Pandora #12

Why is there an interrobang after "death"? It's not like adding "death" to the end of the phrase "battle to the" is a surprise! Now if it were "battle to the orgasm," it might call for an interrobang.

Sometime during the last issue, Pandora had her regenerative powers negated by SHADE agent, Agent Kincaid (who is a werecrow (and a white woman (and a horrible person))). Then Vandal Savage arrived to take advantage of Pandora's sudden vulnerability.

This issue begins with Marcus Aurelius forgetting to say something really wise before he dies.

"Aaaargle baaarrrggle" isn't the most memorable final saying but I suppose it's hard to come up with anything good when your neck is broken.

Pandora tries to save him with some of her World Merging power. Unless the power she used was her Visiting Sad Places power. It could also have been her First Issue Cameo power. Whichever power she uses, she fails. But I think she's able to channel Marcus's actual last words in Runespeak! They're much better than "Aaaargle baaarrrggle"!

His very wise final words are these: "F yo eyes, punk!" So beautiful.

A battle ensues and for the first time since The New 52 began, I'm not enjoying Vandal Savage. He's been written so well in all of his other appearances and now he's just a douche teasing Pandora because she's sad about losing Marcus. Now, I don't think there's anything wrong with him teasing her because she's shown weakness. All weakness should be attacked and mocked. Why else would they teach that experience in high school if it wasn't an important value to our society? If it was a bad thing, teachers and other students would step in when someone is humiliated for showing any sign of weakness. So I'm not upset that Vandal is teaching Pandora that crying is for stupid jerks. I'm upset at the below par cleverness of his taunts. They're repetitive and weak. Somebody should come along and start hassling Vandal Savage for using such weak insults. That'll show him.

Oh. There we go! Nice one, Werecrow!

Agent Kincaid's one-liner might not seem that witty but it's fitting. She brings the whole love is weak thing back around and turns it on its head when she makes Vandal weak while expressing SHADE's love for him. It's a bit sloppy but I get the point! And now the playing field is even between Pandora and Vandal.

Once Vandal gets beat up a bit and is tossed from the top of the building, he begins to regain some of his devilish pomposity. Agent Kincaid and Pandora also fall from the building though, and they take it a lot worse than Vandal. I think his anger and his arrogance are what fuel his immortality and there isn't a creature on Earth that can battle against the force of his will.

I bet people think Vandal Savage would be a great lay after all his years and experience on Earth. But I bet he's the worst. He probably treats all intercourse as just another method of masturbation and satisfying his own needs.

Savage toys with Pandora a bit more before she repeats Marcus's last words and blinds him. Of course that only stalls him for a few seconds to allow Agent Kincaid to step in and threaten Pandora. Wait, what? What kind of stupid move is that?! Pandora is broken and dying and not a threat at all at this point! Yet Vandal Savage seems as strong as when the battle began. Point the gun at him, you stupid morphy!

Sorry! Sorry! I let my passion get the best of me. I apologize for using a shapeshifter slur. I don't know what got into me. I've never used the M-word before in my life! I know an apology isn't going to make up for all the shapeshifter's who had to read that word in print which caused them to...um, well, you know. Have hurt feelings? Be disgusted with me? Feel righteous indignation when they called me a typically disgusting one-shape? Make them weep uncontrollably because of a word in print? Well, I'm sure the shape-shifting community will feel good once they've tarred and feathered me in a public forum and ruined my life for the poor judgment I had in typing a single word. I totally deserve it.

Kincaid doesn't kill Pandora and Vandal Savage doesn't kill anyone because Giganta arrives to save her new best friend!

It's good to see a powerhouse like Giganta actually get to act like a powerhouse for once.

Giganta demands that Pandora be given back her regenerative powers or else Kincaid is going on a fantastic voyage, if you know what I'm saying! And if you don't, you probably just think I mean Giganta is going to throw her into the ocean like she did with Vandal, so it really doesn't matter because that's something, I guess.

Pandora #12 Rating: -5 Ranking. I don't know why this comic book is as high in my rankings as it is and so I'm fixing that right now. Especially since the art has been sub-par over the last couple of issues. At least I got to see Vandal Savage topless!

Pandora #11

Vandal Savage is going to be in this comic book and he didn't make the cover? I guess DC doesn't want to sell very many issues.

Hey Pandora! Are you completely embarrassed about how shitty your story has become? You were like the biggest big deal in The New 52 before this shit even began! You were all making cameo's in Flashpoint when the worlds merged and shit. People were all, "Whoa! Who the fuck is that woman?! What does she have to do with DC fucking up their shit?" And then you made an appearance in every single first issue of The New 52. All the fans were ruining their underwear with sexual juices of the female and male kinds (you know the kinds! The sexy kinds that happen for sex!) and screaming on the internet, "Who is this mysterious person?! What does she have to do with anything?!" Unless they weren't. It's probable that everybody already knew from the solicits and the big mouths at DC that it was Pandora and that she would be an integral part of Flashpoint and The New 52.

But where are you now, Pandora? Is your skull still going to be valuable?! Are you going to fix it and open it again and create the third weekly comic book, Multiversity? I'm not sure anybody else really cares what you do next. DC squandered your potential. They obviously decided the Trinity War wasn't going to work very well and opted for Forever Evil instead. It was a real amateur card trick they pulled there! A real magic boner!

Can you imagine a magic boner? It would be all twinkly and pigeons would fly out of it and then it would disappear only to reappear in a magic consensual vagina!

Last issue, Pandora got beat down hardcore by Giganta. It was thoroughly as entertaining as it sounds and possibly more so. This issue, hopefully she gets beat down hardercore by Vandal Savage. And hopefully it's thoroughlyier more entertaining than that sounds.

It looks like Agent Kincaid wants to do some beating down of her own. Hopefully she doesn't accidentally hit Vandal Savage!

SHADE doesn't want to kill Pandora anymore. I don't know why they wanted to kill her in the first place. I suppose they bought into the same hype that Agent Kincaid has recently purchased. She believes Pandora is the "mother of all evil" and that Forever Evil was her fault. I don't think it's right to continue blaming her for finding the Crime Syndicate's Portal Remote Control and accidentally pressing the open button. If it wasn't her, it would have been the next idiot to come along. Although she still might be to blame for Flashpoint and The New 52, so I suppose she should be killed just for that. Even if the evidence is entirely circumstantial and The Flash may be just as much at fault as Pandora. The amount of people who are still upset by The New 52 probably means somebody should be punished even if it's the wrong person. And if the person punished isn't Dan DiDio then it's almost certainly the wrong person.

This is the romantic part. It takes place after the action part and before the grim death match part. According to Hollywood, it is a necessary evil to keep females engaged in the plot.

