Aquaman #44

Totally worth it.

This issue begins with Aquaman creeping on Mera while she sleeps.

I guess you can draw erect penises in comic books as long as you tell the censors, "No! No! That's not a boner at all! It's totally something else that isn't a boner. Seriously. Not a boner."

Speaking of censors, you can tell they must all be really old fuddy-duddies. Have any of you been watching Scream Queens? That show should be blowing the censors' minds! But all of the disgusting language is said too quickly and with words they're not used to for them to be bothered noticing. At one point, Chanel #1 calls the other Chanels a bunch of gashes. She may as well have called them cunts. In fact, calling them cunts is less disgusting than calling them gashes! It's just that everybody is trained to react negatively to hearing the word "cunt" as opposed to hearing a perfectly ordinary word like "gash" and being all, "Oh, yeah. That's cool. Much better to call a woman a slang term for her private parts which is truly descriptively horrific than to have them called the C-word!" It's moments like that in the show that make me hate it less than I'm desperately trying to hate it. I'll be watching it going, "Oh for fuck's sake! Are the writers really going to be that lazy and write the scene where a guy tells a woman to smile and then the woman kicks the shit out of him?! That's like a rock star playing a concert in Cleveland and screaming, 'Cleveland is the greatest city in America!' It's money in the bank!" But then Chanel #1 will call all the women "gashes," and I'll be saying, "That'll do, TV Show. That'll do." Suck it, old censors! You can't muzzle the youth! You can only look around confused until you finally just sign off on the show rather than admitting you didn't understand fully three quarters of it.

Just talk? The erection says otherwise.

Aquaman asks Mera why they're fighting. Luckily for Mister Master Cullen Bunn Esquire, he showed the readers that Mera is actually her evil twin Siren. Otherwise Mera being upset with Arthur about how he will destroy everything they've built together wouldn't make any sense. Because Mera didn't build anything with Aquaman when it comes to Atlantis. All they built together was a comfortable little home in a lighthouse with a dog they eventually abandoned. She also decides to be angry instead of calmly trying to work through the problem with Aquaman. Unluckily for Mister Master Cullen Bunn Esquire, he's writing Aquaman so that Aquaman doesn't have any problem with Mera acting this way. I'm just a comic book reader who isn't in love with Mera (probably) and I know this is totally out of character. So Aquaman should also realize this is out of character and that Mera isn't making any sense at all. Almost as if Mera doesn't know what she's talking about because it isn't Mera! I suppose eight pages later, Aquaman can say something like, "I know that can't be Mera! I must get to the bottom of it and save the woman I love!" But that probably won't happen because Mister Master Cullen Bunn Esquire is writing a variant version of Aquaman and Mera that he created to destroy everybody's love of Aquaman! See, Mister Master Cullen Bunn Esquire works for Marvel and they've never been happy with Aquaman having stolen Namor's thunder.

Aquaman tells Mera all about the alternate Atlantis called Thule which is totally boring because I read this comic book last month and already heard all of this shit. I bet it won't even convince Mera since she's actually Siren which means I'm hearing all about the wizards of Thule again for no good reason! Why are new readers more important than me?! Let them scour the quarter bins for the previous issues of Aquaman if they want to know all of the little details! Don't make me reread the same shit every month!

Aquaman decides he doesn't care that Mera is acting like an unfeeling jerk because he's got a huge boner that needs satisfying.

Those are Sea Roses! They bloom best in salt rich and high pressure environments!

The Sea Roses aren't the only weird part about living underwater in Atlantis. Mera's royal bedchamber isn't in any kind of bubble so she's just sleeping completely submerged in water. Along with her mattress. And her blankets. And her pillows. And the couch in the corner covered in sopping wet throw pillows. It really seems like a truly uncomfortable place!

After they have sex, Aquaman says "Well, that was..." and Mera finishes with "A mistake?" So far, that's the only moment that's struck me as truthful according to my experience!

After Aquaman puts his clothes back on, Mera transforms into Siren. Am I supposed to be angry about this because it was rape? I think I'm supposed to be mad about it. Right? I'm trying but the only thing I've really been offended by in this comic book so far were those roses underwater!

