Saturday, April 12, 2014

Action Comics #30

The military may as well be flushing their money straight down the toilet. Wait, what do I mean their money?! That's our money! I don't remember paying a Kill Superman Tax! Those bastards.

Superman has flown off to kick The Tower in the teeth, point his finger right in their faces, and firmly say, "No! Bad Tower." Then the comic book will end and whatever the fuck "DOOMED" is will begin preluding. Does it have anything to do with Doomsday?!

Oh look! The Prelude is already beginning on Page One because The Tower is behind it!

What's black and white and red all over? Doomsday and/or Lobo killing penguins in Antarctica. I'm actually surprised that the creative team got the location correct since DC seems to have a tough time understanding the difference between the Arctic Circle and Antarctica. And since they've got the polar bears in the shot, I'm guessing Doomsday truly is in the Arctic Circle.

Now I see why Lobdell kept dropping hints about The Tower but not giving any details at all! Because The Tower is a covert government agency that, for some reason, knows about The Phantom Zone and Doomsday and has been working to free him. And all of this is supposed to take place in DC's newest fucking crossover, Doomed! Which means meetings were held to talk through the story and how it would affect the various Superman titles. So Lobdell knew about The Tower and Doomed and decided to put some really shitty foreshadowing about it in his Superman comic. But I think the main reason Lobdell foreshadowed this shit was to fill some pages with stuff he didn't have to come up with himself. And most of those pages were simply General Lane saying things like "I will find out what The Tower is!" because the story was probably still being workshopped he didn't have any details to use.

The Tower notices Doomsday acting strangely and conclude, "This may not be the same old Doomsday after all." Has DC straightened out the history between Doomsday and Superman yet? My guess is Superman was seemingly killed by Doomsday but really in a coma or whatever happened back in the nineties. Then Superman returned, threw Doomsday in The Phantom Zone, held a press conference to let everybody know exactly where Doomsday was so they'd feel safe, and then mostly forgot all about him. I suppose the Doomed storyline will straighten it all out.

I guess that was the Prologue part. Now the part where Superman kicks The Tower in the teeth.

And then you put them in The Phantom Zone without a trial?

Superman claims Harrow sent her soldiers to try to kill Wonder Woman. When did that happen? Is he counting when Wonder Woman was shot by the battleship and then fought Doomsday in Superman Loves Wonder Woman? Was that The Tower's first attempt to bring forth Doomsday but he didn't quite make it through? I thought that was something Zod was doing to weaken the barrier between Earth and the Phantom Zone? Jesus Christ! Is DC mixing up their stories or am I not keeping them straight?! What's the use of keeping this blog if I can't remember everything that's happened? And what if I am remembering everything that happened correctly? That would mean that DC is trying to make me think I'm crazy! I think Charles Soule wrote what he wrote and then DC Editorial decided to take that piece of his story and fold it into this story like making the crust of a Vomit Pie.

Oh wait! The next page explains why I feel like I'm going nuts whenever DC tries to connect stories between different titles! It's because Superman and Harrow are talking about events that took place in Superman Loves Wonder Woman #7 which came out a week after this comic book hit the shelves! Oh DC! You have no idea what you're doing! I currently have two issues of Worlds' Finest that I can't read until April 23rd when Batman Loves Superman #9 comes out!

Harrow is trying to point out how dangerous Superman can be while Superman thinks he's keeping everybody safe. And mostly she's wrong and he's right because she's just twisting reality to make him look like he's a problem. But then she mentions how he killed Doctor Light with his heat vision and then said, "It's not my fault! IT'S NOT MY FAULT!" But it totally was his fault. I already discussed this in The Phantom Stranger #18 so I won't rehash it here. Except to say this: Harrow fucking has a point. Until Superman finds a way to keep himself from being controlled by other people, he's nothing but a weapon lying in the middle of a crowded school ground waiting to be utilized by the biggest asshole. So get some mystic help with your mind-control susceptibility, you dick.

And since Superman has too much power that can be used to hurt the people of Earth, Harrow uses her too much power to wisely kill Superman.

There might be a racist flaw in her argument.

I think Harrow's argument comes down to this: she has lots of power to raise the dead but it's okay because she's from Earth. Superman having lots of power is not okay because he's not from Earth. So even if she's mind-controlled and forced to kill everybody on Earth with her dead soldiers, that's okay because at least she's not a scumbag alien from Krapton.

Superman is almost defeated by a ghost elephant. Shit, when was the last time that almost happened to him? 1952?

Superman lets the ghosts beat him up so he can do that thing I predicted he was going to do in the very first sentence of this commentary:

"...point his finger right in their faces..."

The dead turn on Harrow because they're not xenophobic scrotal mites. They understand that just because someone was born on Earth it doesn't make them better than a scumbag alien born on Krapton.

"Scumbag" is one of my favorite sandbag words ever. It gets used all the time by people that don't realize it means condom. And generally it just feels like it means used condom. So whenever I hear it on television, I just picture a used condom leaking jizz. Is there a more vulgar term being used by the masses without the masses giving a shit about it? I suppose twerp is a good one if Vonnegut is to be believed and it actually means a person who bites their own fart bubbles in the bathtub. Although he gave another definition for it which may or may not be cruder, depending on if you enjoy sticking false teeth in your ass.

Harrow has to release the dead when they turn on her and then she gives up. Controlling non-racist dead people to do racist things just taxed her beyond her abilities. With no fight left, she waits for Superman to kill her. But he's a super twerp and pusses out.

So why doesn't she just kill herself if she's so dangerous?

Because Harrow and her ghosts couldn't stop Doomsday, The Tower decides they need to wake Doomsday from his rest in the Mariana Trench which I suppose he swam into after escaping into Arctic waters. But that story is going to take place in Superman Loves Wonder Woman #7. So this story takes place between the first half and the second half of Superman Loves Wonder Woman #7? Okay. Fine. You win, DC. I'll read your stupid books in whatever order you want me to since I can't fucking win.

Action Comics #30 Rating: No change. Yet another book where Superman is told he's dangerous! But he's dangerous the way we're all dangerous! At any moment, we have the ability to kill any other person in our community. While driving, it's like we have Superman's heat vision. If somebody cut our brakes, we might plow through a Farmer's Market. Or while walking through the neighborhood after dark with some matches and a can of gasoline, someone can say, "Hey! Can you burn down that house for me?" Then we'd be all, "Okay!" I walk around fantasizing about choking the shit out of everybody that looks at me funny! And I might do it if somebody dared me! That would be the equivalent of Atomica punching a sliver of Kryptonite into Superman's brain. I can't not choke someone if I've been dared! There are rules!

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