After the romantic part, all hell breaks loose as Pandora is shot by the God Killer Gun and Vandal Savage tears into the parking lot in an ambulance and forgets how to open the door. It's always more exciting when doors, walls, and windows are abused by the characters.

What's the matter, Marcus Aurelius? No last words of wisdom?

Pandora battles Kincaid who turns out to be a Werecrow because SHADE Agents are all kinds of monsters. Kincaid is no match for Pandora in hand to hand combat but it doesn't really matter because Pandora's ability to regenerate has been neutralized by the God Killer Gun. That'll make Vandal Savage's job a bit easier.

Pandora previously told Kincaid she could cure her Werecrowism if Kincaid wanted and Kincaid responded, "Do I look like I want to be cured?" But Kincaid doesn't offer Pandora the same choice. Who's the real monster here, hunh? Oh yeah! It's probably the Werecrow.

And this is when Vandal Savage arrives for the beat downings. But it'll have to wait until next issue, dammit.

Pandora #11 Rating: -1 Ranking. That ranking is for the art. It looked fucking sloppy and flat this issue. Pandora's trenchcoat costume didn't even look like it's the best outfit in the DC Universe this issue. So disappointed.

Pandora #4

Pandora backwards is "A Rod Nap."

I have to believe there's a strip club out there somewhere called Pandora's Box. Probably one called The Golden Fleece as well. I think I'd have to go with Medea's Golden Chariot. When you're tucking in for a night of exploitation and boners, it's only proper to invoke the image of a woman fleeing from the dismembered corpses of her children in a magic chariot pulled by dragons.

Anyway, that's the last time I'm ever going to allude to Pandora's vagina when I talk about her box. It's crass and old hat and I don't peddle in those kinds of wares. This is a high brow blog where I drop Shakespeare quotes when I can remember them and constantly quote philosophers after consulting Lord Google and Lady Wikipedia. If I had to rely on the things I actually know, you'd simply be reading a lot of Looney Tunes references here.

Somewhere during the Trinity War, Pandora learned that she could kill a Deadly Sin if she first fully embraced the sin. So she killed Envy in the Trinity War and now she's ready to hunt the rest.

Except maybe she has to first deal with the aftermath of the Crime Syndicate traveling to Earth Prime.

I don't know but I have a feeling we're going to get a lot of Forever Evil tie-ins beginning this way!

Pandora begins her post-Trinity War blackout amongst the ruins of Washington, DC: smoke billows out of the capitol dome, bones litter the National Mall, thick black clouds hang in the air. In other words, business as usual.

So turn it the fuck over, you stupid clown. Sometimes I get confused when I pick up a book the wrong way and wonder how the publisher could fuck up so bad by printing everything upside down.

Oh look at that. It's just like I said somewhere in some commentary someplace at sometime: the Justice League was not killed but just transported to Earth 3. Which is also where Stargirl wound up after escaping the Cube. See how the Earth 3 American flag is opposite Earth Prime's? Because black is the opposite of red and red is the opposite of white! Now here is the part where I sing some Les Miserables!

"BLACK! THE COLOR THAT IS NOT RED!
RED! THE COLOR THAT IS NOW WHITE!
BLACK! THE COLOR THAT IS ALSO NOT WHITE!
RED! THE TEARS OF ANGRY MEN THAT HAVE HAD THEIR EYES GOUGED OUT!"

See, you can tell that Black is the opposite of Red on Earth 3 because the stripe at the bottom of the flag should be red but it's black on Earth 3. And you thought I was just being stupid when I said black was the opposite of red! Well, you say stupid, I say super logical, perceptive, and observant! Unless perceptive and observant are basically the same thing so shut up!

This is the first person Pandora meets on her Steve Ricks backpacking trip across Earth 3:

It's Man Martianhunter!

That red inked font on a gray background is nearly impossible to read without doing severe damage to your retinas. So it's probably a good thing you've already read this bit in your own copy of Pandora #4 because you certainly aren't reading my blog simply to avoid paying $2.99 each month for this comic book. Are you? I'm especially looking squinty-eyed at all y'all pretending to "boycott" DC for "transgressions" against "stuff" but still need to follow everything they put out like rabid French hyenas who want their bread and their cake too.

My God. Who taught me these analogies?! I guess I was raised by Victorian Werewolves. Is that a thing? I hope it's a thing.

Man Martianhunter dies at Pandora's beautifully booted feet and then Pandora disintegrates. No, wait. She probably just gets transported somewhere else.

So menstruation is the key to traveling between worlds? I'm confused.

Once Pandora is back on Earth Prime, she goes to see her arms dealer, Marcus Aurelius. Although he's probably just named Marcus after somebody else because he's practically barren of stupid, trite, boring quotations. He has yet to say anything like "The sexual embrace can only be compared with music and with prayer." Wait. Really? So am I actually praying on a daily basis? And here I thought I was masturbating!

When I was a kid (this is not a masturbation story! It's a Marcus Aurelius story!), I used to spend a lot of time exploring the shit in the basement of our home. My dad had built a trophy rack for my parent's road rally trophies and a bookshelf for a bunch of random books and National Geographic magazines. Amongst the books was a series that collected three or four classic works (probably some abridged) into one book. It was in these books that I first encountered Alice in Wonderland, Gulliver's Travels, Moby Dick and many others. I remember essays by Charles Lamb and quotations by Marcus Aurelius. I don't remember Marcus's wisdom having any great impact on me although I bet I tried to memorize some of them to quote to people. Although the proper situation to use the quotes probably never came up before I quickly forgot them. I wish I could remember who published that series of collections. In a way, that bookshelf, with its collections and National Geographics and other odd books, was my internet of the Seventies.

Anyway, Pandora has come to Marcus to have him help her with her box. The Crime Syndicate tore it up and she needs help putting it back together. Only Marcus has the knowledge and the dextrous fingers needed to fix Pandora's box and save the world.

Meanwhile in Mexico, Vandal Savage is having a bit of a crisis. He's discovered that he isn't pure evil like he always wanted to be because he understands the difference between good and evil. By understanding the difference, he understands good which means he can't be purely and innocently evil. What he really wants is for evil to be so ingrained in his nature that he simply understands that evil is the way of things. What he wants is to be from Earth 3! But he is too self-aware and now he's even afraid that he might have a spark of good within him. Oh, Vandal. Stop worrying about your true nature! You were perfect the way you were in Demon Knights! Just a selfish prick that wasn't concerned about bad or good. You were only concerned with your own desires. You were so beautiful!

Pandora plans a trip to Mexico because she needs to find The Outsider so he can help Marcus rebuild her box. But to find The Oustider, she needs a guide. And Vandal Savage fits that role since she already knows him from their constant run-ins across time and space.

