Convergence: World's Finest #2

"To save the world, Scribbly Jibbet, you must man this "Victory" hole for 24 hours! God speed, brave hero!"

I wish more people reading my blog would ask me questions the way they ask other celebrities questions (shut up! My mother says I'll always be a celebrity to her!). Why isn't my Inbox full of questions like, "I think this thing very strongly (which is the completely right way to think which is why I thunked it up) and was wondering if I'm right to believe this thing because nobody knows right and wrong better than a celebrity!" Or "I want to do a thing very badly and need a celebrity to tell me it's okay to do this thing so here are all the reasons why you should probably agree with me and I loved that thing you did that time before you became washed up!" Or "You made a joke about a thing that was very funny and now I'm sending you this joke that is basically your joke again but I'm repeating it back to you which is so funny because I totally get the joke and I'm probably making it funnier unlike the other five thousand people who probably sent this same exact message to your Inbox because average people are so totally hilarious and not famous like you but they could be if only people noticed them." Or "I love you so much that I want to sex you in the baddest way possible all the time! And for free even!" Or "I would like to give you a lot of money so give me your bank account number and I will deposit loads of money into it and I promise this is not a scam at all."

Boy! I can't wait to be a big celebrity! I wish more people acted the way Raegan and Lexie and Sarah acted when I followed them on Twitter! Why can't more people be as enthusiastic as junior high school girls?! The world would be so much more fun! I wish I had more than three fans! Poo!

I'm going to contact my agent and tell him to get me published already! I'm tired of him lollygagging on penises instead of sending my fantastic Great American Novels to publishers! I'll never hire an agent from an ad in a comic book ever again!

Speaking of segues, here is a comic book I am reading: Convergence: World's Finest starring Scribbly Jibbet, Sir Justin (the nick of time! Har!), and Victory the Winged Horse! They all went on an adventure together. I think Scribbly was allowed to accompany the heroic knight because he's kind of like a bard except more lame seeing that he's an editorial cartoonist. Even the people who wipe down porn actors between takes have a more respectable job. That actually sounds like a good job! You get to grope women and get paid to do it! You also have to grope men half the time as well (or more than half depending on the film!) but it would totally be worth it. I wonder how you get into the business of jizz mopping?

The action begins with a Weaponer of Qward attacking The Shining Knight and Scribbly Jibbet. Mostly he's attacking The Shining Knight while Scribbly Jibbet pees his pants.

Journalists are such selfish narcissists! "I'm going to became famous by publishing a story about observing the same thing everybody else can observe! Only I can put things into a profound perspective that nobody else can! I will be a celebrity! People will send me messages! I will have sex for the first time!"

Sir Justin ditches Scribbly because Sir Justin is trying to save the world while Scribbly is just trying to write an article to win a Pulitzer. Among journalists, the Pulitzer is referred to as "The Panty Dropper." Maybe only among male journalists. And lesbian journalists. And not gay male journalists. How many more exceptions do I have to mention before I can be assured that nobody will accuse me of erasing somebody?!

Meanwhile, Vigilante drives into a Qwardian Dance Off.

And I'm fairly certain Crimson Avenger engages in a hate crime.

I wonder if Crimson Avenger finds it annoying that Vigilante never gets off his stupid motorcycle. Is he jealous that the other two soldiers still standing aren't actually standing? How come he doesn't get a vehicle? Or pants?

I guess Sir Justin doesn't have pants either. But he gets to wear a skirt so only pervs on the subway get to look at his underwear.

Telos transports The Shining Knight and the Weaponer of Qward to an old fashioned medieval arena. I guess Telos wants to give Sir Justin the advantage! He's playing favorites! I guess I would be too. If Qward wins, that means the most boring place in this whole competition will get to win! After 30th Century Metropolis, I mean!

He's not deserting you! He's just going to write down his brilliant idea for a new editorial cartoon! And by brilliant I mean the exact opposite of brilliant with a load of boring thrown in! Scribbly is the worst!

I don't know if Sir Justin is winning his fight because the action keeps following Vigilante, Crimson Avenger, and the Qwardian Dance Parties.

Vigilante and Crimson Avenger just dropped some ecstasy and are ready to groove.

