Cyborg #4

Interesting how Batman never gets torn to pieces the way characters like Cyborg, Robotman, and Red Tornado constantly do.

If you're supporting the American political party who thinks the problem in Washington, DC, is too much ethical oversight from independent sources, you might want to reconsider the things you've been lead to believe. I challenge any Republican to drop all of their usual news sources and simply get by for a week or two reading headlines from the Washington Post. Just the headlines! Then interpret that shit on your own, with your own values and beliefs, without any right-wing talking heads telling you how that shit doesn't actually mean the thing you just read. Previously, you'd have never read that headline anyway which made it even easier for the Fox News barfmonsters to convince you of their reality. People on the left are always being accused of being manipulated by the lamestream media but I guarantee a good percentage of liberal people don't even fucking care about the news. And yet every right wing anger bat who flutters into the face of anybody who espouses a liberal view to begin shrieking, "But what about Hillary! What about Hillary! What about Hillary!", slavishly sucks at the teat of Fox News and the snorefestival of right-wing radio hosts so much so that they all parrot the exact same responses.

At the very least, letting go of right-wing media outlets will ensure you'll be more entertained. Talk about unfunny! Even if I believed the things Rush or that square-headed guy on Fox said, I couldn't listen to them because they have a terrible sense of humor. Oh, Hannity! That's the square-headed guy! It's not surprising that they're not funny though because you need to be smart to be funny. And one thing right-wing talking heads are not is smart. Confident and smug and don't actually give a fuck about anything but their own bank account? Sure! But funny? Fucking hell no. There's this one shrieking harpy that's on early in the mornings after Clyde Lewis's Ground Zero on some right-wing radio station who thinks the height of hilarity is putting on a dumb person voice when she says things she pretends liberals say. At least the station managers understand that nobody wants to hear that shit so they stick her on past midnight.

The segue here is that American Democracy is becoming a nightmare, and in this comic book, Cyborg is currently having one.

Cyborg is battling the Justice League. He realizes it's a dream because they're battling on Mars and Batman isn't choking to death. Also, Wonder Woman's boobs are huge. Like, too huge. So big!

But fighting the Justice League isn't a good enough analogy for what's happening. He needs to come up with something more on the nose.

"I knew I was a complicated guy." What kind of a fucking fool actually says that about himself? Don't search my blog for that statement. I'm sure I've never said anything like it before ever.

Cyborg realizes the Justice League he's been fighting are actually malicious bits of software called Wyrmms. Gross. Cyborg has Wyrmms. Too bad for the Wyrmms, they can't just fuck up his programming. They have to actually fight a representation of Cyborg inside of Cyborg. Is that what Cyborg's firewall looks like? It's just a bunch of tiny Cyborgs?

In STAR Labs, an unconscious Cyborg is tearing the place apart. The only way to help Cyborg is to shut him down so they can remove the Wyrmms while he's inert.

Come on, Semper. You can't just be lobbing them over the plate like this. I'll never feel any satisfaction making a joke out of this!

Cyborg's journey through his mind allows him to recover a bunch of memories which make him feel human again. Apparently he's had his emotions locked away which is why he's felt more like a machine than a human. But he still doesn't find his penis. That's probably why he couldn't bring himself to remember that he and Sarah Charles were once madly in love. He blocked out her face in the memories because until he has a proper human penis instead of an attachment that substitutes for a White Noise Blaster, he isn't the man he knows she needs. What a tragic love affair! At least it's one I won't have to read the end of because I'm done with this comic book. I'm done with all Cyborg comic books forever and ever because not one has ever been interesting. He's a boring character who people have tried to make compelling but they're always doing overdone plots about robots versus humanity, and identity versus programming, and Daddy Issues versus football.

The Ranking!
No change! If I were to write a Cyborg comic book, I'd have him quit the Justice League because he's too often treated like a peripheral to the Justice League Watchtower computer. I'd have him move to Hollywood and go into porn. Then maybe his adventures would be a bit like Blue Devil but less goofy and more super duper sexy. Maybe his first plot would be dealing with both a human virus and a computer virus that work together to wreak havoc on his cybernetic body. I'd call the story "Robo-VD."

Constantine the Hellblazer #11

This is exactly the type of hedonistic deviltries I expect people in Hollywood to get up to.

The Review!
This version of Constantine has managed to retain the spirit of the character unlike the previous sanitized New 52 version which was just John getting into trouble with magic or demons and then John casting a dangerous spell with dire consequences to save the day and then never really having to deal with the dire consequences. It might not feel quite as gritty and dark as the Vertigo version but it's close enough that I'm really enjoying it. And besides, the main constant in Constantine's life is that every few years, he gets a new creative team to tell his stories. And this is a new team with an interesting take and conflicts that need more imaginative sorting than the ones found in the previous version.

The Commentary
This weekend, my seven year old niece wanted me to pick her up because she had a secret she wanted to tell me. When I picked her up, she said, "Will you carry me forever?" Some people may have been overwhelmed by the loving gesture but I instantly saw it as a moneymaking opportunity! I said, "Sure I can. If you pay me!" She said she had no money so I asked her how much her mother had. Long story short, my niece owes me a quarter next time I see her.

Here she is doing a better Lobo impression than Twat Lobo from The New 52.

Another thing that happened is people on Tumblr began reblogging my favorite X-men story joke but not understanding it was a joke because it was such a spot on parody of the mess the X-men have become thanks to decades of loony time travel stories. This is what I said: "Favorite X-men story: the X-men time travel from the future to stop the time traveling X-men of the past from time traveling into the future to stop the future time travelers from time traveling." It turns out this must fairly accurately describe some New X-Men story arc that I've never read because people keep tagging it with New X-men notes and defending Hank McCoy's decision to...I don't know! Fuck up continuity?! Other people have reblogged it thinking it really is an example of somebody's favorite story arc because they agree with it and think it's awesome. I am left with the conclusion that people are far too earnest than they probably think they are. My story idea is obviously nonsense! Although if it's an accurate representation of a story that happened in the X-men universe then fuck the X-men universe because that shit is shit. Which it must be because somebody replied to my joke with this: "In the end, retconning the story and making it seem like nothing happened." I shouldn't be so surprised that I can make such an educated guess as to the stories of the X-men even though I haven't read one since Grant Morrison and Josh Whedon were writing for the series because I am, after all, a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader.

To be fair, it's not like I can check all of the tags people add to every reblog. I should be earnest enough to believe that everybody gets it's a joke and stop being overly cynical about every single fucking thing that ever happens in this universe. I also should have made my niece sign an IOU.