I even find the act of shaking hands violent and aggressive. Which is why I don't participate in it anymore. Now I hug. I even hugged the guys I just met or barely knew when I was in Vegas last week! Because I live by my convictions, baby! Although sometimes I still get sucked into a bro-hug. But that's more of a hand clasp and half-hug which is still far better than the sizing up of the other person that's involved with a handshake.

Vandal Savage hands over his Communication Coin to Pandora so that she can go meet with The Outsider. He's decided that he doesn't want to work for them. I guess the whimsy of it wore off and now Savage is off to satisfy some other desire. Pandora crashes the Happy Harbor meeting that's been repeated about twenty or more times now. But she skips the meeting so I don't have to see poor Monocle fried to a crisp again. Instead, Pandora heads straight on into the crashed remains of the Justice League Watchtower to find her prey.

I wondered what The Outsider was up to during this stupid meeting.

Pandora #4 Rating: +2 Ranking. Now this felt much more like a Forever Evil tie-in! Stupid Justice League of America should pay attention. But then Pandora's story is inextricably tied to the entire Trinity War story. She is, after all, the catalyst for the entire thing. I like that we're given a glimpse of Earth 3 (as we were in JLA #8 but without being coy about it here) and that Pandora is given an obvious motivation for her movements. It's odd that suddenly the Deadly Sins have just winked out of existence though. Perhaps they got cold feet when they saw Pandora kill Envy and they're off regrouping. Or another theory: each of the Crime Syndicate that came through took over the role of a Deadly Sin as they came through. Perhaps it was the only way for them to make the journey because the Deadly Sins were sort of shadows of their true selves already on Earth Prime. Which is why Earth 3 Aquaman (Sea King!) died during the journey. Because Pandora killed Envy and obviously Aquaman would represent Envy! The others might go as follows: Superwoman/Pride, Ultraman/Gluttony, Power Ring/Sloth, Johnny Quick/Lust, Deathstorm/Wrath, and Owlman/Greed. Some of the characters might have some overlap but I felt if I needed to go one for one in comparison, these work best. Owlman as greed because of his need to own and control everything. Ultraman for gluttony because of his consuming Kryptonite for power. Deathstorm as Wrath because he's most destructive. Power Ring as Sloth because he's fearful and hesitant. Johnny Quick as Lust because he's quick to satisfy his needs. Sea King as Envy because he just wants to be one of the big, grown-up super heroes that nobody makes fun of. Superwoman as Pride because she's a proud, strong female. I refused to make her Lust simply because she's fucking two members of the team. They'd all be Lust if I equated it with fucking! If only the real Justice League would fuck as much as the Crime Syndicate does, they might lose some of the sticks up their asses.

Demon Knights #23

Hey DC! Why don't you just cancel all of your comic books and just make them "Superman and X" or "Batman and Y"?

Even if DC was selling a book called "The Greatest Written and Drawn Comic Book of All Time" (and that title was true!), fans would turn their nose up at it and call it terrible and pass it up on the shelves to pick up some shitty piece of shit written by some shit writer simply because a favorite character was in it. How do I know this? Because Etrigan and Vandal Savage are two of my favorite characters! Of course I hate Madame Xanadu so that balances things out a little bit. But you know how I know this comic book has been written well? Because I like Madame Xanadu in it!

Wait a second. That actually might mean that this comic book is written poorly because they've gotten Madame Xanadu's characterization all wrong! No, no. This is the version of her that was passionate and in love with a Demon (while being in fake love with the man tied inextricably to that Demon). This version of her was before she realized she can coast on her past accomplishments and constantly tell everybody that the world was going to end if they don't immediately bring her a Caramel Cookie Frappaccino or wash her car. So that's all right then.

I believe another reason this series didn't have as many readers as it should have had is that it was basically outside of continuity. People seem to really like that continuity thing. "I want my stories to have repercussions on the greater universe!" Or some such shit. Of course that isn't true. This book tied in to Stormwatch and Swords of Sorcery and Team 7 and All Star Western. Sort of. If you were into that whole Eclipso Crossover event which, as an "event", really wasn't very good. Some of the individual stories were fine and I did like how it tied in to and wrapped up in Swords of Sorcery.

The art in this series hasn't missed a beat for 23 issues. I suppose it was time to stumble here on the 24th. It's passable comic art, mostly. I chose this panel because Ystin looks so goofy. I think Phil Winslade could have used an inker on this issue. I also have to wonder why he's doing the art on this final issue. I suppose the other artists moved on to non-temporary gigs!

Oh, while I'm mentioning the art which I rarely do and should be kicked in the balls for not doing so so often (also, I should think my sentences through better and stop making them linguistic jungle gyms), Howard Porter delivered another spectacular cover! God damn, just between the covers of Issue #22 and #23, I've become a huge fan of this man!

Meanwhile on the writing side of things, the Giants are bombing the poo-diddly out of al-Wadi. And just to show that I'm not thoroughly unhappy with Phil Winslade, I'll scan the Demon Knights reaction to the bombing.

This is a good job of what I consider standard comic book art. It doesn't jump out at me as really pumping hard any of my aesthetic orifices, but it doesn't detract at all. It does it's job and, I think, it does an above average job for an artist without an inker taking on a completely new book by himself. Now if al Jabr were recovering from a stroke, this would be fantastic!

During the chaos of me commenting on art and giants bombing al-Wadi, Brickwedge and Sarah have a nice little moment.

I hope Brickwedge and Sarah show up in another comic book at some point.

Brickwedge shares in the immortality granted by the connection between Sarah and her horse, right? RIGHT?! Oh man. I'm going to be sad of Brickwedge isn't immortal. More sad than I am knowing that I'm about to finish the last issue of this comic book! I wonder if I can make reading it last forever! Won't you join me on my forever read, Georgy? We all float down in here in the forever read! Forever and ever and ever, Danny!

Speaking of Stephen King, when The Dark Tower series ended, I left the last chapter unread for a few months. And then I couldn't take it any more because what the fuck was I doing? It's not like I was extending the pleasure of the book! I was just keeping Roland from gaining any kind of resolution! So I read it and it was what it was and now I've forgotten most of everything anyway. I remember there was a boy and a werewolf and people lit out for the territories and the boy's father's business partner was the ultimate evil and he tried to form a paradise of evil in Las Vegas when Captain Tripps killed everybody. Remember Captain Tripps? M-O-O-N! That spells Captain Tripps! Did any of y'all read Desolation? I'm pretty sure it was Stephen King's Wasteland (see the similarities in title?) where he brought together bits and pieces of all of his books and stories up until that point. Not like he fit them all into the plot or anything. But I think he mentioned them or characters had connections to characters in other books or...or...or maybe I was dreaming. It's been a long time!

