Demon Knights #23

Hey DC! Why don't you just cancel all of your comic books and just make them "Superman and X" or "Batman and Y"?

Even if DC was selling a book called "The Greatest Written and Drawn Comic Book of All Time" (and that title was true!), fans would turn their nose up at it and call it terrible and pass it up on the shelves to pick up some shitty piece of shit written by some shit writer simply because a favorite character was in it. How do I know this? Because Etrigan and Vandal Savage are two of my favorite characters! Of course I hate Madame Xanadu so that balances things out a little bit. But you know how I know this comic book has been written well? Because I like Madame Xanadu in it!

Wait a second. That actually might mean that this comic book is written poorly because they've gotten Madame Xanadu's characterization all wrong! No, no. This is the version of her that was passionate and in love with a Demon (while being in fake love with the man tied inextricably to that Demon). This version of her was before she realized she can coast on her past accomplishments and constantly tell everybody that the world was going to end if they don't immediately bring her a Caramel Cookie Frappaccino or wash her car. So that's all right then.

I believe another reason this series didn't have as many readers as it should have had is that it was basically outside of continuity. People seem to really like that continuity thing. "I want my stories to have repercussions on the greater universe!" Or some such shit. Of course that isn't true. This book tied in to Stormwatch and Swords of Sorcery and Team 7 and All Star Western. Sort of. If you were into that whole Eclipso Crossover event which, as an "event", really wasn't very good. Some of the individual stories were fine and I did like how it tied in to and wrapped up in Swords of Sorcery.

The art in this series hasn't missed a beat for 23 issues. I suppose it was time to stumble here on the 24th. It's passable comic art, mostly. I chose this panel because Ystin looks so goofy. I think Phil Winslade could have used an inker on this issue. I also have to wonder why he's doing the art on this final issue. I suppose the other artists moved on to non-temporary gigs!

Oh, while I'm mentioning the art which I rarely do and should be kicked in the balls for not doing so so often (also, I should think my sentences through better and stop making them linguistic jungle gyms), Howard Porter delivered another spectacular cover! God damn, just between the covers of Issue #22 and #23, I've become a huge fan of this man!

Meanwhile on the writing side of things, the Giants are bombing the poo-diddly out of al-Wadi. And just to show that I'm not thoroughly unhappy with Phil Winslade, I'll scan the Demon Knights reaction to the bombing.

This is a good job of what I consider standard comic book art. It doesn't jump out at me as really pumping hard any of my aesthetic orifices, but it doesn't detract at all. It does it's job and, I think, it does an above average job for an artist without an inker taking on a completely new book by himself. Now if al Jabr were recovering from a stroke, this would be fantastic!

During the chaos of me commenting on art and giants bombing al-Wadi, Brickwedge and Sarah have a nice little moment.

I hope Brickwedge and Sarah show up in another comic book at some point.

Brickwedge shares in the immortality granted by the connection between Sarah and her horse, right? RIGHT?! Oh man. I'm going to be sad of Brickwedge isn't immortal. More sad than I am knowing that I'm about to finish the last issue of this comic book! I wonder if I can make reading it last forever! Won't you join me on my forever read, Georgy? We all float down in here in the forever read! Forever and ever and ever, Danny!

Speaking of Stephen King, when The Dark Tower series ended, I left the last chapter unread for a few months. And then I couldn't take it any more because what the fuck was I doing? It's not like I was extending the pleasure of the book! I was just keeping Roland from gaining any kind of resolution! So I read it and it was what it was and now I've forgotten most of everything anyway. I remember there was a boy and a werewolf and people lit out for the territories and the boy's father's business partner was the ultimate evil and he tried to form a paradise of evil in Las Vegas when Captain Tripps killed everybody. Remember Captain Tripps? M-O-O-N! That spells Captain Tripps! Did any of y'all read Desolation? I'm pretty sure it was Stephen King's Wasteland (see the similarities in title?) where he brought together bits and pieces of all of his books and stories up until that point. Not like he fit them all into the plot or anything. But I think he mentioned them or characters had connections to characters in other books or...or...or maybe I was dreaming. It's been a long time!

Not that T.S. Eliot's The Wasteland was about bringing all of Eliot's writings together! The comparison was that The Wasteland was adrift with the flotsam and jetsam of Eliot's culture and King was kind of doing that with Desolation except the cultural cache was knowledge of Stephen King books instead of knowledge of whoever was the Beavis and Butthead of the early 1900s and other intellectually stimulating topics of the time. Perhaps I could have just said the current zeitgeist! No, that's stupid. And German!

I think I was supposed to be drinking sake while celebrating the life of this comic book as I put it in a dusty box for good! But it's five in the morning and stupid American Puritanical Liquor Laws say I can't buy alcoholic beverages until eight in the Ante Meridiem! Stupid laws. I can get drunk and crash my car just as easily at 8 AM as at 5 AM!

The city is getting pummeled and all they can talk about are Giant Bowel Movements and Xanadu's proficiency at hand jobs.

Remember that Eclipso crossover I mentioned? This issue is part of that since Exoristos seems to have left the Black Diamond which Lucifer had given her in the treasure vaults of al-Wadi!