Scribbly Jibbet has left Metropolis to hunt down Sir Justin. As he climbs a cliff to get to the battlefield, he thinks about the best times of his life: drawing cartoons; kissing one girl; creepily watching children in the park; talking with babies. Wow. I thought my life was boring! At least I got to excitedly use semi-colons incorrectly! Oh! And have sex with loads and loads of hot women who all practically begged for more!

Scribbly Jibbet arrives just in time to see Victory save Sir Justin's life! By raping the Weaponer of Qward!

Neigh means neigh!

The Weaponer stabs Victory and I can't say Victory didn't deserve it because that whole ass-rape thing was totally uncool. There's fighting fair and there's fighting dirty and then there's raping the person you're fighting. One of those things is totally wrong! The last one. Also, the second one might not be too cool either, depending on the situation. Like if you're a greaser and you're getting your ass kicked, it's probably okay to pull a switchblade and stab the guy. But if you're a boxer and you're losing, you probably can't just kick your opponent in the crotch.

Before Scribbly can sacrifice himself to save the day, the Qwardians Dance Party breaks up and the Qwardians begin looting the city. First they raid the Farmer's Market and eat up all the vegetables. Then they go have aperitifs down at Le French Place. But before they can really dig into a fancy meal, a cop shows up and begins punching them in the face. He doesn't even read them their rights! Metropolis cops are as dirty as Gotham cops! And all the other cops in fictional and non-fictional cities in the United States!

Here's a way to tell if your friend on Facebook is racist! Do they post a message about supporting police whenever police get caught on camera for acting like violent monsters? Hmm, I thought I was going to be saying something insightful there but it just came out as painfully obvious!

They're really flying high on that X! And yet Crimson Avenger still wants more!

Up on Battle Mountain, Scribbly saves Sir Justin's life without having to sacrifice his own. I guess he's going to live to draw bad cartoons after all! With the help, Sir Justin beats the Weaponer of Qward. But when Sir Justin shows mercy, Telos arrives to end the competition without a winner. Telos sends them back to their cities to await whatever oblivion shall befall them. Metropolis had better hope that the earthquake hits before they become nonexistent! I don't want a DC Universe without Scribbly Jibbet!

On second though, let him go!

Convergence: World's Finest #2 Rating: Five Crying Eagles out of Ten. I wish this issue had concentrated more on the Qwardian Dance Parties and Vigilante making out with Crimson Avenger in the Chill Room.

Divergence: We Are Robin!
"Spinning out of the pages of BATMAN...a new Robin? No, HUNDREDS of new Robins!"

Do we really need that many Robins? Aren't we good with the half dozen we already have? Although with this many Robins, DC Comics can enjoy their favorite pastime every month and never run out of Robins! Although they might run out of available plots down at Gotham Cemetery.

The story is about a bunch of DCYouths who chat on their phones and fight crime and rebel against authority and give it to the man and show adults how life as a teenager is so hard, you can't even!

I'll probably enjoy it!

Convergence: World's Finest #1

Who the fuck is this guy?

The issue begins with this little vandal drawing Superman's picture in some wet cement and signing his name: Scribbly. He's Narration Boxing like a modern character so he must be a genius comic book character way ahead of his time. Although he seems to be about five years old while having his first memory. I don't remember my first memory because I'm an idiot. I think it was when I had super hot sex for the first time at like two years old. That might not be sexy from your point of view but it is from mine! Also it was totally consensual so don't go assuming I was abused or anything that might make me look less like I'm not lying about having had sex and at a totally early age because I'm such a lady's man.

This was 1940 when strange adults were allowed to smack little kids committing acts of vandalism so I imagine Scribbly's second memory was getting the tar beat out of him by the two cement layers standing nearby watching him fuck up their work.

Forty years later and it's 1980! Scribbly is now an editorial cartoonist (specializing in super hero jokes) and still a virgin! It's okay to call him a virgin because it's a fact and not an insult. Some facts just seem like insults because they're so embarrassing. But that's you projecting Scribbly's embarrassment onto him. He wasn't embarrassed about not ever having sex with women like he always wanted to because he would just lie and tell everybody that he totally had sex and started having sex at two years old like a manly toddler man.