Not that T.S. Eliot's The Wasteland was about bringing all of Eliot's writings together! The comparison was that The Wasteland was adrift with the flotsam and jetsam of Eliot's culture and King was kind of doing that with Desolation except the cultural cache was knowledge of Stephen King books instead of knowledge of whoever was the Beavis and Butthead of the early 1900s and other intellectually stimulating topics of the time. Perhaps I could have just said the current zeitgeist! No, that's stupid. And German!

I think I was supposed to be drinking sake while celebrating the life of this comic book as I put it in a dusty box for good! But it's five in the morning and stupid American Puritanical Liquor Laws say I can't buy alcoholic beverages until eight in the Ante Meridiem! Stupid laws. I can get drunk and crash my car just as easily at 8 AM as at 5 AM!

The city is getting pummeled and all they can talk about are Giant Bowel Movements and Xanadu's proficiency at hand jobs.

Remember that Eclipso crossover I mentioned? This issue is part of that since Exoristos seems to have left the Black Diamond which Lucifer had given her in the treasure vaults of al-Wadi!

Where has she been keeping that key? In her purse? Or purse-like orifice?

Now I have a bad feeling that Exoristos isn't going to survive this battle! Because that would just add another piece of the puzzle to the journey of Eclipso's Black Diamond. Although I don't see al Jabr getting his own New 52 title, especially at seventy years old. I'd read it, of course! But if not many people are reading this series that stars Vandal Savage and Etrigan and, I guess, Madame Xanadu, who's going to pick up al Jabr, Muslim Miracle Man? He could have lots of guest stars, I suppose. And he could be like Bill Nye or Beakman, teaching kids science and the way of Allah! Okay, so somewhat like Bill Nye and Beakman.

Jason Blood returns to Hell instead of going toe to toe with fifty thousand giants. Coward. Wait. Is Hell worse than fifty thousand giants? Maybe he's not a coward. Maybe he just hopes Etrigan gets squashed. Although if Etrigan dies while on Earth, does Jason Blood get to come back? I'm assuming Lucifer wouldn't make Blood's return easy.

How does this giant know what an ant is?! As if it has ever seen one! The giant should say, "Smash them like peasants!" Because giants probably call people "peasants" because they're the size of peas.

During the battle, Vandal Savage is blown out of his cage by one of the giant's bombs. And then al Jabr and his troops unleash their surprise science attack!

Wait, that wasn't a surprise at all! Stupid cover!

Oh Shining Knight! You're so silly! Don't thank God for science! God only created science so that people have to obey laws and limits of the universe. Meanwhile, He's off gallivanting around the universe creating miracles out of thin air and wiping his ass with the Laws of Thermodynamics! What a douchebag.

Al Jabr and his men hurl spears down on the giants from above but the giants block them with their shields while yelling, "Cowardly insects!" You know what, Mr. Giant? I'm sick of you referring to tiny people as miniscule creatures you probably never even have to deal with! How would you even notice or see a flea or a mosquito? They no doubt can't penetrate your thick hide. You should be calling them "birds" or "snakes" or some other creature that probably bothers you more than insects could. I bet birds are like insects to giants, always flying up their nose or building nests in their ears.

Oh! Except I'm forgetting this is a Fantasy Dungeons and Dragons type realm! There are probably giant ticks and giant ants and giant fleas and giant spiders and giant flies and giant everythings that have evolved simply to pester the giant humans! Giant dragons and giant orcs and giant owlbears and giant gelatinous cubes and giant giants! And then the giant giants probably have giant giant ticks and giant giant ants and giant giant fleas and giant giant spiders and giant giant enverythings! Are you still reading this paragraph? You see what I'm doing right? It's never going to end but you kept right on reading hoping for a better payoff than escalation and repetition! Good for you! Brownie points!

But then al Jabr reveals that he had a better idea than the balloon idea that was already spoiled on the cover! He has one last card up his sleeve: the Black Ace of Diamonds!

Phil Winslade's art is much better than it sounded like I was giving it credit for across this issue. He has done a tremendous job as the fill-in for this final issue. Huzzah! Or something.

So the Giants are collecting Earthly treasures for some unknown Daemons! The Demon Knight World has been built into a great place all its own. There is so much richness in 1043 CE that I think this book could have just run for hundreds of issues if it were prior to Crisis on Infinite Earths. Modern Comics have given comic books and their fans just as much as they've lost. Continuity and more mature stories, plots that make sense (for the most part), characters that evolve and change and learn and fuck up: these are great things. But I think fans aren't willing to invest as much time in comic books from a mainstream company that don't directly tie in to the world of their favorite characters. It's a shame because I'd really love to see more variety than flying people in tights. And Batman.

Al Jabr's plan works. The giants kill themselves fighting over the Black Diamond. Hopefully whichever giant is left standing takes the Black Diamond and scuttles off to whatever Daemon Realm he came from. Or else he might turn into a giant Eclipso and destroy everything! But that probably won't happen since I'm reading a bunch of other comic books that take place in this world's future. Etrigan himself heads back to his Demon Realm to leave Jason Blood marveling at the carnage.

I love al Jabr! I need more al Jabr stories! Hopefully a House of Secrets series is in the works and he'll get some story time in that!

What does that say about me that all of these fanpeople on Tumblr are into young characters with lots of relationship drama and I love the old Muslim science man?! I'm going to write some al Jabr fanfic after this!

Vandal Savage escapes during the battle. And after the battle, al Jabr takes up the Black Diamond from the battlefield. He conducts a little experiment out of emotional earshot of the others and finds that the Black Diamond and the Holy Grail cancel each other out when in close proximity. And so he has a solution to keeping both the Grail safe from those who would abuse it and everybody safe from the evils of the Black Diamond. It's also a solution that allows for more stories in the future!

This is a mark of a great comic book! It ended in "Fin" rather than "NOT THE END!" or "THE BEGINNING!"

Demon Knights #23 Rating: +1 Billion Ranks! This comic book made me happy. It was endearing and charming and beautiful and full of adventure and lesbian princesses and immortal assholes and a vampire hermaphrodite and a sarcastic horse and a talented woman with disabilities and a Muslim man of science and an epic search for a lost artifact and a trip to Hell and to Camelot and to Paradise Island and so fucking much awesome was in this book. But most of all it was fun. IT WAS A FUN COMIC BOOK! I'll miss it dearly each month.

I'd like to thank all the artists and writers and colorists and letterers and editors that worked on this book. I never felt like I was ever being let down on this title. So thank you,

The Writers
Paul Cornell who created the series and the link they had with Stormwatch.
Robert Venditti who came on board and didn't miss a beat, continuing the top notch writing and letting the characters keep their character!

The Pencillers
Diogenes Neves who made this book one of the best looking books of The New 52.
Michael Choi and
Robson Rocha for filling in the gaps when Neves couldn't be bothered. I mean, was overworked!
Bernard Chang for, like Neves, really kicking some visual ass on this thing.
Chad Hardin for his work on the late issues that didn't pop quite like Neves and Chang but had a style that I adored.
Phil Winslade for really bringing this book home even though I wasn't so sure at first. Great work after all is said and done!

