Batman Loves Superman #7

Is this comic book ever going to right itself? Did Brett Booth take a blow to the head recently? Does he not remember the proper orientation of comic books?

I have a nagging feeling that I'm going to get chastised for suggesting that a comic book has a "proper orientation!" How dare I suggest that the traditional and most oft-used orientation of comic books be the "proper" one! Well, I'll tell you why I can say that! Because the orientation the creative team is using in Batman/Superman #7 makes it a calendar!

This issue begins with a woman delivering mail. It really draws the reader in quickly as the reader wonders, "Will she be able to mail her package on time? Or will her life be forever ruined because the line moves too slowly and she can't get her loan application postmarked by 5:00!?" I suppose that might draw the reader in if the reader wasn't like me and didn't immediately start berating the woman for waiting until the last minute to get her loan application in the mail. She can't blame the people in line in front of her simply because they were better prepared and arrived at a decent time to get their errands done. She can't blame the postal employees even if they drag their feet with each customer because it's her own fault for waiting so long. I suppose if I were kind, I could imagine that she's done everything just as promptly as possible and has still arrived at this moment in time where she must now rely on the speed with which other people live their lives. But I'm not kind at all. I'm a jerk. I'm a huge asshole. Which is why I also can't bring myself to blame Batman and Superman for her failure when they bust every window in the post office while fighting each other, causing the postal employees to flee for their lives as the clock ticks over to 5 PM and the woman misses her deadline.

I won't blame them. But it looks like she will.

This moment is as ridiculous as those situations that used to arise in the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup commercials where somebody walking along with a jar of peanut butter would wind up nearly killing somebody holding a chocolate bar and they would discover the joy of peanut butter on chocolate. Who walks around eating peanut butter out of a jar in public? And if that person exists and another person happens to accidentally get their chocolate bar into the peanut butter jar, what kind of peanut butter jar carrying asshole suddenly decides that half of that chocolate bar is now his? The only person that should discover the delicious taste of peanut butter and chocolate is the grungy person that doesn't mind fishing her chocolate out of a stranger's peanut butter jar with her filthy hands and trusting that the peanut butter now on the end of that chocolate bar is not covered in hepatitis or syphilis (that's how those diseases are transmitted, right? From double dipped peanut butter?). And then after taking a bite, that person could then choose to share her discovery with the asshole that nearly broke her neck while roller blading down the street fingering a jar of peanut butter.

Anyway, this situation is just as ridiculous as the one I just proposed because who falls to the ground, angry and defeated about life, stoned on Mongul's Space Fury Pollen, just wanting to kill somebody and thinks, "Oh look. Google Glasses screaming 'Die die die' and 'Kill kill kill' at me. Might as well put them on and see what this is about!" Luckily for her, the glasses allow her to take her rage out on Superman as she now gets to control Nano-Enhanced Robot Batman.

But this woman is not the real villain. No, she is just a minor player in an epic struggle between mankind and the alien hordes that are dying to use mankind's rage to enslave the universe! That plan totally makes a lot of sense. And by "a lot of," I mean none at all. So I probably should have just said "none at all" instead of doing that cliche thing where I change the meaning of the phrase I just uttered just to underline my sarcasm. Now I just feel like a dirty, filthy internet blogger.

These are the butts of the real antagonists.

Toymaster Gameshop CTO, Whatsherfuckingname Crystalbones, has programmed a brilliant game that utilizes one million humans who believe they're controlling Batman and decide on the move they want to use against Superman. The game system picks the move most likely to get past Superman's defenses and chooses it. Whatsherfuckingname Crystalbones declares that each player has a million moves at their disposal and in a feat of amazingly accurate math, declares that each of Batman's punches is "literally one-in-a-trillion." And by "amazingly accurate," I mean "I'm fairly certain she fucking failed statistics so how did she program such an amazing game?" First off, each of the million players do not have one million different attacks at their disposal. I'll grant her that her amazing controller she invented allows for one million attacks. But then each punch is simply "one-in-a-million." I suppose if you want to mention 1 million twice and then pretend that you can multiply them together, you can carelessly declare that the trillion you've just come up with fits into her stupid word problem some how.

Although she does declare that the million users all have "millions of unique moves." But I don't know how long-lived Whatsherfuckingname Crystalbones is or how many alien programmers she employs, so I suppose it's possible that she somehow had enough time and manpower to think up one trillion different attacks. I have to admit she's probably a lot smarter than me because I can only come up with Round Kick, Jump Right, Low Punch, Jump Left, Back Kick, Back Round Kick, Jumping Back Kick, Foot Sweep Left, Front Kick, Lunge Punch, Jumping Kick, Low Kick, Foot Sweep Right, Jump, Block, Squat, and Move Forward. And of those, I'd simply continually attempt the "Lunge Punch" or the "Jumping Back Kick." Those always worked well!

Mongul wonders why the humans would continue to try to defeat Superman even as they all begin to realize it's not a game but reality. And Whatsherfuckingname Crystalbones begins blathering all that anti-Superman bullshit that I can't get behind because it paints humanity as a bunch of whining assholes that are more concerned with what others have than what's good in their own lives. I can't get behind humanity being like that. But I might be able to make an exception for Americans.

This is how I walk around Portland. I imagine people screaming at me, "You are not rich! You don't have a fancy handlebar mustache! You are not a DJ! You can't afford retro chic clothing that makes you look poor! You aren't nostalgic enough for last week!" Fuckers.

Mongul swells with pride as his scheme allows for the little people to enjoy their power. But mostly he's just engorged because he's going to kill everyone on Earth as he saps their hatred and anger to fuel his new Warworld. And the only person on Earth that can now stop his plan is The Toymaker! He kicks over the Alien Gaming Console in an effort to kill the program and save the world!

