Green Lanterns #7

Jessica looks like she's wearing a waistcoat and Simon looks like an idiot.

The Commentary!
• The issue begins with Jessica battling her anxiety. This is why Narration Boxes are so annoying. With them, I have to read about her struggle to just get the fuck in the other room and deal with Simon's family. I would rather not have to be inside of her head as she did that because I'm really inside of Sam Humphries' head and I don't think he understands what it's like to have anxiety at all! He needs the Narration Boxes so he can keep speaking directly to the reader, saying things like "See? See? She's struggling so hard with her anxiety! That's a thing she has and you can tell because I'm telling you about it! Constantly! See how she's having a tough time being around Simon's family? Oh, but you don't know it's Simon's family yet since you're a big fucking moron dope asshole! You probably think she's trying to work herself up to do some Green Lanterning, right? What a fucking idiot! Ha ha! Dope! I'm such a good writer I bet nobody at all guessed that her anxiety was keeping her from just an every day interaction! Surprise!" I hope that isn't what Sam was actually thinking because I haven't even turned the page yet and I just blatantly put all of my Grandmaster Comic Book Reader Cred on the guess that that's what's happening. You know why? Because I don't think this opening fooled fucking anybody. Maybe it wasn't supposed to! But it's certainly written like it's some big twist cold open!

• Yeah, it turns out Jessica was just getting up the courage to be around Simon's family. It didn't even have anything in particular to do with Rami the Rogue Guardian who is a fucking lunatic.

• Oh, also this story was called "Family Matters". That was probably a big clue too! But I completely forgot it was called that because when I was absorbing every detail on the cover to come up with a caption, I was mostly absorbing Jessica's camel toe.

• Jessica chickens out and teleports out of the house to get away from the family. What does she think she is? An Indigo Lantern?! You can't teleport, you dumb barn owl.

• I get it, Jessica. I can't stand to be around people I don't know either! And this situation is extra bad because you're spending time with a Muslim family. And you know what that means! No alcohol to take the fucking edge off! You, Jessica, are fucked.

• One of the main reasons I hate being around new people is that most of them ask all of the same questions about things I'm not interested in. I don't want to talk about my family. I don't want to talk about my stupid job. I don't want to talk about how good I am at the sexing. I just want to listen until somebody says something dumb, leaving me an opening to tear them the fuck apart.

• Simon promises Jess that she doesn't have to spend any time with his family if she helps him make dessert in the kitchen. She agrees because cookies. That makes her adorable, I guess. I fucking hate all of these "this character is so fucking adorable" shortcuts that get fangenders into a tizzy. Ugh. Fuck you.

Gross. Put a shirt on.

• Simon tastes the dough and finds it lacking, so now he takes off. Dude, you probably got some tit sweat in it. Nobody wants to eat your stank ass shirtless cookies.

• Oh my god! Somebody call the Guinness Book of World Records! It turns out Simon Baz doesn't have Daddy Issues at all! He's a Mommy Issues Boy!

• Jessica talks Simon back into the kitchen and convinces him to make the cookies in his Green Lantern costume. It might look stupid but at least he's got a shirt on.

• Simon hasn't told his mom that he's a Green Lantern yet. So he figures now's the time!

Fucking hell. You couldn't have left the gun off?!

• With Jessica's help, Simon manages to impress his mom with his cookies and his costume and, I guess, his gun. For some reason his mother puts up with his nonsense instead of rushing straight through the house to find her grandson. What kind of grandmother is she?! The worst, that's what kind!

• Her grandson is busy stacking things on Rami the Rogue Lantern. I guess the family doesn't have a cat.

• Rami wakes up and screams that the Dominators are coming before rushing off. I don't know where he's going. Wouldn't his precious Phantom Ring be safer with two Green Lanterns guarding it? Also, if anybody can use the Phantom Ring, why doesn't he use it to protect it? It must have some serious side effects that he isn't willing to deal with. Better to just find some sucker to test out the ring for him.

• The Dominators are those yellow aliens with lots of teeth and big red spots on their heads. I think they're supposed to be super scary.

The Ranking!
+1! I'm giving it a plus one because it's gotten much better now that Simon and Jess are friends. Plus, Sam really isn't relying on Narration Boxes like he did when they had to think opposite thoughts so the reader understood how different they were.

New Suicide Squad #22

Adult Harley Quinn just smashed Baby Harley Quinn into jelly with Super Powers™ Joker's mallet.