The Inkers
Oclair Albert,
Julio Ferreira,
Dan Green, and
Wayne Faucher for doing what they do for the pencillers. If I went back to look at Penciller/Inker combinations, I'm sure I'd see exactly what each of these talents brought to the book. But I'm a bad fan and so I'd just like to thank them for helping make everything so pretty.

The Colorists
Marcelo Maiolo for imbuing this book with a bright, fantasy look. Marcelo nearly colored the entire run and only missed the last few issues. This book wouldn't be the same without Marcelo's outstanding palette on every page.
David Curiel for filling in the final few issues and not making a misstep. The colors popped all the way to the end.

The Letterer
Jared K. Fletcher lettered every fucking issue and kept Etrigan speaking divinely! Or, um, Unholyly!

The Cover Artists
Tony Daniel
Tomeu Morey
Norm Rapmund
Philip Tan
Jeremy Cox
Alex Garner
Howard Porter
They all did a tremendous job and I'm sure more fans would have picked this book up if only the way local stores purchased comic books were different. But with the margins they make, how can they order enough extras without risking the loss? I can't imagine how many fans never even saw how good this book looked on the shelves.

The Editors Chris Conroy,
Matt Idelson,
Joey Cavalieri, and
Kyle Andrukiewicz. Thanks for never intruding on the story. The best editors are the ones I never rant and rail against, and I believe y'all got away from my venom Scott Free!

and, of course, Jack Kirby for creating Etrigan right around the same time my parents were creating me.

I began the first commentary of Demon Knights with this: "Please let this comic be good. I have Jack Kirby’s original sixteen comic run, the initial Demon 4 part mini-series, and all of the second run by Alan Grant and Val Semeiks." And now I can happily add this Demon run to my box of Demon comics from the last forty years or so. Long live Etrigan!

Demon Knights #22

Within the look of this cover is the key to why I dislike Jim Lee's style.

I looked up Howard Porter (who did the cover!) because I wasn't familiar with his name and I simply adore this cover. Turns out he, and this probably doesn't come as news to anybody else, did pencils on Grant Morrison's JLA in the late 90s. That stuff looks pretty Jim Leeish, so I never would have guessed. But this cover? I love it. It's fairly gritty with none of that sleek shine. It's somewhat cartoony and exaggerated which I often prefer to photorealism. But then there's a demon and a half-vampire on this cover, so photorealism might be a bit absurd.

Wait, wait. Don't move on yet! Let's just drink in that sentence one more time, out of context: "Photorealism might be a bit absurd." Oh, if a truer statement exists....

I didn't know how to finish that last sentence so I just shoved a bunch of periods on the end of it.

This issue begins with Vandal Savage already beaten down by the giants of the Treasure Vault. I'm glad Venditti has decided to continue to tell Savage's story although I was prepared to have this book end with his whereabouts and condition unknown.

I also like the sketchiness of Chad Hardin's art, although it might not be very noticeable in this scan. I don't know if this sketchiness is on purpose or this is simply what happens when you don't have an inker. Either way, it's satisfying something in my liver. Or spleen. Or gizzard. Dammit! Which organ is it that processes aesthetics? Oh! The brain!

Unsurprisingly, Vandal Savage immediately turns on Jason Blood and his cohorts when the Giants threaten to cut him in half. I think Savage is more concerned about his outfit than his life. He offers to lead the giants back to The Grail and the thieves that made off with it.

By the way, do y'all know about this site: Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee? I'd watched the Ricky Gervais one previously and just watched the Chris Rock one this morning. Those are two of my favorite comedians but I really should watch more of these when I can squeeze in some extra non-comic book reading time.

The rest of the Demon Knights return to al Jabr to tell him they have The Grail. Oh, and that they also took care of Cain! It's too bad al Jabr is mortal. I'll miss him in the DC Universe once this title is cancelled and no more stories take place in 1043 CE. al Jabr wants to take a look inside the Grail Box because he's a scientist and until he sees what's in the box, it may as well contain Cracker Jacks. Oh, and one of those little fuzzy cardboard things that would change color to tell you how humid it was. Being that I grew up in California, my fuzzy little cardboard thing never turned pink. But The Shining Knight refuses to question the contents of the box! She insists that it remained closed for vague and barely intelligible reasons!

By "vague and barely intelligible reasons," I meant faith based reasons. And she should really have somebody take a look at that.

The Demon Knights have only stopped by al-Wadi to resupply before they search for Merlin to return the Grail to him. While they're in town though, they may be able to help al-Jabr stop his city from descending into chaos. Isn't that always the way? You build a city dedicated to science, logic, and reason and it's taken over by thugs and thieves. Desire for the greater good can never win out over desire for one's own best interests. This is why faith eventually wins out over rationalization and civilization crumbles. Things don't fall apart because men are having sex with other men and because people deny the existence of God; things fall apart because people want to believe that their ego, their personality, will never, ever be extinguished if only they follow a bunch of ancient laws and vague, interpreted scripture concerned with life 2000 years ago. People like to believe that religion is full of charity and helping others. Bullshit. All religion is based on a selfish desire to exist forever.

Y'all knew I was a cynical bastard, right?

The Demon Knights head to their rooms to get some rest. The Horsewoman chooses to sleep outdoors with Brickwedge, so they're the first to notice the odd trembling when Savage's giants have arrived.

Too bad nobody in the DCnU owns a shrink ray.

The Giants descend on al-Wadi and fire a warning shot which destroys the city's watchtower. But more importantly, it knocks Merlin's Box off of a table, spilling The Holy Grail to the floor. The box was designed to hide The Grail from those that would use it for their own desires. And now that it's out of the box, I imagine The Queen and many others will also be descending on al-Wadi.

But that probably won't happen until around Issue #25! For now, The Grail simply causes an explosion of uncontrolled growth in the flora. To stop the wild vines encasing the city and its people, The Horsewoman manages to place it back in Merlin's Box. In the process, her legs are healed.

And that's what happens when I have a nice hot coffee and doughnut to get to! I summarize the last ten pages in two paragraphs without even trying to be funny! Time to eat!

Demon Knights #22 Rating: No change. This is very nearly my favorite comic book, right after my other favorite comic books which I can't think of right now but they might exist so I'm hedging my bets and not saying, "This is my favorite comic book!" But since I'm not completely biased, it isn't #1 because Batman by Scott Snyder has pretty much been the stand out comic book of The New 52 from the get go. But this book is more fun!

Pandora #1

I will not refer to anything as "The Trinity of Sin."

