Threshold The Drinking Game #8

Who cares about Caul? There's a space cupcake shop nearby!

What a surprise! Threshold, DC's next attempt at a War Comic (science fiction but still their war comic!) only made it eight issues! Just like Men of War. And Just like G.I. Combat. Although this series was actually good while the other war comics were just awful. I'm glad DC keeps trying but they've got to figure out how to sell non-Batman comic books already. And I think I know how! Here's what you do, DC: kill off Batman. Just kill him off. Then hint around that Bruce Wayne is actually undercover as a different super hero in the DC Universe! And the cover of every comic book after killing off Batman should read, "Is this really Bruce Wayne?!" And then have Bruce Wayne in a Catwoman suit looking sexy or wearing Superman's cape and diving off of a building. People will go mad trying to figure out who is now Bruce Wayne!

Although what will actually happen is that all the Batman fans will simply stop reading and proclaim that DC sucks and has always sucked. So actually, I don't have any ideas about how to sell more comics. DC, I suppose your solution is as good as it gets: just put Batman and Superman in every single comic book.

Batman and Superman aren't in this comic book. So you can move along to one that does now. But I have to read it. It's, like, mandatory and shit.

Last issue I believed that Jediah Caul, Green Lantern, was teleported to Lady Styx for some diplomatic business. But instead he's ended up in the Office for Intergalactic Visas battling a mob of bureaucrats.

Uh oh. I'm pretty sure she's from HR. Or the equivalent since these aren't exactly humans.

You know, I only write these commentaries so I can reread them when a new issue of the comic comes up and catch up quickly on what was happening previously. But since this is the final issue of Threshold, I don't have to write a commentary about it! Yay! We should all just get drunk instead! Yay! Or eat a lot of cookies if you're not into getting drunk. I guess it depends on which you'd rather deal with: a hangover or twenty extra pounds? Fuck it! Let's get drunk AND eat cookies!

Let's just turn this comic book into a drinking game, okay? Let me make up some rules. How about twenty of them?

1. Whenever a character says "literally", you have to take a shot. If they use it correctly (very rare!), you get to eat a cookie instead!
2. Whenever a character defies another character (without violence), drink.
3. Whenever a character acts rationally and engages in normal conversation when confronted with defiance or potential violence, eat a cookie!
4. Drink every time somebody is punched or kicked or hit with a light construct.
5. Eat a cookie every time a light construct is used in a helpful manner, like to save lives or fix a tea pot.
6. Finish your drink whenever a character dies.
7. Eat a cookie every time Keith Giffen writes a meta-textual statement.
8. Drink after every time you turn a page.
9. Finish your drink if Captain K'rot's leg kidnapper is revealed.
10. Eat three cookies if Lonar calls his motorcycle, "Thunderer."
11. Drink whenever Batman makes an appearance.
12. Two drinks when Star Hawkins' robot assistant insults him.
13. Eat a cookie if Ember kisses somebody.
14. Finish your drink if The Hunted game show is cancelled.
15. Drink if Captain K'rot's Raccoon lady friend makes another appearance; eat a cookie of Captain K'rot's friend Pig Iron returns.
16. Drink and eat a cookie if Adonis is still alive.
17. Down three shots if Blue Beetle is returned to Earth.
18. Finish your drink if T'morra's bartender betrays the rebellion.
19. Eat a cookie every time Stealth is in a panel and not using her power.
20. Drink every time Stealth is in a panel and using her power. Finish a full beer if this never happens by the end of the comic.

I think I've covered most of what might happen! Now I'll just scan in the pictures which match one of the rules! Everybody ready? Let's go!

I'm calling five drinks on Page One due to violation of Rule #4! At least five bureaucrats are involved in the fracas with Jediah, so they're either pummeling or being pummeled.

Drink because we're turning to Page Two (Rule #8)! Oh man. I hope nobody decided to start out with Tequila because the first panel on Page Two is going to fuck you up.

Nine people hit with a light construct! Drink nine times thanks to Rule #4!

The next few panels are the ones I initially scanned. I think those call for eating a cookie because the Human Resources Manager calms the violence by being rational (Rule #3). It was about time to eat a cookie anyway!

Page Three sees quite a few violations of Rule #2 thanks to Caul acting like a typical Green Lantern and thinking nobody has any authority over them except maybe the stupid Oans.

Two drinks for two acts of defiance by Caul (Rule #2) and one drink for Lady HR's deescalation with her mind powers (Rule #3. I think mind powers can be considered being rational).

Turning to Page Four, so take a drink (Rule #8)! Oh, but first take a drink because of Batman's appearance on the inside cover (Rule #11). I almost missed that one!

Page Four has five panels with Stealth not using her powers, so eat five cookies (Rule #19)! And be sure to wash them down with a drink because we're turning to Page Five now (Rule #8). I'm not counting advertisements as story pages. But they will count for Batman appearances!.

Whoa. Page Five is a bit crazy. Let me scan it in and we'll tally up what happens and maybe make a couple of judgment calls.

Remember how I compared this place to Cheers last commentary? Well, it's time to break down the set!

Holy shit. This page alone makes it look like I already read this comic before making my rules because it's a fucking guzzlefest. First off, eat a cookie for the first panel's meta-text commentary on the cancellation (Rule #7)! Second, I think we can call this as the bartender betraying the Rebellion since she was working with The Hunted game show by running this Hunted Set so finish your drink (Rule #18). Now be sure to get another completely full drink and finish it because The Hunted game show has been cancelled (Rule #14). Eat one more cookie because Stealth appears on panel without using her power (Rule #19). I think that's everything! Be sure to get another drink ready because we're turning to Page Six now (Rule #8).

Don't listen to the Bartender/Actress! Rules are not made to be broken! Stop trying to skip eating cookies and drinking drinks just because you're getting slammed by this game!

Page Six gives us a bit of relief from drinking. But we do need to eat three cookies due to two appearances by Stealth (Rule #19) and one metatextual comment about "Mysteries in Space" (Rule #7). See, Mysteries in Space is another old DC Anthology Title which this guy is going to go star in. That wasn't meant to be patronizing for all y'all who already knew that. I just figured some people might be wondering why they were eating that third cookie! Although who really needs a fucking reason to eat a third cookie?

Take a drink because we're moving on to Page Seven (Rule #8)!

I think this counts as defiance! Rule #2! Drink up, bitches!

It's a good thing it's five in the morning and I couldn't purchase any alcohol before reading this or I might be on the floor by now puking up Oreos.

Turning to Page Eight, drink up (Rule #8)! This page turning rule is just one of those arbitrary rules in a drinking game that simply allows everybody to drink because why are you playing a drinking game if you don't want to drink at all anyway?

Caul gets his back healed by an Omnidoc on Page Eight so he doesn't have to use his Green Lantern Brace anymore. If he'd made that brace during this issue, it would have been time to eat a cookie thanks to Rule #5! As Caul is led by Lady HR to get some answers about why The Hunted is ending, they pass by a scene that deserves one cookie for Rule #7 (meta-textual commentary) and three shots for sending Blue Beetle home (Rule #17).

