Earth 2 #22

Is this the part where one of the Parademons says, "Who wants to live forever anyway?" And then Flash Lantern spends ten minutes crashing a rocket ship into Ming the Merciless while a timer counts down from two and a half minutes?

I saw Flash Gordon in the theater when I was a kid and it was one of the greatest movies I'd ever seen in my life. Star Wars didn't have some guys eyeball pop out of his skull as he had a spike rammed through it! Obviously eight year old me was wrong. Or he was gay and had just discovered camp. Not summer camp which is also good for lots of unexpected gay stuff to happen; camp as in Xena or drag shows! Watching it later in life, it's obvious what's wrong with the movie. Everybody is playing it at the wrong speed! You need to ratchet up that entire movie until Gordon's Countdown until Earth is Destroyed at the end ticks down in real time. I don't know how you'd fit in or understand all of the dialogue. That's technical shit that can be fixed in post since they didn't fix it in post the first time and instead slowed the movie down to fit the speaking roles.

It's also possible that Queen did the music for the movie first, filling the songs with really long, drawn out synth solos which the director had to time the action to.

This issue begins at the moment that Flip the Fuck Out Superman nearly killed Queen Lantern. Since Alan Scott hasn't been around for a few issues, I guess we need to catch up on how not dead he's been.

Oh, excuse me. I guess I meant the opposite of that.

So Alan Scott actually has been dead for the last few issues. But his ring decides it would rather heal him than find a new bearer of the ring like a lazy New Earth ring would have done. New Earth Green Lantern rings can't heal death (unless Simon Baz is wearing it) but Alan Scott has a unique Green Lantern ring that's tied to the Earth and not to some cosmic fascist police corps. So the ring heals him but forgets to make him some clothes so readers get the pleasure of seeing are forced to stare at his naked ass.

Meanwhile, Flip the Fuck Out Superman throws Sloan around a bit for hiding information about another Kryptonian. While he slaps him around a bit, his suit tears, showing a bit of tattoo underneath. It probably says "Fair" on that arm and "Balanced" on the other. Sloan doesn't tell Flip the Fuck Out Superman anything because Bedlam already read his mind. He points out that the other Kryptonian has been kidnapped by a fool in a bat costume.

That's not the real Superman! The real Superman would never admit that Batman was a genuine threat.

Tornado Lane is busy helping Val-El get over his fears (his actual name is Val-Zod but fuck if I'm calling anybody by their actual name in this comic. It's Earth 2! They're all phonies!). She and Replacement Batman probably think curing him of his agoraphobia will be the greatest hurdle in getting him ready to battle Superman. But Tornado Lane learns he's also a pacifist. Fucking hell. This is the most useless Superman Substitute ever!

During the flying lessons, Hawkcop joins them just in time to battle Flip the Fuck Out Superman's parademon army. Flip the Fuck Out Superman decides to go straight for the kill, tackling Val-El into the ground. He's prepared to rip Val's face off when Tornado Lane approaches and reveals the entire reason her consciousness was shoved into this robot in the first place. She let's Clark know that she's Lois. And that her robot vagina is fantastic.

He's imagining how it swirls and sucks right about now.

Earth 2 #22 Rating: +2 Ranking. Not a whole lot is happening in this issue. But even with so many characters and stories to maintain, I'm glad Tom Taylor is not rushing the story. Earth 2 needs a greater share of The New 52 books because one book a month for an entire world with so many characters taking part just is not enough. Take the way this issue seemed like it was going to get Queen Lantern back in the action but we really just learned that Alan died and was reborn. He didn't even get his clothes back yet. Jay Garrick didn't even make an appearance! Which I'm glad for because I don't know what to call him. I also ignored Dr. Fate coming back because I don't know what to call him either. Suggestions are appreciated if you don't mind me making fun of them or saying that I had already thought of them when I steal your suggestion and claim it as my own.