Arkham War #6

Hey White Rabbit! Nobody liked your character! Stop making cameos in all these Forever Evil titles! The only reason you exist is because David Finch is a horrible artist that needed a nearly naked young woman to draw so that he could remain interested in doing art for Batman: The Dark Knight.

I'm still not done savaging David Finch's art! He draws men as if they've been working 80 hour weeks in a coal mine for twenty years. And in the same panel with the supposedly same lighting, he draws women of the same age as the beat-up looking men but makes them look shiny and smooth skinned and no older looking than fourteen years of age. He draws men with wide, gaping fish mouths while putting perfect, detailed touches to the underage women he loves to draw. I don't know what slander is so this next sentence is purely innocent of the law and not meant to harm anybody's reputation but here it goes anyway. David Finch has something seriously wrong with his penis. I know, I know. It's quite the claim to make after having simply read his horrible stories and looked at his awful art. But I think his penis might be cursed. He can only draw well when it's erect and straining to see over the waistband of his jockey shorts. So while he's drawing Batman, it just remains flaccid and still like a cat lounging in a nice spot of sunlight spilling through slightly opened drapes. But when he begins thinking about fourteen year old girls, his penis leaps to attention and strains to fuck the image he's producing. The magic leaps from the urethra, spraying magic drawing juice all over the page to produce images like this one:

So what if I photoshopped this image a bit! It doesn't change my argument! I mean, it might make my argument look weaker in the future court of law which I may be finding myself in. But look how much effort he put into this image of a great big bare ass and barely covered boobs! Also interesting: the bullets bouncing off the shield generated by White Rabbit's ass cheeks.

Actually, the photoshop work I put into the above picture merely changed the coloring back to what it probably was supposed to be. Look at the hem of the shorts. I didn't touch that. But the pink of the shorts extended further down her butt. I just took that out and returned her ass to the proper color. So I think my version of this picture is probably closer to David Finch's original idea for it. You know, before that traitorous colorist kowtowed to the damn editors.

This issue begins with Bane pulling Court of Owl knives out of his body and trying to heal his wounds with an arc welder while the Talons that he and William Cobb recently cut in two are busy healing themselves back together (hopefully all of their upper torsos were matched up with the proper sets of lower torsos). Bane thinks he has a moment to clear his head but he's in for a bit of a surprise when the Venomized Looney Tunes come crashing down on Blackgate to ruin his big victory.

Venom doesn't just make a person strong; it also makes them sound like complete assholes.

I think Peter J. Tomasi was completely sick of having to come up with emotionally draining dialogue between Batman and Alfred and Dick and Damian and decided, "Fuck this shit! I want to write a comic where I can make the characters shout nonsense! Why should Lobdell and Nocenti be the only writers getting away with murder?!"

But Tomasi, having some dignity, couldn't quite commit to completely inane bullshit, so he allows Black Mask to retain some semblance of intelligence when he speaks. Tomasi probably would have lost some sleep trying to cash a check earned with lines like "HEAD CHEESE!" and "OINK OINK OINK!" and "PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS!" and "TALON TASTY TREAT!" and "ROASTED PORK!"

Bane tries to quell the invasion but is a bit stymied when he sees the Arkhamites are all venomized. Will he have a sudden realization that if these idiots can suddenly become as strong as he is that he's nowhere close to being competition to The Batman? Batman's power is all natural. His will and his strength and his intelligence all come through rigorous training and discipline while Bane can only compete by taking a shortcut with a needle? No, of course not. Bane is a megalomaniac. He might see the Arkhamites as cheating because they're using his gimmick but he'd never see using Venom on himself as a bullshit tactic. He probably sees it as a weakness and flaw in Batman's character that Batman doesn't take up the syringe and make himself a better man. I think there's an applicable analogy in there somewhere in regards to capitalism and big corporations and asshole lawyers and dirty practices. Jesus would be able to ferret it out and create a nice parable. Although the disciples wouldn't understand because they were all idiots so he'd wind up just explaining it anyway.

Bane is kidnapped by Man-Bat and flown to Arkham where the other inmates meet up with him to teach him a lesson.