But stupid Superman saves the console from smashing into the ground because it might just be the only thing keeping Batman alive. Hey, look Superman. Batman's already dead and it's kind of your fault for ignoring Mongul's arrival in Gotham City. I say ignore because there is no way in hell you didn't hear all that space shit go down with your super hearing that you're always bragging about. You're always going on and on about hearing humanity's collective heartbeat speed up or how you can hear Lana Lang on the other side of the world flipping the fuck out. But when Batman needs help? "Oh, sorry! I must have spaced out for a second while you were getting a hole blown in your chest!" Now, I'm not laying all of the blame on you, Clark. Bruce is just as responsible for constantly insisting he doesn't need your help and that he is, in fact, better than you at everything. So now look where all your stupid game playing has gotten you guys? Fighting to the death playing a stupid game! Way to go, assholes.

This comic book should just be titled "Asshole/Big Dick." Maybe it couldn't be named that because that title was already taken by a gay porno mag.

Oh? Now it's 90 million? So I guess it was "literally" one-in-ninety-trillion. Unless the math is different!

Batman begins repeating my commentary when he tells Superman that the game has already killed him so Superman should just go ahead and destroy the console already. Looking back, I see I only got through half of that statement about Batman already being dead and that he wouldn't want to risk everybody's lives by remaining a Nano-Enhanced Robot version of himself because I was distracted by pointing out how Superman is a huge dick. But Batman gets it! Save the world, Superman! Batman has given his consent!

Superman decides instead of saving the world at Batman's expense, a better plan is to get killed by Batman so that he can become Nano-Enhanced Robot Superman. Good plan! I can't see anything going wrong with this one! I mean, the only downside to Batman being a Nano-Enhanced Super Robot was that he had no free will and was being controlled by 90 million raging gamerholics!

Oh! That must be Superman's plan! He'll now be controlled by 45 million or more of those gamerholics which will allow Batman to break free of their control and figure out how to save the day because Batman is much better at solving problems that need more than punching to solve them.

Crickets.

Batman learns a lesson in stupid comic book tropes by learning that after the heroes fight, they team up to beat the bad guy. Somebody says, "It's a trope 'cause it works." Oh, bullshit! It's a trope because most comic book writers are lazy bastards! It's easier to script "Enter Batman. Superman punches Batman. Batman punches Superman" than to script "Someone appears at the door and knocks. Superman: 'Who is it?' Voice from off-panel: 'It's Batman!' Superman opens the door and hugs Batman. Superman: 'Hi Batman! Glad to see you! I'm glad you didn't surprise me or I might have bopped you one on accident!' Batman: 'Oho! That would have been a bad mix-up that would have wasted much of our time discussing the real problem at hand!'"

Okay, maybe the punching is more exciting.

The trope works and all the raging gamers in the world actually decide to team up and defeat Mongul. I know this ending is bullshit because I play Halo and Call of Duty. In Halo, there's always plenty of people willing to drive their teammates off of a cliff in the Warthog. And in Call of Duty during Hardcore Ricochet where if you kill a teammate with one of your weapons, you die, there will always be at least one asshole going around blowing up his teammate's explosives so that it hurts them and kills the teammate that planted it. Fucking griefers.

Anyway, Mongul is defeated and tossed in the Phantom Zone and everything returns to normal! Hooray! And somehow Batman isn't dead! Yay! I guess the Nano-bots just rebuilt all of his organs so he's not a Nano-Enhanced Super Robot anymore; he's just normal Bruce Wayne, human. I guess. Whatever.

Nice job on consistency, Greg Pak! Fucking up your own themes from the first story arc where Batman trusts the boy to take care of his own problems and Superman doesn't so he interferes with the kid's life and saves him. Basically this is the opposite of that. Now Batman doesn't trust people to save themselves and Superman does. Oh yeah, by "nice job on consistency" I meant the exact opposite!

Batman Loves Superman #7 Rating: -3 Ranking. I have to give this comic book a negative ranking because it just sort of hand-waves away killing Batman and bringing him back to life so that he's completely normal again. And I suppose Superman was killed as well by a single punch of Nano-Enhanced Super Robot Batman which really fucking doesn't make any sense also. I'm also not a fan of Batman telling Superman people are afraid of him because he trusts them too much. That's just stupid! I'm always afraid of the people that trust me too much. More to the point, I resent them because they trust me to live my own life instead of doing everything for me! Assholes.

The Movement #8

Instead of "buried alive," I would have gone with "All blocked up!" to keep with the poo theme already established by the title, "The Movement."

Speaking of bowels, don't you hate when you sit on the toilet for a bowel movement and instantly let go with a huge fart while still having the bowel movement to get to? It's like losing all of your propellant!

Umm, maybe I should move on to less interesting but more socially acceptable topics. Like this comic book! Last issue, Burden had turned into a fucking megademon. It could possibly have been Demogorgon although I really don't think it was Orcus. He had tentacles coming out of his stomach so he might have accidentally belched "Hastur" and his new form was the result. I wonder if as the demon, Burden composes letters to his demon mom in his head?

"Dear Mommagorgon,
I'm sorry I disappointed you by not being able to shit flaming turds but I tried my hardest to cover the unbaptized babies in my filth anyway. They truly deserve my disgusting wrath, don't they, Mommagorgon? How dare they die before undergoing the proper religious ceremony for God to accept them into his ever-loving bosom. I hope they like being stuffed into my anal sphincter just as much as being hugged by Jesus. Maybe while I'm on Earth, I can learn to truly be evil from American politicians. That's why I've joined The Movement, Mommagorgon. So I can encounter the Corruptiticians personally! I miss you terribly. Tell father to go fuck himself.
Your boy,
Burden."

As this issue begins, Vengeance Moth calls the Graveyard Faction "a bunch of snarky buttholes." And that is a big reason why this comic book is so great. The only other character in the DC Universe that I can see saying that is maybe Alfred Pennyworth. Holy shit. I would so read a comic book written by Gail Simone about Alfred Pennyworth at home taking care of Alfred Pennyworth (the cat!), Titus, and Batcow. Also Bruce. He probably needs the most taking care of.

Burden in his demon form battling Arson, Assholster, Hester Prynne, and Butterface.

