Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Superboy #30

Apparently this comic book has been so bad, DC has finally decided to go with no writer on it at all!

Actually, asshole, that caption was a joke. Actually me? I'll actually you! Go fuck your grandmum.

Sorry! Sorry! Jesus Christ, that's no way to begin a comic book review! Especially after I've decided, from here on out, to do normal comic book reviews that will rival the shitty comic book reviews being put out by places like Newsarama or Comic Vine. I'm going to get serious about a career as a comic book critic and begin kissing Marvel and DC's asses so that they'll use some of my blurbs on the advertisements for the trade paperbacks. I'm going to actually start mentioning the art in my reviews instead of just discussing the writing and my own bowel movements. Today is the first day of the rest of my life! Just like every other day except different somehow. I think it's more inspirational or something.

Here's my Professional Comic Book Review of Superboy #30 (even though I haven't read it yet. Does that matter?):

"Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be a superhero? Have you ever wondered what it would be like to shoot web out of your wrists and swing about the city? Have you ever thought about flying high up in the sky and writing articles for a major metropolitan newspaper? Have you ever thought, 'Gee! I sure would like to be Batman's best friend and wear tights!'? Have you ever gotten back from war only to have to see your family gunned down by bad guys and decided to go around shooting people in the face? I know I have! Not the war part, of course, since I'm only ten! But that's why Superboy is such a good book to read! Because it is about a boy (like me!) who is also super (like a superhero!)!

"This comic book is very exciting because Aquaman is killed on the very first page! That made me sad because Aquaman is a good guy and he talks to fish and I love fish a lot! It also made me confused because Superboy is not called Villainboy although I guess if you are a super-villain you could also take the name Superboy. But that seems disingenuous. Mrs. Traforsky helped me with that word! She said that would be a good word and it was better than the word I wanted to use which was 'stupid.' Then she left a book called a thesaurus on the desk by me and winked. I later told the principal and she was reprimanded. I was going to say 'yelled at' but remembered that I should use my thesaurus!"

Normally this scene would make me happy. But nothing Superboy does makes me happy.

"The art in this comic book is pretty good because Aaron Kuder is writing and not drawing! Although the art kind of looks a little bit like Jorge Jimenez Moreno (I wish I had three names!) is trying to ape (cinnamon for 'copy'!) R.B. Silva's style. But that doesn't make any sense because if you were an artist and you wanted to copy somebody else's style, you would probably not choose R.B. Silva's style to copy. If I were to explain R.B. Silva's style of art to an alien, I would show them a picture of me and say, 'This is one of his characters!' Then I would show him another picture of me with a wig on and say, 'This is a different one of his characters!' Then the alien would give me a spaceship and we would be friends.

"I should tell you the story of Superboy so you don't have to read it yourself. Once upon a time there was a boy that was born with a purpose so he already had a head start on most people that never find their own purpose. But he didn't like his purpose because it was to be a living weapon and he was all, 'Nuh unh! No way!' So he made some friends and traveled in time and then traveled in time some more and then forgot to travel in time this one time, so he died. But then he was replaced by a different Superboy from a different time because the reader of the story is supposed to believe that, across lots of timelines, the one the reader is being forced to focus on is the most important one of them all. I suppose that's true since the reader doesn't have any choice. The different Superboy is a bad boy and wants to kill everything. He also traveled through time a few times but he always remembered to travel in time so he never died. Now he is in New York and ready to kill Aquaman for realsies."

This is an accurate representation of a New Yorker.

"I ate a banana for breakfast and now I feel sick. I hope I don't have Monkey AIDS. Whenever kids in my school get sick, we always hope we don't have AIDS. My teacher, Mrs. Traforsky, says that we shouldn't say that because there was a time when AIDS almost wiped out everybody. But when we asked her how a person gets sick with AIDS, she wouldn't tell us. That's why we're always worried that we have it!

"The New Yorkers are afraid of Superboy because they think he might be as dangerous as Superman. I don't know why they are saying that because Superman is not dangerous at all. He is a nice guy and he saves people and their pets all of the time. I guess the people of New York don't know any better because they are also afraid of the police and the police are good guys too!

"At one point, Superboy gets a bloody nose and yells, 'Oh no! I'm dying of AIDS!' But then some guy called The Golden Surfer comes along and says, 'You shouldn't say that. I am an adult and I know better. You are probably not dying at all, so you should stop complaining and just get back to doing your homework.'"

The New 52 could really use the Newsboy Legion to save it!

"Superboy is captured by The Guardian! Will he be harmed by him? Will he be helped by him? What will happen? If you want to find out, you should pick up this book at your local library!"

"Umm. I'm back! I guess I didn't fulfill my page quota and was given my assignment back to fill a few more paragraphs. Umm. Superboy winds up getting medical treatment for his Time Travel AIDS because The Golden Guardian Surfer has a secret fort filled with people that are really good at curing things like Space AIDS and Time Travel AIDS and the flu."

Why is it that somebody always wants to fuck Superboy?

"The New Newsboy Legion now know all about Superboy. They know he isn't the regular Superboy. They know he's part human and part alien. They know he's having bad dreams. They know he's probably a time traveler. They know lots of stuff that scientists can figure out in a lab if they find you on the street with a nosebleed. The oldest New Newsboy Legion member, Harold, notices that Superboy's serotonin levels are out of whack. I looked that word up and it seems like if you do a lot of the love drug, your serotonin levels can get out of whack. But Harold believes that drugs are not the problem with Superboy because it's more likely time travel. That seems like a reasonable assumption! I bet Harold's kids used to come home all the time smelling like alcohol and sex parties. He'd be all, 'Where have you been, young people?' And they were all, 'Oh crapola! We've been, uh, time traveling, daddy!' And he'd be all, 'Well, I hope you didn't cause any temporal paradoxes! Now get some sleep.'"

And this is how Superboy discovered the meaning of friendship!

"Superboy begins to think that maybe he doesn't have to be a super villain if good people are going to constantly give him everything he needs anyway. So he decides to live with the New Newsboy Legion for awhile since they are providing free meals and free shelter and free medical. But he is still haunted by his past! If you think you would like to read a book about a bad guy that might stop being a bad guy and decide to become a replica of the good guy whose position he has taken over, you should read this comic book like I am doing! It is really exciting and filled with fun things like muscular guys without shirts and cute women drooling over them! It is possible that a future issue will reveal some of the mysteries of sex to the readers! Thanks for reading!"

Whoops! That was my Reading Rainbow Review and not my Professional Comic Book Review. Whatever. This was much better.

Superboy #30 Rating: +5 Ranking. Holy fuck! A well done Superboy comic book! I think I just shit my shorts. If you want to know the reason why this book was so much better than the other Superboy books, I can tell you! It's because I met Aaron Kuder and infused him with a bit of my local reality field. So he's a bit more real than everybody else in the universe.

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