Aquaman #27

Here we see Aquaman (Lamus Oceanic Rex) battling the ultimate monster of the sea, The Karaquan (Coitus Giganticus).

Last issue ended when Arthur created a telepathic link between himself and this creature which caused him to trip his highly pressurized balls off. This issue we will probably learn what that was about and enjoy a battle.

The secondary plot arc was about a reporter who speaks in run-on sentences looking for a scoop on Aquaman. I'm not judging him for his run-on sentences since I don't even know if "run-on" needs the dash or not! If only I could find my Atlantean Style Guide. This reporter can't get anybody to talk to him though because nobody finds the topic of Aquaman very interesting. What's there to say? He speaks with fish and his color choices are questionable at best. Boom! We've exhausted the topic!

The title of this issue is "Life & Death" so I'm expecting it to get very philosophical!

Hmm. What's the difference between "very philosophical" and regular old "philosophical?" I think, as a Writer with a capital "W", I'm not supposed to use the word "very." I should probably also commit to whether I'm going to keep punctuation inside closing quotes or outside of them!

Fuck! Where the hell is that Atlantean Style Guide?!

Oh! I think "philosophical" is where one person says something they think is profound and the other person continues eating their delicious cake without pause and "very philosophical" is where one person says something they think is profound and the other person pauses, makes a bit of a frown while looking at a space between themselves and the corner of the table and does a slight head nod before continuing eating their cake. "Super Philosophical" results in a cake spit take and the cake-eater spending the rest of the week unable to sleep.

And philosophical is what happens! The brawl has come to a stop (Definition of "brawl?": barely philosophical) as The Karaquan communicates its secret origin telepathically to Aquaman.

Arthur learns The Karaquan is a conscientious objector that was forced to fight Atlantis's battles.

This is a "very" good turn of events! I'm always bitching about how Aquaman forces sea creatures into fighting for him with no reward and definitely with no option of telling Aquaman to go fuck himself! What is going to happen when Aquaman realizes he can't just summon a bunch of sharks willy nilly to breach the surface and eat disgusting tasting parademons? Is Aquaman going to have to befriend all of the sea creatures and ask politely? What good is that power if he can't even rely on the creatures around him to help out? I think I can suddenly see the future as clearly as Madame Xanadu and it's an image of Aquaman handing in his Justice League card as Batman mutters, "Ugh. We thought you were useless before...."

Aquaman goes back to battling the Karaquan, severely maiming the creature by cutting off all of its tongues. That's pretty fucked up, Aquaman. While I realize you were saving the people that look most like you, I thought you were King of the Sea? Doesn't that mean you have a responsibility to all sea creatures no matter how large and grotesque and hungry they are? You may have just destroyed this creature's ability to feed. You can't know that its tongues will heal. Also, would you save a bunch of dolphins from being eaten by this creature? When is it wrong for a creature to eat another creature to maintain its life? Is it only wrong when the creatures being eaten look like you? Is that it? You speciesist bastard.

And then we get some explanations as to why the creature suddenly appeared.

Even Dr. Shin gets the irony of his being the moral compass.

Also on board Triton Base is some guy named Coombs. Lord Google tells me he's the secret identity of some Aquaman foe named Creature King who is not documented in either of my Who's Who comics. So he's either newer than 1993 or way super duper older! With a name like Creature King, I'm guessing he's ancient history.

At some point during Aquaman's battle, he's hit so hard that he remembers an old memory of his father. A happier time when the lighthouse was his entire world and Black Manta had not yet caused the death of his father. Stupid Black Manta. Taking away Arthur's childhood innocence! Figuratively, I mean! That would be illegal and disgusting if I meant it literally. I also might figuratively mean the already figurative meaning of it but that begins to get too confusing. So let's just say that Arthur was always happy up until his dad died.

Anyway, his dad taught him the importance of being the Keeper! He must protect the land from the sea and the sea from the land! From his phallus on the shore of a wide, wet expanse, he must make sure that no hankey-pankey takes place. Especially the unwilling kind of hankey-pankey which should be referred to as neither hankey nor pankey!

