Aquaman #26

This comic book hasn't been cancelled yet?

Who would have guessed the Aquaman Fanbase could support two years worth of an Aquaman series! Especially since they've mostly been getting the same old fucking stories they've always gotten! Except he didn't get a stupid new uniform, so that's a change in a normal Aquaman reboot. He did get a beard for a bit but his evil twin got the fucking hook. And he hasn't been riding gigantic seahorses (at least not personally) nor has he been defeating undersea villains with Twinkies. But he has battled for the throne of Atlantis and he's fought with his brother Orm and he's had to deal with ignorant land dwellers and he battled whaling ships. What more is there? Hopefully Jeff Parker has some new Aquaman stories ready to go! And I hope they're funny! And I hope we get to see Aquaman in a fucking suit. Maybe a suit is too casual for somebody who's used to wearing Royal Atlantean Battle Armor everywhere he fucking goes.

The issue begins with the Yellow Submarine penetrating deep into the Atlantic Ocean's nether regions. Holy shit, I just got horny! Now I'm hoping when Aquaman appears, he'll be in a Speedo! With one extra high pressure testicles sticking out. I wonder if Aquaman's balls hurt when he walks around on land? They're used to the high pressures in the depths of Atlantis, so wouldn't they be aching to burst in the lower pressures at sea level? I bet they swell right up! Maybe that's why Arthur constantly wears the battle armor! Perhaps it exerts a comfortable pressure across his entire body so he feels as if he's still under the ocean?

I was watching Dexter earlier and he used Arthur Curry as an alias! Also I shouldn't have mentioned that I'm watching Dexter because people might be tempted to talk about it and drop spoilers all over the place. Well don't! If you've read my warning story about what happens to people that spoil shit for me, you'll know to keep your fucking trap shut! Gail Simone is really pushing the boundaries on her Tumblr by posting Batgirl and The Movement shit that I have to skip quickly past! I may just have to leer at her evilly next time I see her at a convention! Or maybe I should just read that shit as quickly as possible since I'm following her on Tumblr! I know how she is! Always self-promoting! Good for her. Self-promotion is the hardest part of being creative.

Oh! An explanation as to why Arthur's testicles behave normally on land!

The Yellow Submarine is eventually eaten by the Godzilla of Atlantis. I will call him Atlzilla because there's no way I could have come up with something easier to say. My fucking hands were tied. Atlzilla or nothing, really.

Some reporter named Evans is wandering around Amnesty Bay trying to get a story on Aquaman but everybody is too embarrassed to admit that he lives nearby. I wonder if the police chief has built a high-powered spotlight with a fish on it that he can shine into the ocean when he needs help with backed up toilets and, umm, other problems that you wouldn't want to waste an actual super hero's time with.

Down in Atlantis, Aquaman is failing to do his kingly duties (not sex! Bureaucratic nonsense!).

What do you mean by "that girl," Mera? You mean responsible and helpful? "Well, I don't want to be the one to tell you that you suck as the King of Atlantis but none of these other Atlantean losers is going to." Oh wait! I know what Mera means! She doesn't want to be his Goddamned Secretary!

Meanwhile the council adjourns once again without getting any business done because they apparently need the King of Atlantis to dot all of their fucking "i"s. Why the hell did Arthur decide to take on the job of King again? His dog must have had the smelliest farts ever if he wanted to get away from it this badly.

Oh man! I hope there will occasionally be Aquadog back-up stories!

So far in this issue, the art has been "enh" for me. Not "meh" though! I hate "meh!" I distinctly meant "enh!" But I really fucking love Mera's look in this panel. Aquaman's okay too. But Mera is pushing adorable here.

I suppose this is a different artist than the previous pages seeing as how there were a shitload of artists credited. Shitload being the appropriate amount of hyperbole for the more specific number "four".

Aquaman gets wind of Atlzilla off the coast of Greenland or Iceland or somewhere. I just read it last page and I've forgotten. Plus, I'm too lazy to turn the page back to fact check. But it doesn't really matter, does it? I mean, Lobdell and DeFalco spent months moving the base of N.O.W.H.E.R.E. between Antarctica and the Arctic and nobody fucking gave a shit! So I'm guessing it doesn't matter what country Atlzilla is about to fuck up.

Aquaman and Mera have devised a new way for Aquaman to travel. That's what's going on on the cover. That was a fucking weird sentence, wasn't it? Anyway, Mera does this low pressure thing that causes Aquaman to shoot out of the ocean like shit out of a hippo, sending him into orbit where he takes a look around, angles himself just right, and dives back down to whatever location needs the help of a guy that can speak with fish. I don't know why he doesn't just get on his Justice League communicator and tell Batman there's something Batman needs to take care of in Greenland. Or Iceland. Bah, Batman can figure it out.

Aquaman lands on the beast that looks like one of those crabmen from the Fallout games. Except it's super huge. Bigger even! So Aquaman fights it for awhile while Superman is busy making Rhubarb Soup for Wonder Woman. Where are the cosmic heroes of this sector when you need them? Where the fuck are the Red Lanterns?!

The Atlantean Council recognizes this beast as something called the Karaqan. The Greeks must have pidginized it into Kraken! Mera says the Xebel version of the mythic beast is Antiarhk. When I was twelve, I probably would have recognized what that's a reference to. But now that I'm older and more mature, I pretend not to know mythology because I'm into stocks and suits and not into flying kites and skipping and masturbating whenever the slightest breeze turns me on. Nope! No way! I take care of man business now! I shake hands and look people in the eye! I talk about portfolios and future investments! I score with the ladies in that way that ladies like! I think it involves fixing cars and paying for meals or something. I forget. It's late or else I'd really go into detail about my super promiscuous romantic life!

Supposedly the Karaqan was a guardian beast of Atlantis that could be controlled by Atlantean Royalty. Arthur doesn't know that but he tries to telepathically control it anyway. With strange results.

That white text on a lilac background is really hard to read. Unless that's lavender and not lilac.

Aquaman #26 Rating: No change. I'm not going to change the rankings on any comic books from here on out! They're all going to remain exactly where they are, day in and more days in! Unless they really move me in some way. I mean personally! They have to affect me in the same way that Slingblade affects me! Or the last paragraph in the novel Cujo! Or that moment when my tongue is in somebody's butthole and I just can't hold out any longer! Anything that makes me feel like one of those things will move up in rank! And anything that makes me think "Did Ann Nocenti write this?" will lose a rank! Also, I'll probably change my mind about all of this by the time I finish reading my next comic book.