Sinestro #10

Is this DC Comics' final "Fuck you!" to the Comics Code Authority? Some guy pissing all over himself right on the cover of the book?

I've said it before but I think it bears repeating in this age of Outraged Twitter Pile-ons: businesses really need to invest in a Department of Cynicism. Just set aside an office for a couple of smart-ass men and women to glance at every product before you ship it out of the door. If it's a Play-doh molder that looks like a penis or a picture of Sinestro that looks like he's pissing all over himself as he hangs upside down, you'll catch it before you let it out into the world creating a firestorm of faux outrage. Seriously, though, we all know the outrage is mostly faux simply because people have too much time on their hands with too little meaning in their lives. I guess getting pissed off at toys that look like cocks and taking it to your local television news station makes people feel like crusaders for justice. But for every person that was upset by the Play-doh cum machine, I guarantee you there were at least two dozen parents who laughed about it and then still gave it to their kid to play with because who the fuck cares? Kids are innocent little turds! They just want to squeeze Play-doh out of a tube. They aren't going to fellate the fucking thing once the parents leave the room.

Anyway, a Department of Cynicism would be the easiest thing in the world and probably save companies a ton of money. Just stock an office with video games, salty snacks, kittens, and soda pop to keep your cynics happy. Then run your ideas past them a few times a day and they'll let you know if you've accidentally developed a fruit snack that looks like an anal sphincter. You should probably also allow them unchecked internet access to keep their cynicism honed to a razor's edge.

Last issue, Sinestro was captured by the Apex League, a group of vigilantes who were looking for a weapon to use against The Paling. I guess Warworld seemed like a pretty good weapon. Also, Sinestro must not have taken a leak for quite some time before he was captured. You know, you'd never see Hal Jordan pissing himself. Although his willpower might be buttressed by his fear of people knowing a grown man pissed himself while Sinestro knows no fear and thus doesn't mind people knowing that he pissed in his own face.

I'm going to write a lot about pissing in faces this commentary.

The issue also contains more vomit kink than I expected.

Sinestro is beaten by the Apex League and Mongul because his ring loses all of its juice. This time Sinestro's ring was drained by some weapon of Mongul's. And while that kind of thing seems to happen a lot to ringbearers, I have another question! When did the rings begin reporting how little charge they had left? Didn't the fucking things used to last twenty-four hours no matter what? Now it's as if they run on a limited supply of fuel. I suppose readers were tired of Green Lanterns going in to battle only to realize when all hell was breaking loose that they hadn't recharged their rings. Then every reader was all, "What the fuck? You can't take a few extra seconds to recharge the goddamned thing before heading out? You have one job and you keep forgetting to do that one job, you idiot Hal!" I suppose building tension is more believable when the ring runs out due to being overused rather than the wearer having forgotten to charge it.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe they always used to run out due to excessive use. Unless Green Lantern was a guest in a comic book I read, or a member of a larger team, I didn't really follow him much. Although I did follow Guy Gardner because he was super cool with a slick outfit and a fashionable haircut. I like the way he was constantly mean to everybody. Take that, you self-righteous a-holes!

Later Sinestro is going to wish he'd pissed himself here while he was still upright.

Meanwhile back on New Korugar correctly located this issue in Sector 3567, the Sinestro Corps receive the "distress signal" that Sinestro sent out. The signal split into two beams so the other one is probably off bugging Hal Jordan, Sinestro's best friend and greatest enemy. In the message, Sinestro pleads for help because he's a useless failure that was easily captured by Mongul and he really needs to pee. He might not have said it in those exact words but the Corps could tell that's what he meant by his stance, less rigid than usual, and his pee pee dance body language.

Mongul discovered Relic's ring-draining technology just floating around in space after the Green Lanterns defeated him because apparently none of the Green Lanterns feel like cleaning up after a fight is their job. Besides, space is so vast, why should they worry about the worst technology in the universe falling into the hands of their enemies? Just let it float around in space! No big deal! Well, it was a very big deal! Now Sinestro and his Corps are about to die and Mongul is going to steal Parallax out of Sinestro's urine! Good going, Green Lanterns. Can we add this to your already too long list of fuck-ups?

This is Venomous Shade of the Apex League. He's going to be switching sides soon.

The Sinestro Corps arrive but Sinestro doesn't care because he has no confidence in them. If he was defeated by Mongul, it's obvious that they'll be defeated too. But Sinestro doesn't really care about that either way. He just hopes that his other summons is answered because it will prove that Bekka loves him too. And she answers the summons wearing the yellow ring he gave her. Sinestro has a girlfriend!

Sinestro #10 Rating: No change. From now on instead of trying to say something critical and review-like after giving the rating, I'm just going to give the comic book a Ratings Metaphor. Sinestro #10 is the first time I'm doing this so this is to acclimate you to the new experience. Let me do this whole ratings paragraph over with how it will look in future comic book reviews:

Sinestro #10 Rating: No change. It was as exciting as the cover to an advertisement for Microprose games from 1997!

