The Darkseid War Special #1

Why is this a thing? Why isn't it just Justice League #49? How is Justice League ever going to make it to #52 before Rebirth at this rate?!

The Review
Justice League has fallen two or three months behind all of the other series so what does Geoff Johns choose to do? Insert more specials! I suppose that's because he realized he wasn't going to finish his epic tale before Rebirth erased it all. Not that Rebirth is a Reboot. DC can't say that enough! But we all know things are going to change. I have a feeling every Rebirth issue is just going to be pretty pictures and a mediocre story revolving around the same statement to fans: every story DC has ever published in the past is canon no matter how weird and inexplicable it makes the DC Universe. That's how I see it already anyway. I don't take my cues from DC about what stories make Batman the real, current Batman. How am I supposed to compartmentalize all of the Batman stories I've read over the years so that when I'm reading New 52 Batman, I know exactly what he's experienced and the things he's been through? I still read Batman believing that he used to climb up the sides of buildings and have brief conversations with sixties television stars. Hell, I still think Batman had all of those adventures with the characters from Star Wars and the soldiers from G.I. Joe and the creatures from the Masters of the Universe as they drove around my backyard in Barbie's pink Corvette! Anyway, this issue of The Darkseid War may also have been slotted into place because it's mostly exposition. I guess after all the blockbuster fights and crazy changes in personality the Justice League has gone through, a brief explanatory respite was in order for anybody who was a bit confused as to why Darkseid and The Anti-Monitor were fighting in the first place.

The Commentary
The Darkseid War is still going on because Geoff Johns believes stories that go on for-fucking-ever are what fans are craving. Big, blockbuster, over-the-top stories that make no sense but aren't limited because nobody at DC Comics has a position higher than the writer of the stupid thing. And apparently nobody has the balls to tell Zack Snyder...I mean Michael Bay...I mean Geoff Johns that length and thickness aren't the only thing that matters. Although, let's face it, DC Fangenders really can't get enough of Johns love muscle--and I don't mean his heart--pounding away at their colon. Every story doesn't have to forever change everything, Geoff. You can fucking calm down a little bit. Some people might not think I should be the one to suggest subtlety to another writer but then those people who don't think I'm subtle are probably missing 90% of the shit I'm expressing. Because I'm a motherfucking subtle son of a bitch!

I probably shouldn't be ranting like this about The Darkseid War because it is kind of entertaining, isn't it? It's entertaining in the way that Geoff Johns writes those stories people have in drunken conversations about stupid fucking ideas they'd maybe like to see happen in comic books. Like "Dude, dude! No, wait, dude. What if The Flash actually raced against Death?!" Or "Check this out. What if...what if...err...Lex Luthor were ruler of Apokolips?!" "No! What if Batman could know anything in the universe? Anything at all! Like how it all began or what existed before our universe or what's the cure for cancer or how can we end bigotry and religious strife or what is the Joker's real name?!" "What if Lois Lane were secretly a web camera porn star?!" "What if The Hulk shoved his cock straight down my throat? Oh god I'm hard."

Um, anyway, what I was saying in the caption to the cover was why another special after all the other Darkseid War specials have been separated across time by other Justice League issues? How is anybody in the future, hunting down back issues of The New 52 Justice League (because Geoff Johns is revered as a god and a monster), going to know what order to read these books in? Aside from all the people with internet blog entries listing the order.

The story begins with Jessica Cruz, now completely subsumed by Volthoom, wandering around inside of the power ring while some other prisoner speaks with her. I hope it's somebody surprising from DC's history and not just the wussy cry baby from Earth-3 that was Volthoom's previous host. The voice assures Jessica that if she can find him inside the hellish landscape of the ring, she has a chance of escaping, reclaiming her body, and saving the Justice League and the Omniverse and everything else that isn't somehow included in the stupid term "Omniverse" (which I only ever use ironically or in professional essays for academic magazines). I bet the voice is a Guardian of the Universe. Or, you know, Volthoom.

The voice tells Jessica that she needs to find the battery. Why doesn't the voice just bring the battery to her? Why must metaphysical landscapes always be bound by physical laws? It's probably a weakness in Jessica's own mind that she has to interpret the realm she's in as a natural landscape to be crossed rather than an idea which could be traversed in a thought.

Meanwhile, Myrina Black and her griffon (unless it's a hippogriff) are wandering about another bleak landscape searching for answers.

I, too, like to believe in absolute truths with whatever exceptions I feel like throwing in for my own comfort.

It seems to me that perhaps it was a bad idea to fuck and be impregnated by the only person you believe has no good in them. I suppose it's like when I feel totally judgmental about something, I'm driven to experience that thing to the best of my ability and to view it with non-judgmental eyes to see if I'm being a dick or if that thing really is a shit omelette. Although I don't think I'd go so far as to think, "You know? That person is a real fucking asshole. The biggest asshole in the universe. No redeeming qualities at all! Although, what if I'm being unfair in my criticism? I guess I'll let him plant his dark seed in me to make sure!"

I bet Darkseid is a good fuck though. I bet that's the simple answer. Myrina just couldn't keep her legs closed around him. I get it! He's powerful and he gets shit done. Also he's so thick. Just seeing his hard cock probably causes the observer to orgasm. That's his Alpha Effect.

Myrina explains that she's an Amazonian assassin and her target was Darkseid. And I guess the only way to kill Darkseid was to seduce him, have his child, raise her to hate her father, and start a war between the Anti-Monitor and Darkseid. That's pretty ambitious considering I can't even plan breakfast.

Anyone who lays eyes on Hippolyta's vagina must die? Was Diana born with a penis? What did Myrina see?!

Grail explains how the entire plan came together although I'm still a bit unclear about why Myrina had to be impregnated by Darkseid. I'm just going to assume that was an accident. And even if they had the Morning After Pill back when Grail was conceived, I doubt it would have been strong enough to evict a half-Amazonian, half-New God zygote from Myrina's vagina.

Apparently Steve Trevor is now also part of the plan. The new plan, of course! The old plan was to kill Darkseid and he's dead. The new plan is for Grail to take control of the Anti-Life Equation and become a new, female Darkseid. Grail kisses Stever Trevor (even though he's apparently the wrong man since somebody before him stepped foot on Themyscira and that's the guy Grail actually wants) and he turns into Firestorm. Or maybe he's just burning alive. It's hard to be sure.

Back inside Power Ring's ring, Jessica makes it to the battery and discovers the face behind the voice that's been helping her: Cyborg. Sad trombone. I'm so disappointed right now. Geoff Johns went off his normal playbook for this twist. This should have been some kind of reveal of a character nobody ever really liked or thought much about or had totally forgotten and would never care if the character just disappeared from all of DC's records and that every...oh wait. Cyborg is one of those characters. Never mind. Good work, Geoff.

DC Comics Presents: The Darkseid War #1

Warning: most of these characters aren't actually in this comic book.

The Darkseid War in the pages of Justice League has been so confusing to so many DC fans that DC decided to publish some supplementary material to clear things up. They asked Jack Kirby to crawl out of his grave to write and draw these brand new stories and then publish them via time travel forty years ago. It's probably a lot of work and more complicated and confusing than what Geoff Johns is up to but DC Comics is run by assholes. So this is what you get, dicks.