Assholster reminds me that his real name is Pallas when he calls himself a god. Why choose Pallas if you're going to be under the delusion that you're a god? I suppose that's the problem with delusions! You don't get to pick them! Although I wish one of the ancient Greek gods really had been named Assholster. I bet Assholster the god would be more effective against Burden the Pit-Lord than stupid dumb Pallas manages to be. But even a raging Pit-Lord with mommy issues can't hope to hold out against four other super powered beings. Which is why Vengeance Moth needs to come to his rescue.

But first, an interlude! A very sexy interlude!

Mouse is micexual.

Back to Vengeance Moth's rescue, she beats Hester Prynne with a crutch. She beat that bitch with a stick. She beat that bitch with a stick. She beat she beat she beat she beat she beat that bitch with a stick.

Sorry.

That'll only work if the Fruit Snack is Dimmesdale's Cock Flavoured.

Hester Prynne manages to fail in her attempt to kill Vengeance Moth because Pallas's blasts of godhood cause the ceiling to collapse all around everyone. For some reason, Pallas dislikes demons from Hell. He's so fucking judgmental. But Vengeance Moth manages to put a call in to Virtue before she completely passes out from rocks hitting her in the face.

There's this whole other scene back at the police station that I've been completely ignoring because it's just a bunch of cops and they're all, "Tell our story! Tell our story! We're so fucking important because we keep you safe! We protect you so pay attention to us!" But I was all, "Daaaaaamn. Fuck that shit, bitchstacios! You gotta learn that there's a difference between 'protecting' and 'policing,' doggydaddios! And until you get that crapoler through your fat-ass blue shields, I'mma just stand over here pretendin' you ain't even there." And they were all, "What the fuck did he just say?" And I was all, "You heard me! It takes different strokes to rule the world. Yes it does." And then I skipped out of there humming the theme from What's Happening and one of the cops whistled and said, "Dang. That boy is smooth crystals!"

And then there is a romantic part!

Talk about smooth crystals!

I wonder if Mouse's breath smells like rat piss? No, I don't actually. I'm fairly certain everything about Mouse smells like rat piss. I had one rat in my room in high school and every fucking thing smelled like rat piss. But it was probably worth it because rats are pretty sweet creatures. Except that Willard one. That one was a dick.

Back at The Movement's Batcave, Hester Prynne was about to have The Graveyard Faction retreat from Burden and Vengeance Moth and the collapsing roof when Katharsis, Virtue, Tremor, and Mouse appear to back everyone up. Apparently Hester Prynne believes that gave her team better odds because now she's decided to attack instead of flee! Hester Prynne might not be the brightest leader The Graveyard Faction ever had.

Virtue borrows Vengeance Moth's fear and uses it against Hester Prynne who becomes incapacitated. Arson has a shattered leg and Butterface really should probably put on more clothes. But in the meantime, Virtue tells them to get the hell out and they get out while the getting out gets them out.

"Tell our story! Pay attention to us! We have things to say too!" Ugh! It's those fucking cops again. Okay, okay. You get two panels! Make them good! And don't make them about Toothless Joe since he's getting fired anyway. I'm sure he'll be back for revengeance later.

Oh! Fascinating! Good choice of panels!

Does that mean Virtue died during Darkseid's invasion? Is that when she got her powers? I bet she was eating a bag of skittles when a Boom Tube opened directly on top of her, infusing her with the taste of the rainbow. She could also have been eating Sprees but Sprees don't have a catchy commercial telling people to eat them. They simply get by on their own delicious reputation and their silky smooth feeling on the tongue.

And then the issue ends with Batgirl coming to town because Babs feels like this comic book doesn't have enough Narration Boxing in it. Plus...wedding plans!

Mouse wanted me to crop out Tremor's negative reaction.

The Movement #8 Rating: +1 Ranking because this is one of the few comic books that serves up a nice dose of whimsy and people calling other people buttholes. That word is awesome because it sounds pretty innocent and it's never censored because it isn't an actual swear word like "assholes." But I love the word because when people hear asshole, they think of a person that is a fucking dick. But when you hear the word butthole, you picture an actual butthole! That word is dirtier than most of the other curse words! Mmmm, buttholes! Who doesn't love buttholes?! Also donut holes. Those are good too.

Arkham War #4

It's signing time with Talon and Bane! It's signing time with Talon and Bane! Come and play! Come and play! Come and play!

Bane begins the festivities by waking up the only Talon left in his possession, William Cobb. I think William Cobb was Dick Grayson's ancestor but my memory is faultier than that thing I can't quite think of, so I might be a bit unreliable. Speaking of family, I got this email from my mom about a week ago:

Haven't heard from you guys in awhile. I hope you got your Xmas gifts. My December was the worst one in history, excluding 2010. Give me a call once in awhile, please. You know I'm all alone down here.

I didn't reply because I don't respond well to guilt trips and only remembered to call her earlier tonight while watching Dexter when he mentioned how family is annoying and irritating! I glanced over at The Uncertified Spouse and said, "Oh! I should probably call my mom!" So I spent a an hour or two talking about Cats and Walking Dead and the reason her December was so shitty. It was because somebody let a bunch of Talons loose in Santa Clara. Which brings me back on track to this comic book!

Bane is still pretending he's Batman because that's weird. I've always felt that the villains that populate Gotham City do so because they have huge crushes on Batman. And Bane is just helping prove my theory due to his cosplay choices.

Bane informs Cobb (through the use of grandiose and overly burdened metaphors) that he is taking Gotham City and he'd like William Cobb's help. Cobb would like to see the other Talons freed from the grasp of Gotham's Madmen, so he agrees. And Bane declares he would like to see the Talons free as well because "to know thine enemy, you must become thine enemy." What the fuck does that mean? Is that why he dressed up as Batman? Does that mean that I have to begin writing like Scott Lobdell? No, no! That's only if I want to know my enemy! What the fuck do I care if I know my enemy? And why does Bane need to know his enemy? Doesn't he just want to defeat his enemy? I think Bane has been brain-damaged from too much Venom.

But don't you want to know them first? Like a landmass knows the ocean, tide after tide of endless greetings, wearing away the landmass's resistance one grain of sand at a time?

