Catwoman #32

Who is the Mysterious Fireface?! To find out, you'll need to slog through twenty pages of complete nonsense!

Last issue, I decided it was taking too long to comment on Ann Nocenti's story like an actual critic critiquing actual writing. And since Ann Nocenti's writing isn't technically writing, I decided to just start listing all of the weird and incomprehensible things going on in The Race of Thieves! I may also interrupt the list for a nice bit of Scenes From Ann Nocenti. Ready? On your go! MARK!

Another List of Ann Nocenti’s Bullshit
By Grunion Guy

1. Funny enough, I accidentally guessed how Nocenti would begin the issue. Sure, it's a "race" so why wouldn't it start with an on your mark type of gunshot deal. But I'd forgotten this part of the competition was going to be a literal race.

2. To prove who is the best thief in the world, the thieves compete in a Wacky Race. None of them question this.

3. Vegas is running odds on the winner of the Race of Thieves. I suppose this isn't that odd since Vegas bookmakers will run bets on anything. But this is some kind of clandestine, invitation-only, outside of the law competition! Did Roulette hold a press conference at the Rio before sending out the puzzle box invites?

4. I guess Roulette is participating in this race? She's on a bullet train to the end of the line while the other racers try to drive through sandy terrain to beat her.

5. Mirror Master owns a rocket ship?

6. Rat-tail (woo woo!) has suddenly entered the competition and even though the race is straight along some tracks, he rides his motorcycle across the front of a tank and some kid named Big Wheel's truck. He's worse at driving than he is at doing his hair.

7. Rat-tail winds up in Catwoman's car even though the positions of all the vehicles make no sense for him to be able to hop to her car when his motorcycle is run over.

8. Catwoman decides to tell Rat-tail about her new job as an undercover coroner with the Gotham Police.

9. Coroner Bill don't believe in none of your highfalutin, modern day CSI nonsense!

10. Coroner Bill actually says "Jeesums." Just in case you weren't sure he was an ornery son of a gun what ain't got no time for all these computer doohickeys!

11. Catwoman and Mirror Master have no trouble conversing while racing. Perhaps Sam Scudder has gotten good at hearing things he shouldn't be able to hear so he can respond to The Flash's super speed one-liners.

12. Oh! That's what I've been doing wrong all these years of gambling! The smart money is to bet on the long shot! Shucks!

13. I think "stay on your wheels" is better advice than "don't use fuel." It's a fifty mile course! Who's going to be dumb enough to run out of fuel?!

14. I suppose he did have to drive all the way to this desert in South Asia on one tank.

15. Some smart-assed Asian guy points out the idiot that didn't refuel should have been using a camel because "their tanks never run dry." Piss off, old man!

16. An Interpol helicopter begins firing missiles at the contestants and Catwoman correctly guesses that the hearse in the race is asking for it just before it blows up. Why was the hearse asking for it? Where does she get such lovely intuition?

17. While missiles are flying all around them, Rat-tail (woo woo!) asks Catwoman to continue her story about Coroner Bill and his rival.

18. Catwoman notices details the other coroners missed. Like how the corpse of Rita's ancestor is missing a finger. She has such attention to detail!

19. If the family fortune still exists? I suppose he's talking about money other than all the priceless artifacts they found buried beneath the family home and frozen in blocks of ice. Also, I think every line of Coroner Bill's is supposed to be followed by a laugh track.

20. The missing ring finger was taken by Coroner Bill so he could solve the case and prove that gruffness and ill-temper are better tools for solving murders than gadgets and gizmos!

Scenes From Ann Nocenti's Catwoman: Scene Three

Catwoman needed to do some investigating. She was in a race but it was not a race against time because she had plenty of time to do some investigating on the side. She wanted to investigate Hunt Stone's house. "Gee," she thought ballooned, "Hunt Stone's billions are what we are racing for. Not because he wants to give them away but because he must because his child has been kidnapped. I will break into his mansion and do my investigating to prove that he doesn't have a child. I mean, to find his missing child. But I might find his child is not missing because he does not have one! The mystery will thicken!"

