Stormwatch #30

Who are these people?

Stormwatch in the Magenta Timeline ended between Issue #29 and Issue #30. After Jenny Soul decided she didn't want a gigantic, all-powerful suppository shoved up her hoo-hole, the team sat around trying to figure out what to do next. That's when Lobo returned to the Universe's Pilot Light which was no longer guarded by the Crayola Timelords because they'd been written out of existence. Lobo lit his cigar with it and then promptly blew it out. Everything ceased to exist. Even Jim Starlin.

So now we're back in The New 52! Although we're all a bit more cynical now, aren't we? Because we've experienced a story outside of the 52 Universes that are said to exist in The New 52. We now know there's more to it than DC has been letting on. Could it be, we think, catching our breath and touching our genitals tenderly, that The New 52 is simply a smaller part of an...this thought comes upon us, almost unthinkable...infinite amount of universes?!

Not like that thought is really anything new. Most of the New 52 titles take place on New Earth but there are enough New Earth stories dealing with alternate timelines and alternate realities that the idea of 52 coherent universes doesn't even fucking matter. Rebooting their characters from time to time seems like a fine idea if you want to keep origins and the history of characters modern and timely. But trying to limit your universe so you can somehow keep tight control of the continuity of it? Forget it, DC. Stop fucking trying. Just let the writers write and let the fanboys point out how Green Lantern never could have been in three places at once last month. Who the fuck cares? As long as all three Green Lantern stories rock my bunghole, I'm fine with dyscontinuity! That's a combination of the words "dysfunctional," "continuity," and "incontinence."

Oh. So they're aware of their brief stint inside Jim Starlin's brain? That's too bad. I bet they dream of Warworld for weeks.

I had to check the rating on the front of the issue before I make my next prediction. The Rating is Teen+, so my next guess is that Apollo will mention how much bigger Midnighter's penis was in that other universe, so it wasn't all bad.

Even though Stormwatch has returned from Jim Starlin's brain-space, it hasn't been returned in the same condition it was loaned out. Stormwatch Headquarters is now called The Carrier and they're once again using Door Technology. Their computer banks even slyly reference The Authority, probably because they live in The Bleed and exist everywhere and nowhere all at the same time. Like cats.

That sounds like a sly allusion to the myth that gay guys will fuck anything! That's obviously a myth since they don't fuck vaginas.

I don't even know if that's a myth! I just made it up because I think Apollo really does want to double team this alien's head with Midnighter. He did say something about mounting it in the bedroom! Also, my friend Kenny, who is gay and thus represents all gay men, once told me a story about how he received oral sex from a stranger while walking through the park. That's almost like fucking an alien in the head!

The next panel which I'd failed to read before making all of my insensitive comments has Apollo mentioning that he brings back these trophies for research purposes. Now he can find out important things like how nice his penis feels inside of it and how it reacts to his super powered sun semen.

Oh! I also wanted to say that I really liked The Engineer's Hal Jordan comment. That was a nice touch there, Mr. Sterling. It probably also helps place the return of Stormwatch back into the New 52 timeline. But I don't follow that stuff very closely so it doesn't matter to me. I just hope Midnighter battles Dex-Starr this issue!

Currently Jack Hawksmoor is on sabbatical because he's lucky enough to have a job that offers sabbaticals. And Jenny Quantum is off trying to kiss a boy. He's kind of a depressed boy so I'm hoping he's the boy that now houses Etrigan the Demon. Her date is not going very well. Probably because he's full of inner torment and demon penises.

No you won't! You abandon your lovely street burrito as soon as you get the call to return to The Carrier! Dumb dumb!

As Jenny Quantum arrives in Los Angeles to battle a huge City Hall Gobot (it's obviously a Gobot as opposed to a Transformer since it still basically looks like a building when it turns into a robot), she describes Stormwatch and all its members. She even gives a little history because this book has been needing some kind of coherent explanation of the group that the readership can digest. Too bad it's happening in the last issue!

Stormwatch is currently on the run from Planetary The Shadow Cabinet, a group of three mysterious figures (plus the lost Fourth Man (so you know, nothing at all like Planetary!)), that were trying to control them. But Stormwatch didn't like being controlled, so they gave notice and disappeared into The Bleed. And now they're practically ready for a new series! A good series! A series written by Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea! No, wait. That series would suck because the team would constantly be fighting gigantic alien genitalia trying to use Earth as a toilet.

During the Battle Against L.A., The Engineer rehires The Projectionist to help keep Stormwatch a secret. But she doesn't rehire Martian Manhunter, so they can't erase people's memories, just people's video evidence. They'll just have to live with being a seemingly Urban Legend rather than complete unknowns.

The team eventually finds Jack Hawsmoor hugging some alien technology that's turning the city into monsters. Midnighter is knocked unconscious by the technology's defenses, so now it's all up to Jenny Quantum.

Her love of ponies?

Also, Jenny Quantum is going to be might surprised when she finds she has one more year to live than she realizes. Also, everybody has been lying to her and she's actually only thirteen.

Jenny claims "emotional blackmail" is the greatest weapon a fourteen thirteen year old girl has at her disposal. I don't know if that's exactly what she uses here since it seems like she mostly just uses the very real fact that she loves and cares for and relies on Hawksmoor and the other members of Stormwatch to break the alien technology's hold over Jack. Maybe she doesn't actually like any of them and she only cries crocodile tears. It's possible she's just using them all to gain more power which means more freedom so she can ditch their old asses. I think that might constitute emotional blackmail.

Stormwatch doesn't discover that the alien technology they just destroyed was put there by The Shadow Cabinet trying to trap them. Also, Adam One seems to now be a member of the Shadow Cabinet. So he's the Fourth Man although the panel with the Shadow Cabinet only shows three men. That means Jakita must be in the bathroom at the moment.

After Jenny Quantum uses door to return to her date, kiss the boy, and break up, a fleet of alien ships come out of The Bleed saying in their alien Runespeak Old Portugese [sic} language, "Finally, after all this time, we've found it...EARTH." But that's about as far as their invasion goes before Stormwatch finally, after thirty issues, begins acting like fucking Stormwatch!

Stormwatch is finally here! The end.

Stormwatch #30 Rating: I'm not changing the ranking at which I've already retired this comic book. But this issue is a good sign for a future return of Stormwatch. The team felt right here. The team was doing what they're supposed to do. And they fucking were getting along with each other. I don't mind if they squabble or get pissy with each other; heck, I demand that! But enough with issue after issue of physical violence between team members. I guess that's an old complaint though. I think the Fake Stormwatch got along okay in their alternate reality. But all the characters sucked in that reality, so I wouldn't have cared if they wound up punching each other in the face over there. Anyway, thanks for letting them go out on a good issue, Mr. Sterling.

I know it's Mr. Gates! I just like saying Mr. Sterling!