Black Canary #12

The Review!
This is just The Last Temptation of Christ but starring Dinah Lance! At least it's shorter! And Brenden Fletcher's name is easier to spell than Nikolas Kazantzakis! Just a second while I consult Lord Google. Holy shit! I spelled the last name right! But I got the first name wrong. It's just Niko! But I bet that's short for Nikolas, right?!

The Commentary!
In this issue, Dinah Lance gets asked the stupidest question anybody can ever ask another person.

Stop judging me for not living my life the way you think I should be living it! I mean stop judging Dinah!

Nobody should ever feel obligated to live their life in a way somebody else expects them to. Even if they have a gift. Even if they have the ability to help others. Even if they could bring peace to the entire sodding world through some magic hoodoo. Nobody else has to live inside your own head. It's unfair to expect more than somebody is already giving. It's unfair to expect other people to view the world in the same way that you view it, and to act according to your desires, no matter how selfless or charitable your desires may be. We can only be who we are, and, in the end, we will only answer to ourselves. We can only answer to ourselves. And sometimes what we want is to not kick criminals in the teeth on a constant basis! Sometimes we just want to fucking sing!

But since Black Canary is a hero, I bet her singing is helping more than kicking people in the face! Somehow! It's, like, inspiring or something! It's making the world a better place! It has to be or else we're all going to judge her for only caring about herself and not others! How dare she!

Since the next scene is has another "One Year Later" tag, this must be Dinah's visions of her possible future as she lays dying with a katana in her gut. In her vision of the future as the lead singer of Black Canary, somebody (Izak Orato?) is convincing her that giving people joy is a noble way to live. But she doubts that because she remembers kicking people in the junk was an actual noble way to live! I don't mean I believe that but I think Dinah still believes that because she had all of that Team 7 brainwashing. I mean training.

Not that I think bringing people joy is a noble way to live either! Both ways are just ways to live. Nobility has nothing to do with any of them. Do what you want, Dinah! Stop being distracted and controlled by other people. I mean, you can even choose to just bleed out and stop struggling with your destiny, if you wanted to!

The Justice League can only be saved by roundhouses and leg sweeps?! Diana's subconscious has a really healthy self-esteem!

Black Canary's musical future begins to get bleaker and bleaker as she realizes at forty that she's become a commercial sellout. Her music reached a broader audience and her miserable little fans couldn't be any less happier for her! They accuse her of leaving her art behind to become a bland, moneymaking puppet! And, of course, her nemesis Ravedeath continues to wreak havoc on the world because she fell for his offer. Now she's a musician instead of a super hero and only her judo kicks can stop him!

Dinah tries to get Black Canary back together because her life has lost all meaning. I guess I was wrong about people choosing to live with their choices instead of being bullied by obligation! See what happens when you make the selfish choice? You wind up dying lonely and unloved! Except Dinah is already dying lonely and unloved and this is all in her imagination because she's really lying on a floor with a katana in her belly.

As all hallucinogenic temptations do, Dinah's passes in time and she returns to the present with the information she needs to create the proper future. She knows the Five Heavens Palm and means to use it on Izak to stop Ravedeath from destroying the universe. Although can you use hallucinations as evidence in your manslaughter trial? Won't Dinah just wind up in prison for killing a record producer?

Luckily Ravedeath decided to attack in demon form instead of human form. I think people are allowed to kill demons with karate moves. I suppose it was also self-defense. Whatever! Black Canary defeats the bad person and realizes she was never cut out to be the singer in a band! That's independent comic shit! She's a super hero!

So, you know, she quits the band and moves to Seattle. Which is great news! Not the Seattle part! The part about quitting the band. Because now Bo Maeve is the lead singer of Black Canary! The band just got five bajillion times better! And sexier! And mean-spiriteder! I love Bo! Hopefully the end of this comic doesn't mean the end of Bo.

Black Canary #11

Is the cover supposed to look scuffed or did I just get a shitty copy?!