Catwoman cut a tiny hole in a window of Hunt Stone's Mansion. It was very small but since it was big enough to get her head through, it was big enough to get the rest of her cat body through as well. The first thing she investigated were the chairs. There was only one in each room! "A-ha!" she extrapolated. "Where did Hunt Stone sit if there were only one chair for his child? I must investigate further!" Next she looked in his photo album that he kept on a table in the hallway. It did not have any photos in it! "This mystery is so thick!" she exclaimed.

Next, Catwoman investigated the bed. "Hmm," she thought. "That is quite a big bed. But do not get me wrong when I say it is big because it is only big enough for one man without any room left for a child. I think I am beginning to solve this mystery!" But first Catwoman remembered something her coroner friend said. He said, "Dust is made of skin flakes." That meant she would collect a bag of skin flakes to perform DNA on them! And the DNA would say, "These flakes have 0% chance of being from a child!" That would really help to solve her mystery! But she thought she still wanted a smoking gun because those always blow cases wide open. So she investigated the creepy baby death mask. "Who could have made this?" she thought! But she knew she could find out the answers because of fingerprints! Her investigations were a success! Now she would just have to go to the lab and process her fingerprints and her DNAs. Good job, Catwoman! That was me, the narrator, congratulating her on her job well done. Or done well enough.

End Scene.

21. There is no possible way that this is a person in a disguise.

22. Catwoman causes the Interpol helicopter to crash. But she does it in the safest way possible so that everybody in it can survive.

23. The Interpol helicopter was actually Vice and Swindle. They argue about how they were getting paid by Roulette to kill the other racers. Catwoman hears them from one hundred feet away while racing at a hundred miles per hour.

24. The finish of the race makes no sense. I'm not surprised because the beginning of the race made no sense. Nothing made any sense. I suppose you don't buy an Ann Nocenti book hoping for a coherent story.

25. Here's how the race finished. Roulette's train was about to cross the finish line so Catwoman grapples it and climbs on top to squat on her knees and scream, "Yes!" Then Mirror Master decides to stop before crossing the finish line to throw up a mirror to stop the train because the engineer would think another train just like his suddenly appeared on the track. That doesn't work and the train crashes into the mirror anyway. Catwoman dismounts (having done her job. I think?) and asks Mirror Master if he got the girl. He says "Yes" instead of "What girl?" I suppose they're talking about Roulette. Alvarez and Keyes were also in the race because they decided investigating a race in South Asia was important to justice in Gotham. And finally the bearded guy in the dune buggy won because he was the only one left and he paid off 100 to 1. And since betting on the long shot is the smart money, he's who Catwoman bet on!

26. Rat-tail (woo woo!), Catwoman, and Mirror Master board Roulette's train to steal the prize money because of course it would be on the train. But it's not. And neither are Roulette or the engineer! So I guess it wasn't Roulette that Catwoman was talking about to Mirror Master. So who the hell was she talking about?!

Catwoman #32 Rating: No change. It's now the worst comic book of The New 52 because Johns and Romita are turning Superman around and making it interesting! And enjoyable! But this book? Holy fuck, my brain hurts.

Catwoman #30

And now here they are! The most daredevil group of bungling burglars to ever twist their picks in the Race of Thieves competing for the title of the World's Wackiest Burglar. The thieves are approaching the starting line. First is the hostess of the race, Roulette. Oh, and here's the lovely Catwoman, the glamor gal of the Batman. And right on her tail is Volt. And there's the Central City Chuggabug with Glider and Mirror Master. Sneaking along last is the Blue Crew with those double detective do-gooders, Carlos Alvarez and his sidekick, Tammy Keyes. And even now, they're up to some legal trick. And...they're off...to a standing start. And why not? They've been handcuffed to a post by shifty Detective Alvarez who shifts into the wrong gear. And away they go on the way out Race of Thieves!

Don't you wish all employers could be as trusting, loyal, and faithful as DC Comics? Just imagine if your doctor didn't know what any of his surgical instruments were called and often mistook the liver for the pancreas while spouting old wives tales and folk medicine as the means to cure you of your ills? And no matter how many patients died at the hands of this incompetent buffoon, wouldn't it be sweet if the hospital continued to employ him, month after month, trusting that he'll eventually get it right? That's a world I'd like to live in! A world where everybody sucked at their job and nobody was ever fired! Somehow that world exists for Ann Nocenti alone! Except she's the doctor if you didn't follow my analogy very well because you're of limited, Disciple-type intelligence.

