Stormwatch #27

I hear Crayola Timelords burn for thirty minutes.

This book is just all over the fucking place. Last issue was a thinly veiled morality play warning the readers about the dangers of Fundamentalist thought. It was kind of a time out issue where Stormwatch learned the motivations of The Crayola Timelords as Excremax the Ohmergerd and Mordak the Who? stood by and waited for Stormwatch to return to Earth. Each group had one piece of some cosmic thingamajig or something. Fuck. Who cares, right? This comic book went off the rails a long fucking time ago and it's just barreling across the landscape running over children and stray cats on its way to plummeting over a cliff into Cancellation Canyon.

One of the many civilians on board Skywatch that do contract work like cooking fish sticks and tater tots every Wednesday or unclogging the toilet after Midnighter gets through with it (look, he knows everything's secret weakness! He probably destroys every toilet bowl he sits on through sheer instinct) has been stealing Stormwatch secrets and passing them on to Martian Manhunter. J'onn is probably curious about Stormwatch because he keeps having a recurring dream that he once worked for them but nobody remembers him working for them because he erased all of their memories but then he lost his memory of working for them as well because none of that ever happened in this Magenta Timeline. Unless we're in the Black Timeline now. I told you I'm not paying close enough attention to this train wreck anymore. Anyway, that civilian's memories are erased and he's fired without pay and he probably also has to reimburse Stormwatch for any food he ate while on Skywatch. It was all right there in the fine print in the contract he signed, right next to the part where he wasn't supposed to steal any Fizzy Lifting Juice.

This issue is finally going to get to Stormwatch's plan to defeat the Crayola Timelords. They're going to meet up with Excremax the Ohmergerd and Mordak the Who? to offer to team up with them against the Crayola Timelords. I think the negotiations will involve a bunch of punching each other in the face until the Crayola Timelords arrive to fuck with time and everyone goes, "Oh hey! Let's punch those assholes in the face now!"

Looks like the meeting is off to a successful start!

Storm Control has decided to send a small group to deal with the negotiations consisting of Jenny Soul, A-I (still in The Engineer's body), Apollo, and Hellstrike. I know Hellstrike is only along as a bodyguard but do you think it's really a good idea to send a racist, homophobic asshole into a diplomatic situation? What if Excremax the Ohmergerd declares that each of the members of the diplomatic party have to cup his testicles to swear allegiance and Hellstrike declares, "I don't make deals with Nancy boys!" I guess then Apollo would melt Hellstrike's face. So maybe that's why Apollo is there!

You know, I don't like this plan at all. Just send in Midnighter. He's the guy to get the job done. Why the fuck is he being left back on Skywatch? Storm Control has no idea what he's doing.

Maybe I should discuss the battle. First let me show you the "battle" between Apollo and Mordak the Who?

Knockout in three panels! I think.

What the fuck kind of a fight scene was that? Mordak grabs Apollo! Oh no! How will Apollo get free!? Um, who the fuck knows since all we get is a close up of Apollo's face and then Mordak is split right down the middle. By the look on his face, I'd guess Apollo simply clenched his butt cheeks really hard and Mordak was destroyed.

Meanwhile Storm Control finally removes his space suit to reveal his true identity.

Maybe it's not true in the strictest meaning of the word true. Unless he actually is Martian Manhunter and not just doing a really good cosplay of him. It's hard to know what the fuck is what since the Crayola Timelords fucked with the timeline!

Back aboard Excremax the Ohmergerd's ship (it might be called Warworld unless Jim Starlin has come up with a different name for the same fucking idea he keeps having), the negotiators continue their negotiations. Back on Earth, Storm Control disguised as Martian Manhunter attempts to enter A.R.G.U.S. so that he can destroy the information that the real Martian Manhunter apparently stole. This might wind up being a Tyler Durden situation. But before any more can be revealed on Earth, Hawkman interrupts and forces the story to bounce back to the negotiations. Damn it all! Can't you finish one scene at a time, Jim Starlin?!

Apparently Excremax the Ohmergerd notices that a Crayola Timelord has traveled to Earth's distant past to destroy the human race before they ever appear. But he apparently fails, time travel being what it is, since none of the humans in Stormwatch suddenly wink out of existence. Time travel also being what it is (I'm going to keep saying that until it makes sense), Excremax and Jenny Soul travel back in time to stop the Crayola Timelord which they must do. Time travel, you know, being what it is.

Not Mordak the Where?! Mordak the Who?!

Excremax and Jenny Soul wind up in the time of dinosaurs which would be one of those eras that ends in an "ic." Maybe. Nobody actually knows. I guess the Crayola Timelord figured the easiest way to kill humans was to catch them when they're tiny and furry little burrowing mammals. Unless mankind was actually brought down to Earth as slaves for the Anunnaki. Maybe that's why the Crayola Timelord appeared so far in the Earth's past! He's going to have to battle the Anunnaki and destroy all of their slaves before they become mankind.

Stormwatch #27 Rating: No change. Fuck this issue! Lobo didn't even make an appearance! And Midnighter was benched! And Hawkman had a guest appearance? I don't think they could have gotten a worse hero to guest star! And why was he so angry at J'onn J'onzz? Oh wait. Hawkman is always angry. Never mind. I suppose I owe some reader an apology. I don't remember the reader but this person once said that he or she just stopped buying a comic book (I think it might have been Swords of Sorcery) when they found it was cancelled. I thought that was an incredibly stupid thing to do, especially if you like a comic book. Who cares if you know the story is going to stop sometime in the future? Well, now I think I know how this reader felt. Stormwatch has been falling apart for so long that now that I know it's over soon, I'm barely giving it much thought. I know I'm not going to really need to remember what's going on for the last few issues! Hell, I haven't been following what's actually going on for the previous few issues! Maybe I should just stop reading it! No, no. They can't leave Lobo out of the story entirely for two issues running. Besides, he has to extinguish the Pilot Light of the Magenta Timeline and set everything back to normal.

