The Movement #11

This might be an unpopular opinion but I hope Burden dies.

Personally, I don't have anything against Burden. And I'm kind of partial to his imaginary love letters to his mother. But, and this may sound judgmental because it is, I can't stand to look at him. I've always been a bit squeamish about seeing the insides of people because they're supposed to stay on the inside. So when they're suddenly on the outside, it's like the universe is screaming its worst secret at me and I can't avoid it even if I avert my gaze and plug my ears. Because now the universe's worst secret is echoing throughout my head: everything dies. Everything dies. Everything dies.

And that's what happens to me when I see Burden's octopus parts coming out of his nether torso. That sounds like it's coming out of his asshole. I should have just said belly.

His brother, on the other twisted extremity, is quite the handsome Amish dude. I could look at him all day and not once be forced to ponder my own mortality! Although wanting to read a comic book where a character dies seems a bit nonsensical if I want him to die because he reminds me of death. Maybe...and this is just a wild theory, mind you...maybe I'm just fucking nuts! Probably not, though. I'm actually the only person that really exists. Everybody else is just a projection of my own issues and insecurities. How can the only real person be crazy? Crazy implies abnormality! But if I'm the only extant creature in the universe, I am the measurement of normal and thus perfectly sane!

Boy, I sure am glad I projected comic books into my universe.

This Coral City resident walks his Pit Bull and his cat at the same time!

I hope this issue is about that guy and his dog and his cat!

Oh! I remember what I was going to say at the end of my Moon Knight #2 commentary! I was going to point out how one of my favorite things about the show Mad Men was how every fucking scene (very nearly! Do the math!) is its own short story. And all the short stories revolve around a specific theme that runs through the episode. Fuck me! I wish I'd started a Mad Men blog instead of a silly comic book blog! Then I could say seriously intellectual things like this: Doesn't Jon Hamm look like a character from The Flintstones come to life?

Oh shit! The Tall Man?! Does he have blood draining flying silver spheres in that case?!

Fuck me! I wish I'd started a Phantasm blog instead of a whimsical funny book blog! Then I could say seriously scary shit like this: Think about how crappy The Tall Man was as a villain. He was defeated by an Ice Cream Man three movies straight!

The Tall Man aka Burden's Keeper asks a couple of fake cops how he might find Satan round these parts. I know they're fake cops because one has a full beard and cops don't wear beards! Just mustaches. And the other one is wearing a goofy rubber mask.

This is the third panel I've scanned from the first page! Maybe I should have just scanned the entire thing at once.

Historically speaking, I usually get fancy in the pants the longer I spend reading a comic book. "Fancy in the pants" means "to be distracted" in this context. Maybe in other contexts too but I can't guarantee how people will react to you asking them to repeat themselves because you were feeling too fancy in the pants. Anyway, there's some kind of reverse square law or something about my commentaries. If The Bible taught me anything about math and science, it's that I don't know math and science very well. So I think the Reverse Square Law means that I will comment a lot on the first four pages of a new comic. From there, my commentary will drastically reduce until I'm writing nearly nothing on the last ten pages. I just blow through them with a slight synopsis of what happens. So judging by how much I've rambled on while reading the first page of The Movement #11, I'm going to write about three sentences on the last nineteen pages! I hope I've got my eloquently brief pants on. I wanted to say Eloquently Brief Briefs but that just seemed overly confusing.

This issue is called "My Brother From Abover Mother."

Next there's some of that Booty Calling that Vengeance Moth was ruining her wheelchair thinking about.

I remember the first time I saw two women kiss. I was all, "So, I see you've met my girlfriend, Mom."

Rainmaker discovers that Virtue tastes like pistachio. That's because pistachios are green and Virtue is currently channeling all the willpower she has not to sit on Rainmaker's face.

Dear Papa!
Gail Simone is so crass! I would never have pictured Virtue naked, straddling Rainmaker's mouth, hovering above her, teasing, slowly lowering, quickly caressing her glistening lips against Rainmakers searching tongue before springing back up and out of reach of Rainmaker's lips and tongue! Gail Simone put those thoughts into my head by showing women licking ice cream cones and kissing! Also, why did you leave when I was just two years old? It probably made me sad but I can't remember because I was two.

Burden's brother (whose name is Jacob which is what I totally would have guessed if I'd even considered guessing! Seriously, who wouldn't have guessed that? Oh wait! Now I have a Bible story to tell everybody while we're all gathered her in the parentheses!

