Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea: The Newsletter #18 (First Week of April 2018)

E!TACT #18
Story Time!, Deadman #5, Kick-Ass #2, Cave Carson Has an Interstellar Eye #1, Justic League #41, Batman #43, Grunion Guy's Musical Corner of Music Reviews, and Letters to Me!
By Grunion Guy!

STORY TIME WITH GRUNION GUY
"What If Pickle Boy Was the Writer and Grunion Guy Was the Assistant?"
By Grunion Guy

Grunion Guy was playing hockey like he loved to play because he was so physically fit. All the beautiful women were watching him and swooning. Also the ugly women who thought they had a chance with him because he was so sensitive and caring. He never pretended they weren't talking to him when they talked to him because some of them had really hot bodies. But then just as Grunion Guy was making the big play, he was hit in the head with the hockey thing! And even though Grunion Guy was super tough and rugged and manly, the hockey thing was hit with such tremendous force that it knocked him out for like no more than three seconds. But during those three seconds, he had the most horrific fantasy in his head!

[This is the part where the screen goes wavy and dark before opening on a brand new scene. Audiences should be a little bit confused but they've seen this kind of thing before, so you probably won't need to add a voice-over or captions to explain that we're now in Grunion Guy's fantasy!]

"Hey, dumby! Wake up and edit my new book, dumby!" Pickle Boy was standing over Grunion Guy, his bald head blinding everything around him which was a good thing because everything would be puking if they could see all of the sausage and egg bits that fell out of his breakfast burrito stuck in his goatee.

"Yes sir!" shouted Grunion Guy as he saluted and grovelled too. "I was just getting on that!" Grunion Guy sat up and glanced around for the book he was editing that had put him instantly to sleep. He finally saw the page on the floor, picked it up, and got back to editing it.

Eastworld
by Pickle Boy

"I am getting vacation!" sparked the protagonist who wasn't a robot. He robot danced to his suitcase and only malfunctioned twice on the way. "I go Eastworld today!" His name was Rob.

Tpn [svlrf yjtrr yord smf yep [sotd pg imfrterst/

"Oops!" thought Rob as he readjusted his fingers on the home row. "That's better!"

Rob decided to use the bathroom before catching the bus because that's what humans do. He pulled out his huge pecker which was totally a Mary Sue version of the writer's penis, just in case you weren't sure. Boy was it big! Pickle Boy big! It was the kind of pecker that peckers dream of having! Some would say it was the greatest and most human pecker of them all.

Before Rob could catch the taxi but after he had put his pecker away, the family pet died. It was so sad that the reader got super emotional. It really connected the reader to the story in a way that not having the family pet die doesn't do.

"Take me Eastworld," Rob told the train conductor. "Choo choo, righty-do!" said the Train Conductor. But then there was drama. "Wait. Are you sure you're a human? This train is only for humans!"

Rob smiled humanly. "What?! Of course I human! That almost insult but I think robots are nifty so then it complimentary!" Rob did the robot and winked. Choo-Choo the Train Conductor blushed. He could tell Rob had a great pecker.

The plane landed at Eastworld and Rob fell down the stairs. When he stood back up, half of his face hung off the metal frame but he hadn't noticed yet. But the audience noticed and were all shocked. This is dramatic irony! I learned about it from Grunion Guy who is the greatest writer of them all except when he's unconscious due to a hockey thing hitting his face.

"One ticket for human!" said Rob at the turnstile. The ticket taker was looking at the ticket in the way that ticket takers do. Then as the ticket taker handed the ticket to Rob, he saw Rob's robot skeleton. He screamed! Unless there have been too many male characters so far and then she screamed. Unless that's sexist and then I don't know what to do. Whoever directs the movie version can figure it out.

"What wrong?!" asked Rob, panicking as he did five million calculations in his head the way humans certainly must be capable of because wasn't he human? Wasn't he? Rob reached up and touched the part of his face that was hanging off the other part of his face. Then he felt the metal underneath and the horror dawned on him like the sun dawning on the day.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Rob as he fell to his knees in front of the Statue of Liberty sunk in the ground. "NOOOOOOOO!" The Eiffel Tower was also there and maybe a pyramid. "NOOOOOOOO!"

His last thought before he died of shock was this profound thought: how do any of us ever lmpe ejp er trs;;u strz@

The End!

Grunion Guy woke up because the story was so bad! All the hot girls and the ugly girls with the hot bodies and even some hot girls with gross body odor were standing around him. "Is his pecker okay?" one of them asked as she was trying to pull down his hockey pants.

"Wait!" yelled the referee! "Grunion Guy won the game because the hockey thing bounced off his face and into the score!" Everybody cheered and Grunion Guy's pecker was just fine.

The Real End!

Comic Book Reviews!

Deadman #5
By Neal Adams

Each of the previous four covers of Deadman have had some sort of gimmick to them. One glew in the dark. One had a see-through lion image. One had secret writing. One had The Spectre formed from other characters or something. I don't totally remember that one for sure.

This one is apparently an homage to Highlights for Children.

When I first saw this cover, I thought Neal Adams had finally finished having the stroke he started having while writing The Coming of the Supermen. "Deadman find Ra's al Ghul!" It's not like it was any less coherent than most of his tweets on Twitter. But then I realized the tagline was a command and spent all of three nanoseconds searching for Ra's al Ghul. Couldn't Neal have made it any harder? It's obvious that Ra's is up Deadman's ass.

Now comes the real chore: trying to understand what's going on in the fifth installment of this comic book. The first issue was really confusing because it was poorly written. But every subsequent issue has been exponentially harder to understand, both because I have to first comprehend what is going on and because I have to remember it too! It would probably help if I gave an ounce of shit about this story. I'm surprised I don't since I like DC's mystical characters. But Neal Adams isn't really writing about them. From what I can tell, he's just colored a whole bunch of dog turd bags the same color as Spectre, Etrigan, Deadman, and Zatanna.

Deadman uses the adjective "Brobdingnagian." I bet Neal Adams was jerking himself off while writing that line. "This won't be wasted on a bunch of illiterate comic book readers," he probably thought to himself as he jammed the butt plug a little further up his ass. I hope later, Deadman meets a horse-faced woman and uses the adjective "Houyhnhnmian."

Everybody is gathering outside Nanda Parbat for a reason I've completely forgotten to try to remember. No, that's a lie. I actively tried to forget to remember. That's different, somehow.

According to some samurai that I don't recognize, the army attacking Nanda Parbat (why is it attacking? I don't think Neal Adams explained that part. Maybe he explained it. But poorly) is composed of armorers, yeti, deformers, robotoids, zombies and, um, "stupid things." Checking my Who's Who comic, I don't find an entry on Stupid Things.

I wonder how Neal Adams writes a comic book in which he's also the artist. Does he do the art first, drawing whatever strikes his fancy, and then tries to make a coherent story out of the panels? Judging by how incomprehensible the entire story is, I wouldn't be surprised if that was his method. But even if he plans the story out, his dialogue is terrible. At one point, the samurai attacks a deformer and says, "Remove the bones before you swallow the fish, deformer. They tend to get caught in your throat." Why does he say that? What's he referring to? Does the samurai get his strength from giving out life hacks?

It took me way too long to understand why Doctor Fate said that last thing. But I still don't get why Neal Adams would write it.

Rating: This was one of those issues that gets shoved in when DC Comics demands a six part story from a writer who only has two to three parts in them. It's just a nonsensical brawl that keeps the characters from entering Nanda Parbat one issue too early. Plus the dialogue is worse than Pickle Boy's dialogue. I don't mean the dialogue he writes. I mean the dialogue he comes up with over a few beers. Talk about strokes!


Kick-Ass #2
By Mark Millar and John Romita Jr.

Today is new comic book day so let's count how many comic books I read last week. One! That was easy! It also might be telling. Is it time for me to stop reading comic books again? There are a handful I still enjoy, like Batman and The Wild Storm. But the main reason I can't stop reading comic books is that I'm afraid to break up with my comic book store again. It's too much pressure going in there and telling them to cancel my subscription box! Last time I cancelled back in 2003, Debbie acted hurt and shocked, as if it were something the comic book store had done. So I actually told her, "It's not you; it's me!" What excuse do I give this time?! Maybe I should just have the Non-Certified Spouse call up and tell them I died?

As of right now, I'm three weeks behind on my comic book reading. In a few hours when this week's books come out, I'll be a full month behind! I'm getting my ass kicked by comic books!

Oh! Speaking of ass kicking, I found my way back on topic! Let's just rate this thing and move on to the next one, shall we?

Rating: Patience steps up her Kick-Ass game by caring about the little guy. This is how you become a superhero in real life (because this comic book takes place in real life. You can't forget that. Not because you need to remember it to understand the comic book. You can't forget it because Millar constantly says things like, "This isn't like a comic book!" and "This isn't like in the movies!" and "This isn't like a book written by [Google famous author to put here before sending newsletter]!"). You begin due to desperate circumstances and then project your problems and needs on to everybody else. If extreme violence can solve your problems so easily, why can't that be used to solve all of the other people's problems too?! Nothing can go wrong with that philosophy, right?!

Anyway, it was pretty good. Not $3.99 good! But what can you do? Comic books are ridiculously priced these days. I guess you can stop buying them. But then you have to do that break-up thing and my stomach is hurting just thinking about it!


Cave Carson Has an Interstellar Eye #1
By Rivera, Oeming, and Filardi

The last Cave Carson series was about his impotence. It's a pretty sweet read if you're smart enough to figure that out. If you aren't as good at reading comic books as I am then you might have missed the significance of a man obsessed with drilling over and over again into deep caves. Now you're thinking, "Grunion Guy, that doesn't sound like impotence at all! Don't you know how to do it?" And I'm return thinking, "Pshaw! Of course I know how! Why would I even feel the need to write fake dialogues where I assure readers that I've totally done it a lot? So ridiculous!" Also you must not have read the series because it was about how Cave Carson couldn't spelunk anymore. I think "spelunk" is short for "sperm dunk" with an "L" added for some reason.

