Godhead #1

I'm sorry but does DC have zero employees in the "Please Let A Cynic Look At The Cover Before We Put It On The Stands" Department?

I can't be the only one that thinks Hal Jordan's reaction is to Darkseid blowing Highfather, right? I mean, the series is called "Godhead." And Highfather is directly quoted as bringing Darkseid to his knees with seven cock rings. The big #1 One-Shot doesn't help me dispel the image of Highfather's quivering cosmic man-meat spraying life equating juices all over Darkseid's stony maw. Anyway, DC, if you need somebody to head up your Department of Defeating Accidental Sexual Innuendo, put your dick in my mouth!

Godhead is a story about the long standing feud between Highfather of New Genesis and Darkseid of Apokolips. It's also a story of what happens when you're a member of a meddling cosmic police force that thinks they need to stick their noses into the business of every species in the known universe. It's what happens when somebody gets their immortal peanut butter into the chocolatey goodness of the most powerful weapon in the universe. That was not a description of Apokoliptian anal sex.

This Cosmic Money Shot begins with an explanation of how the universe was created. It's less about masturbation than previous Green Lantern creation tales though which is disappointing.

No, no. My mistake. God still flung cum all over the darkness to create existence.

Darkseid and Highfather have been in a cold war for billions of years. Neither one is very good at maths, so they've reached a stalemate where Highfather can't figure why he keeps getting the Life Equation wrong and Darkseid can't add two to two. But Highfather knows where the answers lie! In the great teacher's text known as The Source Wall! It is there that the story begins as Highfather and Metron examine it closely for a way in. The wall was breached by Kyle Rayner during the Relic Crisis which should probably be known as the Chicken Little Fiasco. Highfather speaks with Relic and discovers the way past the Source Wall: the Green Lantern Rings! Using the power of every color united, a person may pass the Source Wall and read the equation. Or, alternately, they can find Kyle Rayner and ask him if he remembers the Life Equation. He might remember it since he fucked around with it and changed it significantly. Small wonder the universe hasn't completely unraveled since then.

Over on Mogo, Saint Walker continues to despair. Or pout. Or shirk his duties. One of those! His ring still hangs out with him because, and this is a huge guess on my part, nobody else in the universe has any hope. Everybody still believes Kyle Rayner is dead but I have a suspicious feeling that he'll reveal himself during this cosmic crisis. Then Saint Walker will get a huge head erection and his ring will finally have him back. Unless Highfather takes Saint Walker's ring first. Isn't it the only Blue Lantern Ring left in the cosmos?

The Council of Elrond.

On New Korugar, Sinestro plans his next big snoozefest. He's all, "I do things my way because my way is the greatest way!" And Lyssa is all, "But the future says differently!" And Sinestro is all, "What is the future to me? I am Sinestro!" And Arkillow is all, "Wut?" And then a New God that I don't know BOOM Tubes in, jerks off her sword, and says, "Your ring. Give it to me." And Sinestro is all, "Hardy har har har!" And Arkillo is all, "Wut?" And Sinestro is all, "Oh no! I have fallen and I can't get up! Stop her and prove how mighty you are, Arkillo!" And Arkillo is all, "Wut? I mean, to arms!" And then he's all, "My fingers!" And then the New God is all, "BOOM!"

In other words, one ring down, six to go!

Over on Okaara, Larfleeze is all, "Mine mine mine! I am not a monkey!" But the New God that has paid him a visit is all, "Give me the ring, monkey." And then Larfleeze cries while trying to scoop up each tear, sobbing, "Mine! Mine! Mine!"

In other words, two rings down, whatever seven minus two is to go!

If I may put forward a slight observation from a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader: Lanterns are garbage.

The most powerful weapons in the universe can be stolen so easily! I think it's time to begin installing the rings in the butt. Not every creature capable of wearing a ring has fingers, so there have been modifications to the system, right? Where does Mogo even keep his? Up his grand canyon?

Over on Nok, the nok of the nok noks, another New God (this one with a pig dog and a dwarfish beard braid) takes a ring off of an Indigo Lantern. The Indigo Lantern, proffering the hand with the ring, is all, "Um...no, no! This is me protesting vehemently. Please do not take the ring or I will become a serial killer again and begin drinking the blood of young virgin children and eating the spleens of late night driving teenagers found alone on the highway and cutting off the sexual organs of elderly folks who thought they were just out to get an early bird breakfast. Please do not make me into that glorious creature. Did I say glorious? I meant awful. That awful creature." And the New God is all, "Sorry, Dudebro. But I gots ta do what I gots ta do. Here, take this Grandmaster Magic Sword in trade. But don't use it to go on some killing spree or nuttin, sees?"

In other words, a bunch of rings down, a few more to go.

I don't really know what's going on with the Red Lanterns but apparently one of the humans that earned a ring back when Atrocitus conscripted all the Type A people on Earth into joining the Red Lanterns still has her ring. But that makes sense because to take a Red Lantern's ring is to kill a Red Lantern and Charles Soule just recently killed off all the extra Red Lanterns. This Red Lantern is angry at the sex slave trade for some reason. Doesn't she like illegal free market capitalism which manipulates the lives of powerless people and makes ungodly profits at the expense of the free will of seemingly powerless people? Is she a communist? Anyway, she frees all of the sex slaves ever which is as much resolution for her anger as she's going to get.