To save the people of Reykjavik, Arthur shoves his trident through the Karaquan's brain. I don't know if he killed it or he lobotomized it but he definitely didn't win this battle. All he did was kill an innocent sea creature that didn't know its own strength, a creature that had woken up confused and hungry and couldn't be responsible for its own actions. Hopefully Aquaman will think on this and change the way he treats his fellow sea creatures.

Um. Ew. How little respect does this guy have for his King?! If Aquaman wants to defile the defeated creature, that's his business and nobody should sarcastically comment on the appropriateness or inappropriateness of the defilement.

Aquaman did kill the creature and he has no regrets because he knew if it wasn't stopped, it would have eaten everybody in Iceland. I don't know. I know they're a nice people and run a respectable country but would it really have been that big of a deal? Afterward, the creature probably would have moved down to Scotland, deep fried some Scots, ate them, and died of heart disease.

The creature immolates and Neol the Judgmental proclaims that is the way of all the "Avatar Beasts of Atlantis." So there are more? I suppose Creature King will eat some of the Karaquan's brain the Triton Base guys collected and he'll gain the power to control the remaining Avatar Beasts.

Aquaman also gets thanked by some of the local fishermen for saving their lives. Oh, now they're Aquaman fans! I bet they were making Aquaman fucking fish jokes right before all this shit went down! No wonder Aquaman doesn't even respond to them. He knows what's in the hearts of land dwellers! And so do I! More Aquaman jokes!

Aquaman senses the Karaquan's stolen brains moving away and decides to investigate. Meanwhile at Triton Base, Coombs the Once and Future Creature King is about to be attacked by sharks.

Aquaman #27 Rating: +1 Ranking. Aquaman had a bit of a run there where I didn't find it very interesting. It really felt like rehashing every Aquaman story that always gets rehashed. This story feels like its going in a new direction (well, not totally new if they're reviving an old Aquaman foe named Creature King!) and I hope Parker really delves into Aquaman's relationship with the sea creatures he commands. Or would that just cause things to get too complicated? No! What is "too complicated" in story telling? That just means more enjoyable!

Aquaman #26

This comic book hasn't been cancelled yet?

Who would have guessed the Aquaman Fanbase could support two years worth of an Aquaman series! Especially since they've mostly been getting the same old fucking stories they've always gotten! Except he didn't get a stupid new uniform, so that's a change in a normal Aquaman reboot. He did get a beard for a bit but his evil twin got the fucking hook. And he hasn't been riding gigantic seahorses (at least not personally) nor has he been defeating undersea villains with Twinkies. But he has battled for the throne of Atlantis and he's fought with his brother Orm and he's had to deal with ignorant land dwellers and he battled whaling ships. What more is there? Hopefully Jeff Parker has some new Aquaman stories ready to go! And I hope they're funny! And I hope we get to see Aquaman in a fucking suit. Maybe a suit is too casual for somebody who's used to wearing Royal Atlantean Battle Armor everywhere he fucking goes.

The issue begins with the Yellow Submarine penetrating deep into the Atlantic Ocean's nether regions. Holy shit, I just got horny! Now I'm hoping when Aquaman appears, he'll be in a Speedo! With one extra high pressure testicles sticking out. I wonder if Aquaman's balls hurt when he walks around on land? They're used to the high pressures in the depths of Atlantis, so wouldn't they be aching to burst in the lower pressures at sea level? I bet they swell right up! Maybe that's why Arthur constantly wears the battle armor! Perhaps it exerts a comfortable pressure across his entire body so he feels as if he's still under the ocean?

I was watching Dexter earlier and he used Arthur Curry as an alias! Also I shouldn't have mentioned that I'm watching Dexter because people might be tempted to talk about it and drop spoilers all over the place. Well don't! If you've read my warning story about what happens to people that spoil shit for me, you'll know to keep your fucking trap shut! Gail Simone is really pushing the boundaries on her Tumblr by posting Batgirl and The Movement shit that I have to skip quickly past! I may just have to leer at her evilly next time I see her at a convention! Or maybe I should just read that shit as quickly as possible since I'm following her on Tumblr! I know how she is! Always self-promoting! Good for her. Self-promotion is the hardest part of being creative.

Oh! An explanation as to why Arthur's testicles behave normally on land!

The Yellow Submarine is eventually eaten by the Godzilla of Atlantis. I will call him Atlzilla because there's no way I could have come up with something easier to say. My fucking hands were tied. Atlzilla or nothing, really.