Since the first comic book's title was an anagram for "I c-ca-can see a very-y chaste boner," I bet this title has an anagrammatic clue as well! Let's see. Cave Carson Has an Interstellar Eye is an anagram of "An anal character's eye is never lost". Methinks I'm most of the way to figuring out what this comic book is really about!

Also I've apparently become one of those people who says "methinks!" Get me a fedora, stat!

Rating: It's weird in that way things are written when they want to be weird. That's a harsh critique and not a compliment. Also maybe it's not as harsh as it could be. Maybe it's not harsh at all? Anyway, that scathing review doesn't mean the comic book is uninteresting. It's just not as interesting as it was when it was about Carson's impotency. I'm not yet sure what this series is about. Maybe about loss and maturity? The entire thing might be about grieving the loss of one's favorite pet. That isn't as sexy as a limp ding-dong! But I'll probably give it at least one more issue.

P.S. I wrote the ranking before reading the back-up story. After reading the back-up story about Cave Carson's podcast, I can confirm the series is about loss. And still maybe about the loss of a pet! I'm sure I can force that view into the narrative.


Justice League #41
By Priest, Briones, and Cox

Rating: This comic book deals with super powered people and aliens and space travel that ignores physics and the Justice League trying to deal with international conflicts and the entire team's institutional racism yet the most unbelievable moment was when some guy was excited to see Aquaman. It took me right out of the comic book. Otherwise, it was a fun read! Especially the part where Wonder Woman was somehow shot. Priest doesn't think she blocks bullets simply because they can actually hurt her, right? Ignoring Kerry Callen's take on Diana's bullet bouncing, she probably deflects them in specific directions so that they don't bounce off of her body and kill an innocent bystander in the way they just bounced off of Superman and killed her. My guess is one went into her open mouth while she was yapping about saving children. I bet the inside of her skin isn't invulnerable. How else could she derive pleasure from fucking Steve Trevor?


Batman #43
By King, Janin, Petrus, and Chung

Rating: I haven't discussed the last few issues of Batman because I've simply been enjoying them. I suppose if there are people out there who can't stand King's Batman, I can't be bothered to mind. Contrary to the evidence presented in thousands of pages of comic book criticism over the last few years, I actually do understand what 'subjective' means. And I can live with people not liking Tom King's writing style because that means Tom King's writing style is there to be experienced. He reminds me why I once loved comic books. He doesn't write a person in a costume. He writes a character who happens to wear a costume. His dialogue is fun and serious and touches one in a way that I thought was a bad touch but I think it's actually the kind of touch most people crave. The current arc is a love story disguised as a villain taking over the world story and it couldn't be better. That's hyperbole because of course it could be better. All of the characters could be drawn naked and aroused.

Grunion Guy's Musical Corner of Music Reviews

Get Your Shit Together by Public Enemy
There's something incredibly Shakespearean about Public Enemy's music. It's like when Chuck D is rapping, you're all, "Fuck man. Fuck. This is profound! This is fucking American truth man! This is crazy." Then Flava Flav starts singing and you're all, "Oh yeah! This Shakespeare loved cock jokes too!" Mostly you forget Flava Flav is a part of this group when they're singing about serious shit like this. Occasionally you'll heave Flava Flav's high-pitched, sidekick exclamations ring out and I can't help laughing. Then I feel terrible because somebody might think I'm laughing at the serious lyric, "What you gonna do? What'ch you gonna do? If you'd been on that plane, both sides would've killed you too!" Mostly though, Public Enemy really understands when to play up Flava Flav and when to downplay him. He's barely even a blip in this song. I imagine he was just bopping along in the studio as this track was recorded without ever realizing his mic wasn't turned on.
Grade: A.

Never Say Die by Jon Bon Jovi
Most Americans think Bon Jovi was a huge punchline to the joke of 80s rock music. But we all know why Bon Jovi survived the death of that 80s hard rock genre; it was because he was a master of sex appeal and also wrote really catchy songs! This song is from the soundtrack to Young Guns II which was almost as good as the movie itself! This might be the worst song on the album (aside from the one without lyrics, "Guano City." Who listens to songs without lyrics?! What a waste of time!) and yet I still don't skip it when it comes up on my shuffle. Because even the worst of the best is still good! Some might say I'm a Jovi Lover and they have a right to their totally correct and non-spurious opinions. Let me share the glory of some of Jon's triumphs in lyrical beauty:

"Once I was afraid of love
But when it's your brother those things change.
Love is just another word for trust!
So hear me when I say, 'Never say, "Die!"'
'Never say, "No!"'
You got to look them in the eye and don't let go!"

Wow! That just gets right to the heart of sex shop glory hole culture! It's right up there with "Love is a Social Disease" and "Shot Through the Heart" (not to be confused with "You Give Love a Bad Name" which uses the lyric "shot through the heart")! I'm not sure why Bon Jovi included an anthem for living with and fighting AIDS in the Young Guns II soundtrack. But it works somehow!
Grade: B.

Saturday's Child by The Monkees
"You'll be called 'The Monkees!'"
"What? Why?"
"But not monkeys like you're imagining it! Monkees with two 'e's!"
"What? Why?!"
"You don't like it? The other three guys we're interviewing for the band probably love it! You should to!"
"Well, as long as we play catchy pop tunes that make all the girls go wild."
"You mean 'pretend to play!'"
"Wait. What? Why?!"

That's probably how Mike Nesmith's job interview went, right? Anyway, what about "Saturday's Child", you're probably thinking. Well, I'm probably thinking, "What about it?! It's kind of stupid." I don't even know what a Saturday child is supposed to be! Did people used to not only believe personalities were formed by astrological signs but by days of the week as well? What makes Saturday's child not break your heart like Thursday's child? Why is Wednesday's child so aloof?! And Sunday's child is way too into commitment. I guess Saturday's child is the one that will sleep with you on the first date and not care when you never call again. Is that love?

It's also a bit weird to be singing about loving a child.
Grade: D+.

Ubangi Stomp by Alice Cooper
This is Alice Cooper's version of an Elvis dance song. Alice Cooper did a lot of versions of other people singing songs that already existed. People don't realize this but Alice Cooper was basically Weird Al Yankovic drunk out of his mind. This song is from Lace and Whiskey which is an album that most people could hear any song from, be told it was Alice Cooper, and they would say, "Fuck you that's Alice Cooper." I guess maybe "Road Rats" or "It's Hot Tonight" wouldn't get that reaction. But that's just twenty percent of the album. Nobody would hear this or "My God" or "I Never Wrote Those Songs" or "King of the Silver Screen" or "You and Me" or "Damned If You Do" or "Lace and Whiskey" or "(No More) Love at Your Convenience" and think, "I know who sang that!" Except maybe "You and Me" since it was basically Alice Cooper's last big hit of the seventies and also because he sang it to Miss Piggy on The Muppet Show. This song is catchy and I would dance to it if I actually knew how to do the Ubangi Stomp. It probably involves a lot of stomping and racism.
Grade: B.

The Simpsons Halloween Special End Credits Theme ("The Addams Family" Homage)
I don't know why I haven't deleted this from my iTunes. I don't know why I haven't deleted all of The Simpsons special themes from my iTunes. Probably because I'm lazy. I'm not too lazy to hit skip every time one of them comes up on the Shuffle though. If you hear a "song" like this and think, "I need to hear more of that a lot of the time I'm living this finite life," then we don't have much in common. I mean music-wise! We probably have more in common in other ways, like how often we masturbate or how many burritos we can stand to eat in one day.
Grade: F.

What Am I Currently Reading?

This week, I finished reading Red Dwarf: Infinity Welcomes Careful Drivers. Mostly it was a rehash of a few of the first series episodes with some minor and not so minor differences. Lots of the dialogue was the same in places but Red Dwarf's captain was a woman named Kirk rather than a bloated man with a pockmarked face. We also learn how Lister became a crew member and that his breaking of quarantine by smuggling the cat on board was done on purpose so he could be in stasis for the entire trip back to Earth. It was an easy and enjoyable read that actually made me laugh out loud in places which the television show doesn't really do any more. Well, maybe it does. But the way laugh tracks have aged makes viewing of old sitcoms really fucking difficult.
    What reading this book has taught me is that maybe the Xanth books aren't such quick reads after all! Either I'm not as big a fan of fantasy as I was at twelve when titillating descriptions of naked creatures caused me to take a short bathroom break (and that scene where Dor and Irene rip each other's clothes off in the moat in Centaur Isle probably fueled more bathroom breaks than any other bit) or the Xanth books just aren't as entertaining as I remembered them being. It's a slog to get through a Xanth book. I had to force myself to try to read at least one chapter every morning before bed (I work nights!). But I kept going back to the Red Dwarf book even when I could have been playing Fortnite! If you don't know what Fortnite is, that was meant as high praise!
   Next up on my to read list is Spiral by Koji Suzuki. It's the sequel to Ringu which everybody knows about. I think I'll reread Ringu first because it took so long to find the second book. Ringu was written in 1992 and it might be the best book on memes I'll ever read. Mostly because I'll never read another one.

Letters to Me!