The most miraculous thing about Jesus Christ is that he didn't just give the fuck up in the face of incompetence! His only disciple smart enough to see what was happening and understand Jesus's message was Judas! Maybe if the others had understood, they would have helped Judas try to stop the maniac!

This issue begins with Selina Kyle burning the Catwoman suit because she never wants to be Catwoman again!

I think Ann Nocenti just finally realized that she has no idea how to write Catwo Man, so she's decided to start over!

Hey Selina Kyle! YOU ARE CATWOMAN! You're the idiot making the decisions that are hurting your life! You know who you should really get rid of? Ann Nocenti! She's the real problem!

And now, Scenes from Ann Nocenti's Catwoman!

Catwoman...no, I, the omniscient narrator, would have to stop thinking like that. Selina Kyle. That's how I meant to start. Selina Kyle stood in the dark alley amidst the urine puddles, and the bums passed out in the urine puddles, and the bums creating urine puddles after they've passed out, smelling the acrid stench of motorcycles popping wheelies. No motorcycles were currently popping wheelies and, let's face it, even if they were, they probably wouldn't be creating the smell of burning rubber that Selina Kyle was associating with popping wheelies on Catwoman's motorcycle. Maybe if she were doing doughnuts or exhibitioning her speed, she'd smell the smell she's smelling now that's being created by the burning of her Catwoman costume. Behind her, a man with a head injury and the kid from mask stood by their own fire, burning their hands off at the wrists. A mother and child rummaged through a nearby dumpster, the child throwing a tantrum because her mother wouldn't let her have the large cardboard box with the Amazon address label. "You know we can only afford the small first class post office mailing box, honey." Her mother was a model of restraint in her moth and rat and possibly homeless person eaten sweater.

The memory of her motorcycle caused Selina Kyle to, yet again, think of Catwoman as a separate entity from herself. The registration may have been in Selina Kyle's name but the bike had cute little cat ears over the headlight which meant it actually belonged to Catwoman. And if Selina Kyle was going to get her life back together, she was going to have to sell the bike for scrap metal. Sure, she could probably sell it on Gotham Craiglist but somebody might notice the cat ears and guess her secret identity. Safer to just demolish the bike completely.

"Hey gorgeous. You free?" Selina turned to see a plumber in a dirty car, made even dirtier from the blood of the bums he'd just run over as he trundled through the crowded alley, leer at her from underneath his Gotham Knights baseball cap.

"Me? Get lost," she said dispassionately. Selina was shocked. She was taken aback. She couldn't believe her cat ears. I mean, her human ears! Here she was in one of Gotham's dirtiest alleys dressed in only a low cut trench coat with six inch heels and some guy thought she was a streetwalker that would give it away for free? Can't he see this is a Coach Bag and a Burberry Coat with Manolo Blahnik pumps? "Creep," she thought, calculating how much she would have fucked him for as she ducked into the smelliest, dirtiest, foulest gym in all of Gotham. "Catwoman would train in a fancy place! And I'm Selina Kyle!"

End Scene One

Later Selina Kyle, trying to distance herself from the persona of Catwoman, adopts about twelve cats for her apartment. She also wonders what kind of writer would write a thief who lives in a penthouse apartment that's simply one big window. Oh, don't think of it that way, Selina! Think of it as wanting a 360 degree view of Gotham so you can catch sight of Batman while practicing playing the double sided diamond studded dildo.

No, Selina. Catwoman stole library books. Anyway, was that copy of Leaves of Grass based on the action packed adventure movie?

Selina Kyle is still working for the suicide hotline where she worked during Gothtopia. I wonder if Ann Nocenti realizes Gothtopia is over? Is this Selina's reaction to Batman telling her he doesn't want to stroke her fur any longer? She's just going to throw everything away and turn back toward her fake life that she dreamt up while under the Scarecrow's drugs? That sounds reasonable!

