Justice League #29

Good thing both The Metal Men and the Justice League only have one female each on their team!

Someone posted some excerpts from Mii Conversations on Tumblr that showed guys complaining about Super Smash Brothers suddenly having too many female characters in it. Somebody posted that these guys were complaining after only five females were revealed for the next game while fifteen males had been revealed for the roster. Then somebody came along and posted that those numbers were interesting because studies show that when a group reaches 33% women, that's when men begin to think the women are the majority. I hate to have to point out that these men in their Mii Conversations were already flipping out when the percentage of women characters was at 25%. Word problems. They ams the hard.

I just posted that previous anecdote to show how much better I am than one random person on the internet. Fuck you, random person! You made a mistake! Ha ha!

If you ever really want to feel superior to the rest of the idiotic people living on this planet, you should follow Literally Unbelievable. This is why trolling on the internet has become such a fun pastime for assholes. People love to point out how much smarter they are than other people (take my previous two paragraphs as my experimental proof of this theory!), so if you post ridiculous satire and parody like The Onion does, you're going to get a literal shit ton of people exposing their stupidity by trying to expose the article writer's stupidity. Or something. Did that sound stupid? Fuck. I should erase it from the internet! The last thing I need on the internet is more proof that momma raised a moron.

The issue begins with Doc Magnus shitting all over two fine American cities!

Picher might be toxic, Doctor Magnus, but have you been to the Dairy Queen out by Route 29? Delicious!

The Metal Men are given their bodies back and immediately begin writing notes to slip to Cyborg asking him to save them from the abuse they've suffered at the hands (and sphincter) of Doc Magnus while they were just helpless little Ben Wa Balls. Except for Platinum and Tin who are too busy wondering if Cyborg's penis looks as fantastic as the rest of him.

Doc Magnus breathing a sigh of relief as he realizes The Metal Men don't remember anything that happened since they lost their bodies.

Seriously. Doc Magnus was seriously fucking worried they'd remember Happy Stuffed Up Colon Time.

I don't know what mistake Platinum is referring to! Did she already fuck Superman when she attended the Justice League tryouts?

I think a few more "mistakes" are about to be made.

Have The Metal Men always been sex crazed robotic fucking machines?

This issue is really proving my theory that Doc Magnus deactivated his Metal Men not because they wanted to exterminate mankind but because they wanted to fuck them all.

After all the flirting winds down, The Metal Men agree to help Cyborg defeat Grid. It's possible they think Cyborg is inviting them to fuck Grid. But either way, they'll probably accomplish the same goal and put Grid out of commission.

Cyborg hacks into Grid's system to wave his ass at him. Grid cannot resist that ass and leaves his place at the Crime Syndicate Command Center to fuck Cyborg's shit up.

The Metal Men need some work on their one liners as they enter the battle against Grid. They also need to modernize their pop culture references.

Is Geoff Johns eighty years old?!

Grid pulls Mercury's Responsometer out of him, sniffs it, and says, "Where the fuck has this thing been?" He also gets a bit jealous when he realizes these inferior, piece of crap robots have somehow accomplished the ability to feel, the one thing that alludes him. He'd pout if he could but he can't which causes him to wish he could pout even more. Instead, he summons The Fearsome Five, Doctor Psycho, and Hector Hammond to fight by his side. That's actually a pretty shitty group of villains to face off against The Metal Men.

Grid shoves his hose into Cyborg and they become linked in a digital universe where Victor has to learn to accept his robanity in order to truly defeat Grid.

Bwa ha ha ha ha! Holy shit. "I feel afraid." Seriously, Johns? Oh fuck. Oh fuck. I'm crying. I knew the Metal Men were going to be funny but who knew Grid would have the funniest line in the issue!

Grid is knocked offline and trapped in Cyborg's old body. Then Steve Trevor traipses up with Killer Frost and says, "Hey guys! I have a rope!" And then Volt appears and blasts the fuck out of Steve Trevor. That leaves Cyborg to head over to Forever Evil #7 alone to help save the Justice League while The Metal Men battle a new group of villains that I really can't be bothered to try and recognize.

I don't even know why they had to appear at the end. Just so Forever Evil #7 isn't overloaded with Metal Men and Steve Trevors and Killer Frosts?

Justice League #29 Rating: +1 Ranking. The Metal Men make more interesting leads than the actual Justice League. Can we just switch the name of this comic to Metal Men and kick out the fucking big named assholes?