KB writes: My mom took us to see Godspell on multiple occasions. ::shudder::

My reply: Ick! I hate when people equate Jesus Christ Superstar with Godspell. Although I think I owe my love of Jesus Christ Superstar to Godspell. At some point as a kid, I saw the end scene of the Godspell movie where Jesus Christ is crucified to a chain link fence by a bunch of clowns while the World Trade Center sits in the background mocking modern audiences. I was all, "What the heck was that?! It seems awesome!" The visual stuck in my head for years. I also knew the title song of Jesus Christ Superstar thanks to grocery store background music. I assumed the two were one and the same. After years of having that song and image stuck in my head, I eventually dug out my mom's VHS copy of Jesus Christ Superstar (taped from television, of course) and watched it. It was not the movie I remembered but I fell in love with it anyway. I loved the music and was fascinated by the sympathetic take on Judas.

Eventually I watched Godspell as well and was not taken in the same way. I also saw Godspell at least once in the community theater version because my friend Doom Bunny was doing the lights for it.

KB:

"took nine hundred and ninety nine comics but Superman finally realized that throwing criminals into the Phantom Zone was a dick move. His first (and possibly only?) step in correcting this attitude is letting Hank Henshaw out. After which Superman immediately imprisons him in an Inertron cell (unless it's Adamantium) and puts him into a hallucinatory state so he won't cause trouble. Jurgens seems to be telling this tale to show that Superman is too good to be corrupted like, in the other half of the story, Sam Lane fears."

So, using Black Mercies is evil, but a hallucinatory condition isn't? Though there is an interesting discussion to be had about whether it's merciful to let people live in blissful delusion. Even if you were to construct a hallucinatory setting where Hank Henshaw could grow as a person until he decided to foreswear evil, what happens when you yank the rug out from under him and tell him it's all been a lie? I guess that's an argument about practical application more than about morality, but it's still a question.

"Although, to be fair in a fairer way, Superman's foes always seem to escape from the Phantom Zone just like Batman's enemies escape Arkham. So Superman can either follow the law and the villains he captures will still escape, or he can imprison people illegally while they still manage to escape. Since nobody can keep a comic book villain locked up, Superman should at least choose the option that doesn't make him look like a fascist."

Gold kryptonite used to be a solution, yet Superman almost never used it. "Look, you lived your whole life on Krypton without super powers, you can live here on earth just fine without powers too. Trust me, you'll love the Denny's Grand Slam. And you can probably get rich going into tech companies. Stay away from Lex Luthor though, he'll probably want to vivisect you."

Me: Basically, I think DC's view is that if Superman does it, it's okay. If some other character who we aren't told by DC that everybody but Batman and Lex Luthor can trust implicitly for some reason does it, it's terrible and should be stopped immediately. That Gold Kryptonite solution seems particularly troublesome and hypocritical. If Superman thinks Kryptonians who abuse their powers don't deserve them, shouldn't he take the same hard line on himself? As soon as he realizes that he's constantly being manipulated to use his powers against Earth through magic or hypnosis or Joker serum or Doomsday viruses, shouldn't he also expose himself to Gold Kryptonite so he loses his powers forever? I suppose he has an imaginary whiteboard in the Fortress of Solitude where he keeps a list of all the pros and cons of keeping his powers. Once that list tips too far into the cons, he probably has a Gold Kryptonite suppository set aside.


Upright writes: Did you ever check out Anthony’s Bio of a Tyrant series? The only thing I remember is that Jupiter was the U.S., Saturn was the USSR, and Earth was India (weird). And a missile crisis, because Saturn, of course. And the guy was a tyrant but totally misunderstood like so many of them are! We can’t think beyond the present unless you can and then you’re Philip K Dick and he’s crazy until he’s absolutely not at all.

My reply: I never did pick that up. Which is weird because I read almost everything else Anthony churned out (for some reason. Let's not be too hard on twelve year old me! He may have been a smelly, know-it-all jerk but...well, maybe we should have all been harder on him, actually). Maybe since I'm reading all of his terrible stuff again, I should read some of his terrible stuff that I never read before!

Speaking of Philip K. Dick, I'd read more of his stuff but I can't remember what I've read of his and what I haven't. I really should have kept a list. Since he became so popular again in the whatever years he became really popular again, publishers seem to reissue his stuff over and over again. It's hard to tell when I see a bunch of new covers which ones I've read. Maybe I should just hit the library and go through them all. Then when I recognize I've read one, I can just return it without costing me anything! Except for the late fee I'll almost certainly accrue.

And that's a wrap on this week's newsletter! Goodbye, jerkos!

Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea: The Newsletter #1 (Second Week of December, 2017)

[I'll be reprinting the newsletter I sent out for 60 weeks over 2018. I think it went a bit longer than that but I'll be stopping at Issue #60 for reasons that will be apparent when we get there. Being the carefree lover of anarchy and staunch destroyer of the status quo that I am, I did not date them. They were weekly and I know I began in December 2017, so I'll just approximate the dates. I'm pretty sure they were never late!]

E!TACT! #1

The Demon, Deadman, Black Lightning, and Other Assorted Bullshit

By Grunion Guy

The Demon: Hell is Earth #1 by Constant, Walker, Hennessy, and Sotomayor

This week, I read that comic I just mentioned above. It was better than I expected it to be and not as good as it probably should have been. I should make a note of that comment because it describes most of my comic book reading experience since I became an adult (probably at about thirty six? (that's hyperbole. I need to point that out because I need you to understand that it was more like seventeen, give or take twenty years)). Before that time, comic books were magical in a way that things were magical before I finally had sex and it turned out to be no better than anything else in life. I mean, sure, it's pretty fun and the ending is terrific (if you count the ending as the moment you yourself orgasm. If you count the ending as any time after that, things can get pretty miserable and awkward) but the pleasure is terribly fleeting (just like life! So it's a reminder of dying which is why I understand people who commit suicide because I can't stop jerking off). In the face of an eternity of non-existence, it's tough to justify any action at all that's meant to pass the time in a pleasurable fashion. I mean, if I'm working on anything other than a magic potion that will give me immortality, is what I'm doing worth anything at all? Even Shakespeare would probably trade every single line he wrote for actual immortality instead of the stupid literary kind where you're not really alive to experience it.

So The Demon was good enough for fans of The Demon which is also to say it wasn't good enough for fans of The Demon. You know what I mean? You probably know what I mean. I want so much more but I'll take the fucking scraps if that's all that's being served. But there's one moment in particular that I'd like to discuss: Madame Xanadu's encounter with the patriarchy.

If you've been a loyal cult follower of my work (and why haven't you been if you haven't been? What's wrong with you?), you might remember when I began calling Madame Xanadu a "barn owl." If you don't remember, let me remind you.

I don't like Madame Xanadu because it's fun not to like her. Since this is a secret Newsletter, I feel like I can reveal some of my writing secrets after all these years! One of those secrets is that I don't really feel any of the passionate feelings I'm pretending to feel as I write about comic books (although when I say something touched me and made me cry, I mean it (I mean, not really because, what? You think I cry? Pshaw!)). If some thing or idea makes me laugh, I stick with it and drive it so far into the ground that it becomes a metaphor or analogy that I don't feel like thinking up. That's what happened with Madame Xanadu. I realized that her main power was to see threats from the future and recruit people to stop those threats. But once the people stopped the so-called threat, the threat never came about. So was it actually real or was Madame Xanadu just manipulating people to do her bidding? The only way to know for sure is to ignore her once and then see if disaster befalls the world. But nobody has the guts to do that so she just keeps tricking people into doing her work for her. Because of this, I began calling her a cunt.

Now, calling a woman a cunt on the Internet, even if she's a fictional woman and I'm obviously being facetious in my tone (okay, maybe it's not so obvious to assholes and cunts but I still think if you're smart, you'll realize it (that's a great argument for me to take because I can just chalk up any anger at me as coming from dumb people who I now don't need to acknowledge because they're so dumb!)), can be a dangerous thing. So before anybody really called me out on it, I began calling her a barn owl. I made sure to explain that I was replacing the word cunt with the phrase barn owl so as not to confuse my loyal cult following. I mean the people who casually read my blog (now a newsletter) for fun (instead of working on that fucking immortality potion. Should I maybe stop distracting people?! What if one of my loyal readers never creates the potion because they're reading my rants about how Scott Lobdell can't tell the difference between a piece of good writing and his own writing?). Anyway, the important part wasn't the word so I dispensed with the word. The important part was that the people reading my new signifier understood exactly what it signified.

Which brings us back to this issue of The Demon where Madame Xanadu is called a cow by angry men whom she has just rebuffed. Is it a coincidence that Andrew Constant replaces the word we know the guy would have used for a barnyard animal? You know, like a barn owl? Um, I mean, okay, so a barn owl isn't technically a barnyard animal. But it has the word barn in its name which means it must live in a barn and thus is a barnyardish animal.

I hope it wasn't called a barn owl because instead of saying "Who?" it says "Cunt!" I mean "Barn!"

Some people might dismiss the idea that those men, if they were in an adult book, would have called them cunts. But I feel like Andrew is from overseas. Initially I thought from the UK but it looks like maybe Australia? Or maybe he's just American the way I'm American in that I prefer UK entertainment to American watered down for the stupid and prudish masses bullshit. Plus calling Madame Xanadu a cow lets Madame Xanadu turn the men into cows later. What would she have fittingly turned them into if they'd called her a cunt? And would I have recognized what they were?

I'm not suggesting Andrew Constant is a cult follower of mine and chose to follow my direction on signifiers and signified. It seems an obvious choice, to me, to replace cunt with an evocation of the rural. Anyway, it seems apparent to me that we're meant to read cow as cunt. If none of what I've written has won you over, maybe the panel immediately after the cow comment will bring you to my side.

