Threshold The Drinking Game #8

Who cares about Caul? There's a space cupcake shop nearby!

What a surprise! Threshold, DC's next attempt at a War Comic (science fiction but still their war comic!) only made it eight issues! Just like Men of War. And Just like G.I. Combat. Although this series was actually good while the other war comics were just awful. I'm glad DC keeps trying but they've got to figure out how to sell non-Batman comic books already. And I think I know how! Here's what you do, DC: kill off Batman. Just kill him off. Then hint around that Bruce Wayne is actually undercover as a different super hero in the DC Universe! And the cover of every comic book after killing off Batman should read, "Is this really Bruce Wayne?!" And then have Bruce Wayne in a Catwoman suit looking sexy or wearing Superman's cape and diving off of a building. People will go mad trying to figure out who is now Bruce Wayne!

Although what will actually happen is that all the Batman fans will simply stop reading and proclaim that DC sucks and has always sucked. So actually, I don't have any ideas about how to sell more comics. DC, I suppose your solution is as good as it gets: just put Batman and Superman in every single comic book.

Batman and Superman aren't in this comic book. So you can move along to one that does now. But I have to read it. It's, like, mandatory and shit.

Last issue I believed that Jediah Caul, Green Lantern, was teleported to Lady Styx for some diplomatic business. But instead he's ended up in the Office for Intergalactic Visas battling a mob of bureaucrats.

Uh oh. I'm pretty sure she's from HR. Or the equivalent since these aren't exactly humans.

You know, I only write these commentaries so I can reread them when a new issue of the comic comes up and catch up quickly on what was happening previously. But since this is the final issue of Threshold, I don't have to write a commentary about it! Yay! We should all just get drunk instead! Yay! Or eat a lot of cookies if you're not into getting drunk. I guess it depends on which you'd rather deal with: a hangover or twenty extra pounds? Fuck it! Let's get drunk AND eat cookies!

Let's just turn this comic book into a drinking game, okay? Let me make up some rules. How about twenty of them?

1. Whenever a character says "literally", you have to take a shot. If they use it correctly (very rare!), you get to eat a cookie instead!
2. Whenever a character defies another character (without violence), drink.
3. Whenever a character acts rationally and engages in normal conversation when confronted with defiance or potential violence, eat a cookie!
4. Drink every time somebody is punched or kicked or hit with a light construct.
5. Eat a cookie every time a light construct is used in a helpful manner, like to save lives or fix a tea pot.
6. Finish your drink whenever a character dies.
7. Eat a cookie every time Keith Giffen writes a meta-textual statement.
8. Drink after every time you turn a page.
9. Finish your drink if Captain K'rot's leg kidnapper is revealed.
10. Eat three cookies if Lonar calls his motorcycle, "Thunderer."
11. Drink whenever Batman makes an appearance.
12. Two drinks when Star Hawkins' robot assistant insults him.
13. Eat a cookie if Ember kisses somebody.
14. Finish your drink if The Hunted game show is cancelled.
15. Drink if Captain K'rot's Raccoon lady friend makes another appearance; eat a cookie of Captain K'rot's friend Pig Iron returns.
16. Drink and eat a cookie if Adonis is still alive.
17. Down three shots if Blue Beetle is returned to Earth.
18. Finish your drink if T'morra's bartender betrays the rebellion.
19. Eat a cookie every time Stealth is in a panel and not using her power.
20. Drink every time Stealth is in a panel and using her power. Finish a full beer if this never happens by the end of the comic.

I think I've covered most of what might happen! Now I'll just scan in the pictures which match one of the rules! Everybody ready? Let's go!

I'm calling five drinks on Page One due to violation of Rule #4! At least five bureaucrats are involved in the fracas with Jediah, so they're either pummeling or being pummeled.

Drink because we're turning to Page Two (Rule #8)! Oh man. I hope nobody decided to start out with Tequila because the first panel on Page Two is going to fuck you up.

Nine people hit with a light construct! Drink nine times thanks to Rule #4!

The next few panels are the ones I initially scanned. I think those call for eating a cookie because the Human Resources Manager calms the violence by being rational (Rule #3). It was about time to eat a cookie anyway!

Page Three sees quite a few violations of Rule #2 thanks to Caul acting like a typical Green Lantern and thinking nobody has any authority over them except maybe the stupid Oans.

Two drinks for two acts of defiance by Caul (Rule #2) and one drink for Lady HR's deescalation with her mind powers (Rule #3. I think mind powers can be considered being rational).

Turning to Page Four, so take a drink (Rule #8)! Oh, but first take a drink because of Batman's appearance on the inside cover (Rule #11). I almost missed that one!

Page Four has five panels with Stealth not using her powers, so eat five cookies (Rule #19)! And be sure to wash them down with a drink because we're turning to Page Five now (Rule #8). I'm not counting advertisements as story pages. But they will count for Batman appearances!.

Whoa. Page Five is a bit crazy. Let me scan it in and we'll tally up what happens and maybe make a couple of judgment calls.

Remember how I compared this place to Cheers last commentary? Well, it's time to break down the set!

Holy shit. This page alone makes it look like I already read this comic before making my rules because it's a fucking guzzlefest. First off, eat a cookie for the first panel's meta-text commentary on the cancellation (Rule #7)! Second, I think we can call this as the bartender betraying the Rebellion since she was working with The Hunted game show by running this Hunted Set so finish your drink (Rule #18). Now be sure to get another completely full drink and finish it because The Hunted game show has been cancelled (Rule #14). Eat one more cookie because Stealth appears on panel without using her power (Rule #19). I think that's everything! Be sure to get another drink ready because we're turning to Page Six now (Rule #8).