To be more fair, one person tagged the post "No Joke". No, actually it was a joke. It was a fucking joke! It isn't actually my favorite story nor did I realize such a story seems to actually exist! I can't tell what is real anymore!

Anyway, Constantine is currently in L.A. instead of New York so that he can bitch about how people like to point out the differences between the two places. He says people who compare the two are missing the point and then begins shitting all over Los Angeles because he thinks they think they're better than everybody else. Which is probably true. But it isn't any less true about New Yorkers, so why even bring it up?

This guy's night just got interesting!

The party is being hosted by the angel Gabriel. Get it? Because it's the city of angels! Is that the real difference between New York and Los Angeles? One is full of demons and the damned and the other is full of angels and shit?

Gabriel is the guardian angel of Hollywood making sure that the entertainment industry doesn't get taken over by all those filthy demons from New York. That sounds like it could be an anti-Semitic allegory! Although if it is, it doesn't make any sense because the Jews already own Hollywood which would mean Gabriel totally fucked up his job.

Constantine has come to Gabriel for help against Neron. Oh yeah! I forgot that there was an actual story lurking in the shadows here. Constantine's argument for Gabriel's help is that if New York is taken over by Neron, all of the seedy magicians and their annoying familiars are going to flood into Los Angeles. I happen to think a good amount of them would wind up in Portland because why not? Every other loser who believes they have an ounce of creativity has found their way here.

It's possible I just insulted myself in the last sentence of the previous paragraph.

Ugh! No! I just said...NO, DAMMIT! ENOUGH!

Gabriel says he won't help so Constantine decides to just fuck off. Let somebody else deal with it. He's just going to go get drunk. The problem with that is Constantine can never just fuck off. Something always pulls him back in. And this time, it'll probably be Oliver. Or drugs. Maybe some hot sex. Alcohol? Could wind up being anything, really.

I forgot Deadman was on the cover so it surprises me when Boston Brand becomes the thing trying to pull Constantine back to New York. Although John swears he's still working with the angels even though Gabriel politely declined to help. He probably put something in the smoke he kept breathing into Gabriel's face that will cause Gabriel some kind of mystic discomfort which only John can cure and he'll only cure it if Gabriel helps. That sounds like a Constantine plan.

Eventually, Deadman just possesses John and drags him back to New York against his will. On the flight, John manages to banish Deadman but since John's stuck in New York overnight now, he decides to head home to his own bed. That's where he discovers Oliver who explains that his daughters have been taken to Hell. Whoops!

Convergence: Supergirl Matrix #2

Best cover since The New 52 began!

My elementary school friend Philip Newby introduced me to Ambush Bug. He also introduced me to Monty Python, Bloom County, and The Young Ones. He was the first person, in fifth or sixth grade, who I ever sincerely apologized to of my own volition. He went on to be an actor in Los Angeles. I'm not sure he was ever in anything that anybody reading my blog would have seen except for one episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Way back when I was still getting the DVDs by mail through Netflix, I watched the first few seasons of the show. My jaw hit the floor when I saw him in the show. It was the one where they go to some football game and spend the entire time in the parking lot. He's credited as Nebbish Guy.

Phil was the first guy I ever knew who always seemed to know exactly what he wanted. He had no fear. He's gone now. Killed himself some years back. I mention him because some things will forever remind me of Phil and Ambush Bug is one of them.

This comic book is probably about to get pretty silly so I needed to weight it heavily on the front end.

This issue begins with a date: circa 1994! Gods and Demonic Hellfire bless Keith Giffen! I suppose I could have just looked up Zero Hour on Wikipedia to figure out the date myself. But I like when comic book writers fearlessly flaunt possibly continuity flaws in the face by planting flags in the...sorry. I lost the train of that metaphor. Anyway, Keith did say "circa" so his ass is covered if any Continuity Nerds want to bust his chops.

Green and Silver are killing this shit. Hi-Fi too although I suspect Hi-Fi is a robot and I probably shouldn't be complimenting robots. They'll get all uppity and then WHAMMO! Skynet!

Judging by Ambush Bug's suitcase at the end of last issue, he and Cheeks have been traveling among the domes for the last year. Supergirl's trying to get the lowdown on the layout of the lowlands from this layabout.

I'm glad I'm not playing the Keith Giffen Drinking and Eating Cookies Game this issue because I've laughed out loud more times than the pages I've read. I've read two so far! I might be drunk by now! And my teeth would be caked with Oreos!

Now I have to go hunt down the other 122 issues of Humiliating Romance!

Because Supergirl smells like spackle and she seemingly wants Ambush Bug's teeth, Ambush Bug buggers out of there. Now I guess I have to read through a number of pages not starring Ambush Bug! What a rip off.

Okay, maybe she doesn't smell like spackle. But I'm positive she wanted Ambush Bug's teeth.

Ambush Bug winds up in a bar in Kamandi's New York telling an anthropomorphic mouse that he banged Supergirl. I think it's okay to lie about your sexual conquests if you're talking about people from another dimension. I mean, I absolutely had sex with Heathers era Winona Ryder three universes and two timelines over. It ruined her career because I was so good at the doing it. And by "so good," I mean I was super quick. It takes a real pro to sex it up lightning fast! Those guys who do it for hours obviously don't know what they're doing. They don't even know whose thingy you're supposed to stick wherever. But I totally know. Alternate Dimension Winona Ryder showed me! And I'm pretty sure sex is the same in this dimension as in that dimension. She was all, "Oh! Oh! Let me stick my girl doo-dad in your guy pee pot!" And she totally did. Lots of times. It felt the way really awesome doing it feels. You know that feeling! So good!

I should probably stop describing my doing it exploits before you think I'm trying too hard and begin doubting that I've ever done it. You shouldn't doubt it at all because I've done it up lots of times. All the way up and all the way down and all over town and under the table in my living room too! That's where people sometimes do it when they claim they're not virgins anymore. Also all over town. And outside under the full, full moon. I'm so unvirginized, you wouldn't believe.

Supergirl hunts down Ambush Bug to drag back to Lex so he'll stop treating her like garbage. But seeing that he's Lex Luthor, that's probably a pipe dream.

Lady Quark hunts down Supergirl because she still thinks she can save her city. Spoiler: it's already been destroyed by Parallax! Ha ha!