Some reporter named Evans is wandering around Amnesty Bay trying to get a story on Aquaman but everybody is too embarrassed to admit that he lives nearby. I wonder if the police chief has built a high-powered spotlight with a fish on it that he can shine into the ocean when he needs help with backed up toilets and, umm, other problems that you wouldn't want to waste an actual super hero's time with.

Down in Atlantis, Aquaman is failing to do his kingly duties (not sex! Bureaucratic nonsense!).

What do you mean by "that girl," Mera? You mean responsible and helpful? "Well, I don't want to be the one to tell you that you suck as the King of Atlantis but none of these other Atlantean losers is going to." Oh wait! I know what Mera means! She doesn't want to be his Goddamned Secretary!

Meanwhile the council adjourns once again without getting any business done because they apparently need the King of Atlantis to dot all of their fucking "i"s. Why the hell did Arthur decide to take on the job of King again? His dog must have had the smelliest farts ever if he wanted to get away from it this badly.

Oh man! I hope there will occasionally be Aquadog back-up stories!

So far in this issue, the art has been "enh" for me. Not "meh" though! I hate "meh!" I distinctly meant "enh!" But I really fucking love Mera's look in this panel. Aquaman's okay too. But Mera is pushing adorable here.

I suppose this is a different artist than the previous pages seeing as how there were a shitload of artists credited. Shitload being the appropriate amount of hyperbole for the more specific number "four".

Aquaman gets wind of Atlzilla off the coast of Greenland or Iceland or somewhere. I just read it last page and I've forgotten. Plus, I'm too lazy to turn the page back to fact check. But it doesn't really matter, does it? I mean, Lobdell and DeFalco spent months moving the base of N.O.W.H.E.R.E. between Antarctica and the Arctic and nobody fucking gave a shit! So I'm guessing it doesn't matter what country Atlzilla is about to fuck up.

Aquaman and Mera have devised a new way for Aquaman to travel. That's what's going on on the cover. That was a fucking weird sentence, wasn't it? Anyway, Mera does this low pressure thing that causes Aquaman to shoot out of the ocean like shit out of a hippo, sending him into orbit where he takes a look around, angles himself just right, and dives back down to whatever location needs the help of a guy that can speak with fish. I don't know why he doesn't just get on his Justice League communicator and tell Batman there's something Batman needs to take care of in Greenland. Or Iceland. Bah, Batman can figure it out.

Aquaman lands on the beast that looks like one of those crabmen from the Fallout games. Except it's super huge. Bigger even! So Aquaman fights it for awhile while Superman is busy making Rhubarb Soup for Wonder Woman. Where are the cosmic heroes of this sector when you need them? Where the fuck are the Red Lanterns?!

The Atlantean Council recognizes this beast as something called the Karaqan. The Greeks must have pidginized it into Kraken! Mera says the Xebel version of the mythic beast is Antiarhk. When I was twelve, I probably would have recognized what that's a reference to. But now that I'm older and more mature, I pretend not to know mythology because I'm into stocks and suits and not into flying kites and skipping and masturbating whenever the slightest breeze turns me on. Nope! No way! I take care of man business now! I shake hands and look people in the eye! I talk about portfolios and future investments! I score with the ladies in that way that ladies like! I think it involves fixing cars and paying for meals or something. I forget. It's late or else I'd really go into detail about my super promiscuous romantic life!

Supposedly the Karaqan was a guardian beast of Atlantis that could be controlled by Atlantean Royalty. Arthur doesn't know that but he tries to telepathically control it anyway. With strange results.

That white text on a lilac background is really hard to read. Unless that's lavender and not lilac.

Aquaman #26 Rating: No change. I'm not going to change the rankings on any comic books from here on out! They're all going to remain exactly where they are, day in and more days in! Unless they really move me in some way. I mean personally! They have to affect me in the same way that Slingblade affects me! Or the last paragraph in the novel Cujo! Or that moment when my tongue is in somebody's butthole and I just can't hold out any longer! Anything that makes me feel like one of those things will move up in rank! And anything that makes me think "Did Ann Nocenti write this?" will lose a rank! Also, I'll probably change my mind about all of this by the time I finish reading my next comic book.