Don't listen to the Bartender/Actress! Rules are not made to be broken! Stop trying to skip eating cookies and drinking drinks just because you're getting slammed by this game!

Page Six gives us a bit of relief from drinking. But we do need to eat three cookies due to two appearances by Stealth (Rule #19) and one metatextual comment about "Mysteries in Space" (Rule #7). See, Mysteries in Space is another old DC Anthology Title which this guy is going to go star in. That wasn't meant to be patronizing for all y'all who already knew that. I just figured some people might be wondering why they were eating that third cookie! Although who really needs a fucking reason to eat a third cookie?

Take a drink because we're moving on to Page Seven (Rule #8)!

I think this counts as defiance! Rule #2! Drink up, bitches!

It's a good thing it's five in the morning and I couldn't purchase any alcohol before reading this or I might be on the floor by now puking up Oreos.

Turning to Page Eight, drink up (Rule #8)! This page turning rule is just one of those arbitrary rules in a drinking game that simply allows everybody to drink because why are you playing a drinking game if you don't want to drink at all anyway?

Caul gets his back healed by an Omnidoc on Page Eight so he doesn't have to use his Green Lantern Brace anymore. If he'd made that brace during this issue, it would have been time to eat a cookie thanks to Rule #5! As Caul is led by Lady HR to get some answers about why The Hunted is ending, they pass by a scene that deserves one cookie for Rule #7 (meta-textual commentary) and three shots for sending Blue Beetle home (Rule #17).

Oh. I think a drink is in store for Caul's defiance as well (Rule #2).

Drinkity drink up because we're turning to Page Ten (Rule #8)! Caul is led into the Office of the person running The Hunted: T'morra! I still think this allows for the full drink judgment call on his bartender earlier. They were just in it together is all!

Just to be on the safe side, I think we should chug an entire drink with a couple of cookies crumbled into it in honor of Rule #7, Meta-textual commentary, simply based on the overall premise of this entire issue!

Turning to Page Twelve, so chug-a-lug (Rule #8). Just a little bit! One tiny drink! So maybe I used chug-a-lug incorrectly. It's not like I was ever sober enough to learn proper usage in situations when people were using it! Anyway, get your drinks and cookies ready for more!

So this is where Blue Beetle actually returns. Don't worry, you don't have to drink again. Unless you want to!

I suppose we'll count the above panel as four drinks thanks to Rule #4 (Punching and shit!) and one cookie thanks to Rule #7 (meta-textual narrative concerning the reasons for introducing Lonar and Blue Beetle into the title). And another drink as I turn to Page Thirteen (Rule #8). You know, we wouldn't need to drink so much if the advertisements were placed more strategically.

Three drinks thanks to Rule #4 and two cookies thanks to Rules #3 and #7! And another drink as I'm going to be turning to Page Fourteen after this caption (Rule #8).

On Page Fourteen and Fifteen, Caul and T'morra simply discuss job offers. T'morra "offers" Caul a job starring in a new show about an inspirational hero that always tries to do the right thing. Caul, the soon-to-be actor, already understands the job of an actor fairly well when he realizes he's simply going to be a "walking, talking, propaganda-spewing shill." You should probably eat some cookies here due to Rule #7. I don't know how many. Whatever you feel comfortable with. And a drink as we turn to Page Sixteen (Rule #8).

Fuck it. Just eat all of your Goddamned cookies.

Rule #7 probably doesn't matter anymore since I told you to eat all of your cookies. But on Page Seventeen, T'morra mentions Space Cabby and how he's disappeared from everyone's memories.

If you've actually been playing the Threshold Drinking Game, you probably won't remember this. Or you'll simply assumed you hallucinated it.

Caul decides to join up and star in the show. He's put in costume and sent off to appear in the pilot episode. But it doesn't turn out quite like he expected.

Whoops! Rule #6! Finish your alcohol! Game over!

T'morra's big fake out was that Caul would get a Glimmernet show and everybody would make a ton of money. Instead, T'morra films Caul being murdered to establish the premise of his Glimmernet Show:

Fuck. I've scanned way too many pages of this thing. I'll have to do the back-up story scanless and with no drinking!

The back-up story reveals that Star Hawkins was the one to kill Caul when he suddenly materialized in front of a panicked Hawkins. So Hawkins is the guy T'morra is hunting in his new show! It outta be pretty exciting whenever it gets published in Super Pretend Imagination Land!

Threshold #8 Rating: +10 Drunkenness. So Men of War failed. G.I. Combat failed. Threshold failed. Is Mystery in Space next? Or maybe Ghosts? I'm kind of hoping for House of Secrets.

Threshold #7

Yay! A new character this issue: Goon the Offensive!

Now I'm sad that I'm going to be reading a comic book called Threshold and not a comic book called Goon the Offensive. And now I'm mad at comic book companies in general for no longer allowing comic books to be about comic books. Comic Books are really just the bottom of the heap of the super hero intellectual property. It's all about movies and television and merchandising and the comic book must play the support role for those greater money making opportunities. Which means comic books become watered down, vanilla stories that won't take chances for fear of ruining the image of the characters. Although the comic books are exactly the place that companies should be taking risks and telling controversial and insane and crazy and psychedelic stories that stride boldly across the boundaries of the status quo.

Maybe those kinds of stories would just suck coming from a corporate entity anyway. Those things I just mentioned do exist in comic books, just not in DC or Marvel comic books. Although I haven't been paying attention to Marvel's "reboot" so I can't exactly say what's going on there right now. Anyway, thinking about a title called Goon the Offensive made me realize to what extent DC's comic book stories are truly limited.