Where has she been keeping that key? In her purse? Or purse-like orifice?

Now I have a bad feeling that Exoristos isn't going to survive this battle! Because that would just add another piece of the puzzle to the journey of Eclipso's Black Diamond. Although I don't see al Jabr getting his own New 52 title, especially at seventy years old. I'd read it, of course! But if not many people are reading this series that stars Vandal Savage and Etrigan and, I guess, Madame Xanadu, who's going to pick up al Jabr, Muslim Miracle Man? He could have lots of guest stars, I suppose. And he could be like Bill Nye or Beakman, teaching kids science and the way of Allah! Okay, so somewhat like Bill Nye and Beakman.

Jason Blood returns to Hell instead of going toe to toe with fifty thousand giants. Coward. Wait. Is Hell worse than fifty thousand giants? Maybe he's not a coward. Maybe he just hopes Etrigan gets squashed. Although if Etrigan dies while on Earth, does Jason Blood get to come back? I'm assuming Lucifer wouldn't make Blood's return easy.

How does this giant know what an ant is?! As if it has ever seen one! The giant should say, "Smash them like peasants!" Because giants probably call people "peasants" because they're the size of peas.

During the battle, Vandal Savage is blown out of his cage by one of the giant's bombs. And then al Jabr and his troops unleash their surprise science attack!

Wait, that wasn't a surprise at all! Stupid cover!

Oh Shining Knight! You're so silly! Don't thank God for science! God only created science so that people have to obey laws and limits of the universe. Meanwhile, He's off gallivanting around the universe creating miracles out of thin air and wiping his ass with the Laws of Thermodynamics! What a douchebag.

Al Jabr and his men hurl spears down on the giants from above but the giants block them with their shields while yelling, "Cowardly insects!" You know what, Mr. Giant? I'm sick of you referring to tiny people as miniscule creatures you probably never even have to deal with! How would you even notice or see a flea or a mosquito? They no doubt can't penetrate your thick hide. You should be calling them "birds" or "snakes" or some other creature that probably bothers you more than insects could. I bet birds are like insects to giants, always flying up their nose or building nests in their ears.

Oh! Except I'm forgetting this is a Fantasy Dungeons and Dragons type realm! There are probably giant ticks and giant ants and giant fleas and giant spiders and giant flies and giant everythings that have evolved simply to pester the giant humans! Giant dragons and giant orcs and giant owlbears and giant gelatinous cubes and giant giants! And then the giant giants probably have giant giant ticks and giant giant ants and giant giant fleas and giant giant spiders and giant giant enverythings! Are you still reading this paragraph? You see what I'm doing right? It's never going to end but you kept right on reading hoping for a better payoff than escalation and repetition! Good for you! Brownie points!

But then al Jabr reveals that he had a better idea than the balloon idea that was already spoiled on the cover! He has one last card up his sleeve: the Black Ace of Diamonds!

Phil Winslade's art is much better than it sounded like I was giving it credit for across this issue. He has done a tremendous job as the fill-in for this final issue. Huzzah! Or something.

So the Giants are collecting Earthly treasures for some unknown Daemons! The Demon Knight World has been built into a great place all its own. There is so much richness in 1043 CE that I think this book could have just run for hundreds of issues if it were prior to Crisis on Infinite Earths. Modern Comics have given comic books and their fans just as much as they've lost. Continuity and more mature stories, plots that make sense (for the most part), characters that evolve and change and learn and fuck up: these are great things. But I think fans aren't willing to invest as much time in comic books from a mainstream company that don't directly tie in to the world of their favorite characters. It's a shame because I'd really love to see more variety than flying people in tights. And Batman.

Al Jabr's plan works. The giants kill themselves fighting over the Black Diamond. Hopefully whichever giant is left standing takes the Black Diamond and scuttles off to whatever Daemon Realm he came from. Or else he might turn into a giant Eclipso and destroy everything! But that probably won't happen since I'm reading a bunch of other comic books that take place in this world's future. Etrigan himself heads back to his Demon Realm to leave Jason Blood marveling at the carnage.

I love al Jabr! I need more al Jabr stories! Hopefully a House of Secrets series is in the works and he'll get some story time in that!

What does that say about me that all of these fanpeople on Tumblr are into young characters with lots of relationship drama and I love the old Muslim science man?! I'm going to write some al Jabr fanfic after this!

Vandal Savage escapes during the battle. And after the battle, al Jabr takes up the Black Diamond from the battlefield. He conducts a little experiment out of emotional earshot of the others and finds that the Black Diamond and the Holy Grail cancel each other out when in close proximity. And so he has a solution to keeping both the Grail safe from those who would abuse it and everybody safe from the evils of the Black Diamond. It's also a solution that allows for more stories in the future!

This is a mark of a great comic book! It ended in "Fin" rather than "NOT THE END!" or "THE BEGINNING!"