Sinestro #9

I thought Mongul was still hiding from Brainiac in the Phantom Zone?

Lately every time I sit down to read another comic, I become overwhelmed by sadness and loss. I've been doing this commentary thing for a little over three years and during that time, I had a constant companion somewhere near me. On my desk. In my comic book boxes behind my head. On his comic book box perch beside me. Beside me in the lawn chair when writing out back in the summer. In my lap.

Judas, my best friend for fifteen years.

And lately it's just hit me how lonely it feels getting on the laptop to write another commentary without him nearby. Especially when it's a comic book that I don't really care about. I used to spend as much time petting Judas and talking to him as I did reading and writing. He was as good a distraction from tediousness as he was a deadly hunter of sticky hands and wacky wallwalkers. I just wanted to acknowledge my pain and sadness before trying to be funny. You know, grease the humor wheels!

Now that Sinestro can get back to his own storyline and he doesn't have to deal with Hal Jordan's next vehicle to show the universe that he means something, he's going to once again have to deal with The Paling. He'd thought he'd taken care of them before getting caught up in his best friend and most hated enemy's problems. But they're back! And they don't give a shit! Because giving a shit is the problem, you see? If you can just wipe emotion out of your life, you'll be free! Free to not care that you're being enslaved and manipulated by some pale, apathetic assholes. Free to not give a shit when they decimate your world and fuck your boyfriend. Free from worry! Free from strife! Free from choice! Free from joyfully cackling over ubiquitous videos of kittens misjudging jumps and falling on their faces. You're even free from feeling gratitude to The Paling for freeing you from the roller coaster of having emotions.

Besides Sinestro and his Corps, it looks like another group have a grudge against The Paling as well.

With laughter! Man the joke books! Memorize the Robin Williams' albums! And arm yourselves with sadness! Remember your dead friends! And arm yourselves with anger! Realize that Buck Buck and Old Weird Harold and Fat Albert and Noah and drifting backwards into the bay in a Volkswagen are tainted memories! Also arm yourselves with whatever other emotions exist. Willpower, I think?

Currently the Yellow Lanterns are in a fictional place (more fictional than the usual fictional places they hang out in) called "Sector 3601." Is that outside of the regular DC Universe? Cullen Bunn is the guy that doesn't know the difference between a galaxy and a universe, so he probably didn't do his due diligence on understanding the way the DC Universe is divided up into 3600 sectors. I'm sure he's going to use Sector 3601 as a sector outside of the Green Lantern Corps' jurisdiction. And it's possible that my understanding of the sectors is completely wrong and totally made up in my mind. But since the number is 3600, it seems to relate to the number of degrees in a circle. So I always pictured all the sectors extending outward from Oa in pyramid-like shapes, growing larger as they grew further from Oa. And every galaxy within that sector as it expanded to the edges of the known universe were patrolled by two Lanterns. Did I just make that up in my own logical and smarter than everybody else's head?

Sinestro ignores his underlings because he's in loOoOoOoOoOve with Bekka of New Genesis! Somebody get this pushover a Violet Ring already! Pee-yuke!

Arkillo is a little miffed about the situation since it was Bekka that cut off his fingers. Now he has to wear his yellow ring on fake yellow fingers of light. Why doesn't he just wear it on his other hand? Does he masturbate with the other hand and he doesn't like how the ring catches on his pubic hair? Actually, I don't think Arkillo has pubic hair since he seems to be evolved from some kind of walrus. I think those are mostly hairless! I should probably look that up instead of passing it on as an incorrect fact much the way Ann Nocenti would do.

Looking it up on the internet, source of all correct information, I found a picture of walruses from a distance with the caption that reads: The hair on a walrus is hard to see. Yeah, especially from twenty feet away! Thanks a lot, Internet. Anyway, they kind of have hair but it's not long enough to get caught in a ring while masturbating.

Black Mercys! Who could be behind this?! Seriously, I don't think Jim Starlin is writing this so who is it?

Sinestro sends Dez, Arkillo, and Soranik home so that he and Lyssa can face Mongul on their own. For some reason. Maybe Sinestro will Narration Box why he doesn't want his army with him when he faces Mongul. Knowing Sinestro's complex character traits and myriad motivations, I'm sure the reason he wants to face Mongul alone will be unguessable. Or it's his pride.

Sinestro does indeed find Mongul waiting for him. Mongul and Warworld. That's funny because I thought they were in the Phantom Zone. But what do I know, right? I'm just a slacker with an internet tested IQ of 28 who has read just about every DC Comic book since The New 52 began. That doesn't mean I remember any of it!

I suppose, if I don't want to be a pesky dickface, I can assume that when the Phantom Zone Projector exploded at the end of the Doomed story arc, that it freed Mongul and Warworld and shot them into the fictional Sector 3601. I suppose, if I want to be gracious and kind, I can believe that. Fuck gracious and kind. Somebody screwed up!