Oh. I think a drink is in store for Caul's defiance as well (Rule #2).

Drinkity drink up because we're turning to Page Ten (Rule #8)! Caul is led into the Office of the person running The Hunted: T'morra! I still think this allows for the full drink judgment call on his bartender earlier. They were just in it together is all!

Just to be on the safe side, I think we should chug an entire drink with a couple of cookies crumbled into it in honor of Rule #7, Meta-textual commentary, simply based on the overall premise of this entire issue!

Turning to Page Twelve, so chug-a-lug (Rule #8). Just a little bit! One tiny drink! So maybe I used chug-a-lug incorrectly. It's not like I was ever sober enough to learn proper usage in situations when people were using it! Anyway, get your drinks and cookies ready for more!

So this is where Blue Beetle actually returns. Don't worry, you don't have to drink again. Unless you want to!

I suppose we'll count the above panel as four drinks thanks to Rule #4 (Punching and shit!) and one cookie thanks to Rule #7 (meta-textual narrative concerning the reasons for introducing Lonar and Blue Beetle into the title). And another drink as I turn to Page Thirteen (Rule #8). You know, we wouldn't need to drink so much if the advertisements were placed more strategically.

Three drinks thanks to Rule #4 and two cookies thanks to Rules #3 and #7! And another drink as I'm going to be turning to Page Fourteen after this caption (Rule #8).

On Page Fourteen and Fifteen, Caul and T'morra simply discuss job offers. T'morra "offers" Caul a job starring in a new show about an inspirational hero that always tries to do the right thing. Caul, the soon-to-be actor, already understands the job of an actor fairly well when he realizes he's simply going to be a "walking, talking, propaganda-spewing shill." You should probably eat some cookies here due to Rule #7. I don't know how many. Whatever you feel comfortable with. And a drink as we turn to Page Sixteen (Rule #8).

Fuck it. Just eat all of your Goddamned cookies.

Rule #7 probably doesn't matter anymore since I told you to eat all of your cookies. But on Page Seventeen, T'morra mentions Space Cabby and how he's disappeared from everyone's memories.

If you've actually been playing the Threshold Drinking Game, you probably won't remember this. Or you'll simply assumed you hallucinated it.

Caul decides to join up and star in the show. He's put in costume and sent off to appear in the pilot episode. But it doesn't turn out quite like he expected.

Whoops! Rule #6! Finish your alcohol! Game over!

T'morra's big fake out was that Caul would get a Glimmernet show and everybody would make a ton of money. Instead, T'morra films Caul being murdered to establish the premise of his Glimmernet Show:

Fuck. I've scanned way too many pages of this thing. I'll have to do the back-up story scanless and with no drinking!

The back-up story reveals that Star Hawkins was the one to kill Caul when he suddenly materialized in front of a panicked Hawkins. So Hawkins is the guy T'morra is hunting in his new show! It outta be pretty exciting whenever it gets published in Super Pretend Imagination Land!

Threshold #8 Rating: +10 Drunkenness. So Men of War failed. G.I. Combat failed. Threshold failed. Is Mystery in Space next? Or maybe Ghosts? I'm kind of hoping for House of Secrets.

Nightwing #23

Why is there an indoor arena Jumbovision screen hanging over an outside ballpark? Are they playing BASEketball?

For any readers out there that suffer from migraines, here's a tip to help recover that you won't hear from a doctor. You don't need any medication. Get a nice big towel. Spread it out on the bed in a dark, cool, quiet room. Lie back on the towel. Get as relaxed as the pain will allow. Then masturbate. The blood will move from your head and you'll likely pass out immediately afterward. You'll wake up feeling refreshed and better than you've ever felt. That feeling better than ever isn't a side effect of the masturbation. It's that feeling that all migraine sufferers know very well. It's the feeling of once again not feeling like porcupines are wrestling behind your eyeballs. It's the feeling of a second chance at normalcy!

That was serious advice. Seriously. Of course that's just the way to take care of a migraine once you have one. The only way to stop getting migraines once and for all is to take a good, long look at your life and figure out what is best for you. Most migraines are caused by people trying to adapt to society's normal forty hour nine to five work week. I'm an owl as opposed to a lark and trying to be a lark resulted in severe migraines a few times a month. But once I quit any semblance of a day job and have not used any sort of alarm clock for the last eight years or so, I only get migraines when I don't eat properly and really fuck up my sleep schedule. That means maybe once or twice a year now. Although I do still suffer from the occasional sinus headache. But those are a fucking relief compared to migraines. In my current life, I live by the words of Giles Goat Boy: "Fatigue was my only curfew, sufficient rest my one alarm." It fucking works like a charm.

So you're welcome for the migraine cure information. If you try it and it works, drop me a note about your experience. A very, very, very detailed note. With diagrams.

I'm like a one member Council for the Utility of Masturbation. I wanted to call my council "The Council for the Efficacy of Masturbation" because it sounds better. But the other name had a better acronym.

So Nightwing. He's still in fucking Chicago. Hey?! Nightwing! Get the fuck out of Chicago! You're boring in Chicago and Batgirl isn't in Chicago and she's really vulnerable right now because a guy she's been dating just stumbled and fell into a refrigerator, so you should go console her!

Oh. I see. You're already working on a redhead. Go on. This seems a bit more urgent. And more likely to end in bed.

What are the odds that the woman in danger is a redhead? Pretty good, actually. With all the anarchy about Chicago, Nightwing probably had to begin doing some triage. And the first people that need his help? Redheads! Preferably female. And between twenty and thirty six. Older than that and things might get a little Oedipal. Although Dick is being so flippant about this life and death situation, I can't imagine she's going to thank him very enthusiastically.

Nightwing: "Are you shaking from pure terror or are you just happy to see me?"
Danielle: "I nearly fucking died while you cracked jokes, you asshole!"
Nightwing: "What's a hot redhead like you almost dying in a place like this?"
Danielle: "Fuck off!"
Nightwing: "Have you seen what these tights do for my ass?"
Danielle: "Oh, what the hell. There's a motel just down the block."

Forget what I said. Apparently Danielle loves flippant assholes who lack any sense of urgency.

After saving Danielle, Nightwing informs her that he's kind of busy right now and the fantastic oral sex and weird anal bat toys will have to be enjoyed at a later date. Right now, he needs to find The Prankster and save Chicago! Dick heads back up the building to interrogate one of The Prankster's men.

It's nice to see Nightwing can fight crime in such a lighthearted manner when Chicago is practically burning down around his balls and he's hunting the man that murdered his parents.

The alternative to Nightwing joking and being happy is fucking Batman and who needs more of that sourpuss? Batman's secret identity should be Admiral Sourpuss of the H.M.S. Buzzkill.

While Chicago is falling apart, the local news decides it's in its viewers' best interests to report on the long ago murder of The Flying Graysons.

Holy fuck! Dick Grayson is HUNG!