The Review!
Remember how I told myself I can just believe that the previous issue was the final issue until Rebirth? I probably should have taken myself seriously. This issue added nothing to my knowledge of Harley Quinn. Although it did add one more piece of evidence to my theory that every character in the DC Universe has severe Daddy Issues. If you're a Harley fan, you probably already wrote this comic book in a piece of fanfiction and you probably did it better. And if not, at least you didn't charge anybody money for it.

The Commentary!
This month, we get a look inside of Harley Quinn's head. Most of you can just ignore it because it probably won't be how you think it should be inside Harley Quinn's head. And before you think I'm criticizing you, you should know that I don't think Sean Ryan has any better insight into Harley Quinn than any of the people writing Harley fanfic do. Which makes sense since about 99% of all comic books are fanfic anyway. Except they're fanfic with limitations! I mean, for some stupid reason, you're never going to get a scene where Batman's dick accidentally flops out of his costume and Superman can't stop himself from sucking Bruce off. Why do you think that is? We all know it's happened once or twice. Batman probably even has a special "Batfly Failure Batsuit" that he wears when he knows Superman is alone on Watchtower duty. And if people don't want Clark's belly full of Batsemen as canon, they can just ignore it like they ignore every other bit of canon that they disagree with. Or they can go on the internet and perform a textual representation of their head exploding across several comic book website forums.

Harley's psychiatrist (psychologist? I admit it. I don't know the difference! I think one of them is on drugs when doing therapy and the other one takes sexual advantage of you under hypnosis) makes sure her face is hidden from view so that the reader will be surprised by who she is at the end of the comic book. Probably Harley since she loves to do therapy on herself. Although maybe it's just a visual representation of how the therapist may be present in the therapy but actively tries to remain detached from it too. Kind of like how I read comic books but actively stay detached from the characters. Except for Vampire Tig. I still have sex dreams about her.

Mmm, this is some good therapy!

Apparently Harley Quinn hasn't been crazy enough lately and it's driving her crazy. Plus her character needs to be fine-tuned to match whatever her personality will be like in the movie or else people coming to the comic book from the movie will be all, "This isn't the real Harley Quinn?! What did they do to the real Harley Quinn!? And she hardly looks like Margot Robbie at all!"

Harley Quinn ignores her Mind-Batman and decides to go into the part of her brain that is fun and not Victorian. Batman is all, "You'll be sorry! They wear their skirts above the ankles in there!" And Harley is all, "That's cool! I almost wear my shorts above my vagina!"

Once inside the wacky part of her brain, Harley has an orgasm.

She's coming so hard that she forgets how to spell orgasm.

Linguistically, I don't think there's any real difference between "Carnal-vale" and "Carnival". It's just less subtle! My favorite ride at Harley's Carnal-vale is the Sodomy-Go-Round! That's a less subtle but also linguistically similar way of saying Merry-Go-Round. Or Mary-Gets-Around, amirite?!

Harley decides to ride the Deathtrap first. It's a good thing Deadpool can't see inside Harley's mind or he might be a little bit jealous that Harley is fantasizing about riding Deathtrap. Unless that's not what Sean Ryan meant by this scene at all and it's just an unfortunate turn of events that Deathtrap was a character in the previous issue. Because the ride actually turns purple, green, and white. And we all know what that means! Usually I would have a joke answer other than "The Joker" but I couldn't think of one.

Where's my cigar and thick eyebrows! I actually have a joke for this one!

How many people reading the previous caption thought I mean to do something dirty with the cigar because they don't know anything about Groucho Marx? It's hard to tell anymore what anybody of any generation will know because the Internet has made the popular culture of every decade accessible. It might be time to rethink my aversion to dating people in their twenties! They just might get all of my references now!

Harley's day at the amusement park (cleverly called an "abusement" park in her head!) turns disastrous when she finds herself covered in human teeth. Gross. I thought this comic book was going to be sexy but now I can't stop my head from imagining I'm smelling the smell of rotten teeth. Is there any worse smell in the world?! Maybe a durian shoved into an unwashed sumo wrestlers bunghole. But I've never smelled that so I can't imagine it.

Harley escapes the teeth and finds herself as a fifteen year old being lectured by her mother. It's 2004 which means I can do math! I mean, it means Harley is 27! That must be the age DC Comics finds it acceptable for female characters to feel free enough in their sexuality to fuck plants.

Harley asks her mother when her dad is coming home so I just figured out the root of all of Harley Quinn's problems: Daddy Issues! I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "I really wish somebody would take my virginity already!" But enough about you! I probably should have guessed that Harley had Daddy Issues because everybody in DC Comics has Daddy Issues. Also there's that whole abusive relationship with The Joker thing.

Me too! Just once, can't somebody have a Mommy Issue? Get me some representation up here in this bitch! I mean mother!