Action Comics #27

Aww! Is Ukur the Beast Lord looking for his widdle Monster Son?

Glancing over at my bookshelf, I'd forgotten that I have this book:

It was stacked flat on top of a bunch of Sandman Books and Alan Moore trades, lying between House of Leaves by Mark Z. Danielewski and Ring by Koji Suzuki. It was given to me by my friend Mark in Seattle quite a few years ago. I don't remember why. We were both probably very drunk at the time. Here's a picture of the back cover:

I really wish he were holding it with the back cover showing so we could get some infinite recursion going on right in front of his pee pee!

Oh wait! This is cute. This is the cover of the book without the dust jacket.

It's a very interesting book if you like reading about ding-a-lings. And it has lots of great facts like the farthest medically recorded ejaculation was 23.5 inches! I should measure from my penis to my eyeball to see if I have that beat because I'm fairly certain I've hit myself in the eye on occasion while masturbating! That's got to be about two feet, right? I should invite a doctor over to witness my display sometime!

Here's another good one. If you've recently read Genesis, it'll sound familiar. "When taking an oath, our biblical ancestors would place their hands over the testicles of a witness to indicate their sincerity and honesty. Words like "testify" and "testament" all derive from this unique association." Abraham and his descendants go all over the place cupping each others bollocks. And yet nobody runs around shouting that that tradition should be upheld! Fucking hypocrites!

One last picture before I finish reading the Penis Book and actually open up Action Comics #27.

I usually just say masturbation every time I bring it up in my commentaries! I'm so unimaginative!

If you're into books with pictures of cocks that you can leave on your bookshelf in plain view for anybody to see, I highly recommend The Penis Book. It's funny, entertaining, and full of enlightening facts about a guy's constant companion that he probably doesn't really know all that much about. Mostly guys just know where they like to stick it and they stop caring about anything else. Anyway, that's Tess Ate Chai Tea's Book Review Corner!

So Action Comics begins with Clark Kent remembering when he was seven years old and about to fling himself out of a tree because he believes that he can fly. Now, he hasn't had that moment yet where he hovers in mid-air yet, so I don't think he has any real reason to believe that he can fly except for the fact that he knows he won't die when he falls fifty feet and lands awkwardly on his neck. So why not give it a fucking go, right? Plus, he just recently nearly toasted his father with his heat vision. And if you suddenly find that your eyes fire lasers, flying should be a piece of fucking cake, right? But before he throws himself out of the tree for the fourth time in a row, his super-hearing kicks in and he hears Ma and Pa Kent talking about him.

Pa Kent: "He's a little freak, Martha!"
Ma Kent: "Don't say that, Johnny! He's beautiful!"
Pa Kent: "But he ain't human! He's hungry and he's desperate to get his fill!"
Ma Kent: "*giggle* Johnny! Stop it! What if Clark hears?!"
Pa Kent: "Oh, he's out throwing himself out of the tree. We've got time! Now come on! Kiss the little one-eyed freak!"
Ma Kent: "Okay. But I've got my own little drooling alien that's hungry too. And mine's a cannibal! It's going to feast on your freak!"
Pa Kent: "Why Martha Kent! You seductress you! Come here!"
Ma and Pa Kent: *lots and lots of sex noises*
Clark Kent: "Make it stop! For the love of God, how do I stop hearing!?"

After hearing his parents fuck long and hard, Clark finds it difficult to be around them.

Do they explain that not all babies come from outer space in a rocket ship?

Clark is having this memory because he currently has a little dragon boy in a giant cake dish curled up around Superman's cape. The little dragon boy keeps calling Superman stupid in Japanese. It seems to be the only word the kid knows. Or it just recognizes that Superman is actually that nerdy loser Clark Kent.

No, that's your name, stupid! He kind of looks a bit like Teen Titans Cartoon Beast Boy, doesn't he?

The Dragon Boy escapes and begins running around touching all of Clark's stuff. The only thing he ever says is "baka" which should make Superman question whether or not he was correct that the boy is speaking a language. Usually when somebody is speaking another language, they have more than one word for things. But everything is a "baka" to this kid! Maybe his language only has two words! One for himself and one for "The Other."

While Superman tries to figure out Dragon Boy's language (which is really difficult when Dragon Boy calls everything the same thing), Lana Lang calls and tells him she's about to go Lara Croft on the hole out of which the monster emerged. Clark points out that Lana is an electrical engineer and not an archaeologist and that maybe she should wait for somebody else. Lana points out that she's dressed just like Lara Croft plus she has a high-tech gun and what else do you need to explore ancient ruins and also go fuck yourself, Clark?

Lana Lang enters the hole while secretly being followed by Ghost Soldier. Eventually she finds an old ancient ruin with some kind of red sun magic lantern thing hovering above it. This is a bit like the DC Comics Presents issue when Superman and Hawkgirl explored an ancient ruin and were sucked into some kind of a black hole or something. Except this story is different in every single way. Like Lana Lang doesn't have wings.

And Superman was the one to fight the monsters.

At least Lana was prepared to fight giant monsters with her little electric gun she rigged up because she's an electrical engineer. I'm sure she'll be okay. Especially if she can convince the monsters to turn into children.

These must be more shapeshifting children since they're all chained to the walls. I guess their shackles must shapeshift with them. But why would they be chained in these ruins far underground? Is there a possible clue somewhere about who might be behind it?! It must be some kind of Beast Lord or something that's captured them all!

Superman shows up with his new sidekick, Baka the Dragon Boy. And Lana is happy that he's arrived to help but still fuming that Clark called her "just an electrical engineer." Although he didn't call her that. He never said "just," you jerko! He pointed out your chosen field did not grant you the same kind of expertise that you would have if you were an archaeologist and that perhaps you weren't the best suited to go down into some ancient forgotten ruin all by yourself. Especially knowing that at least one monster came out of those ruins. Stop being offended at something nobody even said, Lana. You're just arguing with your own low self-esteem at this point! He didn't even imply anything! The inference was all in your head. Now calm down and start shooting things. But not Superman. Don't shoot Superman!