Leave it to Charles Soule to be all, "Hey, dickheads! While you're reading your funny book, remember that the world is full of awfulness and misery and people fighting for their lives and their power and their dignity and every fucking thing they have which is hardly anything but is still being taken from them by monsters. And you...look at you. Reading a funny book with one hand down your pants hoping some artist decides to draw a little hint of a nip, you fucking fanperv."

I've lost count but since the next scene is Orion and Metron BOOM Tubing onto Mogo, I have a feeling only two rings are left: Green and Blue. Saint Walker's ring should be easy to take! Just shove him on his ass and scoop it up! But Mogo's is probably hidden deep within some lava filled chasm! Surrounded by thousands of tons of rock and dirt!

Oh. Oh, Mogo, you big dumb ball of dumb.

Mogo and Saint Walker lose their rings and they deserved it! Just letting something so powerful float around your head or hang from a twiggy branch on a tree. Although now that Mogo's lost his ring, what's going to happen to all the non-Lanterns on the planet? It doesn't look like Mogo was currently in a hospitable zone in some nice, cozy sun-drenched solar system! Is everybody on planet going to freeze to death?! If that's the case, hopefully some other Green Lantern (*coughHalJordancough*) will give Mogo their ring to save everyone.

Once he has all the rings, Highfather has them fitted into his mace so that he can wield the White Light which, apparently, is the Life Equation. So Kyle has been master of the Life Equation all this time? Which means Nekron or Black Hand wields the Anti-Life Equation? How has Darkseid been so blind? Shouldn't he have smelled the Black Lanterns? He's gotten too distracted searching all over the multiverse for a comfortable chair.

Highfather tests out his new device only to find using all the rings together does not equal the Life Equation. It just equals the ability to destroy a Black Lantern. What he needs is an actual White Lantern Ring. So now he has to find Kyle Rayner and punch him in the balls. Plus, Highfather has decided that all of the other Lanterns are too dangerous to live. That means it's once again that time of year: LANTERN COSMIC CRISIS! At least this time, they all get to fight together.

Godhead #1 Rating: This is just a one-shot! It doesn't get a rating! But as far as cosmic crises go, I have to say it might be my favorite yet of The New 52 because it involves the New Gods and it will involve, hopefully, Darkseid (unless he just misses it all because he's long stopped caring about anything New Genesis gets up to). Plus nobody is being assimilated by anything else!

Vibe #6

What the fuck is Vibe's worst nightmare? Anilingus?

Last issue, Vibe ended up in a prison cell in ARGUS's Circus with Gypsy in a cell across the way. Pariah is also in one of these cells because he probably came by to warn everybody about some big jerk called The New 52 Anti-Monitor but Amanda Waller and her goons threw him in his prison tube before he could get the message across. Or maybe he arrived to alert everyone to Darkseid's invasion? I wonder if Harbinger is imprisoned here as well?

Agent Gunn is pissed off at Amanda Waller because she's micro-managing his work in The Circus.

Gunn's husband telling Gunn to act like a punk-ass bitch.

If I were Gunn, I'd tell Waller to fuck off. But then I've never quit a job with a back-up job already in place. When something about a job bothered me, I quit. I once quit a job because my feelings were hurt when they printed up the catalog for the company and they listed everybody's name but mine. Instead of my name, they printed, "The Warehouse Staff." The Warehouse Staff was me, motherfuckers. Just me! My fucking name is shorter than "The Warehouse Staff", you stupid fucking jerks! It was a company that made leather bags and it was owned by a husband and wife team. On the plus side, when I told the husband I quit, he seemed genuinely moved and sorry about the mistake. But it was time to move on anyway. That was less of a reason to quit than the time my manager cried during one of my quarterly reviews. Big surprise, I didn't get the raise because I wasn't trying to be her friend. I suppose I could have gone to Human Resources with that one but since that was my manager's sister's job, I figured I'd be better off just leaving that sinking ship.

If you hadn't noticed, I'm the kind of worker that corporations hate. It's a good thing I have my own business now because who the fuck would want me? The hardest part of my job now is keeping myself from quitting.

Back to the comic book (I know, I know! I'm way more interesting than Vibe! But you're not the only one who reads this blog, Mom! People want to hear me make dick jokes about Vibe!), Dante busts in through Gunn's front window to lay down the law. He's going to help him break Vibe out of The Circus or else he's going to Tumbl everything he knows about ARGUS and tag it "social justice." That shit will have 100,000 Notes in no time!

Speaking of dick jokes, Amanda Waller has a stupid bourgeois thing or two to say to Gypsy.

If someone runs from people that claim to be in authority, it doesn't always fucking mean they have something to hide. Sometimes it means those people in authority are violent, bigoted, overzealous, power hungry dildos. Oh, I didn't actually have a dick joke. I just meant Amanda Waller was a dick and what she had to say was a joke.

I'm curious if that Scissorman in the Circus Tube in the background is from Doom Patrol. I mean, fuck, where else would he be from? I think they were from that weird dimension where everybody spoke in random strings of words.

