Batman Eternal #3

I was wrong in my last commentary. Even from week to week, I can't remember what the fuck is going on in the comics I read without the help of my Memory Blog.

The big reveal last week was that Carmine Falcone was the horrible, terrible, villainous enemy that Batman will be going up against in Batman Eternal. I think Batman is going to have a tough time of it because in the Modern Age of Comic Books, Batman must always have a tough time defending Gotham City. That means lots of people die and lots of property gets destroyed and Batman himself almost dies once or twice, but don't worry! If you're one of the citizens lucky enough to survive the kerfuffle, Batman will look like a hero! Eventually! So batten down the hatches and lock those cellar doors for the next few months! You'll be surviving on canned peaches, cat food, and rain water, but at least you'll be surviving! Maybe. Just, you know, masturbate a lot and try not to think about the chaos. Story arcs always, eventually, end and Batman is, usually, triumphant.

Okay, maybe that doesn't sound plausible, but you live in Gotham City, you jerk! Everybody is a lunatic criminal! Your dad is probably a lunatic criminal! Oh! You're probably a lunatic criminal!

Stephanie surprises her dad and his friends as they're sitting around the kitchen doing some LARPing. Her father is Cluemaster (okay, okay. Judging by all the ruined underwear from Stephanie Brown's reappearance in The New 52, y'all already knew that) but his friends don't look anything like Multi-Man or Clock King or Major Disaster or Big Sir! Although Big Sir could be the person that knocks Stephanie in the back of the head!

Cluemaster's new Injustice League looks to be made up of Signalman, Firebug (or Firefly or whatever the fuck stupid name he took up), and Riot Gear Dude. Clock King is busy in Seattle hanging out with Diggle and Fyff and Naomi. I don't think the other Injustice League members have reappeared in The New 52.

The best news coming out of Gordon being thrown in prison for premeditated train derailment is that Maggie Sawyer is next in line for Commissioner. She practically already has the job seeing as how Gordon is sitting in jail telling everybody that the evidence points to him and he fired the gun and he's a big time criminal dickhead. If Maggie gets the job of Commissioner, she can just have her ex-husband arrested for some other train derailment frame job so she can retain custody of her kid! Batwoman can probably help get that accomplished.

Meanwhile, Batman is doing the jerkiest detective work ever.

I like when he says, "Enough." Is he talking to himself? "Whoa, whoa! Hold back, Bats! One piece of furniture smashed with The Penguin's face is probably enough to get him to talk." Or was he telling Cobblepot that one offer of oysters was all he was going to tolerate?

Batman asks The Penguin if he's working with Carmine Falcone. Over the sound of The Penguin shitting his pants, Cobblepot answers, "No." Then Batman leaves through the door which is a rare circumstance! Of course, Batman kicked in the fucking door when he arrived.

Maggie's promotion might be in trouble because she's an honest cop. Mayor Hady and Carmine Falcone are sick of having honest cops in charge, so they're looking at Jack Forbes for the job. Jack Forbes is an asshole which is why he's perfect to serve under Mayor Hady who is a cunt.

Batman continues to do shoddy detective work back at the Batcave as Alfred stands over his shoulder second guessing every theory he comes up with. Luckily the bat computer points out an opportunity to break jaws has just come up on the West Side of Gotham. Batman jumps up from his chair, hiding his erection with his cape, and races off to the Batmobile.

Back at Cluemaster's house, the mysterious boss that knocked out Stephanie is not revealed. If comic books allowed the reader to hear the sound of the person's voice, I'd at least be able to rule out Catwoman as the boss! But since I can't hear the sound of the boss's voice, I can't even rule out Selina! But it would make sense that she's getting a group together to stop Carmine Falcone since she reacted so strongly to hearing he was back in Gotham City. Also, since she winds up ruling the Gotham Underground or something in Batman Eternal #0, better known as Detective Comics #FuckYou,DCFans. Also, Stephanie gets away. I don't think it's her skill that lets her get away so much as the fact that none of Cluemaster's Injustice League really have the stones for killing a teenaged girl.

Batman, being an amazing detective (world's greatest even), discovered Falcone's plan one full page ago.

I'm glad The Penguin names his mini-crime syndicate bosses because I constantly forget their names. Or simply haven't remembered their names since they were first introduced way back in Detective Comics.

As Falcone goes to war with The Penguin, Batman is left to try to clean up the mess on his own because Commissioner Jack Forbes has decided the Gotham Police Department's Number One Priority is to take down The Batman. Good thing just because he orders it, it doesn't mean it's going to get done.

Apparently the Injustice League is just as dumb as when they first appeared. They continued to discuss their plans with Stephanie in the room and then failed to keep her from leaving.

Batman Eternal #3 Rating: No change. It's Batman against impossible odds! Again! The major difference is it's in a weekly format! Hooray?