Deadman #2 by Neal Adams

The first issue of this series was nigh incomprehensible. That didn't stop some terrible comic book reviewers from declaring it the master work it absolutely wasn't. When I purchased the first issue, my local comic shop owner rang me up at the register. I mentioned how I was only purchasing Deadman because I liked the character but I wasn't excited about Neal Adams' modern work. She looked up at me, made a face, and said, "I know." Then we made sure to each say some conciliatory things about how his terrible writing doesn't erase the impact he had on comics forty years ago (even though I was only saying it to sound like a proper comic book fan and not because I actually meant it. I have no idea if I ever read anything from Adams when I was younger) before we both went back to trashing The Coming of the Supermen.

Neal Adams is currently 76 years old. I discovered this here-to-fore unknown fact by typing "Neal Adams" into Google. It doesn't give his height and weight though because Google can't know everything, no matter how many spy cameras it installs in your phone. I mention his age not as a proof as to why his writing is currently so terrible. It could be, of course. You can't rule out anything when you're using science. Or should my conclusion be the opposite of that? Also, is the opposite of that "You can rule out some things when you're using science" or "You can't rule out anything when you're using faith"? Anyway, I mention it as a way to say I fell into a Google Rabbit Hole that deposited me on Neal Adams' Twitter account and how his being 76 definitely explains that. It's like an old man yelling from his porch for the Republican neighbor kids to go fuck themselves. It's hauntingly entertaining.

Look, I don't know why I used the adjective "hauntingly" there. Some things in life will just have to remain a mystery, no matter how much shit can be found on Google and Wikipedia.

Before I mention the writing (which will probably just be a full paragraph of me saying, "Wait. What? What just...hunh? Did that...how come...am I reading this correctly?" Normally I don't speak in stilted sentences like that but Neal Adams' writing has overcome my mind), let me just say the art is fantastic in that "this is what comic books looked like forty years ago" kind of way. That isn't any kind of subtle critique on it looking old fashioned. Have you read the way I feel about the work of some of the top artists working at DC? It's just a fact that Neal draws the comics the way Neal remembers comics being drawn. And I'm surprised at how much I'm enjoying the art seeing as how The Coming of the Supermen looked like an amateur artist too worried about his cock stuck in the bathtub spigot to worry about how his pages were turning out.

After Deadman learns that Batman somehow put the soul of The Sensei into a baby, The Phantom Stranger appears to give Deadman the worst advice in the world: obsess over your past mistakes. I think. It's a bit hard to interpret what he says. Does history tell us what The Phantom Stranger tells us history tells us? I'm not sure I'm convinced. Although if The Phantom Stranger appeared before me and told me that to my face, I'd probably be all, "Right?! Right?! You're so fucking cool. And sexy. Can you finger my butthole?" To be fair, that's how I greet everybody.

Never mind most of that previous paragraph. Especially the last line. The thing I should concentrate on is this: "It's a bit hard to interpret." As I mentioned before, the first issue was incomprehensible. This issue doubles down on the incomprehensible bit making it super incomprehensible. If I'm being charitable, I'd say the focus of both stories is Deadman's need to get revenge on the hook handed guy who killed him so that he can rest in peace. But last issue, didn't we see a flashback of the hook handed man being killed by The Sensei? Which is why Deadman was after The Sensei. But when he realized killing The Sensei's soul would kill an innocent baby, he went back to looking for the hook handed man. Who I thought was dead. But I can't be sure because I'll be damned if I allowed any of the first issue to remain in my memory.

While this issue didn't explain why Commissioner Gordon was investigating a nuclear plant in Tokyo, it doesn't explain why The Phantom Stranger gets Deadman to kill an unnamed assassin without a hook for a hand. That sentence might sound confusing but I think it's grammatically correct. I couldn't say "While Issue #1 didn't explain something, Issue #2  did explain something" because Issue #2 was just more confusing bullshit. At least it brings in The Spectre and Etrigan at the end to not clear things up at all. For some reason, The Spectre, who is God's Justice in human form, doesn't think the assassin getting eaten by a lion is just. But at least he gives a reason for appearing. Etrigan just shows up because it's probably in his contract that if more than three mystic DC characters appear in a book, he also gets to appear.

I suppose there could be something going on in this story that makes sense. But I'll be damned if I know what it is and I'm a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader (all that means is I've probably wasted ten thousand hours of my life reading comic books). If I had to guess, I'd say Boston Brand never actually died. He's in a coma and his spirit is trapped in some kind of Hell created by The Sensei. In that alternate world, Commissioner Gordon's big hobby is inspecting Japanese nuclear plants, Batman enjoys stuffing evil souls into babies, and mystic DC characters are allowed to visit. By Issue #6, Neal Adams will introduce a new character into the DCU: Comaman!

Black Lightning: Cold Dead Hands #2 by Isabella, Henry, and Pantazis

Isabella decides the best way for readers to understand the theme is to remind them of The Twilight Zone episode, "The Monsters are Due on Maple Street." Without that reminder, the comic book would be just as average as it is with the reminder. I mean, it's pretty obvious stuff. I only have two major complaints. First is that the play the kids choose to do for the winter pageant (the one that's a wink and a nod and an elbow poke to The Twilight Zone episode) seems to only have one part: the narrator. The second is that the kids have pizza, milk, and French fries for lunch. So fucking gross.

Which one is the fruit? The pizza or the fries? OR THE MILK?!?!

Other Assorted Bullshit

I'm experimenting with this whole newsletter thing. I don't really want to make it just a bunch of my usual reviews strung together and delivered by email. It'll probably wind up being short bits about specific moments or themes in the comics I read each week. And maybe I'll add some other crap in this section, like essays, poems, games, short stories, or terribly shocking pictures I've drawn. I'll definitely be answering any replies anybody makes, at least until I have so many people asking me stupid questions that they overwhelm my senses and I walk into the ocean, never to return.

I also haven't determined a regular day to send out the newsletter. Maybe Tuesday at the end of the comic book week? Or maybe Wednesday since Tuesday is my I don't have to run day.

Anyway, I'll try to be just as tone deaf to how a normal, kind, benevolent person should be as I've ever been. But it'll be okay to laugh at this stuff here because we share a secret: I'm actually a really kind and generous person. Well, maybe not generous. But probably kind! Anyway, I'm totally kissable, so that should square everything.

Deadman #1

If you turn off your lights, this cover will glow in the dark.

By buying this comic book, I have committed a grievous sin. How do I justify purchasing this book written and drawn by Neal Adams when The Coming of the Supermen, also written and sort-of drawn by Neal Adams, was possibly the most terrible comic book I've read since September 2011? It was so bad that I blacked it out and I often forget to mention it as the worst comic. Other comics may have been drawn worse or edited more poorly or had substandard writing. But none of them had all of them put together! The worst part is that I feel bad saying that about Neal Adams and his work. He's just an old man who peaked decades ago and here I am shitting all over his modern work. Technically you can hardly tell that I'm shitting on it because who can tell two different shits apart, really? I suppose somebody might walk by and think, "Look at the way some of that shit is sitting awkwardly on top of that other bit of shit. I bet that's two pieces of shit and not just MC Escher shit!" It's not like my saying Neal Adams' last work at DC was terrible makes what he did any more or less terrible. Somebody with eyes and an ability to read and the stomach to purchase The Coming of the Supermen can experience exactly how terrible it was without any input from me! And yet here I am purchasing another new comic book completely written and drawn by Neal Adams. Well, that's what the cover says, at least. I'm sure the interior credits will mention some people who helped out. If not in this first issue, by the third at the very least.

So why am I encouraging DC to hire Neal Adams? Because I like Deadman, that's why! Plus I guess I sort of feel DC is doing the right thing by hiring older writers and artists. I mean, they could just retroactively give them a piece of the profits on characters they created. That would solve two problems in one move! The writers who were screwed out of any percentage of characters that became a windfall for the company get their money and I don't have to read any of their shitty new bullshit!

This issue begins with Commissioner Gordon inspecting nuclear sites in Japan. Why? Did I miss something in James Gordon's history that made him the ideal candidate for this job? Seriously though, did I? Because I don't understand how this could come about! It's possible it will be explained on the next page but who has the patience to wait for an explanation that far in the future?! I want to know why I'm so Goddamned confused right now! I mean aside from the simple confusion of trying to read a modern Neal Adams story.

When Neal Adams writes and draws a comic book, I wonder if he writes or draws first? I don't think it matters.

That scan is from page two. So two pages in and I've already got dozens of questions. The main one is how come James Gordon asks "Who're you?" when he sees his doppelgänger rather than "Should I get my dick out?" The next major question is why is James Gordon so into Japanese nuclear power plant seals? It doesn't say anything about his interest in them in his Who's Who entry. I'm least curious about who the second James Gordon is. I guess that's what happens when you take Commissioner Gordon out of Gotham and have him gallivanting about the planet working jobs he has no reason to be working. No wonder the nuclear reactor at Fukushima melted down. Maybe get some actual scientists and engineers in for inspections next time, guys.

Also touring the reactor? Boston Brand and the man who killed him. Separately, of course! Brand's assassin, Hook, has infiltrated the reactor with his team of eight henchmen. I don't know why they've come along since Hook screams at them that James Gordon, the target, is his. I guess they're just supposed to wander around looking for him. Boston Brand has come because Hook is here and he thinks this is his chance to kill him. I wonder if Neal Adams had a short story sitting around about a takeover of a nuclear reactor and he decided to use it for the basis of the Deadman script when DC contacted him.

I wonder if DC even contacted him? Maybe Neal Adams calls daily asking if they'll let him write a series. And since Deadman wasn't really being used, why not give him a chance to make him really popular again? Or completely ruin him, which is more likely.

Neal Adams gets tired of writing the already incomprehensible story of Gordon's trip to Japan so Deadman has a flashback to another time he failed to kill Hook.