Later Gunn appears at ARGUS dragging along a humanoid hyena in armor speaking the language of the aliens who ate Sunboy in the Legion of Super-heroes. I wasn't able to decipher that language because every time the aliens spoke, they seemed to use over 26 symbols meaning they were just regurgitating the alphabet and maybe some numbers or punctuation. This hyena guy (which is probably, somehow, Dante in Dog Drag) is speaking shorter words but the font is so small and crazy that I'm not even going to bother straining my eyes trying to read it.

But then on the next page, Dog-Dante gives me what must be an "I" in the alien language and I decide to give it a very, very slight go at deciphering.

And that's when I realize this is The Trench Language which had some translations given in Aquaman. So there is hope! Although the font is still crazy hard to read.

This will probably get a little boring as I walk through my process for solving cryptograms. Cryptograms with pictures help to clue you in to the context of the quote. This looks like it begins with "I" and then a four letter word. Since this is Dante and he's pissed, my first guess is that he's saying, "I hate" something. By looking at The Trench translation of "What are you?" from Aquaman #3, it looks like "I hate" is correct. The Trench font is less clear and more blotchy, as if it were written by a leaky fountain pen or a quill. But I'm fairly certain Dog-Dante is saying, "I hate you all." The font is very difficult to see unless I scan it and enlarge it, I'm just not even going to be bothered to translate the first couple of speech bubbles by Dog-Dante earlier. Maybe if Sterling Gates pokes his head around these parts, he'll be so impressed by my translation of this one bubble that he'll give us the others for free!

Except I'm a stubborn bastard so one more scan to try before I continue. Don't worry, I won't write about this process! If I give up, I'll just continue with my normally scheduled commentary in the next paragraph.

Dante is allowed to remove the Dog-Soldier Armor before entering The Zoo so the reader can finally understand him and then he begins speaking Spanish. You know what? Spanish is harder to translate than Trench speak! Although if he were saying "mal niño" I'd know what he was saying because that and "hace frio" and "hace calor" are pretty much all the Spanish my grandmother used around me. Mostly just "mal niño" though. That means "You're a great kid of exceptional quality." Although I don't know why she thought beating me with a wooden spoon while praising me was a good idea.

Dante manages to break Vibe free while I was distracted by nostalgia. But that's about the only part of the plan that works out for them.

Whoops!

Now ARGUS can take Dante away and heal him with some kind of nanobotistry which will give him super powers. Waller will tell Vibe that his brother died. And then Dante will become Purgatorio Inferno who will be a tool of ARGUS and end up becoming Vibe's nemesis. Or maybe he'll escape from ARGUS and Vibe will have to battle him every time he comes back to kill Waller or destroy ARGUS's Circus.

ARGUS Mecha-men attempt to subdue Vibe but he has this power which allows him to break glass with hardly any effort at all! So he shakes a little of that shit around the Circus and things suddenly begin to feel like Arkham on every day of the week ending in Ednesday!

Ladies and Gentleman, your 2013 Circus Escapees! Sergeant Horned Rogue! Pariah! Abnegazar, Rath, and Ghast! And Transgendermensional! Unless that last one is Warp. It could be Warp!

The only other characters I recognize on the next page are Phantasm from Team Titans and Lady Quark from any comic that I found dull and boring. And the three demon brothers might not be Abnegazar, Rath, and Ghast. But this could be what happened to them after they failed to help Felix Faust take over The Black Room.

Oh yeah. It's one of Morrison's Doom Patrol Scissormen.

During the chaos, Vibe begins to break down again. Oh right. How often is he going to pull this stunt now that he knows Gypsy will kiss him to get his concentration back? I'm not buying it. Stop fucking around and trying to get your smooch on and help your dying brother escape this place, you horndog!

Well, he is only like seventeen or something. I'd probably be spending every waking second trying to figure out how to get Gypsy to touch me again too.

Vibe's freakout causes the barriers between dimensions to grow weak and then a villain with possibly the most squirm inducing name I could have come up with breaches the barrier: RUPTURE! I don't live in fear of much but every time I move anything heavier than a sandwich, I imagine I'm going to get a hernia. I hate the human body and all of its frailties. My top three body malfunctions would have to be rectal prolapse, hernia, and biting the inside of my cheek.

Here comes Rupture tearing through dimensional walls allowing himself and the intestines of his homeworld to slither on into Earth Prime! Gypsy refers to him as "The Hound of Mordeth" so I suppose Mordeth is the bad guy that put Gypsy's people on the run. That may have already been information that the reader knew but I'm not one of those people that can remember everything! Or anything, most of the time. I once took the test to get on Jeopardy when Alex Trebek came to San Francisco mostly because my mom encouraged me and, well, why the fuck not try out? But even if I know the answers to questions, I really need a format that lets the contestant buzz in and go, "Okay! Yeah, I know this one. It's...let me see...shit, it's right on the tip of my tongue! I know it has to do with that guy who did that thing and the name of his dog was the name of the wife of the guy who traveled to that place back in the thirties...oh! It's so close!" Also, I'd probably have to walk over and slap Alex Trebek when he corrected my pronunciation of every fucking French word that would come out of my mouth.

Amanda Waller believes that Rupture has come for Omega, so she sends all of her soldiers to guard the Omega Room. So now all Vibe has to do is get past Rupture who Gypsy has assured him has killed thousands of people with his bared teeth. But then Rupture recognizes Vibe because like I've been saying, "DOMINO MASKS DON'T HIDE IDENTITIES!" Sheesh.