I don't know why Mongul called Sinestro out to fight in Sector 3601 after school but here we are! Sinestro mentions that Mongul's skin is too tough for his light to penetrate, so he sends his yellow construct up through Mongul's dickhole. No, seriously. He asks Mongul where Mongul thinks he was able to breach Mongul's defenses: "Your pores? Beneath a fingernail? Through a hair follicle?"

That smile definitely says "dickhole."

I guess sometime in pre-Flashpoint, Sinestro kicked Mongul's ass and this plan is just Mongul's way of getting revenge. Mongul mentions something called the Mongul Corps, so this must have happened in the Geoff Johns Rainbow Years where Geoff Johns just thought he was the smartest fucker in the room. Probably thought he had an IQ of like 32 or something. Braggart.

Sinestro hates Mongul because he sees himself in Mongul and he hates himself. So why does he hate Jordan? Because he sees somebody totally different from himself and he hates everybody totally different from himself? Does Sinestro not like anything?

Just as Sinestro is about to unleash his killing blow on Mongul, he's blasted out of his uniform by some glowing fucker. This guy claims to be a member of the Apex League and they need Sinestro's help to defeat The Paling! Probably.

My guesses as to the identities of the Apex League from left to right: Ennui, Star Cluster Face, Naked Robot, Flaming Duck Feet, Curmudgeon, and The Grump.

Sinestro #9 Rating: No change. I don't know. At least the artist knew which one of Arkillo's hands was maimed. I guess that shows somebody put some effort into this comic book. And how about that last page reveal of the evil villain group?! I've never seen that done before! Now I'm excited for next month's issue to find out who they are! Too bad by next month, I'll have completely forgotten how this issue ended and I'll open up the issue and think, "Who the fuck are these guys?"

Batman Loves Superman #7

Is this comic book ever going to right itself? Did Brett Booth take a blow to the head recently? Does he not remember the proper orientation of comic books?

I have a nagging feeling that I'm going to get chastised for suggesting that a comic book has a "proper orientation!" How dare I suggest that the traditional and most oft-used orientation of comic books be the "proper" one! Well, I'll tell you why I can say that! Because the orientation the creative team is using in Batman/Superman #7 makes it a calendar!

This issue begins with a woman delivering mail. It really draws the reader in quickly as the reader wonders, "Will she be able to mail her package on time? Or will her life be forever ruined because the line moves too slowly and she can't get her loan application postmarked by 5:00!?" I suppose that might draw the reader in if the reader wasn't like me and didn't immediately start berating the woman for waiting until the last minute to get her loan application in the mail. She can't blame the people in line in front of her simply because they were better prepared and arrived at a decent time to get their errands done. She can't blame the postal employees even if they drag their feet with each customer because it's her own fault for waiting so long. I suppose if I were kind, I could imagine that she's done everything just as promptly as possible and has still arrived at this moment in time where she must now rely on the speed with which other people live their lives. But I'm not kind at all. I'm a jerk. I'm a huge asshole. Which is why I also can't bring myself to blame Batman and Superman for her failure when they bust every window in the post office while fighting each other, causing the postal employees to flee for their lives as the clock ticks over to 5 PM and the woman misses her deadline.

I won't blame them. But it looks like she will.

This moment is as ridiculous as those situations that used to arise in the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup commercials where somebody walking along with a jar of peanut butter would wind up nearly killing somebody holding a chocolate bar and they would discover the joy of peanut butter on chocolate. Who walks around eating peanut butter out of a jar in public? And if that person exists and another person happens to accidentally get their chocolate bar into the peanut butter jar, what kind of peanut butter jar carrying asshole suddenly decides that half of that chocolate bar is now his? The only person that should discover the delicious taste of peanut butter and chocolate is the grungy person that doesn't mind fishing her chocolate out of a stranger's peanut butter jar with her filthy hands and trusting that the peanut butter now on the end of that chocolate bar is not covered in hepatitis or syphilis (that's how those diseases are transmitted, right? From double dipped peanut butter?). And then after taking a bite, that person could then choose to share her discovery with the asshole that nearly broke her neck while roller blading down the street fingering a jar of peanut butter.

Anyway, this situation is just as ridiculous as the one I just proposed because who falls to the ground, angry and defeated about life, stoned on Mongul's Space Fury Pollen, just wanting to kill somebody and thinks, "Oh look. Google Glasses screaming 'Die die die' and 'Kill kill kill' at me. Might as well put them on and see what this is about!" Luckily for her, the glasses allow her to take her rage out on Superman as she now gets to control Nano-Enhanced Robot Batman.

But this woman is not the real villain. No, she is just a minor player in an epic struggle between mankind and the alien hordes that are dying to use mankind's rage to enslave the universe! That plan totally makes a lot of sense. And by "a lot of," I mean none at all. So I probably should have just said "none at all" instead of doing that cliche thing where I change the meaning of the phrase I just uttered just to underline my sarcasm. Now I just feel like a dirty, filthy internet blogger.