Harley has some more memories about how her Daddy wasn't there for her and he was always having fun and how he totally shaped the world which she grew into! And then there's a disturbing advert for the Suicide Squad movie!

What is with the electric taped X pasties and the vagina graffiti?

The big surprise twist ending is that Harle Quinn was talking to Dr. Harleen Quinzel about her dead father. I think. Or something. I mean, obviously Harley Quinn has never gotten over her daddy issues or she wouldn't have fucked Deadshot in Issue #3 (First New 52 Edition) while calling her vagina a clown car. That's total Daddy Issue talk! And now she's busy going crazy trying not to think about her father or how The Joker was her father or how Amanda Waller is now her father. The issue ends with nothing being resolved and nothing really being explored and nothing nothing with more nothing. But it had Harley Quinn in it! So that's a big plus to DC's pocketbook!

Martian Manhunter #7

Oh mighty question mark! You make a simple statement into a startling revelation!

J'onn J'onzz has thrown in with Mars. He's betrayed his adoptive planet and decided Mars is the place for our universe. Beautiful, glorious, too small to retain its own atmosphere Mars! What a jewel! A joy! A terrible place that thinks putting zucchinis in cookies is a fun idea. Fuck Mars. Fuck it right in its Olympus Mons!

J'onn may have chosen for Mars to live at Earth's expense. But not every aspect of him agrees with the decision.

There's not really enough difference between "hunter" and "killer" for this line to come off as anything but silly.

Nobody needs to explain to me that killing doesn't always come at the end of a hunt. Sometimes people hunt for meaning! Or other things. But you know what I fucking meant, didn't you? Didn't you! You didn't need to ever utter the word "actually" except to irritate the shit out of me.

Speaking of both silly lines and irritating the shit out of me, I watched Halley Berry's Catwoman for the first time yesterday. Me-ouch! Oh man! If I had been a movie critic at the time--not a serious one, mind you! One of those hacks that simply tries to come up with some positive, pun-induced message about how fun the movie was--"Me-ouch!" would have been a good tagline! Of course it wouldn't have made the poster so I would have been doing it wrong. And I'm sure half of the writers came up with "It's Purrfect!" before even viewing it. Also it was not purrfect or anything close to it. The acting was atrocious. The CGI was awful. The dialogue was a disaster. I don't even think it took place in Gotham! And who was this Patience person? I kept waiting for the real Catwoman to appear and reveal that Patience was the villain! It was a truly terrible experience. And...oh yeah! The line that made me punch myself in the face to see if I was awake and, if I was, I might knock myself out. In the final battle, Sharon Stone says, "Game over!" And Catwoman says, "Guess what? It's overtime!"

Go ahead, those of you lucky enough to have never seen the movie. Take your time drinking in the awfulness of that exchange and how it made it into a movie script. How come Halle Berry gets all the horrible superhero lines? She was also the one in the first X-men movie to deliver that line about how toads being struck by lightning differs very little from when it strikes everything else.

I'm a bit ashamed to say I rated it 5 Stars on Netflix. I rate everything I watch 5 Stars just so that I know I've watched it already.

On the positive note, Catwoman stopped the evil make-up conglomerate from making women's faces fall off!

Um, anyway, J'onn fights with himself for a bit and then rushes off without explaining anything. So now the other aspects of himself need to figure out how to save Earth because is still exists. For now!

You liar, Mister Biscuits. You were homeless.

Since the Living Mars has returned to the solar system, it's no longer a dead world and actually full of angry Martians. They attack because they're not as into poetry and love as I seem to remember them being. Maybe they're violent because their planet is sick and it's still probably going to die. But this time it's taking the Earth with it.

Luckily the Martian Manhunter Body Parts Gang know the leader of the Martians: it's little Alicia! She survived the Blood Magic Ritual and aged twenty years and become a general in the Martian Military! Somehow. I guess the only explanation I need is "Blood Magic Ritual."

She's also not as sweet as she once was.

Martian Manhunter #7 Rating: -1 Ranking. This story feels like it's gone off the rails. I thought it was a pleasant read when J'onn was confused and trying to find himself and figure out why he was on Earth. I suppose this is still part of that story. Except now instead of a man (martian!) trying to find himself and his place in his adoptive world, it's a time travel space opera revolutionary war story. I'm as confused as Mister Biscuits! And I'm all out of biscuits!

Batman and Robin Eternal #5

I know this sex move: "Aggressively Shove Dick In Male Friend's Mouth!" Otherwise known as The Navy Seal, or a San Francisco Chin Kiss.