Oh! Or Baka the Dragon Boy! Sheesh!

Lana and Clark argue for a bit because Lana is a total Backseat Supergirl and The Day After the Game Quarterback! She points out that Superman was supposed to throw cute little Baka the Dragon Boy into the sun. Clark points out that she doesn't sign his fucking paychecks so she doesn't get to tell him what to do. Lana points out that Baka is a monster. Clark points out that Baka speaks another language! Lana points out that it says one fucking word over and over again. Clark points out that Lana is a total bitch. Lana points out that Clark is a sexist fucktard.

Luckily, Ukur the Beast Lord arrives to break up the squabble. Although he actually just causes more trouble by zapping Baka the Dragon Boy and causing Baka to turn into Baka the Very Large and Extremely Angry Blue Dragon. It spits lightning all over the cavern, triggering a cave in. When the dust settles, everybody calms down and takes a few seconds to talk.

Ukur says, "A few words in a strange script. A few words irange scr ipt. Strange script."

Ukur points out that he and his beasts aren't enemies of the above-grounders. He and his monsters protect them from the citizens of Imperial Subterranea! Although that seems to be over now that Lana and Clark got involved. The battle caused some kind of seal to be broken and now the Queen of Imperial Subterranea is ready to take back the Above-Grounders!

Action Comics #27 Rating: -1 Ranking. I liked the first half with Baka the Dragon Boy but the second half is reminding me way too much of Scott Lobdell's Sunturians! Another fucking Imperial civilization that seems to have once ruled Earth and is ready to take it back? I think I might be tired of this story. Again! Dammit, Judd Winick. Now I owe you another quarter.

Green Lantern #27

Whenever I see Venditti's name on the cover of a comic book, I think of Demon Knights and get sad.

You know what I could watch all day, over and over? That scene in the second episode of The Venture Brothers where Brock Samson says, "They hit me with a truck." And then he proceeds to run over as many of The Monarch's henchman as he can. If I owned a club or a bar, I'd have that scene on a loop playing over and over and over again on a huge television behind the bar surrounded by dozens of bottles of expensive alcohol. Also, Doctor Girlfriend is super sexy. Deep voice, protruding Adam's Apple, and all.

Back to Hal Jordan, he's currently watching over Saint Walker in the new Green Lantern Corps Hospital. Even though Hal Jordan is on a crusade to stop other Lanterns from using the Emotional Spectrum, I bet he gives Saint Walker a pass! Because Saint Walker is useful to Hal Jordan's ring-slinging.

Well, that thankfully takes care of that! Now Hal won't look like a gigantic hypocrite. Again!

Judd Winick should get royalties every time I append "again" to a sentence.

After Hal walks away from Saint Walker calling him a fucking quitter, he meets up with Kilowog to discuss capturing the Sinestro Corps. The only problem is they have no idea where the Yellow Lanterns are. I wouldn't worry too much about them since the Yellow Spectrum wasn't refilled because Parallax never made the party. Although Sinestro did show up in the latest Forever Evil, so I guess it won't be long before he and Hal are bickering. Kilowog also reminds Hal that they have all those other one shot stories they can work on when he mentions all of the prisoners that the Green Lantern Corps let go when Relic destroyed Oa. Chasing down a certain number of antagonists is always a good back-up plot to have on hand to fill the spaces when a writer can't be bothered to think about another cosmic crisis.

The Green Lantern Corps' first new prisoners since they moved their headquarters to Mogo arrive: PB Anj's henchmen, the Braidsmen. They try to escape because that's the first thing you do in a role playing game when the Gamemaster has unfairly gotten your party arrested and is transporting you from one location to another. This time it's not very successful and they're quickly stopped although the Green Lanterns have to kill a tiny part of the universe to do it by using their Emotional Spectrum.

Yeah, Mukmuk! "Let's see you on a bike!" -- My High School Friend, Trarry Lantham.

Nobody ever says, "Let's have at each other on completely equal and fair footing and see who bests the other!" It's always, "You only got the better of me because you had an advantage! Why don't you get rid of your advantage and give me an advantage, and then we'll see who's the strongest!" I don't know what would constitute a fair and equal fight against a humanoid and a giant fish creature though. Chess?

The entire escape was a distraction to allow a few of the Braidsmen to escape and meet up with a contact already placed within The Green Lantern Corps' civilian staff. Some of these people may or may not be Durlans. Mukmuk tries to get a headcount but he has trouble, so I'm guessing an evenly matched battle with the Braidsman should not involve math.

Anyway, the Braidsmen manage to get to Hal Jordan but not without raising the general alarm that they're loose. Their contact is a Durlan so after knocking out Hal Jordan, it takes his face. That's a pretty big surprise if you forgot to look at the cover this month.

Here's a gift, Tumblr! The Durlan mentioned gender! Now's your chance to point out why everything it just said is idiotic so you can prove how clever and enlightened you are!

Once the Durlan takes Hal Jordan's face, it decides to broadcast a message to every single citizen in the universe that has a subscription to the Green Lantern Satellite Sub-Etha Radio Channel. That message is that Hal Jordan and the Green Lanterns are a threat to the universe because their rings drain the Emotional Spectrum and once the Emotional Spectrum is gone, nobody will ever want to have sex again. Fake Hal Jordan goes on to say that the Green Lanterns don't give a shit and they will continue to use their rings. But they will arrest anybody else that tries to use the Emotional Spectrum. And since most everybody in the universe knows Hal Jordan's reputation for being a complete douchebag, they believe the message. A few panels show a few planets getting very angry although what the fuck do they care? I don't see any of the citizens running around wearing a ring. There must be a principle at play here that I'm conveniently not wanting to understand because I want to portray myself as a bit of a sociopath.

I guess the Green Lantern Corps keeps embassies on various planets around the universe because they all begin reporting in immediately that they're under attack by rioters. Then the Durlan runs back off in his Cook Disguise and the Braidsmen blow themselves up.