These are the butts of the real antagonists.

Toymaster Gameshop CTO, Whatsherfuckingname Crystalbones, has programmed a brilliant game that utilizes one million humans who believe they're controlling Batman and decide on the move they want to use against Superman. The game system picks the move most likely to get past Superman's defenses and chooses it. Whatsherfuckingname Crystalbones declares that each player has a million moves at their disposal and in a feat of amazingly accurate math, declares that each of Batman's punches is "literally one-in-a-trillion." And by "amazingly accurate," I mean "I'm fairly certain she fucking failed statistics so how did she program such an amazing game?" First off, each of the million players do not have one million different attacks at their disposal. I'll grant her that her amazing controller she invented allows for one million attacks. But then each punch is simply "one-in-a-million." I suppose if you want to mention 1 million twice and then pretend that you can multiply them together, you can carelessly declare that the trillion you've just come up with fits into her stupid word problem some how.

Although she does declare that the million users all have "millions of unique moves." But I don't know how long-lived Whatsherfuckingname Crystalbones is or how many alien programmers she employs, so I suppose it's possible that she somehow had enough time and manpower to think up one trillion different attacks. I have to admit she's probably a lot smarter than me because I can only come up with Round Kick, Jump Right, Low Punch, Jump Left, Back Kick, Back Round Kick, Jumping Back Kick, Foot Sweep Left, Front Kick, Lunge Punch, Jumping Kick, Low Kick, Foot Sweep Right, Jump, Block, Squat, and Move Forward. And of those, I'd simply continually attempt the "Lunge Punch" or the "Jumping Back Kick." Those always worked well!

Mongul wonders why the humans would continue to try to defeat Superman even as they all begin to realize it's not a game but reality. And Whatsherfuckingname Crystalbones begins blathering all that anti-Superman bullshit that I can't get behind because it paints humanity as a bunch of whining assholes that are more concerned with what others have than what's good in their own lives. I can't get behind humanity being like that. But I might be able to make an exception for Americans.

This is how I walk around Portland. I imagine people screaming at me, "You are not rich! You don't have a fancy handlebar mustache! You are not a DJ! You can't afford retro chic clothing that makes you look poor! You aren't nostalgic enough for last week!" Fuckers.

Mongul swells with pride as his scheme allows for the little people to enjoy their power. But mostly he's just engorged because he's going to kill everyone on Earth as he saps their hatred and anger to fuel his new Warworld. And the only person on Earth that can now stop his plan is The Toymaker! He kicks over the Alien Gaming Console in an effort to kill the program and save the world!

But stupid Superman saves the console from smashing into the ground because it might just be the only thing keeping Batman alive. Hey, look Superman. Batman's already dead and it's kind of your fault for ignoring Mongul's arrival in Gotham City. I say ignore because there is no way in hell you didn't hear all that space shit go down with your super hearing that you're always bragging about. You're always going on and on about hearing humanity's collective heartbeat speed up or how you can hear Lana Lang on the other side of the world flipping the fuck out. But when Batman needs help? "Oh, sorry! I must have spaced out for a second while you were getting a hole blown in your chest!" Now, I'm not laying all of the blame on you, Clark. Bruce is just as responsible for constantly insisting he doesn't need your help and that he is, in fact, better than you at everything. So now look where all your stupid game playing has gotten you guys? Fighting to the death playing a stupid game! Way to go, assholes.

This comic book should just be titled "Asshole/Big Dick." Maybe it couldn't be named that because that title was already taken by a gay porno mag.

Oh? Now it's 90 million? So I guess it was "literally" one-in-ninety-trillion. Unless the math is different!

Batman begins repeating my commentary when he tells Superman that the game has already killed him so Superman should just go ahead and destroy the console already. Looking back, I see I only got through half of that statement about Batman already being dead and that he wouldn't want to risk everybody's lives by remaining a Nano-Enhanced Robot version of himself because I was distracted by pointing out how Superman is a huge dick. But Batman gets it! Save the world, Superman! Batman has given his consent!

Superman decides instead of saving the world at Batman's expense, a better plan is to get killed by Batman so that he can become Nano-Enhanced Robot Superman. Good plan! I can't see anything going wrong with this one! I mean, the only downside to Batman being a Nano-Enhanced Super Robot was that he had no free will and was being controlled by 90 million raging gamerholics!

Oh! That must be Superman's plan! He'll now be controlled by 45 million or more of those gamerholics which will allow Batman to break free of their control and figure out how to save the day because Batman is much better at solving problems that need more than punching to solve them.

Crickets.