The Hunted begins with Caul bemoaning his life as a Green Lantern. Nearby, Captain K'rot acts sympathetic. Not. You know what needs to come back? People appending "not" to the end of sentences! Not! Man, that's annoying! It confuses me that people continue to use it! In the 21st Century! I thought after the millennium, we would all agree to retire a few dozen things from humankind's cultural baggage. I figured high-fiving anybody older than two would be right out by now. I was also hoping that watching sports would have fully entered its ironic phase which would spell the end of it altogether in a few years. Except that's wrong too, isn't it? Because the actual cycle is people love something, then people hate on people loving that thing, then people begin to love that thing ironically, and then they all slip right back into actually loving that thing. And so we beat on, boats against the current, blah blah blah. If F. Scott Fitzgerald were here right now, I'd high-five him! Not!

God I hate myself.

Instead of words, here is a picture of a drunk, anthropomorphic space rabbit with a cybernetic leg.

Speaking of words, Threshold #7 is full of them! Jediah Caul continues his belly aching inside Narration Boxes after he charges his ring and grows back to normal size. He never wanted to be a hero and all that shit. So don't be a hero, Jediah! Be your own man! Don't feel shackled to the ring and the uniform just because it picked you! Fuck the Green Lantern image. It's not like they're currently respected anywhere in the galaxy right now anyway. I think most of the universe's population expect you to act like a selfish asshole at this point.

There you go! Good man!

Caul ends up thinking better of it and rescues the Collected Neighborhood to return it to Lady Styx. Fucking chump.

Back on Tolerance, The Hunted are living in fear, running for their lives, and fighting Hunt Clubs to the death!

Not?

According to the previous scene, the television show Cheers was an accurate portrayal of a life and death struggle of human prey being hunted by legalized murder clubs. I suppose Cheers is a microcosm of the cast of every single story every told when you gather them into a bar to relax away from whatever their true story is. Now that this revelation has suddenly descended upon me (although, really, how much of a revelation is it? The gathering of people in a non-space to tell stories is possibly the first story!), I wish Cheers had never had any episodes outside of the confines of the bar. Now I'm disappointed that they occasionally told stories in the character's apartments and other places.

Stealth realizes that T'morra may have had a good idea with the televising the underdogs and getting the audience to love them better than money. She returns to join the Rebellion. Perhaps seeing Ember shot in the head also convinced her. Although as she walks into the bar, she does a double take at Ember's double. And Ember decides to tell Stealth her story!

Oh wait. That's it? That was worse than an episode of Cheers! ... wait for it ... Not!

Oh! I forgot about "wait for it"! That's pretty annoying too!

Caul gets a personal call from Lady Styx assuring him he's free to come back to Tolerance with her bit of city. Although I think she may be using "free" loosely since she's pretty much telling him he has to bring the city to her personally. So it's that kind of freedom. Like when the cops tell you you're free to come with them to the station. Or the government tells you you're free to pay taxes. Or your sexual partner tells you you're free to fuck whomever you want to fuck.

How cute! Despero's little brother is a news anchor in the Tenebrian Dominion!

For the whoever is keeping records, I should make this statement: Ember has to be one of the best characters to come out of Threshold. Okay, now everything else is off the record! I'll deny ever saying any of it! Especially that bit that Jelyde1 tricked me into saying about the Suicide Squad needing to swallow Resurrection Man's semen if they want to survive contact with the Samsara Project!

Those of you that have no idea what I'm talking about don't read enough Disqus Comments!

Caul places the district back where it belongs although it doesn't quite fit the same way that it used to. He has no way to return it to its normal size but that point is moot anyway when Lady Styx transports him to meet up with her. That's just speculation on my part when he disappears. And although I'm no Batman, I'd like to believe I can follow a fucking comic book story without anybody holding my hand. Although it would be nice to have somebody holding my hand while I read it. Or my cock.

Jesus Christ! No wonder Google Ads denied doing business with my Blog! It's filled with smut! And blasphemy!

Meanwhile (wow! I think this is my first 'meanwhile' segue so far today!), Lonar and Blue Beetle are looking to get into the teeny tiny Tolerance District. I'm pretty sure it's because Lonar needs to get his space motorcycle, Thunderer, out of Adonis's Storage Cube. Lonar drops the disguise on Blue Beetle so that Lonar can sneak into the tiny district while the crowd attempt to murder the fuck out of Blue Beetle. His only seeming defense is to take up the Bottled City and use it as a hostage.

Inside the Tiny Town, Lonar BOOOM tubes in and kills Adonis for the Storage Sphere (yeah, yeah. I got the shape wrong earlier!). Or seems to kill Adonis. Slugs are pretty elastic when it comes to concepts like "death" and "eating ones own genitalia."

I miss Captain K'rot's kitten-raccoon hybrid female friend.

Star Hawkins continues to star in his back-up story this issue as he heads off to meet the first ever contestant of The Hunted, the woman behind The Crimson Thrust. I kind of forget why he's going to see her though. Oh! It's probably because he's on a case! He's a Private Investigator of the Stars! He's super famous.

Before I continue, let me say that Larfleeze #1 wasn't as funny as I was hoping. I sort of expected that extending Larfleeze from eight pages to twenty might make the joke wear a little thin. But I also think it was just a bit of those "not sure how to set up the comic" first issue kind of blues. Although the initial characterization of Larfleeze and his beginnings was nicely under-emphasized. We were introduced to a character that had a tragic life but now lies about the tragedy of it, even to himself. Anyway, what I was trying to say is this: Keith Giffen is fucking funny. He does funny well. This Star Hawkins short has some good laughs in it. And, as such, I think a lot of people who read Larfleeze #1 and were disappointed should really give it another shot. I have to stick with it because of this blog but I'd stick with it anyway because I trust Giffen to provide some really good laughs, even if Larfleeze #1 missed the mark somewhat. I wrote all that just to scan this next bit in because it's well funny. I think "well funny" is how they say "it made me smile a little bit" in that old Shakespearean language they continue to speak in London Town.

