Threshold The Drinking Game #8

Who cares about Caul? There's a space cupcake shop nearby!

What a surprise! Threshold, DC's next attempt at a War Comic (science fiction but still their war comic!) only made it eight issues! Just like Men of War. And Just like G.I. Combat. Although this series was actually good while the other war comics were just awful. I'm glad DC keeps trying but they've got to figure out how to sell non-Batman comic books already. And I think I know how! Here's what you do, DC: kill off Batman. Just kill him off. Then hint around that Bruce Wayne is actually undercover as a different super hero in the DC Universe! And the cover of every comic book after killing off Batman should read, "Is this really Bruce Wayne?!" And then have Bruce Wayne in a Catwoman suit looking sexy or wearing Superman's cape and diving off of a building. People will go mad trying to figure out who is now Bruce Wayne!

Although what will actually happen is that all the Batman fans will simply stop reading and proclaim that DC sucks and has always sucked. So actually, I don't have any ideas about how to sell more comics. DC, I suppose your solution is as good as it gets: just put Batman and Superman in every single comic book.

Batman and Superman aren't in this comic book. So you can move along to one that does now. But I have to read it. It's, like, mandatory and shit.

Last issue I believed that Jediah Caul, Green Lantern, was teleported to Lady Styx for some diplomatic business. But instead he's ended up in the Office for Intergalactic Visas battling a mob of bureaucrats.

Uh oh. I'm pretty sure she's from HR. Or the equivalent since these aren't exactly humans.

You know, I only write these commentaries so I can reread them when a new issue of the comic comes up and catch up quickly on what was happening previously. But since this is the final issue of Threshold, I don't have to write a commentary about it! Yay! We should all just get drunk instead! Yay! Or eat a lot of cookies if you're not into getting drunk. I guess it depends on which you'd rather deal with: a hangover or twenty extra pounds? Fuck it! Let's get drunk AND eat cookies!

Let's just turn this comic book into a drinking game, okay? Let me make up some rules. How about twenty of them?

1. Whenever a character says "literally", you have to take a shot. If they use it correctly (very rare!), you get to eat a cookie instead!
2. Whenever a character defies another character (without violence), drink.
3. Whenever a character acts rationally and engages in normal conversation when confronted with defiance or potential violence, eat a cookie!
4. Drink every time somebody is punched or kicked or hit with a light construct.
5. Eat a cookie every time a light construct is used in a helpful manner, like to save lives or fix a tea pot.
6. Finish your drink whenever a character dies.
7. Eat a cookie every time Keith Giffen writes a meta-textual statement.
8. Drink after every time you turn a page.
9. Finish your drink if Captain K'rot's leg kidnapper is revealed.
10. Eat three cookies if Lonar calls his motorcycle, "Thunderer."
11. Drink whenever Batman makes an appearance.
12. Two drinks when Star Hawkins' robot assistant insults him.
13. Eat a cookie if Ember kisses somebody.
14. Finish your drink if The Hunted game show is cancelled.
15. Drink if Captain K'rot's Raccoon lady friend makes another appearance; eat a cookie of Captain K'rot's friend Pig Iron returns.
16. Drink and eat a cookie if Adonis is still alive.
17. Down three shots if Blue Beetle is returned to Earth.
18. Finish your drink if T'morra's bartender betrays the rebellion.
19. Eat a cookie every time Stealth is in a panel and not using her power.
20. Drink every time Stealth is in a panel and using her power. Finish a full beer if this never happens by the end of the comic.

I think I've covered most of what might happen! Now I'll just scan in the pictures which match one of the rules! Everybody ready? Let's go!

I'm calling five drinks on Page One due to violation of Rule #4! At least five bureaucrats are involved in the fracas with Jediah, so they're either pummeling or being pummeled.

Drink because we're turning to Page Two (Rule #8)! Oh man. I hope nobody decided to start out with Tequila because the first panel on Page Two is going to fuck you up.

Nine people hit with a light construct! Drink nine times thanks to Rule #4!

The next few panels are the ones I initially scanned. I think those call for eating a cookie because the Human Resources Manager calms the violence by being rational (Rule #3). It was about time to eat a cookie anyway!

Page Three sees quite a few violations of Rule #2 thanks to Caul acting like a typical Green Lantern and thinking nobody has any authority over them except maybe the stupid Oans.

Two drinks for two acts of defiance by Caul (Rule #2) and one drink for Lady HR's deescalation with her mind powers (Rule #3. I think mind powers can be considered being rational).

Turning to Page Four, so take a drink (Rule #8)! Oh, but first take a drink because of Batman's appearance on the inside cover (Rule #11). I almost missed that one!

Page Four has five panels with Stealth not using her powers, so eat five cookies (Rule #19)! And be sure to wash them down with a drink because we're turning to Page Five now (Rule #8). I'm not counting advertisements as story pages. But they will count for Batman appearances!.

Whoa. Page Five is a bit crazy. Let me scan it in and we'll tally up what happens and maybe make a couple of judgment calls.

Remember how I compared this place to Cheers last commentary? Well, it's time to break down the set!

Holy shit. This page alone makes it look like I already read this comic before making my rules because it's a fucking guzzlefest. First off, eat a cookie for the first panel's meta-text commentary on the cancellation (Rule #7)! Second, I think we can call this as the bartender betraying the Rebellion since she was working with The Hunted game show by running this Hunted Set so finish your drink (Rule #18). Now be sure to get another completely full drink and finish it because The Hunted game show has been cancelled (Rule #14). Eat one more cookie because Stealth appears on panel without using her power (Rule #19). I think that's everything! Be sure to get another drink ready because we're turning to Page Six now (Rule #8).

Don't listen to the Bartender/Actress! Rules are not made to be broken! Stop trying to skip eating cookies and drinking drinks just because you're getting slammed by this game!

Page Six gives us a bit of relief from drinking. But we do need to eat three cookies due to two appearances by Stealth (Rule #19) and one metatextual comment about "Mysteries in Space" (Rule #7). See, Mysteries in Space is another old DC Anthology Title which this guy is going to go star in. That wasn't meant to be patronizing for all y'all who already knew that. I just figured some people might be wondering why they were eating that third cookie! Although who really needs a fucking reason to eat a third cookie?

