Red Hood and the Outlaws #30

I bet this encounter ends with Frankenstein saying, "Guys! If you wanted a ship, all you had to do was ask!"

Last night, I decided to listen to Coast to Coast AM for the first time in months. After about twenty seconds, I looked at the car radio and yelled, "Oh eat my shit!" I'll try again in another few months!

The "Oh eat my shit!" was entirely spontaneous but fitting considering my blog's name, Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea.

Go ahead. Say it out loud. Slower. Or Faster. Whatever.

Hey?! Did you hear the one about the conservative everyman that was a hero to Fox News that eventually outed himself as a racist? No, a different one! Not that one. The other one! No, not him! No. No. Nope. Not that guy. Not him either. Yeah! That rancher Clive Bundy! What a surprise twist, right? And I meant the opposite of surprise twist!

I told my assistant Pickle Boy that I wished the guy was on Twitter so that he'd self-destruct even faster. Pickle Boy told me I should try my hand at making a fake Twitter account for him, so I tried composing a few.

CowHero69: "Wathced a cow poo today. Negros? More like Ne-Don'ts! Amicorrect?"
CowHero69: "If them negros had such a problem keeping up with the cotton gin, why didn't they invent a cotton gin for picking cotton?! Lazy, that's why!"

And then Suey Park kicked me in the balls. Rightly so, I think! That racism was coming out of me way too easy! I think part of my brain might be an asshole! Not as big an asshole as that Clive Bundy though! If you haven't read his actual statements, you should ask Lord Google to show them to you. His statement was so outrageous that I'm beginning to believe he was satirizing some other jerk! And doing a better job of it than I did satirizing him!

Okay, enough with me trying to satirize Clive Bundy simply so I can come up with racist jokes like a gigantic racist (even though I can probably think up some really funny ones about Mexicans too! And those other immigrants! You know, the drunk ones? The Irish!). I should get back to the non-controversial stuff like half-naked women fighting enslaved corpses brought back to life against their will.

Last issue, Roy Harper was accidentally kidnapped by space aliens. They didn't want him. They just wanted the ship he was in and he was strapped in a car seat in the back. So now the aliens are going to be charged with kidnapping as well as grand theft auto! That adds about one or two life sentences to the crime! Idiots!

What's worse is that the ship Roy was in was the Outlaws' ship. So now Jason and Kori need to find a ship before they can rescue him. Good thing Jason Todd has his ear to the ground! Whew! I'm glad I didn't say that ear to the ground thing about Roy Harper because that might have come off as racist and insensitive. I guess I could have explained that I was satirizing the owner of the Atlanta Braves.

Radiation doesn't hurt Jason Todd because he's just a reanimated corpse.

That little bald guy is security for the place. He's made up of lots of guns and his main reason for living is to kill trespassers. If he had his own comic book written by Scott Lobdell, it would begin: "My name is Karl. I'm in I.T. I was created by an organization called The Blackhawks and designed to be a living weapon. Unless I was created by SHADE. One of those."

Starfire takes care of Karl with one starbolt and that's that. I mean, it's not really that since Karl isn't actually destroyed. He's still operational enough to hang on to the Slip-Ship that Todd and And'r steal from the Blackhawks. This ship will enable them to infiltrate SHADE's Ant Farm, the microscopic secret headquarters of SHADE that you can't keep secret from Jason Todd! Because he knows how to use the internet!

I bet Karl winds up accidentally helping Jay and Kor steal the real ship the Outlaws need to save Roy Harper.

Speaking of Roy Harper, he's busy battling shape-shifting aliens that can't be killed by tiny thermonuclear explosions. But they don't seem to do as well against electricity. It must fry their shape-shifting cells.

I guess it's more important to act blasé instead of screaming, "SAVE US SAVE US SAVE US NOW MOTHERFUCKER!"

Starfire doesn't save them because Jason Todd doesn't mind dying in an explosion of an experimental Blackhawks ship that probably uses a nuclear fuel source. He does survive because this is a comic book! You can't kill the main character simply because you couldn't think of a logical way to save his ass!

I think that's it. I think that's exactly it.

Kori and Jason are confronted by a bunch of SHADE's "humanids" which, Jason kindly explains, are "sort of clones. Not human. Not real. Not alive." That's his justification to kill them. Like he or Kori needs a reason to kill anybody! Besides, he's just showing his ignorance. I'm fairly certain that at least one of these humanids had achieved some kind of sentience way back in Frankenstein's monthly comic book. It could be they're all sentient but I don't know for sure. But even if just one of them is alive in the way Jason Todd is picking and choosing the specifications for what it means to be alive, can Todd really take the chance of ending that poor soul's life? Sure, he's ended lots of other poor souls' lives without hesitation. But that was the old Jason Todd! That was the Jason Todd that didn't lose his memory and then gain his memory back and then decide he wanted to be a better person or something! Well, Jason Todd, if you really want to be a better person, be a better person. Don't go around making racist comments and masturbating on puppies.

I just took two random examples of ways to be better, so don't read anything into that last sentence.

Frankenstein shows up but Kori blasts him and that's the end of the fight. Although it's the end of the fight in the same way that they ended the fight with Karl. That means Jason and Kori have a problem with finishing fights. Kori just blasts everything and when she and Jason are blinded by her light and can't see any enemies, they high-five and proclaim victory. So they wander off to find the ship they need and begin prepping it for flight. That's when Frank comes back to attack! And then, remember that part I said where Karl will accidentally help them steal the ship? That part happens too!

Writing is easy! Especially when Writers choose to write cliches!

I probably shouldn't be sassing Pfeifer's plot! I'll be super sad and will miss him terribly when I'm reading the shit-covered pages of Scott Lobdell's "writing." The sort of lightness and levity that Pfeifer is bringing to this comic is a good sign that his version of The Teen Titans may actually be enjoyable.

Jason Todd is finally able to contact Roy Harper because they must have the most amazing cell phone plan in the history of cell phone plans (a history that began in The Time of the Romans!). Jay explains to Ro (that's his nickname and not a typo, judgmental dick faced internet users!) that they'll be there soon to pick him up. So Roy hangs up and then is blasted by the person that hired the aliens to steal the ship. All I've seen of that person so far is a boot and even though that person hasn't said "Sorry Not Sorry" yet, I think it might be Twat Lobo! Unless it's the real Lobo having returned from The Magenta Timeline! That would be better than Twat Lobo! I also think it could be Blackfire except she's busy in a story arc that I've been told is never going to finish up in Superman.

The Next Blurb should actually read, "Next: Lobo Cleans Human Organ Stains Out of His Pants."

Red Hood and the Outlaws #30 Rating: +1 Ranking. The last two issues of Red Hood haven't had any standout, amazing, I can't put this thing down writing. But Pfeifer is hitting the right note on this comic and that's way more fucking important than trying to make this thing a literary tour de force. The last two issues have been the best issues of this comic book. Tynion's issues were well executed and I loved how he cleaned up all the bullshit that Lobdell had scattered around the floor. But, and it could be because all that amnesia and Unnamed shit was still being resolved, I just wasn't enjoying it very much. I'm looking forward to a more light-hearted Teen Titans. Enough with the X-men teen drama angst poorly written bullshit. I'm going to get enough of that in this comic book when Lobdell returns! Ugh. Fuckin' kill me now.