Jacob was also called Israel in The Bible. Now you can either believe that Jacob became Israel and that's where the name came from or you can believe that somebody else was actually named Israel and was the leader of the Jews. That person is Sara, Abraham's wife. Because Sara means Princess. And El means God. So Israel means Princess of God. That's an odd name for a man, Jacob, to have, isn't it? Sure, sure! A lot of words in Hebrew mean many different things. Like how Jacob meant "Usurper" as well as, I don't know, something else! Most loved or something. I can't remember all the details!

Anyway, here's the conundrum. If you have an oral history that tells you Israel was your leader but the history is quite old and, since the time of the actual people within that history, men have come to take over all the positions of power, you don't want the leader of the Jewish people to have been a woman in your oral history. So instead of pointing out that your oral history is about a Matriarchy built by Sara (Princess. Later, after God came to her, Israel, Princess of God) as she led her people away from famine and into Egypt to become rich, you have a male child somewhere further down the line wrestle an angel that touches his penis and then names him Princess of God. Also, doesn't the story of Abraham and Sara in Egypt make more sense if Sara is a single woman leading her people? Wouldn't that make more sense that she'd be in a position to marry Pharaoh? As opposed to that shitty story we get about Abraham telling Pharaoh his wife is his sister? Which, by the way, is the same story that happens with Isaac and also with Abraham a second time? Seems like one story told three different ways. And, at least to me, still not told the truest way. The way where Sara was leading her people.

I think I can close the parentheses now after talking about that story. I might add that I noticed this shit while reading and studying The Bible on my own. Remember boys and girls! Think for your own fucking self! Unless you're listening to me. Trust me!) has discovered Burden helping to feed the poor and he's pissed off about it. Because devils don't help poor people! That kind of help is evil because it's a lie! Sure, hungry people still get fed. But through temptation and vile trickery!

Katharsis tries to keep Jacob from putting his hands on Burden and gets her ass beat. That Jacob is one strong motherfucker seeing as how Katharsis is the strength of The Movement! Maybe she loses her ability to fight when she forgets to wear her wings.

The people yelling at Jacob are the ICU Committee of Public Shaming.

Jacob takes Burden back home so he can be punished. I know Burden's actual name is Christopher which is long for Christ so I'll just keep calling him Burden because Christ had some burdens to bear as well. Or something. There's probably something smart to ferret out of all that if you have more time than I do. Like if you're traveling close to the speed of light or something.

Burden has been brought back to face The Trials. Supposedly, Burden killed his father. But since he doesn't remember it and his brother is trying so hard to convict him of the crime, I suspect Jacob did all the killing! I'm like that Knight-Errant, Columbo! Or the Philosopher Perry Mason!

So basically, Jacob was born with an outside that looks Angelic while his inside looks like Burden's outside that houses his Angelic inside! If you see what I'm saying.

Jacob tells a story that is at odds with the story the reader is allowed to see. The real story shows that Jacob was a delusional asshole that wanted his brother out of the picture. As he finishes the story that makes him look like the good guy trying to help his brother and help the village, we learn that Mama is still in the village. I was going to say "alive" but I think they might just bring out a skull or a jar of ashes when he asks for her.

Burden's old mother comes tottering out and she's just a normal woman. Whew. I was prepared for a skeleton in a rocking chair! And then the reader learns that Jacob did indeed kill their father and tricked Burden into believing he did it. But The Trial will show the truth! The one that winds up marked by the Irons is the true murderer!

But before Burden can get marked, The Movement arrive to stop The Trial. That's good. Now Jacob will get the mark and the village will banish him and Burden will cry and think up another letter to Mama with her standing right in front of him.

Dear Mama,
When did you begin looking so old? I should probably ask you since you're standing right in front of me but I know you prefer my mind epistles. Also, I am totally cuckoo for cuckoo dick. Mmm! I hope you approve, Mama! I know you're a big fan of it as well.
Your Son.

Katharsis gets her ass kicked again but I think she takes the fall on purpose this time to invoke Burden's beast since he should really be dealing with his own problems.

This feels like an episode of Fantasy Island!

Burden stops feeling bad for himself even though Mama still hates him. She loves her baby with wings and not her baby with tentacles falling out of its stomach. Yeah, I totally get that! The Movement take Burden home with them with some sappy ending about family or something. Although I have to completely agree with this version of family! I've never been one to feel close to somebody simply because they were related to me. If they were dicks, they were out. I only have so much time to spend with people I actually care about and if those people happen to be friends I made in high school, or friends I made on the internet, or friends I made in Men's Bathrooms in Rest Stops across South Dakota, so be it!

The Movement #11 Rating: No change. There wasn't enough Mouse in this issue. And Vengeance Moth didn't eat anybody's underwear.