William Cobb burns off Sumo's face by using an unconscious Firebug's flaming hands to, well, you know. Emit flames! He then declares "One down, an entire asylum to go." But Sumo isn't actually down. He's just in the background clutching his face due to the slightly irritating heat. William Cobb is a Talon! He should be ripping these guys apart! Where's the gory overkills? He's just going to go easy on these assholes? Come on, Editorial! Give him some B-listers that he can kill! Where the fuck is White Rabbit? Kill her! She was created by David Finch during his shit tenure on Batman: The Dark Knight, so she still reminds me of all that time I wasted reading that crap. Finish her! Finish her now!

Little Wooden Ferdie does more damage than the Talon by shoving one of his fist screws into Mister Incandescent's face, rupturing it and sending his goo all over the street. Unless that wasn't Mister Incandescent. This is probably a good time to tell you how my memory isn't so good.

Bane grabs Zsasz by the face and calls off William Cobb before Cobb even gets started. What a disappointment. The only people that have died so far in this great war are nameless prisoners from Blackgate! This war sucks!

Bane is going to clean up this city better than Batman ever did! Nobody will have any individual freedoms but they'll all be too afraid to commit any crimes! Hooray for Bane!

Bane's actual plan is to take Gotham so that he can give it to the Court of Owls in exchange for a battalion of Talons powered by his Venom so that he can take over Metropolis and, probably, the rest of the world. That's a pretty ambitious plan. It also seems like a really fucking crappy plan. Why the fuck would anybody want to rule the world? What a shit job. Why are people so obsessed with fucking power? Just give me the amount of money I'm making each month right now each and every month until the day I die without my having to do anything I don't want to do. That's all I want! I certainly don't want to be responsible for anything! I just want to be free to travel whenever I want, to sit around reading and writing, maybe pick up a few more hobbies like painting and bathing, and some time left over to play Call of Duty while speaking in a high-pitched voice. Is that too much to ask?

Meanwhile The Scarecrow and Mr. Freeze and some (hopefully expendable) chump named Vortex have just woken up the rest of the Talons. With a nice mixture of Scarecrow's fear toxin and Mad Hatter's brainwashing technology, Scarecrow believes the Talons will fight for the Arkhamites and help them protect their sectors of Gotham from The Penguin and Bane. I don't think they have to worry about The Penguin since he's currently consumed with applying every medieval torture he can think of to Emperor Blackgate's scrotum.

Akrham War #4 Rating: No change. I don't think this can rightly be called a war until somebody with super powers and a stupid name bites the ticket. Buys the dust? Farms the roosters? Sails the crimson byway? Gets a visit from Aunt Flo? Spirals up the down staircase? Goes gently into that good Qwik-E-Mart? Sucks the peanut butter? Tips the waitress in cigarettes? Boils the bunnies? Have I gotten even one euphemism for dying right yet?! Oh! Suffers the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune?! Loves too well?! Fucks a Capulet? Mephisto up the yin-yang? Dreams of bottom's ass? Wanders over the Cliffs of Dover? Oh! That one should do it by whatever means a person would judge! That'd do you!

Detective Comics #27

This is a big comic book! It must have thousands of jokes inside of it!

This issue of Batman: Detective Comics contains seven jokes. We will begin by reading the first joke. It is called "The Case of the Chemical Syndicate." That does not sound particularly funny. It sounds like a mystery! Some mysteries are funny though! Like the one called Murder By Death. That one is very funny. At least it was very funny when I was twelve years old. Perhaps it is not as funny now as it was then.

The joke begins with Batman interviewing himself. The first question that Batman asks Batman is, "Why do I do this?" He has a very funny answer for this question! He does it so that nobody else has to witness their parents shot down in cold blood in a moonlit alley full of rats and garbage. That is not the funny part. This is the funny part:

Ah! But you would not do it as well, would you?

Perhaps Bruce would be just as good a Batman if he were poor as if he were rich. Did he not travel the world learning everything he could learn without touching any of his family money? Sure, he always knew he could pick up the phone and Alfred would arrive to save the day with a pocket full of cash and some Toblerone. And it was probably easier to learn how to defeat hundreds of opponents in the pit of death without killing any of them when you knew you had a really big house with a super comfy bed waiting for you at the end of it. I think without money, Bruce would still have been a good Batman. But without his good looks and his charms (by charms I mean succulent penis)? That's a wholly different matter. How would he have learned secret assassination and poisoning skills if he had not been able to seduce all of the top women assassins in the world? He would not have learned them! He would have been arrested for sexual harassment.

Batman continues to answer his own question because he cannot get enough of hearing himself speak.

That is a stereotype and probably racist to boot.

Batman faces a lot of criminals that are not cowardly nor are they superstitious either. Or neither maybe. Perhaps that is why Gotham seems to be so full of lunatics. It is because the regular criminals have been scared out of town by the rumors of a crazed man that roams the night breaking people's bones. Batman believes they are scared of his bat-like appearance. But the thing they are really terrified of are the medical bills.

Batman finds himself on a case hunting down some guy killing partners of the A.C.E. Chemical business. But the two partners that are left get their speech balloons mixed up halfway through their conversation and it's really fucking confusing. Hopefully Batman is smart enough to straighten things out right after he crashes through another skylight.

Perhaps Batman will also find out who stole some of his Narration Box Bat Symbols and decided to give those answers I've been scanning in because the next one Batman says is, "I do it because it secretly thrills me." That doesn't sound like something Batman would admit to! Also, Batman's Narration Boxes have been in dark grey and have not been funny at all. The yellowish Narration Boxes have been full of jokes so they could not be by Batman. Not one of them. Perhaps they are by somebody that goes by the name Mr. Jokes?

See? The Gray Boxes are not funny at all. The other box is kind of funny. If you think about it and somebody explains the joke to you later.