[[MORE]] Jack's first story begins with an epilogue because Jack doesn't fucking care about your fucking rules. Jack probably drew this entire issue with his dick inside a mayonnaise jar. Don't fucking judge! It was Kosher mayo! Jack also ends every single sentence with a fucking exclamation point! I might be a little bit in love with him! This shit is so exciting!

Get it? "Death-Flash"?! Jack Kirby is a genius the way he immediately ties this story into the current Justice League run. "Run"?! Get it?!

Some people write comic books. Other people write great heaping piles of shit that other reluctantly admit can sort of fall into the category of comic books. And some people write mystic manifestos of mind-altering majesties and those people are named Jack Kirby! After the epilogue is over and all of the old gods are dead, Jack introduces the first of the New Gods: Orion! He wields the ASTRO-FORCE! He has heard the word and the word is battle! He has flown out of vast space "where the mysteries deepen, and hide, and wait with answers not yet known"! Holy shit! My aura just came!

Jack Kirby rightly declares right on the title page that this is "an epic for our time." Take that, Geoff Johns! You tried to subtly compare yourself to Homer but Jack has the balls to just come right out and declare it! This is a fucking epic, bitches!

I'm only four pages into this 100 page spectacular and my mind has already been blown! I don't know if I can take 96 more inches of Jack's literary cock!

Lightray shows up to help lead Orion back to New Genesis because Orion is blinded by battle! Probably. I mean, it's also possible he's just lost because space is pretty big. Lightray is the New God nobody ever names as their favorite.

This is what is known as "sexual banter." Now I want to name my penis Astro-Force! And my asshole "The Chamber Which No One May Enter!"

Orion doesn't have time to suck off Lightray! He needs to talk with High-father about trouble on Earth. Lightray points out that High-father is in the park staring creepily at the children.

Orion finds High-father and they go to stare at a blank wall. Orion can't help but admire High-father's Wonder-Staff. I wonder if Jack Kirby's dictionary had a misprint and defined "epic" as "gay porn"?

Metron interrupts before things get too weird.

Icy mask?! So catty, Orion!

Orion clenches up and contorts his body so that when he says to Metron "For a scrap of knowledge you would sell the universe into slavery!", everybody knows he has diarrhea.

High-father and the other members of New Genesis have no ability to pursue their own course in life so they wait for the mysterious flaming hand to write out messages on the Source Wall. Today it writes, "Help me--High-father puts his dick on me constantly--I am shamed!" It also suggests Orion go to Apokolips and then to Earth and then to War. While Orion struggles to read the words, Metron slyly points out that he knows Orion is Darkseid's son. High-father shushes him and compliments his wavy eyebrows that will be held back by no man nor god.

On his visit to Apokolips, Orion encounters some para-demons who try to stop him but they are overwhelmed by the sight of his Astro-Force. Orion lands and parks his bike by the giant Darkseid statue so it'll be easy to find when he's ready to leave.

Orion with his Astro-Force dribbling from use.

Orion finds the palace of Apokolips abandoned by everybody except a naked guy in tight fitting cut-off Levis with long hair and a beard. It is Kalibak the Cruel! He waves his giant phallus in Orion's face! But before Kalibak can compare his Beta-Club to Orion's Astro-Force, Metron arrives to seal Kalibak in an impenetrable field! Orion gapes at Metron because Metron really should close his legs while sitting in the Mobius Chair. Nobody wants to look at that.

Metron just came to tell Orion that he needs help but Orion says, "I know my task! I will do it well! High-father knows I will perish before I fail!" But does he really know his task? He must go to Apokolips and then go to Earth and then go to War. It's kind of vague. But that's okay because Metron has all of the details! I guess writing all of the details on the Source Wall would take too much time so the flaming hand just slipped Metron some notes to pass on to Orion. It seems Darkseid is building a complex system of tunnels underneath the Earth where his "Mass-Director Unit" will listen to the thoughts of all of Earth's citizens until it finds the one mind that knows the secret of the Anti-Life Equation! Why an Earthling knows it, I have no idea. I think it's because we're special or else we're all parts of an elaborate computer system called Earth that was purchased by Darkseid for the sole purpose of coming up with the Anti-Life Equation. That sounds reasonable because I once read a science book that said that's exactly the reason for the Earth's existence. It was called something about hitchhikers or something.

Metron leads Orion to some human prisoners Orion must take back to Earth and then leaves which releases Kalibak from his prison.

I feel flush!

A very sexy fight ensues where Orion's Astro-Force smothers some of Kalibak's Beta-Club emissions but Orion still catches some of the spray. Orion retaliates by ejaculating a powerful beam from his Astro-Force which knocks Kalibak off of his feet! Orion and the humans escape down a boom tube leaving Kalibak to yell uselessly at the wall.

On Earth, Orion learns that he rescued a secretary and an insurance broker and two other boring people. Mission accomplished! I can't believe the Source Wall wastes its time on rescuing nobodies.

The first chapter ends with the prologue and I'm left wondering who this great Jack Kirby was who flaunted the rules of literature so flagrantly! He also ends with the phrase "the king of evil--O'Deadly Darkseid." Hmm. That doesn't sound like something a genius like the one I've been worshiping since the start of this comic book would say! Jack Kirby was drunk when he wrote this, wasn't he?

The second story doesn't continue with the first story so now I have no idea if Darkseid ever tunneled under the proper person and learned the Anti-Life Equation! I guess that's because that part of the story is what Geoff Johns was writing! Oh yeah, that totally makes sense now!

The second story involves The Forever People so it's going to be shit. It also has a guest star!

Immortal?! Who the fuck knew?!

I thought this book was about the Darkseid War?! What the fuck are the Forever People doing in it? Dan Didio must be behind this bullshit. I'd better not have to read an OMAC or a Challengers of the Unknown story as well! Although I wouldn't mind if there were a tale of The Demon in here! I suppose those things won't happen because at least the Forever People are from New Genesis.

The story begins with Mark Moonrider calling Big Bear a "hairy ding-a-ling!" It's not as sexually powerful an image as the Astro-Force but at least it's still concerned with dicks. I was worried maybe this story was written by Jack Kirby when he was out of his "a dick in every pic" story telling phase.

The Forever People run a young couple off of a cliff but Vykin manages to save them with his inanimate girlfriend, Mother Box.

She was fine while almost dying but when a strange black man approaches the car, she faints.

If you're thinking, "Hey, Tess. That's not cool making a joke about some white kids being scared of a black guy because it's a serious issue that has cops everywhere treating black men and women as animals while giving tons of leeway to white people in the exact same situations," then I've got a follow up panel for you.

See? Scared white people.

Serifan points out to the others that the young lady is scared of Black Vykin so he rushes to her side with a bouquet of flowers. She feels much safer with a white guy reassuring her. Before Serifan can get lucky, Bobby and his girlfriend rush off to take pictures of the boom tube to sell to Jimmy Olsen for a pittance of what Jimmy will be paid by the Daily Planet. But they'll feel good about helping!

The Forever People have come to Earth to rescues Beautiful Dreamer from Darkseid's clutches. He stole her for the same reason Bowzer stole Princess Peach: patriarchal bullshit. Darkseid has also hired Inter-gang as his Earth henchmen because he's too stupid to realize that will attract Superman's attention.