Even one of Hal's closest work associates (I wasn't completely comfortable saying "friend" even though they called each other friends earlier) believes the Durlan's horrible message was actually delivered by Hal!

Green Lantern #27 Rating: +1 Ranking. Fuck you, Hal Jordan! You're lucky I think you're a good character even though I hate you so much! The problem is that if Hal Jordan is really being written well, he's somebody I have no sympathy for at all. Like most of the characters in Mad Men! Now, Hal wasn't really annoying or douchebaggy in this issue which is why I had to begin my final "Review" paragraph cursing at him. I didn't get enough of that during the rest of my commentary! The most fascinating bit of this issue was the "Next Month" blurb where it says that Red Lanterns #28 will be incorporated into Green Lantern #28 AT NO ADDED COST! What are you doing, DC?! Giving away free shit?! Oh, I get it. This is an attempt to boost Red Lanterns numbers, isn't it? Well fuck! You should try boosting other titles this way! I'm all for a free comic book as often as possible!

The Phantom Stranger #15

The New 52 has been ongoing for well over two years now. Don't you think it's time to at least drop the exclamation point on "The New 52!"?

I'm going to tell a quick anecdote here because that's what I do. Regular readers understand this and put up with it or learn to skip the first few paragraphs. If you're just here to read about The Phantom Stranger #15, don't worry. I'll be getting to it very quickly. This is a short one.

So last night at one of the gas stations whose floor I clean, I overheard a conversation with a customer and the clerk. The customer was talking about how there was an ATM outside of the store where he's employed that everybody always has trouble getting to read their cards. Invariably, he has to go outside and help them with it because it takes a very special touch. He described it thusly: "It's like Excalibur. It takes the Midas Touch to get it to work." I laughed out loud but that's not unusual because I've taken to listening to podcasts while I work. Anyway, the clerk seemed to think that was a reasonable statement, so who am I to point right in their faces and laugh uproariously at the preposterous suggestion that you need Midas's Touch to free Excalibur! It's not like I'm twelve years old! I didn't feel the need to mock them at all. I did murder them both before I left though because I owe the world at least that much.

See? That was a short one! Far shorter than many of my opening rambles! And now, on to the next Chapter of Forever Evil: The Blight Years. I think The Phantom Stranger had just gotten up the courage to ask the new exchange student out on a date. But mostly he did it so he could go to the same party as Pandora and keep an eye on her since she'd begun going out with the high school quarterback.

The Phantom Stranger has currently ditched the Justice League Dark so that he and Terrance Thirteen can save Chris the Babysitter. But Dog has other plans based on mysterious ways.

The Phantom Stranger isn't buying your bullshit, Dog!

Just knock it off, Dog. You're omnipotent! Plans within plans mean nothing to you! All this interfering with mankind after giving them free will is like a child drinking his sea monkeys. Somehow. Don't ask me to explain myself! I write in mysterious ways!

Because it's his nature and he's a Dog's fucking puppet, The Phantom Stranger surrenders to Blight, betraying his Mini-Justice League Dark comrades. I don't remember if I'd previously had any respect for The Phantom Stranger before this but if I did, I'm tossing it into the trash can right now! Right on top of the empty Starbucks' cups and Oreo packages!

Blight's first goal is to extinguish the humanity of his host, Chris the Babysitter. To do this, he is going to show Chris how his family are just regular jerks and assholes like everybody else. Well, if Chris the Babysitter is anything like me, he already knows that and won't fucking care what he winds up hearing.

So Envy has remained dead! Just like The Sea King! My Seven Sins equating with The Crime Syndicate theory still holds true! It's probably less valid than Harvest being Vampire Tim Drake from the Future, but it's still possible!

As soon as Blight begins fucking with Babysitter Chris's sister, Phantom Stranger flips the fuck out and decides he can't go through with Dog's plan to work with Blight. He blasts the sins with his Stranger Danger Power and tells Thirteen to get Chris's family to safety. But since Dog works in mysterious ways and knows everything that will ever happen (that's what omniscient means! I think!), Dog probably knew that The Phantom Stranger couldn't go along with it. But Dog probably needed Blight to think The Stranger was working with him just like Dog needed Jesus to think Judas was working with him! Come on! I'm sure Jesus wasn't omniscient! Why would the Father want the Son to know everything he was thinking? The Holy Ghost also isn't omniscient. It just lies in the corner moaning as it works through an eternal hangover.

What Blight does next to The Phantom Stranger might be inappropriate for younger readers. So I'm asking all of those twelve years old or younger who read my commentaries, please cover your eyes as you scroll past this next scan.

Does this sex move have a name? Where you completely fill your lover's eyes with sperm? Catarakake?

Once again, somebody gets the whole Jesus Mythos completely wrong. How in the fuck did Judas unleash a tide of evil? Judas helped save everybody by helping Jesus get crucified so that he could die for everybody's sins. I don't think the story would have had the same impact if Jesus died old and bloated sitting in a recliner on a quiet Sunday afternoon. The Crucifixion of Jesus, if you believe in that kind of thing, actually brought about an age of good! An age where everyone has the opportunity to enter Heaven just by accepting Jesus as their Lord and Savior! It's not like Jesus was flying around the world protecting everybody from evil and kicking Satan's minions' asses while he was alive! And Judas stopped that shit from happening and everybody was suddenly miserable because their hero was now gone. If I were a Christian, Judas would be my hero! He had the hard job! He had to betray his BFF and make-out partner. Jesus had the easy part! Somebody even carried his cross up Boot Hill the day he died!

Meanwhile in The House of Mystery, John Constantine is trying to get as much information out of the little bit of consciousness left of The Sea King. But magic being magic (meaning it's unreliable and dangerous and doesn't actually exist as a matter of fact but if it did, boy would it be tough to control, amirite?), Constantine loses his bit of Sea King or it enters into his psyche. But John got what he needed. He realizes The Sea King was terrified when he died. Maybe he was terrified because he realized the bit of him that existed on New Earth, the bit that tethered him to the place and allowed him to come over, had just recently been shot dead by Pandora! Yes, I'm talking about Envy! I'm going to jam my square theory into this circle story no matter how different the shapes are! And really, squares and circles aren't that different. A circle is just a super chill square, know 'ut I'm sayin'?