Batman learns a lesson in stupid comic book tropes by learning that after the heroes fight, they team up to beat the bad guy. Somebody says, "It's a trope 'cause it works." Oh, bullshit! It's a trope because most comic book writers are lazy bastards! It's easier to script "Enter Batman. Superman punches Batman. Batman punches Superman" than to script "Someone appears at the door and knocks. Superman: 'Who is it?' Voice from off-panel: 'It's Batman!' Superman opens the door and hugs Batman. Superman: 'Hi Batman! Glad to see you! I'm glad you didn't surprise me or I might have bopped you one on accident!' Batman: 'Oho! That would have been a bad mix-up that would have wasted much of our time discussing the real problem at hand!'"

Okay, maybe the punching is more exciting.

The trope works and all the raging gamers in the world actually decide to team up and defeat Mongul. I know this ending is bullshit because I play Halo and Call of Duty. In Halo, there's always plenty of people willing to drive their teammates off of a cliff in the Warthog. And in Call of Duty during Hardcore Ricochet where if you kill a teammate with one of your weapons, you die, there will always be at least one asshole going around blowing up his teammate's explosives so that it hurts them and kills the teammate that planted it. Fucking griefers.

Anyway, Mongul is defeated and tossed in the Phantom Zone and everything returns to normal! Hooray! And somehow Batman isn't dead! Yay! I guess the Nano-bots just rebuilt all of his organs so he's not a Nano-Enhanced Super Robot anymore; he's just normal Bruce Wayne, human. I guess. Whatever.

Nice job on consistency, Greg Pak! Fucking up your own themes from the first story arc where Batman trusts the boy to take care of his own problems and Superman doesn't so he interferes with the kid's life and saves him. Basically this is the opposite of that. Now Batman doesn't trust people to save themselves and Superman does. Oh yeah, by "nice job on consistency" I meant the exact opposite!

Batman Loves Superman #7 Rating: -3 Ranking. I have to give this comic book a negative ranking because it just sort of hand-waves away killing Batman and bringing him back to life so that he's completely normal again. And I suppose Superman was killed as well by a single punch of Nano-Enhanced Super Robot Batman which really fucking doesn't make any sense also. I'm also not a fan of Batman telling Superman people are afraid of him because he trusts them too much. That's just stupid! I'm always afraid of the people that trust me too much. More to the point, I resent them because they trust me to live my own life instead of doing everything for me! Assholes.

Batman Loves Superman #6

Mongul's biceps are bigger than his waist. And his head is smaller than his cock.

Last issue, Mongul decided to surprise everybody on Earth with a free video game system that tests their skills so that he can build an army out of video game geeks. His plan might work as long as he is able to keep all of his soldiers anonymous or else they'll lose their self-confidence and their balls of steel. "Balls of steel" is a genderless descriptor of the false bravado of members of the online community. I don't think the "balls" refers to testicles but to burning balls of rage that make up their entire being. I remember playing Halo years ago when it wasn't as easy to mute everybody and we just sort of took it for granted that we had to hear the other team. But you can only hear people screaming "faggot" and "nigger" so many times before you're looking for the button that tells you the phone number of your opponent's mom so you can tell her what kind of a shitbag her progeny has turned out to be. My friends and I used to speak in high pitched voices and treat everybody really super friendly while playing Halo. I don't think Mongul would have chosen us for his army.

Anyway, Batman tried to ruin Mongul's plan and wound up getting shot in the chest with a plasma rifle. Superman, who can hear everything in the world, did not rush to save him. And, I think, that's where this issue begins!

Oh God I hope it's not sideways this month.

Oh fuck me. Well, this will be the only time I leave the pictures sideways. Apparently I understand better than DC when a gimmick has run its fucking course.

Batman currently has a huge, gaping hole in his chest, so he's dead. Or, here's another theory, it's not Batman! I bet when Hiro gave Batman the cheat code to defeat Nightwing, he also managed to log him out of the game somehow, replacing himself with a virtual pre-programmed Batman. But since the game plays over reality, I don't know how Batman could have logged out. Maybe he just pulled that trick where Commissioner Gordon turns around and Batman goes home.

Superman arrives and notices the CTO's skeleton is made out of crystal. He notices Hiro trying not to die. And he sees Batman, calling him "a fool beyond saving." Well, that's not the kind of thing Superman would normally say if one of his buddies died! So he must realize it's just a simulation. Or, like I said last commentary, Superman is a giant dickhole.

Oh Superman. You saw the female's crystal skeleton. Why couldn't you have seen that dead Batman was a fake?

But apparently Batman isn't a fake because a cloud of nano-particles reform his body and bring him back to life so that he can Narration Box again and speak to Superman in a mechanical voice. But he doesn't have lungs or a heartbeat so, you know, that kind of sucks. Batman is also somewhat under the control of Jimmy Olsen and the other Beta Testers. They're still too stupid and filled with Asteroid Bloodrage to listen to Toymaker about how this isn't part of the game. They just keep playing and figure the next level should be Batman Versus Superman.

Except the fight doesn't last very long when Batman realizes Jimmy Olsen is trying to control him and Superman begins chastising Jimmy.