Excuse me, I got a fact wrong earlier. Selina is working for the Gotham Police Crime Hotline! It just seemed like a suicide prevention call center because she took the job during Gothtopia when the only "crime" was suicide. Anyway, Selina heads back to that job where all of her office mates apparently have nothing to fucking do but stand around and listen to Selina do her job incorrectly.

Why is she answering "friend speaking" on a crime hotline? I think she still thinks she's doing suicide prevention or abuse counseling!

I love how Selina's office mates high five and celebrate as Selina solves crimes over the telephone. Or they think she does! Instead the guy pulls the old twisteroo on Selina and kills himself using her words against her! Ha ha! In your face, Not Catwoman! Now you're hurting people no matter what persona you've chosen! Is this going to drive you back into Catwoman's arms?! One warning: Catwoman's arms currently smell like popping wheelies on your motorcycle.

Selina recognized the voice on the phone, so instead of telling the police in the other room to head to the address of her friend Gwen who might be dying of a gunshot, Selina races from the building and runs across a bunch of rooftops to get to Gwen. Luckily Gwen is a lousy shot and missed her face nine times, judging by the amount of shells on the ground. I guess Gwen has become so broke from Catwoman not fencing stolen products through her that she decided to end it all.

I guess the ten women she works with are too dowdy and supportive to think of as friends.

Gwen, being a true and disloyal rat of a fink of a friend, talks Selina into taking a look at the Race of Thieves invite she found in her purse, a gift from Trip Winter. Remember Trip Winter? He was the guy Catwoman fell in love with before she fell in love with Rat-Tails (woo woo!). He sent her on some job to play giant chess on Gotham rooftops or something. It doesn't matter since that story was interrupted by Death of the Family which caused it to make no sense. That's me being charitable because even if Death of the Family didn't interrupt the rooftop chess game, the story was still written by Ann Nocenti and, thus, would still make no sense.

The invite is from somebody named Roulette who claims to be the World's Greatest Thief. Selina cannot allow her to take that title since that title's keyhole fits perfectly with the World's Greatest Detective's key. Keyhole and Key are metaphors for vagina and penis.

Selina is properly outraged by this woman believing she's the one that should be fuckfighting The Batman, so she decides right then and there that Catwoman shall live again! She also discovers that Roulette is holding children hostage and that Gwen seems to want to live again. But those two things are entirely incidental. That bitch Roulette had better not be calling herself World's Greatest Thief!

Later Catwoman investigates The Foundling Hospital to see if the teeth in the invite were from the children at the hospital.

Of course he's her secret friend! She did give him a jewel studded dildo, after all!

See? The jewels are on the testicles. Probably.

If you want to read some of the shittiest shit of The New 52, just pick up this comic book and read the page where Selina visits Alice Tesla. Fascinating garbage!

Selina picks up some gear from Alice Tesla and a costume to attend Roulette's Party. The party takes place the same night that Selina learns of it which means Alice Tesla must have super speed. She also makes Catwoman's masquerade costume a Cat Mask with a Cat Charm Bracelet and a Cat Belt Buckle. Hopefully Selina doesn't mind being made by everybody at the party.

Selina shows how intuitive she is.

Roulette appears and gets the games started. Trip Winter is on her arm and a mechanical dog is by her side. She has a billionaire with fiery hair tied up and on a leash. It's his money backing the game and his child being held hostage. I bet the kid is inside the mechanical dog!

The game begins with a contest of Dexterity! Everybody rolls a D20! Or something. I actually have no idea what the Dexterity Challenge is because Roulette just says, "Let the games begin!" And then her dog attacks Volt and Mirror Master begins mirror-blasting shit. And Selina winds up in Mirror World spouting Ann Nocenti nonsense.

I guess the Contest of Dexterity was simply about not getting punched in the face by the other thieves? Roulette is definitely not the World's Greatest Gamemaker.

Catwoman #30 Rating: -2 Ranking. Here's my review via a conversation I had with Pickle Boy, my ex-assistant:

Me: "This comic book is so awful! How does she do it?"
Pickle Boy: "Dart board?"
Me: "Maybe if the dart board had different kinds of drugs tacked to it! Nocenti: 'Okay! Today I script under the influence of downers and LSD!'"