At the Daily Planet, Superman ponders if the people of Earth secretly hate and resent him. Yes, Superman. Yes they do. Jimmy rushes in with the boom tube photos he practically stole from his friends.

The resolution on his friend's photos is amazing for the seventies!

Superman rushes off to investigate the kids and is attacked by Inter-gang because they believe in Dracula. Wait a second. Let me reread that. Let's see...more to Darkseid...crime empire...small apples...makes me believe that Dracula is alive and well in Transylvania. Yeah, I guess I read that correctly.

Superman is blasted by Inter-gang but he retaliates by tearing down a telephone pole and hurling it through the helicopter, killing the crew. No, no! He knew they would all bail out and parachute to safety. And I'm sure the telephone wires he toppled weren't important at all. Anyway, Superman meets up with the Forever People and they call him a clown.

Some shit goes down and the Forever People are forced to call Infinity Man for help. Talk about a clown! Hoo boy! Not only does he operate to different universal laws, he also follows different universal fashion trends. Infinity Man shouts for Darkseid to surrender and Darkseid appears and says, "Yeah, yeah. Let's not fight because Beautiful Dreamer was no help to me. Take her with you and we'll call this a draw." And then there's a denouement and then Superman almost bails on Earth and then he's sad for a bit and then it's over.

The third story is the origin of Mister Miracle. It's going to escape my commentary because these 100 page spectaculars take forever to write about.

The final story is the story of the peace treaty between New Genesis and Apokolips and the exchange of sons between High-father and Darkseid. Everybody knows that story! Except maybe Geoff Johns who decided that Metron didn't build the Mobius Chair like he did in this story. Instead he decided everything was different because his way is obviously better than Jack Kirby's drunken way! So instead of Metron building the Mobius Chair, the Mobius Chair was built by the Anti-Monitor. Also there's that stuff about Scott Free and Orion being exchanged.

DC Comics Presents: The Darkseid War #1 Rating: Now I totally understand the current Darkseid War happening in Justice League! This tie-in was perfectly named! It...oh fuck it. It was a DC cash grab to resell old stories to people who can't stop masturbating at the thought of Geoff Johns' Justice League. I hope they got what they were searching for! I don't know what that may have been. I actually think three of these stories were good stories to tell as background for the Justice League's Darkseid War. I'm going to assume that it was reprinted because most of it is canon. Even the part about Metron building the chair is probably canon because he probably just built the boom tube which led him to the chair already built. The only problem I have with this collection is the Forever People story. It didn't belong in this thing except to maybe include Superman, a character at least most fans have heard of compared to the rest. Although it's not like he was advertised as being a part of this book so that's just a flimsy excuse for including a story that Dan Didio probably insisted on. I don't think I have the endurance to write about any more comics that are this long! I spend enough time already on twenty page comic books!

The Darkseid War: Lex Luthor #1

Oh is the Darkseid War still happening?

How many people believe that Darkseid is truly dead forever and will never return to the DC Youniverse? Just me?

Hear me out before your rolling eyes pop out of your head from scoffing so loud! DC now has an ultimate evil in the form of the Anti-Monitor, so why do they need Darkseid too?

That was it. That was my argument! Was it convincing?! Maybe I should remind you that I'm a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader so that you'll nod your head in agreement and mutter, "That's a really good point."

Maybe instead of killing Darkseid for good, they can simply take away all of his powers forcing him to be stuck on Earth where he has to get a job at McDonalds?

This McDonalds ad ran in 1976 during the brief "Apokolips Meal" campaign which eventually morphed into the whole Happy Meal thing.

This issue begins with Lex Luthor boringly saying, "Darseid is dead. Long live Lex Luthor." It's like he's not a genius at all! He's just a bore like every other person in the world and/or on Apokolips! Have you noticed that I like using the "and/or" clause construction? Even when it's not necessary and/or doesn't make any sense to use!

As Lex Luthor turns into Lexseid, he remembers a time he fell in a well when the light was really weird and dampened all of the colors so that I thought maybe there was something wrong with the printing process that developed this comic book. It even frightened me for a brief second as I thought cataracts had suddenly descended upon me! But that only lasted for a split second before I looked around my office and noticed the bright vibrant colors of my Sailor Moon lunchbox were still bright and vibrant.

It's a good thing the colors are as muted as they are or else I wouldn't have realized it was a memory of Lex's since the young person that is presumably Lex has a lot of hair and was dumb enough to fall in a well.

This scene is a metaphor for DC Comics going back to their Daddy Issues well.

Lex Luthor's clothes were burnt off during the Omeganing so now he has to climb a mountain in Apokolips with his dick flopping out. Unless his dick is the kind of dick that just kind of pokes out of the pubic hair like a barnacle waiting for some boobies to turn it into a majestic Rod of Showmanship +3. He is a Caucasian and Caucasians tend to be growers because if they were showers (SHOW-ers and not showers like the water falling) then their ancestors' dicks would have gotten frostbite and been useless. So showers never procreated in the cold climates of the north because their dicks fell off leaving only generations of growers. Meanwhile Africans were swinging their dicks around naked because they didn't have to worry about dickfreeze. And obviously a naked shower is much more enticing than a naked grower so they created generations of showers. It's totally obvious and almost certainly true biological history of the evolution of wieners. I stand by my research (conducted mostly in the locker room at the local Planet Fitness).

Lexseid decides he doesn't need his Apokoliptian Yoda and tries to kill her. But instead of killing her, he explodes, leaving him hanging off of a cliff which is the perfect time to have another memory!

The time Perry White snowballed him is a weird memory to have while nearly dying.

While hanging from the cliff, we get a pretty good shot of Lex's cock.

Well, Mr. Luthor, I apologize for assuming you were a grower.

Ardora, Lex's Yoda, offers to help pull him up from the ledge just like Lex's father didn't do when he was in the well. This is the moment when a character's heart would usually grow three sizes. But those characters aren't usually full of low self-esteem and not Omega Energy. Lex is also full of memories so he decides to remember when he first met Superman and Superman also attempted to help save his life (even though Superman was going to give him up to the authorities afterward). That time, Lex decided not to take Superman's help because he remembered how his father told him asking for help was for pussy baby whiny dum-dums. And Superman wasn't going to make a pussy baby whiny dum-dum out of Lex Luthor! Luthor would rather die than rely on charity! Or at least he'd rather die than have anybody find out that he once relied on charity because that would destroy his entire philosophy about how charity makes people weak and they might realize his two greatest books were written by a selfish charlatan who was merely embracing any philosophy that justified his greed! Oh, sorry. I was thinking of Ayn Rand.

Ardora's efforts to save Lex with little thought to her own safety cause Lex's Omega Energy to grow three sizes instead of his heart. Or maybe both grew. Along with something else, if you get my sneaky innuendo!

Lexseid and the Omega Energy become bosom pals which leads to Lex Luthor becoming the new ruler of Apokolips. Which means he now has an army of parademons to help achieve his goals. Which probably means he's going to use them for stupid shit like destroying The Daily Planet out of petty revenge and trying to convince everybody that Superman is an asshole. Oh wait, he doesn't have to do that latter one since Lois took care of it months ago.

The Darkseid War: Lex Luthor #1 Rating: Compared to most of the other Darkseid War tie-ins, this one was really good. Like the other one I liked (Green Lantern, I think? It's been so long since I read it!), this story was really driven by the character of Lex Luthor and less by the awesome spectacle of the event transforming the character into a god. I could have done with less Luthor ass and cock though.