I liked this story last issue when I thought it was going to be a silly little light-hearted romp. But now Batman has died and one of the most powerful aliens in the universe is fucking with Earth. When it becomes serious like this, the stupid stuff I was looking past before now stands out in stark contrast to the heavy tone and makes me hate this story. Batman is dead? He really died here? And now he's Robot Batman linked to a video game console and controlled by Jimmy Olsen? Bah. Fuck that bullshit. You can't fucking kill Batman even if it's just a short lived death! Greg Pak is breaking DC's biggest rule! Batman doesn't die! And he was dead for a bit until the nano-particles brought him back. I suppose the main rule at DC is "Batman doesn't lose." I guess, technically, you can kill him all you want as long as he still fights through it and overcomes. Perhaps sideways comic books take place on a different Earth!

Also, you can apparently turn him into a laser eyed robot.

Agnes launches the Alpha of the Toymaker's MMO and all the raging gamers log on to try their hand at controlling Batman. But they're only super violent because of the Golden Fury Spores that Mongul dropped all over Earth. So this isn't a commentary on video games making people violent. It's a commentary on drug use!

I guess Toymaker sponsored this gaming system via Kickstarter which is why so many thousands of people have the gear necessary to play the game. All the backers probably got free Virtual Reality Kits months ago. And now they're all being asked to kill Superman because of all those stupid reasons that Lobdell has been trying to use to make Superman look bad in the eyes of humanity. He's so strong that he's dangerous. He's not actually helping; he's just a lure for trouble and violence. He's going to sleep with all of our human women. You know. The usual arguments!

So Batman begins pummeling Superman and he likes it. And I'm sure it's not just the Golden Fury Spores causing his violent glee. It's just that, you see, Batman is also a gigantic dickhole.

The issue ends with Batman and Superman fighting and Mongul looking on proudly, just waiting for the proper moment to enslave the human race.

Batman Loves Superman #6 Rating: -4 Ranking. Mongul's entire plan is to harness the violence inherent in humans. Why is he wasting his time? There are so many more species in the universe that are probably more bad-ass fighters than humans with their tissue paper thin skin and their penchant for bleeding out and losing consciousness in just a few minutes. And what about our empathy? Fuck, hasn't Mongul been listening to the Green Lanterns that he's always fighting? Earthlings are special creatures with a capacity for love and hope and kindness like no other creatures in the Omniverse! So why try to increase their minimal amounts of violent behavior for his own uses? Mongul is an idiot. Go enslave Jruk the New Green Lantern Recruit's homeworld! Now those guys are major bloodthirsty madmen!

Mongul #1

It looks like Mongul is standing behind a headless, kicking creature.

Do you think Darkseid ever gets sad? I have a feeling he only has two emotions: triumph and anger. And even triumph is probably at least 49% anger.

I don't really have anything to say about Mongul the Big Yellow Space Tyrant so I decided to talk about Darkseid the Big Grey Space Tyrant. I did recently just read Mongul's exciting three part first appearance in DC Comics Presents which really wasn't very exciting so I'm not sure why I chose to call it exciting. Perhaps I'm trying to develop some interest in Mongul by tricking myself with all the right buzz words.

Remember when DC put out the Mad Magazine covers that one month for some reason? Something about an anniversary or some other thing I didn't give any fucks about? I think they should have done limited edition lenticular covers for this month as well. Except they should have been x-rated. I'm pretty sure I would have purchased at least two copies of this issue if Mongul were in this exact same pose but flapping his huge yellow penis from side to side. Maybe add a little space jizzum oozing out of the corner of Hal Jordan's mouth.

I should get a marketing job with DC. I'll sell fucking comic books! And none of my DCXXX covers will be available digitally! Plus every DCXXX issue will have a special secret panel that's also a tab of acid. Then collectors will have to buy two copies: one to save and one to drop. Of course, they'll eventually be bored and out of dosed sugar cubes and wind up dropping their collected issue as well. Which will force them to go out and buy another copy. Although the secondary market on DCXXX issues might not be very lucrative seeing as how they'd all be missing the same panel and probably be covered in sexy secretions. But fuck the secondary market anyway! If I were working for DC Marketing, my job would be how to get more people to buy new copies!

I suppose the DCXXX Acid Washed Limited Editions would probably be illegal, so we'd have to start small. Like including coupons for marijuana edibles in comics distributed to Colorado and Washington. I wonder if medial marijuana dispensaries, strip clubs, and sex shops are set up to receive direct market distribution of comic books?

Warworld!'s back!

Just by the name "Oblivoron Federation," I've suddenly become very worried about who is writing this issue. If I had to guess, I'd say it was Jim Starlin. I don't really know enough about Jim Starlin to be worried about his writing but picking the name "Oblivoron Federation" doesn't send any positivosis chemicals to my optimosmitron receptors in my happy glands.