Ambush Bug is scared off by Lady Quark but not before he helps calm her down by confusing her. Supergirl explains to Lady Quark that Ambush Bug's teleportation technology is needed to return the cities to their original universes. And since Lady Quark doesn't yet know that her city is already doomed, she teams up with Supergirl in an attempt to save everybody. I hope it's Ambush Bug's technology that allows the planet to enter The New 52! He needs to be the hero of Convergence!

Ambush Bug heads to thirtieth century Metropolis to try out for the Legion of Super-heroes. Hell, if he doesn't mind changing his name to Ambush Lass, he's a lock for the team! His teleportation power is better than half of the Legion's powers. And that makes him better than like 50,000 Legionnaires!

I wonder if Matter Eater Lad ever worked in gay porn.

Ambush Bug and Supergirl wind up in Futures End New York where Ambush Bug isn't even wanted for conversion. That's probably because Brother Eye doesn't understand whimsy. He knows Ambush Bug would defeat him with pure, unadulterated silliness. I know a lot of people (many of them comic book readers!) who would agree with Brother Eye. Some people would read the list of things Philip Newby introduced me to and believe I'd have been better off not knowing him. To those people, I say, "Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea!"

Eventually, they all return to Supergirl's Metropolis where it looks like the battle might pick up where it left off before Ambush Bug arrived.

If we'd been playing the Keith Giffen Drinking Game, we'd be drunk on just the repeated spackle joke alone.

Before Lady Quark and Supergirl can finish their fight, Lex Luthor arrives to belittle Supergirl for the final time. Final because she kills him before getting back to her battle against Lady Quark. And Ambush Bug picks up his suitcases and walks off into the sunset. Probably because he's not going to be allowed back in The New 52.

Convergence: Supergirl Matrix #2 Rating: Even though Cheeks the Toy Wonder didn't make an appearance in this issue, it rates 9 Cheeks out of Ten. That's because it was actually entertaining as opposed to so many of these other Convergence comic books that have barely been worth my time.

Divergence: Bat-Mite
"Convinced that he's the imp that put Batman on the map, Bat-Mite is eager to boost the careers of heroes he thinks need his 'help'!"

I'm a little disappointed that Bat-Mite is being written by Dan Jurgens because he'll probably just repeat a bunch of jokes from the eighties like "Television watches you" and "something about a weasal buuuuuuuud-dee! *weasal noises*" Or whatever.

In the Sneak Peek, Batman meets Bat-Mite for the first time. And he doesn't like him. I'm not sure I like him either. I don't think Dan Jurgens has the comedy chops to pull this off. I could see this working if Dan turns Bat-Mite into the Don Rickles of the DC Universe (you kids can look him up on Wikilearnstuff). Bat-Mite is off to bug other heroes besides Batman and it seems like, with his "meta-analysis of Batman, he'll have the ability to comment on the fandom's issues with each of the heroes. If Dan Jurgens can be critical enough and a bit mean-spirited when it comes to critiquing what other writers and artists are doing wrong, Bat-Mite could be a wonderful comic book! But I know that would go against the spirit of feigned comradery at DC Comics! It's probably against the unspoken rules to mention how horrible Ann Nocenti is at writing Catwoman. Although remember when Jeff Lemire, Scott Snyder, Yanick Paquette, and Steve Pugh were doing Rotworld? Remember how they turned all the comic book heroes that were currently being written terribly into all the decaying, disgusting Rotworld "heroes"? That was some divinely subtle commentary, that. And maybe a little playful poking. It's hard to say.

Anyway, if Bat-Mite were just over the line of being mean-spirited, it would be right up my alley! I just don't think Jurgens is going to be successful with it.

This is the final Supergirl's bum for quite some time! Let's hope she gets a new series when the television show begins.

Convergence: Supergirl: Matrix #1

This issue should be called "Supergirl: Bum #1".

One of the reasons I can't stand lawmakers (as opposed to how I like everybody else so much) is how they spring to action to create a new law for public safety whenever anybody dies or gets hurt. But they only do it to make it look like they're doing something positive instead of merely sitting in a domed building collecting money from lobbyists to create fucked up laws that nobody ever hears about. They don't want people to know about those laws but if they spend all their time making those laws, it looks like they're slacker politicians that spent their term playing Angry Birds. So up here in Oregon quite a few years back (there are other more recent examples but I want to go with this one!), a police officer was killed on the side of the highway while performing a traffic stop when a car veered off the highway and hit him. So law makers rushed to create a law that said drivers have to move to the left and clear the lane by the shoulder if a traffic stop is taking place. The only problem with this stupid fucking law is that it wouldn't have saved the police officer's life in the accident that prompted the law because the kid that hit him fell asleep at the wheel. But the politician who came up with it got to stand around proudly proving that they were committed to the safety of the public! Or at least public servants. Plus it was a nice stupid fucking law that could probably raise some revenue through ticketing.

Lawmakers also tend to make laws that actually do the opposite of public safety. I would argue that laws proclaiming that pedestrians always have the right of way makes crossing the street more dangerous. People are stubborn and careless with their lives when they know they're in the right. Here's how to make everybody safer on the streets: tell them their lives are in their own hands and allow everybody to build up their cars like the cars in Road Warrior. Then turn traffic court into Thunderdome.

Goddammit. I actually had real points to make and then I couldn't stay serious. I should go into politics just to see if I could get the Mad Max Bill passed!

This comic book was written by Keith Giffen so should we set up the Supergirl Version of the Keith Giffen Drinking and Eating Cookies Game (last seen in Threshold #8)? If you want the game to be wholesome family fun, you can choose to drink milk. Let me remind you of the rules!