The Darkseid War: Green Lantern #1

The Darkseid War: Green Lantern #1 Rating: Look, I'm not purposefully trying to suck Tom King's dick on a regular basis no matter how many times you see me type "I wonder if Tom King would let me suck his dick?" I even forgot he was writing this issue until the credits at the end. But it didn't surprise me when I saw his name because this has been my favorite Darkseid War tie-in comic yet. A lot of Hal's discussion with his younger self about God's not having free will I've discussed in various commentaries when talking about ridiculous characters like Lobdell's space Oracle. But better yet is Hal using his godlike powers to go back in time to give himself the comfort and words he needed. The idea that a person can only find comfort within one's own self is incredibly sad and beautiful. I was touched. This bitter, cynical heart that's probably really just a huge cat turd felt something! And it caught me by surprise when I typed "Instead he uses his powers to comfort himself when he needed that comfort and support" calling back to the earlier mention of poor little Hal needing more than hollow platitudes which is all that religion can ultimately give one who is mourning. Anyway, great tie-in to the series if not a super weird story for the DC Youniverse being that Oa still exists and the Green Lanterns aren't lost. I guess it fits in with Bruce still being Batman and Superman still having powers.

I hate to be one of those guys because I think continuity nitpicking from the fans hampers great storytelling. But sometimes the picking isn't just over a nit. This issue begins with parademons attacking Oa while the Green Lantern Corps battle for their lives. Except Oa was destroyed. And the Green Lantern Corps have gone off to another universe. So this nit has hatched into a fucking elephant that I just can't ignore anymore. I didn't mind when the story made no sense because Superman hadn't lost his powers. I didn't mind that Batman was not a cop in a suit of armor. I didn't even mind that Hal Jordan still happened to be wearing his Green Lantern uniform or that Barry Allen wasn't busy dealing with time travelers. All of that shit can be dealt with by simply deciding this story took place sometime before or after all that other shit was dealt with. But Oa still in existence and Guardians still being alive and the Green Lantern Corps still ineffectively trying to police the entire universe? That's just too much! The Continuity Nerd inside my head just stroked out and is twitching on my brain pan.

Here's my main problem, DC Comics. If you're going to have a story about a cosmic threat that threatens the very existence of the DC Youniverse, it has to be threatening the universe that exists across all of your titles! Otherwise what's the threat here? That the universe in the Justice League book is going to go down in flames but Batgirl will still be running around Burnside trying to catch glimpses of her own ass as she swings past the mirrored windows of skyscrapers? I could accept that if you'd just institute the DC Logo Color Coded Universe system I suggested in Justice League 3001 #4! Maybe the big reveal at the end will be that this Justice League battle versus the Anti-Monitor takes place on one of the infinite other Earths that we've never seen before and it will wind up being destroyed! But one member of this universe will escape into the regular DC Youniverse to become a power mad new threat! Maybe Green Lantern as Parallax? Or maybe introduce this universe's Hawk right before the entire universe is destroyed! He can be raving like a lunatic while incestually fucking the corpse of Dove as the universe disintegrates around him! But the entwined powers of Chaos and Order encase him in a bubble and he's transported to the DC Youniverse where he become Extant, a supervillain desperate to change this universe into a copy of his original! Although they're so similar, he won't have to accomplish much. Rebuild Oa. Reinstate the Green Lantern Corps. Get Superman's powers back. Convince Bruce Wayne to return to Batman duty. Get Shazam to ditch his old gods for some new ones. Maybe repaint a few buildings. Do I need to keep coming up with differences? I'm sure Extant will have a list with him.

Hal receives a message from John Stewart that the parademons have killed all of the Green Lanterns and turned them into parademons too. A Mother Box has merged with the Green Lantern Power Battery which made it suddenly religious and searching for a god. Apparently Hal Jordan has to become that god to restore Oa and the other Green Lanterns and proper continuity! But before Hal jumps up and accepts the offer to be god before the question is even finished being asked, he has to have some memories about religion and shit.

Haven't you heard, moron? God works in mysterious ways! Oh! And he helps those who help themselves! So basically He's given you the blueprints for self-reliance!

God would have helped Martin Jordan if Martin Jordan had only ejected in time and had an operational parachute ready to go and knew how to compose himself in an emergency! Although since God works in mysterious ways, Hal Jordan Sr still might have died even while trying to help himself. And then a lot of self-satisfied smug assholes could have told a poor, lost, emotionally ravaged kid who needs comfort and support that everything happens for a reason.

Hal Jordan expects to defeat one million parademons when the entire Green Lantern Corps couldn't do it. And they didn't have to fight one million parademons plus themselves! But he wouldn't be Hal Jordan if he didn't think he could accomplish what the entire Green Lantern Corps put together couldn't! His bull-headed stubborn streak full of nonsense beliefs is what makes Hal so strong with the ring!

Ahem, I don't mean to "actually" the most powerful weapon in the "world" but shouldn't that actually be "Mother Boxes are the only objects in the universe that can access the energy of The Source"?

Hal puts all of the pieces together and realizes that the Darkseid's poor, lost, emotionally ravaged Mother Box just wants to be the possession of the greatest guy in the galaxy! He's perfect for the job of new God of Evil!

I was with him right up until "the free will He gave us." God is useless. Check! God does nothing. Check! The nothing he does is necessary. Check! I guess. I mean, if He did stuff then He'd prove his existence which would destroy the need for faith which would destroy the need for Himself! Or something. My philosophical chops might not be honed as well as I'd like. That's what happens when the only people you regularly debate anything with are stuffed animals you make speak in funny voices.

God giving mankind free will is one of the funniest jokes God ever pulled! He's all, "Hey! You can do anything you want but if you don't do things the way I want you to, you'll be punished forever!" He's so passive-aggressive! Plus there were a few times where he was all, "You can have free will! Go to it!" Then mankind was all "Woo hoo! I'm gonna do butt stuff!" and "I'm gonna sleep with giants!" and "I'm gonna get drunk and build a giant boat and hallucinate putting every animal ever into it!" And God was all, "No no no! That's too much free will! I'm starting over! Except for that drunk guy and his family. You guys get in that boat and remember who saved your ass. See this rainbow. Fucking remember it, douchebags. You see that, you remember what I can do to you!"

The guy talking to Hal Jordan turns out to be Hal Jordan. I guess? Because he got time travel powers after accepting the Mother Box's offer to be a god? He tells little Hal Jordan to always believe in himself because he's his own god. And he's a much better god than that One that likes to just sit around and watch people like a creeper.

Back on Oa, Hal Jordan turns into the God of Light which is kind of disappointing. I guess when you combine evil with will you get light? I never was very good at this Lantern Light Math.

Green Lantern restores Oa with his new powers because death means nothing in comic books. It's a temporary event to excite a few neurons for a little while (a while that grows shorter and shorter every time comic books use death in this way).

What about the prisoners in the Sciencells? Do they not count?

Once Hal Jordan becomes a god, he doesn't let it destroy his humanity because he's full of mortal will! Instead he uses his powers to comfort himself when he needed that comfort and support. And then he uses his powers to destroy Darkseid's mother box. Everything is back to normal! But while a god, Hal saw that Batman was about to shove the Batchair so far up The Joker's ass that The Joker would never again need to find a place to sit. So Hal heads back to Earth to talk some sense into Batgod.