It looks like Tim Drake has been compromised! It also looks like whoever writes the copy for the front cover was just phoning it in this week. "Birds of a different feather"?! That doesn't add any excitement to the cover at all! Sure, it adds an exclamation point which, at first, made me think it was quite clever. But then I thought, "I have never heard a single person, in all of the many years I've lived on this stinking excuse for a civilized planet, say, 'Bird of a different feather.' Sure, occasionally when I said I was going out with some friends my mother thought were disgusting idiots, she'd whip off a quick insult with the 'birds of a feather' thing which nicely nailed both me and my friends at the same time. Man that was mean!" Although my mom was right about those friends. Every time she said that, my friends would pick on me and wind up kicking my ass just because I came out of the house crying.

This issue begins in the past with the part of the story I'm most interested in, at least until the Bat-kids start sucking each other's private parts. Batman and Robin are still hunting the Scarecrow and they've followed him to a church where he's meeting with somebody scary. Mother? Just typing "mother" gives me the willies and the PTSDs.

This sign seems too overly complex to not be some sort of clue or anagram or pictograph!

Scarecrow is inside the church meeting with Orphan the Fear Huffer. Cassandra has also come along to look dour and threaten throats. Batman and Robin decide that it's in the best interests of everybody and not just Wayne Stained Glass Repair to crash through the church's windows. If the church didn't want to have to replace expensive, beautiful stained glass then maybe they shouldn't be allowing bad people to schedule clandestine meetings inside their nave. You also have to assume that this church isn't really serious judging by that ludicrous neon front, right?!

The Orphan, Crane, and Cassandra are gone so Batman and Robin begin sweeping up the mess and Bruce leaves a pile of cash in the donation box. Just kidding! They're too busy meting out justice! But Batman heard them say "Prague" a whole bunch of times in his garbled eavesdropping attempt plus he found some dirt that was obviously headed to Prague, so he and Robin are going to Poland! Or, um, Transylvania? Um...they're leaving America!

Back in the present, the story decides to confuse me.

So what are we saying here? The early history of New 52 Tim Drake written by Scott Lobdell where his parents are in witness protection to protect them from The Penguin isn't true anymore? How could DC Comics do something like this?! How could they get this so damn right and yet still allow Lobdell's Teen Titans to be in continuity!

Dick learns some more weird stuff about how Tim's parents either believe he's dead or just want people to think he died in a car accident. So it's possible that this all fits in with whatever Lobdell wrote since I can't exactly remember--or don't want to remember!--the exact details of Batman stealing Tim away from his parents. You know, to keep him safe!

While Dick is asking more and more personal questions of the Drakes (since they don't seem to mind! Thanks to Dick's hypnos. Or maybe his charm. Or maybe because the Drakes have always discussed the possibility of a threesome with a handsome stranger stopping by to discuss the welfare of poverty stricken children), Poppy comes to the door with an axe attached to a hand encased in orange glass. I wonder if the Drakes would consider just going full orgy?

Across town at the Church of St. Elijah the Thunderer By a Whirlwind, Cassie and Harper have decided to cause the poor place more property damage. It's currently being converted to a church for the Order of St. Dumas. Great! Like we need Azrael in The New 52! I seriously thought the whole point of The New 52 was to erase Azrael from existence! I suppose I can live with it as long as it's not Jean-Paul Valley. That fucker was as annoying as Danny Chase, Scrappy Doo, and Cousin Oliver all rolled into one giant turd.

Cassie opens the secret door in the stature of St. Elijah and The Orphan pops out, hopped up on Scarecrow toxin and crazy.

He must be talking about the video game Lemmings, right?

Back at the Drake house, Tim's parents activate a security measure to protect them from people who might come after them. They mention Tim set this up for them so now I'm really fucking depressed. The Lobdell history still fits plus Jean-Paul Valley might be making a return. At least there's a good chance that if Azrael does return, it'll be one of the other ones that I don't care about. But at least I don't passionately despise any of them.

Poppy and Dick find themselves in some kind of death trap after Tim's mom says, "Cnemial." I want to rant about how huge a nerd Tim Drake is to use that as the key word to turn the house into a death trap, but it's really smart. You wouldn't want to have guests over one night and have one of them accidentally say the word that turns the living room into a death trap. I realize it's only activated by specific voice prints but you never know when a guest is going to do a spot on embarrassing impression of Tim's dad. At least with a word like "cnemial," you know it'll never accidentally be uttered.

Over at St. Elijah's, Cassie cuts off The Orphan's right hand. Now he and Alfred are practically the same guy! Well, in at least two ways. They both lost their right hand and they both enjoy putting children in danger!