I can't wait until Mister Master Cullen Bunn Esquire writes the scene where Mera gets upset at Aquaman for not realizing it wasn't her when he was being raped by her sister! That'll be a classy moment!

She wouldn't!

Siren stabs Aquaman in the chest so he teleports away. But since he wasn't concentrating while teleporting, he winds up on another planet. What a shocker of an ending! And by that, I mean what an ending that was obviously thought up simply to end the comic book in an unexpected way which has nothing to do with the story at hand. It's a real "I'm One-Face now!" shocker of an ending!

Aquaman #44 Rating: -1 Ranking. If you're an Aquaman fan, don't bother reading this book. If you're a Mera fan, don't even look at this book. This book is a disaster. DC Comics may as well have just shipped out a bunch of baggies with dog shit in them and stuck Post-It Notes on them which read "Aquaman #44." Hell, I probably would have gotten more for my money if they'd done that.

Midnighter #2

Is kanji based on what it looks like? If so, the writing on this cover means "Fox Face Man Barbecuing Butt Cheeks."

This issue doesn't begin with Apollo apologizing to Midnighter for missing his debut comic book. Which is probably a good thing because then Midnighter would mention how he fucked this guy named Jason so it was a pretty good first issue without Apollo. Then Apollo would have to point out that he's been dating too and by dating he means sticking his dick wherever gay guys stick their dicks in other gay guys. It's not the same place non-gay guys stick their dicks in women, right? Ha! No, no! Of course it's a different place! I was just kidding around. Right?

Anyways, forget anything I just typed that might make you think I don't know how to sex up a person and remember the point I was trying to make which was this: I forgot.

Midnighter is hanging out in Al's Masse which probably means something to people that are more literate than I am. It's a pool hall! It's where Midnighter's heterosexual boyfriend works. His name is probably Al. Or Masse. Unless it's Tony!

Oh! I bet I know what his thing is! He searches bars for middle aged women drinking alone at bars with a sad look in their eyes! Then he thinks about that one time a woman actually touched his penis so that he gets a raging boner going in his too tight pants. Then he goes and talks to her while standing spreadeagled with his crotch pushed forward! It's like dangling a worm trying to get a bite!

Why would Midnighter need tips from a heterosexual on how to get laid? Guys are far less picky about sexual partners. Tony probably puts in 825% more work trying to get laid than Midnighter does. Plus Midnighter makes guys come in their pants just by walking by them. His body is hard! Is that how the gay guys say a man is hot? I totally wouldn't know because the closest I ever came to gay sex was when this guy Michael asked me if I'd ever been with a man and then, when I answered no, he asked if I wanted to be! I was too nervous to say yes. I mean, I wasn't interested! My body was pretty hard back then because I was young and awesome.

Midnighter's game of pool is interrupted by one of his Booty Calls (Asset #319, to be exact (notice he calls them "ass"ets?! Total booty calls!)) letting him know that some woman has gone hog wild in an Asian grocery store in Oakland, California. Did I need to add the California? We all know where Oakland is, right? I've totally partied there multiple times!

I'm glad I can't read Japanese or else I might accidentally kill myself making one of these sounds. Unless I'm alive because I don't speak Chinese! The name of the sounds sounds Chinese but I'm assuming the woman is Japanese because of the big red dot on the cover.

Midnigher arrives to stop Marina but he hears the six sounds which knock the wind out of him. Hearing one of the sounds a second time knocks him unconscious. Doesn't he have ear plugs that activate immediately upon hearing Killing Sounds? Pshaw! He's nowhere near as super prepared as comic books have constantly told me he is! What a loser.

This issue is called "Midnighter?" because I bet that's what Midnighter says when he meets his nemesis Trent Lucas. Or that's what the nemesis says when he meets Midnighter who looks exactly like him. Something involving clones is going to happen anyway! Mark my words! Am I not the first person who guessed Harvest was actually vampire Tim Drake from the future? I know that hasn't been revealed yet but Tim Drake is in the future now in Batman Beyond, isn't he? And you all scoffed at my prognostications! For shame!