I probably shouldn't even be writing this review if all I'm going to do is shit all over an old man. It's going to be really embarrassing when the old man recognizes me at a con and kicks my ass.

At one point, the Narrator called Boston Brand "Casper" and I got really confused for awhile. But that's not as bad as how confused I was when the Narrator explained how the Hook killed Boston but was accused by the League of Assassins of failing to kill Boston even though he obviously did kill Boston. It seems to have something to do with Boston Brand having a twin brother and a strongman named Tiny?

I'm not sure Neal Adams cared or understood Boston Brand's origin story. The gist of it is that Boston Brand needed to kill The Hook for some kind of karmic justice. But The Hook was killed by somebody else and so Deadman never found peace. In this one, Adams has introduced (or regurgitated) a bunch of elements to explain why The Hook would be killed by the League after succeeding in killing Boston.

Is it funny? Is it?

Deadman watches Hook's body drop into some water through a trapdoor. There is a large splash and Deadman thinks, "Splash?! Yeah . . . this will never be done. Sensei . . . teacher . . . lives up to his name. Disposed of Hook's body. Very efficient. League of Assassins . . . any cold-blooded killer could learn a lot from these monsters. And now a new assignment, busywork for Hook." It's like reading an Ann Nocenti script on acid! And I mean both that Nocenti wrote the script while on acid and the reader read the comic on acid in that analogy! My best interpretation of the moment as a whole is that Deadman has been awestruck by the idea that somebody would hide a body after killing it, thus thwarting justice! As for the "this will never be done" part, I have no idea what he's talking about at that moment. Did he want to fuck Hook's corpse? Who can tell? That's one possibility as likely as any other! And then it ends with Deadman simply ignoring everything he just thought about Hook being dead and stating that Hook (who he just mentioned was super dead and disposed of) now has to do the League's busy work by killing James Gordon. What the fuck now?

I suppose I should just forget all of that and just get back into the present story. Deadman wants revenge against Hook who is still alive even though the flashback showed how dead he was. That's the motivation. Although I still don't know the motivation for Gordon inspecting Japanese nuclear facilities or Hook's need to kill Gordon outside of Gotham. Oh! And I can't forget the sudden appearance of James Gordon's evil twin brother!

Fine. Here's one win for Neal Adams. I always enjoy a good bowel movement reference, no matter how absurdly or awkwardly placed in the dialogue.

Because Batman is on the cover and Evil Twin James Gordon recognizes Deadman when he possesses a Japanese worker, I have to assume Evil James Gordon is actually Batman who caught wind of this assassination plot and showed up to thwart it. Or maybe he didn't know about the plot at all and he was just as curious as I am as to why James Gordon has suddenly become an expert in Japanese nuclear reactors.

Evil Gordon reveals himself to be Batman. He's on the trail of whoever hired Hook to kill Gordon and he claims it wasn't Sensei because Batman killed Sensei himself. You heard me! Deadman was similarly shocked by the revelation! Batman killed a man! And proudly admitted it! What could possibly be going on?! I mean other than Neal Adams not giving a fuck and the editors being told to just lay off the script and let the man have his fun?

Sensei didn't slip between your fingers! When were you ever trying to kill Sensei?! You were just trying to stop him from killing Hook. This doesn't make any sense at all!

It turns out Batman didn't kill the Sensei but admits later that the Sensei is as good as dead. I don't know why Batman couldn't have told Deadman the stuff he tells him later. I suppose it's because Neal Adams doesn't really fucking know where the story is going. Anyway, Deadman gets a clue to head to Hong Kong in search of the Sensei. I guess the Sensei is the one Deadman wants to kill now since he put out the hit on Boston Brand. I mean, technically he didn't because Hook got to choose his own target and chose it from a poster, as stated earlier in the story. But Deadman doesn't seem to want to kill The Hook anymore. He could have back in the nuclear reactor but instead decided to yell at Batman for a bit and leave the assassins unconscious on the ground.

Deadman #1 Rating: This comic book is as good as a shit flavored scratch and sniff sticker. I still don't know why James Gordon was inspecting nuclear reactors. It's not like the battle against The Hook needed to take place there. Couldn't Neal Adams have come up with a place that made more sense? Like maybe a visit to the proctologist? Or a Police Commissioner's convention? This is going to bother me for weeks.

Kamandi Challenge #2

I solved the mystery! Kamandi is actually David Lee Roth!

• The cliffhanger at the end of the last issue involved the stupid Tiger-Men deciding to set off a nuclear missile so they could absorb all of its power. Why would a race of tigers need a radioactive source to become more powerful? They're tigers! Just suck on each other's dicks and you'll be more powerful than they could ever imagine. And their boners will be so hard! It's like a positive feedback loop!

• Okay, so I guess I need to take a crack at solving the cliffhanger first. Kamandi has five minutes to disarm the nuclear bomb or everybody is going to die. He doesn't have the knowledge to disarm a bomb so he'll have to use all the tools at hand. One of those tools is Doctor Canus's erect dick slathered in peanut butter. Kamandi will probably suck him off and catch the load in his mouth. Then he'll run over to the timer on the missile and snowball the fuck out of it. Doctor Canus's semen, still sticky from the peanut butter and highly acidic from all the pineapple pizzas he eats, will adhere to the mechanism and short it out. Everybody will be safe! But Caesar will be upset that Kamandi ruined the ritual, so he'll probably throw him back in the arena. Or maybe he'll say to his son Tuftan, "Haven't you always wanted a pet that sucks dick? Take him!"

How does Doctor Canus get any sciencing done when he's constantly trying to buttfuck everything that moves?

• My second theory about how Kamandi solves the cliffhanger was that he'd simply run away and let the tigers die in the blast. But then I thought, "How far can he really run away? He'd be dead too! I know this is a comic book but that's so illogical!" By the third page of this issue, it seems Tomasi has opted for the Kamandi runs for his life solution. It seems a little bit like a cheat but at least it wipes out a lot of characters that don't matter. Just have Doctor Canus and Tuftan survive and call it good. Even Caesar doesn't have to live!

• Tuftan catches Kamandi before he can get away and drags him back to the missile. All of the idiot tigers stand around anticipating the moment the bomb blows so they can all scream "It's greeeeeeeaaaaaat!" together in a fiery, apocalyptic ending.

"I'll never even get to kiss a girl who isn't a robot or my grandmother!"

• It looks like Peter J. Tomasi is choosing the easiest way out of this cliffhanger: the bomb's a dud! I feel so cheated! Hopefully Dan Abnett, in his brief at the end where he explains how he would have solved the cliffhanger, uses the dog semen trick.

• Instead of blowing up, a sentient ape double fisting pistols pops out of the top of the missile. It was a Trojan Missile! And those stupid tigers fell for it! Although the ape is even dumber since his plan relied on the tigers setting off the bomb to free him so he could kill them. He could have just let them have a real bomb, I suppose.

• More apes descend on the city so Kamandi uses the chaos to steal his shit back from Doctor Peanut Butter Dick. He then rushes off to the Museum of War to find a weapon. Or to be killed by Jackdaws.

• I still don't know what the mystery is that I'm supposed to be solving before they do!

• The Jackdaws pick up some of the ancient artifacts housed in the museum to help fight the apes. The relics are all weapons of DC superheroes! I wonder if Cheeks the Toy Wonder is in the museum somewhere.

• Crashing down through the floor and into the Basement of Forbidden Jack Kirby Objects, Kamandi discovers Metron's Chair underneath an old tarp. I guess the cliffhanger will be how quickly Kamandi's head explodes after sitting in the chair.

• Doctor Canus and Prince Fuzzy-pants show up just in time to see Kamandi hop in Metron's Chair. They chase after him to try to stop him before the chair disappears. And even though Kamandi has been trying to get away from these guys, he decides to reach out, grab them, and pull them along for the ride. The chair takes off and I start singing, "All my life I've wanted to fly like the birds that you see way up in the sky! Making circles in the morning sun flying high in the sky til the day is done! I CAN'T BREAK AWAY! Like a child in his fantasy punching holes in the walls of reality! All my life I've wanted to fly but I don't have the wings and I wonder why. I CAN'T BREAK AWAY! I CAN'T BREAK AWAY!"

Bogus!

• I hope Tomasi doesn't think the previous page will be used by the other writers! What writer is going to think, "Oh shit! Tomasi stuck that phrase into that Metron Chair bit that read 'If the Red Riders catch us, we're doomed!' I've got to incorporate that into my story! And remember he had all those comic books appear. What was that about?!" More likely, everybody will go, "Yeah, yeah. Fuck you Tomasi. I'm writing my own shit over here! Stop trying to be cute."

• Kamandi, Doctor Peanut Butter Dick, and Prince Fuzzy-Pants wind up in San Diego. That's where the big Comic Con happens! I bet they run into cosplayers in the Wild Human Reserve.

• Apparently the guards of the Wild Human Reserve are Manhunters. Even though they're called Manhunters, they shoot the dog and the tiger immediately. Then they say their trademark saying, "No man escapes the Manhunters," which alerts Kamandi to the danger he's in (just in case he thought the Manhunters were only interested in not allowing tigers and dogs to escape). So to get away, Kamandi throws himself over a cliff and presumably dies. Unless the next writers, Jimmy Palmiotti and Amanda Conner, can think up a way to keep Kamandi from dying! I just don't see how they can. He's as good as dead!

• Finally, each issue includes an essay by the previous writer explaining how they would have solved their cliffhanger. This essay is by Dan Abnett and he describes how he would have had Kamandi survive the nuke. Hopefully he just says, "I was going to kill him. Let's see the next writer get out of that!"