Meanwhile Dick finds out that his roommate has been kidnapped by The Prankster and taken aboard a boat. Not Joey the Computer Whiz bombshell roommate; Michael the photographer stud muffin roommate. Does Nightwing ever meet anybody unattractive that doesn't work for Haly's Circus?

And the revelations just keep coming! Not capital "R" revelations because that one just comes the one time and then look the fuck out! Flying horses on fire and corpses looking for work. No, this is a small "r" revelation and it's made by Tony Zucco's wife when she realizes that she's married to an ex-hitman dickfaced piece of shit mother fucking slimeball.

This is the face Tony Zucco makes when he's not sorry he did it all; he's just sorry he got caught.

Don't ever ask that stupid ass question of anybody. Of course they're only sorry that they got caught. It's why they were trying to hide the stupid ass shit. Because they didn't want to get caught. If they were truly sorry about what they did, they would have begun trying to make amends. But if they haven't begun trying to make amends, then you can be nearly certain that they're only sorry because they were caught. Stop asking stupid questions, people.

Oh, you're just wasting your breath. I already told him this last commentary.

Apparently Tony Zucco believes he knows who The Prankster is. I hope it isn't anybody I know since I haven't guessed who it is and I'll be really embarrassed when it turns out to be totes obvious.

Back in Chicago, Nightwing sort of quotes the only line anybody remembers from Jaws besides, "OH MY FUCKING GOD IT HURTS!"

I wonder how many times per day, somebody says, "We're going to need a bigger X"? Where 'X' is whatever noun fits the situation. "We're going to need a bigger babysitter!" Or "We're going to need a bigger tube of lubrication." Or "We're going to need a bigger shark!"

After Nightwing rescues Michael and everybody else on the sinking boat, Tony Zucco shows up to offer Nightwing a deal. They're going to have to pull their resources because Zucco knows about The Prankster and Nightwing has a nice ass. It's either work together or watch Chicago burn.

You know, I'm really not going to be upset no matter what Nightwing's decision is.

Nightwing #23 Rating: No change. Nightwing never did get crucified by the end of this thing. In fact, he never even encountered The Prankster. So I'm feeling a little ripped off by the cover. It's not the worst sin DC has ever committed but since it's the current sin that I'm experiencing, it sure as hell feels like it! Y'all are a bunch of crucifixion teases, DC!

Demon Knights #23

Hey DC! Why don't you just cancel all of your comic books and just make them "Superman and X" or "Batman and Y"?

Even if DC was selling a book called "The Greatest Written and Drawn Comic Book of All Time" (and that title was true!), fans would turn their nose up at it and call it terrible and pass it up on the shelves to pick up some shitty piece of shit written by some shit writer simply because a favorite character was in it. How do I know this? Because Etrigan and Vandal Savage are two of my favorite characters! Of course I hate Madame Xanadu so that balances things out a little bit. But you know how I know this comic book has been written well? Because I like Madame Xanadu in it!

Wait a second. That actually might mean that this comic book is written poorly because they've gotten Madame Xanadu's characterization all wrong! No, no. This is the version of her that was passionate and in love with a Demon (while being in fake love with the man tied inextricably to that Demon). This version of her was before she realized she can coast on her past accomplishments and constantly tell everybody that the world was going to end if they don't immediately bring her a Caramel Cookie Frappaccino or wash her car. So that's all right then.

I believe another reason this series didn't have as many readers as it should have had is that it was basically outside of continuity. People seem to really like that continuity thing. "I want my stories to have repercussions on the greater universe!" Or some such shit. Of course that isn't true. This book tied in to Stormwatch and Swords of Sorcery and Team 7 and All Star Western. Sort of. If you were into that whole Eclipso Crossover event which, as an "event", really wasn't very good. Some of the individual stories were fine and I did like how it tied in to and wrapped up in Swords of Sorcery.

The art in this series hasn't missed a beat for 23 issues. I suppose it was time to stumble here on the 24th. It's passable comic art, mostly. I chose this panel because Ystin looks so goofy. I think Phil Winslade could have used an inker on this issue. I also have to wonder why he's doing the art on this final issue. I suppose the other artists moved on to non-temporary gigs!

Oh, while I'm mentioning the art which I rarely do and should be kicked in the balls for not doing so so often (also, I should think my sentences through better and stop making them linguistic jungle gyms), Howard Porter delivered another spectacular cover! God damn, just between the covers of Issue #22 and #23, I've become a huge fan of this man!

Meanwhile on the writing side of things, the Giants are bombing the poo-diddly out of al-Wadi. And just to show that I'm not thoroughly unhappy with Phil Winslade, I'll scan the Demon Knights reaction to the bombing.

This is a good job of what I consider standard comic book art. It doesn't jump out at me as really pumping hard any of my aesthetic orifices, but it doesn't detract at all. It does it's job and, I think, it does an above average job for an artist without an inker taking on a completely new book by himself. Now if al Jabr were recovering from a stroke, this would be fantastic!

During the chaos of me commenting on art and giants bombing al-Wadi, Brickwedge and Sarah have a nice little moment.

I hope Brickwedge and Sarah show up in another comic book at some point.

Brickwedge shares in the immortality granted by the connection between Sarah and her horse, right? RIGHT?! Oh man. I'm going to be sad of Brickwedge isn't immortal. More sad than I am knowing that I'm about to finish the last issue of this comic book! I wonder if I can make reading it last forever! Won't you join me on my forever read, Georgy? We all float down in here in the forever read! Forever and ever and ever, Danny!

Speaking of Stephen King, when The Dark Tower series ended, I left the last chapter unread for a few months. And then I couldn't take it any more because what the fuck was I doing? It's not like I was extending the pleasure of the book! I was just keeping Roland from gaining any kind of resolution! So I read it and it was what it was and now I've forgotten most of everything anyway. I remember there was a boy and a werewolf and people lit out for the territories and the boy's father's business partner was the ultimate evil and he tried to form a paradise of evil in Las Vegas when Captain Tripps killed everybody. Remember Captain Tripps? M-O-O-N! That spells Captain Tripps! Did any of y'all read Desolation? I'm pretty sure it was Stephen King's Wasteland (see the similarities in title?) where he brought together bits and pieces of all of his books and stories up until that point. Not like he fit them all into the plot or anything. But I think he mentioned them or characters had connections to characters in other books or...or...or maybe I was dreaming. It's been a long time!

Not that T.S. Eliot's The Wasteland was about bringing all of Eliot's writings together! The comparison was that The Wasteland was adrift with the flotsam and jetsam of Eliot's culture and King was kind of doing that with Desolation except the cultural cache was knowledge of Stephen King books instead of knowledge of whoever was the Beavis and Butthead of the early 1900s and other intellectually stimulating topics of the time. Perhaps I could have just said the current zeitgeist! No, that's stupid. And German!

I think I was supposed to be drinking sake while celebrating the life of this comic book as I put it in a dusty box for good! But it's five in the morning and stupid American Puritanical Liquor Laws say I can't buy alcoholic beverages until eight in the Ante Meridiem! Stupid laws. I can get drunk and crash my car just as easily at 8 AM as at 5 AM!