Breacher #1 meet Breacher #2! Also, notice Dante is going to become Inferno. I'd still prefer Purgatorio.

Vibe #6 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm still not sure why the cover said his only hope is his worst nightmare. Dante was his only hope, so Dante is his worst nightmare? Or is Rupture his only hope which is also his (and my!) worst nightmare? I don't fucking get the cover copy! Somebody needs to explain it to me. Slowly and clearly! I'm obviously an idiot.

Vibe #5

This has the potential to be the best issue of Suicide Squad yet.

It only took five issues before Amanda Waller lost all control of Vibe and had to send the Suicide Squad after him. She is one impatient asshole. Too bad the Squad doesn't have an additional member like Air Wave or Shockwave or Tidal Wave so there might be some tension from the possibility of a member dying. But if it's just King Shark and Deadshot and Harley Quinn, nobody is going to die. Except maybe Agent Gunn's husband! He seems pretty dispensable after the big ring controversy from last issue.

Vibe is currently trying to save Gypsy from being taken by ARGUS. He's seen enough of ARGUS and their secretive ways to know they're not telling him the whole truth about the Breachers. Plus he had that half of a message delivered to him by the first Breacher that seemed to be pretty important if a bit mysterious being that it was half of a message. Plus Gypsy is really pretty, so you have to believe the pretty girl is innocent and the soldiers with the guns and the violence are not very innocent at all.

To make sure ARGUS can't trace him and Gypsy as they light out for the territories (the territories being a secret place where Vibe is going to meet up with his brother Dante), he destroys any piece of ARGUS technology he has on him.

Rules Violation! Vibe should be blurry and indistinct in the video feed!

Gypsy explains to Vibe that her wicked stepmother kicked her out of the caravan for making a bad trade. So her tribe left without her but her father has been sending messages to her every time the tribe entered a new dimension. So Vibe believes he can find Gypsy a portal back to her family.

Vibe fiddles with his Vibration Vision and realizes he can see Interdimensional Portals all over the city. But he's laid low from the pain caused by using this power and Gypsy can think of only one way to distract him so he can stop focusing on his powers.

Vibe the Living Sex Toy!

And then the Suicide Squad attacks! Goddamn cock blockers.

The best part about their appearance is that a guy named Crowbar is hanging out with them! Yay! Crowbar is going to get his ass killed! I know Vibe won't kill him and I'm pretty sure Gypsy won't either. I bet Deadshot kills him. Gypsy will disguise herself to look like Crowbar and Deadshot will put a bullet in the real Crowbar's brain! And then that'll mean Sterling Gates killed just as many members of the Suicide Squad as Adam Glass did!

But first the Suicide Squad has to actually do their job well! Deadshot shoots Gypsy in the shoulder which causes her to say 'fiddle sticks' in Runespeak and which puts King Shark into a blood frenzy. As he's about to eat her, Vibe fails to save her because he gets hit in the back of the head by Crowbar's crowbar.

Let's take a moment to discuss Crowbar. Is this guy a member of Sixpack's Section Eight? Who picks up a fucking crowbar and thinks, "Holy damn! I'm a fucking Super Villain!" Maybe the Crowbar is the one used to kill Jason Todd and it's gained a demonic sentience, imbuing the wielder with super strength, invulnerability, and bad one-liners.

Is his sister back home in Ethiopia?

Crowbar's crowbar (help me please don't make me say that anymore) absorbs Vibe's powers. It can apparently redirect the power as well but Crowbar just keeps building up more and more power. There's a huge blast of power from the feedback and Crowbar disappears. His crowbar doesn't though. He's probably not dead though. I'm sure he was just blasted into another dimension. But is he an interesting enough character to rescue from that dimension? Probably not. So he's dead. Or maybe he's now the sentient presence in the crowbar! Because his name is Crowbar and now he's actually a crowbar! That's probably the way that went down.

The feedback also knocked Vibe silly and Deadshot knocks him unconscious with one more punch. Now they just have to find Gypsy since she was knocked free from King Shark's grip in Crowbar's power release.

Nobody would have let King Shark carry a deliciously edible person anyway.

Vibe and Gypsy wake up back in The Zoo. Agent Gunn isn't happy about it. Dante knows his brother is in trouble because he never arrived at their rendezvous. And Agent Gunn gets a dressing down from Waller. Amanda's next big project is to find a replacement on the Justice League of America for Vibe. If that happens, they'll have to change the title of this comic book from Justice League of America's Vibe to Now Nobody Has a Reason To Keep Reading Vibe.

Vibe #5 Rating: +1 Ranking. That ranking was actually for the Suicide Squad. How come they work so well as a team when they're in somebody else's comic book? That's the opposite of what usually happens. Maybe because they're bad guys, they have to fail and suck in their own books but they're allowed to defeat the protagonist of other titles since heroes always have to rise up after being defeated to truly be heroic. So the Squad served their purpose and moved on. And a Suicide Squad member died! Sure, he was some nobody named Crowbar using a magic crowbar imbued with the demonic energy of the murder of Jason Todd. But that's probably why he was killed. Because the Magic Crowbar is the important half of that villain team.

Vibe #3

This isn't a surprise! It's just repeating the end of Vibe #2!