Demon Knights #23 Rating: +1 Billion Ranks! This comic book made me happy. It was endearing and charming and beautiful and full of adventure and lesbian princesses and immortal assholes and a vampire hermaphrodite and a sarcastic horse and a talented woman with disabilities and a Muslim man of science and an epic search for a lost artifact and a trip to Hell and to Camelot and to Paradise Island and so fucking much awesome was in this book. But most of all it was fun. IT WAS A FUN COMIC BOOK! I'll miss it dearly each month.

I'd like to thank all the artists and writers and colorists and letterers and editors that worked on this book. I never felt like I was ever being let down on this title. So thank you,

The Writers
Paul Cornell who created the series and the link they had with Stormwatch.
Robert Venditti who came on board and didn't miss a beat, continuing the top notch writing and letting the characters keep their character!

The Pencillers
Diogenes Neves who made this book one of the best looking books of The New 52.
Michael Choi and
Robson Rocha for filling in the gaps when Neves couldn't be bothered. I mean, was overworked!
Bernard Chang for, like Neves, really kicking some visual ass on this thing.
Chad Hardin for his work on the late issues that didn't pop quite like Neves and Chang but had a style that I adored.
Phil Winslade for really bringing this book home even though I wasn't so sure at first. Great work after all is said and done!

The Inkers
Oclair Albert,
Julio Ferreira,
Dan Green, and
Wayne Faucher for doing what they do for the pencillers. If I went back to look at Penciller/Inker combinations, I'm sure I'd see exactly what each of these talents brought to the book. But I'm a bad fan and so I'd just like to thank them for helping make everything so pretty.

The Colorists
Marcelo Maiolo for imbuing this book with a bright, fantasy look. Marcelo nearly colored the entire run and only missed the last few issues. This book wouldn't be the same without Marcelo's outstanding palette on every page.
David Curiel for filling in the final few issues and not making a misstep. The colors popped all the way to the end.

The Letterer
Jared K. Fletcher lettered every fucking issue and kept Etrigan speaking divinely! Or, um, Unholyly!

The Cover Artists
Tony Daniel
Tomeu Morey
Norm Rapmund
Philip Tan
Jeremy Cox
Alex Garner
Howard Porter
They all did a tremendous job and I'm sure more fans would have picked this book up if only the way local stores purchased comic books were different. But with the margins they make, how can they order enough extras without risking the loss? I can't imagine how many fans never even saw how good this book looked on the shelves.

The Editors Chris Conroy,
Matt Idelson,
Joey Cavalieri, and
Kyle Andrukiewicz. Thanks for never intruding on the story. The best editors are the ones I never rant and rail against, and I believe y'all got away from my venom Scott Free!

and, of course, Jack Kirby for creating Etrigan right around the same time my parents were creating me.

I began the first commentary of Demon Knights with this: "Please let this comic be good. I have Jack Kirby’s original sixteen comic run, the initial Demon 4 part mini-series, and all of the second run by Alan Grant and Val Semeiks." And now I can happily add this Demon run to my box of Demon comics from the last forty years or so. Long live Etrigan!

Demon Knights #22

Within the look of this cover is the key to why I dislike Jim Lee's style.

I looked up Howard Porter (who did the cover!) because I wasn't familiar with his name and I simply adore this cover. Turns out he, and this probably doesn't come as news to anybody else, did pencils on Grant Morrison's JLA in the late 90s. That stuff looks pretty Jim Leeish, so I never would have guessed. But this cover? I love it. It's fairly gritty with none of that sleek shine. It's somewhat cartoony and exaggerated which I often prefer to photorealism. But then there's a demon and a half-vampire on this cover, so photorealism might be a bit absurd.

Wait, wait. Don't move on yet! Let's just drink in that sentence one more time, out of context: "Photorealism might be a bit absurd." Oh, if a truer statement exists....

I didn't know how to finish that last sentence so I just shoved a bunch of periods on the end of it.

This issue begins with Vandal Savage already beaten down by the giants of the Treasure Vault. I'm glad Venditti has decided to continue to tell Savage's story although I was prepared to have this book end with his whereabouts and condition unknown.

I also like the sketchiness of Chad Hardin's art, although it might not be very noticeable in this scan. I don't know if this sketchiness is on purpose or this is simply what happens when you don't have an inker. Either way, it's satisfying something in my liver. Or spleen. Or gizzard. Dammit! Which organ is it that processes aesthetics? Oh! The brain!

Unsurprisingly, Vandal Savage immediately turns on Jason Blood and his cohorts when the Giants threaten to cut him in half. I think Savage is more concerned about his outfit than his life. He offers to lead the giants back to The Grail and the thieves that made off with it.

By the way, do y'all know about this site: Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee? I'd watched the Ricky Gervais one previously and just watched the Chris Rock one this morning. Those are two of my favorite comedians but I really should watch more of these when I can squeeze in some extra non-comic book reading time.

The rest of the Demon Knights return to al Jabr to tell him they have The Grail. Oh, and that they also took care of Cain! It's too bad al Jabr is mortal. I'll miss him in the DC Universe once this title is cancelled and no more stories take place in 1043 CE. al Jabr wants to take a look inside the Grail Box because he's a scientist and until he sees what's in the box, it may as well contain Cracker Jacks. Oh, and one of those little fuzzy cardboard things that would change color to tell you how humid it was. Being that I grew up in California, my fuzzy little cardboard thing never turned pink. But The Shining Knight refuses to question the contents of the box! She insists that it remained closed for vague and barely intelligible reasons!