Not the biggest fan of not so much either. Not! Wait. How many "not"s is that? Am I saying I'm a fan or not?!

And the Legend Star Hawkins is looking for? Well, it turns out to be...wait a second. Are you sure you want to hear this? It'll completely ruin the surprise for when you go to the comic book shop and purchase a copy of this comic book which is cancelled anyway so what the fuck do I care if you continue to support it? Oh! I know why! DC might see the rise in numbers as a reason to put out a solo Ember comic book! Here, I'll give it to you in code so that if you don't want to know, accidentally seeing the name won't spoil it for you. I'll just randomize the letters in her name: Lady Styx.

You know, sometimes when you take a thing that goes in a certain order and randomize that thing, it still comes out in the normal order. That's true randomness! Besides, the two "y"s were switched around.

Threshold #7 Rating: +2 Ranking. It gets a +1 for both stories because I'm a fucking pushover for a tree girl and a nagging, disembodied robotic head. I've really been going easy on DC's comics lately! I might as well be receiving kickbacks for all the +1s I've been giving out!

Threshold #6

Ember is certainly looking much better.

According to the cover, Ember's head injury wasn't as terminal as the six panels of her lying in the street bleeding out had lead me to believe. That's the last time I allow a comic book death to fool me! I should have realized that unlike Catwoman who is only human and thus definitely dead from her head wound, Ember is an alien that has learned to survive The Hunt and probably has some kind of tricky advanced technology capable of keeping her alive.

But before I find out why Ember is still alive, Jediah Caul has to make his way back to Tolerance. He's currently sitting on a space rock outside of Brainiac's Skull-Jellyfish Hybrid Space Ship feeling sorry for himself because he's about to head back into Tolerance and The Hunted to save whats-her-name. I don't know what her name is because I'm not sure who he's talking about. Stealth? I don't think he's met Stealth yet. Ember? She's dead! But he is with her on the cover! So maybe her! My Raccoon/Kitten Hybrid Alien Crush whose name I've forgotten? Maybe Kit Kat? Was her name Kit Kat? One thing he's definitely not doing is considering rescuing Captain K'rot. Screw that guy!

Oh yeah. He means Ilda, Star Hawkins robot assistant with his ex-wife's personality. I think this comic book has too many characters for my feeble mind to remember them all. Maybe more alcohol would help!

Maybe if I ate breakfast more often, my memory would be better. I seem to remember a commercial where a bunch of kids spun around in circles and then fell over because they weren't eating their breakfasts. So maybe breakfast just helps with spinning around in circles. Boy, if my memory were better maybe I could remember how to make my memory better. Stupid memory. You're a failure!

One thing I do remember is that I kept calling Brainiac "Gigantic Penis" last issue for some reason!

Oh yeah! That was the reason! I guess Ilda and I think alike.

Jediah Caul returns to threaten Brainiac while Ilda has him under her control. But her control doesn't last long enough and Brainiac comes back, breaks Jediah's back paralyzing him from the neck down, and ejects Caul and the Tolerance Collection into space. I guess Tolerance wasn't worth much because what kind of a collector voluntarily gives up a piece of their collection? I've traded Magic the Gathering Cards with people before and they're ruthless bastards! Although I shouldn't say that about all of them. When I first began playing Magic the Gathering, my girlfriend and I were looking through our cards at a laundromat in Santa Clara. Now this was just after The Dark set had been released but we didn't know anything about how Magic sold cards in new sets and new releases. We just had starter decks. Some guy from Santa Clara University was there and saw us and broke out his Magic cards. He realized we were new to the game and was excited to share in our new found wonder of this weird ass game. You need to realize this was, shit, twenty years ago? Something like that. Magic was an odd little new type of game. Now CCGs are fucking everywhere but this was a new and fascinating concept back then. This guy gave us both a Maze of Ith which was pretty generous considering that it was the only Maze of Ith I ever owned even after buying many, many The Dark packs.

Actually that story was a lie! I've never played that nerdy game ever! I also never spent $20 on an Argivian Archaeologist card nor do I even know if that's a thing or not!

Meanwhile on Tolerance, T'morra is speaking with whoever Ember really is via some kind of communication device. Ember was supposed to be keeping an eye on Stealth instead of scaring the shit out of her by getting herself shot in the head while trying to befriend her. Unless T'morra isn't using a communication device at all and Ember is actually the tree inside his headquarters. T'morra tells Ember to respawn and go recover Stealth.

T'morra's conversation is interrupted by Ric Starr, SPACE RANGER! Was every science fiction hero of the Silver Age named Star? I know my proof of theory only includes two people, Ric Starr and Star Hawkins, but isn't that enough? Ric is visiting to inform T'morra that Lonar the New God has joined forces with Blue Beetle.

Oh yeah. Ember is the tree.

And then Jediah Caul returns to Tolerance, destroying Ebon Guard ships live on Glimmernet. Stealth sees the reaction of Tolerance's citizens as they cheer the revolutionary underdog. Or maybe they just like seeing Green Lanterns make things with their green light. Whatever the reason, they're happy and on Caul's side. Stealth begins to believe that T'morra might be right about turning the people against The Hunted program. Lonar and Blue Beetle are also watching Caul's return to Tolerance while working out their own deal.