1. Whenever a character says “literally”, you have to take a shot. If they use it correctly (very rare!), you get to eat a cookie instead!
2. Whenever a character defies another character (without violence), drink.
3. Whenever a character acts rationally and engages in normal conversation when confronted with defiance or potential violence, eat a cookie!
4. Drink every time somebody is punched or kicked or hit with electricity.
5. Eat a cookie every time something is annotated.
6. Finish your drink whenever a character dies. Or thinks they've died. Or comments about how they're going to die. Finish everybody's drink if the character is Blue Beetle or Booster Gold.
7. Eat a cookie every time Keith Giffen writes a meta-textual statement.
8. Drink after every time you turn a page.
9. Drink every time the panel layout looks like the opening to the Brady Bunch. Although this is more of a Keith Giffen as artist rule.
10. Take a dainty sip of alcohol and a tiny bite of a cookie whenever Supergirl's bum makes an appearance. Okay, this doesn't have anything to do with Giffen but look at that cute bum!
11. Drink whenever Batman makes an appearance (mandatory rule for all DC Comics Drinking Games).
12. Two drinks if Lady Quark and Lord Volt bicker.
13. Eat a cookie and take a drink whenever a joke is repeated. If you remember the joke from a previous Keith Giffen comic book, write a letter of complaint to DC Comics.
14. Finish your drink if Planet Brainiac mentions a convergence!
15. Drink if Supergirl punches somebody before asking their name; eat a cookie of Supergirl is punched while asking the other person their name.
16. Drink and eat a cookie if you have to read some dialogue more than once to get the gist of what they're saying.
17. Down three shots if Supergirl and Lady Quark kiss.
18. Finish your drink with a cookie in your mouth if one of Giffen's jokes actually makes you laugh out loud (Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea is not responsible if you choke like an idiot).
19. Eat a cookie every time a female character does a Boob/Butt Showcase (if the character is Supergirl, remember Rule #10!). Drink a beer every time a male character does.
20. Finish a six pack if Ambush Bug somehow makes an appearance in this comic book.

I don't know if I'm going to remember all of these rules as I read the comic book because I just made most of them up. At least when I made up the rules for the Threshold Drinking Game, I had seven previous issues to know exactly what Giffen loved doing with the characters in that comic book. But he's still Giffen so I have a feeling most of the rules have a pretty good chance of taking place. Except the Ambush Bug one and the one where one of Giffen's jokes makes me laugh.

Uh oh! Get your cookies and drinks ready!

Eat four cookies for the four annotations even though two of them are commenting on the same bit of text. I think the title of the comic, "Who the Hell is Lord Volt?", qualifies as a meta-textual comment, wouldn't you? Eat up! Take a dainty sip and tiny bite because Supergirl's fantastic bum is totally right there in your face. I think you should eat one cookie for Supergirl's Boob/Butt Showcase and throw a cookie against the wall for Lady Quark's horribly aborted attempt at one. Also, is her costume painted on her? And I'm going to have to finish my drink with a cookie in my mouth because the title did make me laugh. Dammit.

Take a drink because we're turning to page 2!

Supergirl meets up with Lex Luthor pouting in the park. Since he has red hair and isn't bald, I'm guessing this is the Junior Alexander Luthor variety. I think he's depressed because Superman was away on business when Metropolis was taken away. Now he has nobody to try to kill. Nothing worthy of drinking or eating cookies happens on pages 2 and 3, so drink again as we turn the page.

On Page 4, Brainiac makes the Multiversal Thunderdome announcement but skips the line about a Convergence, so it's a missed opportunity to finish your drink. If you're thirsty, you can say "Bugger all!" to the rules and just drink whenever you want, you know. I prefer anarchy anyway.

Turning to Page 5 so take a drink!

The dome recedes and Supergirl gets her powers back. Although I guess she retained her natural, protoplasmic ability to look like Supergirl or else she would have spent the last year in a Petri dish. Thanks to the advertisements, we're now turning the page again to Page 6! Drunk! I mean drink!

Luthor, while being a complete dick to Supergirl, mentions how much he hates when people say, "Look! Up in the sky!" I think that qualifies as a meta-textual comment. Eat a cookie!

I don't know if this qualifies as Rule #16 but I reread it a few times before realizing I'm not meant to understand exactly what Supergirl is talking about yet. So eat and drink. Or not. Whatever!

Turning the page! I've lost count of the number! Drinks!

On the page I can't remember, Lady Quark and Lord Volt make their first appearance. And even though I've never read a comic book where Keith Giffen has written these two characters, they pull off Rule #12 about...let me count the panels...five times! Possibly more! I don't know if this is all one big bicker or several bickers across time!

I'm not sure Giffen knows how to write dialogue that isn't complete bickering. If I had made the rule any time any two characters bicker, we'd all be dead by now. And fifty pounds heavier.

Turning another page! Drink up, sluts!

This is the page where the confrontation happens! Lord Volt threatens Supergirl but Lady Quark doesn't approve of the way he does it and they begin to bicker for the rest of the page while ignoring Supergirl. I think the page has five completely separate topics about which they bicker. So that's ten drinks!

Plus a dainty mini-meal! Rule #10 is the best! Okay, turn the page! I said turn the page! I said...get your hand out of your pants! Jesus!

I can't be completely sure that Giffen is repeating jokes from other comic books but I have a feeling he's just writing Blue Beetle and Booster Gold and told Timothy Green II to draw them as Lady Quark and Lord Volt. So you should probably write a letter to DC Comics. I don't know what their new West Coast address is though!

Lady Quark calls Lord Volt gay and Lord Volt mentions how black that kettle is and then Supergirl is all, "Y'all are both so very, very gay!" Then Lady Quark and Lord Volt are all, "Look who's talking!" And Supergirl is all, "I'm a protoplasmic ball of organic slime! I have children by fission! Which is probably what Luthor was hinting at back there when he was talking about a spurt of children!"

Look, this comic book is just one long bickerfest. Just finish all the alcohol you have in the house. Plus a bite of cookie because that bum!

After Lord Volt says that "There you go again" line, Lady Quark hits him with an electric bolt. That's a drink. When she does that, she doesn't go into a Boob/Butt Showcase exactly but she definitely develops the waist of an Escher Girl.

That costume is definitely painted on.

Supergirl flies off to mess with the gadget Luthor gave her and to let Lady Quark and Lord Volt fight it out. While she does, I need to catch up on my drinking after all that bickering. I should probably just finish the huge bottle of sake in the fridge. Be right back!

GLUG GLUG GLUG GLUG!

Okay! Now I'm ready to fake being drunk!

Lady Gaga and Lord Voldemort catch up to Superbum and say, "You and us and me are going to battle, you got that, tits?" And Tits is all, "I have the things to do that don't involve the punching and the kicking and the electric bolt blasting." Then the beards bicker for awhile. Then they turn back to Supergirl and go, "No. We must fight now. It's in the contract, see?" So Supergirl is all, "Okay!"