The Review or Whatever!
In this issue, Black Canary fights a vampire or something. It doesn't go well and she winds up alone and unloved with a katana sticking through her. Although Ditto shows up to tell her that she's never been alone or some syrupy bullshit. This just feels like a story desperately searching for an ending in the small amount of time it has left. And this review is desperately searching for a way to not have to go any further than this sentence.

Black Canary #10

Is this the cover of Black Canary's new album, Zombie Batgirl?

The Review!
I'm not forgetting that you owe me four pages of Black Canary comic book, DC Comics! Until then, I refuse to give a proper review of this comic book which is aimed at the type of people who describe every musical act with a hodgepodge of terms to make themselves seem more knowledgeable about music. "Tattered Cumrags is like a synth 80s basement pseudo-rockabilly post-prepunk skat (that's a type of ska scat, of course!) garage funk-jazz combo death-ballad deal with the most authentic stage act I've ever been seen enjoying. You should read my review on my music blog!" In much the way that I like this new hip style of comic book in the pages of Batgirl, I can't stand it in the pages of Black Canary. I might still roll my eyes whenever Batgirl's creative team tries to make the comic book like a video game or shows her shopping at artsy toy stores full of anime and record albums, or expresses how social contact through technology is literally the most important thing to young people, or overuses the word literally, but I still enjoy the characters and the stories. Or should I say "story" since every story has been somebody trying to steal Batgirl's mind or identity. But when this comic book does any of those things, I just can't stop making jerking off motions with both hands and maybe even one of my feet. This comic is like a man who cultivates a beard and uses oils on it and feels proud of it when all he's really done is not fucking shave. I resent young people with beards. It makes my appearance seem calculated and pretentious when it's really just that I can't fucking be bothered with staying kempt anymore.

Okay, fine. My facial hair is on point. Or are we still saying on fleek? Okay fine. I've never said that in my life. I'm sorry I even brought it up.

The Commentary
This issue begins with Babs and Grumps checking out Black Canary videos on whatever the DC You calls YouTube which I would never acknowledge even if I could remember what they call it. So right from the start, I'm making jerking off motions all over the place. Although in the video, Black Canary's boobs are fleeking the fuck out, so I'm enjoying that much, at least. Plus the comic begins to read like a Batgirl book anyway so maybe I'm coming around on this Black Canary thing. As long as she stays away from the music scene, I might be able to enjoy reading this comic book (even though it still owes me four pages).

I can't even imagine how that mistake in the last panel comes about. At first glance, it seems obvious that the word balloons are on the wrong characters. But why would Moritat have drawn Grump Canary so happy and Barbara looking so pissed? Except wait! The one in the back actually is Grump Canary! You can tell by her lack of lips and her cuffed trousers. But then why is she suddenly wearing Barbara's shirt and sporting Babs's hair color? It's not like Moritat was using an inker who might have fucked it up and sketched in some changes. Can the colorist make changes like that? Is this Lee's fault completely?! Not to mention the editors who let this panel through!

Oh wait! I found Grump Canary's lips!

How did she do that? Was she just sucking them in the entire time?!

Just when I thought I was going to enjoy this Batgirlized version of Black Canary, the duo go to stop some guy named Mad Wax who is robbing a record store. OH MY GOD THIS COMIC IS SO COOL IT TAKES PLACE IN A RECORD STORE FUCK ME ARGLE BARGLE!

Mad Wax recognizes Grump Canary as D.D. and flips the fuck out because it allows him to use words like "amazing" and "E.P." I hate him. I especially hate Mad Wax because how does he afford henchmen when he's merely stealing records? It would probably be more profitable if he worked alone and instead of stealing records, he just used his encyclopedic knowledge of them to find rare tracks being sold in record stores that don't know any better and then selling them online for a huge profit. I guess that wouldn't be cool enough. Who would take his weekend DJing gig seriously if he was just a record buyer and not a Gotham super-villain!

Grump Canary is in town to do some research with Batgirl's help. It's all in the name of figuring out what happened to Dinah's mom and why Dinah's aunt is now the leader of a Ninja Death Cult and how Vixen might be tied into it all as well. And then Moritat's six pages of art end and I lose about 30% of my interest in reading the comic book. No offense to Sandy but I fucking love Moritat's art.