So will Blue Beetle be done after Threshold? Cured of his parasite? Nah. I bet he simply ends up on the Teen Titans.

Lastly, Star Hawkins sits depressed and drinking in his office having lost Ilda again. Brainiac deleted her before breaking Caul's back although Hawkins doesn't know that part of it. He just knows she never came back from her mission with Jediah Caul. But that's okay because he keeps a back-up flash drive of her personality! He just needs a new robot body for her.

And speaking of Star Hawkins, it looks like he's the back-up feature for this issue! That's good since the cover mentioned he would be. But this is DC Comics and you really can't put your faith in the veracity of the cover. You just pay your money and hope at least the title was right. And in some cases, like Aquaman, even that seems suspect when Aquaman barely even appears in the issue.

Case in point! The cover mentions Kolins as an artist in the issue but he was doing the Larfleeze back-up. The artists of the Star Hawkins back-up are Timothy Green II and Joseph Silver. Green and Silver! It's like a superhero team!

Star Hawkins has been hired by T'morra to find the Legendary First Hunted that has evaded capture since the game began. Turns out she's the woman behind The Crimson Thrust, the best Hunt Club on Tolerance. I suppose that's one way to keep from being captured. And The Crimson Thrust are ready to take Hawkins and Ilda's head to meet her.

Giffen is at his best when he's one or two degrees away from writing Ambush Bug.

Threshold #6 Rating: No change. I actually thought that Threshold would be the comic book that broke the trend of DC's "War Books" getting cancelled immediately. This isn't technically a war book even though it replaced G.I. Combat which replaced Men of War. Those two titles sucked and deserved to be canceled. I felt they took war too seriously which is exactly what a war comic doesn't need to do. They need to take the characters seriously, maybe exaggerate them a bit as fighting men, but then don't put them in normal war situations or modern terrorist battles. Men of War was almost good when they had a moment with Sgt. Rock meeting a super hero, but then it collapsed back into poorly sequenced battles and mundane battle scenes. Then, again, it almost got interesting when Sgt. Rock Junior encountered a group of seeming immortals, greats from battles across time. But there was no follow through and the story didn't go anywhere. G.I. Combat decided to bring back The War Wheel and The Haunted Tank, so it seemed to be trying to play up the outrageous World War II stories. But Nazis are over and done with. They can't continuously be the villainous specters of war until the end of time. I'm pretty sure they keep coming back as the inevitable enemy because they had great uniforms. They really popped!

I think I was going somewhere with this. Oh yeah! Threshold seemed like the non-war war book that could work. It's science fiction and set in deep space, so it was removed enough from the idea of real war to be fun. It has so many different characters that I can't remember them all but most of them (when I know who they are) have an interesting, individual story to tell. This is a book that could have run for a long time. I actually feel the least interesting character though is Jediah Caul, the main character. That might have hurt the book a bit. Maybe they should have lead with his becoming a Green Lantern because that was my favorite bit with him so far. He shot a Green Lantern in the head and the ring popped off the Lantern's finger and chose Caul as the successor. That's got to fuck you up a bit.

And what's going to happen to Captain K'rot? I hope we find out who took his leg before this comic is completely over.

Threshold #5

I've always considered "Brainiac" to be the most egotistical, narcissistic name a villain could choose for himself. Besides maybe Gigantic Penis.

I couldn't think up a more egotistical name than Brainiac that a female superhero could use because Gigantic Vagina doesn't have the same ring to it. Besides, the actual joke is about men and their brains and their penises anyway. So if you're female and you felt left out that I didn't include you in the opening joke, you probably shouldn't worry about it because it was making fun of men. I can make fun of women too but I hate being glared at as if I just broke ground on a concentration camp. So my policy is to never crack jokes* that degrade women**.

*By "jokes", I of course mean ranting, raving phrases placed one after the other in a specific way that amuses myself and maybe three other people.
**Please don't read any of my other commentaries.

On Tolerance, Ember and Stealth are reveling in a quiet, non-pursued moment of introspection and missing-chunk-of-the-city sightseeing. Or is it siteseeing since you're seeing a site (or a non-site in this situation)? Sightseeing seems redundant! I guess a site is just a site until it's been seen and then the person that has seen it declares it a sight to be seen by other sighters.

Oh god. Small Wonder was the most uncomfortably awkward show ever to be poorly written and created for syndication. I blame it and Pippi Longstockings for ruining my Sundays while growing up. Not that I didn't watch Pippi every time I found it on television. The dubbed voices and weird actors creeped me out but I learned how to live from Pippi! Horses in the house? Check! Monkeys in waistcoats with surnames? Check! Candy for breakfast? Check! Chests full of gold dubloons? Well, not yet but I've still got plenty of time! Those are harder to come by when your father is an alcoholic but not a pirate.

And then Threshold surprises me. Perhaps it was because I was distracted by Pippi Longstockings. Or maybe it's just that I was only on Page Two of the comic book. But I definitely wasn't expecting this:

Oh Ember. You were annoying and drawn in many awkward poses, but I'm actually very saddened by this.

On the next page, the reader gets to watch Ember bleed out across six panels just in case the reality of her being shot in the head hasn't quite sunk in. Stealth runs away to go find a nice safe alcove to stand very still in so that she can remain invisible while she thanks her lucky rabbit's foot that it wasn't her.

Speaking of contrived turns of phrase wedged into a sentence simply to give me a meaningless segue, Captain K'rot and Jediah Caul have ended their fight with Adonis seeing as how they've all been collected by Gigantic Penis. Obviously not being killed by citizens playing The Hunt is still the most important goal of Caul but now he needs to get himself uncollected as well. And since he's making friends with Adonis, he should be able to finish up his quest to get his power battery which might help with all of his other quests as well.