I've never understood the story of Pandora. She opened up her box and set loose all the evils on the world. But she managed to keep hope in the box. It always seemed a bad thing that Hope wasn't set free. Was it a good thing because Hope was kept just for mankind? As a young boy reading every mythology book he could check out of the elementary school library, I always thought, "Pandora! Open the box again! You've already set everything else loose, why not Hope?! Set Hope free too!" It seemed cruel that Hope should be stuck alone in Pandora's Box, shivering and cold and hungry. I haven't reread the myth of Pandora in many, many years, so I should probably begin with that.

Pandora and the Pandora Myth are either the source of the Garden of Eden story or both stories share from an earlier source that I'm not going to spend any time looking for. The Pandora Myth dates from about the 8th Century BCE, first appearing in Hesiod's "Theogony." If the story were written today, everybody on Tumblr would fucking shit a brick. Basically Zeus was pissed that Prometheus had given the grand and useful gift of fire to mankind (and when I say "mankind", I fucking mean "man"kind. A society of men living in peace and prosperity and freezing cold darkness. But now that they had fire, they'd be unstoppable!), so Zeus decides to give them a horrible gift to teach them a lesson. That gift was the first woman and her jar of disgusting shit. Except for the jar and the initial motivation of the God, this sounds quite a bit like the story of Adam and Eve. Yahweh actually creates Eve to help Adam whereas Zeus sends Pandora to curse and hinder mankind. But in the story of Adam and Eve, Eve eventually convinces Adam to eat of the Forbidden Fruit which winds up cursing mankind exactly in the same way Pandora and her jar did. I think that means Zeus was the talking snake and he was probably actually trying to have sex with Eve. And I think Hope, still stuck in the jar ready to be released at some later date to save humankind, must represent Jesus Christ.

As I continue to read more interpretations of the Pandora Myth, I'm surprised to find scholarly discussions of whether Hope remaining in the jar should be seen as a good or a bad outcome. So as a young boy in elementary school, I was just as flummoxed by the story as other modern academics. Seeing that later in Hesiod's poem (this time, "Works and Days"), Hesiod describes Hope as being empty and no good and causing humanity to be lazy by taking away their industriousness, makes it seem as if leaving Mankind with Hope was worse than letting it escape. Hope was just another kind of evil in the jar. I like that reading of the myth. Because when I see people allowing bullshit to go on in the world because they're secure in their Hope for an afterlife, I can see how Hope can do great evil and cause much ruination. When someone prays that a child gets better instead of actively fighting against the illness with whatever knowledge and modern means we have, we see the evil of Hope. When people are taught that this world doesn't matter because a reward awaits them in Heaven, that fighting to make this world a better place matters little because our physical being is nothing and our spiritual selves are everything, we see the evil of Hope. I'll leave it at those two sentences because I don't want to slip into "The Triple" at this point. "The Triple" is standard comedic fare where you give two serious examples of a thing and then you throw in a third, ridiculous thing for the punchline. I think I learned about it from Nick at Night!

Okay, now that I'm finished with the most sparse amount of Pandora research possible, it's time to read my comic book.

The story begins in 8000 BCE, so it's contemporary with the first appearance of the Pandora Myth and the formal beginnings of what would become The Old Testament. Except according to Young Earth Scholars, none of this actually happened because the world was created in 4004 BC (since I'm speaking of Creationism, I'll stick to BC over BCE for this one). Pandora is a young woman living with her people in Macedonia when she stumbles upon a Golden Skull in a bush. She picks it up and looks at it and fucks up everything.

No wonder the Wizards are pissed at her. She set free the Seven Deadly Sins.

First off, I don't really like this beginning. She doesn't do anything. She's completely passive and doesn't do anything that anybody else probably wouldn't have done. She picks up the Golden Skull and looks at it. I suppose that's supposed to be her sin of curiosity. But I'd rather that she opened something or actively did more than just took a look at some curious object.

But then, I don't agree with punishing Judas for his actions either! So I suppose I'm not going to agree with whatever fucked up reason is given for The Question being punished as well. He's probably being punished for engaging in scientific research.

I suppose the punishment of each of the Trinity comes down to their own feelings of guilt. Judas is punished not because he did as Christ knew he would which furthered Christ's purpose but because Judas himself felt that he could never be forgiven for his part in the proceedings. And when the creatures Pandora released which destroy her tribe call her mother, she believes it to be her fault even though she merely looked at an object in the woods. I guess I can see their point since when I step on a slug in the dark, I feel awful and guilty and spend three or four days crying and gnashing my teeth for not having been more careful.

Pandora soon finds herself before The Rock of Eternity and the World's Most Wonderful Wizards.

One of the three greatest transgressors?! Lesson to be learned: Never pick up anything you find in the woods. Also never betray Jesus Christ. Those two things are equally bad.

Just as The Phantom Stranger does, Pandora wanders the world across time. She is cursed to observe the world fallen prey to the sins she set loose on it. They are her children and there is nothing she can do about it. At least not yet. I suppose some time around Flashpoint, she figures out a way to interact with things.

Pandora is basically the cause of all of the Old Testament's wrath and chaos. She tries to save those she can. Is she the force that spoke with Abraham and his descendants? Is she, herself, the Hope left over? If so, then her story ties directly into The Phantom Stranger's as she sets in motion the things that lead to Jesus Christ. And then The Phantom Stranger fucks up that one, doesn't he? Is this why they hate each other? And if this is the case, then where does The Question fit in? Who comes after Jesus Christ to question the way of things and cause more pain and misery? I suppose The Question could have committed his sin between Pandora and The Phantom Stranger as well. Should I be thinking Biblically for his identity as well? Moses questions God, doesn't he? I really don't think he'd be another Biblical figure though. Although one character from Greek Myth, one from the Old Testament, and one from The New Testament could work. It's a bit heavy on blaming the Western World for all of the world's troubles though. But just as DC's stories on a Galactic scale always concentrate on Mankind and their differences, the stories on Earth tend to concentrate on Western Beliefs and Modes of Thought as well. So I shouldn't be surprised if The Question is just another Person from The Book.

Pandora tries to save the few she can. She tries to change the minds of men and lead them away from her children's temptations. And then she goes all Kung Fu and travels the land learning what she can from mystics and sages and teachers. One teacher, in particular, is my favoritest of favorites.

I know he's not really a teacher. But that doesn't keep Pandora from learning something from him.

By 2013, Pandora has armed herself with a slew of modern weapons and ancient fighting techniques and mystical abilities. She's prepped and ready for battle against the Sins when she's visited by The last wizard of The Rock of Eternity.

What a dick.

And so Pandora sets out on a quest to have Superman or Batman help her to discover the secrets within her box.

Pandora #1 Rating: I thought this was a good start to the whole Pandora deal plus Vandal Savage made an appearance and he'll be back next issue. So I'll begin this comic book at Rank #20.

Demon Knights #20

I wonder if Octopi feel slandered and defamed because of Hentai? Because I can't see a fucking tentacle anymore without believing it's in search of an open orifice.