Commander Pyri of the Oblivoron Federation is teleported aboard Warworld! where he finds two alien races battling to the death. And Lord Mongul presiding over the bloody ceremonies. Stupid Superman and his stupid cousin couldn't stop Mongul from taking over Warworld! in this universe? Such a shame. Now everybody in the universe is going to die.

Mongul is either a military idiot or he purposefully misunderstands other people so he can feel righteous in his anger and subsequent bullying.

Commander Pyri did not demand that Mongul surrender. He just suggested that Warworld! allow a company of inspectors to board since Warworld! looks kind of dangerous and it does happen to be trespassing in Oblivoron territory. He then followed up the request to board with the statement that if they're not allowed to board, it will be seen as an act of aggression. That doesn't sound like demanding surrender to me! It sounds like an offer of one-sided diplomacy with a heaping helping of ultimatum!

After purposefully misunderstanding Commander Pyri (or simply ignoring any fucking word he said so Mongul can just take control and steer the conversation toward subjects he's most articulate on, like death and Warworld!s), Lord Mongul gives Commander Pyri a tour of Warworld!'s facilities just like Commander Pyri wanted in the first place. Mongul acts like Pyri was ignorant to not evaluate Warworld!'s offensive and defensive capabilities. But that's what Commander Pyri was trying to assess in his first contact with Mongul!

This is why I hate having discussions with most people. They never actually engage in dialogue. They ignore for the sake of their own agenda. And then Mongul continues to display reasons I don't talk with people.

They always wind up trying to tell me about their childhood! Interrupting my childhood stories to them! Dicks.

That caption actually isn't his worst offense in the above panel. His belief that he discovered "undeniable truths" as a child and still, many, many, many years later, lives by them and believes in them. This pride in Foundational Thinking and Stability and Remaining Constant might be the worst feature anybody can ever be proud of. Like Mongul here, you just wind up living by aphorisms and statements thought up to defend your own selfish desires. "Only through overwhelming strength is one fit and destined to rule." I'm not going to argue that often bullies and ambitious assholes often take up the role as leader. But I will argue whether they are fit for the fucking job. "Force of will determines longevity of reign." Right, right. Because Queen Elizabeth II is such a hardass (I know, I know! She doesn't really wield any power! But neither does the president of the United States!). "Natural selection decrees leadership." No it doesn't! It decrees survival of a species in specific environments! Leadership has nothing to do with it!

Cave Fish: "Hey! Hey guys! I was born blind and guess what?! It doesn't matter! We live in the dark, assholes! Y'all are just expending wasted biological energy having those stupid working eyes! Quick! Follow me! We will advance to greatness!"
Other Cave Fish put out their eyes like Cornwall putting out Gloucester's vile jelly.

Speaking of "Out, Vile Jelly!", am I the only one to ever walk out of a production of King Lear because I thought it was an usher yelling at me? No? Am I the only one that thinks of himself as a vile jelly?

Boy, I'm only a couple pages into meeting Mongul and I wouldn't even spend enough time with him to finish the pitcher of beer he purchased for the table at a meet and greet during Powerful and Influential People in the Universe and on the Internet Con.

Everything Mongul Needs To Know He Learned While Watching Two Rats Fight by Lord Mongul. Available on Amazon and at barely surviving mortar and brick bookstores everywhere.

Right in the middle of reading this comic book, I got the urge to check the mail. I received a check in the mail with possibly the laziest signature I've ever seen. And I'm going to scan it because if you can steal this identity and signature from the following scan, you deserve your place in the criminal pantheon.

I believe this person's name is "Vcosinewavefunction Tail."

Child Mongul decides to smash his unborn baby brother's Gestation Orb because great leaders deal with threats with grim and resolve. While that may be true, paranoid delusionists deal treat everything as a probable threat which needs to be dealt with with grim and resolve. Lord Mongul might not be so much a great leader as a paranoid schizophrenic. Not that the two can't go hand in hand! I just suspect most people wouldn't be ticking the "great leader" box on a citizen review survey of Lord Mongul.

On second thought, I have a feeling they all would! Or else!

After Mongul shows Pyri his robots and blaster blasters, he takes him into his garden so he can see his Black Mercies. According to the Who's Who entry I read, these things can put a person in a coma while they dream super happy dreams which they never want to awaken from. Unless I'm remembering it all completely wrong since I read it just before falling asleep last night. And dreaming about Darkseid being sad.

Mongul has apparently created a second strain which induces dread and nightmares. Of course he would since that's a more modern thing. You can't expect someone to have the proper punishment if they're living out the last of their lives in bliss. Although, Lord Mongul, you'll have to admit that by changing their nature, the fucking name "Black Mercy" doesn't fucking mean anything anymore, you Goddamned illiterate twat. Where's the fucking mercy now? "Oh, thank you Lord Mongul for allowing my life to end in PURE FUCKING TERROR!"

And last, his prize, Warworld!