As The Orphan retreats, Harper tags him with a tracking device. Then she notices Cassie is crying. This is where she takes advantage of her like in all the romantic movies, right?! That's where I learned that when a woman is sad and crying and upset, it's time to make a move on her!

Back at Tim's parents' house, Dick subdues Poppy just as Tim arrives to punch Dick in the face for not trusting him. It's funny how that works both ways, hunh, Tim? You're allowed the luxury not to trust any of your Titans' teammates with your history--hell, you didn't even tell them your name during Lobdell's run--but nobody else is allowed to mistrust you? I'll let you have a pass on this one though because I realize you're upset at the way Dick went about checking out your parents. It's obvious that all the Batkids are suffering from PTBD: Post-Traumatic Batman Disorder. Any time anybody acts like Batman, Batkids everywhere flip the fuck out.

Batman and Robin Eternal #5 Rating: No change. I actually liked this update on Tim's family history. The way it was left before, it was as if Tim couldn't have any contact with his parents so that they would be safe. But this clarifies what all the fans of Tim already believed anyway: Tim would continue to keep a relationship with his parents and to keep them safe by any means necessary. The weakest part of the issue was that Dick "didn't have time" to discuss Tim's history with Tim before rushing off to investigate his parents. I suppose he felt that Tim being out of contact during the Welcome Back Bruce Wayne debacle might have made Dick suspicious, and Dick's time as a spy has made him think situations through a bit differently, but it still seems like Dick is the guy who approaches people and discusses problems with them face to face. The "no time" thing is just a comic book trope used to create drama and I'm disappointed to see it used here. Hopefully Tim really is compromised and this was all set up to make it seem like Tim really was talking to his real mother last issue but in reality he wasn't! No, wait. I just checked and M. Night Shyamalan isn't writing this comic book.

Detective Comics: Endgame #1

How many anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One.

I really hope this comic book doesn't spoil the end of Snyder's Endgame. I'm sure it will just be about a bunch of people punching a bunch of other people with Joker grimaces on their faces in their faces. Sometimes my editor thinks I should rework my sentences so that they aren't so convoluted but then I put my finger in her face and scowl, "No! Where is the fun in that?" But then I wish I'd said "Where is the fun in that?" in a more convoluted way. And often I just wind up feeling guilty for talking back to my pretend editor when she's just trying to do her pretend job improving my pretend writing skills.

This issue begins during the Joker Riots of Whatever Year This Is (not to be confused with the Joker Riots of Whatever Year Came Before This and the Joker Riots of Whatever Year Came Before That, et cetera, et cetera (Fun Fact! My pretend editor's name is Et Cetera (I might be stretching the definition of "fact" and "fun" with that fun fact))) before Detective Yip shot Lonnie in the face for being a youth on the street during a time of crisis. No wait! It probably occurs after Lonnie got shot by Yip and was released from the hospital with his Anarky gift mask or else how could Lonnie decide to don a mask he doesn't own and become Anarky to help stop the anarchy caused by The Joker?

You see, The Joker's anarchy is the bad kind of anarchy. It's the kind of anarchy that most people think of when they hear the word. It's the kind that movies and comic books would like you to believe would take the place of civilization if our system of laws were ever to be thrown in the toilet. It's belief in this kind of anarchy that causes an outcry for more control of the populace and encourages fascist regimes to take control. So Anarky has to use the good kind of anarchy (some might say "vigilantism") to stop the spread of the bad kind of anarchy!

Anarchy is really the most mature of all social philosophies and political ideals. It posits the theory that we are all fucking adults who can take care of ourselves. Most people want a nanny state and a protective father figure ensuring their safety so they can blissfully walk about with their noses stuck in their cell phones. But order and control is just an illusion and we're all in a perpetual state of denial. The law of everybody's neighborhood is actually anarchy. At any moment, if just a tiny fraction of the population decided to do whatever the fuck they felt like it, the system would break down. That means that the system is just an illusion that we have all agreed to for our own selfish reasons. That's anarchy, people! Citizens (white ones, anyway) might feel safer knowing that there is a police force to protect their lives or, more importantly it seems, their property. But even if a neighborhood police force didn't exist, people would still protect themselves. So now you'd have neighbors living in the exact same community but having to maintain their own protection. Basically what you'd have is the same thing you have now but probably more weapons and deadbolts in every single house in your neighborhood. But you'd almost certainly still have the same community. All that road warrior bullshit? It might happen in like Texas or something (not Austin) but most people are still going to be decent people if "the law" were to suddenly not exist. The evidence is all around you every day. Sometimes people do shitty, murderous, nutty things and they'll do it whether laws exist or not. Anarchy is not something to be feared! It's an ideal to be striven for!

