Friday, April 4, 2014

The Flash #29

Crap. Prepare for another reboot!

Last issue ended with Singh caught holding the pickaxe that was just used to murder half of Central City's Finest. Well, maybe not the city's finest seeing as how they were all desk jockeys, probably benched for fucking up crime scenes. Which is probably what Singh just did by picking up the murder weapon! The Flash probably won't be too angry because he'll be too busy covering up the crime.

Tell it to the jury, sicko!

The Flash does some sleuthing even though he's just a crime scene investigator. He discovers that The Keystone Killer (or the Broome Hill Butcher (or the Central City Slayer?)) has gone off to possess Captain Frye, Barry's real father! I mean, his surrogate father! But it's his surrogate father that might be his real father and may also be the murderer of his mother! No, that was probably somebody else. Perhaps it was Barry when he time traveled! That's why nobody wants to tell him how his mom died because it's the strangest fucking story they've ever heard and none of them want to believe Barry somehow killed his own mom.

It was probably just a time travel accident. Those happen all the time.

But do you have time to compare your DNA to Frye's? It'll just take two panels!

Barry rushes off to scour Frye's office to find a clue as to where Frye may have gone. While he super speed searches the office, he also checks the computer. Come on! I don't have super speed and I'm constantly sighing heavily and rolling my eyes over how long my computer takes to do even the simplest task! Barry must go out of his mind using a laptop!

Maybe he just turned it on and searched the room while it booted. And before he can get back to checking it out, he finds an old file on The Keystone Killer which includes paternity results for Barry Allen! The Keystone Killer is Barry's dad?

Captain Frye means to kill himself after he's possessed by The Keystone Killer. But The Flash stupidly ends that plan by stealing Frye's grenades. Then Deadman crashes a house in the park and hits the Keystone Killer with a vase. Then a juggling bear comes out on a unicycle which is totally the best part. Although Deadman singing an Alice Cooper song from Zipper Catches Skin almost beats the bear.

"...sweety." If anybody is going to a Con anytime soon where Agustin Padilla will be appearing, can you get him to draw a juggling bear on a unicycle in this issue and send it to me? Thanks!

The Flash and Deadman improvise a plan that winds up imprisoning The Keystone Killer inside a juggling bear inside a room inside the House of Mystery. Then Deadman flies off in the House waving from the doorway. "Goodbye! Goodbye! I had a fabulous time!" And now that that mess is wrapped up, The Flash can find out who his real father is!

And it's not Captain Frye! It was all a subterfuge of lying lies that needed to exist so the ghost could be outsmarted if it ever returned! You can never be too careful with ghosts. I hope everybody is already preparing for the day it escapes the House of Mystery. If it wants to escape. It actually looked pretty happy trapped in its room with other ghosts to play with. But that isn't the end to all the lies! Captain Frye and Barry's dad have one more!

I knew it! Barry killed his mother in a freak time traveling accident! Except it wasn't an accident, was it? Barry had to kill her to prevent the Flashpoint World! He just doesn't remember doing it anymore. Or he has yet to remember doing it. Or he doesn't yet remember having done it soon?

The Flash #29 Rating: No change. I would have enjoyed it more if it really had a juggling bear on a unicycle.

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