But then after agreeing to fight, Lord Volt is all, "Wait! What?! She wants to fight Lord Volt?!" And Lady Quark is all, "More like Lord Homo!" And he's all, "Oh, that's nice coming from Lady Queer!" And the readers are all, "Jesus Christ, Tess! What the fuck?" And Tess is all, "Are you fucking reading this comic book? I'm only slightly fucking paraphrasing this shit!" And the readers are all, "That's no excuse!" And Tess is all, "Stop picking on me! I have feelings too!" And the readers are all, "Oh, so you can dish it out but you can't take it?" And Tess who is me is all, "I'm going to quit if I'm criticized!" And Scott Lobdell is all, "Welcome to the club!" And I'm all, "I wish you'd quit!" And Lobdell is all, "Hashtag I love cookies and Hashtag drink up and Hashtag hashtag abuse!" And then everybody has to drink a bunch more because of this:

"Hi! My name is Supergirl! Pleased to meet you!"

Too bad we're all out of alcohol and cookies by this point because here's some more confusing conversation! And it's not confusing for the usual reasons that Giffen's dialogue is confusing! I think.

Supergirl's bum kind of makes an appearance! Masturbate! I mean, drink and eat! Daintily!

Holy shit my stomach hurts. And not from laughing, Mister Giffen! After Supergirl throws Lady Quark into the street using her telekinesis, her device begins meeping again. That's when Supergirl says, "You're alive! Anthropomorphically speaking!" And the "anthropomorphically" is annotated because who doesn't learn what that means in third grade? And it isn't annotated with a helpful definition (because Giffen knows people already know what it means), it's annotated with an aggressive note to the reader! Sheesh! I didn't pay four dollars to be yelled at! Go fuck yourself, DC Comics!

Supergirl finally gets fed up with the device Lex gave her. A device that's supposed to look for the machinery capable of teleporting Metropolis to another planet. So when it finally started working and Supergirl began following it, I completely forgot to remember that there is one person in the DC Universe that loves Metropolis and also teleports.

I know I told you to drink all of your alcohol but who knew this would actually happen?! I sure as hell fucking didn't when I made Rule #20! Go out and buy a six pack and drink the fuck up, motherfuckers! Ambush Bug is back, baby!

Convergence: Supergirl: Matrix #1 Rating: Holy shit! Not only is Ambush Bug back but Cheeks the Toy Wonder as well! I was preparing to photoshop Ambush Bug into the last page of this comic book to declare that everybody get drunk and then he actually appeared! I'm so elated! Moments like this are what makes successfully avoiding spoilers so satisfying. I hope Ambush Bug becomes an important player in saving all of the cities! And with Cheeks back, I should actually pitch my Cheeks the Toy Wonder comic book idea to DC Comics! Although I might have to publicly apologize to all the employees of DC Comics if they're ever going to consider hiring me to do anything. I don't even think they'd hire me to mop floors at this point! Although, seriously, what are the chances they even know this site exists?!

Justice League United #5

What use are gloves like those?!

Now that Judas has moved from my comic book boxes to a hole in the backyard, I was finally able to put away about six months worth of comic books! I had to buy two new short boxes and I still didn't have enough room to organize all of the comic books I've purchased since The New 52 began. I believe I've filled nearly ten short boxes, not accounting for the extra space I've left in the six boxes that currently contain the continuing titles. My Marvel comics are in a pile waiting for a new box as are all the comic books I've purchased that aren't part of the New 52 and all of the Futures End September One Shots. That's a lot of shitty reading I've had to endure!

Oh, okay! I'll admit that it wasn't all shitty reading! Mostly because I don't want all the New 52 haters to think I'm on their side. As if DC had been shitting gold and frankincense before The New 52 and everything was all newborn messiahs and salvation! Although I do think DC has lost sight of what will truly keep their comic books fresh and interesting: the writers. They seem to not mind keeping shitty writers on staff while letting some of the best writers go sign up exclusively with Marvel. I bet Marvel has less editorial interference! That's probably why they have to constantly explain continuity issues with clones. Although is it better to have a universe riddled with clones or to have a universe that keeps exploding into a brand new universe? That's a philosophical question that isn't meant to have an answer! Like why are nice guys never actually nice, or why are men that think they're smarter than women always angry, virgin monsters that nobody can stand to listen to? And why won't women give them a chance?

I don't have any more unanswerable questions because those two probably already got me in enough trouble with my reading base as it is. How are things going, nice guys? You guys sure are nice!

I bet I actually have more female readers than male readers because, truth of the matter (my truth, anyway!), I don't think I've clearly stated my position on hating women in a way that loathsome male comic book fans can understand. Probably because I don't hate women but I don't want them to know that I don't hate women because then I'd lose a bunch of readers! And I'll say anything not to lose readers!

If anything I said previously makes you want to stop reading, I'm sorry I said it and I totally didn't mean it and I actually meant the complete opposite!

Look at that thigh gap on Stargirl!

This whole thigh gap thing is so out of control. I have a feeling that the thigh gap is going to be something so cherished and expected by Millennials that they're going to create devices that will deform and mutilate their daughters as they grow to force a thigh gap on them. Like binding feet in China! Hmm. If it's something that's probably going to happen anyway, maybe I should invent the device! And sell it to Suzanne Somers to sell during syndicated television programs! "The Thighgapper! Don't mind the screams of your dearest child! That only indicates she's going to be hot!"

It looks like Justice League United has their first mission! Destroy the Canadian Wampa: the White Dago! Those First Nations people are racist!

Also Justice League United has their second mission: locate Hawkman's corpse! For some reason, Hawkman and Green Arrow are still using their JLA Beepers and Green Arrow has received a warning that Hawkman's corpse is in trouble. For some reason, Justice League America was still using beeper technology.

Martian Manhunter splits the team into two groups. Green Arrow, Animal Man, Stargirl, and Supergirl will go into space to find Hawkman's corpse because you always want the people that love to bicker with each other on the same team. In Canada, Alanna Strange, Mii, and Heather will hunt the Whitago. Martian Manhunter is stuck babysitting Ace Ultra. Unless he's going to help with the Yeti (which he probably should since I don't think Heather is really going to be much help unless they need photos of the encounter to put up on the Justice League United Instagram account).

I smell an 80s sitcom in the works! No, seriously though. Why did 80s sitcoms smell so bad?

Miiyahbin goes off to ask her Grandmother about this whole Keewhatin/Whitago business. Her grandmother pretends to tell her the truth but actually just tells her the plot to Star Wars.

Well, I guess it's time to strike down your father in anger!

Mii goes off to confront her father-monster to save Canada! Since it's winter, she has ice powers. I guess in spring she has flower powers and in summer she has heat powers and in fall she has lazy Sunday powers.

Mii meets the Whitago and defeats it by not being scared. It changes back into her father and he's all, "Really? That's it? That was the power of darkness? Why the fuck did I cross over to the bad side?! I thought I was going to be filled with all consuming power?! Stupid lying dark side!" Then he dissipates and floats away to join his ghostly relatives and friends so they can stand around watching the Ewoks party.