Did I use "striven" correctly? Fuck it! Of course I did! I'm an anarchist and I can use it however I want!

He is an anarchist. He does know he doesn't have to sign his name at the end of each text, right?

That's the only page I've read so far but judging by the cover, Lonnie is going to don the Anarky mask and get to work protecting his mother and, I guess, Gotham by whatever means necessary! By the end of the issue, he'll have spray painted the Anarky symbol on the Bat Signal and have jerked off onto the back of a homeless person's head while listening to some radio friendly "punk rock" like Sublime, Green Day, or Blink 182. Anarchy!

Lonnie winds up getting shot at by some Joker cops (or normal cops. Really, what's the difference, amirite?) and meets a guy named Dax. Dax has an "X" in his name, a septum piercing, and a mohawk hairstyle (originally made famous by General Mohawk during the civil war. I think) which instantly identifies him as an anarchist and totally chill dude except when it comes to discussing society at large! Lonnie is about to hear some truth down in here! And probably some really crazy shit about Project Cloverleaf and how AIDS was created to kill black men and was, in the late seventies and early eighties, an actual ingredient of malt liquor.

Who would have guessed?! They're punks!

Dax's friends are Dre and Riko. They're anarchists too! When Lonnie asks if they're heroes, Riko (or Dre) says, "Nah. We're just us." Now that whole "just us/justice" thing might have been clever the first bazillion times people began to use it. But here it's clever again because of the theme of anarchy and how everybody is responsible for their own happiness and safety. And guess what helps make somebody's selfish desire for happy and safety to come about? Keeping your community happy and safe as well! So you see, an anarchist has a truly selfish reason for helping to keep their local community safe. So Dre, Dax, and Riko don't need the cops. They have "just us."

Also, Lonnie turns out to be some genius hacker that goes by the name of Moneyspider. A hacker! Those guys are total anarchists! And his mom is a stripper. Pure anarchy!

I might be shouting "Anarchy!" too much. I think everybody gets what the comic book is about. Sorry.

Does anybody sense a crazy, wacky Anarky title in the style of Burnside Batgirl? Can you say "Anarchy"? Sorry.

Ann Nocenti spent six issues writing dialogue for some truly beautiful characters drawn by Trevor McCarthy and not once made them interesting or gave me any reason to care about them. Dax and his gang look like your average, run-of-the-mill comic book characters and, in just a few pages, Brian Buccellato has created a group of kids whose monthly comic book I would pick up and read.

Trevor McCarthy really did draw an adorable looking Zell. Although she could have been a little chunkier.

Lonnie ditches his new friends to go save his mother as you probably know if you actually read the page I scanned so why am I typing this paragraph? But what you might not have known is that they decide to go after him because he's Moneyspider! Or because they just liked the cut of his jib. Is that sexist?

Oh my god! They fly?! I guess gravity is a law and fuck laws, amirite?! Anarchy!

They're not actually flying. That was just the artist's interpretation of three kids jumping from one roof to another in the most absurd way possible. But if you're going to be a hero in Gotham and have any hope of starring in your own comic book, you've got to be able to jump from one rooftop to the next.

The Anarkids run into the Batfamily in the middle of a Jokerfuffle. They don't have time to help them save a stripper because they judge. So they send Spoiler to help them out.

Since Batman Eternal, Spoiler apparently got her hands on some kind of growth formula.

Spoiler's plan is to shoot a few Joker Citizens with tranq darts but Lonnie has a better plan! Spray paint joker smiles on masks fished out of the strip club's dumpster, spend an inordinate amount of time cleaning the buffalo wing sauce and ranch dressing off of them, put them on, and storm the strip club! Then it's hugs and dollar bills all around! Happy endings for everybody!

Detective Comics: Endgame #1 Rating: Since this issue ended with a "The Beginning..." closer, I'm going to jump off a limb and say this is a pilot for a monthly Anarky series depending on how well it sells. I'm all in for that series as long as Buccellato is writing it. How about instead of teaming Buccellato up with Manapul, give him Justin Gray for awhile! Then Jimmy Palmiotti can use Manapul and we'll see if more magic happens! Or at least maybe some writer's block curing handjobs.

Batman Eternal #46

Fuck Ra's. He's more boring than Hush.

I'm not in the mood for your shit, Ra's al Ghul. So just say your piece by acting superior, point out to Batman that you're not behind all the bullshit in Gotham but even so, you certainly weren't going to fucking pass up the Wayne Enterprises Fire Sale when you saw all of their corporate assets suddenly listed on richassholes.craigslist.org.

