Birds of Prey #30

Another great cover. They remind me of the beautiful covers on I, Vampire back when DC was intelligent and brave enough to not have cancelled I, Vampire.

Before giving Christy Marx the writing assignment on Birds of Prey, I wish DC would have done what they're doing with Teen Titans. They should have cancelled it and given the audience a couple of months to forget how badly Swierczynski fucked it up before restarting it again with Marx and her fresh ideas at the helm. Her first year on this book was mostly spent picking lint and dog hair off of her Birds of Prey sweater. That's an analogy that may or may not work because I fucking hate analogies. At least, I hate when people use analogies in a debate. When you can't make an argument for your position on a subject without pretending the subject is something completely different, maybe you should realize you can't really defend your position. But I do like analogies for the story of a thing! And I don't mean allegories because that's a completely separate rant that involves a long discussion on how fucking stupid Jesus's disciples were.

Here's an analogy on drinking alcohol!

Drinking alcohol is like hiking. I enjoy hiking with a friend or two, meandering and getting lost in conversation. Often you hike a bit, eventually find your way back to the trail head, and then go home to take a nap. But sometimes you get so involved in conversation or the enjoyment of simply hiking for hiking's sake, that you realize you've gone too far and have become lost. When you get lost in the woods, everybody knows you're best bet is to stop hiking! Stay put and eventually everything will be okay. But who wants to stay put? You've hiked this far, you can probably hike your way out of it! So you keep going and you get more and more lost and eventually you're in a pitch black forest being mauled by a bear. At least it feels like you've been mauled by a bear when you wake up the next morning in the alley behind the bar. I mean, face down in the creek. That's how I like to hike anyway! I see a lot of people like to hike by screaming, "WOOOOO! Let's get crazy!", flailing their arms in the air and sprinting straight off the path and into the dense, dark foliage. Those people eventually wind up in twelve step programs because of their love of hiking.

I wonder why Reese's Pieces decided they were going to differentiate themselves from M&Ms by using the worst candy colors? They're like eating a pile of dead Autumn leaves filled with peanut butter. That might be an analogy too! Unless it's a metaphor! Okay, fuck you. It's a simile. Get off my back.

Before I begin reading Birds of Prey, let me take a look at my notes on things to write about in my commentaries. There's currently just one note: "Batgirl + Neopets." Whoops! I forgot to write about Neopets when I read Batgirl. I was recently reminded of Neopets because they sent out an email about some great Negg Hunt they were doing for Easter. Why do they do that? Can't they see I haven't logged on for years? Don't they know how bad I'm going to feel when I get that email and realize my Neopets are bored, lonely, and starving? I had three Neopets. I wonder if I can remember my log in and post a screen shot of them?

Aww! Hymenator is over eleven years old! And he's spent most of that time raising himself! I feel like an asshole now!

They've made it ten years with nobody bitching about their names, so I'm trusting nobody will report my poor pets! They shouldn't be put to death because I named them poorly!

They probably should be taken away from me because I never feed them though.

Now I'm probably going to spend a few hours fucking around on Neopets instead of reading Birds of Prey! Be back in a few hours!

Okay, I'm back. One hour of Neopets every year or so is probably enough.

Boo! Hiss! Vomit!

I really wouldn't be surprised if DC Comics decided to give Condor his own monthly title. That's how little faith I have left in this company! That's not true! I have no faith in the company because I don't believe in faith. Faith is what you have when you want the world to magically agree with your desires even though there is no particular reason the cosmos gives a shit about how much you want Bobby to stick his tongue in your navel. What I should say is that all the evidence behind DC's publishing decisions since the Reboot have lead me to believe that they would think a Condor monthly comic book would be a great idea and a huge hit with the kids. Maybe Geoff Johns will pull another Vibe. "I consider it a personal challenge to make a great comic book about one of the shittiest characters to ever appear in DC Comics in recent years! I'll write it for the first three issues because I know it'll have decent numbers as people check it out to see if it's worth it. They trust my magical writing ability to remember old characters and present them in new ways, even if those new ways really don't make any fucking sense. Then around the fourth or fifth issue, I'll hand the title off to some chump like Sterling Gates so I can blame him when the Condor title eventually fails. Because, seriously, he's as interesting as Vibe!"