Aquaman Annual #1

Aquaman almost looks like he's enjoying this.

For some reason, I really thought this was the second Aquaman Annual this year. The John Ostrander Others' Interlude issue felt like an annual, I guess. Maybe it also came out the same week as a bunch of annuals. Whatever the case, now all of my "two Annuals in one year" jokes aren't going to work! And I've been writing them in my head all night! And by all night, I mean the amount of time it took to scan the cover of this issue before I noticed the huge #1 on the side.

This issue begins in the East China Sea which I don't believe is a truly sanctioned sea, so Aquaman is out of his league. Get it? League! As in an ocean term that means something oceany! I think a league is the distance a pirate ship can travel while the Captain rapes the cabin boy. Unless that's a furlong! As in, "The Captain can't last furlong now, what with his scurvy causing a bad case of limp dick. Oh and 'Arr' and whatnot."

Oh yeah! The thing about the East China Sea is that it's full of mutated fish monsters calling for help. Aquaman has decided he'll help them because nobody else is calling for his help. I mean, there was that one guy having some trouble with pop-eye in his tropical aquarium but screw him. It's like the third time in six months. He should really give up the fish hobby.

The creatures first goal (by which I mean the first goal of the person controlling the creatures. Duh!) is to attack The Operative and his grandson and his grandson's lady friend Sky (the newest The Other!). But Aquaman is there to save the day the way he never does!

I wonder when I last had fish sticks? Are fish sticks a thing you just stop eating when you reach a certain age? I remember loving it when Fish Sticks were on the weekly menu for lunch in elementary school. The thought of them definitely isn't appealing anymore. What changed?! Where did my innocence go?! I wonder if there is a reverse correlation between how much a person desires fish sticks and the amount of time one spends masturbating? I should do a study! Where's my grant money?!

It turns out the mutant fish creatures are just a distraction while the mutant winged monkeys steal Vostok's mask from out of The Operative's Living Room. I love that comic books allow me to type sentences like that. Once The Operative and Aquaman realize the true mission was to steal one of the Atlantean relics, they decide to gather the other The Others. That means Ya'wara is going to appear soon in her jungle bikini!

This is me showing lots of self-control as I refrain from doing something that I can't even mention or else I wouldn't be refraining from doing it!

The Others meet up in the Living Room so that Sky can explain their powers to the new people that haven't been reading Aquaman but decided to give the Annual a try for some reason.

Why is Aquaman being so mysterious? He's been hanging out with The Batman too much. Batman always has to have the advantage, so he never opens up about anything! I'll tell you one thing Aquaman's trident does: it blinds people! Although that might be inherent in its design and not part of its magic power.

The Others figure out that somebody named Madame Xan in Hong Kong has taken the helmet. For some reason, I'm strongly disliking this new villain! "Madame Xan?" She sounds like a cunt. She also sounds like a witch but that might be because she has flying monkeys and because everything is pointing out that she's involved in heavy magic. Hopefully she doesn't have the same weakness that the other witch with the flying monkeys had! Because that's the prefect job for somebody named Aquaman!

The Others arrive but Madame Xan is waiting for them. She sets a trap which separates them so that she can offer all of them their heart's desire if only they'll join her. I bet they all refuse because they're heroes! I think. They did originally join up to kill Black Manta, right? That's not really heroic. Maybe they'll all take Madame Xan's offers! That would be a good twist!

Oh yeah. That's why she looked so familiar on the cover!

Morgaine le Fay had a plan. She decided to become immortal so that she, well, you know, would never die and shit. But she realized the flaw in her plan! The Earth can still die! So she either needs to save it (for some reason. I think she actually just wants to kill off all the humans because they're assholes and they're annoying her) or she needs to leave the planet. And since Vostok's mask rejected her, she can't leave. So now she wants The Others to help her "save" the planet. We all know the planet doesn't really need saving. So I think she just wants to kill the humans.

Aquaman and The Others decide not to deal with her so she begins destroying Hong Kong. Why the urgency? I think she's just had a really bad day. Although it turns out Ya'wara bought into the scheme, so she begins betraying The Others. Of course. I would have guessed Aquaman would have betrayed them because he's not good at having friends. Ya'wara doesn't accomplish much without her kitty cats. While she's failing to defeat The Others, Aquaman uses the magic of his trident to defeat Morgaine le Fay. I think his trident absorbs magic or something. Maybe he just stabbed her with it. I hope he explains how he defeated her on the last page and everybody laughs uproariously.