The rest of the story is a fight between Grump Canary and an electric ninja looking to learn the Five Heavens Palm technique created by Dinah's mom. But Dinah doesn't know it so the electric ninja kills herself for nothing. Afterward, Dinah discovers her band is in Berlin and playing in a club that's owned by some guy who is tied into the mystery of Dinah's mom's death. So it's back to Germany next month!

Bombshells #6

Wink, wink!

I'm home tonight instead of driving around making my business thrive because the roads in Portland are currently sheets of ice. Therefore I've decided to work on my second business which is writing unhelpful comic book reviews! And which of my reviews are more unhelpful than my reviews of DC Comics Bombshells?! Practically none of them because in the other ones, I don't spend the majority of the time hoping women will kiss. I mean, I spend my time reading the comic book thinking that, obviously! But I don't write about it as much as I write about it while reading Bombshells!

I have a theory! The main reason guys like lesbian pornography is because we think men are just as disgusting as women think we are! Who wants to watch a man be sexy? It's gross! I can watch a man chop down a tree or swing a golf club or light a cigar and suck the shit out of it but I don't want to see him kissing a woman passionately. When I see that, I just think, "Poor woman!" Actually, men doing things that aren't sex is when men look most sexy. Some people think men in porn are skanky looking dudes but they're not! I bet they look super sexy trying on a tuxedo! It's just that filming a man's bone face while he stares at the woman desperate for a taste of his cock is like farting in the Louvre. I'd explain that analogy further but then why bother using it at all?!

My theory is probably wrong. But I plan on doing experiments to test it! Does Craigslist have a Science Section?

This issue begins with Mera destroying a German sub with a zombie crew. She conscripts a few whales into service on the side of the Allies which seems a bit presumptuous. How does she know they're not in favor of whatever Germany was in favor of. I think it had something to do with a worldwide eugenics program. It might also have had something to do with real estate and paranormal artifacts.

After Mera gets done flirting with the seamen, she meets Starikov and Stargirlikov.

I don't remember why I chose to scan these panels. Mera looked sexier in some earlier panels!

After battling for the requisite number of pages, the women stop and chat. They discover that they're all on the same side and choose to work together to save the world with copious breaks for kissing.

The next story features Batwoman and Catwoman so it will be the sexiest of all three stories. Unless the last story is a Harley Quinn/Poison Ivy romp!

While out blowing up tanks, Batwoman discovers a hideout for swing kids. Those are kids who swing. It's right there in their name. And one of those swing kids is The Huntress. And some of the swing kids are zombies! No wait. The zombies are of the undead German soldier variant so I guess they hate swing music. Batwoman watches The Huntress take a few out with her crossbow guitar and decides she wants to adopt her.

After the war stories are over, will this just morph into a Bombshells Birds of Prey book?

Catwoman and Lex Luthor pull up as Helena mentions she's the leader of the German Youth Resistance. Helena hides in Catwoman's trunk as Batwoman gets in to go have dessert with Lex and Selina. What kind of fancy French dessert is a ménage à trois? It sounds delicious!

Then there's a panel where Batwoman is simply saying "...eee." which means it's totally going to become an Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea header!

On the way to dessert, Lex shows Batwoman his new toy: kryptonite! I guess that will stop...let's see...doing the math...one of the Bombshells so far! Utterly useless, Lex! That should be Lex's new nickname: Uselex.

There is no third story. There is just a bunch of epilogues to the stories that have been taking place. Supergirl and Stargirl join the Bombshells and change their uniforms so they aren't quite as Soviet looking. Kate Kane misses out on dessert (or is coming back from it, seeing that she's in a new dress) because Brother Night tries to kidnap her. Wonder Woman breaks out of prison and goes on the lamb with Steve Trevor. Harley and Ivy continue their road trip to Germany while creating more Nazi zombies.

And Zatanna flirts with Bunny Constantine.

The Zatanna and Bunny Constantine gets a longer epilogue than the others because it's both sexy and too adorable for words. Especially this panel:

Now I want a bunny so I can teach it to smoke.