Meanwhile, The Phantom Stranger continues his weird sexual relationship with Blight.

I think the Phantom Stranger is supposed to work with Blight but only so he can encourage Chris to save everybody in the end.

I read The Last Temptation of Christ by Nikos Kazantzakis many, many years ago. Some years later, I decided to rent the film from a little video place in Lincoln, Nebraska. When I returned the tapes I'd rented, the cashier, a teenage boy, repeated the movies back to me from their titles on his computer screen. When he got to The Last Temptation, he said, "And The Last Temptation of Chris." Just like after I heard the Midas guy earlier, I laughed out loud. I repeated the title back to him correctly, mainly so he'd understand why I laughed. Come on! That's funny! But he just got defensive and muttered about how was he suppose to know and he was only reading it off the computer screen. But I think that's what's happening here! It's the last temptation of Chris Esperanza. Christ was the Redeemer. He was our hope. And Chris's last name means hope. Also, Chris died and was resurrected. So The Phantom Stranger is very much reliving his time with Jesus. Except Chris the Babysitter is less impressive and he's being a really big dick right now.

Meanwhile somewhere else in the world, Nick Necro and Felix Faust are working with Ultraman to get Project Thaumaton underway. Lord Google tells me that "Thaumaton" means Wonderland. Also, one of the few hits on the word brings up a book written in Greek by David Icke. I need to find a translation of that! I bet it's crazy good! Emphasis on the crazy. Anyway, the Project, so far, consists of a Bio-Weapon that uses a Mage as a fuel source. In the first test, Mindwarp is loaded in and killed when the weapon fires. At least I think he's killed.

Looks dead to me.

Now why would they call it Project Wonderland? It makes me think of Beyond the Looking Glass since the Crime Syndicate come from a mirror world. It's a distorted mirror but at least when looked at from space, the land masses are a mirror image of our world. Perhaps it has something to do with connecting the two Earths. Also, it's a fucking weapon! I probably shouldn't look past that part. Maybe the entire thing is merely a weapon to defeat Darkseid if he ever shows his fat, smug, rock-hard, chair-loving face again.

Back to Phantom Stranger, he discovers that Chris the Babysitter wants to be Blight's host. So The Phantom Stranger, realizing he can't make Chris change if Chris doesn't want to change, he heads back to the Mini-Justice League Dark to wait for Chris the Babysitter to hit rock bottom. While he waits, The Stranger collects his teammates and heads off to Heaven to kick his fucking Dog.

The Phantom Stranger #15 Rating: +2 Ranking. Next issue of Constantine is called "Two Fingers to Heaven." Talk about blasphemy! For the very, very few that don't understand the reference, that means flipping off heaven the British way. All around good issue, this one. How's that? One fucking single line review after blathering on and on for-Goddamn-ever!

Swamp Thing #27

How come as soon as Charles Soule took over this book, every issue feels slightly pornographic?

Last issue, the part of Swamp Thing was played by Jason Woodrue. The part of the Omniscient Narrator was played by Alec Holland. The part of the long-lived French woman seeking sanctuary was played by a cup of coffee. The part of the Avatar of the Red was played by Maxine Baker's understudy, Buddy Baker. This issue, I don't know what the fuck happens because I haven't read it yet. But it looks like I might need to mention who plays the part of Alec Holland's penis next time.

Alec Holland actually decides to make an appearance this issue as he hangs about in The Green with his new BFF, The Wolf. The Wolf was an Avatar of the Green from 1754 to 1787 and not a Country Music Station like you probably assumed. It is a bit weird that you would assume that since this is a Swamp Thing comic book! Stupid weirdo. I'm Tumblr judging you! That's where I get to feel real pride in calling you out and pointing out all of your flaws because you did something that I was able to purposefully misunderstand in such a way that makes you seem like a complete asshole and makes me feel better and seem way more enlightened than you. But it's your own fault for allowing me to pretend that you thought something incredibly stupid! You really should know better.

In the Tumblr Perfect World, facetiousness would be the world's greatest crime. Which might just make me the rough beast slouching toward Tumblr. Don't worry, Tumblr. Facetiousness is also the greatest crime in the Hipster Perfect World. In both cases, most things must be taken very seriously. Sure, you can act whimsically and silly when it comes to fandoms and facial hair. Although you can't be mean when discussing other people's fandoms and you have to be overly intellectual when discussing popular culture. Also, you have to love and accept everyone, and you must hate and ridicule everything. You must overly care about all of your Followers, and you must remain dispassionate and unmoved by everyone not in your clique. I'm talking about Tumblr Perfect World in the first halves of those sentences and Hipster Perfect World in the second halves of those sentences. I probably could have made that more clear by doing it differently. But why should I bother clarifying anything to you?! You thought The Wolf was a Country Music Station!

The Wolf is currently busy trying to distract Alec from his thoughts of revenge against Woodrue.

No, they're not women. They're plants.

This issue has a new advertisement for the television show Arrow and I have just one question: Does anybody in that show ever wear a shirt?

Alec Holland is desperate to find a way out of The Green. Probably as desperate as I am to delete the comments I made above before anybody takes them the wrong way! Maybe I should just remove the header to my blog and replace it with the definition of facetious. Oh, who am I kidding? Comic books aren't serious! Nobody expects me to be serious about anything I write about, right? If you're reading this for intense treatises on improving the human condition then you probably should take a deeper look into your choices and how they brought you to this place! In much the same way that Alec Holland is doing now as The Wolf takes him to meet a resident of The Green that has tried to escape before.

Ah! Lady Weeds! I have not been this horny for a plant since my freshman year of college.

