Batwing #29

This looks like a scene from an 80s era music video by a sensitive rocker with a broken heart.

Forget Batwing. I'm feeling a bit pissed off right now and spiraling into "quitting the whole damn site" mode. I just discovered a tumblr entry where an anonymous asshole copy and pasted my entire Killer Croc #1 commentary and submitted it to somebody else's blog without attribution to me. And, of course, the fucking thing gets twelve times as many notes as my original received. Meaning if any of those readers actually liked the entry, they had no idea that my site, and hundreds of other shitty entries just like the Killer Croc entry, exists. Well, fuck you, anonymous dickhole, for ruining my morning. And this upcoming Batwing commentary.

I guess I'm going to have to start placing random lines of attribution inside my commentary with links back to my site. I don't mind when somebody steals my schtick and basically begins doing exactly what I'm doing, but when somebody takes my lovingly crafted words which I've molded into little sentences and raised until they could toddle off into paragraphs? That's messed up. This is fucking depressing.

Batwing is also having a rough day (not quite as rough as mine since only his sisters were stolen and not his mind babies) so he decides to make a living tapestry of drug dealers on one of Gotham's bridges. You know who else makes living tapestries?! The Joker! I answered for you because I don't have time to wait for your answer via email. Or to find your answer in the comments of somebody else's blog. Anyway, Alfred loves it because it affords him a moment to tell Batman that he told Batman so.

"Hey Alfred? Can you say severance? How about food stamps?"

Is this a good time to mention that this was written by Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea? No? Maybe later then, you buzzards. Hyenas. Raccoons. No, no! Not raccoons! You thieving bastards don't get to be compared to one of my favorite animals even if raccoons are also thieving bastards.

Alfred isn't satisfied with the "I told you so." He decides to mention how Batwing might do something really stupid soon and that, if he does, it's all Batman's fault. Batman punches the console of the Batplane instead of Alfred's smug face. He probably stands to lose more money if he punches the help than if he damages his multimillion dollar plane.

Over at Elliot Beach Amusement Park because it appears Gotham City has more than one amusement park (or had before some other guy burned down the other one. You know who did that? The Joker!), a bunch of teenagers (or maybe jobless twenty somethings (or possibly down on their luck thirty somethings (unless they're bitter and resentful forty somethings))) party the night away into the later night. They're getting drunk by shooting beers. One of them is also filming the party which means something bad is going to happen soon, like a kaiju attack or an ancient witch that's never seen but will make you masturbate in a corner for some reason or a train derailment which will release a spider alien amidst walkmen and payphones and 70s songs. Or maybe they'll be overrun by rats! Rats in little tuxedos with canes and monocles and little top hats.

Uh Oh! A noise! What could it be?! Not The Joker, stupid. Rats. Probably.

In a surprise twist that isn't really a surprise twist, the kids find the beaten and nearly dead Tamara Fox! I was thinking this was the big monster reveal moment when it was actually just the big cold opening moment or else I would have totally guessed they would find a body! I should have been paying attention to how many pages have passed. Although that wouldn't have helped, I guess, since The X-Files often had cold openings where the monster attacked. This was more like a Bones cold opening where some random yahoo stumbles upon a body in a weird way.

It turns out Tamara has severe brain damage from using Crystaldeath. That means Batwing is about to flip the fuck out in The Gotham Underground. I currently hate The Gotham Underground but that's only because Ann Nocenti created it and wrote about it. It was awful. It was full of awful people. Although I thought it would be more entertaining when Catwoman first heard about it from some gnome-like creature that was probably a real estate gnome desperately trying to move some shitty underground locations.

Batwing finds one of the Rooks that lead to the Underground and gets his first look at the stupid place. Eventually he winds up in a war with Anubis and his gang of jackal-headed dildos. That's what happens in The Gotham Underground if you're an Above Grounder! You wind up in a war! That's what happened to Catwoman. I bet that's what happened to The Joker too! He probably joined one of these shitty Underground Gangs that wear stupid masks (although the jackal masks are a nice touch. Anubis's gang is the best gang invented for The Gotham Underground so far. Probably because it's the first one not created by Ann Nocenti) and is running around undercover underground.

Batwing wonders how nobody knows about this place but what he should really be asking is how does Batman not know about this place. Or The Court of Owls. They're all part of the Great Underground Empire. If one of the gangs aren't called The Grues, I'm going to be personally offended. For some reason. Did I use being offended correctly?

Eventually Batwing winds up falling nearly to his death (again) because the depth of The Great Underground Empire is equal to the height of Gotham's tallest buildings. He winds up landing in an underground lake where he runs into something that is probably impervious to the Elvish Sword.

I find myself thinking something I never, ever thought I'd think in my entire lifetime: "Where's Aquaman when you need him?"

Batwing #29 Rating: +1 Ranking. Most of that ranking belongs to Alfred but some of it goes to the fact that Gray and Palmiotti gave Tamara brain damage. If later she recovers due to some experimental Wayne Enterprises technology, I'm taking the ranking back! The art was fine. What I'd expect from a comic book if I didn't expect anything but comic book art. And this was written by me, Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea, you fucking cocks. Luckily I can't think of anything else to do with my remaining years on this stupid planet, so I guess I'll just keep doing this because I enjoy doing it. But I need a way to enact vengeance for next time theft happens! I need a Lucius Fox working on revenge taking technology.