• Dan Abnett's solution would have been to have Kamandi flee while the nuke obliterates Tiger City. I pointed out that was an option but the laziest one of all! At least for coming up with a clever solution. I would have also allowed the bomb to blow because it's a post-apocalyptic world where bad shit happens. But Abnett also solved DiDio's cliffhanger with a lazy solution, so I think Abnett just likes to take the easy way out when writing. That's probably why I'm not reading his Titans book anymore.

The Ranking!
No change! I'm grading this on a curve and Tomasi's solution was less creative than my sticky dog semen solution.

The Coming of the Supermen #6

Neal Adams. Superman bleeding from his mouth as he shits himself, 2016. Oil on Canvas. 16.8 cm x 26.0 cm.

The Review!
Why, DC Comics, why? Did somebody somewhere promise Neal Adams that at some point in his career, he'd have carte blanche to write any Superman story he wanted without any editorial interference? How else did this comic book make it through the pitch phase? It's quite probable that it will eventually be discovered that Neal Adams had a minor stroke during the writing of this comic book and I'm going to feel really bad for panning it. But I don't currently have that information so I have to assume that Neal Adams is operating with his full faculties! And if that's true, he's just perpetrated the greatest religious crime in all of history! That may or may not be a hyperbolic statement, depending on whether or not you suffered through this comic book and not the Inquisition. I only suffered through one of them and I can only tell you which is the worst according to my experiences! I'd like to leave the possibility open that this comic book wasn't about Christianity at all but Adams slammed shut all the fucking doors on that possibility when he named the mystery demon "El" and had Superman proclaim that he did nothing and yet is responsible for everything. Ugh. This was terrible! And it wasn't even terrible simply because it was a Christian story! One of my favorite Alice Cooper songs of all time is "I Am Made of You" and that's as testimonial as fuck! Shit, that song makes me wish I could delude myself into believing nonsense! But this story? Abominable. Horrible. A travesty! I've read Lobdell's Teen Titans, Nathan Edmondson's Grifter, Ann Nocenti's Katana, J.T. Krul's Green Arrow, Scott Lobdell's Red Hood and the Outlaws, Howard Mackie's The Ravagers, Ann Nocenti's Green Arrow, Scott Lobdell's Superman, Ann Nocenti's Catwoman, Scott Lobdell's Red Hood/Arsenal, and Ann Nocenti's Klarion. And this book is still the worst series I've read in the last five years! If you're still thinking, "But Tess! It's Neal Adams! Have some respect! At least back-up your terribly harsh criticisms!", you might get some Answers! in the commentary portion.

The Commentary!
I can't wait to see how this comic book ends! Normally, being a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader, I know long before a story ends how it will all wind up. But being that this comic book is such a confusing mess, I'm completely bewildered by it! It's fascinating not knowing where things are headed! Is this what it's like to be a Regular Comic Book Reader? Thrilling!

Last issue ended with Darkseid disintegrating Lex Luthor as Superman looked on and applauded. This issue begins with the revelation that Darkseid merely destroyed a wax sculpture of Lex Luthor while the real Lex Luthor was standing behind him laughing. It's odd that Darkseid was so annoyed by the laughter that he would think Lex Luthor was the wax statue that obviously wasn't laughing. Darkseid isn't too smart, is he? The real beauty of the situation is that Lex Luthor continues to laugh at Darkseid! But at least now he's begging for his life at the same time. I think begging for your life goes a long way to keep Darkseid happy.

This issue is called "Answers!" Notice the punctuation was within the quotes which means it was actually part of the title and not just another of my often abused exclamation points. Normally I'd be happy that a comic book was going to answer all of the questions I have about the story. But in this case, I'm so confused I'm not even sure what the questions are. When this comic book first began, I thought it was going to be a meditation on the differences between Christianity and Islam. But now it's turned into an insane fight for territory perpetrated by two villains who have everything to gain while millions of people wind up victims. Holy shit! It is a meditation on the differences of Islam and Christianity! One is Lex Luthor and the other is Darkseid! And when the two battle, nobody wins! So you need a third option: Superman! And he represents...um...Judaism?

I don't think this tracks.

Maybe Superman just represents science and rationality and atheism. You know, truth, justice, and my dreamed of American way! It must be the New Kryptonians who represent Judaism. I mean, if you're Western Civilization minded, of course! New Kryptonians equal Israel. The Apokoliptian invaders equal the Islamic countries. And New Genesis equals Christianity. Although you should probably see the analogy as the New Kryptonians being the Islamic countries of the Middle East and the Apokoliptian invaders as the people of Israel being helped by their Western Civ allies (Superman!) to take over a large parcel of their land. And while they're at it, the white invaders may as well set up some military bases all over New Krypton too! Just to, you know, keep the peace and whatnot.

Maybe I should just see what Answers! Neal Adams decides to give before jumping to any more conclusions. Because I don't think Neal Adams means for his story to be any smarter than it appears to be. Although why did he name the Muslim kid's dog Isa if he wasn't prepared to write a story about religion? Was that the only comment Neal had to make? That Muslims think of Jesus as a dog? Not that they do! Why would they hate on Jesus when he's eventually going to come down from the sky and slay the Antichrist in the most spectacular bout of Mortal Kombat ever witnessed? And once he arrives, he'll be all, "Can't we all get along?!" And then all of the Peoples of the Book (as the Jews, Christians, and Muslims are referenced in Islam because they fucking understand that they all believe in the same God. Well, Muhammad did, anyway. But then that's the advantage of being the last religion formed from The Old Testament. You get to write in the other religions and make them, in a way, subservient to yours. But then again, at least Islam acknowledges that Judaism, Christianity, and Islam are all based on the same God and that when Jesus comes back for his encore, everybody will believe the same thing and they'll all be saved. Of course everybody will call it Islam but that's just a minor point, really!) will hold hands and embrace Jesus and Islam and hardly any Christian will say to hardly any Jew, "I told you so!" And hardly any Muslim will say to hardly any Christian, "I told you so!" They'll all just live happily ever after as the atheists burn in a fiery pit of hell and just about everybody will say to them, "I told you so!"

Don't get mad at me if I got any of that religious stuff wrong! I'm an atheist! Besides, I'm pretty sure I didn't get any of it wrong. If you think I did, that's your bias, praise be to God.

Superman continues to watch Darkseid and Lex Luthor battle for a bit since it seems Lex has found a way to not be killed by Darkseid's Omega Beams. I mean Wrist Blasters.

What level are you on?!

Darkseid gets to enraged that he lets a secret slip: he was born on Earth! I think. I mean, he seems to make some revelation about Earth birthing the greatness of Apokolips. But then when Superman and Lex try to nail him down on what he meant, he stutters and stammers like the fool he isn't and finally just tells them that he's stolen all of Lex's technology and will take over the Earth with it. It's about at that point when Lex realizes Darkseid is his enemy and tells Darkseid that he sold him defective technology to turn yellow suns into red suns. It's about that time that Darkseid realizes Lex is his enemy! Superman stands by confused like the rest of us.

I'm starting to believe I won't be getting any of the Answers! I was promised. Perhaps the only real question was, "Has Neal Adams lost his mind?" At least I know the answer to that is a resounding "Yes!" With the exclamation point, of course.

Superman foils Darkseid's plans, Darkseid punches Superman in the nose, and then Darkseid flounces off of Earth. But not before Superman can fly through Darkseid's Boom Tube first, pissing Darkseid off even more! I think that might be the end of the Darkseid/Lex Luthor subplot. Or was that the main plot? Did it even have a plot? Anyway, the comic book needs to answer some questions about Rafi and Isa and the winged demon Muhammad who is also called "El". "El" means "God", just in case you don't know your Bible as well as you think you do. So I guess the winged demon isn't the prophet Muhammad at all. He's just god.

Oh hey! I mentioned there would be Mortal Kombat earlier, right? I guess Superman is Jesus and Darkseid is the Anti-christ!

Maybe I should just forget all of the Islamic stuff and simply assume Neal Adams is telling a Christian story. Because it has everything it needs. Darkseid as Satan, El as God, and Superman as Jesus. There's also a dog named Isa owned by a Muslim but that was probably just to get everybody's subconscious mind thinking about Jesus and religion. Although, if I had to guess, maybe one percent of the people reading this terrible comic book know that Isa is the name for Jesus in Islam?

After Darkseid learns that he can change the outcome of whatever outcome has been set in motion, Supreman heads back to Lois and Rafi and Isa where he's promptly punched in the face by Orion. Why? Who fucking cares.

It turns out the puppy Isa is actually Highfather and Rafi is his grandson and I don't fucking care anymore. Not that cared much at the beginning. And I cared even less in the middle. But now that it's coming to an end, I'm just ready for the peaceful quiet of the grave. This comic book has destroyed my love of life.

But wait! My spirit hasn't been entirely crushed! I must know how Superman plans to keep Darkseid from invading anywhere he wants with the use of the Boom Tube! As long as the technology exists, Darkseid can be anywhere he wants to be!

Oh. Okay. Superman turns the Boom Tube inside out and destroys it. I guess Darkseid just had the one?

Stop thinking about this ending, you jerk! Stop thinking about Boom Tube technology as a technology to open wormholes in space! That obviously wasn't what it was at all! It was an actual tube that Darkseid built which could be programmed to exit at various points in the universe! Then you walk through it and arrive at the chosen destination! Duh! I can't believe anybody ever thought the Boom Tube wasn't a literal tube! Stupids.

Darkseid gives up his invasion plans after he sees his Boom Tube turned inside out and rendered impotent. He walks away embarrassed and Superman walks back to New Krypton, seeing as how it's now one-third of the same planet as Apokolips. Superman and Lois head back to Earth via Metron's Underground Railroad which totally isn't a Boom Tube at all. Superman acknowledges El's uselessness to the system of reality while also expressing his crippling need to believe in that uselessness. And then it all ends with Luthor thinking, "You're all human! All of you! Bwa ha ha ha! Because, you know, God made the people of Earth and the only way to have any other sentient beings in the universe is if they were created by God but only through humanity since Jesus saved humanity! Or something! Whatever, it's all very religious and Christian or something."