Rogues Rebellion #6

Remember people! This is the ROGUES Rebellion and not the ROUGES Rebellion. The Rouges would be Captain Cold Cream, Make-up Trickster, Heatwave Hair Treatment, Weathered Face Wrinkle Remover Wizard, and The Mirror Master.

What I have learned from this cover is that the sun is still eclipsed and that Grodd is a bigger bad-ass than Amazo, The Fearsome Five, Parasite, and all of Firestorm's enemies combined. I suppose that makes sense since he is a super fast gorilla. Nothing can beat a super fast gorilla.

This issue begins with The Pied Piper talking with an unconscious Glider. He's supposed to remain out of the fight protecting her but he's currently working through an iron clad argument for why he should leave her unguarded so he can go battle along side his old friends, The Rogues. He's also reminiscing about how much he liked hanging out with The Rogues but felt he never really fit in.

I don't want to really judge or anything but maybe you didn't fit in very well with super villains is because playing a flute at somebody isn't the most threatening act.

The three Rogues that are currently left in this series (Weather Wizard, The Trickster, and Mirror Master) are holding their own against about a baker's dozen of super villains. Mostly that's because Weather Wizard has the ability to blast multiple people with lightning while blowing another half dozen down the street with hurricane force winds. But he's still just one guy and even one guy of the super villains isn't just one guy! That's because he's Multiplex and he finally forces Weather Wizard into the defensive position that brought each of us into the world and the one which we're most likely going out in (especially if we're being kicked to death by multiple versions of the same guy): the fetal position.

But The Pied Piper flutes into the battle to save the day by fluting! And looking kind of cool for a guy armed with a lousy flute.

Can you think of a less intimidating weapon? Perhaps a box of chocolates? Or a kitten? Or a three month old infant?

Luckily for The Rogues, the Crime Syndicate didn't quite think think through their plan of sending lots of super villains to kill The Rogues. The Super Villains feel just as comfortable beating on each other as beating on The Rogues. It's not like they got a message telling them what to do anyway. If any of these villains missed the memo that The Rogues had a price on their heads, they might just think they were suddenly teleported into town to destroy the lumpy pink idiot with the lamprey face. And if they don't jump to that conclusion (which seems like a fairly jumpable conclusion), Pied Piper can always Flute Control The Parasite so that he attacks the other villains.

But at the end of things, the numbers just can't be denied. Too few Rogues; too many non-Rogues. It's a simple algebraic equation, really. They're simply overwhelmed and beaten to death. Or would have been beaten to death if not for The Pied Piper's Flute poking Glider awake.

She saves them with her tassels.

Since Captain Cold isn't here to come up with a plan, the job falls to his little sister, Glider. Mirror Master creates a huge mirror that Weather Wizard blows all the bad guys into while The Glider makes them all intangible so that the wind won't blow them in as well. Then The Trickster gets to break the mirror. Maybe all the really bad guys are now involved in the Arkham War.

Afterwards, The Rogues stick around to be thanked because they never learned from The Jeezly Crow Batman that you're supposed to disappear immediately after saving the city.

After this there's some sappy ending about family and looking down their noses at bad guys that kill. Nobody likes a holier-than-thou judgmental criminal!

Rogues Rebellion #6 Rating: +4 Ranking. This has easily been the best part of Forever Evil. These guys easily head a successful monthly title. As long as Buccellato wrote it! Or maybe Garth Ennis! Although that would be a whole different kind of clusterfuck for these poor guys. The Trickster already lost an arm. Who knows how many more body parts he'd lose if Ennis were writing it.

The Rogues #1

How is DC not pitching this as a sitcom?

The Rogues even have a location for the sitcom all set up: the Keystone Saloon! Sure, the name can use a little work. And it might seem a bit derivative of Cheers. But when did Cheers have super villains? That's right. Never. Carla may have been a super asshole and Cliff was a bumbling mega-genius, but they didn't have costumes, so it doesn't count. The other main set could be the jail and the Rogues could just suddenly appear and disappear from one location to the next in a red blur as The Flash captures them or lets them go, depending on how well his Crime Scene Detectivating went. Oh yeah! Barry is CSI! So I suppose if the networks aren't looking for a superhero sitcom, they can always have another CSI spinoff. CSI: Keystone.