Batman saves the innocent guy and doesn't let the guilty guy get away so I guess it wasn't a very tough choice after all. Batman kicks the guilty guy into a vat of chemicals and completes his crazy journal entry. It is his first entry in his Bat-Diary so I guess that is why it is so funny. This was before Batman remembered he was not supposed to have a sense of humor. But he would learn that it is nothing to laugh about. I don't know what "it" is but believe me, it is not funny. Not at all. But the guilty man that later climbs out of the chemical vat thinks it is funny! He thinks everything is funny! Ha ha! It is all a big laugh! Life! The universe! The chaotic randomness of existence! Oh ha ha! You can only laugh at such things!

Also, this story makes no sense because it is not The New 52 Joker's origin at all! Not even close! It is an old origin of The Joker! This is a story from another world and another time! It is from Preboot Earth! No, no! It is from Pre-Crisis on Preboot Earth! It is a big fat lie! That must be why they got a writer that looks like Lex Luthor to pen this story! So that nobody would believe it. They would read it and say, "Is this a true joke?" And they would look at the guy who wrote it and they would laugh. They would say, "Ha ha! I get it! Lex Luthor is a liar!" And then they would read the next joke in the book which is called "Old School."

You can tell the next story is also a Pre-Crisis on Preboot Earth because it is full of Ben-Day Dots and the criminals are carrying bags with dollar signs on them. Since Jim Lee and Roger Liefeld and Kirk McFarland showed everybody how to scribble lines all over everything, most comic book artists have given up using Ben-Day Dots. And banks have not given out cash in bags with dollar signs on them since the early sixties.

Robin is distracting the criminals with his sexy cheesecake pose.

After the criminals manage to outrun Batman and Robin, Robin learns that Batman films everything that happens with a tiny camera on his belt. Oh ho! Robin sighs a sigh of relief that the internet has not yet been invented yet or else Batman might post some inappropriate videos of Robin changing into his costume. Not to mention other things that I won't mention because the law frowns on pedophilia fan-fiction and I am not interested in writing any of that anyway even if I was going to say, "Ha ha! It was all a big joke!" afterward. I would feel like a criminal myself if I described Robin's throbbing boy member and what Batman would like to do with it. Besides, Batman and Robin's friendship is entirely platonic and I would not like to join the camp of people who think otherwise because they are gigantic jerks sullying the reputation of two great heroes.

I have more clues that this story is from the Pre-Crisis on Preboot Earth if you needed any more! Batman's camera is not digital at all! And he does not have a Bat-Computer to do his work for him! Instead, he must call Commissioner Gordon and have him do the research! Also Batman gets called "mack" and that is a bad word from the olden days that nobody uses anymore. Even The Penguin happens along to point out that Batman and Robin need to update their schtick because they keep telegraphing their moves by speaking them!

But then the Scarecrow comes along and says, "I can read your thought bubbles, you jerks!" So that is what this story is all about! It is the origin of the Narration Boxes! I hate this story. This is not a funny story at all. It is a bad story! It is a very bad story!

Eventually Batman wakes up because it was not just a bad story, it was also a bad dream! Too bad I cannot wake up from it as well!

The next joke is called "Better Days" and it takes place when Batman is seventy-five years old. Or older. Or younger. But probably the first one.

Why is Damian using Alfred's head as a belt buckle? Is nobody else upset about this?

Bruce's guests are Dick Grayson and Tim Drake and Babs Gordon and Alfred Pennyworth and Damian Wayne. They must have forgiven him for telling The Joker all of their secrets. I wonder if The Joker will bring a present?

The fourth joke is called "Rain." I think I know this joke! "Knock knock!" "Who is there? Is it you? The person I have been waiting for to return my love? Is it the person that makes my heart race and the tears to fall? Is it you?" "No, it is only shadows on my doorstep. It is only cloudy images on my window pane. It is only rain."

Except that joke does not have Batman in it, so I might be wrong. Let us see if their joke contains The Batman!

Oh! It does have Batman! And it is a very funny joke indeed! See Batman save the psychopath?! See! See!

Also, the previous joke was supposed to be called "Hero" in the Table of Contents but then it was not called that at all.

The fifth joke is called "The Sacrifice" and it stars The Phantom Stranger. He is not very funny anymore. He played a big prank two thousand years ago and that was the last joke he ever made. He said, "Why are you not laughing Jesus? Don't you think it was a funny kiss? Can you not take a joke, Jesus?" And Jesus said, "Forgive them for they know not what they laugh at." And Judas said, "Oh boy! That prank really took a wrong turn, didn't it? I think I'll see you guys later!" And the Romans said, "No, do not go Judas! This was the best joke we've ever heard!" And the Hebrew People said, "That was it? That was your joke? We do not buy it. I think we shall wait around for a better joke than that."

The Phantom Stranger has decided it is once again time to get back on the joke-telling horse. So he comes to Batman and says, "Stop me if you've heard this one before."

Batman has heard it before! Stop, Phantom Stranger, stop!

The Phantom Stranger does not stop! He tells the joke anyway. But he forgets the punchline and tells it incorrectly. He tells it so badly that The Batman hates this version even more than the original version! This new joke must be very bad if Batman prefers the punchline that goes, "Thomas and Martha Wayne get shot in the head and die. Ha ha!"

The Phantom Stranger has not told a joke in so long that he ruins it by explaining it at the end.

Oh Phantom Stranger! Do not spoil the joke! Do not explain why it is funny!

The next joke is called "Gothtopia" and I think this is the most important joke in the book since it is being told by the regular creative team and it is also the name of the big crossover prank that DC has come up with. In this one, Pamela Isley who is also sometimes called Poison Ivy is yelling at the citizens of Gotham to wake up. It seems she is the only one that realizes Gothtopia, America's Safest City, should not be this at all! It should be Gotham City, Stuff of Nightmares! Although even if she sees the truth, why would she want it back? Old Gotham City was horrible! In Gotham City, Batman's sidekick was a skinny little boy. But not in Gothtopia!

Now that's what I call a sidekick! Mrowwr!

Batman's new sidekick is called Catbird and it is, fairly obviously judging by the excitement in my loinal area, Selina Kyle. She and Batman have the type of relationship that Tim Drake would be super jealous about if he ever found out.

Well, maybe not exactly that type of relationship.