Take a drink because we're moving on to Page Seven (Rule #8)!

I think this counts as defiance! Rule #2! Drink up, bitches!

It's a good thing it's five in the morning and I couldn't purchase any alcohol before reading this or I might be on the floor by now puking up Oreos.

Turning to Page Eight, drink up (Rule #8)! This page turning rule is just one of those arbitrary rules in a drinking game that simply allows everybody to drink because why are you playing a drinking game if you don't want to drink at all anyway?

Caul gets his back healed by an Omnidoc on Page Eight so he doesn't have to use his Green Lantern Brace anymore. If he'd made that brace during this issue, it would have been time to eat a cookie thanks to Rule #5! As Caul is led by Lady HR to get some answers about why The Hunted is ending, they pass by a scene that deserves one cookie for Rule #7 (meta-textual commentary) and three shots for sending Blue Beetle home (Rule #17).

Oh. I think a drink is in store for Caul's defiance as well (Rule #2).

Drinkity drink up because we're turning to Page Ten (Rule #8)! Caul is led into the Office of the person running The Hunted: T'morra! I still think this allows for the full drink judgment call on his bartender earlier. They were just in it together is all!

Just to be on the safe side, I think we should chug an entire drink with a couple of cookies crumbled into it in honor of Rule #7, Meta-textual commentary, simply based on the overall premise of this entire issue!

Turning to Page Twelve, so chug-a-lug (Rule #8). Just a little bit! One tiny drink! So maybe I used chug-a-lug incorrectly. It's not like I was ever sober enough to learn proper usage in situations when people were using it! Anyway, get your drinks and cookies ready for more!

So this is where Blue Beetle actually returns. Don't worry, you don't have to drink again. Unless you want to!

I suppose we'll count the above panel as four drinks thanks to Rule #4 (Punching and shit!) and one cookie thanks to Rule #7 (meta-textual narrative concerning the reasons for introducing Lonar and Blue Beetle into the title). And another drink as I turn to Page Thirteen (Rule #8). You know, we wouldn't need to drink so much if the advertisements were placed more strategically.

Three drinks thanks to Rule #4 and two cookies thanks to Rules #3 and #7! And another drink as I'm going to be turning to Page Fourteen after this caption (Rule #8).

On Page Fourteen and Fifteen, Caul and T'morra simply discuss job offers. T'morra "offers" Caul a job starring in a new show about an inspirational hero that always tries to do the right thing. Caul, the soon-to-be actor, already understands the job of an actor fairly well when he realizes he's simply going to be a "walking, talking, propaganda-spewing shill." You should probably eat some cookies here due to Rule #7. I don't know how many. Whatever you feel comfortable with. And a drink as we turn to Page Sixteen (Rule #8).

Fuck it. Just eat all of your Goddamned cookies.

Rule #7 probably doesn't matter anymore since I told you to eat all of your cookies. But on Page Seventeen, T'morra mentions Space Cabby and how he's disappeared from everyone's memories.

If you've actually been playing the Threshold Drinking Game, you probably won't remember this. Or you'll simply assumed you hallucinated it.

Caul decides to join up and star in the show. He's put in costume and sent off to appear in the pilot episode. But it doesn't turn out quite like he expected.

Whoops! Rule #6! Finish your alcohol! Game over!

T'morra's big fake out was that Caul would get a Glimmernet show and everybody would make a ton of money. Instead, T'morra films Caul being murdered to establish the premise of his Glimmernet Show:

Fuck. I've scanned way too many pages of this thing. I'll have to do the back-up story scanless and with no drinking!

The back-up story reveals that Star Hawkins was the one to kill Caul when he suddenly materialized in front of a panicked Hawkins. So Hawkins is the guy T'morra is hunting in his new show! It outta be pretty exciting whenever it gets published in Super Pretend Imagination Land!

Threshold #8 Rating: +10 Drunkenness. So Men of War failed. G.I. Combat failed. Threshold failed. Is Mystery in Space next? Or maybe Ghosts? I'm kind of hoping for House of Secrets.

Threshold #7

Yay! A new character this issue: Goon the Offensive!

Now I'm sad that I'm going to be reading a comic book called Threshold and not a comic book called Goon the Offensive. And now I'm mad at comic book companies in general for no longer allowing comic books to be about comic books. Comic Books are really just the bottom of the heap of the super hero intellectual property. It's all about movies and television and merchandising and the comic book must play the support role for those greater money making opportunities. Which means comic books become watered down, vanilla stories that won't take chances for fear of ruining the image of the characters. Although the comic books are exactly the place that companies should be taking risks and telling controversial and insane and crazy and psychedelic stories that stride boldly across the boundaries of the status quo.

Maybe those kinds of stories would just suck coming from a corporate entity anyway. Those things I just mentioned do exist in comic books, just not in DC or Marvel comic books. Although I haven't been paying attention to Marvel's "reboot" so I can't exactly say what's going on there right now. Anyway, thinking about a title called Goon the Offensive made me realize to what extent DC's comic book stories are truly limited.

The Hunted begins with Caul bemoaning his life as a Green Lantern. Nearby, Captain K'rot acts sympathetic. Not. You know what needs to come back? People appending "not" to the end of sentences! Not! Man, that's annoying! It confuses me that people continue to use it! In the 21st Century! I thought after the millennium, we would all agree to retire a few dozen things from humankind's cultural baggage. I figured high-fiving anybody older than two would be right out by now. I was also hoping that watching sports would have fully entered its ironic phase which would spell the end of it altogether in a few years. Except that's wrong too, isn't it? Because the actual cycle is people love something, then people hate on people loving that thing, then people begin to love that thing ironically, and then they all slip right back into actually loving that thing. And so we beat on, boats against the current, blah blah blah. If F. Scott Fitzgerald were here right now, I'd high-five him! Not!

God I hate myself.

Instead of words, here is a picture of a drunk, anthropomorphic space rabbit with a cybernetic leg.