Lady Weeds acts just like Shado from Green Arrow #27. Alec needs information about how to get back to Earth and instead of telling him, she decides to be mysterious for the sake of being mysterious. She tells him he already knows. Alec reacts in exactly the same way Oliver reacted. He's a bit pissy at such a fucking dick answer. But at least Lady Weeds offers a hint to Swamp Thing that he can understand. But neither of them mention the place where The Green "pokes right through the skin of the world." Is it where the Parliament of Trees stand in the bayous of Louisiana? Maybe it's in the Fertile Crescent! Or deep within the Amazon? That's all of my guesses because I don't know anything about nature or natural places. I like to hide from the world inside man-made structures and pretend that reality isn't an objective thing that exists when I'm not taking part in it.

Oh. The riddle was easier than I expected!

I guess now Alec Holland just has to get naked and climb up their heads and into their thought rivers! Easy peasy!

Actually, he and Lady Weeds have to battle all five members of the Parliament of Trees to the death so that they can escape back to Earth. Alec seems up for it which is weird since he refused to kill just one guy (Jason Woodrue!) to maintain his job as Avatar of the Green and now he's willing to kill five ancient beings to get back to Earth? I guess they have screwed with his life on multiple occasions. Alec probably has a few bitter resentments rattling away in his brain.

Alec easily defeats the Parliament because they'd been sitting for so long that their arms and legs were asleep and they were a bit foggy waking up to being killed. But Lady Weeds gets her sexy butt cut off so that she can't follow Alec when he heads back to Earth. He blocks off the access route so she can't follow because he's an asshole and he doesn't want the prettiest plant in existence to have too many guest appearances in his comic book. So it serves him right when he arrives back on Earth but finds he can only manifest as a tree. So he lures Jason Woodrue to him so that he can steal his Avatarness.

Alec is the worst Champion of Plants ever. He doesn't mind killing the Parliament but he's got to save fucking Woodrue.

Alec uses Woodrue's power to make The Green bloom across all the oceans, making the Earth a big green ball for a brief amount of time. In that time, he demands to be made the Avatar once again and The Green, seeing his power and resolve, relents. Woodrue is left to die but Alec sends him into The Green to keep him alive. Alec also sends the Parliament (which he only humiliated and didn't actually kill, I guess) into dormancy. They are put to sleep so that they will never again interfere with his job. All that is left is Alec Holland and The Green. And of course the enemies he's made inside The Green, Lady Weeds and Jason Woodrue. Also that Country Music Station. And probably a whole bunch of others.

When he's finished with his coup, Alec is left standing around a bunch of naked bodies.

Is that Lady Weeds? And The Wolf? And the other guy? Or are they just corpses that were disposed of in the swamp by some serial killer?!

Swamp Thing #27 Rating: No change. Charles Soule made a major blunder this issue! He showed me too much of Lady Weeds and now fuck it if I don't want Lady Weeds as the main Swamp Thing! Fuck Alec Holland! He had his turn and he fucked it all up. Multiple times! Give Lady Weeds a chance!

Green Arrow #27

Is this cover a Blue Shield joke? I suppose all of the clans are going to have an associated color! The shield equals hope while the arrow equals willpower!

Oliver Queen (I keep wanting to call him "Oliver North" or "Oliver Green") has finally found the Arrow Totem but the comic book ended before he could get his hands on it last month. Also not happening before the comic book ended last month: Green Arrow became interesting! Ha ha! Take that, you non-super-powered archer! You're worse than Aquaman! At least he can have tea and crumpets with dolphins. What can you do? Shoot a boxing glove at somebody's face and make a lame quip as you do it? What a jerk!

Now that Green Arrow finally has a competent writer, I feel like I can really hate him like I used to without feeling like I'm kicking him while he's down and bleeding out and not breathing and practically dead. I'd like to say I've never been a fan of Green Arrow but a much younger version of myself did enjoy seeing what kind of stupid arrows he would wind up shooting at the bad guys. He never seemed to think the time was right for a normal arrow through the heart though. That was disappointing.

This issue begins by pointing out that I was wrong about Green Arrow finding the Arrow Totem. It seems he found the place where the Arrow Totem once was.

Oh come on! If you know more than you've been telling, spill it! Stop being mysterious for the sake of being mysterious! And also for the sake of contrived plot tension!

Let me guess: everyone is going to jump out from behind some rocks and yell "Surprise!" now, right? It's Ollie's birthday and they've all pitched in and purchased him his own Arrow Totem! But nobody appears. Instead, Ollie shakes Shado and demands she tell him what she knows. But she only tells him that he already knows what she knows! But I don't think he does! And I don't really care if he knows or not! She should tell me! Maybe the Arrow Totem has been inside of Oliver all along! No, no. This isn't some happy-go-lucky Afternoon Special. Besides, that would be really uncomfortable. Before Shado can tell Ollie her secret (which I don't think she was willing to tell anyway), Lemire thinks up some loud drums to distract Green Arrow from seeking the truth. Whew, that was a close one! The readership almost found out too much too quickly! Thank goodness for Native Island Contrivances like war drums!

Or a bunch of maniacs banging on their shields.

The Shield Clan is the worst clan ever. So boring! I would be embarrassed to have become a part of the Shield Clan. I would have at least brought a Kite Shield.

Meanwhile in Japantown in San Francisco, Katana is breathing a sigh of relief that she's finally going to get the chance to be in a decent comic book. Magus visits her and says, "All the shit you've been through, it was all tied up with this group called the Outsiders. I need your help for mysterious and unclear reasons which I won't tell you. But I will promise you answers to all of your questions! And you will get to kill people! Are you ready to join me?" And Katana says, "You had me at no more Ann Nocenti." And Magus goes, "I never sai...." And Katana put her sword up to Magus's lips and whispered, "Shhh."