Batman captures Poison Ivy and sends her off to be punished by Commissioner Sionis. So I guess the Black Mask is somehow mindcontrolling every lousy citizen in Gotham except for Poison Ivy. That's a good joke both on everybody and on Poison Ivy! Ha ha! Look at how confused Poison Ivy is! She must feel so alone and afraid. That is really funny when you can point at somebody else feeling like that and say "Ha ha! I am glad that is not me!"

Batman and Catbird help keep the city safe by going from fake accident to fake accident. You can tell the accidents are fake because one of them is reported as an ice cream truck jackknifing on the interstate. That is silly! Ice cream trucks are incapable of jackknifing! Silly Batman! Silly Gothtopia! Sexy Catbird!

The current mayor is The Penguin, so he might be in on this joke as well. Barbara Gordon is Bluebelle and Kate Kane is Brightbat and Dick Grayson is The Gothamite and Luke Fox is Flying Fox and Dinah Lance and Strix and Condor are The Wings of Truth. And everyone is happy and everybody laughs and laughs all day long.

People in Gothtopia are very happy, so they are committing suicide at an alarming rate. It makes sense to Alfred and Selina but Bruce is troubled by all of the happy suicides. He decides to get himself poisoned by Poison Ivy on accident so that he can learn the truth. It is a good plan, The Batman! A very good plan! Except that it makes everybody else sad and they all stop laughing for the entire day. Now they must stop Batman from believing! They must make him believe the not-believing before he unbelieves them all and they begin to believe the beliefs that he's now believing! And that would ruin the entire joke.

Also, the Gothamite might not be Dick Grayson since he should be in Chicago. But I can't think whom it might otherwise be.

Batman allows himself to be captured because he does not want to hurt his friends. And he would hurt them because breaking jaws and bones is what he does best. So instead he is carted off to The Crane Rehabilitation Center where Killer Croc works as a security guard. It makes sense that The Scarecrow would be behind a big gigantic brainwashing joke like this. But are the other criminals in on it as well? Or are they just working with him? It is very hard to get madmen to work together but it sometimes happens.

Here is where I would scan the final two pages to show that the madmen are all in on the plan and Professor Pyg and Harley Quinn and Mr. Freeze are co-conspirators as well. But it's a double page splash and I'd probably break the binding on the book, so you'll just have to imagine it or buy your own copy or pirate it off of the internet. That last one was a joke! I do not approve of that at all! Not at all!

The final joke is called "Twenty-Seven." And I will keep it short. Batman learns how to replicate himself so that there is always a Batman! The end!

Detective Comics #27 Rating: No change. I feel like there should have been a bigger payoff at the end of this. Where was the punchline? Oh! I see it! Now that I've closed the cover! I see it! The joke was on me! There is the punchline! There it is! $7.99! That was a mean joke. Very mean.

Damian (Son of Batman) #3

Does Damian's world only consist of Gorilla-Villains?

Mmm! This comic book still smells great! I'm probably going to give myself a headache sucking in its wonderful aroma! How does DC do it? How do they get so much wonderful smell into a comic book for only $3.99!? If this is what Demeter's Book Fragrance smells like, I should really stock up on it! I currently have their Firefly fragrance but it doesn't smell anything like the Old West in Space.

Damian (Son of Batman) #3 Rating: No change. Issue three smelled no better or worse than the previous issues!

Superman Unchained #5

Is Blue Kryptonite like Viagra?

Last issue, Superman was shot in the ass. I have a feeling that won't be dealt with in this issue at all. Also, Jimmy Olsen was given a Kryptonite Implant in his hand although Superman probably won't even notice since he always feels a little bit sick when Jimmy Olsen is around anyway. More importantly, other shit was going down. Really intense shit judging by the amount of lines Jim Lee has applied to everybody's faces. But it was overly complicated and involved guys in masks and dying blind monks and blue Kryptonite and the American military and I really don't want to get into it all. So hopefully y'all remember what was going on better than I do.

But before we get back to the main story, how about a flashback recounting how pervy Clark Kent was?!

Not that any growing boy (or grown man (or overgrown old guy)) wouldn't be using his X-ray vision on a daily basis. I mean, obviously we'd all respect everyone's privacy and never use it to act pervy ever!

In his flashback, Clark and Lana fall off the silo but Clark saves them by floating in midair. Which is odd because he actually won't be able to fly for many years later. Perhaps he can accidentally fly in times of stress but he never really learns how to control it. When he realizes what he's doing, he probably plummets to the ground. Luckily Lana has fainted so she doesn't get to learn his secret identity yet. Just wait until she learns about his X-ray Vision! Suddenly her mom's going to wonder why the fuck she's asking for lead-lined undergarments for Christmas.

Lois Lane was kidnapped by Ascension, and Wraith and Superman are on the hunt for her. But before they continue looking for her, Superman decides to take Wraith back to his place. He's really getting awfully chummy with this guy who already said he's going to kill him. Superman might be kind of stupid.

Lois has been kept alive by Ascension so that they can tell her their story and she can get a front page headline at the Daily Planet, impressing everybody except the one person she desperately needs to impress: her father. Speaking of her father, Sam Lane, he's the head of a top secret military branch called The Machine.

Look at that intense face on the leader! Jim Lee really is a master of the Art of the Scribbles!

After this speech, the leader of Ascension decides to reveal his true self to Lois Lane.

Isn't that the same guy? Shouldn't his facial scribbles be different?

Jonathan Rudolph's reason for attacking the world and the military and technology and just being a dick in general is because a crazy, senile old man told him crazy, senile things. At least Jonathan Rudolph spells his name better than Lois's boyfriend Jonathon Whats-his-name. Here's the problem with a senile person spouting crazed nonsense and truth: how the fuck do you know what's what? Well, apparently Jonathan here could tell. It was probably a certain clarity in his grandfather's eye. Or the fact that his grandfather wasn't pulling out his cock every few minutes while telling stories about The Machine. I guess it doesn't matter now if his grandfather was senile or not when talking about The Machine because Jonathan is reacting to it and trying to fuck everyone up now anyway. I wonder if his grandfather ever spoke about the Nazi Warwheel!