The city is getting pummeled and all they can talk about are Giant Bowel Movements and Xanadu's proficiency at hand jobs.

Remember that Eclipso crossover I mentioned? This issue is part of that since Exoristos seems to have left the Black Diamond which Lucifer had given her in the treasure vaults of al-Wadi!

Where has she been keeping that key? In her purse? Or purse-like orifice?

Now I have a bad feeling that Exoristos isn't going to survive this battle! Because that would just add another piece of the puzzle to the journey of Eclipso's Black Diamond. Although I don't see al Jabr getting his own New 52 title, especially at seventy years old. I'd read it, of course! But if not many people are reading this series that stars Vandal Savage and Etrigan and, I guess, Madame Xanadu, who's going to pick up al Jabr, Muslim Miracle Man? He could have lots of guest stars, I suppose. And he could be like Bill Nye or Beakman, teaching kids science and the way of Allah! Okay, so somewhat like Bill Nye and Beakman.

Jason Blood returns to Hell instead of going toe to toe with fifty thousand giants. Coward. Wait. Is Hell worse than fifty thousand giants? Maybe he's not a coward. Maybe he just hopes Etrigan gets squashed. Although if Etrigan dies while on Earth, does Jason Blood get to come back? I'm assuming Lucifer wouldn't make Blood's return easy.

How does this giant know what an ant is?! As if it has ever seen one! The giant should say, "Smash them like peasants!" Because giants probably call people "peasants" because they're the size of peas.

During the battle, Vandal Savage is blown out of his cage by one of the giant's bombs. And then al Jabr and his troops unleash their surprise science attack!

Wait, that wasn't a surprise at all! Stupid cover!

Oh Shining Knight! You're so silly! Don't thank God for science! God only created science so that people have to obey laws and limits of the universe. Meanwhile, He's off gallivanting around the universe creating miracles out of thin air and wiping his ass with the Laws of Thermodynamics! What a douchebag.

Al Jabr and his men hurl spears down on the giants from above but the giants block them with their shields while yelling, "Cowardly insects!" You know what, Mr. Giant? I'm sick of you referring to tiny people as miniscule creatures you probably never even have to deal with! How would you even notice or see a flea or a mosquito? They no doubt can't penetrate your thick hide. You should be calling them "birds" or "snakes" or some other creature that probably bothers you more than insects could. I bet birds are like insects to giants, always flying up their nose or building nests in their ears.

Oh! Except I'm forgetting this is a Fantasy Dungeons and Dragons type realm! There are probably giant ticks and giant ants and giant fleas and giant spiders and giant flies and giant everythings that have evolved simply to pester the giant humans! Giant dragons and giant orcs and giant owlbears and giant gelatinous cubes and giant giants! And then the giant giants probably have giant giant ticks and giant giant ants and giant giant fleas and giant giant spiders and giant giant enverythings! Are you still reading this paragraph? You see what I'm doing right? It's never going to end but you kept right on reading hoping for a better payoff than escalation and repetition! Good for you! Brownie points!

But then al Jabr reveals that he had a better idea than the balloon idea that was already spoiled on the cover! He has one last card up his sleeve: the Black Ace of Diamonds!

Phil Winslade's art is much better than it sounded like I was giving it credit for across this issue. He has done a tremendous job as the fill-in for this final issue. Huzzah! Or something.

So the Giants are collecting Earthly treasures for some unknown Daemons! The Demon Knight World has been built into a great place all its own. There is so much richness in 1043 CE that I think this book could have just run for hundreds of issues if it were prior to Crisis on Infinite Earths. Modern Comics have given comic books and their fans just as much as they've lost. Continuity and more mature stories, plots that make sense (for the most part), characters that evolve and change and learn and fuck up: these are great things. But I think fans aren't willing to invest as much time in comic books from a mainstream company that don't directly tie in to the world of their favorite characters. It's a shame because I'd really love to see more variety than flying people in tights. And Batman.

Al Jabr's plan works. The giants kill themselves fighting over the Black Diamond. Hopefully whichever giant is left standing takes the Black Diamond and scuttles off to whatever Daemon Realm he came from. Or else he might turn into a giant Eclipso and destroy everything! But that probably won't happen since I'm reading a bunch of other comic books that take place in this world's future. Etrigan himself heads back to his Demon Realm to leave Jason Blood marveling at the carnage.

I love al Jabr! I need more al Jabr stories! Hopefully a House of Secrets series is in the works and he'll get some story time in that!

What does that say about me that all of these fanpeople on Tumblr are into young characters with lots of relationship drama and I love the old Muslim science man?! I'm going to write some al Jabr fanfic after this!

Vandal Savage escapes during the battle. And after the battle, al Jabr takes up the Black Diamond from the battlefield. He conducts a little experiment out of emotional earshot of the others and finds that the Black Diamond and the Holy Grail cancel each other out when in close proximity. And so he has a solution to keeping both the Grail safe from those who would abuse it and everybody safe from the evils of the Black Diamond. It's also a solution that allows for more stories in the future!

This is a mark of a great comic book! It ended in "Fin" rather than "NOT THE END!" or "THE BEGINNING!"

Demon Knights #23 Rating: +1 Billion Ranks! This comic book made me happy. It was endearing and charming and beautiful and full of adventure and lesbian princesses and immortal assholes and a vampire hermaphrodite and a sarcastic horse and a talented woman with disabilities and a Muslim man of science and an epic search for a lost artifact and a trip to Hell and to Camelot and to Paradise Island and so fucking much awesome was in this book. But most of all it was fun. IT WAS A FUN COMIC BOOK! I'll miss it dearly each month.

I'd like to thank all the artists and writers and colorists and letterers and editors that worked on this book. I never felt like I was ever being let down on this title. So thank you,

The Writers
Paul Cornell who created the series and the link they had with Stormwatch.
Robert Venditti who came on board and didn't miss a beat, continuing the top notch writing and letting the characters keep their character!

The Pencillers
Diogenes Neves who made this book one of the best looking books of The New 52.
Michael Choi and
Robson Rocha for filling in the gaps when Neves couldn't be bothered. I mean, was overworked!
Bernard Chang for, like Neves, really kicking some visual ass on this thing.
Chad Hardin for his work on the late issues that didn't pop quite like Neves and Chang but had a style that I adored.
Phil Winslade for really bringing this book home even though I wasn't so sure at first. Great work after all is said and done!

The Inkers
Oclair Albert,
Julio Ferreira,
Dan Green, and
Wayne Faucher for doing what they do for the pencillers. If I went back to look at Penciller/Inker combinations, I'm sure I'd see exactly what each of these talents brought to the book. But I'm a bad fan and so I'd just like to thank them for helping make everything so pretty.

The Colorists
Marcelo Maiolo for imbuing this book with a bright, fantasy look. Marcelo nearly colored the entire run and only missed the last few issues. This book wouldn't be the same without Marcelo's outstanding palette on every page.
David Curiel for filling in the final few issues and not making a misstep. The colors popped all the way to the end.