By "vague and barely intelligible reasons," I meant faith based reasons. And she should really have somebody take a look at that.

The Demon Knights have only stopped by al-Wadi to resupply before they search for Merlin to return the Grail to him. While they're in town though, they may be able to help al-Jabr stop his city from descending into chaos. Isn't that always the way? You build a city dedicated to science, logic, and reason and it's taken over by thugs and thieves. Desire for the greater good can never win out over desire for one's own best interests. This is why faith eventually wins out over rationalization and civilization crumbles. Things don't fall apart because men are having sex with other men and because people deny the existence of God; things fall apart because people want to believe that their ego, their personality, will never, ever be extinguished if only they follow a bunch of ancient laws and vague, interpreted scripture concerned with life 2000 years ago. People like to believe that religion is full of charity and helping others. Bullshit. All religion is based on a selfish desire to exist forever.

Y'all knew I was a cynical bastard, right?

The Demon Knights head to their rooms to get some rest. The Horsewoman chooses to sleep outdoors with Brickwedge, so they're the first to notice the odd trembling when Savage's giants have arrived.

Too bad nobody in the DCnU owns a shrink ray.

The Giants descend on al-Wadi and fire a warning shot which destroys the city's watchtower. But more importantly, it knocks Merlin's Box off of a table, spilling The Holy Grail to the floor. The box was designed to hide The Grail from those that would use it for their own desires. And now that it's out of the box, I imagine The Queen and many others will also be descending on al-Wadi.

But that probably won't happen until around Issue #25! For now, The Grail simply causes an explosion of uncontrolled growth in the flora. To stop the wild vines encasing the city and its people, The Horsewoman manages to place it back in Merlin's Box. In the process, her legs are healed.

And that's what happens when I have a nice hot coffee and doughnut to get to! I summarize the last ten pages in two paragraphs without even trying to be funny! Time to eat!

Demon Knights #22 Rating: No change. This is very nearly my favorite comic book, right after my other favorite comic books which I can't think of right now but they might exist so I'm hedging my bets and not saying, "This is my favorite comic book!" But since I'm not completely biased, it isn't #1 because Batman by Scott Snyder has pretty much been the stand out comic book of The New 52 from the get go. But this book is more fun!

Demon Knights #21

The second half of that statement may as well be appended to every action. "All who leave the house...risk death!" "All who remain in bed...risk death!" "All who drink in public during parades and climb poles to hang from wires...risk death!"

I'm tired and ready for bed so let's just fucking get on with this shit.

The party had made their way through the dungeon, defeated the Giant Octopus, and discovered the final door leading to the Grail. Or possibly leading to the Grail. Madame Xanadu could have failed her Runespeak Skill Check. The treasure on the other side could be an exploding hat stand. Just like a good Dungeons and Dragons party, they spend five pages discussing who's going to go through the door.

Master Fantasyer: "You step down the stairs and into the Evil Kobold Lair."
Hero: "I command The Dwarf to head into the room with a torch so I can see what is going on."
Dwarf: "I do no such thing!"
Hero: "You'll do as I say! I'm the Hero, dumb dumb."
Dwarf: "Then act like a Hero and enter the room yourself!"
Master Fantasyer: The Evil Kobold hears you bickering and throws a poison dart at The Hero."
Hero: "We weren't really fighting! I told The Dwarf to go in and he did!"
Dwarf: "I did not!"
Master Fantasyer: "Look, you told him to go in and he argued with you. So the Evil Kobold heard you and threw a dart at you. Now make your Defend Spin."
Hero: "But that's not fair! The Dwarf should have to make his Defend Spin since he was carrying the torch into the room."
Dwarf: "How could I light a torch? I'm carrying a two-handed Bigger Axe, jerko!"
Hero: "You put down your axe to light a torch? But we're in the middle of a fight!"
Dwarf: "I never dropped my axe!"
Master Fantasyer: "After the Evil Kobold threw his dart, he then had time to summon a Bigger Demon while you kept arguing."
Hero: "We were not arguing! We were having a discussion."
Dwarf: "We were indeed arguing! I'm not doing what he says I'm doing. Ever!"
Master Fantasyer: "Did you make your Defend Spin yet for the Poison Dart Attack?"
Hero: "Why? That hasn't happened yet because I haven't followed The Dwarf into the room yet!"
Dwarf: "I'm not in the room!"
Master Fantasyer: "You're both at the bottom of the stairs to the Evil Kobold's Lair and you've been arguing long enough to get a poison dart thrown at you and a Bigger Demon summoned to boot."
Hero: "This is the last time I adventure anywhere with an obstinate dwarf."
Dwarf: "You don't even know what obstinate means! Or if it's even spelled correctly!"
Hero: "Oh yeah? Next time you better play The Sidekick like we agreed on!"
Dwarf: "No way! You just want to be able to boss me around and have me lick your boots!"
Master Fantasyer: "Do you want me to make your Defend Spin for you?"
Hero: "Don't touch my spinner!"
Dwarf: "When is the damn pizza going to get here? I'm starving."
Master Fantasyer: "My mom will call us up when it gets here. Now are you guys going to fight these monsters or just complain?"