Meanwhile, Martian Manhunter teaches one week old Ultra how to speak while babysitting him. That's some babysitter! But then, as usually happens in a story about babysitting but rarely ever happens in actual real babysitting, a man from the future crashes through the ceiling claiming that the baby has to die or one of an infinite amount of futures will be destroyed. Who fucking cares? What's so special about your future, Mon-el?! Get the fuck out and stop trying to wipe out infinity minus one futures by killing Ace Ultra! Selfish prick.

Justice League United #5 Rating: Goddammit! I thought the Legion of Super-heroes were wiped out of existence! No fair that they get to continue to exist in a possible future to come back in time to ensure that their possible future winds up existing! How about billions of other sentient creatures suddenly appear to try to save their futures which Mon-el is going to wipe out?! How about that, Jeff Lemire?! Oh, I forgot to give a ranking because I was so upset! Um, how about -2 Rankings simply because of the stupid time travel story that's about to begin? Also, it might not be stupid but I'm just playing the odds!

Threshold The Drinking Game #8

Who cares about Caul? There's a space cupcake shop nearby!

What a surprise! Threshold, DC's next attempt at a War Comic (science fiction but still their war comic!) only made it eight issues! Just like Men of War. And Just like G.I. Combat. Although this series was actually good while the other war comics were just awful. I'm glad DC keeps trying but they've got to figure out how to sell non-Batman comic books already. And I think I know how! Here's what you do, DC: kill off Batman. Just kill him off. Then hint around that Bruce Wayne is actually undercover as a different super hero in the DC Universe! And the cover of every comic book after killing off Batman should read, "Is this really Bruce Wayne?!" And then have Bruce Wayne in a Catwoman suit looking sexy or wearing Superman's cape and diving off of a building. People will go mad trying to figure out who is now Bruce Wayne!

Although what will actually happen is that all the Batman fans will simply stop reading and proclaim that DC sucks and has always sucked. So actually, I don't have any ideas about how to sell more comics. DC, I suppose your solution is as good as it gets: just put Batman and Superman in every single comic book.

Batman and Superman aren't in this comic book. So you can move along to one that does now. But I have to read it. It's, like, mandatory and shit.

Last issue I believed that Jediah Caul, Green Lantern, was teleported to Lady Styx for some diplomatic business. But instead he's ended up in the Office for Intergalactic Visas battling a mob of bureaucrats.

Uh oh. I'm pretty sure she's from HR. Or the equivalent since these aren't exactly humans.

You know, I only write these commentaries so I can reread them when a new issue of the comic comes up and catch up quickly on what was happening previously. But since this is the final issue of Threshold, I don't have to write a commentary about it! Yay! We should all just get drunk instead! Yay! Or eat a lot of cookies if you're not into getting drunk. I guess it depends on which you'd rather deal with: a hangover or twenty extra pounds? Fuck it! Let's get drunk AND eat cookies!

Let's just turn this comic book into a drinking game, okay? Let me make up some rules. How about twenty of them?

1. Whenever a character says "literally", you have to take a shot. If they use it correctly (very rare!), you get to eat a cookie instead!
2. Whenever a character defies another character (without violence), drink.
3. Whenever a character acts rationally and engages in normal conversation when confronted with defiance or potential violence, eat a cookie!
4. Drink every time somebody is punched or kicked or hit with a light construct.
5. Eat a cookie every time a light construct is used in a helpful manner, like to save lives or fix a tea pot.
6. Finish your drink whenever a character dies.
7. Eat a cookie every time Keith Giffen writes a meta-textual statement.
8. Drink after every time you turn a page.
9. Finish your drink if Captain K'rot's leg kidnapper is revealed.
10. Eat three cookies if Lonar calls his motorcycle, "Thunderer."
11. Drink whenever Batman makes an appearance.
12. Two drinks when Star Hawkins' robot assistant insults him.
13. Eat a cookie if Ember kisses somebody.
14. Finish your drink if The Hunted game show is cancelled.
15. Drink if Captain K'rot's Raccoon lady friend makes another appearance; eat a cookie of Captain K'rot's friend Pig Iron returns.
16. Drink and eat a cookie if Adonis is still alive.
17. Down three shots if Blue Beetle is returned to Earth.
18. Finish your drink if T'morra's bartender betrays the rebellion.
19. Eat a cookie every time Stealth is in a panel and not using her power.
20. Drink every time Stealth is in a panel and using her power. Finish a full beer if this never happens by the end of the comic.

I think I've covered most of what might happen! Now I'll just scan in the pictures which match one of the rules! Everybody ready? Let's go!

I'm calling five drinks on Page One due to violation of Rule #4! At least five bureaucrats are involved in the fracas with Jediah, so they're either pummeling or being pummeled.

Drink because we're turning to Page Two (Rule #8)! Oh man. I hope nobody decided to start out with Tequila because the first panel on Page Two is going to fuck you up.

Nine people hit with a light construct! Drink nine times thanks to Rule #4!

The next few panels are the ones I initially scanned. I think those call for eating a cookie because the Human Resources Manager calms the violence by being rational (Rule #3). It was about time to eat a cookie anyway!

Page Three sees quite a few violations of Rule #2 thanks to Caul acting like a typical Green Lantern and thinking nobody has any authority over them except maybe the stupid Oans.

Two drinks for two acts of defiance by Caul (Rule #2) and one drink for Lady HR's deescalation with her mind powers (Rule #3. I think mind powers can be considered being rational).

Turning to Page Four, so take a drink (Rule #8)! Oh, but first take a drink because of Batman's appearance on the inside cover (Rule #11). I almost missed that one!

Page Four has five panels with Stealth not using her powers, so eat five cookies (Rule #19)! And be sure to wash them down with a drink because we're turning to Page Five now (Rule #8). I'm not counting advertisements as story pages. But they will count for Batman appearances!.

Whoa. Page Five is a bit crazy. Let me scan it in and we'll tally up what happens and maybe make a couple of judgment calls.

Remember how I compared this place to Cheers last commentary? Well, it's time to break down the set!