The Letterer
Jared K. Fletcher lettered every fucking issue and kept Etrigan speaking divinely! Or, um, Unholyly!

The Cover Artists
Tony Daniel
Tomeu Morey
Norm Rapmund
Philip Tan
Jeremy Cox
Alex Garner
Howard Porter
They all did a tremendous job and I'm sure more fans would have picked this book up if only the way local stores purchased comic books were different. But with the margins they make, how can they order enough extras without risking the loss? I can't imagine how many fans never even saw how good this book looked on the shelves.

The Editors Chris Conroy,
Matt Idelson,
Joey Cavalieri, and
Kyle Andrukiewicz. Thanks for never intruding on the story. The best editors are the ones I never rant and rail against, and I believe y'all got away from my venom Scott Free!

and, of course, Jack Kirby for creating Etrigan right around the same time my parents were creating me.

I began the first commentary of Demon Knights with this: "Please let this comic be good. I have Jack Kirby’s original sixteen comic run, the initial Demon 4 part mini-series, and all of the second run by Alan Grant and Val Semeiks." And now I can happily add this Demon run to my box of Demon comics from the last forty years or so. Long live Etrigan!

Suicide Squad #23

This issue looks like a lot of fun!

I've got other writing projects to work on, so I'm thinking about changing the way I do things here. Although changing my routine hurts me in the space in my brain where most people feel love and affection. I feel comfortable doing the same thing over and over again. Which many of you have probably noticed if you've managed to read my commentaries for more than one month in a row. Same old Superboy jokes over and over. Same old Scott Lobdell attacks. Same fucking swears, over and over and over. But that's why I was thinking about trying something new! I was thinking a way to make this less time intensive on my end was to do one comic per day in the normal way, writing the commentary as I read the comic book. And then for the second commentary of the day, I'd just read the book and comment on it afterward. The biggest problem with beginning this new format will be beginning the new format. I'll have to think about it for a bit. Maybe the next time I read a comic I've become bored with (like Batwing!), I'll do the commentary the new way.

Now that the boring business part of the commentary is over with, it's time for the boring commentary part of the commentary!

Last issue we learned that everybody was going to die because the Samsara Project was causing everybody to reject their souls. This issue, Amanda Waller has some 'splaining to do!

And James Gordon Jr. has some Foreigner to sing.

This is my art paragraph! So far, I really like the new artist! I think this is his first book for The New 52. That was my art paragraph!

Apparently John Lynch was behind all the non-Waller chaos of the last couple of issues. The reason it doesn't feel at all tacked on is because Waller was withholding the information the way she normally does. So it totally makes sense that Anarchoterrorists weren't really behind trying to flood Las Vegas with Shit Monsters or that Harley Quinn wasn't actually trying to break out of prison when she eventually worked out a Suicide Squad Benefits Package with Amanda. But anyway, John Lynch is their real enemy. You remember him, right? The dick leader of Team 7? The reason for all of this chaos? Not to test his Hypnotizing Billboard Technology. No, no. It's to fuck with Amanda Waller.

So the Suicide Squad is busy trying to infiltrate their way into Mingowee. The last time I had a Geography class was in 7th grade where I wrote an oral report about Icebergs by simply copying the text out of a sixties encyclopedia. Seriously, how could I not plagiarize something so fucking boring as icebergs? Was I supposed to punch it up with some dick jokes?

Oh, also, Comic Books tend to make up names for fake countries! So Mingowee is probably a fake name and Ales Kot made it up because it sounds like a hurt vagina in British Slang.

"Oh look! A pale white clown woman with a pie in her picnic basket! This should be fun and isn't suspicious or weird at all!"

There's a bit of a flashback where the details of Harley and Amanda's new benefit package are discussed. The neck bombs have been removed from the Squad and they'll all be released in a year to work as informants. So the deal is to become a snitch? Sounds like a pretty shitty deal. If they, you know, stick to it. I can't see King Shark (or Harley (or Deadshot!)) becoming informants.

Look out! She's got a pie! She's also looking mighty adorable!

I bet her pie is full of a slow acting poison that will give the guards horrible diarrhea and kill them in a day and a half. Or she might just use the gun that's next to the pie. Either way.

Cheetah runs around setting off landmines for some reason. I suppose to be a distraction? Because I doubt Waller is sending in any military vehicles to help the Squad out. And Deadshot is sniping John Lynch in the face.

Just like Call of Duty! One shot in the head doesn't fucking do a thing! At least John Lynch didn't lunge from this distance with his knife and kill Deadshot. Then it would have been exactly like Call of Duty! Also, where did that piglet come fro...oh, never mind. It's John Lynch's hand.

And then the expected Small Terrorist Nation Super Villain Team shows up! First up against Harley is Crow Jane. The Crow versus the Clown! She either has the ability to command crows, or she's really good with .32, .44, and .38 caliber pistols. She also might be talented at finding roadkill.

Or maybe she has bird vision and sees things slower so she can count bullets from an automatic weapon. You know what's easier than counting bullets, Crow? Listening for the gun to stop making POW POW POW noises! She probably burned through the entire clip in just a few seconds.

Next up is Lamplight. This guy looks like a second-rate Green Lantern and his Lamp is powered by a hand crank. He calls King Shark ugly because, and I'm just guessing here, Lamplight has never looked at himself in a mirror while wearing his ridiculous outfit.

Impetus goes after Cheetah because he's the fast one and the fast people always have to fight the fast people. That's stupid thinking! What I would do is have the fast villain go after all of the heroes except the fast hero. Then I'd have all the villains that are left team up against the fast guy. It might work if you're the one doing the ambushing! Nobody expects to be doing one thing and then to be tied up and naked and hanging from a tree one second later!

Lastly, Amaze pins Deadshot to the ground with her foot. So it looks like a Dollar Store version of the Justice League's big Five minus Superman. Maybe Lynch was saving Superman's slot for the day he could once again have Majestic under his control.

So Lamplight's powers are nonexistent and King Shark has powers I didn't know existed. Sonar? Really?

Isn't what King Shark describing simply really good hearing? I'm not saying he doesn't have sonar; it's just that he wasn't actually using it at this moment, was he? He just heard this idiot coming. And speaking of this idiot, did Lynch simply tell him he had powers that he doesn't actually have? Is this one of his hypnosis tricks? I suppose I actually just answered my own question when I called him an idiot.

Oh yeah! Lynch called for help from Titan when he was shot in the face. So Titan is the Superman equivalent on this team.

Impetus is defeated by Cheetah's landmine bees. Those are bees that smell dynamite and lead people to land mines. Or something. I don't know! I seem to have let my Great Moments in the Advancement of Modern Warfare Magazine subscription lapse. Even if the bees could detect landmines, I'm not sure why they needed them. Cheetah could have simply run across the entire field before the bees even found one mine.

Crow Jane ends up being less like Batman and more like Black Canary. I should have guessed by her Ross Dress for Less version of Dinah's old outfit. She actually looked more like Zatanna when I first saw her. But now she tries to scream at Harley and just gets hit in the face by Harley's landmine pie. Good thing the bees didn't set it off!