The issue begins with Poison Ivy in her summer greenhouse talking to orchids. Unless that's Harley Quinn's vagina in her hand. No, no. It's definitely an orchid. I don't know why this scene begins the comic book. So that Poison Ivy fans know that Pam made it out of Gotham safely? Or is this just foreshadowing of a big Batman versus Poison Ivy arc in the pages of Batman which will take place after Batman Eternal is over? Poison Ivy isn't even wearing anything sexy. "What use is this scene?" comic book fans everywhere ask their limp dicks and their parched vaginas.
[[MORE]]
Judging by the credits page, it looks like Poison Ivy might get more story on pages 7, 8, 17, and 20!

This issue is called "Batman... eternal?" because somebody thinks they're being clever.

Meanwhile, Batman is hunting down Ra's al Ghul because Batman found a bunch of clues. And being the World's Greatest Detective, he sometimes believes that he only ever finds clues and never ever finds red herrings. But I think he's on the wrong track this time. Ra's al Ghul as the big enemy? Pshaw! That's as obvious as finding raccoon turds in the kindergarten sand box.

Watch how you use this word correctly, boys and girls: "He can't mean that literally! Can he?!"

Look, what the fuck do I care? You can all keep on saying stupid shit like "I literally ate a candy bar two hours ago" or "I literally exploded from too much candy." It's literally no skin off my back.

Meanwhile in Blackgate Penitentiary, some inmate tries to pick up Selina Kyle as she passes through by saying, "Are those space pants you're wearing? 'cuz your..." but then he's cut off before he can finish. I assume the end of that line is "Because your ass can't breathe in a vacuum." My favorite pickup line is "Just touch it. Come on. Please."

Selina just ignores him because she has business with her father, Rex "Leo the Lion" Calabrese. But it's boring business so let's move on to Hush and Julia's scene.

Does Julia give Hush fresh bandages every day? Why does he need to keep his face wrapped? Did he cut off his face too?

Back in Pakistan, Ra's al Ghul proves that after living for centuries, the only thing left to say are cliches. So when Batman asks where Ra's al Ghul is, Ra's al Ghul cleverly responds, "Where I am is no longer the question. The question is...when? Ho ho ho hee hee hee. I'm so fucking clever and smarmy and evil." Ra's declares that they are now in Batman's future. So I guess Ra's built a silly funhouse to impress his favorite guest? Animatronic versions of possible future Batmans come sailing into the room on rails while Ra's describes them all for him. "Who will the future Batman be, hmm? Will you be replaced by a monkey bent on vengeance and banana lust? No? Perhaps a wee little teenaged girl with the first actual documented case of penis envy (it's a long story which I've been writing whenever I get a little bit of free time away from world domination)? Perhaps the future you will be my grandson? It will be, right? You're going to do right by that kid and not just abandon him, right! And while we're on the subject of Damian, I've got these cute little boots for him and a scabbard with a demon's head I knitted for him! Do you think he'll like it?"

Once Batman realizes he's just tripping in Ra's al Ghul's Funhouse of Bat-Terror, he notices Mr. Darrk and Lord Death Man have joined him.

I don't know what it is. I'm sure Lord Death Man gets on some people's nerves but I find I never can get enough of him. "Sally Batman"! Oh, that's rich.

Hmm. I think I'm beginning to have an inkling why I can't get enough of him. He's all, "I'm fucking wacky!" And I'm all, "Ha ha! You are, Lord Death Man! You are!"

I wasn't really feeling very good when I began this commentary but Lord Death Man has really picked up my spirits. I'm ready to go out and face the world now! Too bad it's one-thirty in the morning and there's no world to really face. Unless I want to go interact with a bunch of drunks down the street at Mulligan's.

After Batman breaks all of Lord Death Man's breakable body parts, Mister Darrk drags Lord Death Man back to his recuperation room while Ra's al Ghul gets to tell Batman that his detective work has been pretty fucking shoddy. As I pointed out earlier, he's not behind the destruction of Gotham City. If he were involved, at the very least, the Invitations would have been printed with a much fancier font.

He followed the clues! He found them all! Every last clue was his! But alas they were not clues at all. They were the humble red herrings! The humblest fish of them all! And also the detective's worst enemy.

Back in Blackgate, Rex digs up some dirt on the party being thrown in Gotham. Turns out all the local mentally ill ex-residents of Arkham have an angel. Their angel has purchased loads and loads of goodies to help them celebrate with Batman. Poison Ivy is one of them which is why she's cut down her Harley Quinn Vagina Orchids and planted a bunch of Crying Death Mask Lotus Blossoms instead.