Meanwhile back on Arrow Totem Island, Green Arrow and Shado shoot a bunch of arrows at the Shield Clan. The results are...well, you know. What you would expect. A bunch of shields with arrows sticking out of them. But Green Arrow has more than just regular arrows! Remember how I remembered that about him earlier?! Remember?! He doesn't use his Boxing Glove Arrow which is the one that always needs to be mentioned because it's the most iconic. Instead he chooses his Explosion Arrow which would seem really fucking dangerous, especially for a guy who doesn't like to kill. I suppose he usually saves that one for when he's trapped behind a big steel door or when he needs to blow a hole in the side of a mountain to get to the Arrow Totem. He also uses a Net Arrow and a Fire Arrow and that Arrow that The Weapon Expert Formerly Known as the Alive Weapon Expert made for him. You know the one! The one that covers the person in hardening foam? I think the guy's name was Jax. Also, maybe he didn't invent that arrow. That one may have been invented by the Techie That is Overweight and Has a Crush on Naomi. I can't fucking remember his name at all but I think it began with a "P".

Anyway, Ollie defeats all of them except for their leader Kodiak who drops out of the sky! I guess he has a Hover Shield. Maybe that's what he calls his helicopter.

Don't your boys have to be conscious and/or alive to learn from your example?

Green Arrow and Shado flee from Kodiak because his shield is too powerful for them. Also, he broke all of their arrows when he crashed down on top of them. Now the only way Ollie is going to be able to defeat Kodiak and his Shield Totem is to find the last arrow left on the island: The Boxing Glove Arrow! I mean, The Totem Arrow!

Green Arrow takes Shado back to the place where he became a man. It didn't matter that he became a man by doing it to another man. That's how some men become men! It's just kind of weird because I think Green Arrow is heterosexual. But hey! What happens in college (or on deserted islands) stays in college (or on deserted islands)!

Sexual!

As Ollie and Shado near the place where Oliver became a new man, Shado decides to get mysterious again. "You know why you're here, Oliver! It wasn't a coincidence, Oliver! Just think about all the tropes that have gotten you to this point, Oliver! What's the last trope that you'd totally expect? Come on! Whose responsibility is it to make certain that the son becomes a man-fucker? I mean a man?! Well, don't think about it too long because he's going to answer the question for you, you stupid dishrag! I mean douchebag!"

Yay! It's Dicky Queen! Whose first name isn't actually Richard even though he was called Richard a few issues ago and then his name was corrected to something else that I can't remember because it was in no way as good as Dicky Queen!

Green Arrow #27 Rating: +2 Ranking. This ranking is mostly for Sorrentino's art which is fabulous. But that Shield Clan was shit. What a bunch of stupid assholes. No wonder they get sent in first! They get no respect and they don't deserve any! I suppose they showed how their "stability" was their downfall, resorting to traditional shield tactics while Ollie has entered the modern age with Boxing Glove Arrows. Anyway, Ollie still needs to deal with Kodiak but next issue can't be a Shield Clan cover again, so I suppose it's going to be an Arrow Clan cover since Dicky Queen just showed up with the Arrow Totem. Although it could be a Sword Clan cover since Katana is being brought in by Magus. Of course I'm the only one that doesn't know what the next cover will be because, before any internet assholes can scoff at me and tell me to take a look at the solicits once in a fucking while, I don't motherfucking look at the Goddamn motherfucking solicits. Get off my back!

Batwing #27

Batwing's covers continue to be twelve times more interesting than the story inside.

Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na Batwing? Batwing? Bat. Wing?

How do you get to be a writing team at DC? Why would DC want to pay two writers when they could just hire one really acerbic and cynical piece of shit blogger to do all the writing by himself? Or herself if I were female. I mean if the blogger they decided to hire was female. Maybe Jimmy and Justin simply split the standard pay for a single writer doing the same job? Perhaps Justin Gray and Jimmy Palmiotti cannot physically be separated without great harm or possible death to one or the other? Maybe Justin Gray is simply a puppet that Jimmy Palmiotti believes is alive and so DC gives him writing credits to keep Jimmy Palmiotti from breaking down and collapsing into a world inside his own mind? I wonder why Justin Gray didn't get a credit on Harley Quinn? Does Amanda Conner lock Justin away in a trunk in the attic when she wants to spend time alone with her husband?

I suppose I could ask Lord Google about Justin Gray but then I might be disappointed that he isn't a puppet and I'd have to go lie down for awhile and rethink everything I know about the way the world works. So I guess I'll just read Batwing which was at a nice point in the story where I don't really need to remember what was happening last issue. Clean slate! Or as they say in Latin, "Benicio del Toro!"

This issue begins with Batwing remembering that he was once Flying Fox but then Gotham City became the safest city in America and now GOTHTOPIA! I forgot all about Gothtopia when I said this issue was going to be all Benicio del Toro! I wonder if every time Lucas Fox would drop down in front of the criminals and yell, "The Flying Fox will stop you!", he'd give a little wink and giggle about how his vigilante name was playing off of his secret identity name! And as he did that, the criminals would stop and look at each other confused and say, "What the fuck?" and "Did he just say Flying Fox?" and "What the fuck is a Flying Fox?" and "Actually, a Flying Fox is a type of bat, one of the 'megachiroptera' or 'megabat'!" That last guy was the smart-ass bitch of the group that none of the other criminals could stand because his stupid name was Lord Google.

Gotham City! Now with Hot Air Balloons instead of menacing Black Blimps watching your every move!

I thought about scanning this whole page because it demonstrates nicely how Gotham is not what it seems and how Lucas Fox is oblivious to what's really going on and how he hasn't shaved in a week. But I really wanted to focus on the hot air balloons and not the dog attacking that guy and the person committing suicide by jumping off of a roof. I wonder if you tried to masturbate in Gothtopia, you'd actually just wind up punching yourself in the genitals over and over again?

Lucas remembers four days ago at the Gotham Knights versus the Coast City Emerald Warriors game how he and his father got totally gay for each other in Bruce Wayne's private box. It was the feel good moment of the year! But in reality, they were probably sitting in a dumpster watching cockroaches fight over a crust of pizza while some itinerant vagabond sucked them off.

You know what they were really knocking together! GOTHTOPIA!