Ya'wara quits the group but keeps her orb and everybody kind of lives happily ever after. Although the one Apache spirit in Sky's ghostland proves himself to be as inflexible as Aquaman's ancestor Orin. He tells Sky that if she walks with a white man, she'll lose her powers. What a dick! I think he just doesn't care for The Operative's grandson.

Aquaman Annual #1 Rating: Can The Others get their own title already? Not because I'm excited to read a monthly book about them. I just wish they'd let Aquaman star in his own fucking comic book. Stop hogging the spotlight, The Others!

Darkseid #1

You don't see this often enough in comics: a sudden attack of diarrhea in the middle of battle.

I'm almost certain that Darkseid shits himself every time he lets loose with an Omega Beam. It's just too powerful to not have a built-in flaw. No respectable Role Playing System would allow this kind of attack without a major penalty. And I think being the Would-Be Conqueror of the Universe would be a bit adverse to shitting himself on the battlefield. Although now I've just realized what Desaad's Number One job is. Or should I say Number Two job! Ha ha! Poop jokes!

I hope this issue follows the Tristram Shandy model and tells about Darkseid's conception. Except maybe not take as long to get to the birth because I want to see Baby Darkseid explode out of his mother's alien vagina with his fists pumped in the air and yelling "It's all mine, bitches!" as he blasts the doctor in the face with his Omega Effect and shits all over his mother's blown out poonanny.

What is the etymology of "poonanny?" Is it because the vagina watches over the asshole in a motherly way? Do vaginas do everything in a motherly way? I know my penis does everything like some asshole Junior High School football coach.

I'm not going to talk about Darkseid in this commentary. Y'all know Darkseid. He's a stupid looking motherfucker that's supposed to be some kind of a bad-ass. He actually looks much better in his modern version than back when Jack Kirby was drawing him. Now, now. Don't get your kittens in a twist over me criticizing The Kirbyman! But his Darkseid just looked like a balding tourist lost in the Ginza while looking for the Red Light District and practicing how to say "Do you give handjobs?" in Japanese.

Japan is a pretty awesome place to visit because people hand you tissues on every single street corner. They understand that you're going to masturbate quite a lot during your visit. Not because you're foreign and not because Japan is some super pervy jerk-off station (although every other video game in the arcade was a puzzle game where you uncovered a naked lady. So I could be wrong about Japan not being a pervy jerk-off station) but because they get that masturbation is going to happen. It's that whole idle hands thing. Sometimes you don't even know you're in the mood and you suddenly think, "Whoa! Hey hand! What are doing down there?" And the next thing you know, you're thinking about that girl walking in front of you in the sundress that was almost but not quite flipping up enough to see her ass. Or the guy in the tight whatevers you people that are into men look for to make you hot. Maybe a dick falling out of a flyhole? Broad shoulders with a long penis? It's a mystery to me! Although I like asses and men have asses! So it's probably the same thing except most men don't wear sundresses. Oh but if they did, amirite, manlovers?

Did you know Darkseid and Highfather were Amish?

Darkseid's career choice on Old Genesis was mud-grubber. I think that's a euphemism for shit farmer. He wanders around New Genesis picking up the gigantic turds and pools of semen which the Old Gods fling all over Old Genesis. He uses the waste as fertilizer for their Oddish crops.

Old God sex right over the village! Cha-ching!

Darkseid gets sick and tired not of grubbing mud but of listening to his stupid brother-in-law praise the stupid Old Gods of stupid Old Genesis. So Darkseid decides to whisper in the ears of the Old Gods as they sleep and that's all it takes to set them at war on each other. Good thing the Old Gods were full of self-doubt and low self-esteem! I often wake from dreams where my cat was pissing on my pillow, find that it was just a dream, and then go punch my cat in the face anyway. "You stupid jerk! If my subconscious decided you were capable of such a betrayal, it must be true! Asshole!"

Oh, don't worry! I'd never actually punch my cat in the face! I usually go for the kidneys.