I'm also hoping to get the story on why his Power Ring is embedded in his chest.

Adonis gives Caul access to his tesseract warehouse because who wouldn't want a Green Lantern owing you a favor? Especially when you've been shrunk down as an action figure for Gigantic Penis. Saving people in situations like this is exactly why Green Lanterns were created! Actually, I have no idea why Green Lanterns were created. I suppose The Guardians of the Universe wanted to be the universal Chosen Ones and the best way to do that was to subject the rest of the Universe to their rule and their Green Thugs. As an American, I think there is an apt analogy that I just can't put my finger on.

Caul experiences one of those crises of conscious I've heard tell some people occasionally go through. He considers skinning out of there on the Lonar's horse (unless his horse is the motorcycle), Thunderer, but just like Chavez E. Chavez, he comes back to save the day. Kind of.

Drinking in the morning?! But what liquor pairs well with Froot Loops?

Gigantic Penis begins assessing possible damages to his collection while he blows out the brains of the person that brokered the deal for this piece of Green Lantern infested real estate. It's probably a lot like finding termites in your new home. Except this termite has the potential to kill you.

Back in the bottle, things are looking up for two-thirds of the characters.

Hopefully for Adonis's sake, slugs have their brains in their butts.

Well then. Hope does spring eternal!

Shoot the penis/vagina! I bet it's in the penis/vagina!

I went to Wikipedia to fact check the fact in my head that said slugs are hermaphrodites and ended up reading this pair of sentences that will haunt me until the brain cells retaining the information die: "In apophallating species, the penis curls like a corkscrew and during mating, it often becomes entangled in the mate's genitalia. Apophallation allows the slugs to separate themselves by one or both of the slugs chewing off the other's penis." According to Intelligent Design, God hates slugs.

God: "Well, my new little slug friends, I've given you a penis that sometimes gets tangled up in the vagina. But since I hate non-heterosexuals and you slugs are just freaks since I gave you both sets of genitals, I figured you needed to be punished! So occasionally after mating, you're going to have to chew off your own penis. Also, you'll melt when you touch salt. Don't worry, it'll all make sense when you read about what I do to Sodom and Lot's Wife in the future. It's a whole theme thing I'm working on! Anybody looking really closely will realize there are no coincidences and the whole of my creation adds up to the inescapable fact that I exist! The only trouble is that Lot will chew off his own penis after having sex with his daughters but nobody will fucking document it because of the patriarchal culture of the time! And how is anyone going to see My grand plan when Mankind keeps rewriting history?! Fucking Free Will Clause. Why did I screw myself? Oh! It's like I'm the Slug now! It's as if this was all created by an Intelligence greater than my own!"

Jediah Caul uses his great selfishness and/or willpower to escape from the Collector's Mucus Membrane Jar. It's pretty disgusting, actually. Tom Raney might as well have just pasted in photos of a woman giving birth and colored them all green. Caul grows really, really big until the mucus membrane breaks and he escapes into Gigantic Penis's ship where he meets Gigantic Penis. But Gigantic Penis doesn't want to fight him here in his ship because it could damage his collection. So he suggests taking the fight elsewhere. Or, possibly, just allowing Caul to leave.

Hey! You forgot your rabbit!

I suppose Captain K'rot is going to have to escape by riding Thunderer out of the tesseract warehouse. I'm sure a New God's steed can Boom Tube on command.

In the back-up story, Larfleeze manages to convince Sayd that he didn't kill Sayd because Sayd was one of his possessions and he loves his possessions. Sayd buys the logic and allows herself to be sucked back into the ring. Like Colombo or Trixie Belden or Sherlock Holmes or Velma, Stargrave the Butler believes he has figured out the answer to this mystery but he's going to hold his tongue for a more exciting reveal at the end.

Giffen may not have created Larfleeze but he's quickly attaining Ambush Bug status for me. Maybe Robert Loren Fleming should be hired on to co-write the Larfleeze monthly.

Stargrave helps Larfleeze realize he's fucked up in the head. Larfleeze has a chat with a non-existent Orange Sayd that's basically just a post-hypnotic suggestion. He realizes that he stole all of his own stuff and destroyed it. Along with his Orange Power Battery. Now what is he going to do? Does he need to get a Yellow Battery and a Red Battery and charge off of those at the same time? Also, does that mean Fear and Anger equal Greed? Whatever he comes up with, the story won't be told in Threshold!

Next month's feature should be about Captain K'rot and his escape from Gigantic Penis by riding Thunderer through a Boom Tube.

Threshold #5 Rating: +2 Ranking. I hope I can stand Larfleeze in twenty page increments as opposed to eight page chunks! I hope he kills some D-List DC Characters so they can forever be part of the Orange Lantern Corps.

Threshold #2

But Blue Beetle is a contestant, isn't he? Can a Hunted claim the bounty on another Hunted? Maybe the bounty just gets tacked on to Blue Beetle's bounty. That's the way I'd design it if this were one of my many games.

Hey! Last commentary, I said: "Based on only the second page of the Larfleeze back-up story, I want a full sized Larfleeze comic book." And now DC has released this press release (what else would they do with a press release?): "DC Comics has announced new creative teams for each title in its Green Lantern line and confirmed a Larfleeze solo series." Do I have that kind of power?! In addition to driving Tom DeFalco from Superboy and getting The Ravagers canceled (all things I completely take credit for), did I also convince DC to do a Larfleeze monthly book?! Man! What other things should I demand? How about an Ambush Bug back-up story in Action Comics? Is the death of Aquaman asking too much? Yeah, that's probably too much since he's currently everybody's favorite loser. And judging by all the non-death happening in Suicide Squad, I don't think anybody is actually dying in The New 52 any time soon. Although Threshold is a place to tell dystopian science fiction survive any way you can kind of stories, so somebody better fucking die in this thing!