I'm so tired that I just stole my Example of Play from Grunion Guy's Roller Playing Game, Places & Predators.

They decide Jason Blood, Vandal Savage, and Etrigan will make the journey.

The Portal takes Blood and Savage (that's a good name for a comic book!) to wherever the Grail is located. But it won't allow them to travel back. So Blood and Savage agree to try and meet everybody back in al-Wadi once they're successful. Since both Blood and Savage are immortal, they're simply assuming they'll win through in the end.

While Blood and Savage discover a great treasure room past the portal, the others make camp for the night before heading to al-Wadi. Exoristos tells Ystin that the Black Diamond gave her pointy ears and a stupid half moon on her face and weird blue skin which totally made her look post-retro-faux punk which she couldn't stand. So she hid the Black Diamond to be done with it. Sir Ystin seems rather pleased with this story.

I promised to document all kissing. This is one of the better kisses so far in The New 52.

Meanwhile Vandal Savage is looting the treasure room while Jason Blood searches diligently for the Holy Grail. Jason Blood is such a square peg! That's why he doesn't fit with Madame Xanadu who's a complete fucking asshole. But Vandal Savage is my favoritest! He does have a few flaws though.

Like choosing wine over beer.

I don't think there's a better moment to sum up Vandal Savage than this: the amount of waste he's causing for his own selfish desires by upending a magic cornucopia to find one specific item. Isn't he to die for?

Jason Blood realizes many of the artifacts in this room are legendary, powerful items that could really help mankind. But somebody is hoarding them. And just after Jason Blood finds Merlin's Box which the Grail is supposedly in, he and Savage meet the guardians of the treasure room: giants! Two hundred foot giants enter the room with more loot. Not a bunch of giants that are two hundred feet tall nor a bunch of giants with two hundred feet but two giants with two feet each that happen to be one hundred feet tall each. But that's okay because Jason Blood has a plan!

Snitch on themselves!

Actually, he's merely snitching on Vandal Savage because Blood has a way out! He says the rhyme as he leaps toward the giants and Etrigan appears to get the shit smashed out of him by one of the giants. Hopefully you all already read this comic book and experienced this moment for yourselves instead of reading my lame synopsis of it because it was hilariously awesome. It's great moments like these that all the non-purchasers of Demon Knights have killed for me and its loyal fans! Thanks a lot, murderers!

And because Jason Blood was carrying the box that supposedly contains the Holy Grail when he said the chant, he winds up in Hell with a weapon he believes will allow him to push Lucifer around. He's hoping he can get Lucifer to send him to al-Wadi and break the link between himself and Etrigan. And who knows? If this comic is nearing its end, perhaps that'll happen? As we've seen, Etrigan winds up buried beneath London without a mortal host for six hundred years.

Lucifer doesn't break the link but he does recall Etrigan to Hell, leaving Vandal Savage alone to battle the two giants. I suppose if Savage defeats these giants, he'll be set for his immortal life. He'll also have enough legendary artifacts to take over the world, so I have a feeling he's going to flee. Or be captured and tortured for a few decades, in which case Jason Blood will have gotten his revenge. I actually like that option, thematically and shit.

Lucifer sends Jason Blood and his Christ Cup Box back to Madame Xanadu and the gang.

Chad Hardin needs to invest in a t-square.

The last page shows Vandal Savage lying beaten and bloody on the ground with Jason Blood saying, "Vandal Savage finally got what was coming to him." This may have been one of the best and believably calculating plans I've read in The New 52! And I've read a lot of fucking Harvest comic books!

Demon Knights #21 Rating: +1 Ranking. I wish this comic book starred Batman so it wouldn't be on the chopping block!

Demon Knights #20

I wonder if Octopi feel slandered and defamed because of Hentai? Because I can't see a fucking tentacle anymore without believing it's in search of an open orifice.

The Demon Knights have saved Themyscira by killing all the vampires. Although Cain escaped so he's sure to go make more vampires before The Demon Knights can lock him up inside of Andrew Bennett. And The Shining Knight has gone all Bladey and become a half-vampire or something. I think The Shining Knight's goal is to eventually be able to check every single box in the race category on the census form.

As thanks for saving Paradise, Hippolyta has some information for the Demon Knights concerning their quest.

At least when Sir Ystin turns into a vampire, she'll easily be able to walk amongst the humans since she has so much practice passing.

Hippolyta directs the Demon Knights to the Amazonian Library of Congress to learn about The Holy Grail.

Excerpt from Richard F. Burton's translation of the Kama Sutra: "The following women are not to be enjoyed: a leper; a lunatic; a woman turned out of caste; a woman who reveals secrets; a woman who publicly expresses desire for sexual intercourse; a woman who is extremely white; a woman who is extremely black; a bad-smelling woman; a woman who is a near relation; a woman who is a female friend; a woman who leads the life of an ascetic; and, lastly the wife of a relation, of a friend, of a learned Brahman, and of the king." So that leaves what? A young, mute, slightly tanned stranger that has just taken a bath and doesn't want to have sex with you?