The Demon Knights have saved Themyscira by killing all the vampires. Although Cain escaped so he's sure to go make more vampires before The Demon Knights can lock him up inside of Andrew Bennett. And The Shining Knight has gone all Bladey and become a half-vampire or something. I think The Shining Knight's goal is to eventually be able to check every single box in the race category on the census form.

As thanks for saving Paradise, Hippolyta has some information for the Demon Knights concerning their quest.

At least when Sir Ystin turns into a vampire, she'll easily be able to walk amongst the humans since she has so much practice passing.

Hippolyta directs the Demon Knights to the Amazonian Library of Congress to learn about The Holy Grail.

Excerpt from Richard F. Burton's translation of the Kama Sutra: "The following women are not to be enjoyed: a leper; a lunatic; a woman turned out of caste; a woman who reveals secrets; a woman who publicly expresses desire for sexual intercourse; a woman who is extremely white; a woman who is extremely black; a bad-smelling woman; a woman who is a near relation; a woman who is a female friend; a woman who leads the life of an ascetic; and, lastly the wife of a relation, of a friend, of a learned Brahman, and of the king." So that leaves what? A young, mute, slightly tanned stranger that has just taken a bath and doesn't want to have sex with you?

Exoristos almost goes into the story told in Wonder Woman about how the Amazons mate. My only question is if they only get reading material from sailors, shouldn't it all be porn and Stephen King novels?

Turns out the Amazons write their own books based on information they extract from the sailors post-coitus and pre-drowning. One of the testimonials came from a man that supposedly knew the location of a chalice that grants the drinker immortality. They learn it's somewhere in the Mediterranean which is probably why they're being attacked by an immortal octopus on the cover. I'm just guessing it's immortal. If The Holy Grail has been tossed in the sea, does that mean that anybody drinking from the sea will become immortal? Perhaps all the sea creatures that pass within a certain radius of the underwater chalice are granted immortality from taking in the Holy Salt Water?

The Demon Knights are gifted a ship from the Amazons and they're off! And, um, two octopus-free days later, they're there!

Forget the octopus! I sense a giant iron man in their future!

Oops! Remember the octopus? It attacks from a crack in the cliff wall!

Speaking of Octopi, some of you may be too young to remember a time when the movie, The Goonies, did not feature an octopus. I saw it in the theaters and my favorite part of the movie at the time was at the end when the kids are asked what the scariest part of the adventure was and Data claims the scariest part was the octopus. I just thought he was making up shit and it made me laugh. Then years later when the Disney Channel was airing the movie constantly, they had put the Octopus scene back into the movie. And I had to apologize to Data for calling him a fucking liar all those years.

Of course the Octopus instantly goes for Xanadu because she's wearing those loose robes with easy access to two of an octopus's favorite orifices. Maybe this is the moment that Xanadu decided knowing the future would be a handy thing. At the very least, it could keep her from getting sushi shoved up her rectum.

It's a trap!

This monster's name is Archie and it's defeated when Exoristos pounds Ystin's sword into its face and Xanadu shoots a bolt of lightning into the sword causing Archie's head to explode. Behind the octopus is a blood covered door with Merlin's glyphs on it. One of them is the glyph for The Holy Grail!

Demon Knights #20 Rating: +1 Ranking. Perhaps their quest for The Holy Grail will actually be coming to an end as I've heard this comic has been cancelled because DC Comic fans apparently buy books simply based on the characters in them and not how well written the comic book is. And I get not buying this book simply because that gunt Madame Xanadu is in it! Although I thought Etrigan might be worth a few more fans.

Demon Knights #19

This comic book should have been cancelled when Adam One was killed at the beginning of time.

Not that I want this comic book to be cancelled! It's one of my favorites! It's just that time is different now thanks to the flame-headed people switching everything over to the Magenta Timeline. Although if I really dug into my DC Fanboy Logic Vaults, I can make excuses for anything. And this one is easier than most. Just make Merlin somebody else! Perhaps since there was no Adam One/Merlin, Mordred founded the Demon Knights for his own reasons and they have no connection to anything called Stormwatch at all. They're just a bunch of misfits that joined together through the machinations and manipulations of some dick wizard. Oh wait! That's exactly how it happened with Merlin anyway!

So see? Changing the timeline hardly means changing the current action in most books. But I wonder if there is now an Earth Prime and an Earth Prime Magenta? That's probably the best way to sort Stormwatch and the rest of the Earth Prime books now.

At the end of last issue, Cain was about to raid Themyscira and Savage was about to raid the Demon Knights' camp.

Vandal Savage is crying out for a hug. He's just acting out because he hasn't been included.

I really enjoy how the conversation proceeds from here. Nobody, not even Savage, is rushing to punch anybody else in the throat or simply acting snarky and disagreeable just to be contrary. Vandal points out that everyone should be slightly more than pissed at Jason Blood and Etrigan for taking them to Hell and nearly ending their immortal lives. That's a reasonable point! But then the Horsewoman lets Savage know that he may be immortal but if Etrigan dies, the world as he knows it may end. A compelling argument for someone who indulges his every desire and whim in the current world. Why would he want to see that world come to ruin? So his response to her? "I'm listening." Fucking incredible. Just...just...man. It's fucking genius how Venditti writes the characters as individual characters that act the way you'd expect the characters to act! This could have been three pages of brawling until somebody said, "What are we doing!? We must stop Cain!" And then they'd all go, "Okay! We'll band together for now!" Instead they discuss the situation and when Vandal finally decides they're all idiots anyway and he's going to kill Etrigan despite what might happen, Xanadu blasts him in the chest and that's it for the fighting. The conversation and the pacing make these a really nice three pages to get Vandal Savage back with the group. Solid and believable. And, as always, Vandal makes every line enjoyable.

Meanwhile, Paradise Island has vampires storming its shores. Can't they get the Gods to help them? Or can not even the Gods harm Cain for fear of death? But the vampires don't storm Hippolyta's stronghold because daybreak is nearly upon them. They hide out waiting for nightfall while the Demon Knights finish building their boat and try to catch up.

I wonder if the Horsewoman is still alive in The New 52 present and I wonder if she can bond with cows. You see where I'm going with this?

Back in Hell where Jason Blood dared Lucifer to torture him more than Etrigan could, Jason Blood is being horribly tortured. There are certain things you don't say to certain people. You don't begin any sentence to an elderly person with "In the long run..." and you don't tell Satan "I'm not afraid of you!" These things just don't end well. But while Lucifer is enjoying the sweet pain and suffering of the idiot Jason Blood, he has a Revelation.

Okay, maybe it's just a small "r" kind of revelation.