Speaking of words, Threshold #7 is full of them! Jediah Caul continues his belly aching inside Narration Boxes after he charges his ring and grows back to normal size. He never wanted to be a hero and all that shit. So don't be a hero, Jediah! Be your own man! Don't feel shackled to the ring and the uniform just because it picked you! Fuck the Green Lantern image. It's not like they're currently respected anywhere in the galaxy right now anyway. I think most of the universe's population expect you to act like a selfish asshole at this point.

There you go! Good man!

Caul ends up thinking better of it and rescues the Collected Neighborhood to return it to Lady Styx. Fucking chump.

Back on Tolerance, The Hunted are living in fear, running for their lives, and fighting Hunt Clubs to the death!

Not?

According to the previous scene, the television show Cheers was an accurate portrayal of a life and death struggle of human prey being hunted by legalized murder clubs. I suppose Cheers is a microcosm of the cast of every single story every told when you gather them into a bar to relax away from whatever their true story is. Now that this revelation has suddenly descended upon me (although, really, how much of a revelation is it? The gathering of people in a non-space to tell stories is possibly the first story!), I wish Cheers had never had any episodes outside of the confines of the bar. Now I'm disappointed that they occasionally told stories in the character's apartments and other places.

Stealth realizes that T'morra may have had a good idea with the televising the underdogs and getting the audience to love them better than money. She returns to join the Rebellion. Perhaps seeing Ember shot in the head also convinced her. Although as she walks into the bar, she does a double take at Ember's double. And Ember decides to tell Stealth her story!

Oh wait. That's it? That was worse than an episode of Cheers! ... wait for it ... Not!

Oh! I forgot about "wait for it"! That's pretty annoying too!

Caul gets a personal call from Lady Styx assuring him he's free to come back to Tolerance with her bit of city. Although I think she may be using "free" loosely since she's pretty much telling him he has to bring the city to her personally. So it's that kind of freedom. Like when the cops tell you you're free to come with them to the station. Or the government tells you you're free to pay taxes. Or your sexual partner tells you you're free to fuck whomever you want to fuck.

How cute! Despero's little brother is a news anchor in the Tenebrian Dominion!

For the whoever is keeping records, I should make this statement: Ember has to be one of the best characters to come out of Threshold. Okay, now everything else is off the record! I'll deny ever saying any of it! Especially that bit that Jelyde1 tricked me into saying about the Suicide Squad needing to swallow Resurrection Man's semen if they want to survive contact with the Samsara Project!

Those of you that have no idea what I'm talking about don't read enough Disqus Comments!

Caul places the district back where it belongs although it doesn't quite fit the same way that it used to. He has no way to return it to its normal size but that point is moot anyway when Lady Styx transports him to meet up with her. That's just speculation on my part when he disappears. And although I'm no Batman, I'd like to believe I can follow a fucking comic book story without anybody holding my hand. Although it would be nice to have somebody holding my hand while I read it. Or my cock.

Jesus Christ! No wonder Google Ads denied doing business with my Blog! It's filled with smut! And blasphemy!

Meanwhile (wow! I think this is my first 'meanwhile' segue so far today!), Lonar and Blue Beetle are looking to get into the teeny tiny Tolerance District. I'm pretty sure it's because Lonar needs to get his space motorcycle, Thunderer, out of Adonis's Storage Cube. Lonar drops the disguise on Blue Beetle so that Lonar can sneak into the tiny district while the crowd attempt to murder the fuck out of Blue Beetle. His only seeming defense is to take up the Bottled City and use it as a hostage.

Inside the Tiny Town, Lonar BOOOM tubes in and kills Adonis for the Storage Sphere (yeah, yeah. I got the shape wrong earlier!). Or seems to kill Adonis. Slugs are pretty elastic when it comes to concepts like "death" and "eating ones own genitalia."

I miss Captain K'rot's kitten-raccoon hybrid female friend.

Star Hawkins continues to star in his back-up story this issue as he heads off to meet the first ever contestant of The Hunted, the woman behind The Crimson Thrust. I kind of forget why he's going to see her though. Oh! It's probably because he's on a case! He's a Private Investigator of the Stars! He's super famous.

Before I continue, let me say that Larfleeze #1 wasn't as funny as I was hoping. I sort of expected that extending Larfleeze from eight pages to twenty might make the joke wear a little thin. But I also think it was just a bit of those "not sure how to set up the comic" first issue kind of blues. Although the initial characterization of Larfleeze and his beginnings was nicely under-emphasized. We were introduced to a character that had a tragic life but now lies about the tragedy of it, even to himself. Anyway, what I was trying to say is this: Keith Giffen is fucking funny. He does funny well. This Star Hawkins short has some good laughs in it. And, as such, I think a lot of people who read Larfleeze #1 and were disappointed should really give it another shot. I have to stick with it because of this blog but I'd stick with it anyway because I trust Giffen to provide some really good laughs, even if Larfleeze #1 missed the mark somewhat. I wrote all that just to scan this next bit in because it's well funny. I think "well funny" is how they say "it made me smile a little bit" in that old Shakespearean language they continue to speak in London Town.

Not the biggest fan of not so much either. Not! Wait. How many "not"s is that? Am I saying I'm a fan or not?!

And the Legend Star Hawkins is looking for? Well, it turns out to be...wait a second. Are you sure you want to hear this? It'll completely ruin the surprise for when you go to the comic book shop and purchase a copy of this comic book which is cancelled anyway so what the fuck do I care if you continue to support it? Oh! I know why! DC might see the rise in numbers as a reason to put out a solo Ember comic book! Here, I'll give it to you in code so that if you don't want to know, accidentally seeing the name won't spoil it for you. I'll just randomize the letters in her name: Lady Styx.

You know, sometimes when you take a thing that goes in a certain order and randomize that thing, it still comes out in the normal order. That's true randomness! Besides, the two "y"s were switched around.

Threshold #7 Rating: +2 Ranking. It gets a +1 for both stories because I'm a fucking pushover for a tree girl and a nagging, disembodied robotic head. I've really been going easy on DC's comics lately! I might as well be receiving kickbacks for all the +1s I've been giving out!