Lucas Fox finally realizes something might be wrong when he checks his phone and realizes it's Wednesday instead of Monday. Fuck, that happens to me all the time! Except I don't have a phone to let me know what day it really is. I just wander around like a vacant-eyed zombie until I turn on the television and wonder why Judge Judy is playing golf and think, "What the fuck? Oh! It must be the weekend!" But Lucas Fox doesn't usually have that problem, so he runs back to his lab to run some tests. Also, the phone that told him it was a different day was probably actually a piece of dog shit and his lab is probably an overflowing honey bucket.

Meanwhile, The Victimizer and Rat Catcher are busy in their actual lab creating Viper to sell on the streets. The Victimizer has taken control of four Gotham Gangs (Anubis, The Corpse Corps, Speaker Heads, and The Darklings. Too bad he couldn't get The Shuteye Train on his side. Those guys are bad ass!) to help him distribute Viper across Gotham. And this is the perfect time to sell it because everybody will think it's a delicious bag of Pop Rocks that they get to take intravenously!

The Victimizer's plan is to make a lot of money. But with Rat Catcher's help, he also wants to punch Lucas Fox in his smug face. Neither of these fellas is affected by Scarecrow's Gothtopia Gas. The Victimizer because of reasons and The Rat Catcher because he's wearing a jar on his head with a rat in it. He calls his invention "Bell Jar Gas Breather Rat Pal." Fuck it. I'd buy one.

Meanwhile Lucius Fox is about to blow his brains out in the boardroom at Wayne Enterprises. Since Gothtopia shows the happy-go-lucky side of everything, I can't even begin to imagine what he's really doing that this is better! Fucking a corpse? Tearing the heads off of kittens? Punching a baby in the nuts?

I know! I know! I read that fucking huge Detective Comics already! You don't have to explain to me how the Gothtopia Toxin is causing people to go mad and commit suicide. But you wouldn't think a place where people were committing suicide in droves would ever be labeled the safest place in America. No, wait. I'm wrong about that. Our media fucking sucks dead donkey assholes. Of course they wouldn't tell the whole story! Although they might replay a viral video of a kitten riding a dolphin for the 0.05% of people that don't have access to the internet and still think newscasters and journalists are not total fucking puppet whores.

Now I've completely been derailed in my reading of Batwing #27 because distractedbyshinyobjects posted David Foster Wallace's Tense Present, an essay on grammar and more grammar. I bring this up because my fascination with grammar does not help in any way with my ability to ever get any of it right. I love to read about improper usage but fuck all if anything ever actually sticks. Grammar rules are like names, you either have an innate ability to remember them or you simply blunder about pretending that you could call the person you're talking with by their given name if you only wanted to. I suppose if I had somebody constantly pointing out my errors (full-time job, anybody?), I'd eventually learn the grammar. As David Foster Wallace points out, most SNOOTs (grammar Nazis, Language Police, you know. Read the article! He explains it) become SNOOTs because they had at least one parent pointing out the flaws in their language skills on a daily basis. One of my few bookmarked "read when I get a chance" pages (should "read when I get a chance" have been hyphenated instead of quotatated?) is Paul Brians' Common Errors in English Usage. It's sometimes helpful but mostly I just find it entertaining. Now I really think I need to pick up Bryan Garner's A Dictionary of Modern American Usage. Maybe I'll learn me somethin'! Of course, I still haven't made it very far through Steven Pinker's The Stuff of Thought, so maybe I should start by finishing that up! Or finishing that! Or finishing it? Fuck you, English!

Anyway, back to GOTHTOPIA to see if Lucius Fox kills himself!

Surprise! He doesn't! The Flying Fox stops him by crashing through a steel-reinforced window! Or windowpane! Fucking English! Looking up "windowpane" via TheFreeDictionary.whatevs, I see that it's also slang for "LSD." My friend Bob and I used to call doing LSD "carving pumpkins" because we had once planned to do that while on LSD. It's probably a good thing that we never did or one of us would have had a really scary, gory Jack-o'-lantern and the other one would have been dead.

Once Lucas Fox has his dad safely tucked away in his Honey Bucket, The Flying Fox creates a serum to ward off The Scarecrow's Gothtopia Gas.

Hey! Speaking of carving pumpkins!

Lucius Fox doesn't remember anything that happened while he was drugged because amnesia is "a byproduct of surviving withdrawal from the drug." But I think Batwing and Batman are able to remember! Maybe they go through the withdrawal. There is a single panel of Batwing falling to one knee and saying, "Well, that sucked." That must have been the withdrawal which he didn't want anybody else to go through so he changed up the serum for civilian ingestion.

This is the same logic that should have everybody suspecting that Bruce Wayne is Batman! And there are even more clues to Batman's identity with the links between his sidekicks and Bruce's wards!

When Lucius heads back to administer the cure to his daughters, he finds his daughter Tam is missing. But Lucas is there to get his dose! Batwing should have given his father a placebo dose for Lucas. It would have been easy to label all the syringes with who they were for seeing as how Batwing could have convinced Lucius that different body weights needed different doses. He wouldn't want to give Luke's dose for a 190 pound man to his daughter Tiff who is a seventy-five pound little smart-ass. But Batwing wasn't thinking clearly. Who does after they've just come down off of a hallucinogenic? I'm surprised he's not just sitting vacantly on the couch drinking lots of water and stuffing pork rinds into his mouth as he watches old reruns of "In Search Of."

Luke and Lucius head off to find Tam but they're not going to find her this issue because she's been kidnapped to be used as cheese bait to draw in Lukas Fox so The Victimizer can destroy him!

I suppose Rat Catcher and Mouse are going to have to have a rat-off at some point.

Batwing #27 Rating: +2 Ranking. I don't know what it is about people with Rat Powers but they really pull at my heartstrings. And also my G-string. Don't mistake this comic book getting a +2 Ranking as being anywhere near equivalent to a comic book in the top fifteen getting a rating of "No change." I rank on a curve! A Deadman's Curve! Also, pro-tip for DC Comic Book creators that want to get into my good graces: images of lots of cute little rats really help lighten my mood!