Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Wonder Woman #30

I probably shouldn't be disappointed about this next fact but I am: nobody ever threatens to rape me when I rip apart some comic book artist's art or a writer's writing! Am I not the most important New 52 Critic on the internet? The most disappointing thing about that new Teen Titans cover is that DC has cancelled the Teen Titans only to bring the book back a couple of months later. Fuck you, DC! Fuck yourself right in the face! Look at yourself in the mirror, DC. See that face? Now try to fuck it.

That might have been inappropriate. But this whole cancelling the Teen Titans only to relaunch the Teen Titans is a big fuck you to the fans, so I think my reverse fuck move was the only method of defense I had left. Teen Titans sucked, DC. It sucked because you chose to have Scott Lobdell write it and then you chose to let him keep writing it and then you continued to choose to continue to let him write it. But guess what? The Teen Titans makes DC a shit ton of money! So it can't stay cancelled for long. Just reboot the fuck out of it and ship that shit right back to the fans that wanted Lobdell gone for two and half years. This is manipulative abuse shit, DC. And I'm not going to stand for it any...okay okay okay! Drop the sock with the soap in it! I'll buy the fucking comic book!

Oh man. You can't go wrong with a good spousal abuse analogy!

It was also a very thin and meager Twin Peaks reference.

Let's forget I said all those other things! How about I critique Wonder Woman now that I know how to do a proper critique thanks to Brett Booth! He says you have to offer both positive and negative comments! Really, Brett? Here's a generous critique of your recent work with DC: "You hit it out of the fucking park when you ruined Batman Loves Superman after Jae Lee left the title. Just blew me away with your incompetence. Staggering ability to suck!"

Hades and Poseidon assess the current Olympus situation.

Meanwhile on Paradise Island, Hera pretends she doesn't know why she can't return Hippolyta to flesh and blood. She's like the Queen of Gods and I'm supposed to believe she doesn't know how to do something? Bah! She's a liar and a peacock stripper. If she can't tell who is blocking her power, then it must be somebody more powerful than she is. Like Baby Zeke. Or, and this is my actual supposition, Hippolyta is preventing the transformation because she doesn't want to be turned back for some reason. Probably guilt from her years as a single mother neglecting her daughter. Or something less sexist.

While Hippolyta is a statue, Wonder Woman is Queen of the Amazons. She's also God of War. And a founding member of the Justice League. I don't know if she has a day job in London because Azzarello hasn't really been writing any stories that deal with Wonder Woman when she's not Wonder Woman. Not that she has a secret identity, of course. Secret identities are for rich billionaires and loser journalists. Also, that might be why Hippolyta is refusing to change! Because she understands that the Amazons need to follow Wonder Woman's lead right now, so she's opting out for a bit more free statue relaxation time.

Offends isn't that strong of a word! At least it shouldn't be. Fuck offense. I'm offended by people that are constantly offended. I think I just offended myself! Anyway, that doesn't mean that I'm not in agreement with Wonder Woman's choice to be sensitive to the Amazons' feelings and way of life. Being sensitive and kind is one thing; constantly looking to dress somebody else down due to perceived offense is entirely another.

Are y'all figuring out how I love to put these things together yet? When was the last time I required my readers to write essays on their readings? I think it's long overdue. As long as you don't critique me in a non-Brett Boothian manner!

While Wonder Woman tries to get Hermes and Dio to take their maleness elsewhere, the Amazons try to decide if they can trust Wonder Woman to be their Queen. The Amazons don't seem to be too worried when a strange person in a cloak and hood barges into their discussion to throw Wonder Woman under the bus. The stranger (probably Strife, right? Cause look at what she's doing?) then slinks off giggling maniacally.

Meanwhile on Olympus, The First Born gets off on torturing Cassandra and the Bearotaur. He needs some lieutenants to lead his new Gnoll Army against the Amazons. They seem like they'll do nicely if he can just break them by feeding them Gnoll flesh.

Let me interrupt my insane ramblings to say that Goran Sudzuka's Cliff Chiang Replacement Art has just gotten better and better. Pretty soon, Goran will be able to disappear Cliff Chiang and take all of his jobs.

Back on Paradise Island, Wonder Woman tells the Amazons that they've all just become mothers to their new adopted son, Zeke. Forget Zeke being a male child. If I were an Amazon, I'd be pissed that I'm suddenly now expected to change diapers and babysit the fucking anklebiter! Thanks a lot, Diana!

And down in Hell, Hades feeds Cronus and discusses whether or not he should go to war. Before Cronus can give him any advice or Hades can come to a decision, the decision is made for him.

If that's all it takes to defeat Hades, shouldn't he keep his candles in some kind of protective, oxygenated enclosure?

Wonder Woman #30 Rating: No change. It's not that I want to be exposed to threats of violence against my body! But by not getting any threats, that means I'm not popular! Why do I have to try so hard to get people to hate me?! I think I have to choose an enemy before I can get the hatred flowing in. Who do I want as my enemy? Fanboys? Women? The Establishment? Oh! That's it! I'm sorry for any bait I put out there to make enemies in this commentary! I lost sight of my one and true enemy! That multifaced four color God of Monthly Installments, DC Comics! I sometimes forget to be angry with them and I begin to direct my hate in the wrong direction. Scott Lobdell is not the problem! Ann Nocenti is not the problem! They are just symptoms! And you can't fight disease by battling the symptoms! You have to get to the heart of the issue! Fuck you, DC Comics! I'm coming for you!

P.S. I've been whistling the Wonder Woman theme off and on throughout this entire commentary. That is one bad ass song. If you ignore the lyrics. Although they are filled with campy goodness. But that tune? Fucking. Bad. Ass.

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