I think the word you're looking for, Greg Pak, is "worship." The Old Gods feed on worship. This scene has nothing to do with faith. Idiot. This is my first inkling that my friend J.T. was right about you and your stupid writing!

Sometimes I go outside and I look at the tree in the backyard and I say, "Tree. I don't believe in you." Because I lack faith. I suppose if you want to be really idiotically philosophical, you can say that I'm taking the images of the tree that the light brings to the biological function provided by my eyeballs and the interpretation of that sense data by my brain is an act of faith in the existence of the tree. But I'm not into philosophical masturbating. So I don't perceive everything as "an act of faith."

Somehow Darkseid takes his little scythe and goes about killing all of the Old Gods. I think Greg Pak has been playing too much God of War recently. Or else this story is entirely metaphorical. Because it's just stupid to think that a lowly little mud grubber could kill one Old God, let alone them all, even if the Old God's were weary from fighting each other.

So I'm not going to be taking this story literally at all. And DC eventually will realize how fucking stupid it is too and let a better writer rewrite Darkseid's past. But if it is a metaphor, what really happened? I believe Darkseid and Highfather and all the other residents of Old Genesis did believe in Gods. But they were Gods that did not exist. The scene where the village was destroyed? It was just a natural disaster which Highfather and his wife believe they survived due to their praying and their faith. But Darkseid decided to delve into the realm of science to understand why things happened the way they did. And he learned that the answer to "how" or "why" was never "The Old Gods." There was always an explanation even if they didn't know what that explanation was yet. And he brought science to the people of Old Genesis and they learned to disbelieve in the Old Gods. So Darkseid "killed" them with science and technology. But he soon began to use that science and technology in ways that were dark and troublesome to the people of Old Genesis. His brother, Highfather, grew worried and decided that science still needed a moral and ethical compass behind its uses. He tried to get his brother to stop designing weapons and dangerous materials simply because science allowed for their creation. And war erupted between the two brothers. Old Genesis was nearly destroyed by this war and the mighty weapons that Darkseid had created. The planet became nearly lifeless; unlivable.

With his technology, Darkseid created a new planet called Apokolips where he ruled brutally. Highfather developed technology to take to the skies on what he now dubbed New Genesis (as seen in Wonder Woman!). And that's they way it really happened although most people tell the myth of creation as the Mud Grubber versus the Old Gods.

After all this preamble and prologue, Greg Pak gets to the part of the story that ties in with what he's writing over in Batman Loves Superman.

Coyote! I mean, Kaiyo!

I know we all purchased this book to learn about Darkseid but Greg Pak has added some bonus material! Let's learn about why Kaiyo fled Apokolips and headed to Earth 2 to get the Earth heroes ready to kill Darkseid because Darkseid won't let Kaiyo laugh! Oh, well, I just spoiled it. That was all there was to learn. That there was no laughter on Apokolips. So Kaiyo left. And Darkseid followed. Which is why everybody on Earth 2 nearly died. And everyone on Earth Prime as well. And, I imagine, Darkseid made an assault (or will make one) on all of the other Earths too.

Oh, I got ahead of myself. Apparently Kaiyo bounced from Earth 34 to Earth 49 to Earth 26 until she finally settled on Earth 2 and then Earth Prime where he was finally defeated handily. Yes, he was defeated on Earth 2 as well although just barely.

And that's how Darkseid built up his collection of Supermans. But he's still trying to collect them all! He's not done yet.

Darkseid is building some kind of composite Superman on Apokolips made from pieces of Supermen from across many dimensions. Maybe it'll be a better Bizarro Superman than Lex Luthor's Bizarro Superman! Or maybe it'll just be Doomsday. Or Harvest!

Darkseid #1 Rating: This was a decent enough take on Darkseid's history as long as I continue to believe the first part of the story is just that metaphor I described. I'm also a bit surprised that I didn't hate the Kaiyo explanation for the Boom Tubes and Darkseid discovering The New 52 Universes. Although I am a bit weirded out by Darkseid's Superman collection. How many Earths had a Superman and now don't because of a Darkseid invasion? I hate the idea that possibly a dozen or more have all experienced the same basic war and defeat. Also that so many Earths had the same version of Superman. Where's Rabbit Superman? Or Superwoman? Or Reverse-Superman? The pile of dead Supermen all look the same!