As Marina threatens the three board members of the grocery that caused the deaths of forty-four people, Midnighter comes around. Apparently he doesn't have ear plugs strong enough to block Killing Sounds so he digs out his inner ear workings. You know? The things like the anvil and the hammer and the tiny horse. Oh! And the drums! I think there are drums in there! It doesn't throw off his balance because he's Midnighter! So he hooks a rope to the roof, jumps off the side, crashes through a window, and kicks Marina in the face. Day won!

The next day, Midnighter goes on a date with Matt who is a guy he dated last issue or something. He's super ugly so I don't know what Midnighter sees in him. Matt is concerned because Russia doesn't like gay people. But worse than going out in Moscow while being gay is going out anywhere in an American flag tank top. Yeesh, Midnighter! Pull it together!

Oh. So the main plot of this comic book is Plot Friday The 13th The Television Series! Also the bad guy is somehow Midnighter! Or a clone! Remember the clones!

Oh my god! As I turned the page in the very center of the comic book, the top portion came off the staple! Argh! My comic book is now priceless! Not the good version of priceless! What is this shoddy construction?! DC Comics, improve your staple technology! Unless you just have a lousy Staple Robot at your work. I hope you drug test your robots! Last thing I need is for all of my comic books to fall apart because I've got some Staple Robot hopped up on Quaaludes not stapling hard enough. I'm so depressed now I can hardly finish reading my comic book. Although Midnighter hasn't had any gay sex yet, so that might keep me interested. Gay sex is different than heterosexual sex in that both partners really enjoy themselves no matter how selfish half of them are (hint: it's the male half!).

The story returns to just after Midnighter kicked Marina in the face. He defeats her but still allows her to watch as he completes her act of vengeance on the board members. Take that, you stuffed shirts! Proletariat! Proletariat! Proletariat!

I hope I used that word correctly. I should hire an editor but only one that looks at specific sentences that I ask her to look at. As soon as I see her reading something I didn't want her to read and notice that sort of disgusted look that comes across the faces of people reading my stuff, she's fired! I don't need somebody I'm paying judging my writing!

After this scene, I would totally be in love with Midnighter if he had bosoms and a rounder butt and that flat front crotch area that slightly bulges and drives me crazy because that's where the good parts are!

Matt and Midnighter finish the date with Matt talking about Midnighter as if he's Dick Grayson. If Matt ever met Dick Grayson, he would drop Midnighter so fast, um, whiplash! Or something. Should I rewrite that?

During the date, Midnighter has a flashback to breaking up with Apollo. In the flashback, Midnighter admits that he made up Lucas Trent so that he could have a normal identity like everybody else. He didn't want to simply be a blank slate filled to the brim with alien technology and, probably, semen. Like Starfire! Um, anyway, see what I was saying? He isn't Lucas Trent! He's nobody! Which probably means he's a clone of Lucas Trent! Plus there are probably nanobots somewhere! There are always nanobots!

I thought it ended in makeup sex! I guess I'm not as good at midnighting as Midnighter is.

The issue ends with Midnighter speaking with Marina because he turned her into Asset 14. She's the person he now speaks with while he's out on missions since she has nothing but time. Plus she's a good potential future sidekick in about fifteen to twenty months! While speaking to her about his current mission where he's trying to track down information on the person who stole all of the goodies from the God Garden, he encounters either five hundred techno-ninjas or Multiplex.

Midnighter #2 Rating: +2 Ranking. This comic book feels like a full meal. It might also be because I stuffed a ton of free corn dogs and deep fried bean burritos into my face at work tonight also. This is a good comic book featuring a gay character. And not only that, it's featuring a gay character who is actually allowed to be gay! Holy ghosts, can you believe it?! It isn't any of this Alan Scott is gay but whoops his fiance died and now he's too sad to be gay ever again bullshit! Midnighter is properly gay and having sex with guys and everything! Maybe the "having sex with guys" is the only gay part. Anyway, now that he's met Multiplex, I have an idea! Multiplex should get a job with a super hero group as part of their Danger Room training! Instead of Batman or Superman destroying expensive technology in their training, they can beat up fake Multiplexes! And all they have to do is pay him a reasonable salary! They'd save so much money. And in the case of Midnighter, it would be perfect! He could kill loads and loads of Multiplexes and it wouldn't matter. Just good old fashioned training exercises! Um, anyway, really good comic book here! Right here! This one. You should buy it and shit.