DC Comic Bombshells #6 Rating: No change. Overall, the art this issue didn't do much for me. Except for some of the bunny shots of Constantine and Zatanna wishing for Milan. I hated the relationship between Zatanna and Constantine in Justice League Dark but I could get behind this one. Their "will they/won't they" chemistry really works. Unless it only works because I can't stop cooing over the widdle bunny. I'm also cooing over Zatanna's cleavage but in a very different manner. I don't know why so many Bombshells comics have been coming out but I can only assume it's because they had a backlog of them from when it ran digitally and DC has been catching up on all of their late comics in December. It's probably for tax reasons. Isn't everything for tax reasons?

Black Canary #5

This cover reminds me I need to catch up on iZombie Season Two.

Annie Wu is still being lazy and refusing to draw issues of Black Canary, so Pia Guerra is back. I guess that's okay. She did a good job of making me want to put my penis on top of Bo's vagina, or however that works. I wonder what would happen if I entered "vagina" into Lord Google? Here are the things that pop up (besides you know what! Hee hee!):

"Amy Schumer on her dating life": That's because she has a vagina and vaginas are used in dating. I'm only guessing since I didn't actually click on the link.

"Jessica Biel, Vibrators, Vagina": This must be one of those SAT questions.

"Mike Tyson: Khloe's vagina saved Lamar...'brought him back from the dead'": Holy shit. Somebody should bring back the show In Search Of and the first episode should be "In Search of...Khloe Kardashian's Vagina." Tomorrow, I'm going out and getting a bracelet that reads "If found dead, put penis on Khloe Kardashian's Vagina, or however that works." I'm going to live forever!

"The Vagina (Human Anatomy): Picture, Parts, Function...": I guess you have to be specific if you're looking for like a cat vagina or something.

"Vagina - Wikiepedia, the free encyclopedia": What do nerds know about vaginas? Go here if you want to believe they have teeth and can cast curses. I mean if they can't. Can they?

"What Men Think of 8 Vagina Types (Yes, Really)": There are eight types of vagina? I can only think of five: Normal, Sideways, Rotating, Penis, and Mostly Hair.

"10 Wonderful Things You Should Know About Your Vagina": This is from Women's Health Magazine's website so it's probably biased. I bet Maxim has a totally different set of wonderful things.

"The Best Ways To Touch Her Vagina": This is from Men's Health Magazine so it probably doesn't list things like "with her consent" or "with clean hands."

I couldn't just leave that last one without wondering what their advice was! So the first thing they recommend is to stroke her clitoral hood. The image to go with this advice is a woman looking under the hood of a car. Now I'm super confused about what I'm supposed to be doing. Shouldn't the picture be the thing I'm supposed to find?! Based on this picture, I'm expecting to find a pull tab to check my lady's love juice levels and a severely crusted battery.

This is the image they use for "caressing her cervix" which must be a euphemism for "kick her in the vagina as hard as you can."

Okay, now that I know how to touch a vagina (but not what one looks like! Some diagrams really would have helped), it's time to pick up some horny ladies in the bar at the bowling alley! But since it's Halloween, It will be extra intimidating, so I'm just going to stay home and read Black Canary. Maybe I'll try it next week! Except the new Call of Duty comes out next weekend. Bah, maybe I'll find a willing vagina next year.

Black Canary begins this issue by saying all the wrong things to say at the beginning of a story.

Stories need conflict and if you say things like this at the beginning of the story, you're making it easy for Conflict to say, "Hey! What a great idea! She loves these people so if we put them in danger, conflict! And then the resolution can either be she saves them or they die. Doesn't really matter. I did my part! Conflict rules!"

Somebody backstage is not happy about Black Canary's onstage lovefest. He's all, "Grump grump grump stare stare." That must be Conflict.

The band's bus was destroyed by ninjas or aliens so now they're traveling in a minivan. Conflict let's Dinah know that he really felt the love but I don't think he really felt it at all. Also Conflict turns out to be Kurt Lance. I forgot he was hanging around trying to get this comic book cancelled.