Exoristos almost goes into the story told in Wonder Woman about how the Amazons mate. My only question is if they only get reading material from sailors, shouldn't it all be porn and Stephen King novels?

Turns out the Amazons write their own books based on information they extract from the sailors post-coitus and pre-drowning. One of the testimonials came from a man that supposedly knew the location of a chalice that grants the drinker immortality. They learn it's somewhere in the Mediterranean which is probably why they're being attacked by an immortal octopus on the cover. I'm just guessing it's immortal. If The Holy Grail has been tossed in the sea, does that mean that anybody drinking from the sea will become immortal? Perhaps all the sea creatures that pass within a certain radius of the underwater chalice are granted immortality from taking in the Holy Salt Water?

The Demon Knights are gifted a ship from the Amazons and they're off! And, um, two octopus-free days later, they're there!

Forget the octopus! I sense a giant iron man in their future!

Oops! Remember the octopus? It attacks from a crack in the cliff wall!

Speaking of Octopi, some of you may be too young to remember a time when the movie, The Goonies, did not feature an octopus. I saw it in the theaters and my favorite part of the movie at the time was at the end when the kids are asked what the scariest part of the adventure was and Data claims the scariest part was the octopus. I just thought he was making up shit and it made me laugh. Then years later when the Disney Channel was airing the movie constantly, they had put the Octopus scene back into the movie. And I had to apologize to Data for calling him a fucking liar all those years.

Of course the Octopus instantly goes for Xanadu because she's wearing those loose robes with easy access to two of an octopus's favorite orifices. Maybe this is the moment that Xanadu decided knowing the future would be a handy thing. At the very least, it could keep her from getting sushi shoved up her rectum.

It's a trap!

This monster's name is Archie and it's defeated when Exoristos pounds Ystin's sword into its face and Xanadu shoots a bolt of lightning into the sword causing Archie's head to explode. Behind the octopus is a blood covered door with Merlin's glyphs on it. One of them is the glyph for The Holy Grail!

Demon Knights #20 Rating: +1 Ranking. Perhaps their quest for The Holy Grail will actually be coming to an end as I've heard this comic has been cancelled because DC Comic fans apparently buy books simply based on the characters in them and not how well written the comic book is. And I get not buying this book simply because that gunt Madame Xanadu is in it! Although I thought Etrigan might be worth a few more fans.

Demon Knights #19

This comic book should have been cancelled when Adam One was killed at the beginning of time.

Not that I want this comic book to be cancelled! It's one of my favorites! It's just that time is different now thanks to the flame-headed people switching everything over to the Magenta Timeline. Although if I really dug into my DC Fanboy Logic Vaults, I can make excuses for anything. And this one is easier than most. Just make Merlin somebody else! Perhaps since there was no Adam One/Merlin, Mordred founded the Demon Knights for his own reasons and they have no connection to anything called Stormwatch at all. They're just a bunch of misfits that joined together through the machinations and manipulations of some dick wizard. Oh wait! That's exactly how it happened with Merlin anyway!

So see? Changing the timeline hardly means changing the current action in most books. But I wonder if there is now an Earth Prime and an Earth Prime Magenta? That's probably the best way to sort Stormwatch and the rest of the Earth Prime books now.

At the end of last issue, Cain was about to raid Themyscira and Savage was about to raid the Demon Knights' camp.

Vandal Savage is crying out for a hug. He's just acting out because he hasn't been included.

I really enjoy how the conversation proceeds from here. Nobody, not even Savage, is rushing to punch anybody else in the throat or simply acting snarky and disagreeable just to be contrary. Vandal points out that everyone should be slightly more than pissed at Jason Blood and Etrigan for taking them to Hell and nearly ending their immortal lives. That's a reasonable point! But then the Horsewoman lets Savage know that he may be immortal but if Etrigan dies, the world as he knows it may end. A compelling argument for someone who indulges his every desire and whim in the current world. Why would he want to see that world come to ruin? So his response to her? "I'm listening." Fucking incredible. Just...just...man. It's fucking genius how Venditti writes the characters as individual characters that act the way you'd expect the characters to act! This could have been three pages of brawling until somebody said, "What are we doing!? We must stop Cain!" And then they'd all go, "Okay! We'll band together for now!" Instead they discuss the situation and when Vandal finally decides they're all idiots anyway and he's going to kill Etrigan despite what might happen, Xanadu blasts him in the chest and that's it for the fighting. The conversation and the pacing make these a really nice three pages to get Vandal Savage back with the group. Solid and believable. And, as always, Vandal makes every line enjoyable.

Meanwhile, Paradise Island has vampires storming its shores. Can't they get the Gods to help them? Or can not even the Gods harm Cain for fear of death? But the vampires don't storm Hippolyta's stronghold because daybreak is nearly upon them. They hide out waiting for nightfall while the Demon Knights finish building their boat and try to catch up.

I wonder if the Horsewoman is still alive in The New 52 present and I wonder if she can bond with cows. You see where I'm going with this?