Scribbly was not just an editorial cartoonist but also a reporter for the Metropolis Piece Of Shit Gazette. He was also the janitor and the night watchman. He loved his job and loved superheroes. But most of all he loved...he loved Metropolis!

Five years later, Crisis on Infinite Earths began threatening Earth-2 with destruction. But Scribbly kept right on scribbling!

Scribbly was also kind of stupid in a lot of little ways. He might even be able to take over Ann Nocenti's Knowledge Fun Farm!

Vigilante runs the "river horse" into a brick wall and it is knocked unconscious. That's when Scribbly is kidnapped by Pterodactyls (which means, I think, Screechy Winged Barbecue). Green Arrow and Speedy leap to the rescue. Green Arrow fires a bunch of explosive arrows to rattle the Pterodactyl so it loses its grip on Scribbly and Speedy shoots a net arrow to catch him. Except Speedy really fucking screws up. He screws up so badly that the net is ineffective and Green Arrow and Speedy himself fall off the building they're firing arrows from. What a jerk! Worst sidekick ever!

It also could have been the earthquake that screwed up the rescue attempt. But who's to say that Speedy didn't cause the earthquake, hmm?

Sir Justin and his trusty Pegasus (which means, probably, "stupid jerk that doesn't know horses can't fly") swoop in and save the Scribbly's day! But he can't save Green Arrow or Speedy's day so they just fall on the street below and die. It's totally hilarious.

And then the dome fell. Victory the Pegasus lost her wings. Excalibur lost its razor sharp edge (unless Sir Justin's sword's name was Stormbringer). And Sir Justin himself began to age. Because he's like 2000 years old or something.

After the dome fell, life went on. Just like in all the other Convergence issues! Scribbly kept doing editorial cartoons and not all of them featured a comment on the dome.

Some dealt with dying heroes! This one is particularly humorous.

Scribbly noticed some people gave up their jobs as meaningless now that the dome had fallen. But not him! He knew his job as an editorial cartoonist was important! He says, "My old art teacher taught me that cartoons created laughter and laughter was the best medicine...". I bet! That cartoon where Stripesy lay dying was a laugh riot! And the one he drew of a tombstone with the word hope on it? Hilarious!

But then one day while Scribbly is off flirting with Victory, the dome fell! Victory's wings returned! Excalibur's blade grew sharp! Sir Justin became young and sexually virile again! And Scribbly was already thinking of a hilarious cartoon about the dome disappearing and a lone tear dropping from Superman's eye as he flies past an eagle tap dancing on Hitler's grave!

And then...SURPRISE!...Telos! Boy, I thought it was going to be different this time.

Sir Justin and Scribbly are the world's finest?

I bet Scribbly comes up with a hilarious cartoon which causes Telos to laugh for the first time! He then changes his mind and saves all the universes. No, not really! Scribbly will probably just die.

Convergence: World's Finest #1 Rating: We don't get characters like Scribbly too often nowadays, do we? Or characters like Ma Hunkel's Red Tornado! Is that a good thing? Probably. I think I'm going to take over Scribbly's job as an editorial cartoonist! And heres's my first cartoon:

Suicide Squad #29

OMAC's O-Face.

Last issue ended with Deadshot shooting himself for the third time since this series began. He may be the greatest member of the Suicide Squad to ever live! Or die! Or die three times while still living! Most of the members of the Suicide Squad die from violence at other people's hands. Nobody ever actually takes the name literally and commits suicide even once, let alone three times! But Deadshot shot himself to take out Harley; he shot himself to take out Regulus; and now he's shot himself one last time with a magic bullet to take out OMAC. At least this time, he was able to shoot Amanda Waller as well.

The difference is, of course, that magic bullet I mentioned. Apparently this bullet is an Ich Luge bullet! It breaks the surface of the skin, enough to cause a little blood, but no real damage. It also gives the victim enhanced strength, super agility, and big time smarts. According to Waller, this magic bullet will give Deadshot and Harley Quinn the edge over OMAC.

But Amanda is constantly lying, right? So I think she just wants Deadshot and Harley to believe they have a chance against OMAC so that, while they're getting ripped apart, Amanda and Kevin Kho can figure out how to shut OMAC down. That's the Amanda Waller Way!