Threshold #6

Ember is certainly looking much better.

According to the cover, Ember's head injury wasn't as terminal as the six panels of her lying in the street bleeding out had lead me to believe. That's the last time I allow a comic book death to fool me! I should have realized that unlike Catwoman who is only human and thus definitely dead from her head wound, Ember is an alien that has learned to survive The Hunt and probably has some kind of tricky advanced technology capable of keeping her alive.

But before I find out why Ember is still alive, Jediah Caul has to make his way back to Tolerance. He's currently sitting on a space rock outside of Brainiac's Skull-Jellyfish Hybrid Space Ship feeling sorry for himself because he's about to head back into Tolerance and The Hunted to save whats-her-name. I don't know what her name is because I'm not sure who he's talking about. Stealth? I don't think he's met Stealth yet. Ember? She's dead! But he is with her on the cover! So maybe her! My Raccoon/Kitten Hybrid Alien Crush whose name I've forgotten? Maybe Kit Kat? Was her name Kit Kat? One thing he's definitely not doing is considering rescuing Captain K'rot. Screw that guy!

Oh yeah. He means Ilda, Star Hawkins robot assistant with his ex-wife's personality. I think this comic book has too many characters for my feeble mind to remember them all. Maybe more alcohol would help!

Maybe if I ate breakfast more often, my memory would be better. I seem to remember a commercial where a bunch of kids spun around in circles and then fell over because they weren't eating their breakfasts. So maybe breakfast just helps with spinning around in circles. Boy, if my memory were better maybe I could remember how to make my memory better. Stupid memory. You're a failure!

One thing I do remember is that I kept calling Brainiac "Gigantic Penis" last issue for some reason!

Oh yeah! That was the reason! I guess Ilda and I think alike.

Jediah Caul returns to threaten Brainiac while Ilda has him under her control. But her control doesn't last long enough and Brainiac comes back, breaks Jediah's back paralyzing him from the neck down, and ejects Caul and the Tolerance Collection into space. I guess Tolerance wasn't worth much because what kind of a collector voluntarily gives up a piece of their collection? I've traded Magic the Gathering Cards with people before and they're ruthless bastards! Although I shouldn't say that about all of them. When I first began playing Magic the Gathering, my girlfriend and I were looking through our cards at a laundromat in Santa Clara. Now this was just after The Dark set had been released but we didn't know anything about how Magic sold cards in new sets and new releases. We just had starter decks. Some guy from Santa Clara University was there and saw us and broke out his Magic cards. He realized we were new to the game and was excited to share in our new found wonder of this weird ass game. You need to realize this was, shit, twenty years ago? Something like that. Magic was an odd little new type of game. Now CCGs are fucking everywhere but this was a new and fascinating concept back then. This guy gave us both a Maze of Ith which was pretty generous considering that it was the only Maze of Ith I ever owned even after buying many, many The Dark packs.

Actually that story was a lie! I've never played that nerdy game ever! I also never spent $20 on an Argivian Archaeologist card nor do I even know if that's a thing or not!

Meanwhile on Tolerance, T'morra is speaking with whoever Ember really is via some kind of communication device. Ember was supposed to be keeping an eye on Stealth instead of scaring the shit out of her by getting herself shot in the head while trying to befriend her. Unless T'morra isn't using a communication device at all and Ember is actually the tree inside his headquarters. T'morra tells Ember to respawn and go recover Stealth.

T'morra's conversation is interrupted by Ric Starr, SPACE RANGER! Was every science fiction hero of the Silver Age named Star? I know my proof of theory only includes two people, Ric Starr and Star Hawkins, but isn't that enough? Ric is visiting to inform T'morra that Lonar the New God has joined forces with Blue Beetle.

Oh yeah. Ember is the tree.

And then Jediah Caul returns to Tolerance, destroying Ebon Guard ships live on Glimmernet. Stealth sees the reaction of Tolerance's citizens as they cheer the revolutionary underdog. Or maybe they just like seeing Green Lanterns make things with their green light. Whatever the reason, they're happy and on Caul's side. Stealth begins to believe that T'morra might be right about turning the people against The Hunted program. Lonar and Blue Beetle are also watching Caul's return to Tolerance while working out their own deal.

So will Blue Beetle be done after Threshold? Cured of his parasite? Nah. I bet he simply ends up on the Teen Titans.

Lastly, Star Hawkins sits depressed and drinking in his office having lost Ilda again. Brainiac deleted her before breaking Caul's back although Hawkins doesn't know that part of it. He just knows she never came back from her mission with Jediah Caul. But that's okay because he keeps a back-up flash drive of her personality! He just needs a new robot body for her.

And speaking of Star Hawkins, it looks like he's the back-up feature for this issue! That's good since the cover mentioned he would be. But this is DC Comics and you really can't put your faith in the veracity of the cover. You just pay your money and hope at least the title was right. And in some cases, like Aquaman, even that seems suspect when Aquaman barely even appears in the issue.

Case in point! The cover mentions Kolins as an artist in the issue but he was doing the Larfleeze back-up. The artists of the Star Hawkins back-up are Timothy Green II and Joseph Silver. Green and Silver! It's like a superhero team!

Star Hawkins has been hired by T'morra to find the Legendary First Hunted that has evaded capture since the game began. Turns out she's the woman behind The Crimson Thrust, the best Hunt Club on Tolerance. I suppose that's one way to keep from being captured. And The Crimson Thrust are ready to take Hawkins and Ilda's head to meet her.

Giffen is at his best when he's one or two degrees away from writing Ambush Bug.