So Geoff Johns is already off Vibe. I realized he was only on the thing to give it a bit of a jump start and then he was going to move on to give a monthly title to the next big DC loser that nobody would ever want to see in a monthly title. Taking over for writing duties is Sterling Gates. The only other thing I've read by Gates is The New 52 Hawk and Dove which was just awful. Although Sterling Gates assured me it was meant to be that way.

The best way to show that a super hero is a really good super hero is to have him fight another really good super hero. They should have some kind of misunderstanding that could easily be talked out but instead comes to blows. The fight will either end in a draw when they realize they don't actually have a problem with each other or when the super hero whose name is on the cover of the comic book beats the crap out of the other super hero. It looks like Kid Flash is about to get his ass handed to him.

The comic begins with Vibe patrolling Detroit because he feels it's expected of him. It probably is because Amanda Waller and Agent Gunn are still listening to and spying on him through his high tech goggles. They're concerned with his ability to keep his identity secret since he's already told his brother and it looks like he's about to tell his father as well. And since his brother Dante is going to eventually be a super villain, they have every right to be concerned. But mostly, Amanda just wants to test out his powers against a Speedster since the main reason he's on the team is to defeat The Flash when the Justice League of America finally goes toe to toe with the Justice League.

And if he's not the key, better that he die at the hands of Kid Flash when it doesn't mean anything than when he has to save the world in the Trinity War!

On Vibe's way home to dinner, he's picked up by a Justice League of America Normie Personnel Transport for a super not-so-secret mission. Vibe can't fly so he's got to ride to the emergencies with all of the normies.

Ammunition that slows down a target still needs to be able to hit the fucking target. Good luck with that.

Amanda Waller is a complete dick. She's using tax payer money to fund an organization that's main goal is to destroy the Justice League, an organization whose main goal is to protect people. But since she isn't in control of them, she needs to stage a war with them and knock them down a peg. It's American Imperialism 101. But she doesn't stop there with her dickish ways. She's also decided to fuck with poor innocent Kid Flash simply to test Vibe's abilities. What the hell has this kid done to you? Well, besides his team infiltrating Belle Reve and embarrassing the fuck out of you and the Squad. Oh. You know, that might be the real reason behind this. She's trying to save face. But what happens if Red Robin realizes she's behind this attack on Kid Flash? Is he going to negate the mystery deal they made where the teams don't fuck with each other in return for that mystery mutual benefit?

During the search for Kid Flash, Vibe constantly chatters at Agent Gunn, asking questions and thanking him for his help and showing interest in his personal life. How long before Agent Gunn feels too guilty to keep up Amanda's bullshit with this kid?

They find Kid Flash pretty quickly in the subway which means they're all unarmed and helpless at nearly the exact same time. Hypo-accelerants! What a joke! Good thing they brought Vibe along! I mean, the only reason they're here is to have Vibe battle Kid Flash so I'm guessing the hypo-accelerants were bullshit and they were all actually just firing blanks. Have I mentioned Waller's a dick? Everybody needs to just stop working for her. Just stop, people. Ignore the nanobombs in your neck. Ignore the possible court martial. Just stop feeding this beast! It's the only way to end her horrible dick influence on the DCnU.

Vibe knocks Kid Flash on his ass with his Vibrator Powers but Kid Flash is off and running again almost immediately. Vibe can see Kid Flash's energy trail, so he hunts him down. Gunn warns Vibe to not engage with Kid Flash and to wait for back-up once he finds Kid Flash because Agent Gunn doesn't want Vibe figuring out that Kid Flash is not a thief or an arsonist or an interdimensional breacher. And Vibe realizes some conspiratorial bullshit is going down because he saw the way Agent Gunn killed that other creature that simply wanted to talk. So Vibe goes rogue.

Oh come on! You have vibrational frequency powers! You can mimic static better than that!

When Kid Flash grabs up Vibe to confront him, there's an energy surge between them and Vibe is somehow able to see Kid Flash's past. This is where someone makes a "or future!" joke. But not me! No sir! Unless I can make a penis or vagina joke, I keep my mouth shut!

Oh! Maybe Vibe can cure Kid Flash of his problem with his vibrational frequency that threatens to tear him apart when he's out of costume! That way, artists can continue to draw Kid Flash out of his costume but not be wrong to do so!

Kid Flash explains to Vibe that he's not a criminal and that he was searching for an odd place he recently had a dream about. He believes it's the place where he arrived from the future. Since Kid Flash doesn't know anything more, Vibe suggests Kid Flash let Vibe touch him. For research, of course. But some pseudo-scientist on Waller's team makes up some stupid mumbo jumbo that sends her into a panic.

I'm pretty sure ARGUS hires Coast to Coast AM "experts" as their scientists. If they can think it, it must be true!

Kid Flash puts a stop to all the touchy-feely bullshit going down because he doesn't want ARGUS to know anything more about him than they already do. Kid Flash takes off telling Vibe that maybe he shouldn't be working for the bad guys. I think that's the first thing Kid Flash has ever said that I agreed with! Kid Flash has been unbearable in all of those books written by Scott Lobdell. But Sterling Gates made him sympathetic and likable in just a few pages. Lobdell is awful!

Sometimes I think my commentaries are just the candy coated shell surrounding the sweet chocolate of a good "Scott Lobdell sucks" statement.

