Sunday, April 27, 2014

Larfleeze #10

How did Dan DiDio lose control of his comic book company?! He would never have approved of G'nort being a part of The New 52!

I think Giffen and DeMatteis got DiDio on a technicality. I'm sure DiDio was all, "No fucking way is that joke going to return to my super serious universe where no hero ever gets to be fucking happy ever! Not until I'm fucking happy, you assholes! So forget it! G'nort will not appear! Not even in your silly piece of shit funny book you've been putting out behind my back!" And then Giffen was all, "Actually, Geoff Johns already had G'nort appear in his super special swollen sized issue of Green Lantern about a year ago." And DiDio was all, "GODDAMMIT! I can never say no to that man! If only he could never say no to me!" And then he ran weeping back into his office and Giffen and DeMatteis high-fived each other like two drunken male sports fans watching a foosball goal while their wives satisfy their own sexual needs with toys and professionally published fan fiction.

I think sometimes my similes go a little further than they actually need to.

Currently in Larfleeze, everybody wants Stargrave the Butler for themselves. Larfleeze does not want anybody to have Stargrave the Butler but himself. That takes care of the conflict! I suppose the resolution is going to involve a lot of fighting and lot of panels of Stargrave saying sarcastic and annoying bullshit.

Get ready for twenty pages of panels like this!

Dyrge takes Stargrave to the Planet of the Sad Robots where her brothers and sisters have gathered. They all want to see Larfleeze dead which is why they needed Stargrave as bait. The Wanderer is the only sibling that wants Larfleeze alive because she'd rather not fuck a dead space dog on her honeymoon. She wants Stargrave as a dowry for the wedding. She wants to marry Larfleeze because she's mentally ill and needs to marry a male that can beat her ass. It's a whole satirical take on Red Sonja's character. The old Red Sonja's character and not the current Red Sonja's character! I'm sure the first part of Red Sonja's previous incarnation that Gail Simone flushed down the toilet was the thing where she'd only marry a man that could best her in combat.

The good thing about the House of Tuath-Dan gathering on the Planet of Sad Robots is G'nort is on his way there right now! Good old G'nort! He'll make this comic book funny if he has to pull his dick out!

See? You thought I was joking! I'm fairly certain when he says "ringy ding" he means "penis." He might mean asshole but it would be just as funny if he pulled that out too!

Larfleeze arrives on the Planet of Sad Robots but doesn't fall into the trap set for him because G'nort is bothering everybody. The Wanderer has arrived with Larfleeze and finally gets her message across to him that she is going to be his wife. You'd think that a person telling Larfleeze that they belong to him would go over gangbusters because Larfleeze loves to own things. But instead, he's a bit ruffled by the declaration.

Cooties are just more things you can own, Larfleeze!

The issue ends with even G'nort needing to get his paws on Stargrave because the Sad Robots point out that the butler might know a way to stop Larfleeze. So I think I jumped the gun when I said everybody was after Stargrave at the beginning of the comic. NOW everybody is after Stargrave.

Why would that have mattered? Fuck high school! That place is full of assholes!

Larfleeze #10 Rating: -3 Ranking. When Larfleeze began as a back-up feature in Threshold, I mentioned that I wanted a full length comic book of Larfleeze almost immediately. But I also mentioned that was probably a bad idea because what was fun and whimsical for eight or less pages was probably not going to translate well to a full twenty page comic book. I think I was correct. Shit is not really going anywhere and it just keeps recycling the same jokes over and over. The characters are one dimensional. And the plot goes nowhere, as you can see from my declaration before the thing even begins that everybody wants Stargrave and then the comic book ends with the revelation that everyone wants Stargrave. Even G'nort can't save this comic book! Technically, G'nort can't save anything which is why the Guardians always used to send him on bullshit missions. So maybe that's why he was sent to "save" this comic book! Because it can't be saved!

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