Aquaman and the Others #1

You know a comic book is going to flop when the word "OTHERS" is the most exciting thing about the title.

I don't actually think this comic book is going to flop! Although if Dan Jurgens does to this super group what he did to Justice League International, I'm not even sure why I'm wasting my time. I don't think that team ever had a single success under their belts! It may have looked like it once or twice but I'm pretty sure they only came out on top by a fluke or a severe misstep by their enemy.

I began a long standing tradition last commentary (Detective Flash Comics) where I predict certain beats that will be taking place during the issue. Actually, I've been doing that since I began this blog. But I formally began the tradition last commentary. And recognizing traditions with formality and rigid structure is always the best way to celebrate and live life to the fullest. Always follow the rules, says the people that are always happy. Or always look happy. Right up until they hang themselves with their necktie.

I don't think I know The Others well enough to predict the things they're going to do. Aquaman will reluctantly decide to lead this team. The young girl whose name I forget (Angry Brow?) will question his on-land-credentials because she's young and sassy. Ya'wara will attempt a Boob/Butt Showcase and kiss her kitty. iAgent will complain about his arthritis. And Mr. Butterfaceman will feel embarrassed when he's caught talking to himself but is actually talking to his dead war buddies. They're probably going to battle some corporation that's polluting some waterway. Or maybe a government. The Others seems like the type of group that is going to battle governments since the Justice League is too pussy to butt into situations like that.

The issue begins thousands of years ago because in the DC Universe, every other time is far more interesting than the present. The present is too hampered by current continuity while the future and past are less set in stone. Yes, even the past is not set in stone in the DC Universe because editors don't have time to remember every event that happened in the past and how it might change the present. Just look at Stormwatch which killed Adam One at the beginning of time and didn't affect anything at all.

If that even happened. I don't remember! Ever since Jim Starlin took over, I've really only been giving it half my attention, mostly writing about how Mongul (and his Warworld) was Starlin's magnum opus and he can't get past it.

Atlan, Banished King of Atlantis, steals ten magical bars of gold from The Alchemist! The bars of gold grant some kind of power or something. Probably Philosopher Stone types of powers. You know the kind. Longevity. Enlightenment. Sexual Prowess. After he takes the gold bars, the comic returns to the present. The issue is called "Legacy of Gold" and it's the first of five parts. I suppose the main plot is going to be a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World race around the world hunting down the gold bars. The Others will be trying to stop some other agency, perhaps Intergang, perhaps The Scavenger's Team SCUBAD (Self-Congratulatory Underwater Bad Ass Divers), from finding the Gold Bars and building a world-dominating weather machine. They got the idea from watching G.I. Joe after school as kids.

He's not embarrassed but he's chatting away like a madman. So close enough! My initial guess as to what would come of his talking to his ghost buddies was predicated on the idea that Jurgens wasn't going to treat this comic book seriously. Although why I thought that when Justice League International was such a huge downer, I don't know. This whole "America broken" speech already fits the depressing mood of JLI!

After that encounter, I realize I'm an idiot. Because I can't stop the phrase "Aquaman sucks" from ringing in my head, I missed the fact that Aquaman and The Others all use golden relics with magic powers. And they were all treasures of the old king of Atlantis. That doesn't mean some greedy, power hungry group (as we see in the first few pages) isn't going to still try to get the gold. They definitely are and that's why Mr. Butterfaceman is attacked. But his Manacles of Shackling have lost their power to create shockwaves. I bet it has to do with The Alchemist coming back and he's built a secret international covert group of assassins across many centuries to secure his gold bars.

Mr. Butterfaceman wounds two of the four assassins which causes them to fail their Morale Check. They run off with one yelling, "Stay alert in the future because we will be back for that gold!" Then another one says, "Shut your stupid mouth, Charlie!"

Meanwhile in Brazil, Ya'wara is desperately trying to shit in peace.

If that scabbard on her left thigh had been placed a little further back, it would look like her dookie.

Ya'wara is busy battling poachers and desperately attempting a Boob/Butt Showcase. She comes closest with a nearly naked ass and some side boob but the judges aren't happy with it. So she murders the judges. And the poachers. And everybody else in the area that might have caught a glimpse of her eliminating her bowels.

Secondary to the near nudity, Ya'wara learns that her Teleport Orb no longer works. And her monkey is fucking shocked.

Seriously flabbergasted.

Angry Brows whose name is actually Sky (I should probably also start calling Mr. Butterfaceman "Prisoner of War" except I like Mr. Butterfaceman too much) is also attacked by the assassins trying to steal the relics. They yell, "We don't want to damage the Seal of Clarity!" as they attack her, so you'd think she just learned what they want. But when she traps them in the Ghost Lands and tells them she wants answers, they say, "We want the artifacts. All of them." And then she goes, "Oh no! I have to warn The Others!" and lets the assassins go. You'd think while she had them at her mercy, she would have opted to get a few specific details.

The next vignette is about iAgent whose name is actually The Operative. No wonder I couldn't remember his name. If he's The Operative, why does he have a stupid "I" on his head?! This question may have been answered in a past comic book but I didn't retain the information because all of my brain synapses were taken up by the internal chant of "Aquaman Sucks."

The Operative almost loses The Key to those assassin guys in red but Aquaman appears to save the day because The Operative was lucky enough to be on a boat. Aquaman and The Operative decide to get the team together to protect their treasures. I think the only reason these guys ever get together is to protect their own shit or their own lives. Or hunt down Black Manta. Have they ever gone on a mission to protect innocent lives or save the world? I guess I have to wait for more flashback issues which I'm sure will be coming.

Meanwhile in Trezygstan, The Alchemist speaks to his ancestor through a magic pool. They have some plan to get the relics back because they once belonged to their family. So the bad guy here has a connection to the past. Sky with the Clarity Seal has a connection to the past in that she can visit the Ghost Lands to speak with her ancestors. Aquaman has a connection to the past through his ancestor that betrayed Atlan the King of Atlantis (which is kind of the thing that started this whole mess). The Operative is the past because he's an old guy. Also his grandson might wind up taking his job and dating Sky. I don't know how Ya'wara is connected to the past but I'm sure it will come up when she begins being more forthright with Aquaman.

And then Aquaman and The Others are blown out of the sky! Because that's where they have group meetings. In the sky. In The Operative's plane which he calls The Living Room. Because he's paranoid and only feels safe living on the move at extreme speeds and extreme heights.

And then Kahina's sister goes crazy seeing a future with robots destroying mankind. Oh no. She's not crazy! That was just the advertisement for Future's End! I saw it too.

Aquaman and the Others #1 Rating: I'll debut this comic at Rank #33 of 52 (almost 52? There sure are a lot of empty slots!) because I really don't care about any of the characters right now.