The Darkseid War: Green Lantern #1 Rating: Look, I'm not purposefully trying to suck Tom King's dick on a regular basis no matter how many times you see me type "I wonder if Tom King would let me suck his dick?" I even forgot he was writing this issue until the credits at the end. But it didn't surprise me when I saw his name because this has been my favorite Darkseid War tie-in comic yet. A lot of Hal's discussion with his younger self about God's not having free will I've discussed in various commentaries when talking about ridiculous characters like Lobdell's space Oracle. But better yet is Hal using his godlike powers to go back in time to give himself the comfort and words he needed. The idea that a person can only find comfort within one's own self is incredibly sad and beautiful. I was touched. This bitter, cynical heart that's probably really just a huge cat turd felt something! And it caught me by surprise when I typed "Instead he uses his powers to comfort himself when he needed that comfort and support" calling back to the earlier mention of poor little Hal needing more than hollow platitudes which is all that religion can ultimately give one who is mourning. Anyway, great tie-in to the series if not a super weird story for the DC Youniverse being that Oa still exists and the Green Lanterns aren't lost. I guess it fits in with Bruce still being Batman and Superman still having powers.

The Darkseid War: Shazam #1

At the end of Justice League #45, Shazam was hit by all of the lightning bolts and became God of All Gods forever. So now a twelve year old boy is running the universe. Great. It's suddenly going to be infested with Rust Monsters, Troglodytes, and Beholders. And they'll probably all have naked breasts.

Oh wait! I misunderstood the use of "God of Gods" in the last issue of Justice League. Apparently Billy's body was simply taken over by six different gods. So instead of Solomon (who wasn't a god by why quibble?), Heracles, Atlas, Zeus, Aphrodite, and Medusa silently helping him by granting him their powers, six new gods have decided to take residence in his head and bicker constantly. One of them (the "Z" one!) is named Zonuz and he's a bad dude! Billy has to keep him in check or shit is going to go down in much the way most people don't want shit to go down. I suppose if I actually continued to read more than just the first two pages of the comic book, I would know what's going on.

Shazam doesn't know what the fuck is going on either and he's several pages ahead of me. Eventually he just says his name and lightning strikes and he's a boy again. Although he only had to say "SHAZ" to turn so I think only four of the six gods inside of him matter. There is Orange Impatient Voice and Black Strength Voice and Blue Let's Chill Voice and Floppity Fire Voice! The Wizard also continues to speak with Shaz but he's just an impotent old man. Not that all old men are impotent. But when you're an old man who lives in a place called the Rock of Eternity, I have to imagine you're compensating for something.

Okay, so I got some of the gods wrong! It was mostly wishful thinking on my part. I want a Shazam with the powers of beauty and turning asshats to stone.

After transforming, Billy has found himself bouncing around The Source visiting all the New Gods whose powers he is borrowing. They begin to tell him that Zonuz was the original God of Evil but his son defeated him. Since Darkseid keeps being referred to as the God of Evil, Zonuz must be Darkseid's father, Yuga Khan. I think he was supposed to be returning as a big player in the cosmic game according to Infinity Man and the Forever People. I wonder if all these gods now inside Billy's head are the ones who Darkseid killed when he decided to stop being a Mudgrubber? I suppose I could dig out my copy of Darkseid #1 with the radical mind-bending cover but I have no idea which white box it's in. Who knew labeling things would be so helpful?!

The second New God Billy encounters is S'ivaa. I previously referred to him as Black Strength Voice. He explains how Billy was transported to The Source between syllables while shouting his name. The gods are going to fill him with information so that he can defeat Zonuz. Billy will be facing him powerless when the lightning gets done striking.

My favorite gifts are the ones that are rubbed in my face!

The next New God Billy sasses back at is the Goddess of Impulse. If I worshiped any god, it would be the Goddess of Impulse because she's sexy and she has Rob Liefeld eyes. That doesn't mean she has the gorgeous gray-blue eyes of the putty-faced man himself! No, no. That means she has the type of comic book eyes that he loved to draw back in the nineties. That isn't particularly clear because he had a number of favorite ways to deal with eyes. The Goddess of Impulse has the kind without any pupils. The reason those were choice eyes is that you never accidentally made your character go cross-eyed (which was a common mistake when you're drawing skill-set is that of an eight grader drawing demons and anime characters on your Pee Chee folder). The other Rob Liefeld eyes choices were having one eye covered or having one eye simply be a glowing box!

I suppose I'd have to allow myself the possibility to also worship any of the Greek Gods since I'm really just looking for a god who is willing to fuck me. I'd prefer that my god fucked me while looking like Ally Sheedy around age 23. But I suppose if I can't choose, I'd take being ravaged by a swan or a willow tree.

Billy Batson doesn't spend much time with Ate the Goddess of Impulse before heading off to see H'ronmeer. Isn't he the god of Martians? Does that mean I should recognize the other gods as well?! Is Ate some kind of speed force god that was connected to Bart? Anyway, H'ronmeer is all, "Get this one, kid. Totally impresses the masses: 'Change is the only constant!" BOOM! Philosphical mic drop! KERCHING! Is that a thing the kids say? 'KERCHING'? Sometimes change can be a motherfucker to keep up with, you know?" Then Billy is all, "You think you know me? You don't know me!" And H'ronmeer is all, "This one is precocious! He might be able to defeat the father of Darkseid with his mighty talk-back!"

No! Beautiful Dreamer's dreams have all come true! The end of everything is upon us! If only Mark Moonrider had been a better lover, he could have kept her from dreaming!

Yuga Khan points out that now he can turn into Shazam and harness the power of four gods because he counts just as well as I do. Which happens to be better than the editors can count.

I suppose Zonuz was supposed to be the "Z" but the wizard couldn't handle him. So I guess it's going to be whoever the hell the "M" is to the rescue!

I think the "M" in Shazam now stands for "Malkovich". That way, Billy would be all, "You don't know what you're talking about, George. Dat lightning staff ain't a staff at all, George. It's a rod and when I says 'Shazam' it is going to attract da lightning, George. Oops! I didn't mean ta say 'Shazam,' George! I didn't mean to! Uh oh, George! I said it again! I said 'Shazam'! I didn't mean to hurt da Darkseid's father, George! I didn't mean it!"

The "M" turns out to be Mammogram the Wizard. He was originally an aboriginal thunder god before he became a big brother with Rock of Eternity's Big Brother/Big Sister program. Now he's overstepped his authority and put himself inside Billy Batson. I'm fairly certain that not entering your little brother or sister is like unwritten rule number one of the program. Hopefully it's actually a written rule. It seems like an important thing to tell candidates to the program.

Shazam is allowed to head back into Justice League #46 with all new powers and a bunch of stupid New Gods as his sources of power. Whose stupid fucking idea was this? Jesus Christ, comic books. If you're going to update an old character, do it in a way that will mean something to the new generation of comic book readers. Give Shazam the connections of Social Media! The boldness of Hip hop! The delicious naughtiness of Anal sex! The incomprehensible simplicity of Zippers! More Anal sex! And the victimhood of Millennials! That's a Shazam I'd want to read! Mostly for the zippers and the anal sex. His new costume might be a bit Gimpy but what are you going to do? Not update him in a totally inappropriate and probably offensive way?