Holy shit. This page alone makes it look like I already read this comic before making my rules because it's a fucking guzzlefest. First off, eat a cookie for the first panel's meta-text commentary on the cancellation (Rule #7)! Second, I think we can call this as the bartender betraying the Rebellion since she was working with The Hunted game show by running this Hunted Set so finish your drink (Rule #18). Now be sure to get another completely full drink and finish it because The Hunted game show has been cancelled (Rule #14). Eat one more cookie because Stealth appears on panel without using her power (Rule #19). I think that's everything! Be sure to get another drink ready because we're turning to Page Six now (Rule #8).

Don't listen to the Bartender/Actress! Rules are not made to be broken! Stop trying to skip eating cookies and drinking drinks just because you're getting slammed by this game!

Page Six gives us a bit of relief from drinking. But we do need to eat three cookies due to two appearances by Stealth (Rule #19) and one metatextual comment about "Mysteries in Space" (Rule #7). See, Mysteries in Space is another old DC Anthology Title which this guy is going to go star in. That wasn't meant to be patronizing for all y'all who already knew that. I just figured some people might be wondering why they were eating that third cookie! Although who really needs a fucking reason to eat a third cookie?

Take a drink because we're moving on to Page Seven (Rule #8)!

I think this counts as defiance! Rule #2! Drink up, bitches!

It's a good thing it's five in the morning and I couldn't purchase any alcohol before reading this or I might be on the floor by now puking up Oreos.

Turning to Page Eight, drink up (Rule #8)! This page turning rule is just one of those arbitrary rules in a drinking game that simply allows everybody to drink because why are you playing a drinking game if you don't want to drink at all anyway?

Caul gets his back healed by an Omnidoc on Page Eight so he doesn't have to use his Green Lantern Brace anymore. If he'd made that brace during this issue, it would have been time to eat a cookie thanks to Rule #5! As Caul is led by Lady HR to get some answers about why The Hunted is ending, they pass by a scene that deserves one cookie for Rule #7 (meta-textual commentary) and three shots for sending Blue Beetle home (Rule #17).

Oh. I think a drink is in store for Caul's defiance as well (Rule #2).

Drinkity drink up because we're turning to Page Ten (Rule #8)! Caul is led into the Office of the person running The Hunted: T'morra! I still think this allows for the full drink judgment call on his bartender earlier. They were just in it together is all!

Just to be on the safe side, I think we should chug an entire drink with a couple of cookies crumbled into it in honor of Rule #7, Meta-textual commentary, simply based on the overall premise of this entire issue!

Turning to Page Twelve, so chug-a-lug (Rule #8). Just a little bit! One tiny drink! So maybe I used chug-a-lug incorrectly. It's not like I was ever sober enough to learn proper usage in situations when people were using it! Anyway, get your drinks and cookies ready for more!

So this is where Blue Beetle actually returns. Don't worry, you don't have to drink again. Unless you want to!

I suppose we'll count the above panel as four drinks thanks to Rule #4 (Punching and shit!) and one cookie thanks to Rule #7 (meta-textual narrative concerning the reasons for introducing Lonar and Blue Beetle into the title). And another drink as I turn to Page Thirteen (Rule #8). You know, we wouldn't need to drink so much if the advertisements were placed more strategically.

Three drinks thanks to Rule #4 and two cookies thanks to Rules #3 and #7! And another drink as I'm going to be turning to Page Fourteen after this caption (Rule #8).

On Page Fourteen and Fifteen, Caul and T'morra simply discuss job offers. T'morra "offers" Caul a job starring in a new show about an inspirational hero that always tries to do the right thing. Caul, the soon-to-be actor, already understands the job of an actor fairly well when he realizes he's simply going to be a "walking, talking, propaganda-spewing shill." You should probably eat some cookies here due to Rule #7. I don't know how many. Whatever you feel comfortable with. And a drink as we turn to Page Sixteen (Rule #8).

Fuck it. Just eat all of your Goddamned cookies.

Rule #7 probably doesn't matter anymore since I told you to eat all of your cookies. But on Page Seventeen, T'morra mentions Space Cabby and how he's disappeared from everyone's memories.

If you've actually been playing the Threshold Drinking Game, you probably won't remember this. Or you'll simply assumed you hallucinated it.

Caul decides to join up and star in the show. He's put in costume and sent off to appear in the pilot episode. But it doesn't turn out quite like he expected.

Whoops! Rule #6! Finish your alcohol! Game over!

T'morra's big fake out was that Caul would get a Glimmernet show and everybody would make a ton of money. Instead, T'morra films Caul being murdered to establish the premise of his Glimmernet Show:

Fuck. I've scanned way too many pages of this thing. I'll have to do the back-up story scanless and with no drinking!

The back-up story reveals that Star Hawkins was the one to kill Caul when he suddenly materialized in front of a panicked Hawkins. So Hawkins is the guy T'morra is hunting in his new show! It outta be pretty exciting whenever it gets published in Super Pretend Imagination Land!

Threshold #8 Rating: +10 Drunkenness. So Men of War failed. G.I. Combat failed. Threshold failed. Is Mystery in Space next? Or maybe Ghosts? I'm kind of hoping for House of Secrets.

Threshold #7

Yay! A new character this issue: Goon the Offensive!

Now I'm sad that I'm going to be reading a comic book called Threshold and not a comic book called Goon the Offensive. And now I'm mad at comic book companies in general for no longer allowing comic books to be about comic books. Comic Books are really just the bottom of the heap of the super hero intellectual property. It's all about movies and television and merchandising and the comic book must play the support role for those greater money making opportunities. Which means comic books become watered down, vanilla stories that won't take chances for fear of ruining the image of the characters. Although the comic books are exactly the place that companies should be taking risks and telling controversial and insane and crazy and psychedelic stories that stride boldly across the boundaries of the status quo.

Maybe those kinds of stories would just suck coming from a corporate entity anyway. Those things I just mentioned do exist in comic books, just not in DC or Marvel comic books. Although I haven't been paying attention to Marvel's "reboot" so I can't exactly say what's going on there right now. Anyway, thinking about a title called Goon the Offensive made me realize to what extent DC's comic book stories are truly limited.

The Hunted begins with Caul bemoaning his life as a Green Lantern. Nearby, Captain K'rot acts sympathetic. Not. You know what needs to come back? People appending "not" to the end of sentences! Not! Man, that's annoying! It confuses me that people continue to use it! In the 21st Century! I thought after the millennium, we would all agree to retire a few dozen things from humankind's cultural baggage. I figured high-fiving anybody older than two would be right out by now. I was also hoping that watching sports would have fully entered its ironic phase which would spell the end of it altogether in a few years. Except that's wrong too, isn't it? Because the actual cycle is people love something, then people hate on people loving that thing, then people begin to love that thing ironically, and then they all slip right back into actually loving that thing. And so we beat on, boats against the current, blah blah blah. If F. Scott Fitzgerald were here right now, I'd high-five him! Not!