I don't think I want to hear the second since the first one is a delusional lie. Venom is absolutely all it takes to become like Bane! Unless he was talking about the luchador mask.

A big brawl commences where Bane talks a lot of shit. Probably because he has a right to since he defeats the entire lot of Arkhamites. But his victory doesn't last for long. It can't because this series is over in just a few pages! Unless it goes to issue seven unlike all the other Forever Evil offshoots. Plus The Penguin arrives to stamp some kind of an epilogue and maybe a moral of some kind on this war.

The Penguin doesn't have anything intelligent to say, so I expect this series is going for at least another issue. The Penguin just takes all of the defeated Arkham Inmates away in cells. All except The Scarecrow who is left to be used as an example by Bane. You know. He'll probably tie him up like a scarecrow to frighten away all of the little rebellious assholes that might try to steal a piece of Bane's cash crop of Gotham City.

I suppose this series needs to make it past the end of Forever Evil so Batman can finally turn his attention back to his home town and hiss, "Bane!" And Bane will scream "EEEEP!" and run back to Santa Prisca.

Arkham War #6 Rating: No change. Just a bunch of musclebound oafs knocking the crap out of each other. You could get the same entertainment by watching wrestling or going to a frat party, depending on how much homo-eroticism you're looking for. If you want a super ton lot of it, might I suggest the frat party?

Batman: The Dark Knight #7

I hope this is the real final final battle with Bane. I know Bats won't kill him, but maybe he'll overdose on his Venom.

David Finch is back to being a co-plotter which I suspect was the case for the last issue as well. I don't think Paul Jenkins has really been taking part much in this thing. I think he's just adding his name to get a bump in his salary.

Batman was getting his ass handed to him by Bane last issue but this issue opens with Batman pulling a disappearing act on the gigantic idiot. Bane thinks he smashes Batman with a rock but what probably happens is that Batman is pushed out of the way by the rock displacing the water and Batman is washed up on shore away from Bane. Probably since it really just looks like Batman was smashed and then disappears.

Batman quickly assesses the situation.

Infinitely stronger? I think that's infinitely improbable! And smarter than the Batman? Because of the drug? He's just a big dumb oaf to begin with! How could Batman make this assessment of Bane's intelligence this quickly? Batman outsmarted him by getting away, right? Batman is stupider than Bane! Oh wait....

Batman searches the one building in the area not destroyed by his fight with Superman and discovers Bane has a prisoner.

Oh, there were clues! I forgot about those. Forget whatever I said about Poison Ivy being a dead end.

Poison Ivy was kidnapped because Bane may have needed her to help make the formula but he definitely needed her to procure the rare flower used in the making of the new Venom. I'm surprised Batman is willing to just let her go. I'm not quite as surprised that he knows about her involvement with the Birds of Prey or that he knows about the Birds of Prey operating in his city. But why allow it? Doesn't he usually frown on other vigilantes that aren't part of his Bat-Family and thus under his thumb a little bit?

Again I missed something though. The Virgin Star Cactus, the rare plant Ivy gave Bane access to, was used to create an antidote for the new Venom. It's what was waiting for him on the Batplane. It needs to be ingested to work, so Batman is going to figure out how to get Bane to open wide. It would be easy if it were Catwoman who needed to ingest the antidote! Or Robin.

Batman and Bane call each other chicken and resort, once again, to fisticuffs. Meanwhile, The Flash outruns the Venom by running too hard. Or something. Who fucking cares? It's all Comic Book Magic anyway! After he outruns the poison, he zips back toward Gotham to help Batman. Superman just stands around in a cornfield in Kansas because the comic book would probably end too quickly if he headed back to help Batman as well.

Back in Gotham, Bane is still going on and on and on about fear. Geez. This entire story did nothing to actually show Batman afraid of anything. Not once was there any emotion involved in the revelations of the things Batman might actually fear. And now he's admitting to himself that he fears Bane. But he fears failure more.

This entire story might have had something interesting to say about Batman and fear but the execution was atrocious. I should go back through and read the story without reading the Narration Boxes just to see if it makes any sense. Because a good comic about revealing Batman's fears would do it without constantly telling the reader about fear over and over and over. And every fucking enemy Batman met in this story harped on fear like they were all in on it together instead of just all randomly out on sprees while cracked out on Venom.