Speaking of Revelations, isn't it somewhere in that Biblical book where they speak about the Mark of the Beast? Oh yes, here it is. Revelations 13:16-17: "And he causeth all, both small and great, rich and poor, free and bond, to receive a mark in their right hand, or in their foreheads: And that no man might buy or sell, save he that had the mark, or the name of the beast, or the number of his name." I don't know about you but it sure sounds like cell phones to me. Why would the vision confuse the mark as being on the hand or possibly the forehead? Oh, I don't know. Because you hold the stupid thing up to your head? Yeah, you all fell for it! You've all been avoiding government chips and ID cards but y'all took the stupid Mark of the Beast of your own volition because it was too tempting not to have! It's obvious that's the way the Mark would end up being distributed. Not as something forced on the populace but something the populace felt they couldn't live without. I don't think my burner phone I use exclusively for work counts since I can't buy anything with it. So I'm saving you all from the End Times by being one of the few not yet succumbing to the Mark. So don't let me die! I'm saving the world over here!

Lucifer is such a pussy. Why is he so afraid of Cain? He's just a man! Well a man blessed by God. I mean cursed by God. I never get that right on the first try!

The Demon Knights make it to land just in time to save Hippolyta and her army with the knowledge of how to kill vampires. Vampires are stupid. How did they ever let the secret way to kill them get out?! They could have been so much more if nobody knew their weakness. I guess it's not their fault. I've been reading comic books long enough to know that the enemy always knows his rival's weakness because most writers are lazy. Not that Venditti is being lazy! That was just an example! If I wasn't enjoying Venditti's writing, I'd make it blatantly apparent by disparaging his ancestors multiple times.

During the battle, Sir Ystin approaches Cain for conversion to Vampiricism because one of Merlin's prophecies said, "An evil that will own your very spirit." There might have been more to it than that but I don't remember it and I'm simply relying on the flashback given in the comic book. Also, Merlin could give that prophecy because this story isn't taking place on the sub-Earth, Earth Prime Magenta. Ystin takes it in the neck and collapses. I wonder if this will backfire on Cain for some reason? Like that time the vampire bit Apollo over in Stormwatch. Oh wait. Nevermind. That didn't happen anymore.

Back in Hell, Jason returns to Earth as a personal favor to Lucifer.

And then Etrigan does a personal favor for Lucifer. Boy, Lucifer is really racking up the debts.

Once Etrigan returns full of hellfire, he lays waste to the Vampires with his fiery breath. With the help of the Amazons, the Demon Knights dispatch the last of Cain's army. He says some typical villain words of bravado before tucking his tail and fleeing. I especially like how he transforms into a murder of crows as he flees. Unless it's a parliament of rooks. Or a writing desk of ravens.

Lastly, Exoristos looks to Sir Ystin. He's been bitten but she seems to have retained his senses, more or less. She mentions needing this curse to continue seeking the Grail and Hippolyta's ears perk up. Instead of slaughtering Sir Ystin and punishing Exoristos for returning to the island, the Queen decides to repay the Demon Knights' help with tea, sandwiches, and information.

I'm only guessing at the tea and sandwiches.

Demon Knights #19 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic book fills out twenty pages better than most of The New 52. I rarely feel dissatisfied with the length or the action or the characterizations. What I find truly impressive is that Venditti is the second writer on this book and it doesn't feel like a writer change has occurred at all. This book has been more consistent than some books that have retained a single writer over the last year and a half.

Demon Knights #17

I don't have anything to say this morning but I really want to read this comic book.

I've never painted in my life but I realized last night that I have a painting project in me that I really want to do. Perhaps I'll save it until my golden years though. I want to paint images and situations I experienced while on acid or mushrooms. I was thinking about one time at a flea market in San Jose tripping with my buddy Bobby. As we approached a rack of sunglasses with a small girl crouched at the base digging through a box of toys, the girl turned around and she was wearing a pair of those glasses with the eyes already on them. I was suddenly able to see the stylized painting I would do of that moment and it made me think of all the other drug-addled moments that would make lovely paintings. Lovely to me anyway. The kid offering me fizz. The brawl in the Grizzly roller coaster line between the transvestites and the asshole jocks. The kid that looked like Data as he did the "Live Long and Prosper" greeting when we asked to take his picture. Gumby in line for The Demon. Jupiter following me. The thousand years I spent in the strip joint parking lot. Sitting cross-legged on Jason Beymer's floor while his younger sister's friends drank and partied around me. Watching Jesus Christ Superstar in fast forward while listening to Rush. Rock and Roll bowling and seeing everybody staring at me constantly.

I think I should learn to paint. I could see myself really enjoying my golden years painting these moments.

Didn't I just type that I had nothing to talk about? Let's get back to that! I want to read Demon Knights already!

Since we saw Jason Blood was busy being tortured by Vandal Savage and unable to call forth the Demon since Jason had seemingly misplaced his mouth, let's check in on what Etrigan is up to!

Boredom seems fitting. He is in Hell, after all.

Lucifer stops by to taunt him a bit and then Etrigan impotently threatens Jason Blood. Meanwhile Jason Blood continues to endure torture and humiliation at the hands of Savage. In Al-Wadi, Exoristos, Sir Ystin, and the Horsewoman set off to rescue Jason Blood. Al-Jabr believes they'll need him to help stop Cain from taking Paradise Island. Well, not Jason Blood. You know who they really need.

Once they get there, Exoristos simply walks in the front gate to distract Vandal Savage while the others do whatever the others are going to do. Probably rescue Jason Blood! I hope they find his mouth while they're at it.

I'm going to miss Vandal Savage if they can't manage to finagle a way to bring him along.

Meanwhile, Sir Ystin easily frees Jason Blood. But getting in has probably alerted other guards and getting out is going to be much harder. Especially since the plan was to use Etrigan's muscle to secure their egress. Luckily Sir Ystin has a Plan B. B as in Bellerophon.

I'm surprised Savage didn't have someone paint a sad face on Jason Blood.

As they escape the castle, Horsewoman gives a thought command to Savage's men's horses to not follow. Once Vandal and his brigands mount up, the horses drop to their knees. Of course Savage knows what's up having ridden with the Horsewoman in the past. So it seems like Savage won't be along for this adventure. Unless his ire forces him to follow. But I have a feeling the others are going to need to seek out Madame Xanadu to fix Jason Blood's face.

Of course Jason didn't warn them whom they were going to see. He could have written it down!

Meanwhile on their steady march to Paradise Island (I'd rather call it that because Themyscira is too hard to spell), Cain and his Vampire Amazon cohort descend on the Bison Riders so that they can add a Vampire Cavalry to their army.

Demon Knights #17 Rating: No change. Even with the change in writers, this book is still one of the better written New 52 comics. And Bernard Chang hasn't missed a beat as the replacement for Diogenes Neves. It's simply a beautiful book to look at and a fun story to read.