Since Mirror Master was not stuck in Mirrorworld during Forever Evil, I expect him to learn how to free himself during this issue or else Geoff Johns is a walking embarrassment. With the hope that that turns out to be true, let's get on with this shit.

That scan is all wonky and I'm not even drunk! I blame the printers!

Mirror Master is currently out of the mirror but this is still the "NOW" of The New 52 Timeline, so we should still expect some flashbacks. My guess is that Mirror Master broke free with the power of love!

That Narration Box by Captain Cold is really awkward. "We look like costumed freaks so that we'll be underestimated"? I would expect people to overestimate a jerk in a flashy costume. And I have experience with being overestimated as Captain Cold!

Wonder Woman just gave up because I was so accurate with my Silly String Freeze Ray.

That's Doom Bunny as Wonder Woman! His wife bought the wig for him and she's apparently the only person in America that has no idea what Wonder Woman looks like.

Back before The Crime Syndicate and Gorilla Grodd Redux, The Rogues were busy trying to strike it rich by robbing a bank. That's a Speed Force Point for me because they were trying to rob the bank by going through a mine! Thus strike it rich! That was probably what Buccellato was going for. Maybe I should split the Speed Force Point with him. Maybe I shouldn't even be discussing Speed Force Points since I stopped using them well over a year ago and now nobody knows what the fuck I'm talking about!

Your starting line-up for tonight's comic!

The Rogues fail to steal ten million dollars because DC doesn't want rich super villains! What good are rich villains? What would motivate them to commit crimes? Even as I began asking that question, I knew it was stupid. Super Villains are always trying to steal as much money as possible. And to steal all that money, they usually spend a fortune on expensive gadgets and cutting edge technology. I suppose once they can afford to build a super secret space satellite, they have to keep committing crimes to pay for the staff and the fuel and the cable, electric, and water bills. It sounds like a stressful job being a super villain. I wouldn't bother even if I had a super power. I'd probably just go out on the street and busk to make enough money to pay for rent and food. And cable, of course.

The morning after The Rogue's celebration for failing to steal ten million dollars but full of self-congratulations for not having accidentally killed a building full of people, Glider decides it's time to rescue Mirror Master from his crappy Mirrorworld. It really does sound like a pretty boring place. Except you can go around watching people have sex. But you probably can't bake cookies.

Glider manages to free Mirror Master by using her Astral Projection somehow. It's all very metaphysical and you probably wouldn't understand the science behind the procedure. Not because you're too stupid but because I can't spell science words at all! You'd just be really confused when I began talking about tacky ions and electroencephalicardigans. I also can't explain the biology of why Glider goes into heart failure after freeing her beau.

Being that Glider is Captain Cold's sister, he throws a temper tantrum because she's dying. He decides to break up the team, get drunk, and go rob a bank.

Oh my god! You Rogues are boring the fuck out of me! "Don't kill anybody!" "Don't let my sister die!" "Don't rob banks while you're drunk!" Whiniest villains ever.

Everybody winds up in Mirrorworld for a gigantic group hug warm fuzzy feel good bullshit moment. Glider may be back in her coma but the rest of the team remains together. And they decide to allow Trickster back in for good measure. Which is where this thing began with the scene from Forever Evil. The team go to the Society meet and greet just like everybody else and then return to Keystone City to take over only to find a stupid monkey has already done it. And then left. Because he apparently has ADHD.

The Rogues #1 Rating: It could be that I'm very, very sleepy but I suspect this issue was just fucking stupid. We did learn how Mirror Master was freed but that was stupid. And we learned that The Rogues allowed Trickster back on the team but who fucking cares? Nothing really happened in this issue except Glider was sidelined and The Rogues ended up in a place where they're ready to fight for Keystone City in what will probably be a really shitty and unnecessary mini-series. That's my summation which is pretty shitty considering I've got major wood for The Rogues Gallery! So disappointingly mundane.

The Flash Annual #1

The Rogues were created by thinking up possible one-liners to use against The Flash and then building a super villain around the line.