The Coming of the Supermen #5

Superman should have lunch before breaking up this fight. It might solve at least his future Luthor problems.

The Review!
Most artists who can draw probably also think they can write because writing is the easy part! You just draw a panel of Gambit throwing a card at a Sentinel and make him say a card game pun! The thing about comic books is that so many of the writers are so mediocre that companies may as well have the artists write the comic book as well. Which may be the reason we have this debacle by Neal Adams. The writing is terrible. It's terrible with so many "very"s in front of it that I should probably think up a better word to describe it so I can drop a few veries. How about atrocious? No wait! Abominable! It is an abominable travesty! I bet the only person who is enjoying it is Denny O'Neil. There's no doubt now who was the brains behind the Green Lantern/Green Arrow team-up tales! Was there any doubt before this? People were probably just all, "Denny did a great job on the writing and Neal did a great job on the art and I would never consider giving either one credit for what the other person so obviously did!" But if that wasn't the case, now we know definitively that Neal Adams did not do any of the writing on that series. Unless some of that series was terrible. I mean abominable. All that shit was before my time.

The Commentary!
I've just passed the Gertrude Stein section of The Norton Anthology of Modern Poetry (Second Edition!) and I've come to a radical opinion. She's a fraud. She's a big fat fucking fraud and I was frauded by her all this frauding time! Fraud! A fraud! Fraudulently a fraud. I mean, the opposite of that! She was honestly a fraud! Although I still have to read The Biography of Alice B. Toklas to get a real sense of her fraudgility because she sort of breaks all of her own rules in that piece and might actually make some sense in it. Even if I eventually come to remain of the never-before-thought-of opinion that Stein is a fraud, I will still always love Melanctha. She nailed that shit to the wall. Through the wall even! Maybe when all is said and done, my critical opinion will be that she can't quite be a fraud simply because she wrote Melanctha. Although I've never been able to get through Melanchta a second time, and I really don't know if that's a positive or negative criticism of it. I should explain more about why I think she's a fraud or else I just come off as an unthinking moron with no ability to back up their gut opinion which is probably also a stupid opinion. You know, like everybody.

So what I was thinking while reading "A Valentine to Sherwood Anderson" was "Is this clever and I am not clever? Why doesn't this make any sense? Do I need a supplemental class on Gertrude Stein and the literary movement of pseudo-ex-patriots writing in an American vernacular while partying in Paris with painters? I can see why James Joyce avoided Gertrude's salon! No wait! Maybe he avoided her because their styles were so similar! Is that true? Have I ever managed to read anything by James Joyce? I did once begin to read A Portrait of an Artist as a Young Man. Does that mean I'm an expert on James Joyce? Probably! I also know he wrote Odysseus! Do I have to put the name of a book in italics if I've gotten the name completely wrong? Since this is supposed to be what I was thinking I can probably do away with the italics altogether since I don't think in fonts and styles. At least not usually." Did that clear anything up? Um, maybe what I was trying to express was how if I read something and it doesn't make any sense, I know the fault is with me and I should read it again. Because the artist almost certainly had a quite specific reason for writing the piece the way they wrote the piece. If I read it a second time and it doesn't make any sense, I still know it's my fault and I should maybe think on it and read it again later. If I read it for the hundredth time and it's still nonsense and it will always completely be nonsense until I read in Gertrude Stein's own words what she meant and what she was trying to do, then it is a work perpetrated by a fraud. It is as worthless as anything created by a student in art school.

Unless it isn't. It probably isn't! I'm going to go back to assuming I'm too stupid to truly get it until after I've read "Tender Buttons" five thousand more times.

You might think a discussion on Gertrude Stein doesn't belong at the beginning of a review of a Superman comic book. But that's probably because you haven't been reading it and avoided being thoroughly confused by the dialogue of The Coming of the Supermen.

This is the best dialogue so far!

Superman is going crazy searching for the boy he kidnapped who was kidnapped by Kalibak. He's acting like a crazed lover! It's so untoward! People may begin to talk. Like me! I'm a people and I'm talking all about how Superman kidnapped a young boy to live with him and now has gone mad with lust-rage because the boy has gone missing. I'm not sure Neal Adams understands the character of Superman. I also might be projecting my edgelord beliefs onto Superman.

Superman eventually discovers where Rafi is being held when he tells a Parademon to both talk and shut up at the same time. No wait. Maybe I read the dialogue bubbles out of sequence. I think it made more sense than that. Although maybe not because Neal Adams seems to like writing dialogue which constantly contradicts itself.

Well, which is it, Granny? Nasty boy or goody two-shoes?

Lois shows up and does something untoward to Granny Goodness with a large staff. I wonder if I use "untoward" a few more times, I'll understand what Gertrude Stein was getting at!

Besides Lois, Kalibak also shows up even though I thought Orion took care of him earlier. It doesn't really matter because Mister Miracle and Big Barda also show up to take out Kalibak once and for all. Maybe. How everybody realized that needed to be in this scene at exactly this moment, I don't know because I don't understand writing and contrivance.

What follows are a series of incomplete sentences forming a discussion about divvying up New Krypton into thirds.

Superman: "Can New Kryp...?"
Mister Miracle: "Sure! Take a look at...."
Superman: "Wow! A planet can be divided three ways and shared?! Who would have thou...?"
Big Barda: "Boom...Tube...unsafe...penetrate...anything...."
Superman: "I see!"

And then Metron appears because what is going on?

Where are they that they can't pass? What is The Jaunt? Why can't Superman speak smoothly?!

Metron's new purpose is "freedom." Apparently he's running an underground railroad for people who want to leave Apokolips which is basically everybody. Too bad Metron's underground railroad ends in explosive death for the people yearning to be free. Superman stands aghast to Metron's untoward method of rescue and Metron is all, "Freedom is death! Duh! Why are you so dumb, Superman?!"

Wait! I shouldn't be so glib about the conversation because the conversation is better than any glibness I can glib all over it! After Metron blows up all of the Apokoliptians, he says, "It's a kind of freedom...isn't it?" And Superman replies, "The very worst kind." Touché!

But wait! It was all a hoax perpetrated by Metron to fool Darkseid's death machines into thinking they've killed the Apokoliptians! Metron tricked them into seeing the Apokoliptians die so they'd report back to Darkseid and give up the chase. Superman decides to believe that it was all an illusion because the thought that Metron just murdered hundreds of innocent people is too disturbing. But now that the death machines have reported back to Darkseid, they can be destroyed. So the Supermen smash the robots to pieces.

Do grown reporters have an aversion to appliances being smashed?

Superman desperately tries to convince the Supermen and Mister Miracle that the Apokoliptian refugees are a danger to the real citizens of New Krypton. Rafi must be playing with Isa because he doesn't begin hating Superman at all after hearing that opinion.

Mister Miracle mentions that the refugees will be able to choose where to live once New Krypton is sorted into three parts: New Krypton, Apokolips, and New Genesis. Even if Big Barda pointed out earlier that New Genesis won't be safe even using New Krypton's force field due to Boom Tube technology. She adamantly stated New Genesis will not be part of New Krypton. It might still be that way. I really have no idea what's going on in this comic book except that Superman kidnapped a child.

Now that Rafi is safe, Superman decides to go after Darkseid and Lex to stop whatever their evil plans are. Destroying New Krypton to take up two-thirds of the planet, I think. Lois insists on going with Superman even though he explains that he is invulnerable while she is not and it would be easier to fight Darkseid while not having to worry about keeping a her safe. Lois calls him a rat and tells him she's going with him even if it means more work, worry, and stress for him. Lois is an asshole.

I don't even know.

Apparently Muhammad's "Daddy got to go to war" argument convinces Lois to stay behind with Rafi. It's either that or Superman telling her that the real scoop is Rafi and his dog, Isa (Jesus!), but she won't be able to write it because Superman would then be arrested on molestation charges. Superman begins to head off to battle while Neal Adams shows just how much enthusiasm he has for this project.

I'm with you, Rafi. We've got the 'tude.

Meanwhile, Darkseid and Luthor continue to act like buffoons. Darkseid threatens to Boom Tube in an army to kill Luthor and Luthor goes insane. Lex laughs in Darkseid's face for six panels without killing him.

The seventh panel.

Superman arrives in time to see Luthor disintegrated by Darkseid. Luckily Superman doesn't care about Lex Luthor. Or maybe Superman knows this is another trick of Metron's. Or maybe Lex Luthor has a force-field like the one on the cover and we all know he's not really dead. Or maybe Lex Luthor has been transported back in time. Or maybe none of this matters because it is terrible and out of continuity anyway?

The Coming of the Supermen #4

Adams covers for this series are just various pictures of Superman being hurt.

The Review!
The dialogue in this comic book is terrible when it's good, and incomprehensible when it's bad. Characters speak in strange, staccato fragments. They respond to each other in ways that don't quite make sense to me. Sure, I'm able to get the gist of their conversations but they're more awkward than the conversation I had with the woman on the train to Seattle. She heard me describing to my friend Upright the next chapter of Dwarf Lover that involves Wonderland's Alice and revolves around identity. So as I passed her, she said, "What was that you were talking about? I love Alice in Wonderland!" I looked at her, paused, and walked away. Hmm. I guess it wasn't a conversation after all. Maybe the dialogue in this comic book is more realistic than I realized. Anyway, the dialogue isn't the worst part. This comic book feels like Neal Adams lost control of it somewhere around the second issue. It seems like Kalibak would have done well to not piss off Superman. Without Kalibak stealing Rafi, Superman would barely even bother with what was going down on Nibiru. I mean New Krypton. He would have kicked Steppenwolf off Earth and maybe signed some autographs for the mystery Supermen. I feel like Rafi must still be important to the story in some kind of Islam versus Christianity subtext that really hasn't been present since the first issue. Hopefully it'll come back next issue because it was the most interesting part of this story! Possibly because I made it up!