OMAC currently stands for One-Machine Attack Construct instead of One Man Army Corps like it used to or Old Man Ass Crack like it never did.

If Deadshot and Harley don't succeed, and if Kevin Kho can't force the Thinker out of OMAC, Amanda has one last option: send OMAC through a super secret portal at the bottom of Belle Reve. Excuse me. A PORTHOLE at the bottom of Belle Reve. That's an odd bit of terminology to use. Portal seems more apt. Unless Belle Reve isn't a prison at all! It's a Space Station!

Amanda Waller calls this "porthole" the Toilet because it's used to remove waste from this universe to some other unknown universe. My guess is it leads to the Marvel Universe. I think it backed up at the beginning of The New 52, spilling Scott Lobdell, Howard Mackie, and Ann Nocenti all over the floor. Disgusting!

I love transparency even if my readers hate my love for it because it always causes me to talk about things other than the comic book I was reading. But I just thought I'd point out that I just took a six hour break from reading Suicide Squad so I could earn a living. I came home with a bag of Darkside Skittles: The Other Side of the Rainbow. Apparently they're Evil Skittles. As I've been eating them, I occasionally stop to whisper darkly, "Rape the rainbow." Your mind would probably go there too if you knew what the flavours were (okay, maybe not your mind. Sheesh. I guess you're better than I am)! Dark Berry. Forbidden Fruit. Midnight Lime. Blood Orange. It sounds like the beginning of an episode of CSI (even to somebody like me that's never seen an episode!). The only flavour I don't get is Pomegranate. I think the Pomegranate represents sex in The Book of A Thousand Nights and a Night. Anyway, now I'm out of Evil Candy and need to get back to reading my comic book.

Why is Power Girl so tiny? And Steel so huge?!

Notice the placement of Power Girl's Boob Window here? Apparently Jim Fern and R.B. Silva were using different reference pictures for Power Girl's costume. Fern has drawn a costume that will actually keep Power Girl's breasts inside the costume.

I hate to say this because I feel bad when I criticize an artist (why don't I feel bad criticizing a writer?) but Jim Fern's art is lousy. Wayne Faucher on inks isn't doing anything to liven it up either! And Brett Smith's coloring? Well, let me just say he's no University of Northern Colorado at Greeley Alum Gabe Eltaeb!

The writing on Suicide Squad has been lousy as well! Come on, Matt Kindt. Stop fucking sleep walking through your writing assignments! You really aren't fucking trying on this Forever Evil shit, are you?

Nice, Deadshot! You just had to bring up Gwar, didn't you? Now you've got all the little Bohabs crying again!

This might be some of the worst art I've seen in The New 52 for quite some time. It's worse than the art you'd get in a free mini-comic strapped to the back of a knock-off action figure or dug out of the bottom of a box of Trix. Maybe it's some kind of Modern Art that I don't understand!

Really, Harley? OMAC and Cheese?! I suppose the shitty one-liners fit with the shitty art.

You may have noticed I'm not really discussing the plot much. That's because it amounts to everybody getting shot with magic bullets as they try to lead OMAC into the toilet.

Power Girl and Steel arrive to help out because this fight needs somebody in it that can actually survive a punch from OMAC. Steel bang bangs his silver hammer down upon OMAC's head causing Kevin Kho to renew his foothold in OMAC's mind. I don't know what's happening with The Thinker. I guess he's the guy that's been using OMAC's mouth to utter dialogue worse than Harley's.

Everybody drops down to Waller's level and stand around The Toilet looking stupid and disengaged. Inside OMAC's mind, Kevin and The Thinker are apparently fighting but that would be too complicated to draw if you only had the artistic skills of Jim Fern to rely on.

Goddammit! I feel horrible saying that! Why do I have such a soft spot when it comes to lambasting artists?! I think I'm still sore from the time Marcus To called me out to the woodshed, pulled down my pants, and softly inserted his tongue. No wait. I'm conflating two different memories! That was my uncle. Marcus just pointed out that I was a raging asshole when I criticized one of his covers. He was right to point out I was an asshole. But I was right to point out his cover design sucked spectacularly sweaty balls.