God I hate myself.

Instead of words, here is a picture of a drunk, anthropomorphic space rabbit with a cybernetic leg.

Speaking of words, Threshold #7 is full of them! Jediah Caul continues his belly aching inside Narration Boxes after he charges his ring and grows back to normal size. He never wanted to be a hero and all that shit. So don't be a hero, Jediah! Be your own man! Don't feel shackled to the ring and the uniform just because it picked you! Fuck the Green Lantern image. It's not like they're currently respected anywhere in the galaxy right now anyway. I think most of the universe's population expect you to act like a selfish asshole at this point.

There you go! Good man!

Caul ends up thinking better of it and rescues the Collected Neighborhood to return it to Lady Styx. Fucking chump.

Back on Tolerance, The Hunted are living in fear, running for their lives, and fighting Hunt Clubs to the death!

Not?

According to the previous scene, the television show Cheers was an accurate portrayal of a life and death struggle of human prey being hunted by legalized murder clubs. I suppose Cheers is a microcosm of the cast of every single story every told when you gather them into a bar to relax away from whatever their true story is. Now that this revelation has suddenly descended upon me (although, really, how much of a revelation is it? The gathering of people in a non-space to tell stories is possibly the first story!), I wish Cheers had never had any episodes outside of the confines of the bar. Now I'm disappointed that they occasionally told stories in the character's apartments and other places.

Stealth realizes that T'morra may have had a good idea with the televising the underdogs and getting the audience to love them better than money. She returns to join the Rebellion. Perhaps seeing Ember shot in the head also convinced her. Although as she walks into the bar, she does a double take at Ember's double. And Ember decides to tell Stealth her story!

Oh wait. That's it? That was worse than an episode of Cheers! ... wait for it ... Not!

Oh! I forgot about "wait for it"! That's pretty annoying too!

Caul gets a personal call from Lady Styx assuring him he's free to come back to Tolerance with her bit of city. Although I think she may be using "free" loosely since she's pretty much telling him he has to bring the city to her personally. So it's that kind of freedom. Like when the cops tell you you're free to come with them to the station. Or the government tells you you're free to pay taxes. Or your sexual partner tells you you're free to fuck whomever you want to fuck.

How cute! Despero's little brother is a news anchor in the Tenebrian Dominion!

For the whoever is keeping records, I should make this statement: Ember has to be one of the best characters to come out of Threshold. Okay, now everything else is off the record! I'll deny ever saying any of it! Especially that bit that Jelyde1 tricked me into saying about the Suicide Squad needing to swallow Resurrection Man's semen if they want to survive contact with the Samsara Project!

Those of you that have no idea what I'm talking about don't read enough Disqus Comments!

Caul places the district back where it belongs although it doesn't quite fit the same way that it used to. He has no way to return it to its normal size but that point is moot anyway when Lady Styx transports him to meet up with her. That's just speculation on my part when he disappears. And although I'm no Batman, I'd like to believe I can follow a fucking comic book story without anybody holding my hand. Although it would be nice to have somebody holding my hand while I read it. Or my cock.

Jesus Christ! No wonder Google Ads denied doing business with my Blog! It's filled with smut! And blasphemy!

Meanwhile (wow! I think this is my first 'meanwhile' segue so far today!), Lonar and Blue Beetle are looking to get into the teeny tiny Tolerance District. I'm pretty sure it's because Lonar needs to get his space motorcycle, Thunderer, out of Adonis's Storage Cube. Lonar drops the disguise on Blue Beetle so that Lonar can sneak into the tiny district while the crowd attempt to murder the fuck out of Blue Beetle. His only seeming defense is to take up the Bottled City and use it as a hostage.

Inside the Tiny Town, Lonar BOOOM tubes in and kills Adonis for the Storage Sphere (yeah, yeah. I got the shape wrong earlier!). Or seems to kill Adonis. Slugs are pretty elastic when it comes to concepts like "death" and "eating ones own genitalia."

I miss Captain K'rot's kitten-raccoon hybrid female friend.

Star Hawkins continues to star in his back-up story this issue as he heads off to meet the first ever contestant of The Hunted, the woman behind The Crimson Thrust. I kind of forget why he's going to see her though. Oh! It's probably because he's on a case! He's a Private Investigator of the Stars! He's super famous.

Before I continue, let me say that Larfleeze #1 wasn't as funny as I was hoping. I sort of expected that extending Larfleeze from eight pages to twenty might make the joke wear a little thin. But I also think it was just a bit of those "not sure how to set up the comic" first issue kind of blues. Although the initial characterization of Larfleeze and his beginnings was nicely under-emphasized. We were introduced to a character that had a tragic life but now lies about the tragedy of it, even to himself. Anyway, what I was trying to say is this: Keith Giffen is fucking funny. He does funny well. This Star Hawkins short has some good laughs in it. And, as such, I think a lot of people who read Larfleeze #1 and were disappointed should really give it another shot. I have to stick with it because of this blog but I'd stick with it anyway because I trust Giffen to provide some really good laughs, even if Larfleeze #1 missed the mark somewhat. I wrote all that just to scan this next bit in because it's well funny. I think "well funny" is how they say "it made me smile a little bit" in that old Shakespearean language they continue to speak in London Town.

Not the biggest fan of not so much either. Not! Wait. How many "not"s is that? Am I saying I'm a fan or not?!

And the Legend Star Hawkins is looking for? Well, it turns out to be...wait a second. Are you sure you want to hear this? It'll completely ruin the surprise for when you go to the comic book shop and purchase a copy of this comic book which is cancelled anyway so what the fuck do I care if you continue to support it? Oh! I know why! DC might see the rise in numbers as a reason to put out a solo Ember comic book! Here, I'll give it to you in code so that if you don't want to know, accidentally seeing the name won't spoil it for you. I'll just randomize the letters in her name: Lady Styx.

You know, sometimes when you take a thing that goes in a certain order and randomize that thing, it still comes out in the normal order. That's true randomness! Besides, the two "y"s were switched around.

Threshold #7 Rating: +2 Ranking. It gets a +1 for both stories because I'm a fucking pushover for a tree girl and a nagging, disembodied robotic head. I've really been going easy on DC's comics lately! I might as well be receiving kickbacks for all the +1s I've been giving out!