Captain Cold: "Flash! I didn't leave you out in the cold! Let's cold cock these cold-hearted snakes!"
Heatwave: "You'll drop the cold puns cold, Captain Cold, when I bring the heat!"
Captain Cold: "Put your puns on ice, Heatwave, or your goose is cooked!"
Weather Wizard: "Blow it out your arse, Captain Cold! I'm here to rain on your parade!"
Flash: "Jesus fucking christ, you guys can give me a migraine faster than you can say, 'Where's Captain Boomerang?'"
Mirror Master: "Let me reflect on that! No! I have a better idea! How about you reflect on this!"
Glider: "Really, Mirror Master? You just going to breeze through this fight with mediocre lines like that?"
Turbine: "WHHHHHHEEEEEEEEE!"
Mirror Master: "We'll see about that! Get it? Seeing? Like in a mirror?"
Flash: "Did the puns get rebooted right out of you guys after Flashpoint?"
Captain Cold: "Don't make me sCOLD you!"
Heatwave: "I'm going to SCALD you!"
Weather Wizard: "Did I make a blowing pun already?"
Flash: "Ugh. I'm just going to end this now. You'll all be in prison in less than a second. See you next time!"

I always felt the Rogue's Gallery could use an Aboriginal villain named Didgeridoom who would play his instrument and invade your dreams. Unless that's too subtle. Then maybe he'd just shove his Didgeridoo up your ass and scream, "Squeal like a wallaby!"

Chapter One involves The Flash running around some salt flats and speaking directly to me. He shoves his analogy straight up my ass instead of playing it softly and letting it filter into my subconscious. His analogy is that racing across the Bonneville Salt Flats is a lot like life. His analogy starts off shaky just like the people in the analogy trying to race on salt. That's pretty creative! But when he finally gets to his point, he's merely saying he misses his dad. Oh, and that he was pretty surprised that Dr. Elias betrayed him!

Chapter One was decent but would have been better if The Flash's narration boxes weren't addressing a listener. He really should be speaking to himself in his own head and not directing his comments at some mysterious "you." Beautiful art though. So we'll just call this first chapter a misstep.

Chapter Two is a flashback to the Rogue's Gallery of a year and a half ago.

Telling Captain Cold to "freeze" is like telling an old person that it'll pay off "in the long run." I don't know how they're alike! You figure it out. I'm done shoving analogies up people's rectums.

That's so funny I had to use it twice! "Analogy." "Ass." "Rectum." Hee hee hee.

The Rogues end up in a conflict with The Flash. They manage to escape into Mirror Master's mirror world but not before The Flash takes back the cash. Another score gone wrong because of The Scarlet Speedster! Everyone is fed up with The Flash always stopping them. Trickster has the right idea: maybe they should relocate! Seriously! Why commit crime in a city where the hero can practically be everywhere at once? But Captain Cold doesn't like that idea and he kicks everyone out so he can drown his sorrows in whisky. And then he meets a stranger (unless the stranger is Dr. Elias!).

Ah ha! So this guy is the one to internalize all of the Rogue's weapons! No more high tech guns for The Flash to grab out of their hands. And also why Heatwave and the others are pissed at Captain Cold.

Chapter Two more than made up for Chapter One. Nice little mini-story about the Rogues with the first hints about why everyone hates Cold and how The Rogues' powers were internalized. The art is far less polished than the first chapter but that's on purpose. It looks ragged and beat just like the Rogues. Really nice style here.

Chapter Three is called The Price and looks like it'll deal with the deal Captain Cold just made without asking anyone else. He just brings them all to the magic machine and tells them it'll give them super powers! They go through with it and it works although the drawbacks are substantial.

What is the mirror world like? Is it an empty duplicate world with a hodge-podge of Hollywood movie sets placed wherever a mirror is set up in the real world to look like whatever images can be reflected in that mirror?

Chapter Three details the creation of the Rogues of the New 52. I like this origin story. Now to just find out who set them up and I believe it must have been Dr. Elias since Glider wanted to get even with him so badly.