While everybody is kind of waiting to see if Kevin Kho saves OMAC from having to be flushed down the toilet, King Shark shows up with a little prepared speech he tells suitors when they want more than he'd like to give them. "Gee, Blank, my name is King Shark. You killed my father. Prepare to die." King Shark tackles OMAC into the Toilet and flushes himself away. OMAC grabs a ledge though. I guess King Shark will be appearing in Moon Knight next month.

Kevin defeats The Thinker and takes care of OMAC but then Captain Boomerang takes care of Kevin by kicking OMAC into The Toilet. Now Amanda has to fish two fucking lunkheads out of it somehow. Also Amanda has another twist because she's always lying about everything and manipulating everybody! The Magic Bullets were really Nano-Bombs! Now everybody is a forced member of The Squad again! Stupid jerks! They deserve this job! Get fooled by Amanda Waller once, shame on you! Get fooled by Amanda Waller dozens of times, your name is probably Floyd Lawson.

Captain Boomerang is eating invisible ribs.

Suicide Squad #29 Rating: -2 Ranking. Boring story. Horrendous art. Pretty good title ("Flushed") for this piece of shit.

Batwoman #25

Dammit. I just realized I'm not going to get the end of the Batman/Batwoman battle. Stupid Zero Year.

When I was a young, lovesick pup, I would walk to Junior High with this refrain stuck in my head:

"Once upon a time I was falling in love, now I'm only falling apart.
Nothing I can do. Total eclipse of the heart.
Once upon a time there was light in my life, now there's only love in the dark.
Nothing I can say. Total eclipse of the heart."

It has nothing to do with love now, just life, but I feel this way again. I know, deep down, that I just don't care enough about my business to keep it from eventually falling apart. I'm not a business person. But I somehow have to find it within myself to make it work so that I can keep enjoying the amount of free time I currently have. I just don't know how I'm going to do that without any passion for business. It's all bullshit to me. Hell, I can barely even talk to people on the phone without feeling sick. Dealing with the world, interacting with people ... it's just way too fucking difficult. Society doesn't work for people who can barely come out of their head. If only I could do all of my interacting from behind this computer screen, I'd be fine. I could work with that. But dealing in reality? Fuck me, it's exhausting. It's draining. Eventually I'm going to lose everything. I hope my sanity goes first.

The worst part is people who can do it, people who enjoy socializing and meeting people and making small talk and interacting, they just don't understand how difficult it is for the rest of us. They don't understand how miraculous a thing like the internet and email and MUSHes have been to our kind. They encourage us to "get out there and live life!" They think we're wasting away in a dark room, hiding from the world. Well, sure, yes. We are hiding from the world because the world is an uncomfortable place where everybody demands you make eye contact and chitchat happily or else they get their fucking feelings hurt. They don't realize how hard it is. Because they want to get out amongst people and they feed off social interactions, they cannot comprehend how much effort it takes for us to just step outside the door. My work week is three days. Some weeks, work is the only time I even leave the house. Four days where I step outside simply to check the mail. Fuck you, world. Stop expecting things from me.

I only added the previous statement because I once promised that y'all would get to see me fall apart in middle age on this blog. So Happy Trainwrecking! It's beginning to look a lot like Crapmas!

Maybe a few dick jokes will cheer me up. Although I'm not sure how many opportunities I'll get for dick jokes in a Batwoman comic book.

Oh! But here's a chance for a poop joke!

At Jeffcon Four, the theme of the costume party was your favorite role-playing character. While it wasn't exactly my favorite and, I believe, may have only lasted for one night of gaming, I decided to dress up as my Cyberpunk character that was in a band. I didn't even remember the name of the character but I figured it would be fun. The single night that I remember playing that campaign was mostly spent sitting around the table writing songs for the band. My character was lead singer of a band called The Misogynists. Their first album was entitled "Duty. Honor. Count..." where the ellipsis were (was?) replaced by a hand in the middle of writing out the phrase "Duty. Honor. Country." on the cover of the album. At the party, I sang their hit song, "Five Fingered Angel." The only other song I remember the band writing that night was "Bitch Bitch Bitch." Here's a bit of Five Fingered Angel:

"Late at night when I'm laying in bed,
I've seen all the shows and my books are all read,
I sit back and think of...my one true love.

She's the only one that can comfort me.
Her gentle massage always sets me free.
She's a part of me...my one true love.