Due to Crazy Grandad's interference, Ascension has used the alien equation better than the American Military and created Earthstone, a crystal that allows them to control all technology created by the equation! This is because Crazy Grandad altered the formula and now only Ascension knows about Earthstone (which is the Blue Kryptonite that I figured probably wasn't Kryptonite and now I know what it is!). And they're going to use it to destroy technology so that man can start over and come up with everything they've already come up with but without help because that seems like a smart idea. I suppose they believe man isn't morally capable of utilizing the things they've created because they weren't allowed to mature before they created it themselves. Except being that Ascension is composed of humans, I suppose it's more likely that they want to destroy all the technology so that they can control it themselves and get all the patents for the new technology that comes out and be the biggest group of dicks (i.e. corporation!) in the world!

Meanwhile back in the past, Clark Kent is trying to remember how to fly.

Also, Ma Kent has made a new toothless friend. Oh, farm living! That's the life for me! I bet he lost that tooth and his penis in a horrible augur accident. Those fucking augurs should be outlawed! Maximum Overdrive shouldn't have been about semi-trucks! It should have been blood-thirsty augurs laying siege to that gas station!

The most unbelievable thing about Superboy comic books across decades of Superboy comics is that Pa Kent always had all of his fingers.

Ma Kent is young and attractive. As opposed to old and attractive like I'm used to! I wonder if Ma and Pa Kent were just young in The New 52 when they found Kal-el or they've gotten that serum from the aliens that made them young again!

Back in the Fortress of Solitude, Superman shows off his impressive collection of alien weapons to Wraith. Well, the Needler isn't that impressive. His armory is probably the reason Superman brought Wraith back here. He's just comparing offensive cocks with Wraith. "Threaten me, will you bitch? Well, look at all the shit I've got to bring to our little duel."

Now I have to believe that Jor-el didn't just choose Earth but he specifically chose America? Then that means he chose Kansas as well! And who the fuck would do that to their own son?!

Man, that last caption was spoken like a true Native Californian! When I lived in Lincoln, Nebraska for a few years, you should have heard the reactions from all of my family and friends. It was like they thought I'd time traveled to the 1500s! I, of course, didn't want to lose my bias that the midwest was full of hicks, so I just pretended that the only reason everybody was normal and spoke with less accent than I did was simply because I was in a college town. You know the best part of moving to Nebraska from California? Like, you don't have to, like, here the word "like," like, ten times in every sentence! I did enjoy learning to call Coke "pop" although I never really took to calling grocery bags "sacks." Except now that I'm in Oregon, I often refer to them as sacks because language is an insidious virus where you believe that you can use it ironically but eventually it just becomes natural. I remember first hearing a clerk at a grocery store ask me if I'd like a sack and being completely perplexed. I had no idea what the fuck they were talking about. And after realizing what they were referring to, the first thing I thought about was Jack Handey and his Deep Thought about always carrying around two sacks so that when somebody asks you to help with something, you can say, "Can't. Got these sacks!" And how I always pictured a guy walking around with potato sacks since that was the only way I'd ever heard that word used. But it finally made sense! The guy in the Deep Thought didn't look like a maniac at all! Just a guy out doing his shopping!

I don't know why Wraith is so wrapped up in America and its military especially. I'm guessing it was some kind of Manchurian Candidate level brainwashing. Too bad he didn't land in Canada or Jamaica. He'd sure have a different view of Earth if he had.

Wraith asks Superman to consider the future and how everybody is going to get old around him while he stays young. What the fuck is Superman? A vampire? I'd guess he'd be more like an over-tanner! All that yellow sun energy can't be healthy for a guy to absorb day in and day out. Anyway, people get older and shit while Clark continues to look fuckable.

The most unbelievable part of Clark's vision of the future is that newspapers still exist in 2024.

More than anybody on Earth, Wraith and Superman should be above national boundaries and religious differences and national identities based on cultural pride and arrogance. Wraith is just trying to pull Superman down into some nationalist bullshit that will just make him less effective when it comes to protecting the world. That might be the main difference. Superman is about protecting people; Wraith is about policing them.

Also, Wraith decides to pull a weapon off of Superman's wall and threaten him with it. What a dick.

Back in the past, Ma Kent gets shotgun-whipped while Mr. Colder prepares to blast the fuck out of Superboy. He's in for a big surprise! Although I bet Pa Kent beats the crap out of him before Mr. Colder ever finds out that Superboy is invulnerable.

And then Ascension decides this must be the 80s because they launch all the nuclear missiles in the world. All of them. Every single one! Because fuck it, you know? That'll teach them! Nobody knows who "them" is but Crazy Grandad couldn't be wrong, right? Things will be better this way! Instead of having a world controlled by people who are going to destroy it, just destroy the world yourself! Problem solved! I think.

And then in the past, Mr. Colder unloads his shotgun into young Clark. He screams something about no more hiding because, I guess, that was the entire theme of this issue. Somehow Superman is hiding. Sure, he's hiding if you think he ought to be following your agenda. But he's not. He's doing what he thinks is right and living his life the best way he knows how. He's got a complicated life and how dare everybody, from Wraith to Mr. Colder, try to tell Superman who he should be. They can all just go fuck themselves. Right in their own Goddamned faces.

Superman Unchained #5 Rating: No change. This comic book has too much America in it. It's making me uncomfortable. I especially like that Scott Snyder has basically created a Superman that would really be American as opposed to Clark Kent's version that America has accepted as its poster child for truth, justice, and the American Way. Wraith is the actual poster child for the American Way which really has no room for truth or justice.

Aquaman #26

This comic book hasn't been cancelled yet?