Chapter Four is very short. It has Patty meeting with Turbine in the hospital to take his blood sample. She's going to try to help him figure out who he is. And then they see a news report about the Flash and the mayhem at the monorail grand opening. Turbine grabs Patty and tells her that he knows where Barry Allen is

This could cause some problems since Barry decided to let Patty believe he was dead. Is Patty going to learn the truth and force Barry to resurrect himself? Turbine knows all of this crap because he lived in the Speed Force for years watching movies play out of Barry Allen's life.

Chapter Five returns to where Issue #12 left off. Captain Cold joins The Flash to help defeat the Rogues. Glider grabs Flash Godiva style with her hair and flings him into a glass door. He phases right through and enters the mirror world!

Oh, it's boring. BOOO! HISSS!

They battle for awhile until Flash gets the upper hand and escapes. Once outside the Mirrorworld, Captain Cold gets the drop on him and takes him down. Captain Cold and his sister, Glider, had a little chat and it seems everything is cool with them again. He's proud of the work his sister did leading the Rogues but she's breaking some major rules he set up. She went for revenge. Cold always said to keep it about the score. Keep it simple. Plus she nearly killed Dr. Elias and the Rogues don't kill. So The Flash is unconscious and the Rogues are a happy family again when a bunch of strange pods drop out of the sky and crash in the streets of Central City.

Monkeys!

The Flash Annual #1 did a lot of comic book stuff right. The art, by a variety of artists, was excellent across the board. The Rogues are a group of villains that aren't interested in fighting heroes at all. Now that's what a super villain should be! They're in it for the money and because they really can't do anything else. Or don't want to work too hard at anything else, anyway. It had a good mix of action and dialogue. And all of the characters were properly motivated! Plus monkeys! And Patty is about to find out Barry Allen is The Flash because of that spinning retard Turbine!

The Flash #12

Does she slow him with her super power power or her super hot body power?

This issue begins with Glider breaking Captain Cold and Heatwave out of the armored vehicle taking them to jail. Since she gathered up Weather Wizard a few issues ago, it looks like Glider is getting the old team together for the New 52. And since the Flash Annual mentions The Rogue's right there on the cover, I'm about 60% positive that's what she's doing. One of the Rogue's on the cover of the Annual is the guy who spins around like a moron that The Flash rescued from inside the Speed Force. That guy is hilarious!

After reading the first page, it looks like Glider actually just wanted to break out Heatwave. She leaves her Brother strapped into the vehicle as it crashes through a barricade and plummets over the edge of a highway off-ramp. Sisters! Weather Wizard sweeps Heatwave into his car as he passes by the accident as Glider flies off to deal with another part of the plan. Captain Cold is saved at the last second.

I looked up the Pied Piper in my Who's Who from 1991 and was surprised to find that he was openly gay even back then. It seems he came out after reforming sometime after Crisis on Infinite Earths. So he was out of the closet sometime between 1985 and 1991. Very nice. Although I still think it's a bit weird to make the guy that plays flutes gay.

So The Pied Piper takes leaves Cold hanging. But Captain Cold isn't up there for long. Another member of the Rogue's Gallery happens along to help him out.

I don't know what Leonard did piss off his sister and Heatwave but I'm guessing it'll all come out in the Annual. Unless it's Pre-New 52 history! I wouldn't put that past DC.

The Rogue's Minus Captain Cold plan on getting even with Dr. Elias for doing something. Have I not been paying proper attention to this comic book? Glider puts a piece of shrapnel inside Elias which causes him to collapse in The Flash's arms in front of a bunch of reporters at a press conference. Elias was reporting on his new Green Monorail system which Heatwave and Weather Wizard are busy sabotaging. They send it off the rail and through one of Mirror Master's portals in the side of a building. I guess that was their plan? Steal a monorail?

Oh! I guess there was a little more to it!

The only thing left to do is escape through Mirror Master's portal. The Rogue's jump toward it and then smash their faces on a wall of ice. Don't fuck with Captain Cold, bitches!

I have to like this guy since he's the only super character I've ever cosplayed. As an adult, anyway!

The Flash #12 Rating: No change. This issue was fun but it just seemed all prologue for the Annual! I'd read that immediately just because they tie in but I only have two more comic books left of the regular New 52 before I'm all caught up (not counting Batman Incorporated #3 which my comic book store hasn't sold me yet! Jerks!).