You know, this Super Villain team might actually be decent if they didn't have to scream their imaginary super powers at their enemies.

Deadshot defeats Amaze with kissies and doing its. Although before they can get to the doing it part of the plan, Titan cock blocks him. But then Deadshot proves that Titan's no Superman.

Too bad he uses up his one cock block for the day because he could have used it here.

Once Titan is down and Deadshot gets clear with Amaze, Amanda Waller has dozens of drones (and a stealth bomber!) bomb the crap out of Mingowee. Lynch seems to be somewhat immortal or something, so he'll probably be back. But for now, his plans of taking over a small nation state and using their oil and gold resources for his own ends has fallen through. And not just because most of the nation's super team has been beaten but because the Leader, Paris Mingowee, has been killed as well.

This page made up for all of the horrible jokes throughout the issue. Plus Harley is looking adorable again.

Suicide Squad #23 Rating: No change. I'm always wishing comic books would be more whimsical and fun. And then Ales Kot adds a lot more of that aspect to this book. Which I think it definitely needs. He nails it in that last page I scanned. I really liked the lightening of the mood in most places but I found some of his attempts awkward and ill-fitting of the mood. Like when he announces Mingowee in the Narration Boxes as "Some Country Somewhere Far Away" and then gives the president's title as a long joke title. I'm not against this kind of thing; it just didn't work for me here. I'm still not a fan of James Gordon Jr. being in love with Waller and not acting anything like a sociopath or psychopath. If it weren't for the fact that he's Narration Boxing all of his love feelings and his sudden philosophy of kindness, I'd believe he had some kind of ulterior motive. Perhaps Bab's Batarang caused some brain damage when it went through his eye.

Katana #7

In this issue, Katana decides which man better completes her.

Will Tatsu be known as Katanas from now on? She just had her Soultaker reforged and she's not using it? Because I'm fairly certain Soultaker doesn't have a hilt like these swords. It has kind of a melted demon face motif going on or something. Anyway, I hope Katana kills Sickle and exorcises Maseo.

This issue is called, "What happened THAT night?" What night?! What did I miss? What the fuck are you on about, Ann Nocenti?!

Shun the Untouchable, the Tattoo Artist missing a foot and possessed by a little girl spirit, is visiting Junko the Drunken Master. I think Shun is missing a foot. I should probably remember plot points better since I'm constantly claiming to be a master comic book reader. I suppose I'm not staking Master Comic Book Rememberer territory! I'd look through my back issues of Katana but I'm using my comic book boxes for a foot rest, so that's not going to happen.

At least I know my limits.

Whew. All I had to do was turn the page!

I thought maybe the line about Shun biting down on the stick like a dog was about her foot being cut off. But she's also an untouchable sex slave, so she really could have been describing her Saturday night. I really shouldn't make light of sex slaves being treated like dogs since it's a terrible, horrible, vicious problem in this world. Why, I wonder, does anybody try to portray masturbation in a negative light when celebrating its usefulness might actually put a small dent in the amount of sexual crimes on this planet. Let's celebrate masturbation! You know Holi, the Festival of Colours? We should have something like in America except for masturbation.

You know what? On second thought, that celebration might actually wind up causing sexual crimes. Or, at the very least, a horribly sticky mess.

Tatsu examines the rest of Shun's tattoos and discovers that there are more Outsider Clans than just the Sword Clan! One of the tattoos is a Green Arrow. Like her partner in Justice League of America! And then while searching Shun's body, she makes a horrifying discovery!

I think that's what I said when I first saw one too.

Of course Ann Nocenti doesn't reveal what Katana has discovered. Nocenti comes from the school of writers who like to use Undramatic Irony. That's where a character in the story knows some horrible or interesting or amazing secret that the reader never gets to learn. But the character makes sure the reader knows that she knows something or has discovered something, like in the panel above. Sometimes Lobdell a writer will have a character think, "I hope nobody discovers my secret!" And the reader is supposed to scoot to the edge of her seat and wait for the exciting reveal of the secret. I hate this shit when a bad writer is doing it. It just makes me think, "Oh, Ann Nocenti has no idea where her stupid fucking story is going but she has to create some kind of dramatic tension, so she lets the reader see the character be shocked by something and then leaves it at that."

Now I haven't moved past that last panel, so maybe Ann Nocenti will have Katana Narration Box what she discovered immediately on the next page. But I have a feeling that's not going to happen. In the meantime, please join me in Tales of Fucked Up Narration, won't you?

These Narration Boxes aren't so bad. But let's begin with these as a control.

Katana, if you don't believe the lies of the tattoo artist and you also think the woman with the tattoos is crazy, why the fuck do you keep going back to her for information? Oh, I remember! Because Ann Nocenti comes from yet another school of writers known as the School of Movement Through Prophecy. In this school, stories do not evolve organically from a protagonist's motivations or flaws or desires. The protagonist is moved like a pawn on a chessboard by outside influences telling the protagonist what is likely to occur in the future. The television show Heroes is one of the best examples of this horror. If you take away all visions of the future, the story never fucking happens. So Katana needs the tattoos to motivate her and keep some forward movement in the comic book.

But apparently Nocenti doesn't need to rely on the Mystery Tattoo (or genitalia) that Tatsu observed earlier. Because Katana still has to infiltrate the Sword Clan after several issues of trying and nearly succeeding and then beginning a new issue so that Katana forgot she was succeeding and needed to begin again. So here we are back at Square Fucking One: Katana needing to infiltrate the Sword Clan.

Immediately after the previous Narration Boxes, Tatsu is buzzed by a falcon.

Here Tatsu has three conversations in her head at once. "Trained falcon. Seemed deliberate. Great weapon." I'm hoping that she puts them together on the next page because I can't figure out the mystery! I think she's reading too much into it. Birds attack my face all the time! It's nothing.

Katana decides that she's too busy right now to investigate the falcon, so she'll follow it's trail back to its master tomorrow. I'm not sure how you follow the trail of a bird a day later but then I'm not Japanese. Or a woman. Or a warrior. It's probably one of those things that enables her to follow a falcon's day old trail. Unless it's just the bird shit.

I think that's just an Urban Legend!

Oh! Oh! I know this story! I know what happens next!

My favorite part of the story is when the woman you're supposed to be rescuing kicks you in the head and kills you.

In a previous commentary, I explained how I don't spend enough time discussing the art, so this paragraph will try to rectify that. The art fucking sucks.

That wasn't very constructive! I should try harder. Um, I like the hands. The hands are usually drawn well. The faces are terrible though. It's like Sanchez draws from the feet up and when he gets to the neck, he falls apart and loses all talent. Perhaps his college could only afford headless nude models in anatomy class?

No, you know what. For once I'm not going to express my opinion as uncontested fact. Alex Sanchez's style just doesn't suit me. I am not enjoying it. But it's his style and it isn't as if he can't draw. He's definitely very good at it. His style just doesn't hit my sweet spot. I'll leave the exact location of my sweet spot to your imagination.

