Justice League United #0

Here's hoping this title can find its own voice before it's yanked into a bunch of DC crossovers where it plays second fiddle to the crossover's plot, loses all semblance of its own identity, and crashes in a burning, flaming, toxic heap of suck. You know, like what DC did to Justice League of America.

Judging by this cover, it looks like Justice League America is simply going to keep a few members while it acknowledges that it isn't the only nation on the North American landmass. It's going to begin representing Canada as well. But fuck Mexico. Can you imagine anybody reading this comic book if a brown person were on the cover?!

Although that woman that looks like a refugee from the Legion of Super-heroes might be tinted a bit brown. Or else she's slightly pinker! It's hard to tell. I guess J'onn is green, so that's diversity, right? Except have you noticed that when he disguises himself as a human, it's usually a Caucasian? Probably because he doesn't want to be hassled by the cops when he's in disguise.

This issue's story is called "Justice League Canada" and it's part one of a five part story. So it seems like Justice League United will be about Justice Leagues all over the world? Each time a new one is spotlighted, we'll get a new little flag image in the "D" of United? That seems like a pretty good idea. And starting with Canada, it eases people into the idea since most of the members of a Canadian Justice League will be Americans and/or aliens and/or hockey players.

This issue introduces Adam Strange for the first time to The New 52, and his wife Alanna. I mean his girlfriend! No way is DC going to allow two members of Team Canada to be married, right? For some reason, Green Arrow was still wanted and Supergirl is not a Red Lantern. Also, everybody is alive, so I guess Forever Evil ended on a happy note.

The issue also begins three days in the future and millions of light years away from Earth. You know what that means, right? Time to flash back to the present!

Why the fuck did this series begin with Issue Zero?! Especially since it's Part One of Five? Stupid!

Adam Strange barges to the front of the line because he thinks he's more important than adults in brightly colored tights. He has "real" business. It involves his grad student, Alanna, disappearing. What appears, though, is Alanna is a grad student of his! Hey, Adam, have you maybe thought about keeping your Professor dick out of your student vaginas? No matter how much it seems "love" is blossoming, you're actually exploiting a student's feelings of respect and infatuation with a trusted, authority (and let's not leave out father) figure. Not that I know anything is currently going on! But knowing Preboot history, I have my suspicions!

Dr. Adam Strange found an oddly shaped skull (which Stargirl immediately judges as "gross" because she can't help judging everyfuckingbody by their looks) and a device that he knows nothing about. So a device that he probably shouldn't have brought with him to a convention full of people! Also a device that probably shouldn't have gotten through security unless it had been under the arm of an attendee in a Tank Girl cosplay. The device, of course, turns out to be dangerous. Or at least unpredictable.

The Sleestak cosplay is the best cosplay ever.

Animal Man and Stargirl decide they'd make the best Brave and Bold or World's Finest team up ever, so they decide to help out Adam Strange. They travel to the archaeological dig where Alanna disappeared. That's when Animal Man decides, with a person missing, to make fun of the Canadian's accent. Perhaps that's part of an Arctic Fox's abilities. Or inabilities! The inability to refrain from smart-ass comments.

That isn't sweet at all! It's a breach of trust! It's an abuse of the teacher/student relationship!

Meanwhile over on Moose Factory Island (possibly the best name of anywhere ever), the woman that looks like an outcast from the Legion of Super-heroes battles a creature called the Whitago. Maybe that's the Moose Cree First Nation equivalent of the Wendigo! Also, this woman, Miiyahbin, is Moose Cree First Nation! So she isn't pinkerer on the cover at all. She really did have more of a Korugarian hue than a Native American, so you can understand my confusion. Or you can't! Whatever!

While Keewahtin (or whatever her super hero name will end up being if she's more like Apache Chief and less like Shazam) realizes she just hallucinated the Whitago (or had a vision or something), Animal Man, Stargirl, and Adam Strange are attacked by aliens speaking gibberish. They're saved by Green Arrow and Martian Manhunter, as unlikely as Green Arrow saving anybody sounds.

Buddy Baker and I have things in common.

Green Arrow says mean things about Animal Man which I personally take offense to. Why do people have to be so mean sometimes?! If you can't say something nice about a character I like then don't say anything at all, you stupid bow-wielding useless piece of shit scumbag bastard fuckfaced fuck.

After Buddy proves he's too civilized to respond to Green Arrow's comments, the super heroes discover aliens beneath the surface. They're planning bad things! I think according to the beginning of this comic, they plan on birthing a destroyer of worlds! Isn't that always the way? That's why I'm guessing it! Because it's always the way!

The villain behind it all: BYTH!

According to the Ancient Parchment of Who's Who, Byth was once the greatest thief on the planet Thanagar. Which is probably why he's stationed on the Thanagarian moon of Thalsalla. He also has the ability to transform into any creature he's ever seen with access to all of the creature's abilities. Does that mean he'll be a good match-up for Animal Man?

Alanna has been captured by Byth and placed in a cell with dozens of other captives. Byth sends his main man to dispose of the captives. That main man is actually the Twat Main Man, Twat Lobo. And before he can kill all of the prisoners, he'll have to kill the biggest prisoner of them all!

Twat Hawkman.

Justice League United #0 Rating: I think I'll rate this one a little higher than better than half the other DC titles. It's still a bit early to tell but I like the make up of the group so far. Buddy Baker is a bit of a joker but mostly a nice guy that might be slightly naive. Perfect for Team Canada! Green Arrow is an arrogant young stud that continues to think, for some reason, his bow and arrows are an efficient weapon against super villains. Stargirl is inexperienced but willing to give everything to help those in need. She is a bit superficial though. Martian Manhunter is the steady voice, the experience leader. He's perfect to keep this young group under control without being grim and overbearing. I don't know enough about Mii. It's possible she's a new incarnation of an older character but I don't recognize her. Maybe she's Whitago! And Adam Strange is an interesting character to bring into the mix. I can't say I was ever truly excited to see him team up with Superman but they always wound up having exciting adventures in space. So with him on the team (and judging how this book began), I'm hoping Justice League Canada winds up fighting across space more often than across tundra.