Batman: The Dark Knight #29

Seventy-five years ago, bats were the scariest thing in the world.

For those readers that don't know who Batman is, I went on Wikipedia and did a little research. It turns out he's just a normal human man with no super powers at all! His parents were killed when he was a little boy, so he sat around his house for years while his butler did everything for him. He pouted and cried a little bit and had fantasies about getting revenge on all criminals everywhere. But how would he go about doing that? How do you scare the violent and the lawless?! Then a bat flew through his window and he screamed his head off and shat himself and covered his head because if he had learned only two things in 1939, it was to duck and cover if a nuclear bomb hit, and to cover and jump around if a bat flew in the window. No wait. Maybe he didn't learn about bombs yet. I think he was just learning about Nazis and the American way of dealing with Nazis at the time was to go shopping and shrug your shoulders and say, "Enh. That's not my problem!" After he remembered he didn't know what a nuclear bomb was, he said, "Aha! Alfred! Come change me! I have an idea!" And that idea was to become a bat because the only thing scarier than a bat is a grown ass man in a bat costume!

At least that was true in 1939 America. If American Bruce Wayne had to become the scariest thing he could think of today, a faceless man with chainsaws for arms and tentacles flailing about from the back of his head would have to crash through his window. The man would probably have goat legs as well and a choir of prepubescent children would be chanting as if from every corner of the room. And the man would have to be a demon ghost brought into the world through blasphemy and dealings with the Christian Devil. That would probably scare audiences pretty good today. But just imagine what Batman of Japan would become?! Instead of Batman, he'd be Walks Stiffly and Awkwardly Young Pale Girl With Stringy Hair and Solid Black Eyes Lurking In The Corner Of The Room Or Is She? Man. That might be too scary for the local police to get behind. If they had to shine that Signal into the sky to get his attention, everybody in the city would go insane.

Now that you know Batman's history, let me tell you about Man-Bat's history. I don't know it and I'm not going to bother looking it up because my guess about his origin is probably fairly accurate. Somebody thought, "If a man in a bat costume is super scary to criminals, what about a man that is a bat that is not in costume!?" And then that somebody thought, "Shit! I should have said that at the head of a conference table in a meeting with lots of DC Executives!" But that somebody was only six because what a stupid idea, right? Just because DC decided to run with it doesn't make the idea not stupid! Besides, if you look at lots of ideas from last century, you'll see people didn't really know what they were doing. So a lot of people made a mistake and created a character that has stuck around for decades because it's a monster version of Batman even though Batman is quite the monster himself. I think when Man-Bat was invented, Batman wasn't quite a monster yet. I think Frank Miller's The Dark Knight Returns was actually supposed to be about Man-Bat but somebody fucked up the name when the issue went to print.

Now you're all smarted up and ready to enjoy Batman: The Dark Knight featuring Man-Bat the Knight Dark!

Last issue ended with a tension filled cliffhanger! Batman had just been thrown off of a building by Daddy-Man-Bat! OH NO! He is surely dead because one of the things Batman can't do is fly. You would think he would have made that an essential part of his costume, right? It's like somebody choosing the name of a bird, say a canary, and not being able to fly. What the fuck is up with that?! Also, I've never heard a canary sing and had my head blow up. So that's a pretty stupid name to choose. If I were Black Canary, I would have chosen the name Weaponized Voice Woman. But this isn't that crappy comic book Birds of Prey, so I should probably get back to how Batman is going to fall to his death. If only he had a thing on his utility belt that could grapple stuff and was also bat themed?!

You drama king! As if you haven't saved your life this way a dozenty zillion times!

Later back at the Batcave, Alfred teases Batman. That butler is getting way too familiar! The last thing Batman needs is the help getting uppity and thinking he can say anything he wants to him. I don't know how he hasn't gotten fired yet. He also was supposed to be watching Batman's son a while back and he failed to do that which resulted in Batman's son dying. And he still has a job! He must have some sketchy information on Bruce Wayne in a locker down at the Greyhound terminal ready to be released if he ever mysteriously disappears or winds up dead.

Batman learns that the Gotham Police need evidence to arrest rich white people, so he goes to have a conversation with Daddy-Man-Bat's human alias, Abe Langstrom.

Is Batman's secret identity Tom Joad?

Abe Langstrom flaunts his Man-Battedness in Batman's face during the discussion. It's as if he believes Batman is bound by the same laws that bind and control and manipulate and oppress the rest of us. It's as if he doesn't realize that he's a murderer talking to a crazy guy in a cape that really, really hates murderers. It's like he doesn't even care if he winds up in a coma tonight! For some reason, Batman just decides to act threatening. I think he doesn't kick the crap out of Abe for the same reason leaders of countries agree not to send ninja assassins after each other. Because it sets a bad precedent that can only wind up backfiring all over your face, bukake style. You know, if the penises were guns and the semens were bullets. Bruce Wayne doesn't want large costumed men coming into his office thinking they can do whatever the hell they want to him just because he's raping the resources of the city and oppressing a large section of the Gotham populace with his thousands of minimum wage jobs he's providing that they had better thank him for.

Does that apology come with a paycheck? Dick.

So Batman makes the choice to wear a getup which keeps him from entering a building normally and that's supposed to be a good enough excuse for crashing through windows and skylights and weak-ass Gotham City walls? Kirk is too polite to say this, Batman, so I will: fuck your mother.

Later that night, Daddy-Man-Bat hits the street looking for a quick homeless meal. But Batman knows where he's going to be because he's the World's Greatest Detective. That was pointed out earlier in that scan I did where Abe mocked Batman about being an awesome detective while Batman had already proven he was an awesome detective. Maybe that's why Batman didn't punch him in the face. Because Batman was smirking so hard under the cowl at the compliment that was meant to be an insult but really was a compliment on accident.

So Batman gets in his homeless man costume. It's one of his favorites which is why anybody that's been reading Batman for the last 75 years instantly recognizes him. Batman's plan is to be Daddy-Man-Bat's next victim. It's not because Batman has given up! Batman has injected himself with the serum to cure Man-Bat-itis. So when Man-Bat drinks Batman's blood, Man-bat becomes Just-a-Man. Then Batman can see him transform back into Abe and yell, "Aha! Evidence! Now Gordon can arrest you!" And Abe will say, "Whatever! I'm going to hire those lawyers that allowed the incestual rapist billionaire to go free! And there's nothing you can do to stop me because Harvey Dent is dead!"

Batman nearly dies from blood loss. He probably should have used a stronger serum. Or just placed packets of the serum on his chest between his outer armor and five layers of inner armor. Except that would be too smart and might possibly not work. What if Daddy-Man-Bat could tell he wasn't sucking directly out of Batman's innards?! It's not like Batman has technology at his disposal that could fake up something like that in a few hours. I suppose the main reason Batman wanted to almost die is because Batman wants to not really live. But Batman doesn't know that consciously! That would make him realize just how insane he actually is.

"This is Gotham PD. We have an old man tied up at a homeless shelter. Seems he was attacked by the Batman. Send paramedics so we can get this poor guy some help."

Later in a court of law, Justice is bent over and raped in the ass. Just another average day in the life of our legal system. And another average day in the life of a narcissistic asshole with loads of money as he freely walks away from his horrible crimes.

Batman: The Dark Knight #29 Rating: +1 Ranking. I almost gave this a +2 Ranking for portraying Corporate CEOs more accurately than they're normally portrayed. But then I remembered Man-Bat was in this issue, and I couldn't give it more than a +1.