Batman Eternal #46 Rating: No change. I was feeling rather shitty before reading this and now I'm feeling slightly less than shitty. The only problem is World's End is next and that knowledge is bringing my mood back down! Would anybody mind if my World's End #20 commentary wound up being a snapshot of it burning in a waste receptacle? I could go the extra mile and just get a picture of me taking a shit on it but I'd need another person to snap that photo and I don't think anybody wants to witness that.

New Guardians #38

If we could only see in x-rays, we'd never know what that invisible thing in front of our face that constantly leaked all over us was. Also genitals.

Let me just point out that in my last New Guardians commentary, I pretty much guessed the ending of Godhead:

So now, after Highfather makes a huge mess of everything, his underlings are starting to have second thoughts about all of this shit. Maybe if they all had backbones as big as Orion's, they would have stood up to Highfather earlier and pointed out how he’s acting an awful lot like a certain stone faced master of a burning prison planet of death and destruction.

Of course only Hal Jordan had the stone faced cojones to put Highfather in his place. Nobody else in the universe could have done it! Not even Malhedron who sort of tried to do it. And Metron who knew it needed to be done but couldn't be bothered to get out of his chair. And Orion who probably did it but who could understand him when he's ranting and raving and projecting spittle all across the room?

But now it's time to forget Godhead because it is over and already forgotten. Now let's find out how Kyle Rayner dies because who needs him?

This issue is part one of a three part story called "It All Ends Here." That's a good sign! I mean, I know the book actually ends in three issues. But maybe Kyle Rayner will go with it forever and always! At least until he pulls a modern penny out of his pocket and is forced to abandon true love!

I don't really hate Kyle. But he's superlative! No wait! He's not that at all! He's superfluous!

This issue begins with a scene that I might revisit later when it makes more sense. The better place to start is here:

I want to say something lovely and profound and melancholic about this scene but I can't stop staring at the stars inside the dark side of the moon! Maybe they're camp fires?

Carol is contemplating her burgeoning (or dying on the vine?) relationship with Kyle and she's probably wondering why she would want to be with an idiot that can't stop giving his ring away to whoever asks for it. He's a comic book artist so his earning potential is limited and he's probably a slacker who will wind up spending most of his time unshowered and stretched out on the couch watching Judge Judy. Carol is a responsible, powerful, worldly woman and she needs more than just a six foot tall man-child that never seems to engage in a serious manner. She has plenty of arguments for why she shouldn't pursue this relationship but it seems she's going to listen to the only argument she has for this relationship: she's in looOOoOooOooOoove!

Hard, throbbing cock? Slick, pulsing, engorged vagina? Clean, puckered, perfumed anal sphincter? San Dimas?

Turns out she loves flying and being a Star Sapphire. I was close!

Dammit. Kyle is winning me over here! If Carol won't take you, Kyle, I'm available! But mostly just because it would be nice to know a comic book artist that I could take advantage of.

I never wanted these two to be a thing anyway. How come male and female characters who spend a lot of time together automatically seem to pair off? They would have been fun just traveling the universe as friends. Why does there always seem to be a need for a romantic subplot? This is the main problem I have with Season Three of Arrow. Felicity was perfect when she was helping out, having her own life, and drooling, non-romantically, over Ollie's shirtlessness. But of course, she had to wind up in love with him. The only female cast member that hasn't been in an intimate relationship with Oliver Queen is his sister and I have a feeling that story arc is coming soon.

Now is the time to talk about that opening scene! The issue began with a huge monster attacking a planet. Before the monster could kill the woman, Saysoran, whom the story opened on, it's sucked up into the sky by black tendrils. Now the creature has been smashed into Zamaron and stamped with the White Lantern Insignia. Kyle and Carol recognize the creature as one of the beings freed from the Source Wall by Black Hand.

Kyle and Carol head off to investigate where the creature came from but this time they're doing it as friends instead of pee-pee rubbers. That's how I describe sex! Are you interested now, ladies?

Carol and Kyle arrive on a planet that's been nearly destroyed (except for Saysoran who will probably become an important character if she isn't already and I've just never heard of her). They find another White Lantern Insignia, this one composed of dead people nailed to a wall. And then they confront the monster behind it all!

Oblivenom!

New Guardians #38 Rating: +2 Ranking. The highlight of this comic was Kyle and Carol discussing their relationship. The lowlight was that they didn't have time for an on-panel farewell fuck. I don't think I really care about Oblivion. Maybe he'll win me over as an arch-enemy next issue when he asks Kyle for Kyle's ring and Kyle gives it to him.