She's my five fingered angel!
She's the only one I trust.
She's my five fingered angel.
And I use her when I must.
She's a five fingered angel and she's mine."

You probably don't want to hear the lyrics to "Bitch Bitch Bitch."

What was I writing about? Oh! Batwoman! Her Uncle Dick has been killed by The Red Hood over in one of them Batmen comic books and now she's come back from West Point for the funeral. Bruce Wayne couldn't make it because he's rich enough to have a butler to send out into the world to do things for him while he luxuriates in his dark, humid batcave. Lucky bastard.

Kate Kane teaches her father the meaning of the term "pathetic fallacy" which has nothing to do with impotence like I thought. Although that might be a good title for the first album of my new band, The Misandrists: "Pathetic Fallac..." with the hand caught writing mid-phrase again! I think they could do a cover of "Bitch Bitch Bitch" but change it to "Prick Prick Prick." The other lyrics wouldn't have to be changed at all! Which I think makes some kind of statement or another about either sexism or The Misogynists not being very good at misogyny.

Meanwhile, Metropolis is shipping off some of their police officers to help out in Gotham during the blackout and super storm. One of those officers is Maggie Sawyer. Hmm. Six years ago? She might be pregnant right now!

At the wake (is that what you call the thing you go to after the viewing and the graveside thingy-thing?) in Wayne Manor, Kate Kane winds up out back in the family graveyard. She runs into Bruce there because where else would he be? In a hole in the ground in his yard? Ha ha! Preposterous! While speaking with Bruce, Kate goes from hauntingly beautiful to scruffily adorable in the space of one page!

I guess we're playing Tag-Team with the artists this issue.

Cousin Bette is also at the wake! As well as Alfred's Awesome German Chocolate Cake™.

Eventually something serious is going to happen. Not that Uncle Phil's death isn't serious! But that took place over in Batman's comic book, so it doesn't count here. I hope the plot revolves around somebody eating all of the cake! That's a Bat-mystery if ever I ever heard of one! For a second, I was going to blame Guy Gardner on stealing the cake that has yet to be stolen and then I realized that the guy I thought was Guy was actually Jacob!

After Bruce kicks everybody out of his house because he's got important Bat-things to do, Kate Kane dresses up in black clothing, covers her face in white and gray paint, and hits the streets to battle the hurricane. Or to teach looters an important lesson about not having the proper supplies at hand before a hurricane hits. Although I think a Plasma TV and a twelve back of Budweiser probably aren't essentials. Which means she'll have to be judge and jury when she picks the people she wants to beat up in the name of justice! Not real justice but her version of justice.

Oh! She should go after these guys because they've already worked it out in their own conversation that they're crossing a line!

One of these men works for a guy that's currently out of town. He's decided to rob his boss but he doesn't realize the guy's kid is at home! And the kid has some masking tape and he knows how to use it! To, you know, spell help on the window so that Kate Kane can see it and come to his rescue. Which she does! But then the burglars find her and the boy trying to leave! But they don't just let them leave for some reason! Instead, the burglar decides to stab Kate with his gun.

I guess he doesn't know that guns are projectile weapons and you're not supposed to get within disarming distance of your victim while holding one. Come to think of it, I don't think any comic book criminals know that.

Kate disarms the first guy and takes his gun and the jewels but the other burglars show up. She dives out the window and into the apartment complex's swimming pool where she takes a bullet to her shoulder while underwater. If she were Batman, she'd probably stay under water for ten minutes until the burglars thought she was dead and then she'd do a back-flip out of the pool to break all of their legs and ribs and jaws. But she's not Batman, so she just plays dead while floating on the water until they pull her out of the pool. Then she defeats them just in time for Maggie Sawyer to show up and fall in love.

Actually, Maggie and Kate don't really notice each other until they're all back at the precinct. Her father picks her up and chastises her for what she did until she falls asleep. And then once she's asleep, he's able to tell her how proud he is of her. Fucking fathers.

Batwoman #25 Rating: No change. No change because Kate was supposed to be kicking Batman's ass this month instead of eating finger sandwiches in a graveyard talking about how murderers need a special brand of justice! Although she did steal one of Bruce's motorcycles. That was nice.