Thursday, April 24, 2014

Batman Loves Superman #9

It's about fucking time this shit came out, DC Comics. Get your act together!

First Contact Part 4 came out a few weeks ago. I decided not to read the story out of order even though DC seemed to think it didn't fucking matter. But it mattered to me! I was discussing my childhood during the First Contact story arc and DC made me lose the momentum! In the last commentary, I detailed the award I earned in Kindergarten for picnicking like a motherfucker. I also had nine gold stars for some reason. Probably because I was super clever.

Now it's time to see what was happening during my first grade years!

Hmm. This is odd. Not much was happening during those years, I guess. I think my mother had already tired of paying attention to my accomplishments. The only thing that still exists from those years is a ribbon.

I guess that's all that needs to be said about me in first grade! "WIN"

I also remember my First Grade teacher, Miss Nelson, used to mind fuck us whenever we played Simon Says. Whenever she wanted to end the game, she'd say, "Simon says jump up!" And everybody would jump up. Then she'd say, "Simon didn't say to come down!" She's lucky she wasn't found in the bushes behind the school with dozens of pairs of safety scissors sticking out of her body.

I also learned "Frère Jacques" in Miss Nelson's class. Of course we sang the "Where is Thumbkin?" version. I blame learning that song for my current social skills.

I thought it was spelled Gamorra but then when do I ever remember the names of anything ever?

Superman and The Huntress have arrived on New Gamorra to stop Kaizen Gamorra Jr from completing whatever evil task he's up to. Power Girl and Batman have already infiltrated Kaizen Gamorra Jr's inner sanctum although Batman more successfully than Power Girl who has been captured by him. By Kaizen Gamorra Jr! Not Batman!

One day ago, Superman put in an order with Toymaster for something delivered to New Gamorra Island. I don't know how Superman knew he was going to be there a day later to receive the shipment but who am I to ask stupid questions about plot inconsistencies? I'm sure it will be explained later. Maybe Superman got a phone call from Madame Xanadu and she told him the world would end if he didn't place that order. That's plausible!

Why was this comic book delayed? Jae Lee didn't even have to draw any backgrounds in any of these panels!

Now it's spelled Gamorra. Fuck you, DC! You know, I'd forgive these kinds of errors if you weren't making so many bigger errors as well.

Since it's been so fucking long since I read the last issue of First Contact, I'll redact my comment about Madame Xanadu. It's possible that a day has passed since Superman took Power Girl's nanites and everyone arrived on Gamorra Island. Not probable! But possible.

Kaizen Gamorra Jr is trying to open a portal to Earth 2 for some reason. Because he can? I think that's the only reason most evil geniuses need. Although he really kind of needs a good reason for doing it. He's already created an army of half-Kryptonian warriors. What more does he need for any plan he wants to undertake on New Earth?

Some stuff happens where Superman and Batman remember the first story arc of Batman Loves Superman even though they shouldn't. We knew Greg Pak would eventually have to reference it again, right? He can't just let one of his stories not mean anything simply because none of the characters involved in it remember it! And then more stuff happens that lead to Kaizen Gamorra Jr opening the portal to Earth 2 while Superman and The Huntress fetch their special delivery package from Toymaster.

This is what Superman ordered from Toymaster. Super Kabuki Space Armor.

The main problem with the armor is that it retains a communication link with Hiro the Toymaster. That fucking prick is annoying.

Everybody fails to stop the portal from opening. Superman fails. The Huntress fails. Batman fails. Power Girl fails. Everybody fails! Leaving an open portal to Earth 2 for The Huntress and Power Girl to climb into and go home. Or maybe for Flip the Fuck Out Superman to climb into and destroy another world. One of those things!

Batman Loves Superman #9 Rating: -5 Ranking. It wasn't worth the wait! Plus I had to wait for it! I hate waiting! Plus it's making me use up all of my exclamation points! Sure, Jae Lee's art is nice and stylish and crazy all at the same time! But can he ever draw anything in the background besides crazy trees?

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