The Darkseid War: Shazam #1 Rating: I guess the old Shazam was boring because he was an unsure foster kid with the powers of a bunch of old gods that nobody cares about anymore. But now the new Shazam is a confident bad-ass kid with the powers of a bunch of new gods that nobody cares about or has even heard of (shut up, nerds. I know you've heard of some of them. Great job. Pats on the backs for all of you. Go get your dicks sucked)! Plus he's now got the added excitement of being schizophrenic! I liked Shazam as a happy-go-lucky kid excited to be playing around in an adult's only world (not that kind of adult's only, pervert). But now it feels like the emphasis is going to be on the gods jabbering away inside of his head trying to tell him what to do. Hopefully all of the voices in his head thing was just to introduce the gods behind his new powers because I don't want to read a Shazam comic book that is an ensemble cast of voices. I don't mind when it's an ensemble because it's the Shazam Family because that includes a talking tiger. But I guess I'm stuck with whatever DC Comics slips into my drink!

The Darkseid War: Flash #1

I'm disturbed that this issue is called "The Darkseid War: Flash" and not "The Darkseid War: The Flash".

The Flash has a new job as Black Racer. That means he gets to reap souls while dying people cough blood and say things like, "Seriously? Death is a skier? Why am I not being hugged by Jesus?! How is reality so absolutely different than everything I believed while alive?! What's happening?! *CROAK!*"

Hey, did you guys watch The Flash this week? My only question is does Zoom ever look into mirrors? Because he looks like a bad-ass monster and yet he still thinks "Zoom" is an appropriate name? If I were Zoom, I would call myself Gonna-Fuck-Up-A-Ton-Of-Shitmonster! Although the media would probably shorten it to Shitmonster and that might be a bit embarrassing. Although Zoom can probably time travel, right? So any journalist who thought they were being clever by calling me Shitmonster, I would murder them as a baby because apparently that's a cool and totally kosher thing to do! But you have to wait until Baby Hitler is born, of course, because aborting him would be totally wrong and against god.

Of course, time travel being what it is, simply by going back in time to murder Baby Hitler in his crib changes time. You are no longer in the timeline where Hitler grew up to be a huge bummer. You very well may be in a timeline where Hitler unites the world in peace and love! So if you murder Baby Hitler, the least of what's happened is that you've committed infanticide and become a huge dick with delusions of being a savior. The worst of what's happened is that you've become the actual monster! I mean, I think you were a monster to begin with because you were ready and willing to murder a baby but that's neither here nor there nor in that other timeline.

Bullshit. Death isn't necessary at all!

Okay, yes. Death is a necessary part of evolution. But say evolution was not how species changed across time as each new generation favors attributes which help the species to survive. What if mankind were, let's say, created by an intelligent being fully formed and perfect! Then why is death needed? It is not. At that point, death simply becomes a punishment for trespassing and petty theft. Of course, why would two perfectly formed creatures need to reproduce if they were immortal anyway? Why would they be created with the ability to reproduce? That seems like a recipe for eventual overcrowding! Death is also necessary because creatures need to eat and the best kinds of things to eat are other creatures (I'm including plants as creatures in this statement because I'm not a dick who decides some living organisms are somehow better than other living organisms. I mean, as long as we're not including mosquitoes. Those guys are dicks). But then, death isn't needed to bring meaning to our lives the way philosophers and sentimental assholes like to believe. If we didn't die, we'd still find meaning in every stupid fucking thing across the ages. Christ, you can't go down the street swinging a triple flail without some asshole finding meaning in your idiocy.

The Flash begins crying over his mother some more because he's a baby. Poor baby Barry! Baby Barry want his mama?

What a startling revelation! Everybody dies! I suppose Barry will now move from "It's all meaningless" to "It all has meaning" in a few simple steps.

I hope this doesn't become a "life is precious because of its brevity" story now. How about we get real about death and forget about turning it into something sentimental which proves that every moment of life is worth that much more because it's finite. How about we learn that death is meaningless. People die in meaningless and horrible ways all the fucking time. Every death does not have to be turned into some kind of cautionary tale or be the inspiration for a new law which will save lives. How about we embrace that death is meaningless and that there is no afterlife. All we have is now. All we have is this one lifetime. That brings meaning, not because it's brief but because it's our only chance to experience life. If you know this is all you have, and all that everybody has, it makes you appreciate it more than believing you're in a dress rehearsal for heaven. Realizing this is everybody's one and only chance at existence should make you a nicer and better person all around because you know the value of every other life and should choose not to fuck it up for anybody else. Embrace the meaningless of it all and you have your meaning. Unless you're a stupid idiot like the vast majority of people. Then, by all means, keep doing what you're doing because look how well that's working out for everybody.

And now I'm thinking of this:



I can't not cry when I hear Johnette's magnificent voice sing "Life is beautiful, and terrible, and strange." Thanks for the lines around my eyes, Concrete Blonde.

The Flash accepts death while also accepting that he's going to have to be death. Although he could get lucky and walk in on somebody about to shoot themselves in the head who gets startled by him so that the guy turns the gun on Flash and kills him thus freeing him from having to be death! That happens sometimes, right?

Oh, come on, Barry! Just because you choose not to kill the people doesn't mean the people aren't going to die! Remember your revelation earlier about how everybody dies?! Just think of this job as following orders! You're not responsible!

The Flash only has to take one life to become Black Racer so he chooses to take Black Racer's life. Sure, it's a hilarious twist ending but it doesn't really make much sense, right? I mean, Black Racer is just a concept that needs a host. So in actuality, Barry would need to take his own life but that would mean Black Racer would simply find another host. I guess I should be less cynical and just root for the hero at this point.

Barry kills Death and realizes he made a little bit of a boo-boo.

I still think he should have had to kill himself to get to this point. But I guess that would mean Wally West would have to take over again and become everybody's favorite Flash all over again and Barry Allen would be forgotten for twenty five years again and who wants that? Especially if it's New 52 Wally West!

So let me get this straight. Darkseid saved the universe by tethering death to the Black Racer? Darkseid should be lauded as a hero? Is that what I'm hearing?!

Barry decides to give up his own life to save the universe and become Black Racer forever and ever. Or at least until the end of The Darkseid War (which might wind up feeling like it's lasting forever).

The Darkseid War: Flash #1 Rating: This was the best issue so far because at least it dealt with Barry coming to terms with what he needs to be responsible for versus his own humanity. This issue actually gives Barry's reactions to what's happening to him as opposed to Superman and Batman where they've just lost their humanity completely. They're all just, "Everything I say or do is right and nothing else matters and blah blah blah I am above all of these mortal concerns except for pie and justice, I guess." Hey! They sound just like me! Except for the justice part.

The Darkseid War: Superman #1

This outfit would look better with white underwear.

The Justice League have all become gods and are now acting crazy. Well, Wonder Woman didn't get to become a god because she already was a god and also why should a female superhero get her own one shot? As if anybody is going to buy it! Look at how poorly the Jem and the Holograms movie did! Not that anybody knew it was coming out. It turns out, you do have to market your film if you expect people to go and see it! Of course if your actual goal was to have your movie fail because you wanted to prove some kind of point, the Jem movie was a complete success! Seriously though, the only time I even heard of the Jem movie was seeing sponsored ads on my Tumblr feed. I think their advertising budget was however much it costs to sponsor an ad on Tumblr for a few hours. It's also possible that the company releasing the movie really loved the way Idiocracy wasn't marketed and they hired the same firm. Their motto must be, "It's a movie! The name's on the marquee! People will see it! Chill out!"

