arrow which would seem really fucking dangerous, especially for a guy who doesn't like to kill. I suppose he usually saves that one for when he's trapped behind a big steel door or when he needs to blow a hole in the side of a mountain to get to the Arrow Totem. He also uses a Net Arrow and a Fire Arrow and that Arrow that The Weapon Expert Formerly Known as the Alive Weapon Expert made for him. You know the one! The one that covers the person in hardening foam? I think the guy's name was Jax. Also, maybe he didn't invent that arrow. That one may have been invented by the Techie That is Overweight and Has a Crush on Naomi. I can't fucking remember his name at all but I think it began with a "P".

Anyway, Ollie defeats all of them except for their leader Kodiak who drops out of the sky! I guess he has a Hover Shield. Maybe that's what he calls his helicopter.

Don't your boys have to be conscious and/or alive to learn from your example?

Green Arrow and Shado flee from Kodiak because his shield is too powerful for them. Also, he broke all of their arrows when he crashed down on top of them. Now the only way Ollie is going to be able to defeat Kodiak and his Shield Totem is to find the last arrow left on the island: The Boxing Glove Arrow! I mean, The Totem Arrow!

Green Arrow takes Shado back to the place where he became a man. It didn't matter that he became a man by doing it to another man. That's how some men become men! It's just kind of weird because I think Green Arrow is heterosexual. But hey! What happens in college (or on deserted islands) stays in college (or on deserted islands)!

Sexual!

As Ollie and Shado near the place where Oliver became a new man, Shado decides to get mysterious again. "You know why you're here, Oliver! It wasn't a coincidence, Oliver! Just think about all the tropes that have gotten you to this point, Oliver! What's the last trope that you'd totally expect? Come on! Whose responsibility is it to make certain that the son becomes a man-fucker? I mean a man?! Well, don't think about it too long because he's going to answer the question for you, you stupid dishrag! I mean douchebag!"

Yay! It's Dicky Queen! Whose first name isn't actually Richard even though he was called Richard a few issues ago and then his name was corrected to something else that I can't remember because it was in no way as good as Dicky Queen!

Green Arrow #27 Rating: +2 Ranking. This ranking is mostly for Sorrentino's art which is fabulous. But that Shield Clan was shit. What a bunch of stupid assholes. No wonder they get sent in first! They get no respect and they don't deserve any! I suppose they showed how their "stability" was their downfall, resorting to traditional shield tactics while Ollie has entered the modern age with Boxing Glove Arrows. Anyway, Ollie still needs to deal with Kodiak but next issue can't be a Shield Clan cover again, so I suppose it's going to be an Arrow Clan cover since Dicky Queen just showed up with the Arrow Totem. Although it could be a Sword Clan cover since Katana is being brought in by Magus. Of course I'm the only one that doesn't know what the next cover will be because, before any internet assholes can scoff at me and tell me to take a look at the solicits once in a fucking while, I don't motherfucking look at the Goddamn motherfucking solicits. Get off my back!