Batwing #30

Who knows for how long?! I didn't think this comic would make it to issue thirty!

Last issue, Batwing found himself in the stupidest place in the DC Universe: The Gotham Underground. It's stupid because it's way too fucking big and nobody knows about it and Ann Nocenti created it. I think. Anyway, if it actually existed, Gotham City would simply collapse into the worlds biggest stinkhole. That wasn't a typo. I was fine with The Court of Owls having a huge Labyrinth under Gotham amid the subway systems and sewer tunnels. But this huge fucking cavern with tunnels and gangs and dams and trolls and Elvish Swords and treasures? It groin strains credulity. But I guess the executives and editors at DC ruined their silk underwear and expensive suits when they heard about it. I had the opposite reaction. What's the opposite of having an orgasm? Vomiting?

Currently Batwing is about to drown. Although he might get lucky and be eaten first.

Fish don't have hands, idiot. It's probably a tadpole. With hands!

Batwing kills the fish which, on the next page, actually does look like a tadpole on its way to becoming a giant frog man. After which it would probably have pulled itself from the Gotham Underground Lake it currently lives (and just died) in to go rent a house in Innsmouth.

Batwing is a bit upset that his sister Tamara now has brain damage because she took a drug called Crystaldeath. Instead of sitting in her room yelling at her for being so stupid, he's decided to blame the person that sold her the drugs. And he believes that person was an old fremesis of his, The Victimizer.

When Ann Nocenti placed Catwoman in the Gotham Underground, I said she might as well have had Catwoman walk through a portal to a fictional sword and sorcery world. It would have made more sense. And now Batwing is doing the same thing except he's stepped into a world of techno-horror. He's discovered a civilization where people are forced to work while security guards with speakers sewn on to their faces walk around broadcasting platitudes and rules: "A happy worker is a worker that doesn't give their manager any guff no matter how big an asshole the manager is!" "Have you ever heard a wrench argue about how many nuts you've made it tighten? Right? So shut the fuck up already!" "Lunch is for communists! Purchase the capitalist's best friend: Intravenous-ables! Now with M&Ms!" "Loving it? Of course not. Having a job is a luxury. Like meals and shelter." "No one stands above God. Except maybe The Job Provider." "You can rest when you're dead. As long as you put in a full forty hour work week first." "We don't provide Health Insurance because it's communism, plain and simple. If you need medical attention, pay for it. Don't rely on thousands of other healthy people to cover your medical costs with their monthly premiums, you leech."

Batwing defeats the Speaker-Faces and frees the parasitic Marxists. How are they going to provide for themselves? There's a lot more to owning the means of production than they realize! They'll have to gain some weight and learn to smoke cigars while subjugating and manipulating the needs of the many.

"But surely the Above Ground is just myth and sexual innuendo!"

The 15th Century man Batwing meets is called Samael. He calls the creatures Batwing just murdered "Speakerheads." I think my term, Speraker-Faces, is more accurate. But then I'm a 21st Century citizen and not some guy who's been trapped underground born into the serf class just because he didn't have enough money to graft an iPod to his head.

Samael speaks of "other rooks." I guess each Rook above ground leads to a different community in the Gotham Underground. Maybe I should simply pretend that the rook statues actually do open up portals into different dimensions. It's far more believable than this secret underground kingdom shit.

I think I use the phrase "not believable" a bit too much. It's like I don't realize I'm reading comic books! Why is the level of believability important to me?! I think it only matters to me when I'm reading a writer I can't stand. Or one of her ideas.

Batwing was a Fallout fan. I never did collect all the fucking Bobbleheads. Maybe I should go back to it. I wonder where I put my Fallout lunchbox?

Meanwhile Batwing's little sister, Little Batwing, is being held captive by The Rat Catcher and The Victimizer. But I guess that part of the story needs to take a back seat to Batwing's Adventures in The Gotham Underground. After dealing with the Speaker-Faces, he now gets double crossed by the guy he helped and taken to the Anubis Gang.

Didn't I already read this story in Catwoman? Except the characters had different costumes.

After Batwing gasses all of the Jackals, he kidnaps Mother Anubis and exits stage left, right into the crotch of The Victimizer.

Batwing #30 Rating: No change. This comic book gave me a headache. I suppose it wasn't horrible. The problem is it wasn't anything. Why was it needed? What did I just read? Batwing wandered around The Underground before running into The Victimizer. If this issue was needed for character development, I think it could have been done in one to three pages where Batwing discovers the Speaker-Faces and their slaves leading him to liberate the slaves by taking apart the Speaker-Faces piece by piece. I don't mean just knocking them out. He's angry about Tamara and worried about Tiffany and suddenly these guys stand in the way of his mission to find Tiff. So he should tear them apart. Pull speakers off of faces. Cut off arms and legs with Batarangs. Curb stomp a few of these guys. Maybe castrate one or two. But having him defeat them, get out of costume, get betrayed, get back into costume, and then finally find The Victimizer seemed like a lot of needless bullshit.