Batwing #28

This is the kind of comic book cover that I'll stare at for well over five minutes before deciding I have absolutely nothing to say about it and skip the caption. It's the only way I can move on! It's difficult though! It throws off the entire routine by not placing a caption under the scan of the cover. And there's nothing I hate more than a break in routine! Except maybe my father. No, no! That was a joke! Ha ha! Look at me making jokes that aren't funny at all!

Last issue, Batwing was a victim of Gothtopia. This issue, I think he'll have forgotten all about Gothtopia because he has bigger concerns. His sister has been kidnapped by Rat Catcher. She's bait to lure in Lucas Fox so that The Victimizer can kill him. The Victimizer hates Lucas Fox because he knew him when he was younger and all that bastard Lucas ever did was try to help him. But he helped him in a way that wasn't the way The Victimizer wanted to be helped, so now The Victimizer hates Lucas Fox. Geez. Let it go! Now you've lived your whole life through the lens of your hatred of Lucas Fox who never tried to be anything but your friend, Victimizer! This is what people mean when they say forgiveness sets you free! Shit, you don't even need to forgive! You know how people say "forgive and forget?" The forgetting part is actually the only part you need to worry about! Then you can move on and live your life according to your own passions and not be tied up in vengeance and hate and bitter resentment!

I suppose The Victimizer also has a pretty steady drug business selling Viper to unambitious people whose dreams have died, stillborn and forgotten. So I guess he's moving on with his life a bit.

The Victimizer lives in Gotham Underground, "The most deadly new location in the DCU!"

Commissioner Gordon is trying to figure out a way to combat the rise in drug activity in Gotham, mostly due to Viper which is also called Snakebite and is commonly known as Crystaldeath. One of Gordon's coworkers thinks the public need to be educated on the dangers of Crystaldeath. Really? You think the name isn't a big enough clue? If people decide to take Crystaldeath even when it's called Crystaldeath (hell, even Snakebite and Viper are big clues that it's poison), I'd say they're making an informed enough decision! You don't see me going around eating Heart Attack Fruit or Cancer Causing Chitlins, do you?

I mean, I do ingest things that probably contribute to heart attacks and cancer but at least they're not labeled as such! Although if I'm being truly honest with myself (which I very rarely am), I'm pretty sure I'd still eat Oreos if they were called Death Cookies of Death. Which, I'm sure, some might argue they should be relabeled as.

Meanwhile Batwing takes to the streets for information so he asks some of the local gangs what they know about Viper and its distributors so that he can locate his sister, Batsister.

I dream of doing this to Lord Google, the sanctimonious bastard.

Batwing should probably rethink the way he deals with the public because instead of answers to his questions he gets bullets to his face.

After Batwing declares he's worse than Batman, he beats the shit out of the criminals in exactly the same way Batman does! Broken bones and grappling hooks through meaty, succulent, tasty flesh. And it works just as well because Batwing learns that the way to get in touch with the people that sell Viper is to find a rat and say, "Hello, Mr. Rat. Pleased to meet you. Would you like some cheese? No? You're busy? Okay, enough small talk. I want to get fucked up and possibly die so could you get me some of that sweet, sweet Crystaldeath? Okay. Thanks!" Then the rat skitters away and a few hours later, you have some Crystaldeath! And a few hours after that, brain damage!

Batwing is lucky that some rats nearby watch his interrogation of the drug dealer and relay the information back to Rat Catcher. This way, Batwing doesn't have to possibly embarrass himself by talking to a bunch of rats. Batwing seems like one of those guys that never wants to be fooled so he never believes anything he reads on the internet. Just in case!

Okay, DC! When are you going to release a monthly comic called The Rat Pack starring Rat Catcher, Mouse, and Pied Piper? And introducing Rat King who is made up of five friends who met in college and had themselves surgically sewn together. And they're all female which causes people to always ask the same question: "Why Rat King?" They then respond with several overly dramatic sighs during which they call up the Rat King entry on Wikipedia on their cell phones and force the person to read it.

The Victimizer comes to visit Rat Catcher and points out that the place smells really, really badly. Then Rat Catcher references Perfume because I guess that's how he stands the smell. Or does he mean he's created a perfume that smells like virgins from a virgin and he breathes deep of it in his mask to offset the rat piss smell? He doesn't really elaborate past asking The Vicimizer if he's ever read Patrick Süskind.

And then The Victimizer kicks the crap out of Rat Catcher and steps on his Bell Jar Gas Breather Rat Pal after breaking the Bell Jar Gas Breather Rat Pal helmet. And I instantly hate and despise The Victimizer! How dare he?! I hope Rat Catcher lives his entire life seeking revenge against The Victimizer in much the same way I just recently said that nobody should live their life!

Once The Victimizer learns that Batwing was asking about Lucas Fox's sister, he kidnaps Tiff, Lucas Fox's other sister, as well. He then leaves a note in the blood of a neighbor on the wall that says, "Master Torres was right." I suspect that alludes to the man that taught Luke and Russell (The Victimizer!) self-defense. So now Batwing knows who has his sisters. He just needs to figure out where they're being kept. Here's a hint, Batwing: "It's the most deadly new location in the DCU!"

Batwing #28 Rating: +2 Ranking. I really, really, really, really like Rat Catcher. And I really, really, really, really hate The Victimizer. I guess I just love rodents.