Threshold #6 Rating: No change. I actually thought that Threshold would be the comic book that broke the trend of DC's "War Books" getting cancelled immediately. This isn't technically a war book even though it replaced G.I. Combat which replaced Men of War. Those two titles sucked and deserved to be canceled. I felt they took war too seriously which is exactly what a war comic doesn't need to do. They need to take the characters seriously, maybe exaggerate them a bit as fighting men, but then don't put them in normal war situations or modern terrorist battles. Men of War was almost good when they had a moment with Sgt. Rock meeting a super hero, but then it collapsed back into poorly sequenced battles and mundane battle scenes. Then, again, it almost got interesting when Sgt. Rock Junior encountered a group of seeming immortals, greats from battles across time. But there was no follow through and the story didn't go anywhere. G.I. Combat decided to bring back The War Wheel and The Haunted Tank, so it seemed to be trying to play up the outrageous World War II stories. But Nazis are over and done with. They can't continuously be the villainous specters of war until the end of time. I'm pretty sure they keep coming back as the inevitable enemy because they had great uniforms. They really popped!

I think I was going somewhere with this. Oh yeah! Threshold seemed like the non-war war book that could work. It's science fiction and set in deep space, so it was removed enough from the idea of real war to be fun. It has so many different characters that I can't remember them all but most of them (when I know who they are) have an interesting, individual story to tell. This is a book that could have run for a long time. I actually feel the least interesting character though is Jediah Caul, the main character. That might have hurt the book a bit. Maybe they should have lead with his becoming a Green Lantern because that was my favorite bit with him so far. He shot a Green Lantern in the head and the ring popped off the Lantern's finger and chose Caul as the successor. That's got to fuck you up a bit.

And what's going to happen to Captain K'rot? I hope we find out who took his leg before this comic is completely over.

Threshold #5

I've always considered "Brainiac" to be the most egotistical, narcissistic name a villain could choose for himself. Besides maybe Gigantic Penis.

I couldn't think up a more egotistical name than Brainiac that a female superhero could use because Gigantic Vagina doesn't have the same ring to it. Besides, the actual joke is about men and their brains and their penises anyway. So if you're female and you felt left out that I didn't include you in the opening joke, you probably shouldn't worry about it because it was making fun of men. I can make fun of women too but I hate being glared at as if I just broke ground on a concentration camp. So my policy is to never crack jokes* that degrade women**.

*By "jokes", I of course mean ranting, raving phrases placed one after the other in a specific way that amuses myself and maybe three other people.
**Please don't read any of my other commentaries.

On Tolerance, Ember and Stealth are reveling in a quiet, non-pursued moment of introspection and missing-chunk-of-the-city sightseeing. Or is it siteseeing since you're seeing a site (or a non-site in this situation)? Sightseeing seems redundant! I guess a site is just a site until it's been seen and then the person that has seen it declares it a sight to be seen by other sighters.

Oh god. Small Wonder was the most uncomfortably awkward show ever to be poorly written and created for syndication. I blame it and Pippi Longstockings for ruining my Sundays while growing up. Not that I didn't watch Pippi every time I found it on television. The dubbed voices and weird actors creeped me out but I learned how to live from Pippi! Horses in the house? Check! Monkeys in waistcoats with surnames? Check! Candy for breakfast? Check! Chests full of gold dubloons? Well, not yet but I've still got plenty of time! Those are harder to come by when your father is an alcoholic but not a pirate.

And then Threshold surprises me. Perhaps it was because I was distracted by Pippi Longstockings. Or maybe it's just that I was only on Page Two of the comic book. But I definitely wasn't expecting this:

Oh Ember. You were annoying and drawn in many awkward poses, but I'm actually very saddened by this.

On the next page, the reader gets to watch Ember bleed out across six panels just in case the reality of her being shot in the head hasn't quite sunk in. Stealth runs away to go find a nice safe alcove to stand very still in so that she can remain invisible while she thanks her lucky rabbit's foot that it wasn't her.

Speaking of contrived turns of phrase wedged into a sentence simply to give me a meaningless segue, Captain K'rot and Jediah Caul have ended their fight with Adonis seeing as how they've all been collected by Gigantic Penis. Obviously not being killed by citizens playing The Hunt is still the most important goal of Caul but now he needs to get himself uncollected as well. And since he's making friends with Adonis, he should be able to finish up his quest to get his power battery which might help with all of his other quests as well.

I'm also hoping to get the story on why his Power Ring is embedded in his chest.

Adonis gives Caul access to his tesseract warehouse because who wouldn't want a Green Lantern owing you a favor? Especially when you've been shrunk down as an action figure for Gigantic Penis. Saving people in situations like this is exactly why Green Lanterns were created! Actually, I have no idea why Green Lanterns were created. I suppose The Guardians of the Universe wanted to be the universal Chosen Ones and the best way to do that was to subject the rest of the Universe to their rule and their Green Thugs. As an American, I think there is an apt analogy that I just can't put my finger on.

Caul experiences one of those crises of conscious I've heard tell some people occasionally go through. He considers skinning out of there on the Lonar's horse (unless his horse is the motorcycle), Thunderer, but just like Chavez E. Chavez, he comes back to save the day. Kind of.

Drinking in the morning?! But what liquor pairs well with Froot Loops?

Gigantic Penis begins assessing possible damages to his collection while he blows out the brains of the person that brokered the deal for this piece of Green Lantern infested real estate. It's probably a lot like finding termites in your new home. Except this termite has the potential to kill you.

Back in the bottle, things are looking up for two-thirds of the characters.

Hopefully for Adonis's sake, slugs have their brains in their butts.

Well then. Hope does spring eternal!

Shoot the penis/vagina! I bet it's in the penis/vagina!

I went to Wikipedia to fact check the fact in my head that said slugs are hermaphrodites and ended up reading this pair of sentences that will haunt me until the brain cells retaining the information die: "In apophallating species, the penis curls like a corkscrew and during mating, it often becomes entangled in the mate's genitalia. Apophallation allows the slugs to separate themselves by one or both of the slugs chewing off the other's penis." According to Intelligent Design, God hates slugs.