"Isn't she lovely? And so deadly. Her kiss is fifteen times more destructive than that of the Death Star. You see, her attack is highly harmonic, which is to say it attacks the fleet's power trains causing intense heat, profuse short-circuiting, difficulty in flight control, loss of pressure, violent explosions, and, finally, death."

After the armada, Mongul and Warworld! send Oblivoron's moon crashing down on the planet below, killing nearly everything. But not everything! Because Mongul needs more races for his Universal Battle Royale aboard Warworld! I hope Warworld! never meets up with Arena World! I mean, I hope they do! What a battle!

Mongul uses the survivors as guards, gladiators, janitors, and medical research. He then recycles the planet into fuel and resources to run Warworld! And then he proves what I said earlier.

See! The fucker purposefully misunderstood to justify his bullying!

Lord Mongul's final act is to rip the head off of Commander Pyri and add it to the ranks of other people that mouthed off and disrespected him. Because how dare anybody stand up for themselves when threatened? Seriously. When you're threatened, you should either back down and take it and become a living spittoon. Because if you say one word against the bully, you're giving them just cause to rip your fucking head off because how dare you speak that way to them for no good fucking reason, you motherfucking asshole. God. Some people.

Mongul #1 Rating: It gets a pretty good fucking rating, this one. I like Mongul as a villain. This shit works! He's a despicable, power-hungry, self-righteous, pushy believer of his own truths. Like a politician or an internet troll! So far he may be the best presented villain that didn't have some sympathetic bullshit happen to him as a child. Although I do sympathize with his feelings toward his unborn brother. Like his parents couldn't feel complete with just him? Fuck them!

Oh, and I should also clarify that it was indeed Jim Starlin that wrote this with Howard Porter doing the art. And I like it very much!

Mongul! (as will probably be seen in Green Lantern)

PERSONAL DATA
Alter Ego: None
Occupation: Conqueror
Marital Status: Single
Known Relatives: None
Group Affiliation: None
Base of Operations: Interstellar Space
First Appearance: DC COMICS PRESENTS #27 [Oh! I own that and just recently read it. I didn't know it was his first appearance.]
Height: 7'9" Weight: 785 lbs.
Eyes: Red Hair: None

HISTORY
The only fact known about Mongul's early life is that he was once the overlord of an entire world, a tyrant who ruled mercilessly over his billions of subjects. One day an ancient holy man, the Arkymandyte, came from out of the hills to inflame Mongul's people in protest, and finally, to revolt against his evil reign. Mongul was forced to flee his world to save himself from death at the hands of enraged mobs.

Though no data exists on Mongul either before or immediately after the above-stated events, it is assumed that he gained his vast superhuman powers sometime after escaping his homeworld, otherwise he would have been able to utilize them to suppress the revolution.

Mongul appeared, seemingly fully powered, to Superman (see Superman II) on Earth some time after his ouster. The would-be master of the universe wished the Man of Steel to retrieve a crystal key locked away in an isolated vault, guarded to prevent it from falling into the wrong hands. As an inducement to gain Superman's cooperation, Mongul kidnapped three of Superman's closest friends, Lois Lane (see Lois Lane), Jimmy Olsen (see Elastic Lad), and Steve Lombard [Who the fuck? Was this the guy that won a contest to have his likeness be used in DC Comics Presents?], threatening to kill them if Superman did not cooperate.

The object Mongul was after was located in a crypt on the fourth planet of the sun in the star-system Cygnus, the system that was also home to the world known as New Mars, home of J'onn J'onzz (see Martian Manhunter). The Manhunter had been charged with the protection of the crystal key by its creators, a deceased race of peaceful aliens. Superman and Mongul engaged in combat for possession of the key, and Mongul proved himself a worthy foe against Superman, nearly besting the Kryptonian in battle before escaping with the key.

Mongul next appeared on Throneworld, home of Starman (see Starman III), this time attempting to force the ruleter to turn over the power of his throne and crown to the mighty alien. With this empire base of power, he planned to reconquer his lost world. Superman once again intervened, freeing Starman from captivity and forcing Mongul to retreat yet another time before defeat at the hands of his foe.

Mongul later reappeared, this time with a "black mercy," a part plant, part intelligent fungus that feeds off its victims' bio-auras, keeping its "food source" immobile by imparting happy dreams. Mongul's scheme backfired when Superman's dreams turned out to be a twisted nightmare wherein his homeworld of Krypton (see Krypton) had not been destroyed and he had grown to manhood. The end result of this entanglement saw Mongul himself the victim of his own device, dreaming eternal dreams of endless bloody conquest.

POWERS & WEAPONS
Mongul's abilities appear to be almost on par with those of Superman, witnessed by the fact that he was able repeatedly to stand in battle with the Man of Steel. Mongul can issue forth blasts powerful enough to force Superman to a standstill. In addition, Mongul can teleport as well as produce dimensional-inversion cubes that can warp their interior reality.