So, where did I leave Bane and Batman?

Oh yeah.

The Flash arrives just in time to catch the vial of antidote. After which, Batman punches Bane in the throat and throws the antidote into Bane's mouth. Yeah, I didn't skip anything. The Flash never gives the antidote back to Batman to toss in Bane's mouth.

I know The Flash could have quickly given it back to Batman. But that's just making excuses for the poor storyboarding.

Batman shoves Bane off the cliff where he just stands at the top with The Flash and they watch Bane, unconscious with his Venom about to wear off, slip into the water and disappear. Batman casually says, "He'll be back." Yeah? Or he's going to drown. For someone who refuses to kill, it seems awfully irresponsible to just let an unconscious man disappear under the water. And why let him go anyway? The Flash could easily run down and drag him off to whatever prison can hold this beast. It seems a huge failure on Batman's part to let Bane go, only to cause more destruction and loss of life. Especially when Batman fears failure. This ending is stupidly duped.

And then there's the epilogue which is probably meant to be a twist (which is why I call this comic "The Dark Knight Shyamalan."

Okay. Raise your hands whoever called it that Jai was the White Rabbit? Everyone!? Well, la de fucking da!

Batman: The Dark Knight #7 Rating: -1 Ranking. That negative one reflects my feelings on the overall storyline. A concept that maybe (MAYBE) could have been interesting but was just put together terribly. Snyder's Batman deals with Batman's fears so much better than this one. SO MUCH BETTER!

Batman: The Dark Knight #6

Notice the "With Respect to Kelly Jones" on Bane's wrist? Yeah, yeah. Forget that and just keep playing the What Did Finch Plagiarize This Month?! game.

Last issue ended with Superman beating the jizzly snot out of Batman. Now where I come from (Earth), that means Batman is dead. Or at least has some serious broken bones. Maybe some internal bleeding. But this is Earth One Panel Doesn't Follow Another Panel. The ruler of this Earth is David Finch. And, I guess, if I'm a comic book fan, I'm supposed to overlook shit writing for the privilege of being allowed to read DC's super hero comics.

Of course, Superman is a goody two shoes ultimate boy scout. So he would have punched Batman in all the right places to not leave any bruises (just ask Lois) and he would have thrown him gently against the ground. And I should just read the comic instead of making up reasons to hate David Finch before even getting to the comic book. But oh boy I can't wait for some honest to goodness real reasons to hate his stupid face.

The credits appear on page two. And now Paul Jenkins name has gone from co-plotter to story with David Finch merely credited with Art. Although Dialogue Assists are being handed out to New Firestorm Writer, the racist scumbag Joe Harris (might not actually be a racist or a condom). So I guess I can only make fun of David Finch for the art now!

The first thing Paul Jenkins does is try to fix the stupid thing where Flash is trying to outrun the toxin in his body by somehow forcing himself to not metabolize shit by expending a ton of energy running. So the first thing Batman does when he regains consciousness is realize his mistake. Batman has counteracted the drug by this comic book reasoning: the drug is activated by adrenalin. But once the adrenalin in the body stops, the person hemorrhages the way Two Face (ONE FACE!) did. So when Flash stops running, he'll collapse in a bloody mess same as Two (ONE!) Face. But Batman counteracted the drug how? By having TOO much adrenaline! Yes! Superman pushed Batman past the adrenaline limit of the drug and deactivated the process! So now Batman is sending Superman to go beat up The Flash too!

Superman is drawn like a girl.

Batman really does send Superman to beat up The Flash. I thought maybe they would think up a better plan. If it were Green Lantern they were trying to save, I could see him telling Superman to not hold back anything. But what did The Flash ever do to Batman?

And why has The Flash been poisoned by the Venom toxin anyway? Batman just supposed that Poison Ivy was behind it because of the rarity of the plant needed and then he just assumed that she had put the toxin on the thorns of the plants. But Poison Ivy has been off with The Birds of Prey in a really horrible story that makes no kind of sense whatsoever, so I think Batman may have been wrong anyway and The Flash has been ping ponging around the East Coast for months for no good reason.