God: "Well, my new little slug friends, I've given you a penis that sometimes gets tangled up in the vagina. But since I hate non-heterosexuals and you slugs are just freaks since I gave you both sets of genitals, I figured you needed to be punished! So occasionally after mating, you're going to have to chew off your own penis. Also, you'll melt when you touch salt. Don't worry, it'll all make sense when you read about what I do to Sodom and Lot's Wife in the future. It's a whole theme thing I'm working on! Anybody looking really closely will realize there are no coincidences and the whole of my creation adds up to the inescapable fact that I exist! The only trouble is that Lot will chew off his own penis after having sex with his daughters but nobody will fucking document it because of the patriarchal culture of the time! And how is anyone going to see My grand plan when Mankind keeps rewriting history?! Fucking Free Will Clause. Why did I screw myself? Oh! It's like I'm the Slug now! It's as if this was all created by an Intelligence greater than my own!"

Jediah Caul uses his great selfishness and/or willpower to escape from the Collector's Mucus Membrane Jar. It's pretty disgusting, actually. Tom Raney might as well have just pasted in photos of a woman giving birth and colored them all green. Caul grows really, really big until the mucus membrane breaks and he escapes into Gigantic Penis's ship where he meets Gigantic Penis. But Gigantic Penis doesn't want to fight him here in his ship because it could damage his collection. So he suggests taking the fight elsewhere. Or, possibly, just allowing Caul to leave.

Hey! You forgot your rabbit!

I suppose Captain K'rot is going to have to escape by riding Thunderer out of the tesseract warehouse. I'm sure a New God's steed can Boom Tube on command.

In the back-up story, Larfleeze manages to convince Sayd that he didn't kill Sayd because Sayd was one of his possessions and he loves his possessions. Sayd buys the logic and allows herself to be sucked back into the ring. Like Colombo or Trixie Belden or Sherlock Holmes or Velma, Stargrave the Butler believes he has figured out the answer to this mystery but he's going to hold his tongue for a more exciting reveal at the end.

Giffen may not have created Larfleeze but he's quickly attaining Ambush Bug status for me. Maybe Robert Loren Fleming should be hired on to co-write the Larfleeze monthly.

Stargrave helps Larfleeze realize he's fucked up in the head. Larfleeze has a chat with a non-existent Orange Sayd that's basically just a post-hypnotic suggestion. He realizes that he stole all of his own stuff and destroyed it. Along with his Orange Power Battery. Now what is he going to do? Does he need to get a Yellow Battery and a Red Battery and charge off of those at the same time? Also, does that mean Fear and Anger equal Greed? Whatever he comes up with, the story won't be told in Threshold!

Next month's feature should be about Captain K'rot and his escape from Gigantic Penis by riding Thunderer through a Boom Tube.

Threshold #5 Rating: +2 Ranking. I hope I can stand Larfleeze in twenty page increments as opposed to eight page chunks! I hope he kills some D-List DC Characters so they can forever be part of the Orange Lantern Corps.

Threshold #4

This fold-out just seems like a non sequitur. "Trapped inside the bottle city of...donkey balls!" "Trapped inside the bottle city of...trout!" "Trapped inside the bottle city of...bottle city!"

I guess the reason Jediah Caul has been without his power battery is that it's been miniaturized and shoved inside one of Brainiac's tiny cities. That seems about par for the course in the DC Universe. Why can't things ever go smoothly? I guess because twenty pages of Jediah Caul taking a leisurely stroll then sipping some tea then going home for a relaxing nap wouldn't hold anybody's interests. Well, it would hold my interests.

Yeah, that last sentence was probably either a lie or self-delusion. I'm sure I'd bitch and moan through the whole comic.

The issue begins with some thing falling apart or turning into Brainiac or something. Then Ember follows Stealth around because Ember wants a best friend. And then Star Hawkins, Ace Space Detective, and his robot Ilda convinced Jediah Caul that the host of The Hunted, Adonis, had his Green Power Battery.

I should condense all of my commentaries down to really short summaries like this! That's all the stuff I need to remember when I begin reading Threshold #5 next month! Everything else is just padding and bullshit to entertain other people. It's not like I asked other people to want to be entertained! The internet is a big place. Go read somebody else's synopsis of Threshold #4 if I'm boring you! This whole blog was only meant to supplement my failing memory anyway!

Man, why am I so abrasive and short-tempered? What a jerk!

I do like Ilda. Ilda is Hawkins' Assista-bot. Her mind has been imprinted with Hawkin's dead ex-wife's memories, so they're constantly bickering and tearing each other down. It's the healthiest relationship I've seen in a long time.

Meanwhile K'rot and Sleen are considering how to break into Adonis the Slug's house to get the battery as well.

This simplifying thing is great! Why didn't I think of it sooner?!

Meanwhile, the Lady Styx has given Adonis's section of town over to the Collector (the Brainiac AI!) for shrinkage. Something about a non-aggression pact or something. I should probably scan a picture here.

So he's going to be miniaturized while miniature?

On the way in, Ilda notices a robot that isn't a robot at all. It's actually a rabbit. A robot rabbit. Caul instantly decides it must be K'rot because how many giant, anthropomorphic bunnies can there be in the DCnU, right? So he jumps over to K'rot so he can give him what-for for the Blue Beetle incident.

That works out nicely. As long as K'rot isn't lying.

To argue with each other, Caul dropped his miniature disguise and K'rot dropped his robot disguise. Ilda informs them that they may have made a bit of a mistake.

Maybe this will work to their advantage. I don't know how! I'm not writing it!

I just realized even these simply sentences summarizing the story are taking up too much time! I wonder if there's a way to shorten even these and still somehow remember what happened in the story?

Adonis the Slug realizes that once the Collector sucks up his neighborhood, they may lose some of their contestants. Adonis is on his way off the premises and he's got the folded space warehouse where the Power Battery is kept. It's a tiny sphere he can't stop fondling as he goes about his business.

You know, I'm glad K'rot looks like a rabbit and Adonis looks like a slug. There are so many characters running around Tolerance that I've been having trouble identifying all of the humanoids. Stealth, Ember, Space Ranger Rik Starr, Space Detective Hawkins, T'morra the Rebel Leader, Ilda the Assista-Bot with an attitude, and probably more that I can't remember which is why I'm so confused.

Well, that's one less humanoid I have to keep straight!

Ilda blows herself up to destroy the security coming for Caul and K'rot. But she'll probably be back to confuse me with another look since she has Caul take her memory chip before he continues on to find Adonis.