Apparently the band is out of the money the label gave them for the tour because they had to pay for rebuilding every venue they've played in. So now they can't stay in a hotel and have to sleep in the woods where the murderers live. While they're making camp, we learn that Byron's sister is named Shelley and then we all puke. At least I did! She probably has a couple of brothers named Keats and Barrett Browning. And she probably grew up with a parrot named Coleridge who wouldn't shut the fuck up. "Water! Water! SQUAWK! Everywhere! SQUAWK! Ruin the wedding! SQUAWK! Ruin the wedding!"

Over veggie hot dogs and S'mores, Dinah decides that the record label is behind some kind of conspiracy and the band is being used by them. She also clears up the whole Ashes On Sunday thing which was so obvious it's no wonder I couldn't figure it out. Ashes was just the band she was in before she ditched them because the record company offered her a lot of money to replace Bo in Alas Insane and change the name to Black Canary. They also forced Ditto on the band. I think they might be creating a rock band that is also a super weapon.

While sleeping, Black Canary is stuck with a needle by the good ninja in white!

Darn it. I wish Dinah slept in frilly underwear.

The White Ninja isn't as good as her white clothing would lead you to believe. She's taken a sample of Black Canary's juices and kicked her and thrown ninja stars at her. But Dinah keeps up the chase through lots of pages without any words. Eventually Dinah loses her because ninjas are impossible to follow through trees. They can run along the tiniest branches while fat-ass non-ninja types just break everything and get caught in shrubs and twist their ankles. And since the chase is over, it's time for the record signing in the morning!

At the signing, Black Canary gets called out by a bunch of other bands for a Band Fight! Band fights are always called Battle of the Bands and they're serious business. One time after Iron Maiden had put out a couple of records, they lost a Battle of the Bands and their lead singer was cannibalized by the other bands. Later they hired some guy named Paul Di'Anno to pretend that he was their original singer but true Battle of the Bands fans know what really happened. Fear of the repercussions of a losing Battle of the Bands competition is also why Pete Best left The Beatles. It was a Battle in which the losing bands would all be placed under Gypsy curses. The Beatles were young and inexperienced and lost. It's why Lennon was eventually murdered, Harrison died of cancer, McCartney lived way too long to matter to anybody anymore, and, although everybody knows there was a fourth member, nobody can remember him because he ceased to exist.

I don't think these youngsters know how serious a Battle of the Bands is! I bet Bo's band is the last band and she set up the challenge by putting Satan's dick on top of her vagina, or however that works.

Backstage, Heathcliff reveals that he's in love with Pomeline. I mean, he reveals that the fifth band is Bo's band, "Bo M." Is that short for Bowel Movement because that's a good name for a band. I'm ignoring everybody who is telling me what it really means because I'm pretending it's short for Bowel Movement. La la la! I can't hear your poorly pronounced French! La la la la la!

Dinah watches Bo perform and realizes that maybe she needs to learn to move on stage the way Bo does. Dammit, Dinah! Everybody has been telling you that you need better movement and stage presence! I might be wrong but it feels like she's been told by every other character (except Ditto but you can see in Ditto's eyes that she thinks Dinah is a cold fish and a wet blanket too) that she needs to learn some moves! Most of my critical reviews have been filled with me screaming things like, "Maybe you should do your martial arts on stage, you barn owl!" But it took Bo's sexy, sexy moves to make Dinah realize that maybe grinding her vagina against the mic stand isn't the only move she needs.

Dinah also discovers that Bo has learned how to do the Sonic Scream! Whoops.

Black Canary #5 Rating: +1 Ranking. I wish I was reading more comic books meant for adults because there isn't enough sex or nudity in DC's comic books. No wonder people write fan-fiction because I really want to read a story about Bo sitting on Dinah's face now. The conflict of the story should be whether or not they're going to get into some serious ass-play. But I guess for a comic book targeted at teens, this one is pretty good. I guess teens don't know about sex so sex is forbidden in these books. Stupid teens! You're ruining it for everybody!