Meanwhile back in Detroit, systems failed all over the place from the time destroying feedback loop created when Vibe fondled Kid Flash. This caused Gypsy's power dampening field in her cylinder to crash, allowing her to take the form of an ARGUS guard and call for help. Another guard opened Gypsy's cylinder to free the guard and Gypsy escaped. You know, this probably wouldn't have happened if Amanda Waller told people the things they need to know. If the guards knew Gypsy's power was to look like other people, they might have been suspicious and not opened her cylinder. I wonder when Amanda will learn that keeping all of the information to herself usually simply backfires?

But in the end, Waller is happy because they determined that Vibe can sever a speedster's link to the Speed Force. He will indeed be useful if he ever has to go against The Flash.

Later, Cisco has a conversation with his soon-to-be super villainous brother Dante. Dante, being a future super villain, knows all the right untrustworthy questions to ask and helps grow the seed of doubt in Cisco's head into a nice little seedling.

That voice at the end might be Gypsy in her native interdimensional travel suit. Maybe.

Vibe #3 Rating: +2 Ranking. Making Kid Flash sympathetic earns the comic +1 Ranks and making Vibe mistrust ARGUS gets it another. At some point, Amanda Waller needs to get knocked into the gutter. She's so unlikable in The New 52.

Vibe #2

How does Vibe even get into this position? I thought the main point of his power was it could vibrate Parademons into nonexistence.

Writing a little something every day is a superb way to track the fluctuations in your brain chemistry. The past week or so, I haven't really felt like writing commentary on comic books but I keep at it because I don't know how not to. The thing I dislike most about writing while in this mood is the way my manic thoughts seem dulled. The commentaries just don't pop when my mind isn't throwing five thoughts at me at once. It colors my reactions as well. I've been waiting all year for Morrison's ultimate issue of Action Comics and I was barely able to plod through it, walking away four or five times while reading it. I really just want to crawl into bed and sleep.

Instead, I'm going to read a comic book about one of the worst comic book characters in DC History. And I don't think giving him the power to get a headache when he's near other-dimensional creatures is helping his reputation. Oh! Don't forget his inability to be photographed. I have some family members that might actually pick that power as their answer when asked, "If you could have one super power, what would it be?" My first reaction is immortality but what good would that be without invulnerability! Just ask Koschei the Deathless! The Deathstroke version, not the Russian fairy tale version. Super speed would suck because you would constantly be waiting for everyone or everyone would constantly want you to run their errands. Although I might like the metabolism of a speedster. Flight would be fun but, again, I think I'd pass if invulnerability wasn't thrown in as a freebie. I think the power I'd like is to make my farts smell like cows so that on road trips, I could fart in the car and everybody would roll the windows up.

Last issue, Vibe was tricked into joining Justice League of America and working for that lying prick, Amanda Waller. This issue, Detroit proves that it is indeed an inter-dimensional nexus.

To the surprise of absolutely nobody.

The alien above is merely saying, "Alien Language." No, no. It's Runespeak, sir! Or Old Portugese [sic]! Although the alien isn't claiming to be saying what he's speaking. Perhaps he simply has a speech impediment that causes him to say the same two things over and over. Or those are the only two words in his language. I don't know what dimension this guy is from but he kind of looks like a Parademon in Cthulu Drag.

While this monster is sneaking into our dimension under cover of Detroit, Cisco (Vibe!) is busy showing his costume to his soon-to-be-super-villain brother. Of course Amanda Waller (who is watching everything through his glasses that record all of the action but Cisco doesn't realize are always on because Amanda Waller is a gigantic snoop) can't believe Vibe is already blowing his secret identity. And she has every right to be annoyed! Dante is going to be trouble!

The Shadowy Egghead will probably be trouble as well.

I looked up "Shadowy Egghead" in the Who's Who and there was no entry for him. They must have forgotten him when they sent it to print.

Shadowy Egghead turns out to be Agent Gunn (I think?). He's come by to lecture Vibe about telling people his secret identity. Now Amanda Waller has Dante categorized as a "Probable Incompetent Super Villain Threat That Will Die When He's Used By A More Competent Super Villain To Get At The Justice League Of America." Or "Lazy Bum." Amanda Waller can never be too careful.

Meanwhile the Cthuluian Drag Queen is busy watching news reports about the country of Kahndaq (sounds familiar!) and a terrorist group called The Sons of Adam (Captain Atom's cult?) and the "controversial Stagg Industries Refinery" (Metamorpho's in-laws!). Oh, he also hears the news report say, "A.R.G.U.S." and the Cthuluian Drag Queen freaks the fuck out.

Vibe is supposed to meet the other members of the Justice League of America in the morning, so he heads home to research them online.

Just in case anyone forgot that Hawkman is now more like the Preboot Hawkman than the Tony Daniel/Rob Liefeld colostomy bag from The New 52.

Eventually Vibe gets another headache because the Cthuluian Drag Queen is close to his house. Agent Gunn calls to let him know they've picked up a strange reading as well. The Justice League of America can sense the inter-dimensional beings but they need Vibe to track down their specific location and to send them back where they came from or destroy them. But being a military organization, I don't think they have any current plans for what to do when the creature just wants to talk.

The Note (horizontally flipped): "I REALLY LOVE MY GIRLFREIND MAITE, SHE TRULY IS THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ME." Well, um, thanks, Alien! I'm sure Vibe will be happy to pass the message along.