K'rot finds Adonis just before he boards his ship and fires tiny little Caul onto Adonis's head. Once Adonis boards, Caul turns back to normal and begins wrestling with the slug. Man, that should be an easy fight! The longer it goes, the worse the slug man is going to fare! Caul is human so he'll begin sweating and then Adonis will begin dissolving! Although Adonis thinks he's some kind of tough guy. He may look fancy, but he claims to be a mean bastard.

So it's the same as human puberty.

Because of the squabbling, Adonis never gets clear of the Collector. The story ends with Brainiac admiring his new city in a bottle, Tolerance's Sh'oiki Borough. And it comes with better than life action figures of Jediah Caul, Captain K'rot, and Adonis the Fancy Slug!

Meanwhile in the back-up story, all hell is breaking loose at the Space Truck stop, The Brimming Trough. L.E.G.I.O.N. has attacked so they can bring Branx Rancor into custody. But then they decided they could grab up the Star Rovers as well! But Larfleeze kind of needs these guys too, so he's not going to let this happen. And then there's the added chaos of Larfleeze's rogue Orange Lantern Corps. One thing's for certain: The Brimming Trough's insurance premiums are going up.

The New 52 needs more whimsical, crazy, fantastic shit like this. Seriously.

Stargrave, Larfleeze's Alfred, tells Larfleeze that the Orange Constructs are stealing him. That's what makes Larfleeze flip the fuck out and he's able to return the constructs to his ring. The L.E.G.I.O.N. Bots have all been destroyed. So I think everyone is free to get back to searching for Larfleeze's stuff! Except there's still the matter of paying Branx Rancor for his service. Branx wants to be paid something and Larfleeze thinks "something" is too high.

I think at least 10 of the 52 titles should be given to Threshold and its characters! There are too many for just this one book and they're all more fun than those grim, pathetic, super heroes all losing their friends and sidekicks and brothers and butlers!

Stargrave makes a deal with Rancor and doesn't tell Larfleeze. Everybody thinks they're getting what they want and there's no shame so now they can all go about the business of finding Larfleeze's stuff. All that's left is for Rancor to touch Larfleeze to get a hint of his essence so he can track down the treasure. And Rancor tracks Larfleeze's treasure down to Larfleeze. Well at least that bit of treasure hunting shouldn't cost too much. Larfleeze is super happy that Larfleeze is the thief which pisses off the real thief to no end.

I like Larfleeze so much that I often forget he's a mass murderer and all of his Orange Constructs are his victims. Creepy.

Threshold #4 Rating: +2 Ranking. I have a confession to make: I am in love with Threshold's back-up story. It's witty and intelligent and silly and whimsical and goofy and smart and has a crazy, beautiful art style. It's what I want in my comic books. Let's have less sad comic books putting their lead characters though misery and more crazy, over-the-top, fun and smart comic books. Mature content does not have to mean death and sadness.

Threshold #3

Another day, another drunken rabbit in space comic.

Spring is here and with it comes the soul crushing realization that rebirth is simply an illusion, a cruel hoax played on humankind by the natural world. "Rejoice! Spring is here!" sing the youthful, skipping through fields, fucking passionately in the meadows, drunk from the scent of newly budding flowers and fresh fallen rain. But where is the rebirth for my aching body, growing wearier and wearier year after year? The joy of the eternal is only for the severely self-deluded and those still riding the crest of the wave of youth. For those that have been pushed past the peak, quickly descending the other side of the wave, spring is a harsh joke and a worse reminder than winter's stark cold that it all must soon end.

What I'm trying to say is, "Happy Spring everybody!"

What I really wanted to say, having the bunny theme already set up, was, "Happy Easter everybody!" But being that most of the denizens of the internet are entirely too literal, I would have received an influx of "It's not Easter" messages. But it is spring! So like death swooping down magnificently on an old woman clutching her chest and gasping for breath, I've nipped that problem in the bud!

Besides, if I say something like "Happy Easter", people might read into the religious connotations of my sentiment as if every religious holiday hasn't been completely co-opted by secularists. I guess it's only fitting since the religious co-opted the pagan ritual days. I can't wait until another thousand years has passed and Easter becomes a day where everybody barricades their doors and hides in the bomb shelters because the grenade lobbing death bunny has once again risen from the grave, hop-hop-hopping down that bunny trail to eviscerate your children and leave their bloody hearts in a basket on your doorstep.

Who are the numb-monkeys that made decompression so popular? I'm not a man of violence unless a huge, well-muscled man attacks me for no reason and I happen to be carrying a skateboard but if I would allow myself an act of violence on anybody in the world, it's the people that respond to forum posts with TL;DR. Stop reveling in your ignorance and your short attention spans and thinking that people who enjoy the act of communication are somehow jerks for trying to make you read words. What these forum assholes are really saying is, "I'm an asshole and an idiot and I think typing four letters and a piece of punctuation is a sufficient critique of your ability to put together a coherent thought.

Now all the smarmy assholes are chomping at the bit to reply to this post with TL;DR. Although who the fuck reads any of my long-winded commentaries if they're that type of internet monkey?! I've never been known for brevity. Incoherent rambling? Check! Short, succinct analyses of pop culture media? Maybe if you break it down into snippets and you categorize each of my comments as a brief analysis of a specific moment in time, you might think of my writing as a series of "brief analyses" which cut deep into the heart of some archetypical landscape of our collective hopes, dreams, and fears.

Meanwhile in the comic book, the furries are stealing weapons.

Don't get me wrong! I appreciate the utility of a well-placed TL;DR. Sometimes a person will use it on their own post when they know some of the information they're placing in the text might be more technical or more complicated than the average person scanning the web might be in the mood for. But they feel the message is of some import, so a TL;DR note at the bottom summing up the text is helpful. Then the meat of the argument/message/whatever is there for those interested, and the synopsis of the message is also clear for those just speeding through on their way to more cat videos. But as a response to somebody else? It ranks right up there with "Meh". And ranking high, in this context, means it sucks. In my mind, it's always preferable to read somebody's disagreements with what I have to say than to have them respond as if they either didn't read it (in the case of TL;DR) or as if their time is too important or their intellect too great to say anything more than "Meh." "Meh" is only used in an insulting way. You might as well not even post. Or if you begin with "Meh" and then respond anyway, how about you just leave the "Meh" off, hunh, you condescending douchebaggy banana turnip.