Back in Hell where Jason Blood dared Lucifer to torture him more than Etrigan could, Jason Blood is being horribly tortured. There are certain things you don't say to certain people. You don't begin any sentence to an elderly person with "In the long run..." and you don't tell Satan "I'm not afraid of you!" These things just don't end well. But while Lucifer is enjoying the sweet pain and suffering of the idiot Jason Blood, he has a Revelation.

Okay, maybe it's just a small "r" kind of revelation.

Speaking of Revelations, isn't it somewhere in that Biblical book where they speak about the Mark of the Beast? Oh yes, here it is. Revelations 13:16-17: "And he causeth all, both small and great, rich and poor, free and bond, to receive a mark in their right hand, or in their foreheads: And that no man might buy or sell, save he that had the mark, or the name of the beast, or the number of his name." I don't know about you but it sure sounds like cell phones to me. Why would the vision confuse the mark as being on the hand or possibly the forehead? Oh, I don't know. Because you hold the stupid thing up to your head? Yeah, you all fell for it! You've all been avoiding government chips and ID cards but y'all took the stupid Mark of the Beast of your own volition because it was too tempting not to have! It's obvious that's the way the Mark would end up being distributed. Not as something forced on the populace but something the populace felt they couldn't live without. I don't think my burner phone I use exclusively for work counts since I can't buy anything with it. So I'm saving you all from the End Times by being one of the few not yet succumbing to the Mark. So don't let me die! I'm saving the world over here!

Lucifer is such a pussy. Why is he so afraid of Cain? He's just a man! Well a man blessed by God. I mean cursed by God. I never get that right on the first try!

The Demon Knights make it to land just in time to save Hippolyta and her army with the knowledge of how to kill vampires. Vampires are stupid. How did they ever let the secret way to kill them get out?! They could have been so much more if nobody knew their weakness. I guess it's not their fault. I've been reading comic books long enough to know that the enemy always knows his rival's weakness because most writers are lazy. Not that Venditti is being lazy! That was just an example! If I wasn't enjoying Venditti's writing, I'd make it blatantly apparent by disparaging his ancestors multiple times.

During the battle, Sir Ystin approaches Cain for conversion to Vampiricism because one of Merlin's prophecies said, "An evil that will own your very spirit." There might have been more to it than that but I don't remember it and I'm simply relying on the flashback given in the comic book. Also, Merlin could give that prophecy because this story isn't taking place on the sub-Earth, Earth Prime Magenta. Ystin takes it in the neck and collapses. I wonder if this will backfire on Cain for some reason? Like that time the vampire bit Apollo over in Stormwatch. Oh wait. Nevermind. That didn't happen anymore.

Back in Hell, Jason returns to Earth as a personal favor to Lucifer.

And then Etrigan does a personal favor for Lucifer. Boy, Lucifer is really racking up the debts.

Once Etrigan returns full of hellfire, he lays waste to the Vampires with his fiery breath. With the help of the Amazons, the Demon Knights dispatch the last of Cain's army. He says some typical villain words of bravado before tucking his tail and fleeing. I especially like how he transforms into a murder of crows as he flees. Unless it's a parliament of rooks. Or a writing desk of ravens.

Lastly, Exoristos looks to Sir Ystin. He's been bitten but she seems to have retained his senses, more or less. She mentions needing this curse to continue seeking the Grail and Hippolyta's ears perk up. Instead of slaughtering Sir Ystin and punishing Exoristos for returning to the island, the Queen decides to repay the Demon Knights' help with tea, sandwiches, and information.

I'm only guessing at the tea and sandwiches.

Demon Knights #19 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic book fills out twenty pages better than most of The New 52. I rarely feel dissatisfied with the length or the action or the characterizations. What I find truly impressive is that Venditti is the second writer on this book and it doesn't feel like a writer change has occurred at all. This book has been more consistent than some books that have retained a single writer over the last year and a half.

Demon Knights #16

Is this Cain teaming up with one of the first recorded Talons? How fucking old is the Court of Owls? Maybe she simply works at middle ages Hooters.

I see Demon Knights has a new writer, Robert Venditti. His credits include The Surrogates which was made into a Bruce Willis film that I never saw. He has a Masters Degree in Creative Writing so I'm expecting well written crap from him. He's also going to be writer on Constantine when it launches in March. I'm really looking forward to that title so this guy had better bring the goods! Also, I hope he writes well.

This issue begins thirty years after the Battle of Avalon from last issue. And it gives a date of 1043! My only real guess as to the time that Demon Knights was taking place was that it was between 750 CE and 1066 CE.. I guessed those dates based on a single panel where a resident of Britain tells the Demon Knights his family name and some history. He mentions he had viking relatives which meant the comic had to be taking place in The Dark Ages but after the vikings had spread their seed all over the unwilling women of Britain. Also all over the crops and the walls and the livestock and the stone circles. Um, anyway, the comic book now has a date! Yay!

The scene has shifted to Saxony where a bunch of vampires are currently massacring a small village.

It's the Unknown Soldier!