Back to the comic, The White Rabbit shows up and challenges Batman to follow her. She thinks he's scared. Oh yeah! There's one thing Batman isn't and that's scared! I mean, there are other things he isn't as well. But he's definitely not that. I wonder if the Scarecrow will ever show up again in this story?

Now I get it! This is a story about nonsense! And they got it exactly right!

This is less Batman than Jenkins trying to figure out an angle for The White Rabbit besides the obvious angle of having a half-naked bunny woman running around in every other panel. But Wonderland isn't full of nonsense characters. It's full of characters that seem nonsensical to an outsider invading each of their stories and lives. I would categorize the characters in Alice's Adventures in Wonderland as whimsically philosophical.

Oops! I was wrong! I forgot Jenkins is going to make sense of this thing!

And it already makes sense with this panel and the knowledge that Bane will be appearing any second now. The Scarecrow develops some toxin (Venom!) that makes people crazy strong and muscular. The toxin is tested out on inmates at Arkham by the White Rabbit. Tested and used to cause a diversion. While Gotham explodes in insanity, every single law enforcement officer and hero is busy trying to stop the wackos. But a trail is set up to get Batman to this island. I don't know why the Scarecrow gave the toxin to Batman. Maybe he just wanted to try one last time to defeat Batman himself before he gives him over to Bane. And then the culmination of the plan: Bane kills Batman! Yay! Rube Goldberg would be proud!

Ouch! Hiss! Mrowr!

Oh, and Batman admits to being afraid again. Can't he even remember that he's not afraid of anything? Except living. And the people he loves being harmed. And what his enemies can do.

He caught her! He caught her!

Meanwhile Superman catches up with The Flash and casually flies alongside him as The Flash sprints around the planet. Superman is a bad-ass! Superman casually uses the word 'venom' while describing the toxin and this, for some reason, strikes The Flash and he has a Dr. House moment of insight. He claims Batman has it all wrong and he and Superman head back to Batman. They should be back to him in a few seconds, right?

Back on the island, Batman finally meets Bane!

This should be a poster! Batman Knocked Out Under a Full Moon.

I guess Batman meets Bane again. I sometimes forget that this New DCU is really just the old DCU with some stories ejected and some new things added. But most of the old stories still somehow took place. At least whenever a writer needs one to have taken place. Which accounts for the reason The Flash reacted to the word Venom. He realized Bane was back before the stupid Dark Knight did.

Who would be? Look at the mutated idiot pinhead. Fuck, I hate Bane.

Up until Bane appeared, I was actually enjoying this of The Dark Knight. But Bane just keeps running his mouth and finally ends by letting Batman know the new mix of Venom makes him smarter. Great! So now he's got the intelligence of a below average person.

Hey Bane! Guess what! Batman's absolutely right. You may have broken your back but he's never been afraid of you because all you are is a super strong imbecile. Now you're a super strong D student. The only reason you beat Batman in Knightfall was because he was dehydrated, sleep deprived, and fatigued from beating every other Arkham villain in town in one long marathon round-up. This is nearly the exact same story just not as drawn out (remember the Plagiarizing Game?) . That's why everyone was let loose. To make Batman tired and weak again so that Bane would have a chance of defeating him. But Bane, you're an idiot and you've never been anything but a minor Batman villain with extra muscles.

Batman: The Dark Knight #6: No change. I almost gave it +1 because it was getting better. But then when Bane appeared and the first thing he says to Batman is, "Your fear is mine alone." Shut up already. Enough with the fear theme. Seven issues of "Is Batman afraid of anything?!" and it's not even explored very well. It could have been done better if the Narration Boxes were dropped and the art and dialogue were allowed to tell the story. Batman's fear in confronted by the Court of Owls and Talon and the possibility that Gotham betrayed him is communicated a whole lot better in Snyder's Batman book. This comic wasn't even needed. Just too many Batman titles in The New 52. How many books does DC have to throw in the reader's face screaming, "Look at what we created! The coolest character evar!"