But don't let it be Brenda! She's Jaime's cute romantic love interest so she's got a target on her head five feet wide. Or more! Maybe five miles wide!

Hey! Let's see a picture!

This one page is better than the entire run of Grifter.

So now that even the dumbest of you know what The Hunted game show is about and you know which side you're supposed to root for, let's see if someone can kill Jediah Caul this issue! Because he's a bad thing! A really bad thing!

When the last episode of The Hunted ended, Stealth and Rik Starr (Space Ranger Extraordinaire! And kind of effeminate for your stereotypical space hero) were cornered by Crimson Thrust! No, that's not a sex act performed by a man on a female during her moon time. It's the most baddest assed, top rated, fan favorite Hunt Club! They have the most kills of all the other hunt clubs put together*!

*I made up that fact.

I wonder if I should start some kind of betting pool for this game? It might not be fair though since I obviously have DC's ear and they might be influenced by everyone's bets! I guess we can have an informal wager, right? And you all know what I mean by informal, don't you? That means a real wager but we're all going to deny that it was a real wager if any cops are reading this!

My money is on Jediah Caul! Nope! I picked him first! Y'all better pick someone else. If you pick a Hunted, it means you think that person will survive. If you pick a Hunt Club, you need to pick who you think they're going to kill! If this comic book were realistic (and it almost is!), Crimson Thrust would probably kill Stealth and Rik Starr (Space Ranger!) and Jediah Caul and Blue Beetle to boot! But I bet they're humiliated and never catch one person ever. They won't even catch Captain Carrot when his drunk ass is introduced! And he's just a stupid bunny rabbit!

Since Stealth has no other choice (well, the other choice (before I get to the first other choice) is simply running outside of Stealth's hideout and reenacting the ending to Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid minus the freeze frame), she decides to follow Rik Starr (Space Ranger!) to his possibly make believe "blind point".

I wonder what she means by "choke on it, 'space ranger'"? Is she trying to suggest something about these "space rangers"? Like perhaps they're not as manly as they might seem by the name of their organization? You know? Is she calling him a cocksucker?

Stealth has the power to turn invisible (shocking, right?!). But she's only invisible if she doesn't move. That's a pretty crappy power. That power is for cry babies and quitters! Or for people that have enough patience for the Crimson Thrust to move in close so she can cut the throat of Crimson Thrust #31. After she does that, she slaughters #8, #13, #7, and #42. She might also kill another one whose number I didn't get. And she blew up two others with a grenade before she made her escape although they weren't killed. But they were hurt bad enough that they might die now that their buddies are dead and can't get help!

Crimson Thrust is horrible at this game!

Meanwhile a couple of upper crust Happy People (one of them being Bleeding Adonis, the host of The Hunted), are discussing this season of the game.

Oh yeah! I forgot The Reach and the Green Lantern Corps are the deadliest of enemies! Except Blue Beetle's Reach Scarab is brain-damaged, so it probably won't be able to force Jaime to kill Jediah.

On the other hand (the first hand is the thing I mentioned in the caption about the brain-damaged Scarab), Jaime's carapace has been fitted with some kind of override tech which means The Scarab will finally get his way and be able to ignore Jaime's constant whining and moralizing. And in a bar somewhere on Tolerance, Jediah Caul is learning that a Reach Warrior is going to enter the game soon. And it's going to sniff out his residual ring energy like a thing with a good sniffer sniffing out something that smells like something it really likes.

So now what are people wagering? Is Blue Beetle going to kill Jediah Caul? Caul is basically defenseless with his ring uncharged. I guess he's going to have to seek help from Ember and her secret rebel group. Unless Jaime is somehow kidnapped from the game before he can even turn into the Blue Beetle.

What is Sleen supposed to be? A sexy space Raccoon?! She's my new favorite character! Sorry, Alysia and Brenda!

So Pig-Iron is also running around the pages of Threshold? I'm surprised DC didn't have to change his name as well. I wonder how much money they spent on lawyers trying to find out exactly how removed their characters had to be from the original Captain Carrot and the Zoo Crew before they could get away with not paying Scott Shaw? Probably a lot of money that they could have paid Scott Shaw while telling him to suck it because the new Captain K'rot doesn't pun and that's why he's different from the old Captain Carrot!

So Captain K'Rot and his New Zoo Crew Revue need to capture Blue Beetle so they can get a big payout from something called the Consortium. That sounds familiar but I'm too stupid and/or old and/or drunk to remember. And I've recently had a tiff with Lord Google since he seems to be trying to get me to use Google Chrome by passive aggressive means like nearly locking up Firefox every time I search for something. I guess that's kind of aggressive aggressive although he keeps failing at it. He's a dick. I might start hanging out with Viscount Bing instead.

Who thinks Yankee Poodle will make an appearance? Hopefully it'll be as Skanky Poodle.

Kicking Jaime in the head and knocking him unconscious is a big mistake due to the Carapace Override installed in him. The Scarab instantly takes over and begin shooting Reach Death Lasers at the New Zoo Crew Revue. They flee the scene and probably won't be chased because the Scarab will probably realize there is a Green Lantern to kill somewhere nearby.

In fact, he's really, really nearby! Caul has paid a visit to a recently dead gun runner friend of his (possibly killed by Caul after Caul arrived and was attacked and had to defend himself. It isn't made completely clear but that's what I've decided has happened) which just happens to be the first place Captain K'rot runs to when he wakes up the Reach Scarab.