I like the idea of vampirism being the mark that God put upon Cain. In an earlier panel, Cain refers to turning villagers into vampires as placing his "mark" in their blood. It makes sense because Mr. Old Testament God had a bad habit of punishing the wrong people or creating punishments that weren't really punishments at all. The Mark of Cain fulfills both of those criteria! It's not much of a punishment to give a guy immortality and mark that will keep him safe from violence. And God's punishing everybody else by creating this evil bastard that now needs to feed on human blood! That God is a fucking jerk! And I can say that without fear because he'll just punish my next door neighbor's dog when he reads what I just wrote!

Yes, God reads my commentary.

Meanwhile in Lusitania, the Horsewoman is being hunted by men on gigantic armored buffalo. For the first time in the comic book, the reader is privy to her ability to speak with horses. It's not as good as an ability to speak with fish though because fish are fascinating and know a lot of secrets. Horses are usually just, "Yo pony? You gotz carrot? How 'bout'm applez? Nah? No applez? Gorks, I love me some applez. How 'bout'm carrots? Not gots none? Hmm. Hey pony? I asked you 'bout them carrots yet? How's my mane look? Fierce?" Fish, on the other hand, are always, "Hey hey hey hey! How y'all doing? I was just swimming around my favorite sunken Spanish Galleon full of gold! It's my favorite place to poop and no humans have ever found it! Yeah, yeah! You speak good fish so I'll show you where it's at! No problem, man! It's nice to see a surface dweller that can speak fish. You learn from a Tuna? Yeah, yeah. I can hear the accent. Anyway, here's the Galleon decorated with my poop strings. Cool, right?"

Ugh. See what I mean?

The hunters manage to give Maelstrom all of their carrots at once. It's too much! Maelstrom collapses and wants to pass over the Rainbow Carrot but the Horsewoman must first set it free. Apparently the Horsewoman somehow stays young by bonding with horses. This bond keeps the horses young as well. So while I knew four of the seven Demon Knights were immortal, I didn't know about the Horsewoman. Looks like as long as she's bonded with a horse, she doesn't age. That just leaves the question of Exoristos and Al-Jabr. And since thirty years have passed, we'll see how good they look when they appear in this story.

The hunters capture the Horsewoman to take her back to the city and collect a bounty on her. As for Maelstrom, he's chopped up and kept for dinner. The Bison Riders take the Horsewoman to Al-Wadi, "a city of innovation and wonder [in] the heart of Moorish Spain." Hey! Moorish Spain! That's where my ancestors are from! It's in Al-Wadi that she's reunited with Sir Ystin of the Double Genitalia and Exoristos the Exiled Amazon.

Still looking good thirty years later. Do Amazons age slower or was immortality part of her deal with Lucifer?

Not surprisingly, Al-Jabr is the caliph of Al-Wadi. He put the bounty on the heads of his fellow Demon Knights not to punish or jail them but to gather them together once again. He probably should have made that clear to his underlings before they decided to piss off an already pissed off Amazon. It seems Al-Jabr was the only Demon Knight that was not immortal. That's what happens when you believe in the truth of the universe and rely on science and natural laws! You get old and die! Fuck you, Science! Eat shit, Truth! I guess if I want to live forever I need to get in bed with those triple whores, religion, magic, and self-delusion!

Just a few pages in and I'm really enjoying Venditti's writing. I guess a Masters in Creative Writing actually means something! Also, Bernard Chang continues to do a phenomenal job on the art.

Al-Jabr informs this half of the Demon Knights that a monster named Cain is spreading a strange disease across Europe that turns people into cannibalistic monsters. And he's traveling with an Amazon in an ancient Hooters uniform. Perhaps that's all the Court of Owls was in the past? A restaurant franchise which began on Themyscira.

Exoristos, Sir Ystin, and the Horsewoman agree to try and stop Cain before he reaches Paradise Island. But Al-Jabr believes they'll need at least one other member of the Demon Knights. You know which one. This comic book isn't called Fairie Knights or Ancient Immortal Serial Killer Knights! There's only one thing standing in their way of gathering Jason Blood and his better half.

The Cow Howler! Oh, and Vandal Savage. So make that two things standing in their way!

It looks like Vandal Savage and Jason Blood had a bit of a falling out. Madame Xanadu no doubt took part in the shenanigans as well. And since Blood is immortal while linked to Etrigan, Savage is able to torture him as much as it pleases him. And Jason Blood is helpless to fight back for some reason.

Oh. That's probably the problem.

Demon Knights #16 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm really surprised that DC found another talented writer! The only problem is he replaced a writer that was doing really good work on this book anyway! Ignoring the actual reasons that Paul Cornell left, it would have been nice if he'd stayed on here and Venditti took a book from DeFalco, Lobdell, or Nocenti! But as it stands, I'm glad he was put on this book instead of some hack or one of DC's editors or janitors or lawyers. I'm pleasantly surprised that a transition in writers went so smoothly. Even though Venditti is given a lot of latitude to change things up with the thirty years that passed between issues, he's remained true to the characters. I'm actually really optimistic for Constantine now! And I'm cautiously optimistic that the change in writers on Ravagers will mean good things for that punctuational disaster!