A.R.G.U.S. #6

That's the weakest palindrome I've ever seen.

I think this is the only palindrome I've ever purposely come up with: "So? Got Togo's?" Although it's entirely possible that everything I've ever written up to this point in my life is one huge palindrome. Stop nerd snorting at me! I didn't say it was probable!

I'm only going on about palindromes because Superwoman is making me really uncomfortable on the cover of this comic book. She's looking me right in the eyes and daring me to masturbate to this BDSM sex orgy! But I have to decline. I only take part in BDSM&Ms orgies.

Meanwhile in the Green Room! But first, I should point out that I used meanwhile incorrectly here. But I had to segue out of that uncomfortable last paragraph somehow!

Isn't "beyond classified" where it's so classified that it comes back around to being public knowledge?

So ARGUS has been around for hundreds of years before super heroes began gracing every street corner, hunh? What did the name stand for in earlier incarnations? Agrarians Rapidly Growing Usable Soy? Anarchists Reeducating Government Uncle Sams? Asshole Redcoats Getting Upset Suddenly? Those aren't any worse than Advanced Research Group Uniting Superhumans! Which, seriously, should be ARGUSH.

The Green Man explains that ARGUS existed in the 1700s and was called the "Armed Revolutionaries Governing Under Secrecy." So a secret government manipulating the new continent from behind the scenes, hunh? And even though they were secret and couldn't tell anybody what ARGUS meant because it was a secret, they still added the "armed" in the name to threaten anybody who somehow discovered the secret! And by "anybody who somehow discovered the secret," I mean anybody in the pub on any night when any member had one too many and began bragging about how powerful he was.

Later in the 1800s, ARGUS became the "Anonymous Ranger Group of the United States." Then in the 1900s, they became the "Aeonian Recurring Guys Utilizing Secrecy." Unless they were called something different. Anyway, in the 1900s, they battled the Crimson Men who were a religious group trying to bring about the apocalypse because they were bored. But ARGUS felt that a world ending event posed a threat to the United States of America, so they fought back. Mr. Green explains that at the turn of the Millennium, The Crimson Men were routed. Hmm? What happened around that time? Oh yeah! The attack on the World Trade Centers! So that must have been The Crimson Men's hideout and the terrorist attack was a black ops mission by ARGUS! I knew there was something fishy about the the official record of that event! Now it makes so much more sense than some impotent assholes thinking that if they could fuck America in the ass, they'd score some heavenly poontang! That might sound fairly logical but you have to remember that this is a comic book and comic book logic demands the reverse of Occam's Razor. So in the comic book world of The New 52, the whole ARGUS being behind the destruction of the World Trade Centers is least plausible, therefore it's the most plausible.

Mr. Green goes on to say that ARGUS's next mission has become to stop the threat of superhumans. But since The Crime Syndicate has appeared and they're a bigger threat, ARGUS realizes that they have to actually do what their stupid fake name says: unite the superhumans. Or else it could be the end of the world and The Crison Men will win! And nobody likes to see the asshole win. So Lieutenant Candy is getting a promotion to be the Keeper of Secrets for ARGUS. But only if she can keep Steve Trevor alive. Although on that front, she may already be too late.

Oh Steve. Did Dr. Light touch you in a No-No place?

Steve Trevor is either dreaming it or he's, while unconscious, having a real visit with the witches as they steal his future potential. One of those. I guess it won't matter until September when Steve Trevor gets a Five Years in the Future book and the entire book is just blank pages. He wakes up inside an ice cube because cutting off all of his oxygen and sending him into hypothermia seemed like Killer Frost's only way to save him from Dr. Light. Seems reasonable in that Reverse Occam's Razor kind of way.

Now Steve, Dr. Light, and Killer Frost are the only people from last issue still conscious. It's a big brawl in Central Park as Light tries to kill Steve because The Crimson Men made a deal with him. And Steve tries to talk Dr. Light out of killing him because death probably sucks.

I bet Death of the Endless always gives a sly wink whenever anybody says, "Death sucks."

The worst part about the entire battle is having to hear the sophomoric banter between the combatants. In the real world, there would only be time for swearing and underpants soiling. So that makes this is a perfect comic book scene! I guess.

Aren't all of these light powers new for him?

I'm beginning to get the feeling that Steve Trevor isn't going to save anybody from any Slash Fiction Matrix this issue. I suppose he'll secure the Lasso so that he can use it in either Justice League of America or Justice League or Forever Evil. Since the whole crisis is coming to an end, I get the feeling that important things will be allowed to happen in the two Justice League titles. Or else Forever Evil #7 is going to be 72 pages long.

Using the Lasso of Truth on Doctor Light, Steve shows Arthur that he's actually dead and that he shouldn't be pretending to be alive. Doctor Light says, "Oh yeah. Hey. Weird." Then he FAKOOOMs out of the picture, leaving Frost and Trevor and a pile of unconscious animal people. They gather up their shit and head over to Forever Evil.

Meanwhile, the Green Man puts on his Crimson Men mask and leaves the Green Room to go next door to the Crimson Room. People everywhere drop their comic books in complete shock! But!? How?! What?!!? Not the good guy is revealed to be the bad guy at the very end twist? Crazy! So what is ARGUS's new name going to be? ARGUSASUGRA? Advanced Research Group Uniting Superheroes Against Superheroes United by the Group Researching Advancements?

ARGUS #6 Rating: -1 Ranking. I'll admit that this drop in ranking is mostly because I was disappointed by the ending of this mini-series that I was surprised to find I was enjoying. The reveal that the Crimson Men had taken over ARGUS? That's fine. I can live with that even if it is a bit of an old standard we've all danced to before. But the fight against Doctor Light didn't really seem needed and the repartee was below par. Also, it sucks that (and this isn't the fault of the creative team) Steve Trevor couldn't finish his mission and be the hero at the end of his own series. Everything he worked for has to take place over in Forever Evil. That's a huge let down. I need a cathartic release and this comic book didn't give it to me! What do I do now? I guess I'm going to have to go steal the neighbor kid's bike and ghost ride it in front of a bus.