The Commentary!
Last issue ended with Orion entering the plot to make things more confusing. I suppose the only thing I need to know right now is that Kalibak kidnapped the kid that Superman kidnapped and now Superman wants him back. The battle is taking place on the shield that surrounds New Krypton which lies on the opposite side of the sun, in the same orbit, as Earth. This takes place in a timeline where Superman was allowed to keep his red underwear. I believe that means it doesn't matter to regular continuity because nobody was willing to ask Neal Adams to understand what the fuck was going on with The New 52.

Is it possible we're seeing Neal Adams have a stroke in real time as he scripted this?

I hope Neal Adams doesn't have a stroke any time soon just to make me feel bad for writing that! I'm glad I never had anything but nice things to say about Darwyn Cooke!

Orion awkwardly tells Superman about a rocket carrying a red sun mote headed toward Earth's yellow sun which will fuck everything up for Kryptonians everywhere in the Sol System. And by "telling Superman," he really just kind of drops a hint or two so that Superman has to repeat a key word from Orion's dialogue so Orion will continue to say a little bit more from which Superman must again repeat a key word so Orion says a bit more. It's like having a conversation with an NPC in Ultima IV. Orion could have just said, "Well, Supes, I know you want to rescue your boy but there's this red sun mote thing made by Lex and given to Darkseid which just got shot toward your sun. So choose, buddy! Sun or son, amirite?!"

Superman watches the rocket take off from New Krypton and follows after it. But he's not fast enough to stop it before the mote enters the sun because, as we all know, traveling from the Earth to the Sun in comic books takes about ten seconds. Now Superman is fucked because he's floating in space with the yellow sun turning orange. Or something.

After saying all that desperately hopeless bullshit, one doesn't usually say, "Things could be worse," do they?

Meanwhile, Rafi and his dog Isa (Remember! That means Jesus!) are having milk and cookies inside of Granny Goodness's Home For Awkward Teenagers. Granny Goodness offers them kindly and then screams at Rafi about how he's going to be her greatest project and how they're going to eat the dog later. Transubstantiation!

The mote did cause an orange spot on the sun just like I guessed, even if I was joking. I mean, I was totally being scientific about it! So Superman is now at half-power for the rest of the comic book. That'll make things more challenging! Although if, at full power, he wasn't able to catch a rocket before it got to the sun even after he left the planet just a few seconds behind the rocket, I don't know if he can defeat Kalibak and Darkseid at half power!

Meanwhile, Luthor and Darkseid act like Abbott and Costello.

Imagine this version of Darkseid in Geoff Johns' Justice League!

Lois is running around on Apokolips searching for her scoop while Superman sits in his underwear getting de-red-sunned. Or something. I don't know. This comic book is terrible!

The Coming of the Supermen #3

Superman is Jack from Lost in the last season?

The Review
What the fuck is going on in this comic book? Does anybody else get the feeling that Neal Adams had no real idea what to do with this story after the first issue? By the last half of this issue, things are so muddled and confused that I had to check my pupils in the mirror to make sure they were the same size. After confirming that I wasn't having a stroke, I went back to the comic book where I remained confused until the end. On a basic level, I suppose the story is easy enough to follow. Darkseid is invading New Krypton who need Superman's help to stop the invasion. But why the fuck is Rafi important enough to be kidnapped by Kalibak? Doesn't that just ensure that Superman is going to come to New Krypton? And what about the demon Muhammad and the dog Jesus? I thought this was going to be an allegory about the relationship between Christianity and Islam! And why do most of the scenes wind up making little sense at all? And who uses "PAM" as the sound made when Superman bounces off of Kalibak's skull? Why is Lex Luthor such an incoherent bumbler? Usually when a mini-series I'm reading has an issue like this, I give up on it even though that means my collection remains incomplete. But I guess I'll stick this one out because Neal Adams is getting to that age that he's going to need money for medical expenses and it's either going to come from supporting his work or giving a few bucks to a future GoFundMe page.

The Commentary
Here is a Tweet that I happened to read on my Twitter Feed because it was retweeted by a cousin of the Non-Certified Spouse whom I follow because I don't want to seem like the pretentious Douchéstork I actually am: "What's it like having enough money to go on strike and still be able to pay the rent?" Oh! Ha ha! Hilarious and cutting observation, @FuckstickMcGee (I changed his Twitter handle to protect him from whomever he stole that Twitter joke). Too bad Fuckstick doesn't have the brain power to think past his bon mot! Guess what, Mister McGee? If not for strikes and unions by people who not only couldn't fucking pay their rent to do it but were also subjected to physical violence and blacklisting, people don't have to work every fucking day, all fucking day, just to pay that fucking rent! And guess what? People go on strike all the time even when they can't afford it. Because corporations aren't going to improve employee working conditions and pay simply because the wind changes direction and Mary Poppins arrives to teach them a magic word. A magic word that can kill, by the way! Boy, that Mary Poppins was a bad-ass. One of my biggest anti-establishment heroes alongside Willy Wonka. Oh, sure. You might argue about Willy Wonka and I might have to concede some points that he was definitely a bastard corporate owner, what with using alien labor in the guise of offering them protection from Vermicious Knids, but overall, I'd have to say he generally gave his finger to the establishment in terrific ways. Like causing global riots with his Golden Ticket program, and murdering shitty kids in his factory, and willing everything he owns to some poverty stricken child. Oh, sure, that child was white and male but all of our heroes are problematic in one way or another!

I wonder why I even present the idea that I'm reviewing comic books? How many people might actually enjoy my blog if only they realized it was only about twenty percent about comic books?! I might have a problem with branding! Although that's not a new revelation. Who names their comic book review blog something incomprehensible like Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea?! Fucking idiot.

In the previous issue, Kalibak had kidnapped Clark's new foster child. I call Rafi his "foster child" because I don't want to accuse Superman of kidnapping as well. When Kalibak takes a child away from his home, you know the intent is probably malicious. But when Superman takes a child away from his home and his country, you know it's probably for the kid's sake.

You should probably also remember that Rafi's dog's name was Isa which is Jesus in Islam. That would probably be offensive if anybody actually cared about offending Christians. It's probably actually offensive to white people who think Muslims need their protection, actually. What might be most offensive is how Neal Adams drew Muhammad as a winged demon in the first issue!

Oh! And in this issue as well!

I know what you're thinking! At least, I know what I'm pretending you're thinking so that I can answer the fake question I'm shoving in your head: "What proof do you have that the demon is supposed to represent Muhammad?!" Oh wait. I can't answer that question. I don't have any proof. You're just going to have to trust me. I am a Master Comic Book Reader, after all.

Superman discovers that the Supermen are from New Krypton where they've been invaded by Darkseid who heard New Krypton had really great--and strong!--chairs.

I guess everybody is out of breath this issue because every sentence is interrupted by at least one ellipsis. "This is why we came to Earth. We...need your help...on New Krypton. We've been invaded...by Apokolips." He's so out of breath that he can't even muster the strength to end that last sentence with an exclamation point! Which it totally deserves!

"They wear us down, like vermin." Is that a Biblical allusion?

The Supermen's plan was to take over protecting Earth while Superman headed off to New Krypton to save the day. Superman agrees but he needs a ship so he can bring back Rafi since Rafi can't hold his breath in space the way Superman can. Superman decides he'll borrow one of Lex's. Actually, he'll steal one of Lex's ships. I know Lex ultimately gives Superman permission but what else can he do when Superman is holding him by the scruff of the neck and calling him a criminal?

And apparently flaunting his perfect locks as well!

Is that Neal Adams take on Lex Luthor? He hates Superman because he's jealous of his hair? Enh, it's better than some takes!

I also like how Neal Adams can't picture a spaceship that doesn't drive like a car. Why would Superman even trust one of Luthor's ships? It's probably full of kryptonite!

New Krypton lies on the other side of the sun from Earth. I suppose that means it's in the exact same orbit and going about the sun at the same rate of speed? Is that the idea? Protecting New Krypton from interstellar stuff is an invisible shield. And making their home on that shield? Darkseid and his minions! So they're like lice, I guess.

Lois stows away on Superman's ship because she has to get the scoop! Her ass looks great in a space suit, by the way. I'm sure that didn't need to be said. We all know Lois's ass looks great in anything she wears.

Superman and the New Kryptonians go to battle against Darkseid's forces while Darkseid learns that the software he purchased from Lex Luthor was only a monthly licensing agreement. What a jerk! Remember the days when you could pay one price to license using a program on one computer and you didn't have to keep renewing it monthly because everything took place in the cloud? Fucking cloud! Corporations try to make it sound like a magical place to keep data safe but it's really just an excuse to charge people monthly for their stupid fucking software.

This Luthor's dialogue is making Jesse Eisenberg's look like Edward Packard. I was going to say like Shakespeare but I didn't want to exaggerate.

In the battle against the Apokoliptians, Superman is blasted by Desaad's Red Sun Mote Ray before the action shifts back to Earth. But when the scene returns to New Krytpon, Superman is going after Kalibak. So I guess Luthor's weapon made especially to defeat Superman was a dud? I hope Darkseid didn't sign a two year contract.

Superman beats Kalibak over and over again asking where Rafi is until Orion finally turns up to point out that Kalibak is an idiot and probably doesn't remember. And that's where this mess ends.