It's my testicles!

After being attacked by the falcon, Tatsu stumbles upon the Japantown Brothel on fire. The prostitutes flee to find a better life while Madame Yoko declares Japantown is over. Yeah, all the fucking hipsters ruined it, coming around with their Japanese monster t-shirts and their One Cup Sake. It was an uncool place to hang out and feel cool before it became a cool place to hang out because it was so uncool. Oh, and don't refer to the Japanese monsters on their t-shirts as Japanese monsters because they've figured out that they're called Kaiju thanks to Pacific Rim and they'll sneer at you and smirk at their friends if you call them "Japanese Monsters." Although they'll do the same thing if you call them "Kaiju" and just remark how you probably only know that due to Pacific Rim.

I miss the Kaiju Cafe on Belmont in Portland. They had delicious vegetarian paninis and Japanese monsters. Oh! I think I have a picture of me there but I doubt you can see any Japanese Monsters!

You can see some toys in the other room but that was The Missing Link. Although they had monsters too! This was immediately after my first hair cut in probably twenty years.

And just for comparison's sake, here I am twenty years ago in my Lobo shirt and on acid. I was sober in the first picture.

Katana also finds out that her place of employment has been completely trashed as well. So she decides her best move is to get the fuck away from anybody else that can get hurt by her proximity. But first she has to check in on Junko and Shun since they've been in her sphere of influence recently. They're just having a barbecue.

Goddammit! Ann Nocenti's Knowledge Fun Farm is already airing repeats! We already learned about Rope-a-dope!

After the barbecue and a brief scene showing that Jack Ryder is still drunk and uninteresting (even if he is possessed by The Creeper), Katana and Shun head out to join the Sword Clan. The only way to join the Sword Clan is to beat the Sword Clan. And then Katana can infiltrate the Sword Clan with the help of Sickle. But since she'll already have joined, I don't know why she needs Sickle's help to infiltrate. Anyway, her plan must be somewhat different now that she has an Untouchable Sidekick.

See? I approve of Alex Sanchez's lower torso! Very nicely done. This is right up there with Nightwing's bottom.

Katana battles the Sword Clan and hacks a bunch to pieces. Now that the Soultaker was reforged without the ritual, does that mean it no longer takes souls? I'm going to assume that's true and Katana will not be speaking with her sword anymore. Although I'm sure I'll find out by the end of this thing because Sickle and Maseo's ghost just appeared to debate which one Katana can work with. Because she obviously can't love one and work with the other. Or love them both. Or not love either and work with both. She has to choose only one to be friends and lovers and work partners with! So Sickle tells her how to remember THAT night! The night she...KILLED HER HUSBAND!

Zing!

Why didn't Maseo ever get a weapon name? Why didn't they go around calling him Throwing Star? I'm glad he's out of the picture because he had a stupid normal name. How was I supposed to know what weapon to defend against if he attacked me with a name like Maseo?

Sickle and Katana head back to find Shun tied up with Coil standing over her. Coil declares that the only way Katana can rule the Sword Clan is to defeat him.

Wait. What? I thought she just wanted to infiltrate? But she wants to run the whole thing? Perhaps Coil only believes she wants to run it all since everybody has now seen Shun's belly tattoo which showed Katana with her foot on a dragon's head with flames behind her. Obviously that means she's going to bring an apocalypse down on the world. No other interpretation on that one, is there?

You know what's really stupid about this ending with Coil challenging Katana to battle? It already fucking happened! Katana defeated Coil at the beginning of Issue #2 and refused to join the Sword Clan! Look, I'll help you remember:

See? Coil defeated. Dead to rights. No meaning no she doesn't want to join the Sword Clan.

But I suppose Katana has every right to change her mind after she learned so much more. Although after defeating Coil, in the VERY NEXT PANEL, she declares, "Coil's too good. Can't fight him yet." And then she goes after a novice to try to turn him to her side to help her infiltrate the Sword Clan! Ugh! Is this book going in spirals on purpose? Is there a Gertrude Stein thing going on here? Am I supposed to viscerally feel how the plot is like Coil's sword? Am I supposed to be experiencing being on the receiving end of Coil's sword? Because by that measure, this book is succeeding!

Katana #7 Rating: -1 Ranking. I bet the first Katana Trade will begin with Issue #1 and then skip right to Issue #8 since one ends with Katana about to battle Coil and eight is beginning with that fight. Just throw the rest of this shit in the fucking Dumpster. Oh, and finally, I should just like to point out that the cover had the wrong inkers on it.

Batgirl #23

Is this story about Gordon hunting Batgirl or Daddy keeping Ricky away from his little girl?

Gail Simone once asked on her Tumblr what people thought of tagging artists in posts about the artists. Did tagging a Tumblr post that criticized an artist's work count as trolling? This is probably pertinent to what I do since I'm a tiny bit critical of Scott Lobdell's work and his talent and his lineage. But when I began this blog, I never even considered that the creators would see anything I was saying. It didn't even cross my mind! I tagged the artists and the writers and the main characters because I figured fans of those things might be interested in what I was writing. I barely expected anyone to read my blog, really. But then Marcus To found a Batwing Post where I simply savaged his cover. And then I felt really bad.

What's odd about that particular commentary is that I tore apart Judd Winick's story as well and yet ended the commentary with this positive review: "Batwing #12 Rating: +1 Ranking. Ha ha! Look at how much I can bitch and still enjoy reading a comic book! What the fuck is wrong with me?" And part of the reason I really enjoyed it was Marcus To's art. And yet I never once complimented the art! I really suck at talking about the art unless it's really, really horrible. If it's amazing, I might throw a line at it which says, "The art is amazing." But mostly I'm concerned with being a huge dick. Once again, "What the fuck is wrong with me?"

So to answer Gail Simone's question about tagging and trolling, I never even considered it. I just figured people might want to laugh at what I think of specific comic books. And they need a way to find those specific comic books, right? Sure, now I know I'm being a troll though! So thanks for pointing that out, Gail!

Another thing that usually makes me feel bad when I'm really on a roll trying to destroy the self-esteem of a comic book writer is to see their face. Fucking Lord Google! When I look up "Howard Mackie" to see how much experience he has at punctuating the English language, I don't need you to throw up a picture of him without my consent!

Lord Google: "Hello Governor! Did you want to know about Howard Mackie? Well here he is! He's an actual human being with feelings and dreams! Look into his eyes! Now imagine tears streaming out of those eyes, dick."
Me: "Fuck you, Lord Google! Just give me what I'm looking for and stop trying to guess what I want!"
Lord Google: "Would you like to see his family as well? I can get you a picture of his dog but you won't be able to kick it from there."
Me: "Stop judging me!"

Batgirl begins with Daddy visiting Knightfall in her lair at Three Towers. It's named that because it's three towers. Knightfall isn't the most imaginative psycho in Gotham.

How about charging her with keeping a dolphin in the wall?! She's a monster!

