Harley Quinn #5

There's that spork again. Does Amanda have a bet to see how many issues in a row she can put a spork on the cover?

Last night, I dreamt some people were talking about King Diamond. One of them asked, "Do you remember when King Diamond changed up his face make-up to look like the King of Diamonds had gone fishing?"

Here is my five minute sketch of what that might have looked like. If King Diamond's make-up artist was fucking shit.

The group then went on to discuss a cartoon that King Diamond was on in the late seventies and early eighties. It featured a bunch of rock stars who were also detectives. And some of them had super powers. One guy asked if they remembered that episode that was just fifteen minutes of King Diamond hiding in a closet. The screen was mostly dark except for one strip of light coming through the crack of the door and illuminating half of Diamond's face. It was unclear what he was hiding from or who he was eavesdropping on as the entire dialogue of the episode was composed of inaudible mumbles.

That sounds like it would have been one of my favorite cartoons! I wonder who the other members of the Super Rock Star Detective Agency would have been? I'm sure Ozzy Osbourne would have been a member. Oh shit! He's probably the inaudible mumbler from the King Diamond Trapped in a Closet episode! Alice Cooper would have been good too. Maybe throw in Robert Palmer and Geddy Lee although they'd always be complaining about the other guys and their make-up. I think Phil Collins could have been the butler of Super Rock Star Detective Agency Headquarters. I'm fairly certain all of their super powers would be rocking people into submission and brainwashing kids into loving Satan. The show would have probably aired opposite whatever cartoon KISS was starring in at the time.

Getting back to Harley Quinn, she's decided to start her own Super Rock Star Detective Agency! Except minus the rock stars and possibly the detecting. Her agency is more about solving old people's problems without investigating whether the problems are real or imagined. It should be a lot of fun!

But first Harley attends a burlesque show that makes the Andrew Sisters and Danny Kaye song, "Civilization," seem sensitive. During the show, Harley proves her inability to tell fact from fiction or to even care that reality might be something that exists outside of her own perceptions. A lot of people on the internet could learn that lesson!

That's what more strip clubs need! A goatboy selling rotten tomatoes to throw at the dancers! Where's the harm in that?

Later, Harley reads about the targets Syborg gave her. They're a bunch of Russian Operatives and Spies, so the files must be on the up and up. Syborg wouldn't mislead Harley when the fate of America hung in the balance fifty years ago! Now it's time for those communist bastards to pay for the crimes they almost committed years ago and probably don't even remember any more. But if there's even just one patriot left that remembers the horrors that these Russian Operatives could possibly have committed in the name of the Cold War, justice must be justified!

I bet comas are so relaxing.

Harley and Syborg manage to kill the guy in the coma but it was a close battle. Afterward, they head for victim number two. At least the second target, Ivana Brekemoff puts up a fight and blows everybody to hell when they trespass on her property. Whether they survive or not is a matter for next issue though.

Harley Quinn #5 Rating: No change. Harley is currently just along for the ride, so I can't actually be very excited about this issue. It's mostly a Syborg issue with Harley being called Yiddish names the entire time. I hope when all is said and done, we discover that Sy Borg was actually just a hallucination and Harley Quinn has been going around killing the clients she's supposed to be counseling to lighten her work load.