I really should be plastering the original Captain Carrot's face on Captain K'rot but Captain K'rot just looks too cool.

And that's where The Hunted part of this issue ends! Next up, Larfleeze!

Larfleeze is currently trying to figure out who robbed him by questioning his butler, Stargrave.

I'm not sure I should like Larfleeze as much as I do. He's cuddly.

Larfleeze decides to enlist the help of the Star Rovers. It's a good thing I already learned all about Rick Starr (Space Ranger!) and the Star Rovers! I'm over-prepared for this issue! I'm not usually prepared on any level for anything! Is this what "pride" feels like?!

Since you've seen example after example of things I hate in comic books, here's a panel I especially love. Larfleeze just has a certain innocence to him that I find charming and lovable. If you hate the Larfleeze back-up story, we have nothing more to discuss. Good day!

After a brief attack by Larfleeze's Orange Army (an event that nobody can explain as of yet), the Star Rovers agree to work for free to help Larfleeze find his stuff. It's a little more complicated than all that. It's also funny and adorable. I like Larfleeze and I like his Space Alfred and I hope when Larfleeze gets his own book, it doesn't take itself seriously and begin crossing over with Green Lantern all of the time! It's about time for a funny, off-the-wall, not so serious, whimsical fucking book!

Threshold #2 Rating: +2 Ranking. Sure, I obviously really like the Larfleeze back-up story but I also like The Hunted story too. It's chock full of crazy characters and Captain K'rot did not disappoint me. Plus I guess I'm edging into furry territory by finding his cohort Sleen the Space Raccoon super sexy and cute. I just want to see her bury her face in a bowl of cat kibble. Um, in her underwear! I didn't mean to sound weird!

Threshold #1

Caul has yellow skin. Were yellow skinned aliens unrecruitable back when the Power Ring had the color yellow defect?

I don't see a yellow Green Lantern in the 1985 Who's Who entry on the Corps. Although the cover shows a bunch of Green Lantern's being defeated by Golden Glider's blonde hair. Worst cosmic guardians ever.

Let's talk about Threshold. Excuse me. Let me monologue about Threshold while you skim this part looking for the main plot points and juicy details and then completely ignore the comment section at the bottom of this post. I was pleased to hear that a science fiction based comic was DC's next attempt at the anthology war book. Keith Giffen writing is just a bonus. I expect it to be funny. I expect it to piss off the creator of Captain Carrot (with good reason, probably. Fucking monolithic comic book entertainment corporations!). I expect Blue Beetle to guest star if he isn't too busy joining the Teen Titans. I probably expect too much. Maybe I should just read it.

For those people that aren't forcing themselves to purchase every single DC Comic Book with "The New 52" on the cover so they didn't bother picking up the New Guardians Annual, here's a synopsis of the game show, The Hunted:

Who is this lovely lady alien? Or male alien. Perhaps hermaphroditic alien.

The issue begins with Jediah Caul, renegade Green Lantern, wandering through a crowded section of Tolerance when the go ahead to begin trying to murder him flashes up on a giant screen directly behind him. Everybody pulls out their lasers and begins hunting. Since his Green Lantern Ring has been locked down by some fascist device, he'll probably be killed in a few pages. Unless Stealth can come to his rescue!

Who's Stealth? I don't know but she's on the cover!

This person with the awkward spread eagle double kick attack is Ember. She's annoying.

Ember leads Jediah to the sewers where they can hide. She's apparently one of The Hunted that's been on the run for awhile using the Disguise Tech to remain safe. She and some other Hunted have organized and have safe zones they call Blind Points where the "smart dust" used for transmitting live feeds has been cleared away. She was trying to recruit the ex-Green Lantern to their cause but he ditches her once she saves him to go pout.

Meanwhile, Stealth is establishing her identity with Ric Starr, Space Ranger!

We'll learn more about Ric Starr in my next Who's Who entry!

Both Ric Starr and Stealth are being Hunted. With Stealth having been listed as M.I.A., it looks like both her and the Space Ranger are prisoners of war against Lady Styx. And by prisoners I mean contestants. And there are a lot of contestants currently playing the game!

These citizens are horrible at The Hunted. I thought Crimson Thrust were supposed to be amazing at this show.

Ric Starr lets Stealth know about the organized contestants and tries to bring her to their side as well. But she just wants to know how he found her. Ric tells her he didn't find her.

Oh, there they are! Go Crimson Thrust! What kind of name is that? I think it's slang on the level of Dirty Sanchez or Angry Dragon.

The parts of this issue featuring Caul were a bit flat. I think the scenes were meant to be carried by Ember and her perky, sassy attitude but I found her annoying in that "Giffen is off his mark on his banter" kind of way. But I liked the scenes with Stealth and Ric Starr. So I'm a little bit above neutral on this comic right now. I'd definitely pick up Issue #2 but I'd still be weighing whether it would make the pull list. You know, if I wasn't forced to buy it due to my obsessive blogging.

Based on only the second page of the Larfleeze back-up story, I want a full sized Larfleeze comic book.

There's a lot of fun stuff here but I think my favorite bit is Metron's chair. Or maybe Sayd's corpse? The Tardis? Mjolnir?

Larfleeze is writing a book about himself when he learns of another Orange Lantern and flies off in a rage, leaving his Orange Power Battery behind. He soon learns the report was a hoax and returns to Okaara.

Only to find he's been completely cleaned out. All of his awesome shit is gone.

Threshold #1 Rating: I'll arbitrarily begin this comic book at Rank #26. So there.