Knightfall makes me miss writing Batgirl's Diary so I can get her and her henchjerks' names wrong. Ignore that apostrophe if I got it wrong. Sometimes when I'm placing punctuation, I think, "What would Howard Mackie do?" And then I think, "I don't have enough time to type out that many dashes."

Meanwhile Babs is out shopping with Alysia in a part of Gotham I've never seen before.

Nobody's getting murdered! Although I have a feeling that baby might be that couple's lunch.

Last month I asked if women use the same sex as baseball analogy as men do and now Barbara is telling Alysia that there "was some first base action." Technically, Babs, that could mean that you threw Ricky out at first. Or that the first base coach slapped you on the ass. Or that the first baseman was caught on camera adjusting his jock. But I understand what you mean! There was kissing! My next question is this: Are cricket analogies used in England and India and other places that think cricket is an entertaining pastime? Not that I think baseball is any more entertaining than cricket! I'm bored to tears by both of them. But I'm not bored to tears by sex! Although sex usually ends in tears. Tears, not tears. Duh.

Tears and tears being two completely different words reminds me that I hate some English words with irrational passion. The one that I almost constantly read incorrectly is, in fact, "read". I read to children. Go ahead. Tell me how that "read" is fucking pronounced. Stupid words.

Alysia and Babs are inappropriately approached by two daft punks and Babs threatens them with a bit of broken crockery. Why ya gotta make the alternative looking guys be the assholes? The assholes should have been some other social group that would have made other people angry instead of me! How dare you portray young white men with tattoos and no shirts as being insensitive to beautiful women! Just keep perpetuating that stereotype! Oh wait a second. I'm not a young white male with tattoos. Also I'm wearing a shirt. Although I have to wonder if I weren't so shy, would I have been a total prick to women in my younger days? It's like watching Dances with Wolves and wondering if you'd have been as culturally sensitive if you had been raised in that time period. Most people think that because they have modern views of sex and race and culture that they'd be the exact same person if they were born in the 1600s. Of course you wouldn't. You'd probably be an asshole.

Meanwhile Daddy Gordon plans on interviewing Ricky about his meetings with Batgirl. But Ricky is a bit busy at the moment.

So Ricky. Do you prefer to be stuffed into the crisper or spread out among the various shelves and milk trays?

Ricky makes one final call before heading out to get killed. He breaks up with Babs because he's fairly certain she's not going to keep dating a corpse. Second base is coming up quick and it just wouldn't be the same, you know? Luckily for Ricky, Barbara Gordon is Batgirl!

Jim Shooter: "Wait. That redhead with no bat symbol on her is Batgirl? I'm so confused."

Um, thanks Jim! But nobody asked you your thoughts on this comic book. In fact, I'm pretty certain that I swore you off. Go back and be a dick while judging comic books and their creators over at your lonely, mean-spirited little blog!

Ouch. I think I just hurt my own feelings.

As Ricky is trying to get away from Jim and Melody on his way to help his brother, he makes a bit of a miscalculation.

Oh ha ha, Mrs. Simone! Very clever. Refrigerator = cooler = prison. Well played! We'll be seeing you, Ricky!

Gordon calls for an ambulance and back-up and then notices a picture of Ricky and Barbara on the kitchen table. Now he's going to have to kill arrest his daughter as well as Batgirl! Because she got to first base with an attempted murderer! I think that's known as aiding and abatting. Oh! I just realized the Baseball Sex Analogy is appropriate because they use bats in baseball! Wow, I'm so quick!

The cops nearly kill Ricky but Babs, having driven the Batgirl Cave to Ricky's location by following a GPS tracker App she downloaded to his phone, knocks them out and saves his life. Babs has given up Batgirl so she's simply dressed as The Ginger Ninja. Damn. That would be a good future name, Babs!

The next page is the double spread of Villains Month. I'm actually stupidly excited for September! It'll also be my 42nd birthday on the 26th of that month, so plan on seeing a bunch of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy quotes as I begin rereading the five book trilogy.

Oh man! Ricky has now entered the abandoned school to confront the Sixty-Eight Kings and that's when I realize the guy with the Plasma Rifle isn't wearing a funky Bane mask but is wearing a device for his broken nose! Holy shit. That medical paraphernalia is cooler than probably half a dozen costumes in The New 52! Nice job fooling me into thinking a new Super Villain was being introduced, Fernando!

Why does a gloomy city like Gotham need skylights in every building?

Here's The Christian Ginger Ninja at work saving Ricky! She makes the God comment and I think she wears a cross at times, doesn't she? I don't know Barbara's religious leanings (whether they've been mentioned or I just haven't been paying attention, I don't know) but if I had to guess, I'd bet she is a real mild kind of Christian. Like she believes in a Creator and a loving savior because she kind of needs there to be justice not just in Gotham but in the universe as well. Maybe she's Unitarian. My friend Mandy once called the Unitarian Church "a train station for lost souls." I wish somebody would think up a short catchy phrase for all the different Christian denominations so I could tell them apart! My religious education ended after I was baptized as a Catholic not long after birth. I think the priest said something negative about my mother's choice of names for me and my mom's reaction was not, "Oh! I don't want to offend the church! Please, let me rectify the situation so that God will be pleased!" Her reaction would better be characterized as "Fuck you."

My Spanish grandparents wedding picture in the living room of their home was at the courthouse in Santa Clara. Then they had a second wedding picture that most people assumed was their real wedding picture. But what it was was a church wedding since the church either outright told them or intimated that their children would be viewed as out of wedlock with only the legal preceding. This whole story could be a Family Myth but I still like it!

Meanwhile Knightfall is preparing for a war that's currently only in her own deluded mind.

Yay! I was wondering when we were going to learn more about Batgirl's past enemies being freed from prison!

I get it! Her name is Knightfall and she's releasing all of Batgirl's enemies on Gotham to break the Batgirl! Although breaking the Batgirl would just recreate Oracle, so that's not an outcome Knightfall is going to be happy with. Although a lot of DC Fans would shit themselves in joy if Batgirl's back were broken. Man, I thought I was cruel!

Back at the abandoned school, Batgirl and Ricky have managed to take down or chase away the majority of the thugs. Just the leader, Tyrell, is left and Ricky is about to shoot him.

I hear she makes some pretty wicked tamales.

Daddy Gordon and the police arrive just as Ricky is about to kill Tyrell before Tyrell can kill Ricky's brother. But the only person who fires a shot is Daddy Gordon and Babs is left cradling a blood-soaked Ricky that has been shot in the chest. So Ricky? Whirlpool, Maytag, or Frigidaire?

Batgirl #23 Rating: +5 Ranking. This felt like the most tightly controlled story of Batgirl so far. While I'm not a fan of Gordon hunting down Batgirl, Simone managed to win me over just on the way she's telling the story. I like that there is a lot going on and it's playing out nicely paced. I'm very happy to see Charlotte back so that I can discuss her normally even though I did like discussing her in Batgirl's Diary Voice. I suppose Daddy is going to arrest his little girl next issue although I don't think she's done anything wrong except being in the wrong place and dating the wrong guy and having a father that heard about this guy getting to first base with his daughter.