Superman is currently murdering aliens on his way back to Earth. He's not seeking them out to kill them because he's not Twat Lobo. But they're seeking him out to kill him because then they'll be the life of every party they ever go to after that. Everybody will fawn over their new Superman skin jacket and spit curl necklace. But Superman is super angry right now and he doesn't have time for sissy things like not punching somebody until their head explodes. He's also in a hurry to get back to Earth and have some seriously angry sex with Wonder Woman.

I'm so outraged at people always being outraged!

Being outraged on the internet is like being good at Call of Duty. You feel good about meaningless accomplishments that ultimately just wind up with some other person crying at the other end of the connection. Especially when you play Call of Duty against me because I am merciless with the amount of times I'll call you garbage or the number of ways I'll point out I had sex with your mom and dad.

Superman doesn't actually kill the alien that attacked him earlier. I was just being outrageous and cynical. Instead he crashes it through the wall of the Daily Planet and then humiliates it in front of his old coworkers by calling it short and stinky. Then Supes heads off to find Wonder Woman's vagina.

But first: PIE!

Superman throws a fit about not getting his pie fast enough which I totally understand. The part I don't understand is why I'm supposed to be interested in a Superman story about some guy who isn't Superman. Why exactly has Superman become an even bigger cock than usual? Because he was charged with Apokolips power? And having suddenly been fueled by this dark power to be really strong and angry, why exactly is he stopping to eat pie? Because it's funny, I guess?

The entire city of Metropolis begins being consumed by some black tar released by the puny, stinky alien. Jimmy Olsen tries to get Superman's help but Superman is eating his pie. So naturally, Superman throws Jimmy Olsen through a window. Christ, Superman. You can't just steal another superhero's gimmick! Have some respect for The Defenestrator, may he rest in peace!

No, he came for a slice of figurative pie! Now where the hell is Wonder Woman already?!

Jimmy Olsen gives Superman a pep talk to try and reach the real Clark deep within the new god Clark. But it's all lies. Every single thing Jimmy says is a lie. He says Superman hears the people's adoration for him. What adoration? Everybody fucking hates him now! He says Superman hears the love they have for him in the beating of their hearts! Love?! More like fear! If I were Superman, I'd probably fry Jimmy's face with my heat vision for making a mockery of my recent pain!

After Metropolis is completely covered in goo and everybody is dead, Superman meets a pigeon and has a change of heart. I know you're looking back at the scan of the cover and thinking, "That's not a pigeon, Tess. You're a fucking cunt." Well I respond to that with "Such language, every reader who just read that which means you thought it just like I said you would. Also, yes, I know. But it's a pigeon in the comic book. I guess Superman contemplating a pigeon isn't the most artistic image. It's actually kind of gross." So after that Superman decides to save the city in the grossest way possible.

Okay, fine. I suppose I can think of ways grosser than spitting on everything. Which this scene could represent. What if I were to say the panels that preceded this scene were of Superman sucking his own cock?

Superman's sperm eats away all of the black goop and everybody is saved. Except for Superman. He's still all fucked up but at least he knows it now. He flies off to Justice League #46 to spend that issue reverting to normal before getting back to whatever's left of The Darkseid War now that Darkseid is dead.

The Darkseid War: Superman #1: The premise of these Darkseid War tie-in books seems to be that gods don't give a shit about people. Is that really the case? Well, sure, the gods of Earth never seem to lift a finger to help humanity, so you might think that's what god's do. They simply ignore creation and reality. But the real truth is that god's don't exist! That's why it seems they're so lazy and aren't doing anything. Because they're not actually there and they're just figments of our imagination! Have you ever heard a schizophrenic speaking about their view of reality? Have you ever sat there and just thought, "How can they think any of that stuff? It's so wild and outlandish!" Well that's me listening to all of you go on and on about god and heaven and Jesus and sin and Allah and Buddha and Odin and the Easter Bunny. But the really crazy thing is how I'm seen as pitiful and crazy for thinking the way I do simply because the majority of people are of the perfect intelligence (um, you know!) to believe in mounds and mounds of bullshit. Oh! And here's another thing that sucks! Because I'm saying what I think (which is the truth, by the way!), I'll be labeled as mean and hateful and arrogant (okay, so maybe I'm some of those things! But only god should get to judge!)! And yet religious people judge and condemn people all of the time bathed in the aura of their self-righteous faith (otherwise known as arrogance!)! I'm not stopping you from believing whatever crap you want to believe by pointing out that it's crap. I might be hurting your feelings but why the fuck would that matter if you're faithful?! Just shake your head and pity me for being too stupid to see the truth! Go ahead, I'm used to it! And I'll keep smirking in that way that I smirk because everything is a joke to me anyway! Remember, I'm full of hyperbolic outrage and very real cynicism!

The Darkseid War: Batman #1

This cover looks like the logo for the teaser trailer of Batman v Superman Part VI: Batman v Superman v Batman v Green Lantern v Batman v OMAC.

People exist in this world who will look down their noses at you because you read comic books and they'll believe they're better than you because they prefer Shakespeare and To Kill A Mockinbird (and oh God how they won't shut up about how much they love To Kill A Mockingbird!). Well you know what? They're right. They have every right to think they're better than comic book readers. Because at least they're reading things that they love (even if they really only love feeling smarter than everybody around them because they can quote all the recognizable quotes from Shakespeare. Nobody bothers with the shit quotes that aren't famous) instead of constantly being let down by the stuff they read while still coming back to be let down again, month after month. No wonder comic book readers identify so strongly with Harley Quinn. We're all in abusive relationships with the most entertaining guy at the party except sometimes, instead of hugging us and making us feel good, he'd rather smack us in the face and murder everybody with gas.

I don't expect this comic book to make me feel less than human though. I expect it to pay for dinner and call me pretty. That might be a mistake because it's going to be a huge disappointment if it ignores me to check basketball scores all night and then clumsily paw at my chest while I'm trying to brush it off with a quick goodnight kiss.

Batman has recently gained all of the knowledge ever because he stole Metron's Mobius chair and renamed it The Batchair. Now he has all the answers to all the problems and will likely return to Earth, meet with a bunch of doctors and scientists, and get busy completely fixing everything for everybody for all time. Certainly he won't just go back to Gotham to stop muggings, right?

Oh Batman. So basically there is now no crime because you stop it from occurring rather than fixed the problems inherent in an unfair system that pushes people aside and cares little for those who don't immediately fit into its parameters?

So instead of using his new knowledge--knowledge which encompasses all of the knowledge of what was, is, and could be--to improve the current social, economic, and political systems, he instead decides to just cure the symptoms of the current diseased systems. Systemic poverty? No big deal! If some poor assholes have a problem with being run over and forgotten and they decide to break a few laws to try to better their situation, Batman will be there to stop them! Now everything is okay again! I guess even an all-knowing Bruce Wayne can't help but view the system through his entitled spoiled rich boy eyes.

Sorry! Why don't you just go masturbate to the real name of The Joker and just leave Gotham to get by on its own?