Who would have guessed the Aquaman Fanbase could support two years worth of an Aquaman series! Especially since they've mostly been getting the same old fucking stories they've always gotten! Except he didn't get a stupid new uniform, so that's a change in a normal Aquaman reboot. He did get a beard for a bit but his evil twin got the fucking hook. And he hasn't been riding gigantic seahorses (at least not personally) nor has he been defeating undersea villains with Twinkies. But he has battled for the throne of Atlantis and he's fought with his brother Orm and he's had to deal with ignorant land dwellers and he battled whaling ships. What more is there? Hopefully Jeff Parker has some new Aquaman stories ready to go! And I hope they're funny! And I hope we get to see Aquaman in a fucking suit. Maybe a suit is too casual for somebody who's used to wearing Royal Atlantean Battle Armor everywhere he fucking goes.

The issue begins with the Yellow Submarine penetrating deep into the Atlantic Ocean's nether regions. Holy shit, I just got horny! Now I'm hoping when Aquaman appears, he'll be in a Speedo! With one extra high pressure testicles sticking out. I wonder if Aquaman's balls hurt when he walks around on land? They're used to the high pressures in the depths of Atlantis, so wouldn't they be aching to burst in the lower pressures at sea level? I bet they swell right up! Maybe that's why Arthur constantly wears the battle armor! Perhaps it exerts a comfortable pressure across his entire body so he feels as if he's still under the ocean?

I was watching Dexter earlier and he used Arthur Curry as an alias! Also I shouldn't have mentioned that I'm watching Dexter because people might be tempted to talk about it and drop spoilers all over the place. Well don't! If you've read my warning story about what happens to people that spoil shit for me, you'll know to keep your fucking trap shut! Gail Simone is really pushing the boundaries on her Tumblr by posting Batgirl and The Movement shit that I have to skip quickly past! I may just have to leer at her evilly next time I see her at a convention! Or maybe I should just read that shit as quickly as possible since I'm following her on Tumblr! I know how she is! Always self-promoting! Good for her. Self-promotion is the hardest part of being creative.

Oh! An explanation as to why Arthur's testicles behave normally on land!

The Yellow Submarine is eventually eaten by the Godzilla of Atlantis. I will call him Atlzilla because there's no way I could have come up with something easier to say. My fucking hands were tied. Atlzilla or nothing, really.

Some reporter named Evans is wandering around Amnesty Bay trying to get a story on Aquaman but everybody is too embarrassed to admit that he lives nearby. I wonder if the police chief has built a high-powered spotlight with a fish on it that he can shine into the ocean when he needs help with backed up toilets and, umm, other problems that you wouldn't want to waste an actual super hero's time with.

Down in Atlantis, Aquaman is failing to do his kingly duties (not sex! Bureaucratic nonsense!).

What do you mean by "that girl," Mera? You mean responsible and helpful? "Well, I don't want to be the one to tell you that you suck as the King of Atlantis but none of these other Atlantean losers is going to." Oh wait! I know what Mera means! She doesn't want to be his Goddamned Secretary!

Meanwhile the council adjourns once again without getting any business done because they apparently need the King of Atlantis to dot all of their fucking "i"s. Why the hell did Arthur decide to take on the job of King again? His dog must have had the smelliest farts ever if he wanted to get away from it this badly.

Oh man! I hope there will occasionally be Aquadog back-up stories!

So far in this issue, the art has been "enh" for me. Not "meh" though! I hate "meh!" I distinctly meant "enh!" But I really fucking love Mera's look in this panel. Aquaman's okay too. But Mera is pushing adorable here.

I suppose this is a different artist than the previous pages seeing as how there were a shitload of artists credited. Shitload being the appropriate amount of hyperbole for the more specific number "four".

Aquaman gets wind of Atlzilla off the coast of Greenland or Iceland or somewhere. I just read it last page and I've forgotten. Plus, I'm too lazy to turn the page back to fact check. But it doesn't really matter, does it? I mean, Lobdell and DeFalco spent months moving the base of N.O.W.H.E.R.E. between Antarctica and the Arctic and nobody fucking gave a shit! So I'm guessing it doesn't matter what country Atlzilla is about to fuck up.

Aquaman and Mera have devised a new way for Aquaman to travel. That's what's going on on the cover. That was a fucking weird sentence, wasn't it? Anyway, Mera does this low pressure thing that causes Aquaman to shoot out of the ocean like shit out of a hippo, sending him into orbit where he takes a look around, angles himself just right, and dives back down to whatever location needs the help of a guy that can speak with fish. I don't know why he doesn't just get on his Justice League communicator and tell Batman there's something Batman needs to take care of in Greenland. Or Iceland. Bah, Batman can figure it out.

Aquaman lands on the beast that looks like one of those crabmen from the Fallout games. Except it's super huge. Bigger even! So Aquaman fights it for awhile while Superman is busy making Rhubarb Soup for Wonder Woman. Where are the cosmic heroes of this sector when you need them? Where the fuck are the Red Lanterns?!

The Atlantean Council recognizes this beast as something called the Karaqan. The Greeks must have pidginized it into Kraken! Mera says the Xebel version of the mythic beast is Antiarhk. When I was twelve, I probably would have recognized what that's a reference to. But now that I'm older and more mature, I pretend not to know mythology because I'm into stocks and suits and not into flying kites and skipping and masturbating whenever the slightest breeze turns me on. Nope! No way! I take care of man business now! I shake hands and look people in the eye! I talk about portfolios and future investments! I score with the ladies in that way that ladies like! I think it involves fixing cars and paying for meals or something. I forget. It's late or else I'd really go into detail about my super promiscuous romantic life!

Supposedly the Karaqan was a guardian beast of Atlantis that could be controlled by Atlantean Royalty. Arthur doesn't know that but he tries to telepathically control it anyway. With strange results.

That white text on a lilac background is really hard to read. Unless that's lavender and not lilac.

Aquaman #26 Rating: No change. I'm not going to change the rankings on any comic books from here on out! They're all going to remain exactly where they are, day in and more days in! Unless they really move me in some way. I mean personally! They have to affect me in the same way that Slingblade affects me! Or the last paragraph in the novel Cujo! Or that moment when my tongue is in somebody's butthole and I just can't hold out any longer! Anything that makes me feel like one of those things will move up in rank! And anything that makes me think "Did Ann Nocenti write this?" will lose a rank! Also, I'll probably change my mind about all of this by the time I finish reading my next comic book.