Justice League 3000 #5

Did Firestorm take the death of two volunteers to resurrect?

As I type this, it is one hour away from my comic book store opening on New Comic Book Wednesday. The only other comic books left in my stack to read are two issues of Worlds' Finest which I'm saving to read until Batman Loves Superman #9 comes out. If you don't know why, I won't bore you with another of DC's major fuck ups.

This issue begins slightly differently than last issue ended. Don't worry, it's all explained by the characters.

I have a better explanation. Firestorm gets his powers from the Slash Fiction Matrix. So when he was first resurrected, he was immediately confronted with Barry Allen's tight, naked ass. He was very excited to enter the fight with naked Barry. But then Firestorm jizzed in his pants and the desire to kiss and cuddle Barry left him immediately and now he just wants to watch some television.

The cover of this issue still says Howard Porter but by the end of the first page, I found myself thinking, "Did Howard Porter have a stroke?" Don't worry, Howard Porter fans! This issue simply has a couple of guest artists: Raymund Bermudez and Wayne Faucher. They draw Terry and Teri horribly. I hope they try harder when they draw my sweetheart Locus!

Last issue I figured Batman would request to never be resurrected if he happened to die since it would cost another volunteer their life. This issue, Barry makes that request first! But not for any ethical or philosophical reasons. No, he just doesn't want to hear The Wonder Twins argue with each other anymore.

Meanwhile on Monkey Prison Planet Earth, the JL3k Gang and their Scientist Mother are busy running from every inmate on the planet. The Convert (who is probably Aquaman 3000!) has possessed them all. Now they want to do that stereotypical thing that inmates love to do to fresh fish. That thing that people like to make jokes about but it isn't funny at all. You know what I'm talking about! Shake hands and welcome them to hell!

Don't forget he probably also has vestiges of the personality that inhabited the body before it was injected in the ass with Batman's DNA. Oh wait! That's what inmates like to do to Fresh Fish!

In another part of Earth That Was, Superman and Wonder Woman are fighting with the Goddess Kali. She asks Wonder Woman to join The Five and take over the universe because Kali is horrible at math. Wonder Woman refuses because she thinks the Hindu Pantheon is beneath her. Maybe. Okay fine. I just made that up. She actually acts offended for the Hindu Gods that this person took the name Kali. Lay off, Wonder Woman. You don't have to be offended for other people just to seem righteous and intelligent.

The battle with Kali takes a back seat to Superman and Wonder Woman flirting. Unless it isn't flirting at all. It could be sexual harassment. But I wouldn't know since I usually just crack jokes at the bad eighties hair and clothing instead of paying attention to the corporate message whenever I've been sexually forced to watch a Sexual Harassment Video by Human Resources.

The Five have a huge tactical problem. The Convert controls people to use for his own devices. But Kali sucks the life force out of people to use for her own devices. So sending these two to battle side by side kind of forces one of them out of the action, doesn't it? I think they need to bring in a sixth with a degree in Tacticsology.

Even old New New York was once New York. Why they changed it, I think I can say. Because apes took over the planet and destroyed it and made it into a prison planet because they liked it better that way!

The JL3k Gang are almost defeated but The Flash arrives in the nick of time to save them all! You would think because he has super speed that he would have arrived before the nick of time.

Firestorm has also arrived which horrifies Ariel Masters, the brain behind the Justice League Resurrection Program at Cadmus, because he gets his powers from the Slash Fiction Matrix and this comic book is only Teen Rated. So either he's going to be powerless because his main power uses penis on ass action, or he's going to have to wait to save the day until next issue when DC can raise this comic's rating level to XXX Triple Mature Gay Action.

With Firestorm giving her a breather, Wonder Woman has time to come up with a new plan to defeat Kali: The Fastball Special! But before she can worry DC's lawyers, The Flash pulls her and Superman out of the fight. He's brought a method of retreat with him and the JL3k Gang have decided that they've had enough. Plus they should probably turn their attention to rescuing Green Lantern from my sweet Locus.

Firestorm decides to stay behind which is probably a good thing as Ariel explains to the JL3k Gang.

But they don't want to leave behind such a sexy, powerful weapon. I hope he explodes all over their faces.

Stupid Flash does as he's told right before we almost get a decent example of the Slash Fiction Matrix at work!

Then Flash ruins it all by kidnapping him! Jerko!

Barry saves Kali's life only to find that they can't escape the planet because their Transversal (their means of exit) has been possessed by Coeval. So now they're all back to square the beginning square. But at least The Flash and Firestorm are by their sides. And Locus never appeared so her perky cuteness couldn't be ruined by Beermudez and Faucher. I'm not criticizing their art so much as I'm saying Howard Porter knows what he's doing when it comes to drawing adorable. So maybe I am criticizing their art a bit.

Justice League 3000 #5 Rating: No change. This issue had lots of fighting and more fighting with some jokes and other jokes. It also showed Superman 3000 acting a bit human. They all seem to be concerned about the way they were brought back to life. So even though Barry has returned with evidence that the JL3k Gang keep their memories right up to the point they're killed, none of them are going to want to be killed since it would mean the death of another innocent if they were to be brought back to life. I like that they have a means to be resurrected but it is by no means an easy decision. They have to weigh the cost between killing a volunteer for the cause and how many people can be saved by the sacrifice. Perhaps whenever the initial action dies down, they'll be able to sit around a table and discuss the ethics of the situation with Teri and Terry.

And that's it! 10:55 AM! I caught up! I can relax for five whole minutes! Which is probably the amount of time it'll take to upload the scans and fix up the directories. Damn it!