I should note that Sterling Gates actually did a really good job with that wet paper sack Vibe. I was sorry to see that series end so quickly.

Currently Batgirl and Strix are fighting an army of assassins all by themselves. Don't you love the word, "assassins"? Who thought that word was appropriate to stick in our language? Two iterations of the word "ass" one after the other? Genius!

I guess Batgirl and Strix have help from Mother Eve's army but they're just regular soldiers and we all know that a squadron of normal soldiers is worth less than three batarangs. That's the standard exchange rate in Gotham City. And I won't mention Condor again. He's busy guarding his rear and I think that's enough said on the topic.

The first six pages of this issue is all explication. So Batgirl reminds us what she and Mother Eve and Ra's al Ghul were up to and then Black Canary reminds us what she was up to and finally Condor reminds us what he was up to. Six pages explaining to the reader what they had previously read just last month. It's not like last issue was so complicated! If DC is going to waste this many pages reminding me what was happening in previous issues, I think there's no more need for this blog! Especially since Christy Marx makes sure they all explain precisely what was happening and my blog kind of goes off on tangents and skips plot points and, quite often, just plain lies about what was actually happening. It's a wonder I remember anything at all.

Condor's big plan was to let Ra's al Ghul's ninjas kill Kurt since Kurt was all brain dead and useless and shit anyway. But then he realizes, at the last second, that Black Canary will never be able to love him if she can lay the blame for Kurt's death at his feet. Which she really should. Because Condor is an asshole.

Anyway, Condor saves Kurt for some stupid reason.

Do I sense a love triangle beginning?!

Batgirl's only job is to stop Ra's al Ghul from getting inside the ship and she fails. But since she still has ninjas to battle, she continues to brainlessly beat them up. If she knows Ra's has slipped inside, why doesn't she go after him? It's not like she's actually keeping the ninjas from accomplishing anything. In fact, the only thing they were meant to accomplish was distract the Birds of Prey so Ra's could get on board! I thought you were smart, Batgirl.

Shockingly, Black Canary does not betray her friends when Ra's offers her his cruddy, leftover bath water. Ra's is just as shocked as I'm pretending to be.

No? Who are you then? It's not like thirty issues of this comic book have helped any of the readers learn who you are. I've learned more about Black Canary by sending Gail Simone insulting messages on Tumblr than from this comic book!

Ra's doesn't have time to fight a second string mortal, so he leaves Black Canary to fight his First, NIGHTLORD! I think Nightlord's real name is Hawkwind and he can only be defeated by an old bearded man carrying a lantern.

Don't worry if you have no idea what the fuck I'm going on about. I often have no idea either.

In a surprise twist, Black Canary also doesn't have time for fighting second string mortals (even if she is one as well)! She leaves Nightlord to battle Strix and heads back to punch Ra's al Ghul in the throat for being a huge dick.

In a surprise, surprise twist of twisty twists, Nightlord doesn't have time for fighting third string immortals!

Nightlord was right about not having any time to battle Strix. Mostly because Strix ends his life almost immediately.

Not really! She actually slices him up enough so that it seems like he should be dead but he falls over the side of the ship and into the water. And if a body isn't found and buried (and often, even when it is!), you can't simply assume the person has been killed. Also, Batgirl would be mad at Strix if she killed Nightlord. Bad Strix! BAD! That's how Batgirl talks to Strix because Batgirl is insensitive to Strix's inability to speak and use computer tablets, so Batgirl treats her like a dog.

Back inside the ship, Black Canary screams at Ra's al Ghul and defeats him. Lessons are learned for those that are prone to learning lessons. I'm not because I'm super wise and already know all lessons. Like leaping before you look and that other one about the scorpion that everyone was surprised acted like a scorpion, especially the frog. Maybe some other profound things too that I learned from philosophers like Teddy Ruxpin and John Lennon. Anyway, everybody lived happily ever after! Except hopefully Kurt and Condor. Unless they live happily ever after together and leave the Birds of Prey alone. That would be an ideal ending!

Birds of Prey #30 Rating: No change. Still far too much Condor. I think I broke a tooth grinding my teeth while reading his stupid dialogue. Christy Marx will be my favorite comic book writer of all time if she'd suck it up and just kill him already!