Batman ditches Gordon to meet with STAR Labs so he can tell them how to cure cancer, increase worldwide food production, completely eradicate malaria, and to go over plans for a nearly free method of desalinating sea water for human consumption. Just kidding! Instead he sends a bunch of violent youths to the Antarctic where they can think about the lives they almost took. Then he takes a wife beater who was about to murder his ex-wife and dumps him with the Amazons. What a jerk. That might not be as bad as walking through your neighbor's front door in the middle of the day and shitting on their living room table but it's close enough. Why the fuck do the Amazons want to deal with this guy?

Batman decides he's done enough for the world with his omnipotence for the day and decides to go back in time to keep his parents from getting killed. But apparently he can't interact with things in the past. Which you would think, since he now knows everything, he would have known. So instead Batman just goes back in time to watch his parents die in front of him. Again.

Since Batman can't save his family, he decides to torment Joe Chill.

The world's a better place already!

Batman makes Joe Chill forget all about their little meeting. Hopefully Batman got that out of his system but I doubt it. I think Batman is bound to use his new powers to torment Joe Chill every single night unless he can shake his addiction to the Batchair. He could have changed the world for the better in so many countless ways if he wasn't so obsessed with lowering the amount of muggings taking place in Gotham.

It has a built-in toilet, doesn't it?

Yep.

Batman realizes he can't get out of the chair so he decides he'll go after The Joker next. I don't know how the Batchair is going to help him against The Joker. He's defeated The Joker plenty of times in the past and he simply winds up sticking The Joker back in Arkham so The Joker can eventually escape. How is the Batchair going to improve on this scheme? It seems like Batman could save a lot more lives if he would just make that visit to STAR Labs already. I bet when Batman asks the Batchair how to stop The Joker once and for all, it'll be all, "Put a bullet in his head, dumby."

The Darkseid War: Batman #1 Rating: Well, that date was a bit disappointing. This comic book simply convinced me that Batman is a selfish prick. Not that I needed much convincing. Batman has always had the potential to do more good as Bruce Wayne than as Batman and yet he spends most of his Bruce Wayne energy on creating weapons and vehicles for Batman's battle against low level street crime. So why would an omniscient Batman be any different? Now that he has all the knowledge in the universe, why would he use it to cure society's ills? Instead he believes the knowledge from the Batchair is better used stopping various crimes in Gotham by teleporting potential perpetrators of violence all over the globe. The Batchair is better used tormenting the killer of his parents who is already in prison. And it's obviously best used hunting down The Joker, even though Batman has done that multiple times across his career with successful results. So unless Batman is going to use the Batchair's knowledge about performing lobotomies, I'm not sure how this next Batman/Joker encounter is going to be any different. I have a feeling The Joker is going to get a brief stint sitting in the Batchair although he probably won't get an entire one shot comic devoted to that adventure. I bet it would be fun though!

Justice League #42

"Only one chance to save Lex! Must...fellate...out...the...bullets!"

In the first part of The Darkseid War, The Justice League were defeated by Grail because they pulled that classic boner where they didn't fight as a team but as individual heroes taking turns. That's always how the bad guy wins in the first round! Now Batman will have to round them all up and give them a speech about how they must work together. An alternative could have been that they all disagreed on how to defeat Grail and approached the battle with different tactics. Then they would have to agree to put aside their differences for round two. "Putting aside their differences" means "listening to Batman."

This issue starts off just like my caption on the cover promised!

Superman's blow job eye contact is intense.

Superman and Lex Luthor are currently on Apokolips because Lena Luthor shot them and sent them there via BOOM Tube. She works for Darkseid now. Soon everybody will work for Darkseid. Or the Anti-Monitor who is currently on Earth-Main-Earth having been summoned by Power Ring and Grail. I might not be very clear on the particulars of the plot but I think Darkseid and the Anti-Monitor want to destroy Earth-Main-Earth simply because it's there. Somehow it's an affront to their greatness.

Oh look! Steppenwolf is as confused as I am! Now we'll get an answer straight from the Geoff Johns' mouth via Darkseid's!

Except Darkseid doesn't answer. Desaad just says, "For him. For Darkseid." Which then leaves me with the only possible reason for this war no matter how cynical: spectacle. It's all just a great big spectacle to have the Justice League battle two of the biggest, baddest villains in the entire DC Youniverse. Although after the Justice League win the war, where do they go from there? Any battle after this one will seem like a delicious piece of cake by comparison. Unless the Justice League loses! That's a possibility because then it will seem normal if they go back to fighting villains sent up from the minors. Darkseid and the Anti-Monitor can defeat each other while the Justice League lie around the battlefield unconscious and nearly dead. Except for Wonder Woman who will be lying about unconscious and nearly dead and in a super sexy position. Mark my words!

Back on Earth, Wonder Woman meets the Anti-Monitor. But she doesn't get much more than an "I am desperate" out of him before Metron arrives to BOOM Tube the Justice League to safety. Well, good thing they're safe! Just leave the Earth to the Anti-Monitor and Grail though. I'm sure it's in good hands.

Grail and Mobius the Anti-Monitor have their own discussion about the reasons for this war!

That didn't clear up anything either.

I must have just forgotten the reason for the war which was probably in the Free Comic Book Day comic, Divergence #1. So I should probably reread that so I can be reminded that Myrina Black is the Amazon mother of Grail who wanted a war to destroy the father of her child. I guess to protect her child? And why does she want to protect such an evil monster? Just because it's her child? I've heard that the bond between parent and child is usually pretty strong and nonsensical. Maybe I'm not supposed to care why everybody is fighting this war. I think I'm just supposed to be excited about it. For some reason.

Mister Miracle pays a visit to Myrina Black to get the final answer on why this war is happening. It's like this! Myrina Black knew that someday Darkseid would enslave Earth. How she knew who Darkseid was, I don't know! But her plan was to seduce Darkseid, have his child, convince his child to find somebody in the universe who could kill Darkseid, bring that somebody to Earth, lure Darkseid to Earth, and destroy most of the Earth in the ensuing battle that will kill Darkseid so that he can't enslave the Earth. Seems like a great plan!

Metron rescued the Justice League to tell them that they can't save the Earth and that they should flee from it if they want to live. I suppose Metron just likes watching the Justice League in action because why else would he bother to save them? Nobody in the Justice League believes that they can't stop the destruction of the Earth, so Wonder Woman pulls Metron out of his chair so that Batman can sit in it. Once Batman realizes that the chair knows everything, he asks it a question to calibrate it and then asks it the most important question he can think of!

Jesus Christ, you clown obsessed freak! Ask about the cure for cancer! How about a way to stop aging?! Ask it for a foolproof way to keep everybody safe from random violence! At the very least, ask it how to win Selina Kyle's heart without, you know, being sweet and kind and loving to her. Ugh! Too difficult!

After he learns The Joker's secret identity (which we'll probably never see him deal with after this war is over!), Batman declares that he's a god. Well, at least the chair gave him the confidence to vocalize what he already believed.

Justice League #42 Rating: No change. I'd probably enjoy this comic book more if I just sat back and shut up. Who cares why this is all happening? I should just be thankful that Earth is in so much trouble so that I can see the Justice League rise to the challenge! Maybe I'll get really drunk before reading the next issue. That usually helps me to enjoy broad entertainment.