Agent Gunn (who I'm willing to believe is the same Gunn from the television show Angel after Amanda Waller resurrected him to give him a government job dealing with monstrous beasts because he had so much experience) kills the monster and lies to Vibe just like a good government agent should. Fuck the truth of things when you can just kill stuff to try and maintain control. He claims the note was a formal declaration of war and Vibe just saved the world. Oh! So you can stop a war by killing the person handing over the declaration? That's good to know! Lots of lives saved! The note is confiscated and given to Amanda Waller.

Even though I just translated the letter, Amanda Waller gives it to the person they have in the Circus that can read it: Gypsy. This is apparently in Gypsy's native tongue. So Old Portugese [sic]/Runespeak/Alien Language is Gypsy's native language? So does that mean she comes from the same place that Peraxxus came from? A lot of people sure do like this language. It's more popular than Interlac. Gypsy says the note is from her father and that Gypsy should return home. But Amanda isn't letting Gypsy go anywhere, so Amanda wants Gypsy to pen a response saying something like, "Having a hell of a time. Wish you were here! But, umm, don't come anywhere near here because it's too much fun!" But since Amanda can't read the thing, what's to stop Gypsy from writing back, "Captured by miserable bitch. Send troops now."

A day later, Vibe is in Washington DC ready to meet his teammates. While he's waiting for the ten o'clock meeting, Vibe is discussing the setup with his brother over the phone.

It's a wonder anybody ever arrives for a Legion of Doom meeting with this kind of thinking.

And then Vibe and the rest of the Justice League of America are introduced to the public as the most free, Godly, democratic, wealthiest but caring, smartest, best, greatest heroes ever created in the entire world! The Americans cheer wildly while the rest of the world rolls their eyes and makes whacking off motions. During the show, Amanda is already setting up plans to make sure Vibe fights with Kid Flash to establish that he's a real hero by fighting another real hero.

Vibe #2 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic book was an enjoyable enough way to pass the time. It held my interest. I was entertained.

Vibe #1

Vibe should be thanked for helping kill the Silver/Bronze Age run of Justice League of America so that Giffen and DeMatteis could bring about the best Justice League of America ever. You heard me, Grant Morrison! Feck off! Keith and J.M. did it better!

I suspect the interior of the comic book will explain why Vibe is such an unlikely hero. Is he perhaps a juvenile delinquent that hates authority? Perhaps he's a brain dead kid in a coma? Maybe he's a NAMBLA member with a love of justice and young boys? Perhaps he's a porn star known as Fingers McBang? It could just be that what the cover is really saying with a sly wink and elbow nudge to the comic book audience is that this is "The Unlikeliest Comic Book." It's almost as if Geoff Johns and Dan Didio and whoever else is in charge at DC are running DC by accepting dares. Nobody has been clamoring for Vibe to star in his own series. I'm almost certain everyone was fine with his body decaying wherever Martian Manhunter shoved it after his death in Justice League of America #258.

After he succeeded at making Aquaman appear to be less lame than he actually is, Geoff Johns decided he needed an even greater challenge. He dug through 25 cent comic boxes at conventions and scoured the internet to find the character most reviled by fans and George Pérez! But I'm sure before even beginning his search, he was aware of who he would pick It had to be a member of the worst incarnation of Justice League of America ever put together. Gypsy. Vixen. Steel. Vibe. The team was basically Martian Manhunter's last hope of keeping the "family" together (although now that I list the names of the characters in that JLA incarnation, they seem the perfect mix of heroes to represent Americans. A gypsy. A vixen. Steel which can be read both as the building blocks of skyscrapers and getting pick-pocketed while visiting those skyscrapers. Martian Manhunter which kind of sounds like a pseudonym for anti-immigrant xenophobes). Geoff Johns probably flipped a coin and Gypsy lost her chance at her own title. At least until another wave or two when Geoff Johns has handed the reins of Vibe over to somebody else and he moves on to his next challenge.

I'm actually interested in a Gypsy comic book. More often than not, my hyperbole tends to betray my actual feelings.

Enough blather. Time to find out why Vibe is such a fucking unlikely hero!

This is Vibe five years ago before he was Vibe and he was just plain old Cisco who must be thirteen years old or so even though he's probably malnourished because he lives in poverty in Detroit which is why he looks eight.

Get it? He's full of potential! Energy! Like a gigantic vibrator!

Immediately after his eldest brother tells him this and his other older brother explains how he's going to be a super villain later (especially since he's already got a cool Super Villain name: Dante!), one of Darkseid's Boom Tubes opens up right on Cisco's face.

A lesser commenter than me might make a "Taste the Painbow" joke right here, but not me. I'm above stupid shit like that. I'm more of the "Darkseid just Boom Tubed straight in that kid's mouth" kind of guy.

It turns out getting Boom Tubed in the face gives you super Vibratory powers. Fuck, why not? Why not make every aspect of this secret origin porn-related? Vibe already sounds like some kind of sexual lubricant.

Cisco's eldest brother, Armando, is killed by a Parademon as he pulls Cisco free. But even more evidence stacks up that Dante is going to be a super villain as he backs away, more concerned with his own life than his brother's. And then the story moves five years into the future to drop it a year behind all of the other comic book titles! Have Johns and Kreisberg forgotten that a year and a half has passed since all of the other comic books began? Or am I supposed to believe that comics don't actually move through time much? Perhaps one year in real time is two months in comic book time?