Meh.

Wow. That was remarkable! Invigorating! Why am I wasting so many words writing about comic books and pointing out the good and the bad when I can just review each one with a "Meh" or an "Epic!" Holy shit. Why the fuck am I wasting so much time with my own thoughts?! "Meh" is the ultimate criticism! It can't be argued against! It derides just the right amount to show the other person is an unthinking bottom feeder and I'm that person's superior! It's also not very entertaining but I can live with not being very entertaining, can't I? Especially when I suddenly have so much more time to live! I shall embrace the "Meh"! I shall live by the code of the "TL;DR"! I shall become an INTERNET GOD!

Hey Sea Green Fish Face! That's the same question I asked last Commentary!

I wonder how remorseful Jaime Reyes is going to be about killing all of these innocent bystanders once he gains control again? Perhaps he just won't have to deal with it since he's unconscious underneath the Reach armor after being kicked in the head by that silly rabbit.

I can't believe I keep talking through this Hunted Live Feed. I'm like your jerk parents that can't watch a movie without constantly asking questions throughout the whole thing. "How big do you think that guy's prick is?" "Do you think she's completely shaved?" "How old do you think that actor was before he got his first hemorrhoid?" "Do you still love me?" I should get back to The Hunted since it's gotten particularly exciting now.

Fucking gimmicks!

Caul runs into a a Hunt Club called The Eradicators. But before they get a chance to kill him, Blue Beetle comes rampaging onto the scene to destroy their hopes and dreams. You see, Blue Beetle is still in his grace period. So the Hunt Club can't defend themselves against him. They can! But if they kill him, they'll end up replacing him on the show as one of the hunted. So their only real choice is to die. Okay, that's not much of a choice. I guess they could try to run.

See? They've come to the same conclusion!

Luckily for these Crimson Thrust wannabes, Jaime Reyes comes to and suppresses the Scarab's penchant for evisceration. Jaime flies off to go to ground, so to speak, while Caul breathes a sigh of relief. He also sighs because Hawkins and his robot bodyguard Ilda have caught up to him. Hawkins is a Hunted who disguises himself with Matches Malone Cloaking Technology. He's been trying to get Caul to follow him back to a "blind point" where the Live Feeds can't find them. It's kind of a Hunted Refugee Camp. Caul hasn't been interested until now. Why now? Because Hawkins tells him that he's found his power battery.

Meanwhile Captain K'rot is arguing with Sleen (who, it turns out, is a kitten and not a raccoon. Which means I can still have a weird, furry, inappropriate crush on her) about leaving Caul to the Reach Warrior. Apparently Caul is supposed to be their friend. But Captain K'rot is the Han Solo type. He ain't got friends, princess! He just has a gigantic sidekick and, well, in this case, a sexy raccoon/kitten/human hybrid. I wonder if she knocks over garbage cans at night and goes fucking batshit over dangled string? I wonder why Han Solo didn't have a sexy raccoon/kitten/human hybrid? While they're arguing their argument that will probably end up with Captain K'rot feeling guilty and coming back to save Luke's life, she mentions his missing leg.

If Liefeld hadn't been allowed to fuck up Lobo's Reboot appearance, I'd guess it was Lobo that took his leg. It would have been awesome to see Lobo flying his space hawg with a gigantic rabbit's foot hanging off the handlebars.

Before Captain K'rot can feel guilty (which I'm not sure he can), a green butler appears to offer Captain K'rot a job for 50,000 credits. He wants Captain K'rot to retrieve Caul's power battery. That either puts him at odds with Hawkins or means the green butler actually works for Hawkins. Whatever the case, it means Captain K'rot will be remaining on Tolerance for a bit longer.

Meanwhile, Space Ranger Ric Starr has brought Stealth back to the Refugee Bar where T'morra (the leader of the refugees? I think?) recruits other Hunted players to the rebellion. The current known members of T'morra's little group are Hawkins, Ric Starr, Ember, and Ilda (if a Robot Bodyguard can be a member). They seem to be getting Caul with the Power Battery lure. And now they've got a proposal for Stealth.

Everybody loves a rebellious underdog! As long as they keep that love and admiration hidden from the prying eyes of the ruling government.

Meanwhile Blue Beetle is being recruited for the cause by Lonar, another Hunted who believes he's a God. Or a New God. I'm not entirely sure what the difference is! I think it has something to do with Jimmy Olsen. His steed, Thunderer, does not make an appearance. At least not yet.

Later in the back-up story, Larfleeze is busy trying to retrieve his stolen possessions with the help of the Star Rovers and, apparently, this other guy.

I'm actually surprised he doesn't have a giant rabbit's foot hanging from his belt.

This is the famous Branx Rancor! Famous in that he was mentioned by Sleen earlier in the non-back-up story.

See? Famous!

The Star Rovers and Larfleeze strike a deal with Branx for his help.

I have a feeling Branx is going to be less likable than Lobo. I like him!

The deal is going as smoothly as one would expect between a narcissist like Larfleeze and a misogynist like Branx when L.E.G.I.O.N. shows up. They were hunting Branx and his companion and now they can add the smugglers, The Star Rovers, to their list of people to apprehend.

L.E.G.I.O.N.'s apprehension of a bunch of criminals in a starside cafe is going as smoothly as possible where a bunch of innocent people are caught up in the crossfire of an authoritarian military regime and a bunch of space villains when Larfleeze's rogue orange constructs decide to crash the party.

Be with us next issue for "Star Rover, Star Rover, Send Rancor on Over" or "Orange You Glad We Didn't Say Banana."

Threshold #3 Rating: +2 Ranking. I could have hated this entire issue and I'd still love that it's left me with the anticipation of some character showing up in the future with a giant rabbit's foot attached to his belt.