So five years later, Cisco has not gone to college like Armando told him he should. Instead he's working at a Comic Book Version of Best Buy or Fry's Electronics. That does make him a pretty unlikely hero! As Vibe, is he going to go up to random people on the streets and ask, "Have you been helped?" Dante stops by to visit Cisco and beg for money because Dante is a soccer playing bum that has yet to figure out how to be successful at super villainry. Although as soon as he realizes his Super Villain name should be Purgatorio, he'll jump right in! Oh! Maybe Inferno would be even better!

Currently Dante's way to make money is to borrow it from Cisco's college fund or to talk Cisco into gambling his college fund and then borrowing from the winnings. But I guess there aren't too many games of chance where vibrating helps you cheat. Unless Vibe is so good at controlling his vibrations he can get the roulette ball to drop in any number he wants. He'd probably have better luck jumping the other winners at the casino as they headed to their cars.

More Super Villain Origin stuff.

I don't think Cisco realizes he has powers yet although he shows up as a blur in cameras and film. Am I supposed to believe that Cisco has no friends with camera phones? Or does Cisco and his friends just laugh at how he's always fucking up their photos because he's so jumpy? Someone close to Cisco should have noticed by now since Amanda Waller has! She's now hunting him because Waller apparently runs every super hero organization in the DC Universe.

Agent Dale Gunn of ARGUS drives up in a couple of humvees and a compact car all covered in ARGUS symbols. I'm not sure what the ARGUS symbol is supposed to represent. A backwards looking bloodshot eye [It's actually shown clearer later. It looks like a forward looking bloodshot eye shooting needles out of it!]? Anyway, this Dale Gunn convinces Cisco to hop in his government kidnap wagon with him by mentioning Armando. Well, that was fucking too easy. Stupid kid.

Let this be a lesson, children! Do not get into a car with a stranger! Especially if that stranger mentions he's a member of a Government Agency! Especially if you're a minority! I'd rather take my chances with a serial killer because at least people would believe you when you tell them he tried to kill you! But just try to tell everyone that a Government Agent tried to touch your Hispanic privates! They'll roll their eyes right off their fucking faces.

ARGUS gives Cisco some information that apparently Cisco didn't know as well. They have pictures of a blurry person defending a woman at an ATM. Cisco might not have known that he was exhibiting strange powers when he kicked the thugs asses. Or maybe he did know. He could just be acting coy around the government agents. Whichever might be the case, ARGUS wants his help.

So Apokoliptian farts give Vibe a headache? Is that what I just read?

Inside the house is a Parademon. Agent Gunn says it's the one that killed Armando. But Agent Gunn works for Amanda Waller and Amanda Waller wouldn't tell the truth unless the lie she told was a paradox that actually made the lie true. It's possible Waller had this Parademon set free to get Vibe to learn to use his powers. Or it could be this Parademon truly has been roaming the streets eating homeless people for five years like Agent Gunn says. The Agent also mentions they've "been tracking it since it first came here." So you knew it was eating homeless people and you just let it fucking roam free? Who's the real monster here?

Cisco takes the bait, learns to control his vibratory powers, and kills the Parademon. Actually Cisco just punches it with a Vibro-Jab, but the Parademon is pulled apart because he's knocked in-between his "vibrational dimension" and Earth's. Hopefully that doesn't happen every time Vibe punches somebody since Vibe is caught somewhere between those two dimensions. If he punches an Earthling, will he infect the Earthling with Apokolips Vibrations and tear them apart as well?

Aha. So that's what happened to Detroit.

Vibe agrees to be trained by ARGUS and become a member of the Justice League of America. Of course none of the members of the Justice League of America have any idea what Waller wants them to do because she's a big liar, remember?

Waller should try telling the truth sometime. How effective is lying when everyone knows everything out of your mouth is a lie?

But now the readers know why the Justice League of America exists because of the ending of this comic book! Waller needs a team to defend her and one of her current projects from Darkseid since Waller knows he'll be back.

To rescue his daughter, Upside Down Horseshoe Girl!

My favorite part of this comic book was when it was revealed that inside the Detroit Branch of ARGUS, Amanda Waller has a shitload of metas in captivity because they refused to work with her. And it's not like she put people in cells who simply exhibited superpowers and didn't want to be a part of her League. These are metas that already have names and costumes! And I think a bunch of them are also some of those "creatures" that came from other dimensions. Like some captive from Qward. Or Pariah.

Why did Pariah appear? What great evil is going to befall the DCnU that he would be drawn to it? And then Amanda Waller captured him and put him in a tube, so now how is he going to lead everyone to the evil?!

There's also some guy with a sword by the name of Something-orman. And a woman Cyber-something. And some cereal mascot named Krakkle. And a hand pressed up against the glass of one cell that looks like Plasmus. And the last one that holds a captive waiting for her chance at a monthly title!

Geoff Johns next pet project.

Vibe #1 Rating: Like Threshold, I'll start Vibe off at 26 and let it rise or fall from here on out. So far, I liked it. I don't know how much I like the idea of the superhero Vibe but I thought Cisco was a decent enough character. I'm not sure why he's so unlikely though. He seems like any fair-minded, good-natured person that gets soaked in Boom Tube Juice and ends up with magical powers.